Work Text:
“Absolutely not,” said Ayato. “I’m not lending you a Shuumatsuban agent just to wait in line for a...”—he scanned the pamphlet—“statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty—”
“Figurine,” corrected Miko, “it’s an Ei figurine... and come now, Lord Kamisato, you know the little one would just be napping in a tree anyway.”
“Perhaps normally, yes. However, Sayu is actually helping me with an important mission during the festival.”
Miko’s eyes narrowed. “Really? And what could be more important than my request, dear Commissioner?”
Ayato did not buckle under the implied threat. He met the Guuji’s gaze calmly.
“She is helping me contrive a situation where the Naganohara girl trips and falls into my sister’s arms.”
“I... oh, fine.” Miko pouted. “I will concede that that is also an amusing use of ninja. And those two are quite overdue for a little nudge.”
She paced around the room.
“But now I am left with a problem, Kamisato Ayato. I promised Sara a professional to stand in line for her.”
“And you would have sent a ninja to do a samurai’s job?”
Miko shrugged. “It would have been funny.”
“Then you’ll have to find something else funny,” said Ayato. “Or is the great Guuji Yae incapable of such a task?”
Miko glared. For that jibe, she would see to it that the Yashiro rascal woke up one morning in Hiiragi Chisato’s chambers with no explanation. (Not today. Not this year. But eventually.)
Although, he had a point. If she couldn’t mortify Sayu, she could still mortify Sara. What if...? Oh. (Miko smiled.) Oh, yes, Miko knew just the thick-headed samurai for this job.
“Oh, Ei. I’m so distraught. The Irodori Festival was going so well, but... but then...”
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh, it’s...” (Sniffle.) “...nothing important, really...”
“Please, Miko, tell me what’s wrong.”
“If... oh, goodness gracious... if you’re sure... Well, I’ve made a promise I’m not sure I can keep...”
Paimon seemed to be carrying her end of the conversation pretty well, so Lumine kept slurping on her drink and tuned out most of Kujou Sara’s excited infodump—a special edition Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty blah blah, limited 300-unit batch, a scheduling conflict, something about the Tengu not being able to stand in line all morning...
Lumine was focused on more important things. Specifically, the figurine itself on display in the shopfront. The oversized head! The peaceful but obstinate expression on the face! And cuteness aside, the craftsmanship on display was simply outstanding. The rippling folds of the archon’s yukata were perfectly rendered in glazed lacquerware, and even from a good ten metres away Lumine was almost certain she wouldn’t find a single blemish if she took a closer look. It was the best work of mass-produced sculpture Lumine had seen in several dozen worlds. (Not counting the dimension of unnecessarily sexy talking statues, but she and Aether had sworn to forget that that trip had ever happened.)
“...must be pretty tough for you to find someone to buy it and not keep it to themselves!” Paimon was saying.
Sara explained that, miraculously, Yae Miko had found a professional to stand in line on Sara’s behalf.
“That’s good of her!” said Paimon. “It sounds like you’ll get the figurine after all.”
Sara scoffed. “Once again, need I remind you, it’s called a Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder.” Then, a small smile appearing on her lips, she added, “But yes, it seems so.”
She seemed in a good mood. Good for her. She deserved it.
After Sara had excused herself and returned to her patrols, Paimon turned to Lumine and asked:
“A buyer would need to be an ‘early riser’ and ‘tall’, huh? I wonder who Yae would have sent.”
Lumine shrugged. Sayu, maybe?
Paimon winced. “Oof. Sayu would just... oh, that’d be a disaster.”
Lumine did not disagree. But it was exactly the kind of nonsense Yae Miko would pull when she was bored, which was always.
“Next question!” said Paimon. “Can we buy some juice or something? Paimon’s thirsty.”
About twenty minutes and two iced yuzu teas later, the two of them turned around to find the Raiden Shogun standing before them in an otherwise deserted Ritou alleyway.
