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When Aizawa came home from the hospital, things were obviously different. For both of them.
After being in in-patient care for so long, the Eraser hero was simply happy to be back in the comfort of his own home. Even if every day things were a little bit more difficult to manage. He couldn't quite get used to the adjusted depth perception that comes with only seeing out of one eye. He was constantly clipping corners of walls and furniture edges. Simple things, like answering the phone, getting dressed, even drinking a cup of coffee, had turned into chores. They were constant reminders of his newly acquired scars.
That's not even to include the leg. When losing the limb, he hadn't thought of anything past surviving. He hadn't considered the recovery process, and he certainly hadn't anticipated the impact it would have on his every action.
Sometimes he forgets.
He wakes up, finally in his husband's arms, in his own bed, and feels normal. He feels warm. His eyes adjust to the sunlight and he takes in Hizashi's restful features. His golden hair glowing in the orange early morning rays. Aizawa makes to slowly slip out of bed, wanting to get coffee going and let his husband sleep in for once.
Then, as he goes to stand out of bed, like a record scratch, he drops to the floor, leg no longer there to support him. It startles Hizashi awake who immediately goes to help him up and Shouta laments the lost moment.
He moves around the house on a crutch. He's got a prosthetic but it's not quite fitted to him right. It pinches and pokes at him uncomfortably and just reminds him even more of his missing parts than if he'd just left it off.
The Eraser hero also hadn't been prepared for the pain. He's heard of phantom limb pain, shit, he's had chronic pain issues basically his whole life, what's one more thing tacked on. But the way it takes his breath away in the worst type of way makes it even harder to get up and do his physical therapy. His whole leg feels like it's cramped up all the way down to his toes even though they're no longer there. It pisses him off! How can it hurt so bad if there's nothing there to hurt?
It's exhausting.
He can't go back to work, can't train, can barely do anything for himself.
Hizashi's different too. Not in an obvious way. In a way only Shouta would see. His bags are darker. His hands flit about anxiously whenever Aizawa's even in the same room. There's a subtle pinch to his brow that wasn't always there before.
It worries Shouta. His husband is so selfless and kind. Endless in the little ways he reminds the other of their love. How much he cares. But lately it feels… Hesitant? Forced?
Aizawa can't put his finger on it but it creeps into his brain nonetheless. In turn, he tries even harder to do things more on his own. Maybe he's overwhelming Hizashi, needing so much assistance and attention. Maybe Hizashi needs a break. Aizawa shoves down the feeling of being a burden.
He tries to recover as quickly as possible. He tries to do things around the house. Tries to sneak extra physical therapy. Tries his best when helping interrogate Kurogiri. Anything to help smooth that worried look off his husband's face.
That's another thing. Trying to talk to Shirakumo? Kurogiri? Talk him into sharing anything is… draining to say the least. Every week, Hizashi drives him to that government building and every week he feels overwhelmed with anticipation and panic. Tries not to toil away analysing his past. Unboxing trauma he never thought he'd have to look at again. Trying to squash the hope of his friend returning to them.
He isn't sure what Hizashi's feeling about it. They don't talk about it. That's Shouta's fault. He's never been willing to budge on discussing Shirakumo. It's hard enough having to look those feelings in the face once a week in front of a whole troop of government lackeys.
Shouta feels wound tight. Feels frustrated and hopeless and like he's an inconvenience in his own home; an inconvenience to himself. He feels useless. Simple things become difficult. Like he's just waiting and waiting and waiting for things to go back to normal when he knows that can never be the case.
Things are tense to say the least.
They stay tense. Aizawa trying to force more onto his full plate, trying to force everything back to normal. Hizashi's eyes are only getting harder and harder to meet. They hold something other than the affection that used to live there. There's something in them that Shouta doesn't want to face. Wants it to go away because knowing that something is wrong just makes his worst fears feel like they're not as unlikely as he's been told. Like Hizashi will finally realize it's time to leave him. It makes him feel cold.
They're talking less. Barely any small talk. Both their hands shake. It's noticeable. Aizawa knows they both need to say something. Anything. Something to ebb away the rising tension between them.
It's like they're a bomb, and the detonator is in suspension between them, waiting, while they continue to dance around it.
It finally goes off when they come home from their most recent visit to Kurogiri.
The drive home is completely silent. They change in separate rooms and the distance between them feels miles wide. Shouta puts on his warmest, comfiest clothes. Tries not to feel so distant. Tries not to let the chill seep into his bones.
Then the bedroom door clicks open, quietly. Hizashi pokes his head in and doesn't meet Shouta's eyes, that worried pinch still cutting through his expression,
"Sho. Can we talk? "
Shouta suddenly feels like he's breathing gravel. Like he's being buried alive and his only hope of escape is being ripped away from him. He tries to hold his composure, but his voice wobbles anyway.
"Yeah, of course."
He tries to hug himself in a not so obvious way because Hizashi just looks more upset and he's still standing so far away. He feels so cold and his teeth chatter with anxiety.
