Chapter Text
“What do you need?”
Lan Wangji didn't answer.
He thought: I don't know what I need. The mystery of where Jiang Wanyin had gone and what had happened to him had already been solved. The fear, born from rumours, had been scattered. So there was nothing.
“Nothing,” Lan Wangji said, “I am making sure.”
“Was there no one else who could do it? Why did you come running?” Jiang Wanyin asked, with an emphasis on “you”, while holding on to his bandaged head.
He stood up sharply when Lan Wangji stopped masking his steps and entered the clearing – and immediately doubled over, as if under heavy rain, clutching the dressings at his temple.
Lan Wangji took hold of Jiang Wanyin underneath his elbow. He resisted. Perhaps he wasn't about to fall over.
But the injured should be aided. Lan Wangji let go of the purple sleeve and slowly withdrew his hand. He thought: I am repaying a debt.
Bandages covered Jiang Wanyin's forehead and crept up his right eyebrow, causing the lid of his right eye to fold in an unsightly manner. His left ear was also covered. Is that why the other hadn't heard his approach?
“What's happened?”
Lan Wangji didn't answer because, last he saw, everything was peaceful in Yunmeng. “What, am I really not allowed to be by myself without someone sounding the alarm?” Jiang Wanyin asked in a disgruntled voice.
“They are worried,” Lan Wangji said.
He thought: who else is alarmed? Why can he not see them, why is the sect leader sitting alone in a forest? It wasn't far from Lotus Pier, but nevertheless.
“Are you also worried, Hanguang-jun?” Jiang Wanyin asked. He removed his hand from the bandages and instead placed it on his shoulder. Staring right into his eyes, he asked, “Is that right? Lan Wangji, Second Young Master Lan? Hanguang-jun.”
As though he wasn't sure.
In Yunmeng, they spoke of how the sect leader had stopped recognizing some people.
Lan Wangji nodded slowly.
Jiang Wanyin released a breath. He muttered, “It's hard, not trusting yourself.”
Yes, thought Lan Wangji. It's like flying off a cliff. Like you can't rely on yourself, and the one you did rely on – the one you thought you could – was actually just an unusually dense shape in the mist.
But what does Jiang Wanyin have to do with it.
“No one can reproach Sect Leader Jiang for not staying true to his principles. On the contrary.”
“What?” Jiang Wanyin kept staring at him, and Lan Wangji had to avert his eyes. Jiang Wanyin returned to his log and placed his scabbard between his knees. He said, “It's hard not to trust what you know about people and events. You, for instance. What brings you here?”
“I heard about the injury.”
“So,” Jiang Wanyin said, “how does it concern Hanguang-jun?”
Lan Wangji stayed silent.
Jiang Wanyin tilted his head down on the uninjured side. “All right. If I've forgotten something, don't get angry just yet. How can I know what exactly I'm missing if I don't remember?” He said.
Indeed, thought Lan Wangji. The polite thing to do would be to remind him first. He said, “We agreed to meet. Jiang Wanyin did not show up. After that, rumours about the incident reached me. I made haste.”
Jiang Wanyin slowly raised his face to meet his. He narrowed his eyes, right eye closing fully shut.
“Well, sorry,” Jiang Wanyin said. “Let's postpone. Or tell me what we needed to discuss and we'll discuss it, since you're here. What was our business?”
“No business,” Lan Wangji said. “It was personal.”
There was no business for him to attend to. Jiang Wanyin didn't approach him with any sect concerns, nor did anyone call on him for that. Lan Wangji found himself excluded from all matters both within family and between sects. He could not go outside of Cloud Recesses. He mostly didn't leave the boundary of his house: there was no need. Everything was under construction. Then – a new life. He didn't take part in it. Most tried to stay away from him. Except for his elder brother.
And Jiang Wanyin.
Not for business. What business could they have?
“Personal...” Jiang Wanyin murmured. “And how long have you and I been – personal?”
Not long, thought Lan Wangji. On the scale of their lives.
A pity.
Maybe things would have been easier if he'd had someone outside of the family to measure himself against from the start. His own interests. Another figure in his head, who wasn't his uncle or his elder brother. It's so easy not to listen to them.
“Long,” Lan Wangji said.
The forest was quiet. Jiang Wanyin's fingers shifted back and forth on Sandu's pommel.
