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A-Zhàn is sad. He is not supposed to, he's supposed to be calm and unshakeable, but he can’t. He knows he did something wrong, he broke the rules, of course he broke them, how could it be otherwise? Māma doesn’t want to see him, cannot see him, and she never refuses when the time is right. And yet, the time is right, but she is not here. So something is wrong. He did something wrong, and māma refuses to see him as his punishment. But he doesn’t want to be punished for something he does not understand. And it’s cruel of māma to refuse to see him. A-Zhàn loves māma very much, and he knows she loves him too. She loves to tease him and to coax the words out of his tumultuous mind. How is he supposed to not be sad?
So he waits. He knows he is being punished. A-Zhàn is good at following the rules, good at being the perfect Lán. Shūfù says he will be a perfect disciple, an example for the rest of the Sect. So for something like that to happen, he did something bad. He does not know what, exactly, but it is the only explanation that makes sense. Shūfù said that māma is gone, but māma would never leave A-Huàn and him. And A-Huàn is not helping, he is not saying anything, why is he not saying anything? The other disciples are trying to speak to him, but he does not want to speak to them, he wants māma to come and tease him again. They are annoying. He knows it’s forbidden to speak ill of others, but they are. He will copy the rules after, but first he wants to see māma.
It’s cold. He knows it’s cold, he can feel it, but A-Zhàn won’t move. If he is being punished, he will wait and take it, he will show māma that he is being a good son, a good Lán. He will repent and then, then māma will let him enter and they will spend the day together, as they ordinarily do. Despite A-Huàn trying to make him move, he will not. He will wait for māma, wait for her approval. He is still kneeling in front of her house, her lovely house with gentians blooming in the snow of the early winter. He is waiting, despite the passing hours, night approaching very fast and curfew even faster. What is the most important? he wonders. The curfew, his punishment, his visit to māma? Can a punishment be interrupted by the curfew? If so, does that mean that some rules are more important than others? He will have to ask A-Huàn. Shūfù does not like when he asks questions. A-Zhàn doesn’t understand why, after all questions are meant to better the understanding of the world, but he will comply with Shūfù’s will.
He fell asleep. He fell asleep and someone moved him. A-Zhàn is in his bed, in his room with A-Huàn, and no longer in front of māma’s house. Does that mean his punishment is over? When he asks A-Huàn, his brother’s eyes shine with unshed tears. Why is Xiōngzhǎng sad? A-Zhàn is already sad, no need for Xiōngzhǎng to be sad too. A-Zhàn missed his special day with māma because of his punishment. So he resolves that next time, he won’t be punished, no. A-Zhàn won’t be punished, so Xiōngzhǎng and him will be able to spend the day with māma and everything will be back to normal. He will be the perfect Lán that Shūfù wants him to be. A-Zhàn… no, Lán Zhàn will grow and stop being a child, he is too old for that. Six is too old to be childish. He understands the purpose of the punishment. Maybe it was Shūfù’s will to show him that he needed to grow up? In that case, he is grateful to Shūfù. Reluctantly, because he still wants to see māma, but it’s too late now.
***
He is not grateful to Shūfù. It’s been a month, and māma is still gone, he says. Lán Zhàn does not understand why his Shūfù is lying, because lying is forbidden, but he cannot disrespect his elders and talk back, but Shūfù is lying. Why isn’t Shūfù being punished for breaking the rules? Why is Xiōngzhǎng so silent and not smiling? Everything is not back to normal, and Lán Zhàn is not happy. The other disciples keep trying to talk to him and say they’re sorry, but why are they sorry? Are they breaking the rules too? Is it a pandemic of breaking the rules? Should Lán Zhàn be worried? Should he speak to the Elders? Surely they would listen to his concerns, even if he is still so young, right? When he tells Xiōngzhǎng his thoughts though, he is not concerned. He tells him to leave it. So Lán Zhàn is a good little Lán and a good brother, and he listens. But still.
Today is his special day with māma, and Xiōngzhǎng is not here, and he does not understand what is going on. Shūfù tried to tell him to go to the library to study, but Lán Zhàn knows his schedule, and he knows that today is for māma, Xiōngzhǎng and him. Even if Xiōngzhǎng is being unfilial, or maybe busy, but why would he be busy on the day of their visit? So is he being unfilial? Does he no longer love māma? If so, Lán Zhàn will have to compensate and apologise for his stupid brother. He is even willing to be punished by māma for Xiōngzhǎng’s inconsiderate behaviour.
He is kneeling, again, in front of the house with gentians. He is waiting for māma to come and say he can enter. Even if everything is not normal, he still retains his manners, and he will be the perfect Lán for his māma so that she finds no fault in him. If he is perfect, if he observes the rules perfectly, she can’t refuse to see him, can’t she? Or is that again a punishment? But… but he did everything he is supposed to do! So what is going on? There is something very wrong. But he won’t budge. No. Not when he’s supposed to see māma and spend the day with her, her gentle smile and her teasing words. Māma is the best at understanding him, even Xiōngzhǎng isn’t as good as her. So she should understand, right? She should understand why he’s here, why he’s waiting, why he’s willing to be punished by her. Even if, in his deepest thoughts, he thinks it’s a bit cruel to not let him see her. But he will wait. He will show māma that he’s taking her punishment, that he understands, that he’s a filial child.
