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Remus was walking hastily, quickly approaching the spot. She was there. He couldn’t see much without his glasses – those he didn’t put on deliberately, he called it the “world detox” – but the splash of pink has become very visible as they reached the end of autumn in the usual twilight dust. He exhaled – he didn’t realize he was holding his breath for so long – and shortened his step.
He saw her hand raised in the air - he knew her fingers were moving slightly in her usual “salute”.
She was here.
***
His usual spot wasn’t empty this time – Remus wasn’t surprised. He knew she’d be there. He knew it from the moment he caught her eyes on him in the Dining Hall. He knew – her joining him was only a matter of time. His place was just for people like them – broken but trying to keep it together for the sake of everyone.
“Took her 4 days to figure it out. She’s even better than I thought”, Remus smirked.
He was late, as always on Thursdays – stupid perfect meeting always ran overtime. (Remus has always wondered, how people manage to live with such little sense of time.)
It was good that it ended before he lost it. No one would enjoy that.
It was weird seeing his “secret spot” occupied. He had enough authority to spook away any unwanted visitors, and professors knew him well enough to not interfere. It was best for everyone. Too much was relying on Remus’s mental state. It was in others’ best interest to do everything that’s possible to keep it stable.
He still wasn’t sure why he let her into his little world, but it seemed like a good idea for now. He didn’t mind – and that meant a lot. Something in this girl made him trust her – for goddamn knows what reasons, but Remus hoped he won’t regret it. He put a lot at risk letting her close, but he had a feeling they are very similar. How Remus got it from their rare glances across the dining table he had no fucking idea.
Remus was close to his destination. The girl looked peaceful in the rays of warm September sun. She wasn’t alert – probably, got distracted as Remus was late. Remus even hesitated for a second, before dropping his bag and himself onto the grass a bit to the side of her. A little healthy distance was needed. She flinched, turning her head like an eagle looking for its pray, with her eyes sharply gliding over Remus. Her features softened a little as she recognized him.
“I thought you weren’t coming today”, she said.
“Prefect meeting”, he answered. “As always on Thursdays, if you must know”.
Girl smirked, glancing at Remus a bit sideways.
“I must. Would make my job a little easier. I’m Kathrine”, - Remus saw her thin arm reaching out. “Katie for friends. For you.”
Remus put his hand in hers, returning the handshake – her wrist seemed so fragile, Remus sometimes thought he could easily snap it in too.
The girl – Katie – looked fragile overall. All of her. Remus would start wondering, if she even eats, but no need for that – thanks to Hogwarts and its founders for the tradition of common meals.
“Remus Lupin.”
“I know”, - she smiled with the corners of her mouth proudly. “Sat next to you and your little gang in the Dining Hall”.
“Little gang is not something they were ever called before, I must admit”, - Remus smiled. Everything seemed peaceful.
The girl smiled back, tilting her head.
“Why aren’t they here, by the way? You seem inseparable. Like fucking lovebirds.” She chuckled, laughing at her own joke – adorable.
“They are… loud. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends. But they get too much sometimes. This place is for me to get some rest.”
“Noticed that. Sitting next to them while eating has been, ehm, pretty irritating. Don’t do well with any loud, unexpected noises.”
“Let me guess. ADHD?” Remus knew this one like no other.
“Bingo.” She made eye contact for the first time. “Plus, a bunch of other abbreviation shit. Can sing an alphabet song with them.”
“Same. My last therapist said I could be a great practice patient for rookies. Not sure whether I should take it as a compliment.”
“You should. Mine said she is not sure how I have lived for that long without therapy. At least we’re unique in a way.” – she said patting his shoulder, like you’d do to cheer someone up.
Remus laughed heartily – for some reason, their little interaction has made him incredibly happy.
“I guess you could say that.” Remus turned away, looking at the sun slowly coming down.
Nothing else was said for ages, but Remus had felt at peace for the first time in a while.
***
“So,” she cleared her throat, causing Remus to look up from his book. “What is your trauma?”
She was sitting leaned against the big oak tree. A half-empty pack of Marlboro was lying around on the grass. Her pose was way more relaxed – Remus wasn’t sure if it was because she felt more comfortable today, or because she was smoking her second cigarette already.