Finally, he said:
“So that's how it is. And what does my wife have to say about that? Of course, you have to be careful she doesn't find out that we're here like this, together...”
What wife?
“What wife?”
“You would know that better,” Jiang Wanyin said and pointed at the bandages.
Lan Wangji shook his head.
“There is no wife.”
“So that's how it is,” Jiang Wanyin repeated. “What have I been doing, then?”
The same as Elder Brother, who has no wife even though he should. For fear of an unhappy fate, like their father and mother? All the same, he should be married. The youngest can stay alone. Uncle is alone and devoted to the sect.
I, too, always thought I would remain alone.
He was happy to lose faith in that, even for a little while.
Lan Wangji held out his hand and said:
“You need to go. To rest.”
“You,” Jiang Wanyin's voice stressed again, “What does it matter? Who are you to me now, friend, husband?”
What did Jiang Wanyin, himself, think? Lan Wangji didn't ask. He leaned along with his hand as his body, weak from lying down for too long, refused to obey him. Footsteps suddenly rushed towards him, and he was saved from the embarrassment of tumbling head over heels.
Jiang Wanyin didn't discard him, so Lan Wangji kept hold of his hand. Jiang Wanyin looked at it.
He said, “Forgive me if I've offended. I'm missing a lot of what's important, I've been told a lot.”
He took hold of Lan Wangji's wrist, and Lan Wangji clasped his wrist in return and pulled. Jiang Wanyin rose, stood up straight and squared his shoulders. “You weren't home today. Right? I didn't see you. And I remember this morning.”
“I was not,” Lan Wangji said.
Jiang Wanyin didn't let go of his hand.
He's not toying with me, he just doesn't remember.
The closer to Yunmeng, the more detailed and apparently truthful the gossip was: a daolao didn't swallow Sect Leader Jiang whole or bite his head off his shoulders but inflicted a wound, instead, and now Sect Leader Jiang couldn't recognize anyone or remember anything about himself.
Perhaps it was better this way. Who wouldn't want to forget the war?
However, people truly within Yunmeng knew that the sect leader had already regained most of what was lost, so there was no hope of a change in his severe disposition – something which could happen to those who had lost their memory.
People also said that they saw him this morning, a while ago. That he was surely at Lotus Pier by now.
Closer to Lotus Pier, a Jiang disciple stated that Hanguang-jun would have to wait for the sect leader's return.
“You came from Cloud Recesses?” Jiang Wanyin asked. His gaze searched Lan Wangji's face. Lan Wangji nodded: it wasn't a lie.
Jiang Wanyin said, “I see. The gossip tore you away? As you can see, everything turned out fine. Will you go back now? How is it appropriate for you to live there by yourself? I know you can't abandon all that's there, your brother... Neither can I, as you can see.”
My brother didn't need me during the hardest times, when all that was left of home was a charred skeleton, thought Lan Wangji, and I lay powerless. Now, when everything is returning to how it was, I am needed even less. The easier the times, the more unnecessary I become.
I was also unnecessary to Wei Ying, when he was doing well.
And when everything turned into a disaster – he didn't call on me then, either, or accept my help.
“I can stay,” Lan Wangji said.
“Well then let's go, husband,” Jiang Wanyin said, “since you found me. If I've promised you something – just remind me of it instead of sulking.”
“There is nothing,” Lan Wangji said.
Jiang Wanyin let go of him and lead the way down the path. Others had pointed out to Lan Wangji that the local spirits were not at all friendly. But the new change in tune prompted them to talk. Just to give it a try.
“And if I've forgotten some of our dates. That often makes wives sulk,” Jiang Wanyin said over his shoulder, turning the uninjured side of his face towards him.
“I will not,” Lan Wangji said.
Jiang Wanyin chuckled. They walked to the very edge of the forest in silence.
Only his heart was pounding louder than it should, so loud Jiang Wanyin might hear it at any moment.
Lan Wangji began to calm his breathing.
They emerged into a clearing through the dark blue of the shadowed forest – onto grass orange from sunset. And back into the forest. A river glittered in between tree trunks on one side.
“I hope we don't argue often,” Jiang Wanyin said, “a home should be peaceful, a family in agreement. Right?”
“Mm.”
Jiang Wanyin fell silent again. The forest thinned, the water shone brighter. Jiang Wanyin kept glancing at it. And at Lan Wangji.
