Chapter Text
It’s been 6 years since they debuted.
Wonwoo should be used to do this, the deafening screams of the crowd, the rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins, the lack of breath, and this overwhelming feeling he can't put a finger on.
But right now, all he wants to do is run away; from Carats, from his members, and from Mingyu, who has an arm wrapped around Wonwoo’s shoulders as if he hadn't just dropped the biggest bomb on them mere hours ago.
For the sake of their fans, he puts on a brave face and smiles, forcing him to relax under Mingyu’s touch.
It's the ending ments of their concert. Wonwoo has never been one to cry. He leaves that job to the younger ones like Seokmin. But he wonders, if it would be okay, just this once to use it as an excuse to let a tear fall.
He exhales as the gates close on them slowly, separating them from their fans who scream passionately.
He doesn't know why but he makes the mistake of turning to glance at Jeonghan, standing at the far end beside Seungcheol. The elder’s already watching him, inquisitive eyes boring holes into him and Oh god, Jeonghan knows.
He tears his gaze away as the gates finally close and Wonwoo steps away from the younger, who doesn't seem to notice the loss of warmth from his side, casually striding away towards Minghao and the rest.
“Good Job Seventeen!” Hoshi yells and his members respond with a cheer, having finally wrapped up their tour. Wonwoo begins to walk away, afraid he might not be able to keep a brave face anymore.
Somehow, Jeonghan catches up to him, “Wonwoo-yah” he softly grabs Wonwoo’s wrist, making the younger turn to face him, silent. He purses his lips, gently patting his head, “Good job, Wonwoo-yah”
And it’s as if all the tension in his body dissipates, his Hyung’s hand warm on his head. He swallows thickly, glancing once at Mingyu before acknowledging Jeonghan with a nod, “Thanks, Hyung”
And before he can let his vulnerabilities, he rushes away.
And all he can think about is how Jeonghan knows about Wonwoo’s feelings for Mingyu.
--
It was right before the concert that Mingyu had decided to announce to his members that he had gotten a girlfriend.
Not just that but also that they had already been dating for 2 months now, feeling that it was finally time they told his friends.
“No way! You’re so sneaky!”
“Congrats, Hyung! When can we meet her?”
“Mingyu-ah, I hope you don't let it affect the group activities”
Mingyu replied to them all enthusiastically, reassuring Seungcheol that nothing had gone wrong in the past two months and he desired to continue that.
Continue.
Wonwoo hadn't realized but he had been staring at Mingyu for a while now, eyes wider than usual, utterly shocked. But he’s sure, to the others, it only looked like he was spacing out. When Mingyu found Wonwoo looking at him, he smiled brightly, in a way which made Wonwoo’s heart twist painfully, “Sorry I didn't tell you, Hyung” he apologized with a grin
Wynwood snapped out of his trance, nodding, “well, now you did” he forced a smile and Mingyu went back to chatting with the other guys after flashing him a grin.
Mingyu was dating.
Had been dating for about 2 months now.
And Wonwoo had no clue about it.
They’re housemates for fucks sake and Wonwoo--
“Hyung! Where did you meet her?” Chan chirped and Mingyu blushed, “she works as a Barista in a cafe”
“Wait the one you go to ALMOST every day?” Seungkwan teased and Mingyu burned bright, nodding shyly. And Wonwoo? Wonwoo’s heart just crumbled because all this time, he had assumed Mingyu had picked up on the fact that Wonwoo had taken a liking to Lemon Iced Tea. That he made the effort to buy him one of those every day.
Of course, it was only his wishful thinking because the only reason Mingyu frequented that cafe was not because of Wonwoo but because of his girlfriend.
“We’re on in 5 minutes!” one of the staff members announced and the topic was quickly forgotten as the guys rushed to their positions.
Wonwoo should’ve known Jeonghan knew when he stayed back with Wonwoo, whose legs had cemented themselves to the floor. He should’ve known when Jeonghan hugged him tightly, whispering a soft ‘let’s have fun' before pulling away.
But Wonwoo had been too distracted by the sound of his heart-shattering to even think about that.
Now, as he watches the cityscape from his window, his head is empty, heart hollow. There’s nothing to think about, is there? All Wonwoo hears no is the tune of a song escaping Vernon’s headphones, distracting him from the sounds the pads of Mingyu’s fingers make when they touch the screen, indicative that he had been texting someone. And by the smile on his face, it had to be his girlfriend.
