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Adrien was exhausted. Monarch had been throwing everything he had at Cat Noir and Ladybug for the last two weeks, barely giving them a chance to breathe let alone sleep or study. As it was, LB had agreed to shift patrols to studying in the suits from a good vantage point so they could watch over the city and still get homework done, but that didn’t cover all the things Adrien’s father felt were necessary for him to be the perfect student.
He couldn’t help but groan as he pulled on his fencing jacket. He wanted nothing more than to curl up like Plagg and sleep in the sunbeam that was pouring onto the bench beside him. “Better yet, curl up in bed and sleep for a week. No, my room isn’t enough. Maybe Marinette would let a stray cat crash on her chaise.” Yeah, that is what he needed. A sunbeam in a cozy place that smelled of fresh bread and one of his favorite people nearby humming softly while she worked.
He sighed longingly at the thought on his way to fencing class when Alya stopped him outside the locker room.
“Hey, Sunshine. Got a sec?”
“Just one, but yeah. What’s going on, Alya?”
The girl gave him a grin that told him something was up and thrust an envelope in his direction. He took it to see his name on the front.
“Its a surprise from Marinette, but don’t open it now. Wait til you get home, okay?”
“Uh, yeah sure, Alya. I’ll just put it in my locker. Is everything okay?”
“Should be once you read that,” she said, tapping the envelope with a pleased look that said someone was out of the loop and Adrien was afraid it was him. “Catch you later. Have fun swashing those buckles!”
He chuckled as she sauntered off, shaking his head at her nonsense. He glanced at the envelope with his name written in a pretty script. Well, he had promised to not look at it until he got home, so he stepped back into the locker room and tucked the letter into his bag next to his sleeping kwami in his empty camembert box.
When he got back to his room, the only thing keeping him upright was the thought of Marinette’s letter. He dumped his sports bag on the bed and dug out the envelope.
“What is that, kid,” Plagg yawned. “A party invitation?”
“No idea. Alya gave it to me after school and said it was from Marinette, but not to open it until I got home.”
“Then open it!”
He cast an irritated glance at his kwami. “It’s my letter. Why are you so curious?”
“Um, cat kwami, remember? Curiosity comes with the whiskers. Besides, I like Pigtails. She smells good and she makes you happy.”
He couldn’t help blushing. “Plagg! She’s-“
“Don’t bother, kid. Just open it.”
He got a letter opener from his desk, slit the envelope carefully, and took the letter out. It was four pages of pink rose stationary that immediately felt like they belonged in Marinette’s room. It made him smile as he read the words she had written.
Adrien,
We’ve been friends for a while now, but there is something you need to know. This isn’t easy for me. In fact, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and, if you knew what that really meant, you would understand what I’m talking about. How am I managing to ramble in writing??? The problem is I’m not sure how to start…
I know your favorite song , did you know? I hear it everyday and I think of you. It and the song we danced to at Chloe’s party have become part of the soundtrack of my day for the last two years.
I’ve struggled to get to know you, but my words always get tangled and lost when I’m around you. I mean, there is all the stuff about you in interviews or magazines, but that isn’t you. Whoever made up those questions didn’t know the real you. How you love video games and, while you are an amazing pianist, you would rather play jazz or ragtime or rock than classical, and you crack outrageous puns when you think no one is listening. Your smile is mostly a picture perfect one. It’s like you made it to get in my way cause it leaves me sad while your true ones leave me weak and fumbling. And every time you laugh you make that little sound like a gasp before it bursts from you like sunshine. I love your laugh, but the fact that it’s so rare hurts, cause it tells me that your life is lonely and hard. It’s just the hardest thing to love you but not know how to fix things for you.
So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid that tonight will be the night that is too much for your gentle heart and something breaks it. You see, I love you, Adrien. You are so special to me, but every time I’ve tried to tell you I mess it up somehow. Maybe I’m just afraid that I’ll hurt you in telling you or I’m afraid of being rejected or even of it messing up our friendship. Maybe I’m just a coward and, even now, I am writing this to you in a letter instead of telling you face to face. I probably won’t even give it to you anyway. I’m not sure I ever could.
“Cause I’ve tried to forget you, to move on, but these things … these feelings… just don’t go away for me. And that hurts too. You see, I hate that you’re perfect. Not perfect in the the outward sense, but perfect for me . If I didn’t know better by now, then I would still believe we were made for each other, but I’d know the truth. You’re no good for me, I’m no good for you. If we were, wouldn’t I have been able to tell you? Wouldn’t you have seen my feeble attempts to catch your eye over the last several years? I hate that you’re so beautiful, inside and out, and that your hair shimmers in the sunlight like a perfect halo. You’re one of the most perfect ly patient people I have ever known, especially for someone like me who trips on air and can barely talk in front of you. I hate that you’re perfect ly courteous and compassionate, even with those who don’t deserve it. I hate how you are always giving to others before yourself, even when you have nothing left to give. I hate how sweet and thoughtful you are. As much as I love these things about you, it hurts, Adrien. I hate that you’re perfect for me and even waiting three years hasn’t made me think any differently.
