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Kaeya hates it.
Standing in front of a full-length mirror in the middle of the night, the cavalry captain’s handsome face couldn’t hide the utter disgust he shows to the reflection in front of him. Kaeya was wearing his usual white silk shirt, only that it was unbuttoned all the way through and his whole chest and abdomen is bare. He shrugged the smooth shirt, letting it drop to the cold tiles underneath his feet.
Bathed under the dim moonlight from his opened window, his lone eye could catch the sight of severe burn scar spreading all over his torso to his back like a broken glass, like a spider web. The damaged skin is thickened and bumpy, varying from angry deep red into unhealthy pale pink, tissues raised and textured.
Oh, How Kaeya hates it.
One trembling hand trace the nearest scar on his sternum, just below his collarbone. It was the most severe as the permanently wrinkled skin is coloured a deep red, almost purplish. It left the nastiest scar because well, his upper body was the main target at that night. He follows the trail; it goes past his pecs, reaching down into his side ribs, and all the way to the middle of his back. Kaeya grimaced as he turns his body to see the damage left on his back.
He could still feel the phantom pain. He could still feel the heat. That fire of justice engulfing the body of a sinner. Kaeya thought he deserved it, that he will gladly burn into ashes if that’s his salvation. The rain may extinguish the fire right away, but the heat still burns, the pain still lingers. The scars throbbed as his mind rewinding that night all over again, that one and only moment where Kaeya hates for being alive. The burden of the truth, the hope of forgiveness and escape, and the weight of Diluc’s livid cold glare.
Kaeya hates it.
He let out a silent grunt as the scar throbbed even more, as if they are answering to Kaeya’s anxiety and anxiousness. He looks back to the mirror and his lilac eye widened when he saw the scar glows in red. His room is dark enough for the red glow to hurt his eye, it’s like they are seared -just like before- in a brilliance red of fire.
The grunt turns into pitiful whimper as his whole torso ached, burning once again in fire from the past. “H-hurts…” Kaeya felt his heartbeat quicken in pace, cold sweat forming on his temple. He felt cold but his body is on fire. The scars sting, it’s like his nerves end is being lit alight, sending sharp pain down his body.
It’s not real.
Kaeya screamed to himself inside his mind, trying his best to calm himself down. He dragged his heavy legs to the bedside drawer, since he has herbal cooling ointment customize as a precaution if Kaeya ever have episode like this. It usually (and hopefully still) helps. The ointment did nothing more than applying cold to his burning (on his mind) skin.
It’s not real, calm down.
Despite the sheer willpower to steadied his mind-state, Kaeya couldn’t deny the tears forming on his eye, his vision getting blurry and blurry each step he took to the drawer. The wooden furniture was supposedly only a couple feet away from where the mirror is, but thrown deep inside his panic, Kaeya felt like there’s an infinity distance between the two.
It’s not-
He keeps repeating the same sentences, chanting the line like a mantra. But when he was only a step away from the drawer, there’s a sharp pain blooming from the scattered scars all over his chest and back. The intensity of the pain increased tenfold and Kaeya groaned as he fall into his knees, losing all the power on his limbs.
Kaeya choked on his spit as his mind ignored the phantom itchiness of the scar, he found his hands roughly scratching the numerous scar. Trying to get rid of the itch, trying to get rid of the pain. His ears ringing, and he could feel his heart stopped beating when he saw blood (he knows it’s not real) on his fingernails. Kaeya looks down, and to his horror, the scar begun oozing blood like it was a fresh scar.
It’s- It’s not-
He didn’t even remember when he started crying. The only thing he remembered is that the scar hurts and he feels like his body is thrown into a pit of fire. He let out a broken sob, the scar decorating his skin -along with his vision- is a grim reminder that he could never belonged into this place he very wants to say as his ‘home’, that he should don his mask and speak only lies upon lies.
He wants to call out for help. But is there anyone who wants to help a sinner like him? Is there anything left in Kaeya to be saved to begin with? He wants to call out for help, oh he really wants to call out-
“Kaeya?”
The broken cavalry captain let out a gasp when he heard the soft voice calling out his name. It snapped him out of his pitiful state and another kind of panic consume him. No one should see me like this, Kaeya thought in fear. He need something, anything, to cover up his scarred figure, hiding all the ugliness from open view. He tried to reach the blanket on his bed, but his hand accidently pushed the books neatly stacked on the drawer, the loudness of the hard-cover books hitting the floor cut through the silent night like a sharp razor.
“I-I’m fine,” he cursed his hoarse voice and his fumbled words and his stutter and the whole world basically. The fact that his answer came too fast and not convincing at all, the normal Knight of Favonius’s sharp-tongue frostblade and quartermaster would be ashamed of him. Kaeya tried to curled himself, making him as small as possible. He prays to any gods, archons, adeptus, or all the divine being, that the bed will be big enough to cover him from whoever standing on his doorstep right now.