Remus closed the book, putting it aside, and turned to her, his legs crossed, and his elbows placed on his knees.
He leaned his chin against his crossed fingers. “What makes you think I have one?”
The girl exhaled the cloud of smoke in the air and looked up, tilting her head – Remus has figured it was her typical thinking pose, - and made eye contact with Remus few moments later.
“Everyone has something,” she took a drag. “Even – or especially - the kindest and most wholesome person. Never believed anyone can be truly that pure. So?” She raised her eyebrows, expecting an answer.
“What’s yours then?”
“You’re changing the topic. What makes you think I have one?” She looked at him, raising her eyebrows. Remus even believed her there for a second. “I’m joking. I know it’s kinda obvious. I dress like someone’s rebellious teenage daughter.” She traced her outfit with her hands. “Not that I am not, but you know what I mean.”
“Toxic family then?” Remus wondered.
“Mhm. Plus, a toxic relationship, toxic friend group. Mix it all together and sprinkle some gifted kid burnout – voila, you get me.” The girl looked at Remus for a couple of seconds before pulling her head against the tree behind her and closing her eyes.”
“Hm,” it was the best answer Remus could come up with. He went quiet for a couple of minutes before continuing. “Thank you for sharing. I am very hon- “
The girl – her eyes were still close – put her finger up to her lips. Remus took the hint.
They have spent the rest of the time in silence, staring at the twilight dust shining in the air.
***
Katherine raised her eyebrows in disbelief, staring at Remus as he was standing there with his head cut off.
“It’s weed,” she stated in a tone you would use to explain basic shit to a mentally delayed toddler.
“No shit”.
“And it’s a Monday.”
“Great way to celebrate the end of this terror, innit?” Remus replied, fishing a lighter out of his pocket. He took a drag, passing a joint immediately to the girl.
She took it to her mouth without hesitation. “True. It has been a fucking day.”
“I could tell. History of Magic sucks?” Remus chuckled.
“A big fat cock, yeah. Just how I like them.”
“So do I,” came out faster, than Remus could stop himself.
He got nervous there for a split second. He could tell the girl’s attention was caught – he rarely saw her turn her head that quickly. Remus could swear he could hear her vertebrae crack – she wasn’t exactly a person who rushed, or even moved, a lot, not even mentioning fast.
“Interesting way to come out.”
“It is indeed,” Remus noted.
The girl grinned. “Good to know my gaydar isn’t broken. Who else knows?”
“No one.” Remus wasn’t exactly too open about this part of his life, even though he was giving hints, but Prongs was too busy with Evans to notice, Wormtail lacked some emotional intelligence for that, and Sirius was just Sirius and Remus stopped having any expectations years ago.
“Oh,” Remus could hear she was surprised. “Well,” she said theatrically, putting her palm on her chest. “I’m very honoured and I swear I will take this secret to my grave.”
She finished her little performance off by throwing herself dramatically on the ground – good thing they were sitting already, and she didn’t fall very far.
“I can’t get up now,” she mumbled.
Remus laughed – he couldn’t help but notice how relaxed she was today – and offered her a hand.
***
“You know what would be cool right now?” She finally spoke after staring at the sky for a while. It was a Friday, and they were smoking – again – to celebrate the end of the week.
They both were laying down – her initiative, but Remus really didn’t mind (the pot nicked from Sirius’s nightstand was hitting stronger today).
“McDonalds?” Remus turned on his side, facing her.
“And how do you know?” The girl looked genuinely confused – he could even see her pouting a little, as if he had ruined it for her by giving an answer.
“Cuz McDonalds is like one of the best things you can have while high. Every muggle knows” Remus couldn’t hold back a chuckle – she looked adorable. Remus could read her like an open book when she was high – all of her emotions were immediately shown on her face.
“I thought I was just weird. Good to know it’s a universal thing.”
Remus got up on his elbow – just to see her laying there peacefully with her eyes closed, smiling.
It was the first time he saw her real smile.
***
Remus knew right off – something was wrong. He saw her fidgeting with a Marlboro pack nervously from a distance. Remus have never seen her nervous - with him she always moved slowly, as it took her a great deal of energy to move, or as the air was a jello intead.