Hizashi makes himself comfortable on the bed, leaving enough space for Shouta to sit too but he doesn't move. Shouta watches his husband sigh and then consider his words. He's so silent. Aizawa feels like something is squeezing his heart.
Aizawa has picked his sleeves into a frayed mess by the time his husband finally begins to speak.
"Sho… I feel like- I think." He huffs in frustration and pauses again.
"Just say it, Hizashi." Shouta prompts quietly.
A pained look crosses the blonds face but he sits up a little straighter, like he's trying to force some confidence. "Sho. What's gonna happen if we bring Shirakumo back? "
Aizawa's brain buffers. That doesn't feel like what Hizashi had been wanting to talk about. He can't help the frustrated bite to his voice, "What does that even mean? "
"Don't you feel like, if Shirakumo comes back it'll change some things? " and Hizashi looks scared.
Aizawa moves closer to sit him but turns his body to make sure he's facing the other man, "Well, yeah. Of course things will be different Zashi. We're all different now. It's not like we're teenagers still."
"That's not what I mean, " Hizashi huffs in frustration. Shouta reaches for his hand and it's like a relief to both of them. Hizashi meets his husband's eyes and they look sad. His voice is so soft, "I mean, what if… What if when he's back, you realize you love him more than me."
"What? " It's the only response Shouta can think of because, why would he think that?
The blond fiddles with the other man's fingers nervously, "It's just, you've been working so hard to bring him back and I mean, I want him back too but I guess it just feels like you're pulling away lately? And we've been together since high school, y'know? What if you had better options? Or, I don't know. I don't know, forget it."
"Zashi, " Aizawa begins softly, and he pushes himself against the other, climbing into his lap before the voice hero can close in on himself, "I love you. I married you. I love you more than I ever thought I would ever love anyone. Of course I love Shirakumo and having him as a part of our lives again would be amazing but I don't want him the way I want you. I loved you even when he was still around, hell, since we met in the sports festival. "
Hizashi lets out a wet chuckle as he wraps his husband up in a tight hug. "I'm sorry, baby, I don't know why I said that. It's dumb."
"It's not dumb, Zashi. I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I didn't mean to." Shouta's voice starts to break but he's got to power through. If Hizashi is brave enough to start this conversation he should be honest about his feelings too even if he feels like the edges of his sweater, raw and frayed and exposed. "Really, I was pulling away cuz I thought.. I thought I was becoming a burden. I thought you didn't love ME anymore and you just didn't want to say anything."
He feels Hizashi's whole body tense up and the blond forces his face up to meet his eyes again, "Sho, why would you ever think that?! "
"I'm just- I'm mean and selfish and now I can't even do things for myself and I'm not the same, I'm not everything you loved about me before, I'm missing pieces and I feel… I feel ugly. And I can see how worried you are all the time. How much I'm always putting you through, so I was trying to make it better. Make you less worried. " tears threatened to spill out of his uncovered eye as he spoke and really Aizawa hates talking about his feelings. He hates telling Hizashi these things but can't help but push his head against the hand that comes up to push his hair out of his face.
Hizashi presses a soft kiss to his husband's lips before speaking, "Baby, you are NEVER a burden. I love every second I can spend with you."
He presses another kiss on his forehead and Shouta starts to feel those anxious jitters fade, "I especially love doing things for you because I know how hard you work and how much you deal with."
As he talks, Hizashi runs his hands along his husband's sides, his arms, soft touches as if reminding him that he's there. It starts chasing away the chill that had consumed him in the previous days, "Maybe you are kind of a dick sometimes but it's only when you need to be." Another kiss is placed on both his cheeks and he can't help the soft smile forming on his lips.
Hizashi's voice is warm and full of affection, "You are the most selfless person I've ever met. Both your jobs are dedicated to helping people. You'll give up your health, your sleep, your body parts,"a kiss on his brow where his eye patch rests and a gentle squeeze on his thigh just above where his leg stops " -your everything if it means you can help someone. And maybe that does scare the shit out of me. Because I love you, I don't want to see you go through so much pain, I don't want to lose you. But your hero complex is one of the reasons I fell in love with you and I would never ask you to change that."
"You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen and you get even more so every year that passes. Every new scar, every grey hair is just more time, one more year that I got to spend loving you, Sho. Your leg and your eye are just one more thing to admire."
Hizashi kisses Shouta again, soft and slow and when he pulls away the brunette has wet cheeks and red eyes. "I'm sorry, Zashi" he croaks and then he's pushing his face into his husband's neck and forcing them both down onto the bed. "You shouldn't have to tell me that stuff after so long. "
"I'm sorry too, Sho," The blond replies as he cards his fingers through dark curls, "I should've talked to you about this sooner instead of letting my anxiety get the best of me. "
Aizawa just hugs his husband tighter. He still feels off in a lot of ways, coiled too tight sometimes, incomplete other times. He's scared of what could be in store. But here, he feels a little better. Warm and loved and like maybe it's okay to be a little broken and worn out. Because Hizashi will love him anyways.
"I love you." He mumbles into the blond's shoulder and he can feel the rumble of his husband's response against his cheek, "I love you too, Baby"