He steers his gaze away from Mingyu, hoping he could just as easily erase his feelings as well.
But when things pile up over 6 years, it’s rather difficult to do so.
--
Their debut is tomorrow and Wonwoo really shouldn't be awake at this ungodly hour but he is, too anxious and nervous to fall asleep. Fearing his toiling and turning would wake the others, Wonwoo had slipped out of their dorms, finding solace on the roof with a bottle of cola.
There are so many things bubbling inside Wonwoo but he doesn't know who to talk to without freaking them out as well. Cold feet can be contagious and he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize their debut.
So for while, he just watches the stars above, hoping they’d comfort him a bit. But the thrumming of his heart doesn’t stop.
“Hyung” he almost jumps upon hearing the voice, turning around to look at a sleepy Mingyu, hair a mess and eyes swollen from sleep. Wonwoo can tell he had been sleeping blissfully before he woke up.
“What are you doing here?” he asks as Mingyu settles beside him, grabbing the Cola to take a sip, “I should ask you the same”
Wonwoo sighs, scratching the back of his head, “couldn’t sleep. Cant sleep”
Mingyu yawns, “me neither” and Wonwoo glares at the obvious lie. Mingyu giggles, “Sorry. I woke up cuz you weren’t there anymore. I just came to check up on you”
Wonwoo bites his lip, “thanks” he says, finding no point in denying it. He really could use some company right now.
They sit in silence for a while before Wonwoo finally speaks up, “Mingyu, arent you scared about the future?”
Mingyu raises his brows and pushes his lower lip out, pondering, “Not really. We’ve worked hard. We’ll make it”
Wonwoo smiles, “you always know what to say” still restless but calmer than before. It’s surprising just how much Mingyu’s words can affect him. But he expects nothing less from someone he's known for a few years now.
“Are you still nervous?” Mingyu asks. Wonwoo shrugs, raising the can of cola to his lips. All of a sudden, Mingyu’s hand is around his, eyes trained on Wonwoo. And it's only now that he realizes just how terribly his hand is trembling in Mingyu’s. He bites his lips, “hey--”
He’s pulled into a hug, arms wrapping around him.
Wonwoo isn't one for physical affection. He gets awkward and pushes others away but right now, he thinks he’s never needed a hug so much before. He lets out the breath he had been holding, wrapping his arms around Mingyu.
“Hyung” he calls and WOnwoo hums, “yeah?”
“I’ll be by your side. So don't worry about anything, okay?”
It's silly how Wonwoo knew it was merely a reassurance, not a full-fledged promise, but it made Wonwoo’s heart race in a way it never had before. He’s usually dense when it comes to those feelings but he knew at once that the emotions churning inside him weren't something one feels for a friend.
The realization terrifies him and his fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt.
He swallows, chuckling to disguise his fear, “Am I the Hyung or are you?” he comments and Mingyu laughs, not letting go just yet.
As Wonwoo lets his eyes fall shut, he realizes that from tomorrow, everything would be different
Their lives and his feelings.
--
Who knew that crush would grow into such an intense feeling today? Where knowing that the person on Mingyu’s mind, the one that makes him smile randomly is someone else.
Wonwoo opens his eyes when the car comes to a halt. When he looks around, he realizes this isn't his stop.
“Here, Hyung” Mingyu calls and Wonwoo turns to face him expressionlessly, eyes falling to what Mingyu had extended towards him. It’s a key.
The key to their house.
He frowns, taking it anyway.
“Mingyu, wha--”
“I’ll be getting off here,” he says, opening the door and Wonwoo sits up, “what? Why?”
But the blush that creeps up his cheeks comes like a slap to Wonwoo’s face who realizes Mingyu’s here to meet his girlfriend.
“Oh” is all he says, eyes trained on the key, their key.
“Go to sleep, okay, Hyung? You've been kinda off today. Don't stay up too late, hm?” he says, pulling a mask over his face. Wonwoo nods, stopping himself from swallowing the thick knot in his throat.
Kim Mingyu, you're so cruel
“See you!” he exclaims when Wonwoo raises his hand, waving at him as the younger closes the door. As the car begins to move, Wonwoo’s hands fall to his lap, clutching the key tightly. His other hand shaking terribly, just like all those years ago.
He inhales deeply, forcing himself to focus on the traffic outside.