“Of course, nobody told me about a wife,” Jiang Wanyin said. He raised a hand to his face. Lan Wangji sped up his gait and caught up with him, looked at him. Jiang Wanyin scratched under the bandages over the bridge of his nose. He cast a sidelong look at Lan Wangji. “For some reason, I thought she'd exist. How could she not. But asking after the specifics seemed hurtful, somehow. To forget about family – who are you, after that? She would've been furious... Turns out, I needed to wonder about a husband instead. Yes?”
He stopped and waited, and Lan Wangji stopped with him. “Is that right? Are we..?”
It would've been preferable, thought Lan Wangji. To not be alone. Elder Brother is with me, but we are separate. Their experiences were not the same. People don't say about him what they say about me. They don't see things the same way. We are of different status. Those who've done nothing wrong cannot understand those who don't understand themselves.
And Jiang Wanyin, on their often silent evenings when he'd resolved all the issues with Gusu Lan and decided to set forth in the morning, was not just there but with him. Just like on that cliff. The whole world rejoiced in victory and then moved on, but we were left behind on that cliff.
Does he dream of the abyss, too? And the scorching wind. If anyone else in the whole world does, it has to be him.
“Yes,” Lan Wangji said, “husbands.”
“Not lovers?”
Lan Wangji shook his head. Shameless.
Jiang Wanyin pursed his lips. He said:
“My, how things have changed. Well. Don't take it too much to heart. Good.” He scratched around under the bandages. They weren't wrapped tight enough and so slipped down to cover one eye. I would have done better, thought Lan Wangji. “Well then, let's go home. Well done, to come running so quickly. Otherwise I, unawares, might have gotten myself a concubine.”
Lan Wangji pulled Bichen from his belt. Jiang Wanyin chuckled again. He grinned suddenly.
Like with Wei Ying. Like they did with each other.
“You're what, jealous?” he asked.
“Yes,” Lan Wangji said. “Very.”
“O-oh... And me?”
No, thought Lan Wangji. Presumably, no. Am I supposed to notice how people behave? You haven't voiced as much to me, although at the time, we also weren't husbands yet.
“No,” Lan Wangji said.
“Well that's understandable, Hanguang-jun wouldn't give me any cause for it!” Jiang Wanyin looked away from him, and then fully swung around to stare at the water gleaming through the forest. “That's not bad. Yes. That's good. No matter how the clans arranged things without consulting our wishes, husbands have to respect each other. Otherwise, everything will be poisoned. The water, the air...”
Lan Wangji breathed in deeply. He caught the scents of the forest and river – and Jiang Wanyin, who smelled like a mixture of different herbs.
When one is unwilling, there's nothing the other can do. They can only cause unhappiness by resorting to violence. Through all of their love. Drag them off to Cloud Recesses and lock them up. Some succeed, and live the rest of their lives in captivity. Some do not, and are soon separated.
What happens when both are willing? When there's nothing more important and nothing else comes first. They walk towards each other. One does not run away while the other can't catch up.
“It was not our relatives,” Lan Wangji said, “we arranged it.”
“What do you mean?”
“A secret marriage. We made our bows at the ancestral hall. Hidden, for now.”
Jiang Wanyin turned his head towards him. The shadows on his face grew deeper, and he seemed thinner than when last they met.
“It was us?” Jiang Wanyin spoke slowly. “Secretly – against the will of our families?”
“Without their knowledge.”
“Ah... And I thought you and I had been in agreement, once upon a time. That Hanguang-jun, Second Young Master Lan, was a sensible party.” He rubbed his chin. “We're... How? Why?”
He doesn't remember the protracted argument for it, nor should he, because there wasn't any, Lan Wangji thought.
If all of it started again from the beginning, everything would be different.
With Wei Ying. But Wei Ying didn't want to. And now he doesn't want to be found. Even spirits will tell me, when I ask, whether they want to or not. But not his soul.
I could drag him out, hold him fast.
I would find a way to purge his mind from the influence of the demonic arts.
I would be a good husband, if he recognized my kisses.
Maybe my confession wasn't clear enough. Surely, I made myself clear?
“True love,” Lan Wangji said.
Jiang Wanyin parted his lips, but said nothing.
If everything started from the beginning again, I would know how to do better. If only he had behaved differently.