Her Excellency, the (puppet of the) Raiden Shogun, the Almighty Narukami look you get the idea, cut an imposing figure. With her ever-dour expression, it was impossible to tell whether she was inviting you on a stroll or sentencing you to death.
Lumine offered a cautious ‘hi’.
“Good morning,” said the Raiden Shogun. “The Shogunate requires your assistance in a sensitive matter. As the two of you are not my subjects, you have the opportunity to decline this request. Do you decline or otherwise object?”
“Uh...” Paimon exchanged a glance with Lumine. “We do... not object.”
The Shogun’s eyes fluttered shut. When they opened a moment later, her eyes were a brighter shade of purple, and the muscles of her face had softened.
“Oh, Traveller,” said Ei. “And Paimon.” She closed her eyes again. “Yes, thank you, Shogun, they’ll do nicely.”
Lumine greeted the Electro Archon with a respectful dip of her head.
“Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder,” said Paimon, with a less subtle bow that nearly sent her upside down. “Hi! How are you?”
Ei bit her lip. “Traveller, Paimon,” she said, “I have... a problem. One requiring discretion.”
“Leave it to us! Discretion is Paimon’s middle name.”
(Lumine said nothing, instead taking a long, weary sip of iced yuzu tea.)
“Oh?” said Ei. “What is your family name?”
“Um... doesn’t matter,” said Paimon. “How can we help, Ei?”
“Well...” Ei sighed. “Miko asked me for a favour. I was to arrive at Eipekkusu early in the morning and obtain a... ceramic figurine of some sort... oh dear, I’ve forgotten the name. Miko was quite insistent on the name.”
Lumine asked her if she was referring to the limited edition Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder.
Ei’s face brightened. “Yes, that’s it!” she said. “I was to buy one of these for an associate of Miko’s: apparently their loyal service to the Shogunate meant this person could not wait in line themselves.”
“Um.” Paimon squinted. “Let Paimon get this straight.”
“Get what straight?”
“So you’re... the ‘specialist’ Yae sent to buy the Statue of Her Excellency blah blah blah.”
“Yes,” said Ei.
“And,” Paimon continued, “Yae didn’t tell you who it was for?”
“Indeed.” Ei glanced perplexedly at Lumine, who was groaning loudly. She continued: “Alas, to my shame, I failed in my task. I was unable to procure the Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder. Though I made it to the stall shortly after it opened, they were already sold out.”
“After it opened?” Paimon put her hands on her hips. “I thought you of all people were supposed to be punctual.”
Ei blushed. “Well, you see, the Shogun and I were on our way out of Tenshukaku when we were caught up in a matter of... somewhat personal importance.”
Ei blinked.
“Triple caramel mochi,” said the Raiden Shogun, glassy-eyed. “A frivolous indulgence, immaterial to the pursuit of eternity.”
The Raiden Shogun blinked.
Ei scowled, her cheeks red. “Dammit, I’m putting you in timeout... Yes, fine, it’s as the Shogun says. There were distractions.”
Distractions, mimicked Lumine, rolling her eyes.
“No, no, that’s a valid excuse,” said Paimon.
“In any case,” said Ei, “they sold out quite fast. Everybody in line most generously offered to let me go ahead of them—I suppose they must all have noticed my distress—but it seems only the first hundred or so arrivals were able to purchase the Statue.”
Lumine remarked that that was suspicious: weren’t there supposed to be three hundred figurines in all?
Ei frowned. “That is indeed strange.”
After a few seconds of thought, Ei’s face brightened.
“Ah! Perhaps this is a matter for the Tenryou Commission. And even if not... well, I have failed in my mission. I must update my...”
Lady?, suggested Lumine.
“What kind of suggestion is that!?” humphed Paimon.
“...I suppose a warrior answers to a liege,” said Ei. “Yes, then. Let us go update my Lady.”
Lumine did not snigger into her drink but it was a close thing.
“Your Excellency!” said Kujou Sara. “How may the Tenryou Commission be of service?”
“At ease, General,” said Ei. “I’ve come to update you on a personal matter.”