But he can't help but wonder if like all those years ago, Mingyu had noticed it.
He purses his lips, closing his eyes.
Probably not
--
Seventeen is a large group. 13 isn't in any way a small number and more often than not, it’s difficult for everyone to pay attention to each other all the time. While the eldest 3 do their best to check up on the younger ones, there's only so much they can do. So, barring a few, most of them split off into smaller groups, pairs, and trios, or whatever is convenient. The maknaes are always together, Dino and Soonyoung are holed up in the practice room, Jun and Minghao have gone out, Dokyeom is with Shua and Jihoon, recording and Jeonghan and Seungcheol are doing what they do best, acting like an old married couple, bickering and cuddling somewhere.
That leaves Wonwoo whos on the couch, browsing aimlessly through his phone. But nothing interests him.
Days have gone by and Wonwoo’s no better. He’s still worked up about the revelation though he doesn't let it show. He’s good at hiding his emotions that way, disguising them with an indifferent expression. Thanks to that, no one seems to have noticed something’s up. No one except Jeonghan who Wonwoo still finds watching him sometimes. He knows but he hasn't said anything about it. Even when they're alone, he only asks if Wonwoo’s eaten or not and that's that. Wonwoo’s grateful for that because he thinks he really isn't ready to address the situation just yet.
He glances at the clock, sighing when he realizes it’s almost 3. Right about now, Mingyu would probably ask him if he’s had anything to eat or drink. It’s shocking just how dependent Wonwoo is on Mingyu for his diet. But things have changed.
The two months which Mingyu had managed to hide from all 13 of them were possible only because Wonwoo hadn't noticed a change in Mingyu. But then again, he probably went out of his way to make sure nothing changed to make sure no one was onto him. But now that it's all in the open, Mingyu is free to do what he wants. No one would question him.
Wonwoo turns on his side, wondering where Mingyu is right now. The possibilities terrify him, really.
He’s a grown man and he really shouldn't be sulking like a little kid who had his candy snatched. Yes, it hurts. But Wonwoo will get over it like he always does.
Unlike Wonwoo, Mingyu has dated a lot of people. No, that’s not right. Rather than date, they've more or less been casual hookups, laying no more than a few weeks. Maybe the reason why it hurts so much right now is that Mingyu seems serious about this girl. He hasn't introduced her to them yet and frankly, Wonwoo is thankful for that as well. He’s worried the facade he's been holding up will finally crumble and he'd be exposed like a live wire.
The past week and a half hasn’t been unbearable. Though, Wonwoo hasn’t been able to meet Mingyu’s eyes, not once. He isn’t avoiding him per see, but he has been maintaining his distance. But he doesn’t think the younger has even noticed. Either too preoccupied with his girlfriend or because sometimes, Wonwoo does that. Likes to distance himself, have some time to himself. Either way, as far as Mingyu was concerned, nothing has changed between them. They're still bandmates, housemates, and friends who’ve known each other for almost a decade now. Mingyu knows nothing, not of Wonwoo’s feelings or how he’s hurting.
Hurting? Has Wonwoo been hurting, really? He admits that he’s shaken up thoroughly. But he’s surprised he hasn’t shed a single tear. Wonwoo’s known to not cry. While he’s not emotionless, he seems to have greater control over his actions. Sometimes WOnwoo wonders if he even likes Mingyu. He’s heard stories of people crying rivers for their love but Wonwoo has been as dry as the Sahara desert. Sure, sometimes his eyes get misty when he gets overwhelmed but other than that, nothing. So, does he not like Mingyu enough to cry? Does it not hurt enough to make him cry?
Wonwoo turns to lie on his back again, staring up at the ceiling, wondering, what now?
Wonwoo has never been one to seek his members out. But today, he finds himself falling asleep in their dorm instead of the house he shares with Mingyu, hoping he wakes up from the nightmare that this week has been.
—
“ Hyung” Mingyu calls and Wonwoo looks up from his novel, “hm?”
Looking troubled, Mingyu purses his lips, “I’ve been wondering”
“Wondering what?”
“We write these lyrics about being in love and all….but I never relate to them”
Wonwoo’s brows rise in surprise, not having expected such a ques tion from Mingyu. He closes his book, “why do you think that is?” Mingyu asks and honestly, Wonwoo doesn’t know. But the obvious answer would be “Maybe because you’ve never been in love”
Hearing the reply, Mingyu’s eyes widen the slightest bit. He nods, having understood.
