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Misa walked past gravestones, eyes scanning for a specific name. She was looking for L Lawliet’s grave. The man who was Kira’s, or rather Light’s equal, until he was killed by Rem. Just another part of Light’s master plan , she thought.
Misa reflected on the Shinigami. Rem was lovely. She wasn’t crude or annoying like Ryuk, or just straight up weird like Sidoh. Rem was elegant and beautiful. She was gentle, yet firm, with the world around her. Despite hating humans, Rem had shown care and love towards Misa. Rem had shown her more kindness than her so called ‘boyfriend.’ Tears pricked at her eyes, but she couldn’t tell if it was anger or sadness. Maybe a mix of both. She wiped her tears away and continued looking for L’s grave.
She continued thinking, but this time about L and their relationship. Misa had considered L a friend when he was still alive. She would still consider him one of her nicer friends, despite how strange the man was. She believed he would also consider her to be his friend. Misa did have a few conversations with him alone. She talked with him about the most public parts of her life and the most private. The detective usually listened and offered his opinion, and she did the same. L would comfort her when she would cry, let her yell when she was angry, and sometimes even shared her joy about things happening in her life.
Contrary to Misa, L had little to nothing to share. It wasn’t surprising, as he dedicated most of his time to the Kira case. That usually occupied a majority of his time. When L was taking a break from the case, sometimes he would have tea with Misa, and as always, indulging in a selection of sweets.
Misa smiled. L truly was a delight in her life. She kept looking for graves before spotting his. She made her way towards in and sat on the grass beside it.
“Hi L,” she said.
“I miss you a lot, you know? You were one of my best friends. I miss Light too, not as much though. I guess I miss having something to do."
Tears welled up in her eyes. Misa let them fall as she continued talking.
“Did you know, L? Did you know that Light never loved me as much as I loved him?”
Her fists clenched at the hem of the skirt she was wearing, as her tears picked up and turned into sobs.
“I gave him everything I had!” She yelled through sobs, “I gave him everything, just for him to use me!” She shook her head and gave a sad chuckle. “I should have known, earlier on. Did you also think that L? That I was a stupid girl who was infatuated with a boy who never ever loved me back?”
She shot a glare at the grave.
“Even if you told me, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. I went on loving stupid, fucking, Light Yagami . I went on believing that he actually cared for me! Love is really something, isn’t it?” She shook her head again.
Misa tilted her head as she thought of something. Did I actually love Light ?
She thought about it. Her modeling career was full of men fawning over her and confessions from younger kids and older men. Misa made a face at that. She had rejected most of them, using the excuse that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. One night, she had been confronted by a man, and he confessed to her. She rejected him and he pulled a knife on her. Before he could get to her though, he fell to the ground and died. That was her first experience with the Death Note, Rem had explained to her.
Misa continued to mull it over. Had she felt genuine attraction to men ?
Her first answer was yes, she had. She wouldn’t have followed Light around for years if she hadn’t, right? The second answer was maybe not. Her ‘love’ for Light was fueled by the fact that he was Kira. Other than that, she had never liked any men, much less loved them.
“I never actually loved Light, did I?”
She thought more about who she loved then. The first to come to mind was Rem. Rem cared for her, listened to her, and made her happy. She loved Rem. Romantically? She wasn’t sure.
Misa chuckled. “I come to the realization I didn’t actually love the person I followed around for six years, and the person who I did love is fucking dead. Wow.”
She laid down in the grass. “Why am I living then, L? The people I care about are gone and I don’t have anything to do.”
She rolled over and faced his grave. “I’m about to make an impulsive decision, L. You don’t like those, but I do.”
Misa got up and flattened down her skirt. She turned back towards the grave.
“Well, guess I’ll see you in a bit L.”
She smiled and started her walk home.