“A... personal matter?”
“Yes,” said Ei, “you’re one of my most treasured subjects, and so when Miko asked me if I could help you complete a purchase, I thought it might be a nice way to show my gratitude for your loyal service.”
“A purchase...?” Sara blanched. “Wait, Yae Miko?”
All four of Sara’s wings popped out from behind her back, and she went very, very still.
“Um... is Kujou Sara okay?” said Paimon. “Paimon thinks she looks kind of... terrified.”
(With the hand that wasn’t gripping her Yuzu tea, Lumine reached out and gently shushed Paimon.)
“It’s... No, everything’s fine; I’m fine,” said Sara briskly. With visible concentration, she relaxed and retracted her wings. “I was just taken by surprise. Um. Your Excellency. Am I to understand that Guuji Yae sent you to buy the... the... to buy an item for me?”
“Correct,” said Ei, with a gentle nod. “The ceramics at Eipekkusu are quite masterfully made.”
Sara swallowed. “I see. Well. I am... um... truly grateful for your assistance in buying the... statue of— the... the statue.”
“About that.” Ei bowed her head apologetically. “I was unable to procure the Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder. Though I made it to the stall shortly after it opened, they were already sold out.”
“Oh.” Sara sighed. “That’s... disappointing, but...”
Ei dropped to one knee. “I beg your forgiveness, Lady Kujou.”
“What?” said Sara. Her mouth worked opened and closed silently a few times, before managing another “What!?”
Paimon asked, “Do you want to be the one to explain, Traveller?”
Lumine said no.
“I... Your Excellency, why are you kneeling?” Sara stammered, her face heating up. “Why are you apologising to me? Did— did Yae put you up to this...?”
“In this matter, though I am here on Yae’s behalf, I am as a samurai who has failed her liege’s orders,” said Ei. She blinked. “Is this... not the appropriate level of obeisance a warrior ought to show her liege?”
“Liege?” Sara blinked rapidly. “I... Oh, archons, please stand up... um. Your Excellency, you’re not beholden to me whatsoever—”
“Nonsense,” said Ei, standing upright again. “I gave my word I would obtain the statue. Yet I was not amongst the first hundred in line—”
(Triple caramel mochi, Lumine remarked to a snickering Paimon: a threat to Eternity.
“The mochi shall be inlaid upon this statue,” Paimon whispered back, giggling.)
“Wait. The first hundred?” Sara frowned. “There were three hundred Statues of Her— of Your Excellency in total. That’s... there should have been enough.”
“We found it strange, too,” said Ei. “Unless the laws of mathematics have changed during my time in the Plane of Euthymia—”
Paimon said: “Paimon rather doubts it.”
“I wouldn’t put it past Yae,” said Ei.
“...you know what, Paimon understands why you’d think that.”
“Anyway,” said Ei, “if numbers still work as they once did—”
“They do,” sighed Sara.
“—then it seems foul play is afoot.” Ei crossed her arms. “My Lady. I shall investigate this reprobacy on your half.”
“What?” said Sara. “No, I mean... Your Excellency, this is the Tenryou Commission’s job, if anything criminal has occurred. I can’t possibly ask you to—”
“General Kujou,” said Ei—(“Technically not a general nowadays,” murmured Sara.)—“This Statue is yours by right. I shall not rest until your honour has been satisfied. Until then I am unworthy of you; nay, unworthy to kiss the ground upon which you walk...”
Sara, who was now blushing quite red, said: “You know what? actually, this isn’t important. Let’s just, uh, forget the matter. Please. You don’t owe me anything...”
Paimon frowned. “Sara, don’t say that! Didn’t you say you’d saved up for months to get the figurine?”
“Yes, and it’s not a figurine,” snapped Sara reflexively, “it’s a Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty... Almighty...”
Sara made eye contact with Ei, then squeaked in horror and clapped a hand over her mouth, feigning a coughing fit. (It convinced nobody.)
“There’s no other choice,” said Ei firmly. “I simply must investigate the matter.”