“I suppose that’s true. I've never been in love with anyone” he scratches the back of his head, “maybe my babysitter when I was like, 10” he jokes and Wonwoo smiles.
Wonwoo doesn’t know how to feel when he hears Mingyu has never been in love. But his heart races a little, thinking of Mingyu and Love in the same sentence.
“What about you?” the younger asks.
“What about me?”
“Do you…relate to those lyrics, Hyung?”
Wonwoo wants to feign ignorance, pretend he didn’t understand his question when oh boy, he did. Mingyu’s asking him if he’s ever been in love. He’s curious if there is someone in his heart when he writes those lyrics. Should he tell him? That there is someone? Will Mingyu be satisfied? Or will he ask him who it is? And if he does, what is Wonwoo going to tell him? That’s been in love with him for 3 years now?
“No”
A blatant lie
Seemingly satisfied with the answer, Mingyu goes back to doing whatever he was, leaving Wonwoo with a bitter taste on his tongue.
Maybe someday in the future, he would be brave enough to come clean about his feelings.
But today’s not the day .
—
“Hyung” Chan’s voice wakes Wonwoo up from his nap.
Nap? It’s almost 8 now and fuck, he’s been out for 5 long hours, probably an outcome of the lack of sleep combined with practice and well, Mingyu.
“Hey?” he sits up, rubbing his eyes.
“Manager Hyung asked when you’d be going back home so he can drive you,” he says and Wonwoo sighs, “I guess, ill go home now”
Chan smiles, “okay, ill tell him,” he says, “and sorry for waking you up Hyung. I didn’t want to, especially since you looked so peaceful,” he remarks and Wonwoo frowns, “what?”
Chan shrugs, “you don’t look too well these days, Hyung. You space out during practice, more than usual. It worried me a bit”
Wonwoo stares at the youngest one in silence.
So someone had noticed after all….
“I know I might not seem like the most observant type, I leave that to Jeonghan Hyung for the most part, but it's great to see you getting some rest, Hyung. I’m glad” he smiles brightly.
For some reason, Wonwoo had wrongly assumed that other than Mingyu, no one really paid attention to him. He couldn’t have been more wrong and while he’s never held anything against his members for that, he feels guilty for assuming so. But right now, he’s happy. Relieved even.
Chan’s about to leave when Wonwoo speaks up, “hey, chan?”
“Then, can you tell manager Hyung ill be another hour? I’d like to sleep a little more” he says and Chan grins brightly, “sure do! Rest up Hyung!”
As Wonwoo falls back on the couch, he thinks it’s okay to rely on his members from time to time.
—
“I'll see you tomorrow, Wonwoo-yah. Go on inside, it’s gonna rain soon” his manager says and after Wonwoo acknowledges with a nod, he drives away with a smile. Wonwoo exhales, stretching his limbs before walking into his building
He’s slept for 6 hours already and he doubts he will sleep tonight. His schedule is gonna be so messed up but he doesn’t really care. He feels relaxed for the first time in ages and he’s gonna treat himself to some ice cream he’s saved up in their refrigerator.
As he gets into the lift, he wonders if Mingyu’s home. Or if he’s still out somewhere. Wonwoo tries not to let his mind wander to those thoughts but it was inevitable. Its not like Wonwoo could move on from 6 years worth of feelings in just 6 hours. Yes, he didn’t feel like shit as he did on most days and yes, he could build upon it to slowly move on from Mingyu. He just needs time is all and if he’s diligent, he can be in Mingyu’s presence without worrying about a potential heartbreak.
He unlocks the door, turning on the lights as he walks in. But he pauses when a bright red pair of heels splayed on the floor catches his eyes.
At once, anxiety begins to churn inside him, pooling in his stomach. He shouldn't. He should walk away, run out the door. But he finds himself following muffled sounds of something inside his apartment, their apartment.
With every step, the dreadful reality becomes obvious and the sounds grow louder.
When he reaches the hallway, he sees clothes, all over the floor.
And when he stands in front of the door to Mingyu’s room, a plethora of sounds reaching his ears, Wonwoo has no one else to blame for the way his heart drops to the ground and breaks into a million little places.