This probably doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any sense to me and I’m the one writing it! I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Alya said getting it off my chest might help me move on or maybe work up the courage to talk to you. But what good are words when they always just get in our way and it hurts the most just to know you don’t feel the same. I’ll just tuck this in my diary and chicken out again. It will be the same old story with your good friend Marinette come Monday and you’ll never know the difference. Except you won’t be the only one wearing a smile and telling people you’re fine when you’re not.
Sometimes, I get down on my knees and pray things will change, that I can move on or maybe that you will somehow love me too, but life is what happens when things don’t work out our way.
However you feel about me, I will understand… or at least, I will try to understand. I’m not really expecting you to love me back or anything. You are amazing and I’m just the baker girl with dreams of designing fashion. You probably get dozens of letters like this every day. Why would this one be any different? But part of me hopes that, no matter what your feelings towards me are, you would take some comfort in the fact that you are loved by someone who knows you as you and not just the face of a brand. More than anything else, I want you to be you. However things work out, you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope you know that.
Your Friend,
Marinette
Adrien stared at the pages in his hands, unable to tear his eyes from the gentle curve of her letters until a drop splashed into the middle of the page. Startled, he dropped the pages as his vision blurred and his hand came up to cover his mouth. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and his heart had stopped.
Marinette had written this with no intention of ever sending it. It was the equivalent of him reading her diary, an invasion of her most sacred privacy… and yet…
Marinette loved him and expected nothing back. His heart suddenly started beating double time, making his chest hurt. She had seen him at his worst, as both Adrien and as Cat Noir, and she still loved him. Not that she knew he was Cat, but his visits to her had given him a glimpse of something beautiful that he couldn’t find anywhere else in his life.
She was real. Marinette had her ups and downs, her emotions got the better of her more often than not, and where she loved, she loved fiercely, adamantly, powerfully, without reserve and without recourse. She was trapped by loving him and he had done his best to ignore it for the last several years because of Ladybug.
But things were different now. Monarch was more powerful than ever. His father’s control over Adrien’s life was slowly tightening even as he drifted further away from him. Ladybug needed her partner and he would stand by her no matter what, but he had to admit to himself that she had broken his heart.
“You okay, kid,” Plagg murmured, nuzzling his cheek in a rare show of affection.
“I… I don’t know.”
“I never thought Pigtails would ever get up the nerve to tell you.”
“She didn’t,” he said, trying to focus on steadying breaths. “She even says so. Alya must have sneaked the letter out of her diary when Marinette wasn’t looking.”
“Still, now you know.”
“Yeah. She’s amazing, isn’t she?”
Plagg hovered in front of his face, gently wiping away the tears that clung to his cheeks. “She always has been, kid. So, what do you intend to do about this?” His tail tapped the pages on the bed beside them.
“She… she doesn’t deserve a broken heart, Plagg.”
“Hers or yours, which do you mean?”
“Mine! Marinette deserves someone who loves her from a whole heart devoted to her. Not a broken, stunted one like mine.” He sighed.
The kwami flew down, picked up the pages, and began to read. “She says you have a gentle heart, you are beautiful inside and out, patient, courteous, compassionate, always giving to others before yourself even when you have no one giving back to you. That you are sweet and thoughtful. She sees and loves these things about you, Adrien, because those qualities are what make her love you. That is all you, kid. No mask, no brand, no label, just you.”
“…But… I’m broken, Plagg. Brokenhearted, socially inept, and completely messed up. Even if I was sure about my feelings for her, I couldn’t do that to her. It would be … using her… as therapy or a rebound or something!”
His friend sighed. “Kid, I knew there was a connection between you on that day you gave her your umbrella. She cares about you, both sides of you, and looks past the masks you wear. What would be so wrong with giving her a chance? Besides, Pigtails is pretty crafty. If anyone could glue you back together, it would be her.”
Adrien shook his head. “I’m not sure I can ever move on from Ladybug, Plagg. She hurt me pretty badly and the last thing I would ever want to do is cause Marinette to hurt like this.”
“Because you love her?”
His heart stuttered painfully in his chest and he sighed, running his fingers through his hair in resignation. “Yeah, because I love her.”
A little paw patted his cheek sympathetically. “Then find a way to tell her, kid. It’s the least you can do and the rest will work itself out. I promise.”
———
When Marinette found the envelope on her desk the next day, she was confused and anxious. She didn’t have the chance to open it until the lunch break, but when she did she was pretty sure her heart stopped.
Dearest Marinette,
You should know that Alya gave me the letter you wrote. I know you never intended me to see it, but you have no idea how much your words mean to me. I know that you are probably panicking right now, wondering how to fix things, but there is nothing about the letter you need to fix. It is perfect just the way it is, just like you are.
I’m sorry it took Alya going behind your back for me to realize the depths of my feelings for you and get up the nerve to tell you. You were right. It is hard to write things out for others to read, but I hope you will forgive any clumsiness on my part.