“Paimon feels like Lady Miko engineered this situation to be as awkward as possible,” Paimon confided to Lumine.
Lumine voiced her agreement, and her consternation: as amusing as this was, this did seem a little mean.
“Should we go ask Miko to call off this prank of hers now that there’s some kind of... figurine theft involved?”
Not a figurine, Lumine corrected Paimon, her eyes twinkling: a Statue of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder.
“Ha, ha. Paimon thinks you’re hilarious.”
(Lumine smirked.)
“...not,” added Paimon.
(Lumine continued to smirk.)
Lumine and Paimon decided to split up: Paimon could stay with the general and archon and keep an eye on the situation in case Kujou Sara had a crush-induced meltdown, and Lumine could go find Yae Miko and... okay, step two was hazy, but step one was finding Yae Miko.
“Miko?” said Aratani. “I haven’t seen her this morning. I think she has a meeting with the Yashiro Commissioner over lunch, though.”
“Ayato?” said Thoma. “He walked Ayaka to Ritou earlier but I don’t know what his plans are now. Perhaps if you ask the Lady?”
“Forgive me if this is a silly question, my Lady...” said Ei.
Sara stiffened slightly at ‘my Lady’ but nodded. “Your question?”
“Why do you... collect these?”
“Collect... what?” said Sara.
“The Statue of the Whats-it Raiden Thunder Thingy,” supplied Paimon.
Sara grimaced. “Um. Well. You see.”
She paused to gather her thoughts, and the three of them walked in silence for a few seconds.
“...because of my... loyalty and devotion to my Archon?” said Sara, not particularly confidently.
“Way to be convincing, Sara,” muttered Paimon.
Ei looked thoughtful.
“Hmm,” she said, after a pause. “No, that cannot be the entire reason. Many of my most loyal subjects do not collect such figurines. And there were hardly enough of them on sale for all my subjects. No, there must be something more to this idiosyncrasy of yours...”
“Um,” said Kujou Sara. “Um. If you’ll excuse me for a moment, Your Excellency.”
She stepped away, motioning to Paimon.
“Miss Paimon,” she whispered. “A word, please.”
Paimon darted over. “What is it?” she said, sotto voce.
“I think I may be trapped in a nightmare,” Sara replied. “Please tell me this is all just a nightmare.”
“Um... Paimon doesn’t think you’re in a nightmare, Kujou Sara. But if you’re not sure... maybe try pinching yourself?”
Sara pinched herself, then looked around to verify that nothing had changed.
“Frick,” she swore.
“Oh no,” squeaked Ei’s voice from nearby, “forgive me, my Lady!, I didn’t mean to call them figurines! I meant, Statues of Her...”
The moment she saw her, Ayaka threw herself at Lumine.
“Traveller!” she said, grabbing the woman in question by the shoulders and fixing her with a look of utter dismay. “Thank the gods you’re here! We’ve been having the most terrible day!”
“Nah, it’s been great!, really.”
The second voice was Yoimiya, who caught up to them at a leisurely stroll, a chicken skewer in each hand. In drastic contrast to Ayaka’s wild-eyed distress, the blonde fireworks expert had a smile on her face so wide, her eyes crinkled into little half-moons.
“So what can we do you for?” she chirped.
Lumine nodded at her in greeting, then focused her attention on Ayaka: a terrible day?, she echoed.
“Yes, most terrible!” said Ayaka, nodding rapidly. “Miss Naganohara...”—(“I told you, silly; just call me Yoimiya!”)—“...Miss Yoimiya and I were enjoying a peaceful festival outing, when some wretched scoundrel pelted us with... some kind of horrible ninja device.”
“Water bombs,” Yoimiya stage whispered. “Harmless kiddie fun...” Her face brightened up. “And besides, I protected her, don’t worry! Ayaka here’s kimono is as dry as my workshop mortars. It was my top that got totally soaked, in the end, hehe.”