But as expected, the Gods and Goddess hates him as usual, as he heard a tired sigh from the other man present in the room, “Don’t lie to me, Kaeya.”
It took the cavalry captain awhile to answer -as if he’s trying to rebuild himself again- before answering, “It’s really nothing, Albedo.” Kaeya holds his trembling breath, body frozen in place.
“P-please.. can you just g-go..? I will be fine, I swear…” he tried to cover the scars on his chest as much as he can by crossing his arms around it, hugging himself. But the coverage area he could manage by himself is limited, as he couldn’t do anything about the scattered scars on his back. He couldn’t let Albedo of all people, to see his sad state.
He will see me like this.
He will see the scars.
He will be disgusted by it.
He will hate me.
His train of thoughts is disturbed by a soft materials covering his trembling body. Kaeya snapped his eye open -he didn’t even remember closing it- and found Albedo’s long white coat being drapped over his shoulder. The head alchemist crouch down so that they are both sitting on the cold floor, then he hugged Kaeya from behind, his delicate arms embracing Kaeya's body has a hint of firmness on it, as if he was holding the man from falling apart. “I’m closing my eyes, Kaeya. I will not open them if you don’t want me to see.”
The act of affection always brings the opposite reaction, and Kaeya just broke. Like a broken dam, the abundant of feeling he hold back for so long flow out uncontrollably just like his tears. He cried silently inside the embrace of his blonde alchemist lover. Albedo tightened his embrace, pulling him closer. Kaeya could feel soft kisses being peppered on his exposed nape as he cried his heart out.
“Is this why you never want the lights on during our intercourse?” Albedo asked softly as he kiss the underneath of Kaeya’s ear. The low and soft voice send a shiver down Kaeya’s spine. Underneath those soft spoken words, there’s a hint of bitterness and... rage? It’s not directed to him though, is the scar makes Albedo angry?
(It’s the reason behind the scar)
“Is this the reason why you always have your garments on and refuse to take them off when we do it on daytime?” he asked again as the alchemist’s gloved hand now caressing Kaeya’s scarred torso. The careful and curious touches trailed over the rigged skin, and Kaeya’s breath hitched when the chalk prince give a firm press against the bigger one scar on his right ribs.
“It’s- It’s an unsightly view. The scars, I mean. It’s hideous.” Kaeya brokenly answered as he let his lover explore his body with just his touch, inwardly grateful that Albedo is not directly seeing him on his pitiful state. Kaeya weakly pushed the arms circling his broken body, and forced his heavy body to faced the head alchemist. True to his word, Albedo has his eyes closed behind him.
Kaeya reached out to the blonde’s right hand. He gently removed the black glove, before bringing his bare hand to rest on his chest, right on top of the scar on his sternum. He guided the fingers to trace the bumpy skin, “Feel this? The scars… on my chest and back is so bad, Albedo. Just from your touch, you can feel how bad it is, right?”
Kaeya continued guiding the hand, following the same trail as the one he did before the panic attack kicked in. “And this is not the only one… I have numerous of them. It’s really ugly. You will… be disgusted by it,” Kaeya said dejectedly, bringing down Albedo’s hand to his lap.
The alchemist was silent for a while, but then he took his other glove off and blindly searching for Kaeya’s hand. When he managed to found it, he clasped it tightly before bring Kaeya’s hand to rest on his neck. “Then it makes two of us, isn’t it? You know I’m a synthetic human, Kaeya. This star-shaped symbol on my neck, is the proof of my imperfection as a human being.”
“But it’s okay, Kaeya. Imperfection is what makes us human, after all.” Kaeya feels his eye started to get teary again as his brain processes the genuine statement from the other man. Albedo makes his hands trace over the star symbol reflecting the star pupil on Kaeya’s eye. The skin on the symbol feels unnaturally thinner than normal skin. As a synthetic human, Albedo’s body temperature is lower than normal human’s, but the colder skin match Kaeya’s own unnatural low body heat. The mere fact that they did match bring a surge of warmth to Kaeya’s heart. The tears fell, and he cursed himself because since when did he turn into a crybaby like this?
As if sensing the newly formed tears, Albedo use his free hand to reach out, gently wiping the tears away. “Please don’t hide yourself from me again, Kaeya.” Albedo asked -no, pleaded- as he bring the cold, trembling hand closer to his lips, kissing Kaeya’s knuckles tenderly. “I will not be disgusted. I will not leave you. You are beautiful just the way you are.”
This time though, the tears formed for different reason. It was not a tears formed of fear, sadness, and regret. The tears he shed now is a tears full of happiness of being understood by someone. “Your imperfection is what makes you perfect, Kaeya.” Albedo leaned foward, placing a gentle kiss on his lips, “I love all of you.”
Albedo opens his eyes-
-and Kaeya let him see.