Work Text:
The diary of Brenda Lafferty in 1984
Jan 1st Salt Lake City Windy
Dear diary,
This is the first day of the new year, as usual, the weather in Colorado City never goes well. When I sitting in front of my bedroom window to write this story, I could hear the wind roar drastically, as if shaking the windows into pieces. Luckily, Erica is asleep, deep into her sweet mellow dreams, and thanks to God, she isn’t coughing.
I’m quite worried about Erica’s health. She got sick last week and hasn’t recovered yet. Well, that’s not seriously sick, but still tortuous for a one-year-old baby. I’ve thought about taking her to the doctor, but Allen said no, you know he never believed in those modern-day medical treatments, even when his dad had diabetes, they’d rather let him die instead of cooperating with the doctors. They said that’s what God wants them to do, they are following the instruction to become the next PROPHET.
I know my tone is quite sarcastic, but why not? Their belief is not what I learned from the LDS church in my whole life. But something is ongoing within Allen and his brothers. I tried my best to keep an eye on him, nonetheless, there will always be something that I cannot notice. I have a presentiment, something is going to happen this year. If the situation turns worse--though that’s quite mean talking about this on the New Year--in no minute I’ll bring Erica back home to Idaho.
March 27th Salt Lake City Sunny
Dear diary,
Sorry for leaving you out for so many days, but I do have piles of things to worry about in my life. Ron and Dan built a “school” named the School of the Prophets, which, from my suspicion, must be a place to continue and spread their zeals on the GREAT MISSION. Allen also wants to be a part of them, but I stop him--then he beats me, not the first and won’t be the last time. The belt slashes on my face with a red-stript scar which hasn’t dissipated until now. He clutched my hair to bump me to the ground, and the only thing I can do is to protect poor little Erica’s cradle. I grappled with him, I can’t imagine I even bite him to prevent him from hurting our sweet Erica.
The last time Allen beat me I immediately called home. I wanted Betty to bring me back with Erica, and I missed my parents’ cozy nest with the perfume of Ithaca’s glacier and Idaho’s scorching sunlit. There’s nothing the same here, in Colorado, except the Mormons and the Church, remaining still in the center of the solitude desert till eternal.
Yes, I could leave Allen as I prompted Diana to leave Ron. But I know I can’t. I admitted that once I had the idea of taking Erica home if he beats me again. But I discovered that I can’t let Erica lose her father--that’s unfair to her, and also I believe Allen is different from his brothers. He is special, I know this from the first moment I met him on BYU’s campus. I’m as clear as crystal that I have to save him from his Satanic brothers, this is the task Angel Elijah gave me, which is even more precious than Joseph Smith’s golden plates.
I know Allen will apologize to me, like what he did dozens of times before when he beat me. I have too many events I want to tell you about, but I hear the knocking on the door, Allen must come home...I have to prepare dinner for him now, see you next time.
May 14th Salt Lake City Rainy
Dear diary,
Long time no see! Yes, bad weather again, the raindrops are tapping on my window, which quite corresponds to my mood. Ron must say something terrible to Allen because when he came home for dinner today, I swear I’ve never seen him that serious. I asked him what happened but he only informed me that he would protect me no matter what’s going on. That’s quite weird because when I wanna probe deeper he refused to answer any questions and furiously smashed a plate, which frightened Erica to burst into a rage of tears.
I suspected Ron must missay me. I know he never liked me. All the brothers of Allen hated me a lot. Once in a family reunion, Ron called me “bitch” in front of everyone, but what wrongdoing have I done? Forbidding them enacting polygamy in their families or ignoring their violence and mean treatments to their wives? That is a violation of not only legislation but also our basic human rights. It’s already the 20th century and they can’t let women stay at home and be subservient to men. It’s quite common sense women can work as perfect as men in their occupations, but when I encouraged their wives to go out working and refused their unreasonable demands of polygamy, they treated me as I am the heretic.
Ron said all the things he had done were under the instructions of God. But I know there's no way that God would tolerate his malicious vices and give him any true revelation, otherwise, he is not God. The reality is they utilized religion as a tool to suppress women and fulfill their desires, while I cannot sit and watch all these things happen. As long as I persuade Allen to break up with his siblings, we’ll leave this city at once.
July 24th Salt Lake City Sunny
Dear diary,
What a beautiful day! Erica grows up a little now. She can already speak “daddy” and “mommy” with her innocent soft voice. She is so smart and hopefully she can enter the top unis in the future.
Yes, universities, clearly other Lafferty boys won’t approve this plan, but there’s nothing to do with them. I’m determined that Erica must receive a formal education when she grows up. Now I’ve realized education is the key for women to be independent and to think independently, after a few conversations with those poor wives of other Lafferty boys. Education lets me distinguish right from wrong and provides me the ability to articulate my reasons to refute those unreasonable demands. Every time I talk about education I cannot help thinking about the offer of teaching communications at BYU I received. I won’t let Erica repeat my life. She and all the girls need the education to justify the inequalities and mistreatments in society, while men, like my husbands’ brothers, withhold girls’ opportunities of being educated to control them. The blinding people are the easiest ones to be manipulated.
I’ll talk with Allen later about Erica’s education. I believe he could finally agree with me… oh dear diary, someone is knocking on the door, I have to check out what happened, maybe see you later and continue our conversation?
End.