“Yes.” Ayaka nodded faster. “Soaked, Traveller; soaked.”
The Shirasagi Himegimi stared at Lumine intensely, as if trying to communicate something.
Sensing what was up, Lumine looked to Yoimiya, whose brick-red kimono indeed still looked damp and— wait a minute. The sarashi Yoimiya normally had wrapped around her chest like bandages, what had happened to it? Instead, Yoimiya’s damp kimono was... was clinging...
Celestia above. Lumine averted her eyes—more out respect for Ayaka’s modesty than Yoimiya’s.
“And then,” Ayaka continued, “there were crowds on our way to the plaza, and someone bumped into Miss Yoimiya and she nearly fell down the steps.”
“Pfft, you were in the perfect spot to catch me, and you did!, didn’t’cha?” Yoimiya beamed. “You’re my hero.”
“And when I caught her, she... she...” Ayaka shook her head. “No, I shan’t bother you with the details, Traveller.”
“Anyway, we’re doing great—” said Yoimiya.
“And then,” said Ayaka, “one of the ninja on my security detail fell from a room into some thorns—the ikebana courtyard, some of the plants have them...”
“He was okay,” Yoimiya assured Lumine, “he just had a few scratches! And I always have ‘bandages’ on me, hehe, so I just gave some to him and he was right as rain.”
...was that, Lumine asked Ayaka in a whisper, why she was avoiding looking in Yoimiya’s direction?
“Yes,” Ayaka whispered back. “Yes she’s not supported— I mean, it’s indecent, she— Traveller, help me.”
How?, mouthed Lumine.
“I don’t know,” despaired Ayaka. “I... help.”
“This,” said Ei, “is is my General.” She folded her arms. “If you cut in line ahead of her, you have cut in line ahead of me.”
Ei paused, considering her words.
“This is, of course, metaphorical,” she amended.
Junpei, a man with a truly awful haircut who, until moments ago, had been crowing about having scored an elusive figurine, had turned ashen. “I ... Oh gods.” He fell to his knees, bowing deeply. “Forgive me, Your Excellency! I didn’t... I mean... I didn’t know!”
“Where did you get the figurine?” demanded Ei.
“It’s not a figurine,” said Kujou Sara reflexively, “it’s a Statue of—” Her eyes widened and she feigned another coughing fit.
“Pardon?” said Ei.
“Nothing!” said Sara, a little too quickly. “I wasn’t being snippy with you, Your Excellency, I would never dare!...”
“Uh, please ignore Sara,” said Paimon, “she was just... thinking about a light novel. A light novel about Statues of Excellency Narukami Thunders.”
“A blatant lie,” the Raiden Shogun said, in a monotonous voice. “Our vassal was informing us that the correct name is the Statue of Her Exc— of Her—”
Ei slapped the Shogun in the face. “Yes, yes, shut up, you’re embarrassing me in front of Kujou,” she muttered.
“Your... Your Excellency?” stammered Junpei. “Did you just slap yourself in the face?”
“Answer the question, criminal scum,” said a very red-faced Sara.
“I didn’t steal it, I swear!” the man said, falling to his knees. “Please. I bought it from a store employee at the back entrance. He said it was legal. I swear, I’m no criminal, I beg you for mercy...”
“That’s clearly related to illegal dealings,” said Sara.
“Please, I beg you, I had no idea!...”
“Which employee?” said Paimon.
Ei waved a hand dismissively. “That can wait,” she said.
She glared at Junpei.
“You. Give it to her.”
Still on his knees, the man gulped. “P— pardon me?”
“The Statue of Her... the statue of me. Give it to the General. You obtained it illicitly. It’s hers now.”
“What?” said Sara, even as Junpei frantically pressed the statuette into her hands.
Ei bowed her head. “My Lady. Consider this my gift to you, and... and your loyal samurai’s apology for failing to be first in line.”
“What!?” said Sara. “You’re not my... I mean... We need to seize this as evidence.”
Ei crossed her arms. “Take it, General. This is an order.”
