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chanhee wasn’t someone who cried a-lot like eric or younghoon, he usually keeps his feelings to himself. The other members haven't seen him cry once, besides Changmin when it came to him watching k-dramas. Besides that he never cried in front of the members he lived up to what the “fans” called him cold, even though he didn’t like that name.
what the members didn't know, was there was one thing that broke chanhee to his very core, his appearance. he had struggled with it at school but had learned the skill of faking confidence, for a long time he didn't care that the netizens called him fat or a bad singer or ugly. sure, it stung but he took it in stride, he had mastered this facade he wouldn't let a few silly comments get to him, he was Choi chanhee, nothing got to him.
but then it was one too many comments, one too many comparisons to his members, one too many people telling him about how much he gained weight, how he needed to work out more like juyeon and sangyeon-Hyung, how he should go back to being skinny like he used to be how he should be funny like sunwoo and haknyeon, how he should be handsome like younghoon and hyunjae, how he should...
how he should leave the group.
and all those just one too many are led to his downfall.
"new! the stylist noona's want you!" sangyeon called, startling the singer, he had been zoned out for quite some time now.
"thank you, Hyung." chanhee smiled, bowing slightly as he walked over to the stylist.
"ah, new, these are too small." the stylist sighed, she was quite frustrated, "we'll have you change into some backup clothes."
chanhee was startled, what did she mean they were too small? he hadn't gained that much weight had he? but to save himself from the embarrassment he changed into the extra clothes and walked over to the makeup-noona. he knew he was gonna be pulled aside by their manager after the performance and he wouldn't be shocked if he left with a bruise or two. he was scared, scared that he would hit him worse than he did last time he gained weight.
and chanhee was right, he was drenched in sweat as they got off stage but when he saw the look on his managers face, he knew he was in some deep shit. "new-ah. come with me." their manager said, trying his best to hide his anger in front of the other members who looked at him worryingly, but he smiled and left with the manager who was gripping his wrist.
once chanhee and the manager had reached a separate room, chanhee was expecting a stinging feeling across his face, but rather, he was met with a kick to his stomach, knocking him to his knees.
"who do you think you are, Choi chanhee?" the manager hissed, looking at the singer who was on the floor groaning in pain. "all of the other members follow their diets, they don't have to wear the backup clothes, they don't need me to hit them to get some fucking sense knocked into them."
"I'm sorry." chanhee hiccuped, trying to stand up, only to be punched in the face, blood filling his mouth. He was trying to control his breathing.
"sorry isn't good enough, chanhee. let me clean you up so the other members don't suspect anything." the manager sighed, yanking the boy to his feet. "you are going to be put on a diet, you eat one meal a day. I don’t hit you hard enough to bruise on your stomach for you to not listen to me, tell the others you fell on the way back." he hissed, cleaning the blood off his chin "I hope I won't have to hurt you again, new-ah.”
he and the manager had made it to the dorm just before sangyeon was going to panic. "everything alright manager-nim?" sangyeon asked when they walked in, his hair was still wet from his shower and he was about to explode but he was comforted when he saw chanhee standing tall and proud just like he always did.
"yes, we put new on a new diet, I will e-mail you it later, I have a meeting to attend." the manager smiled, "sleep well goodnight night, you guys don't have schedules until 1 PM tomorrow so sleep in." he waved goodbye.
"go take a shower chanhee, I made some teokbokki earlier there's some in the fridge." sangyeon smiled, watching chanhee adoringly.
"I ate with manager Hyung, thank you tough Hyung." the singer smiled back, walking to get his pajamas and a towel from his room. (and a certain sharp razor blade he hadn't touched in a long time, but sangyeon didn't need to know that.)
before they had debuted, chanhee was still young and sensitive(he still is but doesn’t show it) and sometimes he would use that trust old razor blade of his, but one-day eric found him crying in the bathroom, thighs covered in blood and for about a year after that day they checked his arms and thighs every day to make sure chanhee wasn’t hurting himself again.
they all were so proud when they saw how he recovered, how he let everything go, how he was always happy and walked with pride on his shoulders. his members would always be proud of how chanhee realized his self-worth.
they just didn’t realize that everything was starting again, on how chanhee isn’t realizing his self-worth anymore. How he feels useless again.
there he was, sitting on the shower floor, razor blade in one hand and his other tracing the old marks. he wasn't sure when he started crying, and when he started to taste salt so strongly.
with a shaking hand, he found an empty gap on his left thigh, and he was brought back to the day eric found him. he wanted to die that day, and he tried his hardest, his thighs were covered in slash marks, short and shallow, long and deep, and everything in between, it wasn't supposed to kill him, just take his edge off, but that's not what it looked like.
and right now he did almost the same thing, slashing eleven long yet shallow cuts into his thigh, the sting making him cry more yet letting out a sense of relief. there were eleven of them for all of his members he has let down, and one more for the manager he let down again as well.
chanhee had been on his mysterious diet for about a week now, insisting he was eating lunch with their manager at their daily check in's that were just to monitor his weight loss. chanhee doesn't remember the last time he ate something solid, he remembered protein shakes and the salty mixture of blood and tears from every night of the last seven days, but he didn't remember the food.
"We need to talk about new." sangyeon announced once chanhee had left for his daily 'lunch date'
"what's up?" hyunjae asked, taking a drink from his water bottle.