You see… despite my “picture perfect smiles”, as you call them, I’m really broken. You’re right. I put up a front so all anyone sees is the perfect model, the perfect student, the perfect son, but you somehow saw through all of that. I don’t know how, but you have seen my heart and I am ashamed to let you see it’s broken too. The girl I have been in love with broke it even further. I guess I saw her as an escape, a hope that she could somehow love some version of me that I got to choose, but she always loved someone else. I knew this and I really broke my own heart over her.
So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid I will never be enough for anyone. And in spite of my heart yearning after another, you have always held your own space, like my own private star shining in the dark. I’m ashamed, ‘cause I’ve tried to forget you, but you were right. These things just don’t go away. And I hate that because I’m not good enough for you.
You see, in my eyes, you’re perfect. You’re perfect for me. I’ve wanted to reach out to hold you so many times, to keep you safe, to make sure no one ever dims your smile. Even if I didn’t know how you felt, then I would still believe we were made for each other.
But I know the truth. You’re too good for me and I’m no good for you. I hate that because your perfect heart is probably the only thing that can save me. You’re perfect for me , Marinette. The way your smile lights up any room you walk into. The way you give and give to everyone, no matter what. The way you forgive and the way you fight for those you love. I thought I was just your friend and that was why you fought for me. Knowing I have won a space in your heart, as unworthy as I am, makes me feel like I could take on the world for you, but I am still broken. I hate that you’re perfect because I don’t deserve it. You deserve so much more than a broken heart in a broken boy, Marinette. You deserve sunlight, star shine, roses, and the world at your feet. You deserve someone as good for you as you are for everyone around you.
If you can still love me after knowing all of this, then I will be over the moon, but I will understand if you can not.
With love,
Adrien
Marinette stared at the pages in her hand, tears falling like rain and blurring the precious ink. She trembled all over.
“Hey, girl. You okay. The bell for lunch rang ten minutes ago.”
“Alya,” she gasped desperately, clutching the pages to her chest. “Did Adrien go home for lunch already?”
“Yeah, dude left a few minutes ago,” Nino said from the door. “He wanted to talk to you but wouldn’t interrupt. What’s so important about that letter anyway?”
But she barely heard him. Grabbing up her purse, she ran downstairs and out of the school, heading for the Agreste mansion. The clouds that had been threatening rain all day opened in a downpour. She ran for everything that was in her. She had to let him know.
“Slow down, Marinette! You’ll fall,” Tikki warned.
“I can’t, Tikki! I can’t let Adrien keep thinking this way! He could get akumatized and I couldn’t fight him! I need to let him know!”
Her heart pounding jackhammer blows against her ribs, she slid to a stop in front of the massive gates. She mashed the button and barely twitched when the security camera burst from its spot on the wall.
“Hi. I’m Marinette,” she gasped. “Adrien forgot something very important at school.”
“I’m sorry, Miss Dupain-Cheng, but Adrien’s schedule is- “ Nathalie’s cold voice was cut off sharply by another voice. “Marinette?”
It was Adrien.
“Adrien, it’s me!”
“Let her in, Nathalie! Please!”
A sigh was heard and then, “Very well.”
The gates swung open and she made a mad dash for the front doors. Adrien stood there with an umbrella, looking worried. “Come inside and get dry, Marinette. I wouldn’t want you to get sick.”
He looked over his shoulder at Nathalie who stood just inside the door. “May I take her up to my room to get dried off?”
She nodded briskly. “I will arrange some dry clothes for her.”
“Come with me,” he said, warm fingers wrapping around her chilled wrist. He guided her up the stairs to his room and set her down on his couch while he fussed getting her towels and something hot to drink.
Her head pounded along with her heart. “A-adrien,” she said, grabbing his hand to still his nervous movements. “Sit.”
He sat as suddenly as if he was a dog trained to obey and it made her flinch. Marinette held out her hand that she had kept close to her heart as she ran through the rain and laid the crumpled pages between them.
Then, she reached out and held his face in her hands. “A-adrien, I m-may n-never have intended f-for you to read that letter, but I meant every word I said. I w-want you to b-be happy, even if it isn’t with me. What is it that you really want?”
“N-no one has… ever asked me that!” Tears welled up in his eyes and he threw his arms around her, pulling her tightly to his chest. He sobbed into her hair and she just sat there and held him, letting him get all the pent up emotions out and keeping a watchful eye out for akumas. None would touch her prince. Not while she lived.
Finally, a knock on the door broke the moment between them. Adrien hastily wiped his eyes and went to answer it. He brought a neatly folded bundle of clothes and held them out to her.
She took it without a word and rose to go to his bathroom, but he grabbed her wrist. His eyes were still red and wet and his hand shook around hers.
“Marinette?”
“Yeah?”
“I think… I know… You’re what I want, Marinette.” His free hand brushed aside a strand of hair that still clung damply to her face and he pressed a chaste kiss to her lips sending her heart into free fall. “You’re perfect for me.”