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The sun was high in the sky, catching the rolling water of the ocean as Dawn’s car cruised down the freeway.
She had to raise her voice over the ruffle of the wind spilling through the open windows. “You’re quiet,” she said.
“So are you,” Jeff answered, staring out at the beach.
“I’m concentrating on driving.” She wasn’t as sick with nerves as she had been a month or so ago, but her fingers ached a little from gripping the wheel, and her eyes kept darting from the road to the mirrors to the speedometer.
“You’re like 20 miles under the limit,” he complained, lifting a hand to run it through his hair. “Put your foot down.”
She ignored him. “I thought you’d be kind of psyched about finally getting a brother,” she said. “You’ve only been asking for one for thirteen years.”
Jeff shrugged. “He’s not a little brother yet, he’s just another baby.”
Dawn glanced at him, but didn’t want to take her eyes off the road for too long. “Want to stop for a bite to eat?” she asked. “We can take something down to the beach and eat it there. My treat.”
She was pretty sure Jeff would roll his eyes at such a transparent effort to cheer him up, but he grunted an agreement, and she started looking for a parking space.
They bought sub sandwiches and crossed the road to the beach, which was crowded with tanned bodies, the scent of sunblock and coconut suntan oil wafting over the salt smell of the water.
Dawn couldn’t help but try again as they trudged through the sand, looking for a relatively clear space. “I thought you’d be more excited about getting a brother.”
“What, you want me to do a cartwheel?” Jeff asked, shooting her a look over his shoulder. “Stop trying to apply your high school psychology to me, okay? Jeez.”
Dawn grinned. “Shut up.”
“You’re not jumping for joy, either,” he said, and he sank into the sand and started unwrapping his sub.
“I’ve already got a little brother,” Dawn said, sitting next to him. “Why would I be excited about another one? It’s the worst.”
Jeff snorted, and failed in his attempts to keep the smile off his face. “Just wait until he’s old enough,” he said. “We’re gonna annoy the shit out of you.”
“Oh, I know.” Dawn unwrapped her sandwich and spread the wax paper over her lap. A seagull landed in the sand in front of them and folded its wings, watching them expectantly.
“Beat it,” Jeff said around a mouthful of bread and salad.
“I wish they’d named him James,” Dawn said after a moment. “Jack, Jeff and James.”
Jeff didn’t answer her. He took another giant mouthful of his sandwich and watched the surfers coasting into shore.
“I wonder if Gracie will remember today,” Dawn said. “But I guess she’s the same age I was when you were born, and I can’t remember that. Just seems like you’ve always been around.”
Jeff heaved a sigh. “What,” he said.
“What what?”
“What are you bugging me for?” He raised his eyebrows at her. “You want a signed document to say I got a baby brother today and I’m officially happy about it?”
Dawn looked down at her sandwich and shrugged. “I’m just wondering,” she said. “I’ve got mixed feelings about today as well, you know.”
“Fascinating,” Jeff said. “Write it all in your diary.”
Dawn pulled her long braid over her shoulder and twirled the end of it around her finger, deciding not to talk about it anymore. She didn’t want to push Jeff into a worse mood than the one he was in. The last thing they needed was a story in a few years that started with, “Remember the day Ben was born and we had that massive argument on the beach?”
Out of the corner of her eye she saw his shoulders slump suddenly.
“Sometimes it just feels like Dad and Carol are trying to replace us,” he said. His voice was sullen, like he was confessing against his will. “Now they have a girl and a boy.”
“They’re not trying to replace us, you moron,” Dawn said, doing her best to keep her voice affectionate.
“I know that,” Jeff snapped. “It’s just what it feels like. Doesn’t your psychology text book mention how feelings don’t always have to be based in reality?”
She rolled her eyes. “I guess it’s just…” Dawn paused, trying to get her thoughts in order. She wasn’t sure how to convey her feelings in words; everything seemed to be mixed up and she wasn’t sure which particular emotion was going to become dominant.
“You know I’m right,” Jeff muttered, taking her silence as an agreement.
“No, Jeff.” She swallowed. “Try and look at it from Carol’s point of view, not just Dad’s. As much as she loves us, and as much as we’re her family, I think she wanted the experience of pregnancy and birth as well, you know? Maybe it’s hard for her to look at us sometimes and know that we have Mom as well as her.”