"I can't be the only one who thinks he's a little... a little off." sangyeon sighed sitting on the practice room floor as they waited for their takeout Chinese food to arrive.
"He seems fine to me, Hyung. it's probably nothing, chanhee would tell us if something was up." Changmin insisted, looking at the leader as if he was stupid, chanhee told them everything.
"would he, Changmin? you know what he was like when it happened...perfectly fine and then suddenly I hear eric sobbing over the phone that chanhee is dying." sangyeon said, tears pricking his eyes, they all hated that memory.
"let's keep a distant eye on him for now, sangyeon-Hyung for all we know he just is having a rough week." Kevin insisted, jumping up when he heard a knock at the door.
"Yeah, don't worry about it too much Hyung." Jacob nodded.
three weeks, that's how long it is since chanhee didn't fit into his clothes. a lot can change in three weeks. one of them being chanhee's weight, chanhee by no means was overweight, to begin with, crecker just had ridiculous standards, they didn't care how much their idol weighed as long s they fit the same measurements when they didn't that's when fnc had a problem.
chanhee had dropped 7 kilograms in three weeks, it was concerning how fast it dropped. he had suddenly gone from 51kg (112lbs) to 43kg(97lbs.)
another thing that had changed was his clothes, they were now all far too big and hung loosely on his shoulders, and he wore nothing but long sleeves. but chanhee was proud, he had dropped sizes from his original, he was beautiful. his bones may be jutting out of his skin, his cheekbones and collarbones may have become concerningly outline. but new was proud, he was finally becoming beautiful again, but he still had a long way to go.
what he didn't realize is he was always beautiful, and he didn't need to risk his health to become beautiful.
it all had happened so fast, he was watching a movie with the members, sitting on the edge of the sofa, scared of taking up to much space. when younghoon walked over and easily lifted the frail body. all of them had always been able to carry chanhee, but this, this was too easy for younghoon’s liking.
"come sit with us." younghoon smiled at the boy who was bridal style in his arms.
"yeah! I want to cuddle with my little one." Changmin called, acting like a toddler and making grabby hands at the skinny boy.
" I’m the only person you call little one." chanhee mumbled as younghoon set him on Jacob's lap. an instant panic fled through his mind he instantly scooted off of the squirrel-looking male.
"you were okay right where you were," Jacob said, wrapping his hands around the youngest to set him back on his lap, moving his hand when he felt the smaller hip bones jutting out.
"no no no, too heavy." chanhee mumbled, trying to resist Jacob's grip, and that's when the movie stopped.
"you are nowhere near heavy Hyung." eric commented from his spot on sunwoo and hyunjae laps.
"you're so light, it's kinda scary," Kevin added, looking at the boy to the left of him.
"too-too heavy." chanhee insisted, pushing himself off of Jacob's lap and landing on the opposite side than he wanted, cornered by juyeon and haknyeon.
"can you tell us what's wrong?" haknyeon asked, he knew telling him that he wasn't heavy would simply make it worse.
"didn't fit in my clothes anymore." he breathed out, ignoring his member’s concerned glances.
the realization of what had happened to their smiley and confident singer hit them like a truck, the management wasn't feeding him, they were destroying the boy's deception of self-worth.
"did they hurt you?" sangyeon asked, setting a hand on chanhee's thighs.
"Just what I deserved." chanhee mumbled, finally looking up at his Hyung.
and another realization hit them, chanhee was crying.
"how much do you weigh right now?" hyunjae asked, he needed to know how bad they hurt his chanhee.
"43 kilograms (97 pounds)" the boy mumbled, the company had told him he only needed to lose 2 kilograms, but they didn't stop him when his weight went way down. even though chanhee already weighed the least of all of them.
"oh little one, that's not healthy..." Jacob said shakily, they should've listened to eric that day.
"did, did you think you were fat?" Kevin asked, brushing the singer’s hair out of his face.
the smaller nodded.
"what would you do if one of us lost seven kilograms in three weeks because we thought we were fat? even though it was dangerous." sangyeon asked, he needed chanhee to understand why they were worried.
"I'd probably tell them they were never fat, and even if they were it isn't a bad thing, and that I love them just the way they are." chanhee hiccuped, watching as his members stare at him heartbroken.
"So can I ask you why you think you're too heavy?" juyeon smiled sadly.
"I don't- I don't know, i-i was only supposed to lose a kilo or two...but want to be perfect like you guys." chanhee sniffled, throwing his head back trying to blink back the tears.
"before we go on a rant about how perfect you are, can I ask you something?" sangyeon asked. all of the members loved chanhee and chanhee loved them all but after that day, he and sangyeon had a special connection.
chanhee nodded.
"have you been hurting yourself?" the leader asked sadly.
chanhee waited for a minute, and his mind went back to the day eric found him. and slowly he nodded.
sangyeon lived up to his promise of the rant to chanhee about how perfect he was, and although didn't believe a single word of it for a long time, he was grateful for it. he was grateful for the number of cuddles he still received, he was grateful that his members were with him through his recovery when he tried to start eating again. and most of all, he was grateful that he didn't work out as much as juyeon sangyeon and hyunjae, that he didn't have to be as skinny as Kevin and Changmin, how he was funny like sunwoo and haknyeon, and how he was handsome just like Jacob younghoon and eric.
and he was grateful that he had all ten of them by his side, who never stopped loving him and helped him recover.