Archive of Our Own ^beta

She texted me again, I was maybe happy even though I shouldn’t have been, we don’t talk much about….us? Our friendship.

Lately, all she ever does is send pictures of other girls and encourage me to gossip about them with her, It didn’t affect me at first and I would be lying if I said the pictures of girls she sent me were anywhere on my level

𝐉𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞?

It’s a question I find myself asking more often than I would like, I don’t know when it started I just knew I didn’t want to seem vulnerable and pathetic

She sent another today; it’s an ex-friend of mine. Funny

She looked great, she wasn’t much younger than me yet she looked so much better, did she even have a right to look her best while she played her role gracefully in tearing down the confidence I once had?

𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥, I haven’t done mine in a few months and it’ll be damaged if I don’t take care of it soon

𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠, My skin is filled with dark spots all over that I just can’t seem to get rid of, I hate how noticeable they are

𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐭, She must be taking care of herself well I can’t tell when last I exercised, not like it matter I never wear tight-fitting clothes so I doubt anyone will notice

𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬, Yet I can’t even make friends, why is that so hard for me?

It’s cute how her friends are so supportive and hypes up every little thing she does.

But it hurts, she body-shamed me with other girls and spread disgusting rumours about me sleeping with older men around the school

𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧’𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐨?

I ignored the picture as best as I could

I had nothing negative to say

I couldn’t

I never realized how stupid this wass until now

Those girls all looked so much better than me

They were way prettier and happier, I want everything they have

I can’t help but feel jealous when I see them going to parties with their friends or even being happy with their partners

They have great relationships with their parents and I want that

I want to be able to hug my mom without being pushed off

I want to be able to trust someone with my whole being without being scared of them leaving

I want to build strong friendships where I’m not the subject of their “jokes”

𝐖𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐣𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐬, 𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐢𝐭?

They’re amazing

Good at so many things that it’s almost funny

She’s a track star for fucks sake and she’s so popular too

𝐈 𝐞𝐧𝐯𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞

Why am I not good enough to have supportive friends too?

Why am I not good enough to have loving parents that will shower me with their love too?

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧’𝐭 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨𝐨

I’m such a good for nothing brat, I’m worthless

I can’t even make my parents proud

Why can’t I be useful?

Why can’t I do anything?

I’m just occupying space that someone better could have

𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧’𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈’𝐦 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞?

“She doesn’t even look good”

“Her hair is ugly”

“She shouldn’t smile”

“Her body is weird”

“She’s disgusting”

“I hate her”

𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐭, 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠

“𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐫”

“𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞”

“𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥, 𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭”

“𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞”

“𝐒𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐨𝐥”

“𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐫”

I always knew I was insecure about myself but 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐩 𝐬𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟?

It’s so pathetic how I can’t breathe without being told I’m pretty

They’re probably lying for my sake but I’m okay with that

𝐈’𝐦 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐠 𝐡𝐲𝐩𝐨𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞

“𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈’𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐬?”