It’s long. He’s waiting, he’s patient, but it’s long. What is taking māma so long? Is she really that angry at him? Did he really do something so wrong that she would refuse to see him? But… but māma always says that their visits are the highlight of her month! Was she lying to make them feel better? And really, why are the visits so limited? He knows that other disciples can see their parents much more often. Lán Zhàn has never seen fùqīn in his life, and he only sees māma once a month. He doesn’t understand, and no one is willing to explain it to him. Even Shūfù told him to never ask. Even Xiōngzhǎng told him that some things simply are and that it is not his role to question them.
The hours fly. He doesn’t move. Even Xiōngzhǎng cannot get him to move away. Even Shūfù, threatening him with punishment. Lán Zhàn simply answers that he is already being punished, and that it would be unfilial not to show māma that he accepts his punishment. For some reason, it gets Shūfù to get back, as if stricken, with an ashen face. But that’s not his concern. His concern is getting māma to come and see him. But it seems she is stubborn. Must be where he gets it. Oh well. Maybe it is a battle of will. He will show māma that he is the most stubborn.
It’s getting dark. Again. And cold. Again. Like last month. And yet, no māma to greet him with a smile and a laugh. No māma to ruffle his carefully combed hair and tell him there is more to life than just rules. No māma to challenge what he knows and what he understands. He doesn’t always understand what māma is saying, but he knows it’s important. So he always listens. No māma to tease a smile out of him. No māma with super powers to understand what he is saying and, more importantly, what he isn’t saying. But he will stay. He knows it’s important he stays. After all, māma is the most important person in his life. Not Shūfù, and not Xiōngzhǎng. They are important, but not as much as māma. He isn’t supposed to have favorites, but… māma will always be the most important person in his life, he knows it.
He didn’t mean to close his eyes, but he did. And now, opening them again, he sees that he was moved. So he fell asleep. Again. Māma didn't come to see him. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong. There is a little voice in his mind, saying that he already knows what is going on, but he ignores it. The voice is wrong. He refuses the truth told. Even if Xiōngzhǎng pities him, Lán Zhàn can see it in his eyes, he refuses. Māma would never abandon him, would never abandon Xiōngzhǎng. Never.
***
It has been so many years since he felt that pain. The pain of understanding the loss of someone dear to his heart. Lán Wàngjī grew ever since that fatal day in his childhood, when his beloved Mǔqīn died and left him and his brother alone. He closed himself to the world, believing that it would be enough to avoid feeling ever again that pain. Only his brother and his uncle stayed close to him. And yet…
It had been the laughter and the defiance that attracted him, despite despising the troublemaking. Wèi Yīng had had that special ability to attract him. A brilliant young man, frivolous to those who didn't seek to see otherwise, and yet always seeking justice and fairness. At least for the others, never for himself. Infuriating.
Wèi Yīng indeed was special. Somehow, he had wormed his way into Lán Wàngjī's heart, his mind and his very essence. He had been his zhījǐ, his very own equal, the only one capable of truly understanding him… or so he thought. Somehow, Wèi Yīng had taken his desperate attempts to keep him safe and to get him help in Gūsū as a desire to imprison him. But Lán Wàngjī would never do that, not after seeing his Mǔqīn suffering so much from the selfishness of his fùqīn.
When Xiōngzhǎng announces that Wèi Yīng is dead, at first he doesn't believe him. After all, Wèi Yīng is brilliant, he has shown that he's adept at surviving impossible odds. But when the details come, it's impossible to deny the truth. The Cultivation World gathered and killed innocent people, elders, and Wèi Yīng. Xiōngzhǎng does not mean to gloat, he knows that, but it still feels like a slap to his face. Xiōngzhǎng is happy that Wèi Yīng is dead. For the first time, Lán Wàngjī feels hatred. And then it goes as quickly as it came. Wèi Yīng wouldn't want him to change himself.
Wèi Yīng is dead. It becomes a truth, just as much as the sky is blue. Wèi Yīng is dead, and Lán Wàngjī will never feel complete ever again. Wèi Yīng is dead, and the world keeps turning. It feels profoundly unfair. Wèi Yīng is dead, those who killed him are delighting in the spoils of his death, and Lán Wàngjī will never see this cheeky smile again, will never be teased like that again. His brother may try, but it feels fake, feels pretended. No one compares to Wèi Yīng.
Due to his punishment, he can't move from his bed. It allows him to bask in his grief. He tries to remember every single moment he witnessed with Wèi Yīng, every interaction, every smile, every laughter. He feels like if he doesn't hold onto his memories, Wèi Yīng will just disappear and all of him will really be lost. It's like a wound left open to fester. He doesn't want to forget. Never.
It's during this quiet time, during his silent and painful recollection of Wèi Yīng's life, that he remembers. There is another one. Xiōngzhǎng didn't mention him, so it means that Lán Wàngjī can hope. No one will listen to him, not now, not for this subject, certainly not so close to Wèi Yīng's death. But he has to try. He will go himself. He has to. He owns it to him. His son. Wēn Yuàn.