Chapter Text
[THE MARAUDERS(((REAL!!!)))]
11:00AM
prongs I’M TELLING YOU WE WERE ROBBED
prongs: A BEAUTIFUL, SHY, LOYAL CHARACTER WHO WAS SO HONESTLY IN LOVE WITH HIS ONLY FRIEND THAT ACCEPTED ALL OF HIS FLAWS???!!!!
prongs: R-O-B-B-E-D
wormtail: and i’m telling you it’s better this way bc the show was very intimidating and yes, it’s sad it was closed but hey, we got some good seasons for you to rewatch on a blue day
prongs: AND WE COULD HAVE HAD MORE IF WE WEREN’T ROBBED
padfoot: 145 new messages in the last 15 minutes wtf were you talking about
prongs: gm sunshine <3333333
padfoot: omg hi loml <333 how did u sleep
prongs: i would have slept better if it weren’t for pete’s SNORING
wormtail: I DO NOT SNORE YOU MOTHERFLOWER
wormtail: wait WHAT THE DUCK
wormtail: F U C K
padfoot: LMAO WHO’S CHANGED HIS AUTOCORRECT
moony: that would be meeee
prongs REEEEMUSSSSSS
wormtail: hi sexy
wormtail: wtf
wormtail: hi sexy
wormtail: WTFFFFF
padfoot: ohmygod you didn’t-
moony: i certainly did. do not doubt my intelligence pads
prongs: how bored were you?
moony: too bored to take a nap, too tired to watch a movie and too thrilled to see peter’s forgotten phone
padfoot: wait you stayed at our place????
moony: no, i came over at around 7:30AM because i was up all night. james greeted me with a cup of coffee and then i had to rush to see someone
wormtail: at 8am…?
moony: idk what to say i am a very busy man
moony: so…
moony: dirk gently’s holistic detective agency?
prongs: OH YEAH I FORGOT ABOUT MY RANTING
prongs: we were so robbed i hate netflix like man you had only one job and you fucked up. we lost an opportunity to have one of the best adhd character representations and THEY FUCKED IT UP
padfoot: wait a goddamn minute
padfoot: this tv show was canceled like ages ago why did you suddenly remember it?
prongs: i was looking out of our incredible full-length size window and i saw a corgi
prongs: you know where there was also a corgi?????
moony: DGHDA
wormtail: DGHDA
padfoot: DGHDA
prongs: i like it when my men know my taste in tv-series
prongs BUT YEAH
prongs: sirius was asleep, remus was busy, peter was at work so the lovely man, that being me, had to rant somewhere and i decided to do it here to receive some great supportive feedback but SOMEONE thought that DGHDA WAS NOT WORTH REVIVING
moony: oh no peter
moony: you had only one job
wormtail: you do know that i in fact have only one job🤔
padfoot: you’ll be hearing from your supervisor very soon
padfoot: because YOUR ASS IS FIRED
wormtail: at least i make 5 digits
padfoot: EXCUSE YOU
padfoot: IT’S HARD BEING AN ARCHITECT WHEN EVERY SINGLE BUILDING IS GETTING DESTROYED EVERYDAY BY EITHER VILLAINS OR SUPERHEROES!!!!!!!!!🤬🤬🤬🤬
moony: i thought that it would be quite the opposite
moony: that you would get more clients BECAUSE they do that
padfoot: everyone is switching to online platforms. they are saying, “it’s an improvident investment to buy a building for a company. any day SOME vigilante like SPIDER-MAN may end up ruining it”. quote by one and only love of remus’s life
moony: first of all, fuck off. because i am not fangirling as much as you all do about spider-man doesn’t mean that i hate the guy AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T MEAN THAT I THINK HE IS A MENACE
moony: and second of all, my loml is salted caramel ice cream
padfoot: didn’t know you were a rich white girl
moony: it’s salted caramel, idiot. not vanilla or pistachio
moony: it’s the flavor of the gays
padfoot: i take my words back. based
moony: wow a rare case. did you get a cold or smth?
padfoot: i’m gonna cut your throat open
moony: sorry, not into that!
wormtail: it’s too early for this
prongs: STOOOOPPPPPPP ITTTTTT YOU GUYS. YOU ARE DISGUSTING!
prongs: get yourself together we need to do our morning ritual
moony: talking about JJJ is YOUR morning ritual, not mine
padfoot: too late
prongs: j juicy jameson wakes up and chooses violence every day
wormtail: against himself, apparently. have you seen his face? the man looks like he has a cage with spiders to kill to let out his insufferable anger
padfoot: that’s a very thought-provoking controversy. where did you get it?
wormtail: twitter
prongs: we love twitter, but we hate the toxic vibezzzz🤩🤩🤩🤩
moony: how many cups of coffee did you drink today james
prongs: yes
wormtail: that is not how it works-
prongs: i’m ‘kay. besides, you are all busy today so i'm gonna hit the gym
moony: … for the entire day?
