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It's funny how fast the night changes. One day you start planning revenge on those who hurt and destroyed your family, the next you're blowing yourself up, faking your death in the process and then, you start living a normal life in a place far away from the same country that twisted your mind and watched you become the monster you genuinely thought you were.
It was impossible to think otherwise when everyone else looked at you with horror in their eyes.
It is funny, extremely so, how quick things can take a turn for either the best or the worst. Yohan likes to think his life is nowhere near the same as it was back in Korea. He's a different man, they are different people now.
It's been four years, one since he left to Switzerland, dragging Elijah along with the promise of a better life in a new place, all for him to struggle with his own convictions; the guilt of having left Gaon behind eating him alive at every passing second, but he knew back then they needed time apart to heal the wounds they had inflicted on each other.
Gaon never had a moment to sit and process everything that had happened with his parents' murderer, his best friend's death and how every belief he had strongly rooted in his heart had mercilessly shattered in the blink of an eye: opening a deep, bleeding gash that seemed to drained every bit of Gaon's soul out of his body.
Yohan needed time to deal with his own demons, time to grieve and time to come to terms with the big gap Gaon's betrayal had left between them. In his heart, he had already forgiven him, but in his head, the pain still lingered, the confusion and heartache he had felt that stormy night nagged in his subconscious to the point of letting loose every bit of fear Yohan ever stored in his heart. Nightmares of a knife slicing through his chest, of Gaon himself dragging him out of his own home, bloodied and handcuffed, of Gaon leaving forever.
Yohan looks down at the scar on his hand and a small smile crosses his face. One year of doubts and pain in exchange of three years and counting of a life Yohan never thought he could have.
He remembers the day Gaon stepped in the house that would become his home here in Switzerland, his bright smile and the hope in his eyes. Yohan had promised himself then that no matter what, he would fight to keep that smile and he would nurture that hope to a full bloom.
It has not been easy, not even close, there were fights, small ones and the ones in which Yohan had come to think they would not be able to recover again. Therapy sessions three times a week for a year, reduced only to two times a month: an individual one and one for the both of them, to erase any misconception about their relationship they could still have.
They are doing fine now, no more secrets, no more manipulation; they are not by any means perfect, but they're getting there.
All of that. All that suffering, all that pain, all that heartache had been the means to the end that would bring Yohan to this very moment; to the surrealism of him pushing a cart through the dairy aisle at their local supermarket.
It has become a Saturday evening routine, something for the three of them to do together. Who would've thought that filling a cart with groceries could be this relaxing.
Tonight though, it's just him and Gaon. Elijah ditched them in favor of going out with his friends, poking Yohan's still overboard protectiveness, but saved by Gaon's more rational thinking: there's nothing to be afraid of, not anymore. And a part of Yohan is relieved of not having to go through the weekly argument of how five bags of chips of every available flavor in the store are not a necessity; an argument he ends up losing, all the damn time.
Yohan holds in his phone this very useful app with the grocery list, he can check out boxes to make sure they don't forget anything and even scan the barcodes to calculate an approximation of how much they will be paying. Genius.
Gaon has gone ahead, as he always does, to raid the Asian section for condiments, instant noodles and all the stuff he uses to make their favorite Korean dishes. Sometimes he doesn't find half of what he needs, but he still refuses Yohan everytime he suggests just ordering everything online straight from Korea, claiming that it's never the same not being able to see the items himself, touch them, feel them and get acquainted with them. Whatever that means.
Yohan doesn't mind going Korean food deprived for a few weeks, everything Gaon cooks is terribly delicious and satisfying. But Elijah does and a cranky Elijah only means hell for Yohan and maybe, silent treatment for Gaon for a day or two.
He's dumping in the cart Elijah's favorite almond milk and the low fat one Gaon assures him is good for his health. The You have to consider your age , implied in that sweet smile and little peck he gets on the lips to shut the raising argument out of Yohan's mouth down.
Yohan is a sucker for anything regarding Kim Gaon, so there's that.