“Jiang Wanyin came at the appropriate age to study at Gusu Lan,” Lan Wangji said, “and was respectful towards Wangji. A diligent student. He was never caught in any hooliganism or fights, followed the rules. Except for one incident. A delicate matter involving his sister. He rejected the demonic arts.” Lan Wangji caught his breath. He put his hand behind his back and squeezed the edge of his sleeve so it would absorb the moisture from his palm. “We spent time together. Then we met again. And again.”
“First love?” Jiang Wanyin asked quietly.
What is a first love like, when it's happy? Are you as calm and cheerful as Elder Brother, and nothing can lead you down the wrong path? Lan Wangji nodded.
“How lovely,” Jiang Wanyin whispered. “You don't forget your first love. She'll come out later and stir up your family. And so... yes. It worked out well, then, Hanguang-jun?”
“Yes.”
“So why are we hiding?”
Lan Wangji averted his gaze.
He thought: Uncle was so afraid that my elder brother and I would share our father's fate. I am like my mother, instead. My husband must hide me in his house, away from the condemnation of the world. I have endured punishment, but in the eyes of many, it will never be enough.
“I did what I must. The clans condemned it. Gusu Lan condemned it. I was punished. The great clans are wary of accepting me.”
Jiang Wanyin grabbed hold of him above his elbow.
“What wrong could Hanguang-jun have committed? You're...” His hand clenched to the point of pain, and he staggered. Lan Wangji slipped under his side to grab his belt. Jiang Wanyin closed his eyes and pressed his fist tightly to his forehead, rucking up the bandages. “Wei Wuxian,” he said.
Lan Wangji breathed in deeply. Now everything would come to light. A flicker of peace before another disgrace.
Peace of mind. It felt good, for a moment. As though everything had been made better. Everything, of course, only became more complicated and shameful.
But Jiang Wanyin was in no rush to shake off Lan Wangji's hand, even as his stance firmed. He rubbed his forehead, tugging on the bandages, and said, “However much he claimed to have broken off from Yunmeng Jiang, the good from his reputation remained! And you're here. Hanguang-jun. So, heard and understood?”
“Jiang Wanyin visited me during dark moments.”
Jiang Wanyin looked at him. His lips parted again.
He said:
“And Gusu Lan didn't abandon Yunmeng Jiang. I've visited you often. True? I remember. And Hanguang-jun, as is evident, hasn't left.”
“I, too, cannot improve on reputation right now. I will do better.”
“Now, now. Let's start with the daolao! It got away, the rotten thing, although they say I wounded it.”
“I will handle it.”
Jiang Wanyin put his hand on Lan Wangji's chest.
His heart rang like a gong.
Jiang Wanyin ruffled his hand across his robes, looking at it instead of Lan Wangji's face. Lan Wangji stared at his headpiece, and at the bandages.
He thought: I would have done better. I will do better.
“It's a shame to forget the good things,” Jiang Wanyin said. “Don't take it personally. I forgot my sister, too... briefly. And Jin Ling. Don't tell him that.”
“He is young. He will not realize.”
“Don't tell him about what happened at all, I don't want him to get frightened. He'll understand what a night hunt means once he grows older. He's at Koi Tower, right now. If someone bothers him..!”
“He will be informed that his uncle is alright.”
Jiang Wanyin tilted his head up. He smiled.
And poked his finger into Lan Wangji's chest.
“And does your uncle know you're alright? Send a message. Otherwise, they'll think I stole you. Isn't there anyone who'll wonder at the way you dashed off from your place?”
Let them, thought Lan Wangji. I'll write to Elder Brother, and he'll explain to Uncle.
“My concerns are of no interest to them. I am not useful there. I can leave Cloud Recesses. It does not matter.”
“It does,” said Jiang Wanyin. “If Jin Ling ran off somewhere and didn't tell me..! And what's more, if it then turned out he'd secretly exchanged bows with someone at their ancestral hall...”
“Jin Ling is young.”
“He grows up fast! I already don't recognize him. Do you two get along?”
