Work Text:
1. Flirt with the uke.
"Heeey, how are you?"
"YOU SON OF A BITCH! GET AWAY FROM MY MARTH!!!"
"Why can't we all be friends?"
"Hey, he's right, Ike!"
"?"
"Let's have a threesome!"
"YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!!"
"Oh yes, I shall fuck your bitch."
"THE ONLY THING GOING UP YOUR ASS IS RAGNELL BUDDY!"
"Guys, please stop..."
2. Take the master bed out and replace it with twin beds.
"Hey Shulk..."
"Yeah?"
"Since when do we sleep in different beds?"
"What?! No! I NEED MY SEX!"
"WHAT?!!!"
3. Sit next to the uke.
"Hey."
"Oh, hello."
"I'm sitting next to you because-OH SHIT!"
"What?"
"That's right bitch, run."
"Pittoo, would you stop doing that? And stop trying to look innocent, it's scary."
4. Play 'Baby Got Back' every time the uke walks in the room.
"Hey Shulk?"
"Yeah?"
"What nation has an anthem called 'Baby Got Back'?"
"The land of the gays and the home of the homos."
"Okay. Wait what?"
"What?"
"Shulk..."
"?"
"They played that when I walked in the room today."
"THOSE LITTLE BITCHES!"
5. Constantly mess with the uke's hair.
"Can you please stop messing with my hair?"
"But Pit, it's so soft..."
"As soft as your dick."
"OH MY GOSH, PITTOO!"
"What?! And who the hell is that messing with your hair?!!"
"I don't really know."
6. Kidnap the uke.
"Hey, I've got a bunch of adorable and fuzzy things in the back trunk. Want one?"
"Yes please!"
"Marth, I told you not to talk to strangers."
"But Ike, it's not a stranger! It's just someone I don't know!"
7. Cat call every time the uke walks past you.
"Hey Shulk."
"What now?"
"Someone made this weird whistling sound when I walked past them."
"BITCHES! BITCHES! BITCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
8. Say that the uke is the seme.
"Pittoo, what's a seme?"
"Me."
"Oh, because someone said I was one."
"Hell no."
9. Say 'the uke has a longer you-know-what than you'.
"Ike, the reason I'm better than you is because Marth's hair is longer than-"
"YOU SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"
"Wait, my hair is longer than what?"
10. Give the uke a flirty nickname.
"Douche said I was going to be such a good ride."
"DUDE SAY WHAT NOW?!"
11. Murder the uke's pet.
"I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SANDRA!!! I WILL!!"
"Pit. It was a fucking hamster."
"BUT SHE DIDN'T LIVE FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES! SOMEONE POISONED HER!"
"Who the fuck murders a hamster?"
"OBAMA, THAT'S WHO!!"
"The fuck is that?"
"I actually don't know."
12. Slap the uke's ass.
"Ike, my rear end hurts."
"How come you never just say ass?"
"Ike."
"Fine. Why does it hurt?"
"Roy kept slapping it."
"SON OF A MOTHER*censored c:* BITCH!!"
13. Ask the uke-in front of the seme- if they want to do the horizontal tango.
"Hey, Robin."
"Hi Douche."
"Want to dance with me?"
"Douche I swear on the Monado if you do not step away from him right now-"
"Don't worry Shulk. I just want to horizontal tango with him."
"YOU LITTLE FUCKER!!"
"Hahahahaha! Soon Robin will be the little one getting fucked!"
"WHAT?!?"
14. Sing 'Do you want to have sex?' instead of 'Do you wanna build a snowman?' at the uke and seme's door. (Pretend they're actually singing)
"Pit!"
"Huh?"
"Do you wanna have sex?"
"Not really..."
"I never see your private parts anymore, you need to jack off more, why'd you go away?"
"You're seriously freaky dude, I wish you would tell me why..."
" EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
"Okay byeeeeeee."
15. Answer any question the uke asks with the following sentence.
"Hey Roy?"
"Yeah?"
"Why'd you put a piece of paper under Ike's door that says 'Go fuck yourself'?"
"It's not like I could shove it up his ass!"
16. Fool the uke into thinking you mean the cheeks on his face instead of the cheeks where you fuck.
"Shulk, Douche said I had rosy cheeks. Is that true?"
"Douche's cheeks will be rosy soon. WITH HIS BLOOD!!!!"
17. Play Nyan cat for 10 hours.
"Pit, if you do not shut that little gray ball of gayness up, I will-"
"But I didn't start it! And what did you just call it?!"