Jeff pushed his feet back and forth through the sand, glowering out at the waves.
“It’s okay to feel weird about it,” Dawn said, electing not to use the word jealous. “I do too.”
“It’s not that I hate Gracie or anything,” Jeff said. “I love her. And Ben, too. I’ll love him. I mean, I do. It’s just…”
“Yeah, I know,” Dawn said. She left her sandwich sitting in the wax paper across her lap, and leaned back in the sand. She immediately wished she hadn’t; she could feel it coating her palms. She lifted her face to the sun and closed her eyes.
“Can you imagine if Mom and Richard had another kid?” Jeff asked after a moment, and his voice sounded a bit strangled, like he was trying not to laugh.
“Oh, don’t,” Dawn said. “It’s weird enough with Dad and Carol – we don’t need to include Mom and Richard in these things.”
Jeff laughed for real. “It’s so hard to imagine Richard with a baby.”
“I remember they talked about it, after they got married.”
“Ugh, I don’t remember that,” Jeff said. “Gross.”
“I bet Mary Anne would love another brother or sister,” Dawn said, feeling a stab of guilt.
“I bet when she gets married she has like eight kids,” Jeff said. “Like the Pikes.”
Dawn laughed. “Maybe. I should call her later. She’ll want to know about Ben.”
Jeff crumpled his sandwich wrapper. “You gonna finish that?” he asked.
“No, you can have it.”
He took her half-eaten sandwich. “Do you think they’ll have any more?” he asked after a moment.
“I don’t think so. They have a girl and a boy now. And us. Things are crazy enough as it is.”
“Yeah, Dad and Carol have never added to the crazy,” Jeff said. “They’re always totally sensible. ‘Don’t have another baby, you guys, it’ll just add to the crazy.’ ‘Oh, you’re right, Dawn, thank you for pointing that out.’”
“You’re welcome, guys,” Dawn said, adopting the same smooth tones Jeff had used to mimic their parents. “By the way, I’m worried about Jeff. He’s kind of turning into a giant asshole.”
“We don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jeff said. “He’s our pride and joy and if you say another bad word against him, we’ll ship you back to Connecticut, young lady.”
Dawn laughed, and Jeff grinned at her.
“I’m kind of excited,” Dawn said, sitting up again. She dusted the sand off her hands. “I like babies.”
Jeff chewed his sandwich. “I’m excited too,” he said. “Just… I dunno.”
“Apprehensive?”
“Mm.” He threw the last mouthful of sandwich to the seagull. “Didn’t really feel like it was actually happening until I saw him for real.”
“Yeah, I know. You’d think nine months of waiting for him would kind of… We’d be ready for him.”
“I wonder if Dad and Carol feel like this too,” Jeff wondered. “Like, Carol said last week she just wanted him out of there, but does she wish now she still had an extra week to get ready?”
“I don’t think so,” Dawn said. “Didn’t you see her face this morning? That’s the happiest anyone can look.”
“I guess it’ll take a few sleepless nights and diaper changes before that look disappears,” Jeff said.
“When did you get so cynical?” Dawn asked.
“I dunno,” he answered, sounding amused. “I guess it was bound to rub off after a while. My sister is pretty cynical.”
“No I’m not!”
“Relax, I was talking about Gracie.” He got to his feet and offered his hand to her. “C’mon, it’s too hot to sit here. Let’s go home.”
He pulled her up, and she dusted herself off before she followed him back to the car.
“Can you drive the limit, please?” he asked, sinking into the passenger seat, sprinkling sand everywhere.
“I do drive the limit, shut up,” she said, self conscious as she started the car. She methodically checked her mirrors as Jeff tampered with the air conditioner.
“It’s still busted,” he said, winding his window down. “I thought Dad was gonna take it to be fixed.”
“He’s been kind of busy lately,” Dawn said, carefully steering out into the road again. “Other things on his mind.” She freed her braid from where it was trapped between the seat and her back, and then locked both hands around the wheel again. “I wonder if he’s home yet.”
“You know,” Jeff said slowly, “we should totally cash in on this. I mean, we kind of missed our chance with Gracie, but…” He grinned at her. “It’s not every day a guy has a son. He’s gonna be in a pretty good mood for at least a week, right? Before the exhaustion really sets in.”