prongs: gotta get the juices pumpin’ baby!✨✨✨✨
moony: how do i erase a message from my traumatized memory box
padfoot: u hit delete dipshit
moony: oh sorry didn’t know that it worked that way i thought i had to restart my whole system and reset my password
padfoot: make sure your new password is siriusblackisthehottestguy
padfoot: so i can be in your head 24/7🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵
moony: too long
moony: i’ll change it to siriusisajerk
padfoot: i hate you
[Sirius & Remus]
11:15AM
shrek: yooo moony
shrek: we’re still up for tonight, right?
donkey: gosh we need to change our nicknames
shrek: why it’s hilarious
donkey: FOR YOU
donkey: yeah. 6PM, your place – although it’s not yours and you share an apartment with two other sweaty dudes – fake chinese food & scooby-doo marathon
shrek: good! bc i was worried if you would cancel it last minute
donkey: who do you think i am?
shrek: a donkey
donkey: ruDE
donkey: oh wait nvm i am slow
shrek: maybe next time you actually go to sleep for once?
shrek: if you fall asleep while we are watching scooby-do imma make you dress up like fred for an entire week
donkey: why would you do me so dirty
shrek: bc ily
donkey: ilyt doofus
shrek: i realized that back in middle school u used to dress up like shaggy
donkey: OH, GET LOST SIRIUS
shrek: AHUHJRFEJKSDFJKSKLSKLDSDLKSKL LMAAAAAAAOOOOO
shrek: BUT YOU DID
donkey: FUCK
donkey: OFF
[Remus & Tony Stark]
4:03PM
Tony Stank: Hey Remus.
Tony Stank: Wait, hold up. When did you change MY nickname?
Tony Stank changed their nickname to GBPP Tony
remus: what does it stand for?
GBPP Tony: Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist
remus: i’ll screenshot and send it to pepper
GBPP Tony changed their nickname to Tony Stark(the best)
Tony Stark(the best): You did not see that.
remus: so what’s up?
Tony Stark(the best): I need you in South Korea. RN.
remus: sorry to tell you but i can’t fly or teleport
Tony Stark(the best): No worries about that, Dr. Douchebag is gonna pick you up
remus: huh?
4:10PM
remus: I FORGOT HE COULD DO THAT
Tony Stark(the best): You are facing an escaped prisoner with daddy issues, be ready for whatever is coming.
remus: I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS GIANT ALONE????
Tony Stark(the best): No, Ant-Man’s got your back.
remus: i’m screwed.
Tony Stark(the best): Pretty much yeah. But Scotty’s a good pal. He’ll try his best.
remus: how long do you think it will take me to fight him?
Tony Stark(the best): About half an hour.
Tony Stark(the best): But I need you after that.
remus: i have plans, you know
remus: personal life
Tony Stark(the best): It can wait. It’s very important.
Tony Stark(the best): I’m sorry.
remus: uhhhhh
Tony Stark(the best): I’ll treat you with pineapple pizza.
Tony Stark(the best): Although it’s disgusting.
remus: okay
remus: i’m just sad that i have to cancel my plans
remus: again
Tony Stark(the best): Personal life and The Avengers tend to not work out a lot.
remus: i mean i chose this so it’s fine
remus: DUDE I’M HAVING A CONVERSATION STOP THROWING STUFF AT ME
Tony Stark(the best): Are you texting while fighting?
remus: yes
remus: i’m using karen’s auto voice translator. a very good option when there’s a guy who is trying to kill you
Tony Stark(the best): Then I’ll talk to you later in person.
Tony Stark(the best): Good luck kid.
[Sirius & Remus]
4:45PM
donkey: i’m so sorry
shrek: for what
donkey: there’s been an emergency at Stark Industries and they need me
shrek: no
shrek: you promised me
donkey: i know and i’m so fucking sorry about that
shrek: can’t they deal with it without you?
donkey: i’m afraid no
shrek: remus
donkey: i’m sorry
shrek: it’s fine
donkey: no, it’s not
shrek: well of course it’s not but you and i can’t do anything about it
shrek: do your thing. save everyone. we’ll see each other later
shrek: someday
donkey: i’m sorry sirius
shrek: stop it and go already
[Sirius & James]
4:50PM
killer queen: am sad
killer queen: am so fucking sad
lover boy: oh no :((((((( what’s happened
killer queen: moony canceled on me
killer queen: again
killer queen: there’s been an emergency at SI
lover boy: can’t they deal with it w/o him? :(
killer queen: that’s literally what i told him
lover boy: so the answer is no
lover boy: gosh i am sorry honey you were SO looking forward to this night
killer queen: i haven’t seen him in weeks and i really miss my best friend
killer queen: and you got to see him in the morning. YOU COULD HAVE WOKEN ME UP FFS
killer queen: … but I would probably hit you in the face
killer queen: ………………
killer queen: it’s THAT sad, isn’t it?
lover boy: i’m not telling him, no worries
killer queen: let’s tell him to quit his job
lover boy: n o
killer queen: BUT WHY
lover boy: you know that yourself pads
lover boy: he got a job at one of the largest tech conglomerates in the world and he works there as an assistant for one of stark’s CEOs
lover boy: he is the youngest protégé in the history of stark industries
lover boy: he had worked so hard for it, he deserved to have it
lover boy: this is his dream job honeybun
lover boy: and we have to accept it even though we miss him
killer queen: why r u so freaking perfect
lover boy: that's because i'm a good old-fashioned lover boy
lover boy: let’s just make sure that in the nearest future we are gonna occupy him with oNLY uS
killer queen: GOOD IDEA
killer queen: IMMA ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
lover boy: lmao u will
***
REMUS LUPIN’S NOTES
July 15, 2024 at 9:23PM
I am tired. Utterly exhausted. My back hurts, my head hurts, my ass hurts, my arms hurt so much I can’t even move some of my fingers. I didn’t think that this dude would manage to throw an enormous car at me for calling him ‘lame’. Hit me too hard for fuck’s sake.
