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BUCK MISSES THE OCEAN, he misses the salty tang on his tongue, the sand between his toes and the breeze on his face; he misses when he thought of the ocean fondly with nothing but love and belonging and not with contempt and hate, tainting his memories with screams and pain.
Which is why he doesn't understand why he's at the beach. Especially the one by the Santa Monica Pier. He doesn't even remember coming here, the last thing he remembers was sitting on Eddie's sofa, clawing at his chest, trying to convince his brain that there was no water in his lungs.
He steps out of his jeep, closing the door and letting the sea breeze hit him. It's gentle, welcoming him almost. His feet are bare as he walks onto the beach, the familiar feeling of the sand under his feet fills him with something he can't quite describe. He continues onwards, letting the steady crashing of the waves lure him back to his forgotten home.
His phone buzzes against his thigh, but he can't bring himself to answer, he knows he should, he shouldn't have left in the middle of the night, but he needed a break, a moment to himself.
The moment the waves touch his feet, a bittersweet feeling washes over him: longing and pain. The water is cold, icy almost, which was expected for a December night; Buck welcomes it, it's a stark contrast to that day.
The water was warm; the waves were warm that that, Buck remembers it very clearly, remembers the warmth of the water, the salt in his mouth and the stinging across his face.
This is colder, refreshing in a way.
Memories of screams of anguish were replaced with memories of screams of joy; his time in Peru being at the forefront of his mind.
"C'mon Evan," Pierre shouted, "The waves are the best at this time."
"I'm coming!" Buck huffed, jogging behind him, his surfboard dragging his left side down.
"Rápido!" [Faster!]
"Vete al carajo!" Buck shouted back, glad that he could speak enough conversational Spanish to say that. [Go fuck yourself!]
Pierre just laughed and slowed down, allowing Buck to catch up with him.
"Look at it," He marvelled as Buck stopped next to him.
The sun was just rising, painting the sky with dark oranges, reds and yellows; it was breathtaking. The waves crashed steadily, providing a small, constant rhythm.
"Vamos!"
Pierre jogged into the ocean and Buck followed.
"Fuck! It's cold!"
"Quit being a baby," Pierre rolled his eyes, "It's not that cold."
It was, but Buck kept his mouth shut.
He's missed the ocean.
He strips as quick as he can, flinging his t-shirt and shorts back so that they don't get wet, and wades in.
His teeth clatter and he shivers. The wind is still strong and it brings the salty spray with it, he squints, trying to stop the onslaught of sea salt. He could hear his ringtone go off in the distance and guilt weighs him down, but he's too far gone into the ocean to move back.
The water's by his neck now, the waves push him back and forth; it's been over a year already. he's gotten over it, or at least most of it. The ocean still terrifies him.
And he's tired of it.
He used to go surfing here, used to ride the very waves that tried to drown him a year ago. He misses the freedom that the ocean brought him, the belonging he felt; the burden that came with being Evan Buckley washed away with each away until he was just a boy, looking for a place in the world.
He's angry, all he can see is red.
He shouldn't care, but he couldn't help it, they were his parents after all.
It was 12:01. They'd missed his 20th birthday; they forgot.
At least Maddie called, even if it was brief. Her voice had been hoarse and she'd dismissed him when he asked. He promised himself the next time she called, Buck wouldn't let it go; he didn't know that that would've been the last time she picked up the phone and that the next time he'd hear her voice would be in L.A. three years later.
He wanted to forget, just for a moment; pretend that he was a normal boy with normal parents and a normal sister, who lived normal lives, not ones clouded with distance, coldness and secrets that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't understand.
He grabbed his board and walked towards the beach.
The moon was full and bright, everything that Buck didn't feel like. The waves weren't as strong as they used to be but they were strong enough for him to surf.
The moment he stood up on the board, he sees clearly for the first time in hours. There's a clarity in his eyes that he didn't know he missed until now; his sight isn't tainted with anger anymore.
"Woohoo!"
He takes a deep breath and sinks below the waves.
"Christopher!"
The cold settles into his bones, and Buck welcomes it like an old friend. He's swaying lightly as the waves move him back and forth, enough to keep him alert but not enough to make him queasy.
"Christopher!"
He spreads his arms wide.
"Have you seen a little boy?"
He sinks his feet a bit deeper into the wet sand, making his form sturdy.
"He's 9, he has CP."
An air bubble escapes.
"Christoper!"
His eyes flutter open, the saltwater stinging; he still keeps it open.
"He's wearing a striped t-shirt."
Another air bubble escapes.
"He had red crutches."
It's not too dark, the moon is full and the light is strong enough to penetrate the water.
"Christopher."
Another air bubble escapes.
"Chris- Evan! C'mon, you're going to love it!"
His eyes burn, both with the effort to keep them open and the water being pushed into them.
"Have you- trust me, Evan!"
His arms drop to his sides once more.
"This is going to be the best - Christopher!"
Another air bubble escapes.
"You ready to give up Buckley?"
The cold finally gives way to some semblance of warmth.
"Let's go, Cadet, if you give up now, you won't survive what coming for you."
His lungs are starting to burn.
"I'm going to teach you how to swim so you can beat Darren, okay Evan?"
He thinks tears are starting to form, or maybe they already have.
"C'mon Evan! Woohoo! I knew you could do it, Buckley's for the win!"
He breaks the surface gasping for air, a smile on his face. There's seawater in his mouth as a result but couldn't care less. He feels the saltwater back in his veins, and the thrum of the ocean in each heartbeat; he's home.
He swims back towards the shore and lays on the beach. The waves lap at his feet as he shivers again, the December air biting at him, but he's too elated to care at this moment.
He stays like that for what feels like an eternity before anyone finds him.
"Buck!" A panicked voice shouted, the air trembling with worry.
He stumbles back up, blinking away the sand as 6 figures make their way towards him; they're too far away for him to see clearly but he doesn't need to see them know who they are.
He pulls on his shorts and grabs his t-shirt with the other hand and meets them halfway.
"I-"
He doesn't even get a word out before they all collapse onto him, Maddie and Eddie being the ones to wrap their arms around him and practically suffocate him.
"Don't you ever do that again," Maddie sniffles into his shoulder, "I was so worried."
"I'm sorry," He tells her, them, "I'm really sorry, I won't do it again, I really am."
"You're an asshole, I hope you know that," Eddie tells him, there's no heat or malice behind the words, just relief as he kisses his forehead, "You scared me."
Guilt crushes his heart, "I'm sorry, to all you of you. I shouldn't have done that, I should've told Eddie where I was going. I'm sorry."
"Damn right you shouldn't have done that," Athena tells him, an exasperated look in her eyes, "Damn near scared us half to death."
"I'm pretty sure you've given all of us grey hairs, Buckaroo," Chim comments, "I'm too young to have grey hairs."
Buck lets out a watery laugh, "It won't happen again, I promise."
"You better," Hen tells him, "What are you doing out here anyway?"
"I was tired," He shrugs, before going to explain himself as their eyes widen at the implication, "No, no, no, I was tired of being scared."
Their eyes go back to normal.
"I missed the ocean."
"Well how about we keep the impromptu trips to the ocean at daytime where at least one of us knows where you are?" Bobby says, an eyebrow raised in a way that looks a bit too much like Athena.
Buck flushes, "Yeah, I will."
"C'mon let's get you home, we don't want you to get sick too." Eddie ushers him back to his Jeep.
He looks back one more time, and feels its call; he promises to come back home again.