Paimon groaned. “Ei! Sara! Ugh... Is Paimon the only one here interested in solving this case?”
Lumine found Ayato and Yae Miko drinking bubble tea behind Kanjou Commission headquarters. Sitting nearby was a familiar green-clad figure.
“...and then I told him, technically you have scaled the tallest peak now!” Venti was saying.
“I’m sorry,” said Ayato, “you threw half of Mount Pilos in the sea to make a joke?”
“No, I threw it to help get more of a gentle easterly sea breeze going inland,” said Venti. “The joke was a nice bonus. Spur of the moment, too— oh, hi, Lumine! Would you like to try some of my special plum-dandelion wine? It’s a cocktail: half plum wine, and... you’ll never guess...”
Lumine cut him off to inform Ayato and Miko that they were the most obnoxious matchmakers she’d met in Teyvat, and that was including the time Lisa locked two alchemists in a cupboard full of aphrodisiac fumes.
Ayato smiled guiltily. (Miko just smiled.)
“Would you not do the same for your brother?” the Yashiro Commissioner said.
That— that was beside the point. Was Miko aware that her little joke on Ei and Sara was now getting in the way of a criminal investigation?
“Oh?” said Miko mildly. “That sounds concerning. Concerning, but also amusing.”
Lumine growled.
And now: the sting.
Having identified the employee responsible for the missing goods, Kujou Sara was finally back in her element: a miscreant to arrest, evidence to seize, all in a day’s work for a Tenryou Commission officer.
“Let’s go over the plan one more time,” she said.
“Yes, my Lady,” said Ei, bowing low.
“You don’t have to call me that... ugh.” Sara looked to Paimon. “Paimon. While I and my men surround the criminal, Seigou, you distract him.”
Paimon saluted. “Yup yup! Paimon will show him this big bag of Mora, and keep haggling with him on the price!”
“Remember,” said Sara, “you want to gain his trust, so even though you’ll be stalling, don’t drag your feet, don’t annoy him. We need Seigou to think you’re on the verge of making a deal.”
“Got it,” said Paimon. “And, um... where’s Ei?”
“As I said before, Her Excellency will be watching at a distance, ensuring all escape routes...” Sara trailed off as Paimon zoomed away towards the pier where the meet was due to take place. “Paimon? Paimon, wait, I didn’t give the signal, where are you going?”
Sara turned around.
“Men, get ready to... wait, where did Her Excellency go?”
“Um,” said one of Sara’s lieutenants, pointing, “she’s over there.”
Downhill, at the pier:
“Hello,” said Ei. “You are Seigou. How much for the statue?”
“Hmm? Where did you hear about—” Seigou paused, taking in the sight of Ei. “Your... Your Excellency!?”
“Um,” said Ei. “I suppose I’m not your usual kind of illicit customer...”
“Hi,” said Paimon loudly, arriving between them. “Hi, you must be the guy with the statues...” She looked between the archon and the thief, taking the situation in. “Pfft. Have you never heard of costume play?”
“Costume play?” said Seigou. “Like... dress-up?”
“Yeah! This lady here is... is the world’s number one Raiden Shogun fan!”
(Ei blinked. “I am?”)
(“Play along,” hissed Paimon.)
“I... am,” said Ei. “I am a... fan. And that is why I am wearing my robes.”
Paimon poked Ei in the side.
“I mean... The robes of... Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, God of Thunder.”
“But you’re not her,” said Paimon.
“No,” confirmed Ei, nodding quickly. “I am not the Narukami Ogosho. I am someone else. An, um, off duty... bodyguard named... um... Kara.”
Seigou had untensed a little, and now faced the two of them with his arms crossed. “Hmph. You had me going until you opened your mouth.”
Paimon grinned cheeseily. “Eheh.”
The thief shrugged. “Well, neat dress-up. Hope you didn’t spend all your money on it—this merchandise is hot.” He motioned at a crate behind him, containing neat rows of Raiden Shogun statues.
