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CARINA’S POV
"She talked to you! She came into the house and communicated the feelings she was feeling at that moment, she spoke to you! She shared them with you!"
That's what I kept repeating to myself inside my head as I paced back and forth inside the room trying to calm the anguish that was spreading in my chest at seeing her so shaken. I kept hearing the muffled screams she was letting out against her jacket-or maybe it was now against one of the pillows-and I felt like an idiot for thinking that Maya could be cheered up by me with champagne and sweets. This wasn't just about the promotion, it was about frustration at seeing that another woman hadn't seen the real issue behind her demotion, hadn't seen that men within the corporation can make mistakes without the constant fear of having bars ripped from their collars.
Maya was grieving at that moment, for herself and for all the high expectations she had for the new Chief and I understood enough of grief to know that it was a long process and one that demanded comfort and understanding.
The screaming ceased, I quickly approached the door and let my ears perk up, but nothing was heard coming from the living room. I opened the door and stuck my head out to see Maya sitting on the floor in front of the couch, her back hunched, her knees bent, and her jacket remaining pressed against her face as her shoulders swayed back and forth denouncing her crying. My eyes filled with tears immediately and I couldn't hold my legs back, the steps were taken before my brain could even process anything and I just sat next to Maya, my thigh against hers, my arm against hers, but that was all the contact I provided, just enough contact to let her know I was there.
She didn't need hugs at that moment, she didn't need to worry about babies and donors or think about anything other than the feelings that overflowed from her chest at that instant, so I just cried silently at her side without saying anything at all.
My wife pulled her face away from her jacket - now wet with tears - and let her head hang back, resting it against the couch as the tears continued to well up in her blue eyes. My hands burned and demanded more, they wanted to soothe Maya, to move up and down her arms giving her some physical comfort, but she continued to cry beside me without giving any hint that she needed anything more than for me to remain silent, but beside her.
I ran my hands over my cheeks to wipe away the tears that stained my face and stretched my legs out on the floor. Maya's crying slowly subsided, first decreasing in volume, and then a smaller amount of tears streamed down her face until only sniffles remained.
-You're mad at me, aren't you? - She spoke softly. - You did all this and I just... I'm just being a big...
-A big what, Maya? A big human? - I asked back in a whisper, without turning to face her. - You'll never see me mad at you for being honest with me about your feelings.
-I wish I could be tougher. - She confessed beside me.
-I don’t. - I shrugged. - You were tougher once, and it didn't end well. You were tougher and suffered more because all those reactions you just had and wanted to have so many times in the past, were bottled up inside you, hurting you more.
-I wish I could disagree with you, but I can't. - She laughed softly between sniffles.
-You married a very wise woman. - I joked.
-I really did. - I felt one of her hands on my thigh. - This is hurting so much. I feel as if it' s not worth having hope in this world, as if waiting for things to turn out well and get better only turns the bad news into the worst news in the world.
-You can't give up hope. - I put my hand over hers, stroking the back of it with my thumb a few times. - And I really wish you could earn your promotion back now so that you would be even safer for me and our baby, but Maya, I am sure, absolutely sure, that you will be captain again one day and I say this because I know your dedication and hard work. I know your good heart and all the good things you can do as captain. Ross will see that sooner or later.
-Thank you for saying that. - She laid her head on my shoulder.
-It's the truth, bambina. - I turned my face away and planted a kiss on her head.
-I'm exhausted, crying makes me exhausted, all these feelings make me exhausted. - She murmured and I gently squeezed her hand.
-Let's get you out of these clothes so you can get some rest. - I whispered.
After a few more seconds, Maya pulled away from my shoulder and I stood up, reached out my hand and helped her up as well.
We walked together towards our bedroom, I led her to the front of the bed and helped her get rid of the clothes that were still on her body, I opened her bra and pulled down her panties, leaving Maya completely naked before facing her again and pulling my own clothes off her body. The blonde looked at me curiously, but said nothing, just watched my movements as I undressed and when I reached out to take her to the bed, she was quick to interlace her fingers in mine.
-Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon? - I asked as we got under the covers.