I wish I could talk to somebody and get a hug but nooooooo. Remus, you had to become a superhero and hide your identity to protect your friends and family. Oh wait, MJ and Ned know. They figured it out by accident and now they are risking their lives for you. Yeah, no, I’m not going to talk to them. I haven’t in a while, and I won’t.
This sounds absurd, I am talking to myself in notes while eating pineapple pizza. Buuuut I might as well continue this journey. I am bored and I do need to let it all out.
I am an awful friend. I let Sirius down again. I let myself down again. I really wanted to see him tonight but I told him that there was ‘an emergency at SI’. Why do I keep getting away with it? I’ve been lying to him, James & Peter for the past… what… 3 years? At least it’s 3 for me. I blipped. Gosh, I’m just waiting for the moment when they all get tired of me and stop talking to me. It would be safer for them.
It would be lonely, though.
UUUUGHHHHH REMUS JOHN LUPIN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Let’s change the subject. Hmmmmm, OH YEAH! Tony talked to me about an initiative that he’s been working on since the battle with Thanos. It’s like secret Avengers. He invited me to join it, said something like: “You could be a great leader for them.” Well, that’s a lie. No good with leadership. But I said yes. Maybe if I get more tasks, I will manage to bury myself in work and college and get separated from the Marauders. okay, this thought creeps me out. gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh gosh
I’m sorry guys.
***
[Remus & Tony Stark]
10:16PM
Tony Stark(the best): Hey kid.
Tony Stark(the best): Are you ready?
remus: after eating good pizza yes siiiiir i am
remus: thank you btw it was so delicious
Tony Stark(the best): Tell that to Happy. He recommended it.
remus: will do!!!
Tony Stark(the best): Okay. Before I do this, please be aware that they are all around your age (some of them are older due to the blip) and are very nice people. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t push it and just talk to me, alrighty?
remus: yeah. thanks, tony
Tony Stark(the best): No problem.
[THE LEGION: REPUTATION ERA]
10:18PM
the maj: I’M TELLING YOU REPUTATION IS THE BEST ALBUM
aves: no IT’S FOLKLORE
frostbite: i’m with aves on this one
dora: ARE WE GONNA FIGHT?????
hyle: *casually listens to lover all by himself*
the maj: MIGHT AS WELL DO THAT
aves: IM GONNA TAKE IT THERE IF YOU WANT TO SWIFTIE
the maj: THIS IS LITERALLY A COMPLIMENT IDIOOOOOOT
morph: why are you all so mad about some music artist?
white fox: S O M E ???
the maj: M U S I C ????????
aves: A R T I S T ?????????????????????
dora: THAT’S IT
dora: let’s all fight morph
dora: hyle u with us, right?
hyle: definitely
hyle: this person has no taste
morph: wha-
dora: FIGHT🗣🗣🗣
the maj: FIGHT!!!!!!!
aves: FIGHTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
white fox: FIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTTTT
frostbite: fiiiiGGGHTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
morph: GUYS PLEASE
Tony Stark: What on Earth is happening?
aves: nothing
hyle: definitely nothing, sir
Tony Stark: You don’t need me babysitting you 24/7, do you?
Tony Stark: Or… I could ask Doctor Strange to do that.
Tony Stark: Do you want Doctor Strange to babysit you?
Tony Stark: You will probably end up in a canyon or on a very freezing mountain.
frostbite: i mean i’m fine with freezing mountain
frostbite: i’m frostbite lmao
the maj: SHUT UP. YOU DON’T WANT THIS
the maj: SORRY MR. STARK
Tony Stark: Ahem…
aves: sorry mr stark
white fox: sorry mr stark
morph: sorry mr. stark
hyle: sorry mr stark
dora: sorry mr stark
frostbite: sorry mr stark
Tony Stark: Okay, I forgive all of you.
Tony Stark: I have some news.
Tony Stark: We have a newcomer.
Tony Stark: And before I add him to the group chat, I want you ALL to promise me that you won’t dump any questions on him.
Tony Stark: He is very nervous about joining this team.
Tony Stark: And please be nice to him.
aves: pinky promise u mr stark!!!
frostbite: same same
morph: i promise
hyle: I PROMISE!!!!!
the maj: i promise we won’t kill him with pressure
dora: promise
white fox: same. what they just said
Tony Stark: Okay.
Tony Stark: Well, here goes nothing.
Tony Stark added spider-man to the group chat
spider-man: hey everyone
Tony Stark: Meet Spider-Man.
hyle: HOLY SHIIIIIT