18. Make the uke cry.
"Hey Marth."
"Yes?"
"You're ugly."
"R-Roy! How c-could you!"
"YOU LITTLE SON OF A FUCKING BITCH! I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR LIVER AND CHOPPED IT UP ALONG WITH YOUR DISGUSTING LITTLE HEAD!!"
19. Make a parody of Let it Go and sing it around the uke (and the seme of course).
"Dat ass doe, dat ass doe, you're totally gonna be my whore, dat ass doe, dat ass doe, make sure to close the doorrrrrr!"
"DOUCHE YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! I'M GONNA BURN YOU, AND THEN I'M GONNA KILL YOU AGAIN! AND THEN I'M GONNA BURN YOUUUU!!!"
"Dat ass doe."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"
20. Make a parody of 'If You're Happy and You Know It'.
"If you're happy and you know it, slap that ham."
"What, Pittoo, what's a ham-Ow! MY BUTT!"
"WHO SLAPPED WHO'S BUTT?!!"
"SOME RANDOM GUY SLAPPED MY BUTT!!!"
"LITTLE SHITS! THINKING THEY CAN JUST SLAP PIT'S ASS! ONLY I CAN!"
"YEAH! Wait, what?"
21. Ask them if they lost a V card.
"Hey Marth?"
"Yes?"
"Do you still have your V card?"
"Um, Roy, I don't play Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon."
"YOU SLY LITTLE BASTARD!!!"
"Yeah, because in a few moments, I'm gonna be owning his V card."
"The fuck you won't."
"Guys, all of this over a card game?"
"ON MOTORCYCLES?!!"
"What's a motorcycle?"
(I'll add more soon)
22. Describe the uke in an odd way.
"Douche, if you could describe me in a non-sexual way, what would it be?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Just curious."
"Probably happy-go-fuck me."
"..."
"YOU BASTARD!!!! I'M GONNA BURN YOU AND CUT YOU UP INTO LITTLE PIECES, THEN BURN YOU AGAIN!!"
"Shulk, calm down..."
23. Show them the DRAMAtical Murder OVAs.
"Hey Pit, look at this!"
"Okay!"
~An hour later~
"OH MY FUCKING POTATOES THAT SO EXTREMELY EROTIC!"
"What was? And it better be a picture of me."
"Um, and if it wasn't...?"
24. Talk like Spongebob.
"Hey Marth!"
"Roy, what happened to your voice?"
"I wanna fuck you so hard!"
"Oh my goodness! That sounds so scary in that voice!" *Marth proceeds to run*
(No seriously. If someone said they wanted to fuck you in Spongebob's voice, your reaction would probably be the same.)
26. Try to get the Uke to go out with you.
"Robin, want to go out with me?"
"DOUCHE YOU DOUCHE BAG!"
"BITCH PLEASE, I'M FABULOUS."
27. Hug the uke.
"Hey Pit, want a hug?"
"Sure!"
*after the hug*
"Someone's ass is in for it. WHO HUGGED PIT?!"
"Aw, Pittoo, are you jealous?"
"No...I just don't like seeing someone who looks like me get hugged."
"Meanie."
28. Ask the uke if they've had sex.
"Hey Marth."
"Yes Roy?"
"Have you head sex?"
"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!!!!!"
29. Sing Justin Bieber's song 'Boyfriend' around the uke.
"Hey Douche --"
"If I was your boyfriend,"
"Douche."
"I'd never let you go,"
"DOUCHE."
"Keep you under my arm girl,"
I'm not a girl..."
"You'll never be alone,"
"That's nice and all, but --"
"And I can be a gentleman,"
"Great, but--"
"Anything you want,"
"I'd appreciate it if you'd stop --"
"If I was your boyfriend,"
"Douche..."
"I'll never let you go!"
"Never mind."
30. Tell the uke that propane is coke in disguise.
"Pit."
"Yes, random person I don't know?"
"Coke is propane in disguise."
"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIREEEEEEE!"
"But I'm not wearing pants..."
"Than what are you wearing...?"
"MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!"
31. Tell the uke that the seme is cheating on them with someone else.
"Marth."
"Yes, Roy?"
"Ike's cheating on you."
*Marth starts sobbing*
"YOULITTLESONOFAMOTHERFUCKINGBITCHIAMGOINGTOMURDERYOUSOHARDYOURKIDSAREGONNADIENOYOUWON'THAVEANYKIDSBECAUSEI'MGONNARIPOFFYOURDICK!!!!!!"
(If anyone can read that, I praise you)