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Weakness.
Love is weakness. Love killed her father. Loved killed Wells. Love killed Finn. She loved them all and they are dead, because of her. And now she has sent Bellamy on a suicide mission because she cares for him. She knows he would do anything for her. Everybody knows he would die for her. She would do the same for him and she doesn’t understand why. She doesn’t like Bellamy, right?
Clarke doesn’t know what she feels anymore. She has just woken from a nightmare, crying, and Bellamy wasn’t there. It’s like she can’t sleep without him anymore. She misses him and his arms holding her all night. She doesn’t feel safe. Damn, she needs him and he’s not there.
Octavia had visited her before she went to sleep. She’s sad too; she didn’t want Bellamy on that mission even if it was his stupid idea. Only he would think of something that stupid. Octavia had begged her to change her mind, to tell him to stay, and Clarke has thought on the night of her first nightmare. She told her she couldn’t do anything and Octavia left even though they both knew Clarke was lying. She could have stopped him.
Love is weakness.
Clarke is confused. She doesn’t know what she feels anymore. If she thinks about it, she practically told him she loved him. Thank god he doesn’t know about her conversation with Lexa. And she’s not even sure that love is the correct word to describe what she feels. She is attracted to him but, who wouldn’t? Objectively speaking he is attractive, or at least she thinks so. He’s tall and broad-shouldered; he has those deep dark eyes and she has no idea of how he manages to tame all that messy dark hair. She blushes when she remembers all the times she has seen him shirtless. He definitely is very attractive if you like the dark-tormented vibe. But Clarke is fascinated by his freckles; they remind her of the little stars that shine in the dark sky. Tiny little shiny stars on his cheeks and his nose. And god, she really is dying to count them and form constellations out of them.
On the other hand, he truly is an asshole. He’s stubborn and annoying and a complete idiot. He shot chancellor Jaha for god’s sake! He must be out of his fucking mind if he really wanted to come down here. Even that stupid nickname he has for her is annoying. But she is thankful for having him on the ground. He’s brave, loyal and smart. He’s a leader and her partner. Most of them wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him. He did everything to protect his sister and, surprisingly, he would do the same for her. And now that she thinks about it, all those times he called her Princess sound incredibly good when they come from his lips. Not that Clarke has ever thought about his lips, because she hasn’t. Of course not.
“Clarke, are you okay?”
She turns around to find Raven standing next to her.
“I’m fine. How are you? We haven’t talked since-“and Clarke shuts up because they both know when the last time they talked was.
“I know. I’m sorry I was a bitch to you but I was so mad. I couldn’t... I still can’t believe he’s dead. It doesn’t feel real” Clarke knows exactly what she’s talking about. Sometimes is just like Finn is right beside her.
“I’m the one who should apologize, Raven, but when they told me what they were going to do to him I just couldn’t stand it.”
“Clarke, I understand.” She is surprised, is she going to forgive her? “You saved my life today. They were going to do the same to him that they would have done to me if you hadn’t stopped them. Look, I’m still mad, he was everything I had, but I really want to forgive you.”
Clarke starts crying. That seems to be the only thing she does lately. Raven doesn’t know what to do. Why is Clarke crying?
“Shh, it’s okay. Don’t cry. What’s wrong?”
“He’s going to die, Raven. And it’s my fault. It always is.”
And Raven realises that she’s talking about Bellamy. She swears that if those two get any closer they would become one person. She doesn’t really understand what Clarke is talking about but she remembers the face Bellamy made when she told him he should get into Mount Weather. She practically could see his heart breaking in a million pieces.
“He will be okay. He always is.” This time it isn’t Raven who speaks. Octavia has appeared in front of them. “My brother is too stubborn to die out there.”
Clarke really wishes she’s right, she can’t lose Octavia too. Those two girls are the only real friends she has on the ground. Of course she has Monty and Jasper, she had Finn and she was sure Bellamy was her friend too but it isn’t the same. She misses Raven’s jokes and Octavia’s smile. War has really screwed everything.
“Bellamy wouldn’t be so stupid to let something happen to him.” Raven continues, “And Lincoln is with him. I’m sure they will protect each other.”
“I really hope you are right Raven, because I can’t lose any of them.” Octavia mumbles.
“Octavia, do you love him?” Clarke’s question gets all of them by surprise. Octavia hesitates but then nods slowly. “How can you know?”
“I just know. Clarke, is everything okay?”
And she just starts crying again while her friends comfort her. She is hurt, she is confused about her feelings and they boy she possibly loves might be on his way to die. But she has to be strong.
Love is weakness.
And she can’t be weak if she wants to survive.