-The little one. - She spoke softly and turned on her side, her back to me, and I slid closer to her body, pressing my front against her back before slipping an arm under her neck, flexing it around her shoulders and moving my free hand to her abdomen, pressing it lightly to make our bodies fit as tightly as possible. - Oxytocin to make me feel better?
-You really listen while I'm rambling about the benefits of hormones in pain control, don't you? - I kissed her shoulder gently. - But oxytocin really does provide some comfort.
-I know, I feel better already. - She let out a low chuckle. - Being with you makes me feel better, and I'm sorry I ruined your surprise.
-You didn't ruin anything, Maya! You need to stop thinking that you can't allow yourself to feel bad or that you'll get in people's way by feeling your feelings. - I murmured against the skin of her shoulder as I kissed her. - I love you, I love you even more when I see you through and through, when I see you getting better and evolving as a person. I know you don't want to think about this right now, but our baby will be so lucky to have you as a role model, as someone to look up to and have as a hero because you, Maya, you are an amazing person.
-Too soft. You're going to make me cry again. - She sniffled.
-I'm sorry. - I rubbed the hand that was on her abdomen up and down.
Maya sniffled a few times, wriggled in front of me, and started to cry again, and I let her; letting out all her frustrations and anger through her tears was one of the healthiest things she had ever done to deal with her feelings. That didn't mean that my heart didn't break with every sob, with every tear that ran down and wet the arm that hugged her shoulders, and my own throat burned again, demanding that I cry once more, but I held on, just squeezing her against my body and kissing the curve of her shoulder repeatedly, sometimes rubbing my nose along the curve of her ear and kissing her neck lightly.
-I hate her. I hate her for letting me down, and I know it's my fault for building up expectations, but I just hate her. - She sobbed out the words and I nodded.
-I know. - I whispered.
-Ugh! I hate feeling all these feelings. - She grunted and turned around on the bed, I pulled away to give her space and Maya stood facing me before grabbing my back and pulling me close. - I don't want to feel this anymore.
-If I could, I would take all these bad feelings upon myself, I would feel every single one of your pains so that you wouldn't feel this way, bambina! - I squeezed her against my embrace and pressed my cheek against the top of her head. - I know it hurts, but it will get better. I promise.
I felt her nod against my chest and kissed her head before returning to my previous position. Slowly her crying stopped again, she stirred in my arms and I let her find a comfortable position again, now lying on her back and staring up at the ceiling without saying a word.
-What do you need? - I asked softly, placing my palm against her abdomen. - Do you need space? I can leave you alone for a while, if that's what you need. I can cook something for you, or...
-You. - She just spoke.
-I'm here, bambina. - I stroked her belly tenderly.
-I need more. - I smiled at Maya and hugged her body from the side. - Not like this, can you... Can you kiss me?
-Of course, amore. - I moved my hand from her stomach to her face and stroked her cheek, rubbing my thumb back and forth across her cheekbone. - Feeling better?
-Not yet. - Maya didn't let there be any distance between the two of us for long, and she brought her mouth back to mine in a much more demanding kiss. Her lips captured mine in hurried, desperate kisses, and I felt that some of her frustration was being vented in that moment.
Inside me a mixture of feelings clouded my thoughts, I didn't know where the line was between dealing with feelings in a healthy way and providing some physical comfort for my wife; I wanted to say she needed to stop and feel her feelings, but she was already doing that, at the same time I wanted her to feel something other than all the pain, disappointment and grief. So I gave in.
I kissed her back intensely, let her take the reins of that moment, and when she rolled my body to stand over me, I let her press me against the bed without putting up a fight. Her mouth moved down to my neck, her body undulating over mine as she positioned herself more comfortably between my legs.
-Maya... - I held both sides of her face, making her stop and look into my eyes. - Let me take care of you, my love. I know you're feeling too much, so let me clear your mind for a few seconds, can I do that?
-Yes, please. - She nodded softly, her voice coming out so weak it broke my heart. She was fragile and she needed me.
-Lay down on the bed. - I asked, and she rolled onto her side, lying down beside me, and it was my turn to gently spread her legs and kneel between them.
I moved my hair back and leaned my body until my face was hovering over hers; I kissed her mouth, brushing my lips against Maya's before letting the tip of my tongue go around them, and she pursed her lips and let me explore her mouth, tasting the flavor that intoxicated me so much. I intensified the kiss, sucking her tongue, nibbling her lips and when she moaned underneath me, I knew she was surrendered.