He reaches the end of the dairy aisle unscathed, checking on the app what's next on the list. Yohan stops before turning to the other side, eyes catching sight of a familiar soft blue cardigan: Gaon is there, standing by the frozen meats area and he's… not alone.
Yohan swallows the sudden lump in his throat, he's no stranger to Gaon being flirted with from time to time, mesmerizing people with his foreign beauty, as they say. But it's always a once-over, a shy smile and little actions that Yohan can disregard the moment Gaon holds his hand and smiles at him. No one has ever dared to actually approach him, whenever they are together at least and Gaon insists that it has a lot to do with the fact that Yohan is a very, very intimidating man.
But Gaon wandering around by himself, at a supermarket, looking soft and cute and approachable as he has been ever since the first time Yohan met him, it's easy. Way, way too easy.
The woman, probably around Gaon's age, is gorgeous. She seems familiar, Yohan thinks he's seen her around here at the supermarket before, which means she has to live nearby, which causes red flags to stand up and high in Yohan's head. She's a little taller than Gaon himself, black wavy hair tied up into a messy, but stylish ponytail; she looks comfortable in her gym outfit, smiling brightly at a clueless Gaon, who smiles back and doesn't recoil when her hand lands on his upper arm and she squeezes. Yohan wheezes like a broken squeaky toy and his whole body tenses.
Yohan is hyper aware of Gaon's magnetism, but one thing is to hear funny stories about people being brave enough to talk to him on the streets during dinner and another completely different one to witness it first-hand. Yohan knows he's not getting any younger: soon, wrinkles will start to be visible on his face and the rest of his body; his hair will start to gray out and every attraction Gaon could still possibly have towards him, will die as well. It's just a matter of time.
He hates these types of insecurities. He's talked them through with his therapist several times, but it's hard to pass them over when there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. He's getting old, Gaon is starting to truly enjoy his life and it won't be long before he realizes he can do better than Yohan and his old ass.
But there's still some sense of pride. Something he still keeps inside him, in a glass box locked with a broken padlock; something from the old Yohan he's not ready to let go of yet: possessiveness. No one touches what is his.
An evil smirk curls on his lips as he makes his way closer to where Gaon is and pretending he hasn't noticed the woman there, he speaks, louder than intended but with a purpose.
"Gaon, love." Yohan is aware that every person's eyes nearby are on him, but he can't bring himself to care. "We're out of lube and condomsㅡ oh!" He feigns surprised when his eyes land on the woman and her shocked face. He glances at Gaon, who has his eyes narrowed at him; Yohan chuckles internally, of course he would know what's going on. "I'm sorry, hi."
"He-hello." The woman stutters, but she smiles nonetheless, shyly waving her hand at him. She has a pretty smile.
"I know." Gaon speaks and it's Yohan's turn to look at him, blinking. "Got them right here." He pats the two bottles of lube and the box of condoms that he had been hiding below a bag of frozen carrots and it's Yohan's moment to blush, heat creeping up from the base of his neck to the tip of his ears.
Everyone is so obviously watching now and the smile on Gaon's face is just as evil as Yohan's intentions had been minutes before.
Hell, they don't even use condoms anymore. Not all the time though, only when they're being too lazy to clean up after, but he should have known Gaon keeps track of everything in the house: from their items of personal use, to when the cars need to be refilled with fuel.
"Right. Good." Yohan clears his throat, taking a step back behind the handle of the cart. He's embarrassed, no need to hide it.
"Anyway, thank you, Vanessa. I'll talk it out with Elijah and I'll let you know."
Yohan perks up at the name of his niece being mentioned and he frowns.
Vanessa smiles again at Gaon, then a little more restrained at Yohan before saying her goodbyes and disappearing into the pharmacy section.
"What… was that?" Gaon's eyes are wide and he's clearly judging Yohan for his behavior, but right now, there's only one thing in his mind.
"Were you talking about Elijah?" He asks, unable to hide the discomfort on his face.
Gaon lets out a small, imperceptible sigh and nods. "Vanessa used to be one of Elijah's therapists, remember?"