“Jeff,” Dawn sighed.
“What? I’m just saying if he was ever gonna be convinced to buy me a new game console, this would be the time.”
“Cynical and devious,” Dawn said.
“On my business card.” Jeff opened the glove compartment and found a pair of sunglasses Dawn was pretty sure belonged to Sunny. “Dibs,” he said, pushing them up his nose.
“You can’t call dibs on stuff that’s in my glove compartment,” Dawn argued. “Put them back; they’re Sunny’s.”
He ignored her and knocked the glove compartment closed with his knee, settling back in his seat. “Thanks for the sandwich,” he said after a moment.
“I mean it, you’re not keeping them.”
He grinned and looked out the window. “It was a real thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Dawn tried not to look too smug. She was glad he was acting himself again.
“If Dad and Carol really are trying to replace us,” he said after a moment, “do you wanna become rich and famous and really stick it to ‘em? Like, okay, you guys replaced us with newer model children, but we’re rich now and we don’t need you, so whatever.”
“Yeah, okay,” Dawn said, checking her mirrors and her blind spot four times before she put her turn signal on and merged into the next lane. “Have you thought about how we’re going to get rich?”
“Well, you don’t need both your kidneys, do you?”
“I’d kind of like to keep them both.”
“Oh, come on, Dawn! Don’t be selfish.”
She just laughed and shook her head.
“Okay,” Jeff sighed, lifting the sunglasses to rub his face. “I guess I need to start on Ben early. Train him to obey my every demand.”
“Like you have a hope in hell.” She glanced at him. “Anyway, as a big brother you have a responsibility to your little brother. Make sure he grows up right, you know? Parents can’t teach a kid everything.”
“I’m doing a pretty good job so far,” he said. “Gracie thinks I’m okay.”
“Most of the time,” Dawn agreed.
“You think I’m okay,” he said slyly.
She smirked. “You’re okay. Sometimes.”
“Do you think it’ll be weird for Grace and Ben growing up with us so much older than them?” he asked. “We’ll both have left home before Gracie has finished elementary school.” He paused. “Well, I will have. You’ll probably be a college dropout trying to write your own environmental newsletter out of your bedroom.”
Dawn narrowed her eyes. “You thought of that future for me pretty quickly.”
“I’ve had it stored up for a while,” he admitted. “But seriously, do you think it’ll be weird? I mean, when Mary Anne moves out, Mom and Richard can do what they want. Like, travel, or sell the house and move somewhere else without worrying about school or whatever. Dad and Carol kind of have to start all over again.”
“I’m sure they’ve thought about that,” Dawn said. “I guess it’ll be kind of weird, though.”
“Can we like…” Jeff trailed off.
Dawn waited, pretending for a moment that driving required so much concentration she was incapable of prompting him to continue.
“Like, you can drive now,” Jeff said after a moment. “I’m kind of stuck in the house and it’s gonna be… a bit…”
“Yeah, I know,” Dawn said. “If you ever want to get out of there, just let me know. We can have lunch on the beach again or something.”
“Yeah,” Jeff said with a sigh of relief. He folded the sunglasses and put them back in the glove compartment as they approached the intersection to Buena Vista. “Thanks.”
“No problem. But you’re paying for lunch next time.”
“Fine,” he drawled. He grinned at her and shrugged.
Dawn pulled in behind her dad’s car in the driveway and shut off the engine. They sat in silence for a moment, looking at the house. They could see the flicker of the television through the front window.
“It still feels weird,” Jeff said.
“It’ll feel weird for a while,” Dawn said. “It doesn’t mean we don’t want Ben.”
Jeff nodded.
“Anyway,” Dawn said, “he and Carol won’t be home for another day or so. We’ve still got some time to adjust.”
“You mean, time to play a video game at top volume,” Jeff said, opening the car door. “Excellent idea, Dawn.”
“Why would that ever be an excellent idea?” Dawn asked, following him. “You need a baby in the house to stop you from shaking the walls with simulated explosions?”
“How long before Dad lets Ben play video games, do you think?”
“A few years at least.”
He sighed and pushed the front door open. “I guess you’ll do until then.”