She seemed pretty anxious.
Remus – honestly – didn’t know, if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
“What’s up?” he asked quietly putting himself down next to her.
She flinched, finally taking her eyes off the damn Marlboro.
“You’re here.” She seemed relieved.
“Yeah, as always,” replied Remus.
“Yeah, I know, sorry – I am being a little weird today.” She put the pack away but kept fidgeting with her own fingers – her hands felt restless. Remus got a feeling he knows what is going on.
“Anyways, what’s going on?”
The girl looked confused and embarrassed – Remus has never seen so many emotions on her face at once.
“I, ehm,” she cleared her throat. “I am feeling my feelings again.”
The way she said it – so innocently thinking it was a big deal of a problem – made Remus chuckle.
She looked up when she heard it – her big doe eyes looked inappropriately cute
“And why exactly is that a problem?” Remus asked softly.
“Well, ehm, I don’t really know how to deal with them,” she answered looking down at her hands. “It’s making me anxious. I hate being anxious.”
Remus could not hold back a smile. She was healing.
“Why are you smiling?”
Remus didn’t answer – he couldn’t bother – and wrapped his hand around her shoulder, making her head drop onto his shoulder.
“Because you are getting better.”
They have talked – a lot this time – and did not notice when it got pitch black.
“It seems like it’s time to go,” said Remus, getting up.
“Why do I have a feeling it was not a good idea to stay here for so long?” the girl whined.
“Because it probably wasn’t, but what can we do.” Remus started walking to the castle when he heard the girl calling his name quietly. He turned around just to find her standing in the exact same spot.
“I… could I hold your hand please?”
Remus smiled – he was smiling a lot today. This girl was truly incredible.
***
It was either that she got abducted by aliens and it’s not even her anymore but her lively mentally stable clone or the time they spent together yesterday truly made a difference (“Or she took some drugs this morning”, Remus thought), but she seemed to be way more lively, active – even agitated in a way – today.
Since that day, a lot seemed to change. The girl has truly taken on a different (or just hidden before?) personality. She started conversations, she talked so passionately sometimes that people started getting amazed about how much information she was actually holding in the brain of hers, she has aced all the tests and the professors could not have been happier. She was very much like a typical golden, gifted child, and her ruminative, pensive personality appeared to be gone.
And while Remus was happy, though bewildered, at first, something started to be very bothersome about this whole situation. He could not say he knew Katherine well – but something in her behaviour seemed to be very off. Such a quick switched made him feel as she was pushing her new “personality” onto her, almost emphatically.
“You are just being too fixated on that. Let her be happy and have a good time”, Remus thought. He decided not to act just yet.
It is worth mentioning – it was a mistake.
***
Remus walked into the Great Hall one morning – just to realise her usual spot was empty.
“She never misses breakfast”, he thought, his heart dropping as the realization came.
The look of her pink hair covered in splashes of red seemed to be stuck with Remus forever.
***
His – their - spot was empty again. Remus was dragging himself there – almost forcedly – hoping it would bring him some peace.
Spoiler alert – it didn’t.
Sitting there alone for the first time in those couple of months felt like torture.
The weather today was good. Seeing the lake so calm on such a day was almost infuriating. As if the weather was playing some sort of cruel joke on Remus. He was sitting surrounded by total silence – but his thoughts were loud enough.
His word, little on its own, seemed even smaller today. It kept shrinking, until Remus felt almost trapped, and eventually broke, like a dainty glass ball dropped on a floor.
The pain he felt was harrowing.
“It must have hurt for her too,” he thought.
Remus got up – he felt almost physically battered – and left, without looking back. He wasn’t sure he would come here ever again.
***
Remus was walking hastily, quickly approaching the spot. She was there. He couldn’t see much without his glasses - but the splash of pink has become very visible as they reached the end of autumn in the usual twilight dust. He exhaled with relief – he didn’t realize he was holding his breath for so long – and shortened his step.
He saw her bandaged hand raised in the air - he knew her fingers were moving slightly in her usual “salute”.
She was here and nothing could bring him more peace this November afternoon.