Well, no, Yohan doesn't really remember , but it makes sense now, the familiarity of her face.
"Oh, yeah." He lies.
"No, you don't." Gaon scoffs, but doesn't chastise him about it. "Anyway, she and her husband just opened a gym nearby, specialized for people who are or were going through physical therapy. Elijah needs constant exercise, not only her monthly sessions." On that, Yohan agrees. "She said that if we want to, she can talk us through what they do with more details and Elijah present. She really likes Elijah, you know?"
"So, um… was it just that?" Yohan asks, clearing his throat and looking away.
"Of course, what elseㅡ" and then it clicks in Gaon's head, "oh… Yohan…"
"Let's go home, yeah?" He rushes ahead, pushing ahead the cart and leaving behind a very fondly amused Gaon.
Comfortably silences during car rides are not unusual for them, Gaon feels at peace with the sound of the radio playing in the background and Yohan's fingers interlocked with his. It's been a while, since all that white noise inside his head has subsided and all thoughts of inadequacy had vanished.
But today, Yohan is not touching him and Gaon knows him enough to know he's still embarrassed about the stunt he pulled at the supermarket. It had been awkward, but funny and a bit cute, Gaon is not going to lie. A jealous Yohan now feels more like a child throwing a tantrum and Gaon prefers him a million times over the obsessive, dangerous mood he used to drown himself in even when they weren't together. Even when Gaon hadn't acknowledged his feelings back then.
At home, they put the groceries away in equal silence. Elijah won't be coming back until later tonight, so she won't be barging in the kitchen demanding to know what's for dinner after leaving them with all the supermarket bags on their own.
It isn't until the last item is stored that Yohan speaks. He leans his hip against the counter, supporting his hands on the edge of it just to give himself some leverage and clears his throat to draw Gaon's attention. The younger leaves the pot on the stove and turns to him with his lips curling into a tiny smile.
"About earlier… I'm sorry." Yohan's eyes flickers from Gaon to the floor and back to him. "I was jealous." He admits. It's easier now, to talk things through without exploding into a mess of shouts and physical altercations.
Gaon nods, taking a step closer to him and placing his hand over Yohan's. "Did I give you a reason to be jealous?" He asks. This is something they've learnt in therapy, ask the right questions before diving deeper into an argument.
"No." Yohan shakes his head. Be honest about your reasons. Be true to your feelings . "It was all on me."
"Okay. Why?" Gaon's hand moves up to push Yohan's fringe out the way of his eyes. He needs a haircut.
Yohan sighs. "She was beautiful and young and seemed so bright and friendly. That old part of me that wanted to keep you locked down so no one could touch you resurfaced for a moment. I'm sorry. It wasn't rude only to you, to her too and the people around us."
Gaon nods. "Thank you, for apologizing. Should we talk about it more in joint therapy?"
"Yeah." Yohan breathes out. "That would be good."
"Good." Gaon smiles and leans in for a quick peck. "I love you. You know that, right?"
"I do, yes." Yohan feels a little breathless, like he always does whenever he has Gaon cramming into his personal space like this. His heart goes crazy in his chest still and his clammy hands itch to touch all of him at once. But he settles to place his hands on Gaon's hip to pull him closer. "I love you, too."
Gaon kisses him again, longer this time and sweeter too, with his own hands cradling Yohan's neck tenderly.
"Let's get started on dinner. A movie after?"
Yohan nods in silence and moves to the other side where Gaon has settled the cutting board and knife and all the vegetables they will need for a simple beef stew. As always, chopping it's Yohan's duty, since Gaon still has a hard time trusting him with expensive cuts of meat. The seasoning never comes out quite right whenever Yohan gets his hands on one.
Yohan thinks, as his knife slices through thin layers of onion, that they might never really reach perfection. But who needs that when he gets to do this every night with the person he has given his heart to.
Gaon glances at him then, and smiles, eyes hiding behind those adorable whisker-like lines and Yohan's heart stutters. He would give up everything to never see that smile disappear ever again. Everything.