—
“For fucks sake, if you turn that light on again I will dump you” Jeonghan groans as Seungcheol slides off the bed, rubbing his eyes, “Can't a man get water?” he complains, and Jeonghan grumbles sleepily, “not at the cost of someone else's sleep”
“I’m so lucky to have you as my boyfriend” he deadpans and Jeonghan nods, turning on his side, “yeah, whatever. Love you too”
It inadvertently puts a smile on Seungcheol’s face and he turns the light off before exiting the room. As he walks through the hallways, he can tell most of the members are asleep, and he’s glad they’re getting the rest they deserve.
As he walks down the stairs though, he finds wet patches on their carpet, emerging from the entrance. He follows the patches to the kitchen and his soul almost leaves his body when he finds a figure sitting by the island.
“Yah! Jeon WOnwoo! You scared the hell out of me!” he complains, alerting the younger who doesn’t make an effort to turn around. He turns on the kitchen cabinet lights, realizing that Wonwoo was the cause of the wet patches, noticeably drenched from head to toe. Where had he been? Why isn’t he home? Did he walk here? In the rain?
Wonwoo doesn’t get up from where he is seated and Seungcheol decides he might as well ask him what’s wrong. Wonwoo….hasnt been well these days. He’s been distant, Seungcheol can tell. And he’s unsure of what to do about it. He had been meaning to address it, ask him if the workload was overwhelming but he hadn’t found the right opportunity to do so. But now looks like the right time.
He slides into the seat across Wonwoo, crossing his arms, “So, tell me”
Wonwoo looks up at him, “Tell you what?” he asks in the smallest voice, and Seungcheol swallows, sensing that something had seriously gone wrong. Right now, Wonwoo seems sad. Not distant, indifferent but….sorrowful.
“Why you’re here. Where’s Mingyu?” he asks. Usually, Wonwoo and Mingyu are joined at the hip but these days, Mingyu’s…well, busy.
Wonwoo flinches at the question and Seungcheol even regrets asking because his lower lip begins to quiver, sending him into a state of mild panic because Seungcheol has never seen Wonwoo like this.
“Wonwoo—”
Wonwoo springs to his feet, startling him, and begins to walk away. Walk out, into the downpour. Seungcheol’s quick on his feet, blocking his exit, “Hey, where are you goin—” he halts, eyes widening.
“Wonwoo-yah” he swallows, “have you been crying?”
Wonwoo frowns, pursing his lips, “It’s the raindrops, Hyung” he says, attempting to push past him. “Hey! You can't just—”
“What’s happening here?” Jeonghan’s voice comes from the staircase and Wonwoo pauses, staring at the blonde. Seungcheol lets go of his hand as Jeonghan walks to them, yawning. But when he sees Wonwoo, it’s as if all that fatigue washes away. He rushes to his side, “Wonungie, why are you drenched?” he looks him up and down, a gentle hand on his arm.
Wonwoo doesn’t reply so Seungcheol does instead, “I found him by the kitchen island. He was just sitting there in the dark”
Jeonghan’s concerned eyes look up at Wonwoo, a hand coming to caress his cheek. Sengcheol has come to understand that WOnwoo is someone who likes to be taken care of, something only a select few of them had picked up on, like Jeonghan, himself, and Mingyu.
Jeonghan looks concerned, rightfully so because neither of them has seen Wonwoo in such a state. And there’s no way to tell what had gone wrong.
“Where’s Mingyu?” Jeonghan asks.
Wonwoo visibly tenses, but he doesn’t move away from the warmth of Hyung’s hand. At the question, his eyes search for something to focus on, anything not Jeonghan and his gentle eyes.
“I..uh, um… I…” he struggles to form words, his body trembling and with every second that passes, Seungcheol grows worried.
The last nail in the coffin is the tear that rolls down Wonwoo’s eye, snatching the air away from his lungs.
“Won—” Seungcheol can't bring himself to speak as more and more tears escape his eye. He raises his hand to wipe them but to no avail, the stream of tears continuing.
“I um, I just—” he sniffles, shaking as he fails at controlling his tears.
Seungcheol’s grateful Jeonghan’s here because the latter takes the initiative to pull a sobbing Wonwoo into his embrace while Seungchol remains cemented in his place.
“Hey, it’ll be alright. Hyung’s here, you’ll be okay, WOnwoo-yah” Jeonghan’s voice breaks a little as well and Seungcheol swallows the knot in his throat.
As he watches the strongest of his members cry, he feels that he’s failed as a leader.
And as a friend.