We talked about this, thought Lan Wangji, one day when he visited me. That his first requirement in a partner was for her to love his nephew. He didn't put it first on the list, but it was clear. Then he drank. Took the drink from me. Said, “I drank back then, too, when he blabbed about all of it. At that small get-together. You remember, the one you ended up involved in? Then, also got... And now we're adults and won't tell anyone. Since this time you brought the wine. If we get caught, I'll tell them I did it, or else you'll be in for it again. Fool, it's not healed over yet. Why are you such a fool, tell me that, Hanguang-jun?”
“We rarely see each other,” Lan Wangji said, “I cannot say.”
“He needs to stay at Lotus Pier,” Jiang Wanyin said. He took Lan Wangji's palm from his belt, slipped further from him, but didn't let go of his hand as he walked away from the trail, pulling him along between the trees towards the river. “There's so much to learn when little. Learning to swim, for one. To start studying. You study the best out of everyone.”
“I can help,” Lan Wangji volunteered, “the disciples used to listen to me.”
“And now?”
“Now there is no trust. I will teach them wrong. What I know myself. What I know is bad. I cannot judge right from wrong.”
Jiang Wanyin pulled on him harder. Like stepping through a gate, they emerged between two trees on the steep bank that began right at their roots. Jiang Wanyin grabbed on to the bark of a tree. Lan Wangji stood by his side. The water shimmered like the golden scales of the fish that decorated Koi Tower.
“I will not teach anything wrong to Jin Ling,” Lan Wangji said.
“I know,” Jiang Wanyin answered as he leaned his shoulder against the tree. He crossed his arms. “You did what needed to be done. I couldn't pass by an apparent injustice. Hanguang-jun. I myself... Nothing's more precious to me than my own. One's home and family. It's difficult to let go of such ties. Connections. Those who think it's easy to turn your back on all you hold dear for the sake of doing what's right are those who've never had to do it.”
“Jiang Wanyin did what he thought was best for Yunmeng Jiang. Lan Wangji did not.”
Jiang Wanyin shrugged his shoulders. “So what now?” he said quietly, without taking his eyes off of the river.
Uncle was furious. The elders, too. The disciples had withdrawn far away. They watched his punishment from afar. Except for those who held and flogged him. Even his elder brother's voice sounded quieter. Now things were better. Nobody said 'so what now?'. Neither accepted nor cast out because there was nothing that could be done about it, one way or the other. Everyone thinks that things could have been done differently.
Impossible.
I would do it all differently, if I could start over from the very beginning.
“We'll stay here for a while,” Jiang Wanyin said. “I left to get some peace and quiet. So I wouldn't be constantly asked about what else I don't remember. 'Isn't his leaky brain empty already?' With that sort of tone..!”
“They worry.”
“I know that! Not you, too!”
“Your husband worries.”
“Well then stay with me. Husband.” Jiang Wanyin pulled in a long breath through his nose. So did Lan Wangji. It smelled of water. Of the native wet grass and evening. “Let's forget ourselves, a little.”
Forgetting was a blessing, Jiang Wanyin told him over his cup. Drink, Hanguang-jun.
Before that, he took a jar and smashed it, and spoke bluntly. Sat beside him, later, and they poured out of the one that remained.
Forgetting is a blessing, you can do it, nobody asks or expects anything from you. Sit with your grief as long as you'd like. It's good to choke on it! Like you're doling out justice. Plainly, you're a rich man.
Then I got angry with him, thought Lan Wangji. Told him to get out. He didn't. We sat there, and then Jiang Wanyin caught me. I didn't remember, it was Jiang Wanyin who told me: you wander around a lot when you're drunk! I couldn't keep you in place.
“A blessing, to forget,” Lan Wangji said.
“Yes. Take a break. Look at what's beautiful. There's still beauty in this life.”
Elder Brother loves to contemplate beautiful things. He suggested it to me. Said that it's restorative. And when I remained silent in response since, at the time, I didn't want to know anything about healing, he noted that every well-educated and refined gentleman should admire something, from time to time. It's enriching.
I'm already rich.
He wasn't sure, after Jiang Wanyin. He didn't seem like the sort to stop and gaze at charming things.
Or I hadn't noticed. People are hard to understand. They don't reveal all of themselves to you.
A husband is allowed to see more.
“To take in a lovely view is a distinguished endeavor. Not a waste of time.”
Jiang Wanyin chuckled once again.
They stood until dark. On the way back, Lan Wangji held on under his elbow to keep him from stumbling over roots. He let go once the gates of Lotus Pier came into view.