I moved my kisses down her white neck, brushing my teeth against her skin, but never biting her - this was not the time for hardcore sex, I wanted her to feel good, adored, loved with each of my touches - and when I distributed kisses across her chest Maya sighed heavily, running her fingers through my hair and arching her back against the mattress. I licked each of her areolas, sucked each of her nipples, squeezed and massaged each of her breasts for as long as I felt it necessary, feeling her stirring beneath me.
Her legs spread, her hips jumped out of bed in a silent clamor, she needed to be touched, but I needed to make her feel loved.
-I love you. - Each of the words was spoken between kisses that traced from her chest to her abdomen. My tongue snaked around her curves, her fingers in my hair pulled the strands gently when her body had a stronger reaction to my caresses, and I let her express herself freely. - You're wonderful and I'm so proud of you, Maya! I am proud to be your wife, to call you mine, to be able to share my life with you.
I looked up and saw that she was watching my movements intently, her blue eyes now so bright from the moisture that had accumulated in them, but I didn't stop my kisses against her skin, I let her feel these new feelings - hoping they were good - and continued my adoration of her body. Reaching her hips I moved my tongue from side to side, skirting the line that bounded her pelvis before kissing the top of each of her thighs, spread her legs a little wider, watching her center reflect the morning light coming in through the windows, and swallowed hard before lying down between her legs.
-Don't think about anything, just feel it. - I murmured before sticking my tongue out and licking her folds from the bottom to the top slowly, hearing her loud moan in response and the hands that had once been in my hair now went to the sheet. I repeated the motion, my flat tongue against her center and another moan was given. - Don't hold back, bambina, feel everything, let your body surrender to pleasure.
She nodded quickly and this time my licks were faster and more rhythmic, kissing her center as I kissed her mouth, sucking her labia gently before circling her entrance with the tip of my tongue. I purposely avoided her clit because I wanted to prolong that moment, I wanted her loud moans to echo around the room and be the only thing I heard for a while, no more tears and sobs, I wanted her to feel good.
I penetrated her with my tongue as deeply as I could and the blonde moaned loudly, moving her hips in sync with my thrusts, I squeezed her thighs and pulled her closer. Her flavor could be felt in every corner of my mouth, and I wanted more, I wanted her to give herself to me completely, I wanted to feel her juices running down her entrance. I moved my tongue up and circled her clit.
-Carina! - She moaned, moving her hips abruptly at the contact.
I circled the hardened bud one more time, slowly, before flicking my tongue over its tip a few times knowing it was something that would bring Maya close to her orgasm. I closed my lips around her clit and sucked it into my mouth slowly, there was no strength in my act, I didn't want to stretch her sensitive skin, I wanted her to just feel more pressure as I continued the movements of my tongue.
-I'm gonna cum! - She moaned, holding both sides of my head, contracting her abdomen and keeping her back off the mattress as she held her breath. I sucked her bundle of nerves now purposely harder as I circled it inside my mouth with my tongue and Maya screamed, shuddering, her legs closing against her hands and my head as she came. - Fuck!
She moaned and shuddered, I released her flesh, moved my tongue to her entrance and penetrated her once more, her walls tightened due to the orgasm, but still letting me in so that her climax would last a little longer. I cleaned her entrance, licking her cum, drinking of her essence, before moving away from her center and kissing the inside of her thighs.
Maya relaxed her muscles, lying back on the soft bed, gasping and sweating. Her chest was rising and falling intensely, and her closed eyes along with the silly smile on her face told me that I had succeeded in what I wanted. She was relaxed and not thinking about anything.
I knew it wouldn't last forever, I knew that in a few minutes it would all come back, she would feel sad again and maybe more tears would be shed, but in that very second, she was fine and happy. I had given this to my wife, a point of stability in the midst of the whirlwind of emotions that swept her off her feet. I had given her a little peace.
I lay down beside her, pulled her to me, admired her smile, and rubbed my nose against hers.
-I love you. - She whispered.
-I love you too, bambina! - I whispered back.
She's strong. She'll be okay. Everything will be okay.