“No,” said Ei, “I have not been spending all my money on my... pretend... clothes. I have been saving... saving my...”
Ei’s eyes widened a fraction.
“I have been... saving my limited salary for this item,” she said. “I am a very big fan of me— of hers, and so I... purchase many of... such things... and I frequently hire people to stand in line for figurines, um, statues of myself. Of her. Her Excellency.”
(As the Tenryou soldiers crept into position, Kujou Sara could be heard muttering, “Kill me now.” They all tactfully pretended not to hear.)
Paimon rubbed her chin, affecting a very thoughtful expression. “So. Hmm. Will this figurine... keep its value over time?”
Seigou grunted. “I don’t have time for this. Just name your price.”
“I, Kara, always want a reminder of Her Excellency around me,” Ei was saying. “I... derive great emotional... sustenance... from Her Excellency’s likeness.”
Paimon replied: “Uh, how’s a hundred thousand?”
And Seigou said: “No way. That’s barely more than the original retail price. You think I went to all this trouble for pocket change?”
“And,” continued Ei, lips trembling, “I’m... I’m important to her. Um. That is... The Shogun is important to me. I’ve... I’ve put my life on the line for her, time and time again. And I’ve never, never asked anything of her in return for my loyalty.”
Paimon crossed her arms. “Well, don’t make Paimon play eleventy questions with you. You name your price.”
Seigou crossed his arms in return. “Three hundred bigs.”
Paimon made a horrified noise. “Three hundred thousand? Are you serious!? That’s enough to feed Paimon for a week!”
“...and I take Kara— I mean, I— the Shogun almost takes me for granted,” said Ei, her voice beginning to waver. “Like all her loyal servants, she just... accepts my existence as the way things are. She never realised how much... how much I...”
Paimon countered: “One hundred and thirty milk crates.”
Seigou’s eyes narrowed. “If you’re not serious about this deal...”
Paimon growled, “Grr... okay. One fifty. Final offer.”
“The Shogunate’s servants are so short lived, their lives so fleeting...” Ei’s eyes were a little red now. “And yet... there are those who leave an indelible mark upon my Eternity. Our Eternity.”
Seigou looked unimpressed. “I’m not selling for a Mora less than two hundred thousand, kid.”
Paimon: “Who are you calling ‘kid’? Paimon said final. One fifty... and Paimon won’t even ask you to giftwrap it!”
“What if Sara— Kara— what if I died in the line of duty? And my Archon had never told me how much... how much I—”
“Oh Archons please stop talking,” said Kujou Sara desperately, “my men are right here, I’m never going to live this down.”
Ei turned. “Sara?”
Paimon and Seigou turned.
“Wait, we’re not in position yet!” cried one of Sara’s men.
Seigou and Sara stared at each other for a few long seconds.
Sara scowled and drew her bow. “You’re under arrest, you dirty dealing scum! Surrender and—”
“What?” said Seigou. Then his eyes fell on the crate of statues he’d been standing in front of. “Oh shit, that’s evidence...”
“Seize him!” shouted Sara.
Seigou grabbed a plank of wood and raised it above his head, then wheeled to face the crate of statues.
“Oh no!” cried Paimon, “the statues!”
Ei gasped, then narrowed her eyes. “You will not touch my General’s merchandise, criminal—”
She leapt in front of the neatly laid rows of statues just as Seigou closed the distance, swinging the plank of wood with wild abandon.
Before a single figurine could be smashed, the fabric of reality itself tore open and swallowed Ei and Seigou whole.
“What on earth was that ruckus?” said Venti. “Over there, down by the docks.”
Sitting beside him on the roof of the Kanjou Commission, Yae Miko smiled. “Something amusing, I daresay.”
“We’ll have to drop by later, then. Now!” Venti looked at Miko thoughtfully. “Never have I ever... lived in Liyue.”
Yae smirked and shook her head. “Neither.”
“Ah, damn,” said Venti, taking a swig of umeshu. “And here I was so sure. Your turn!”
“So,” said Sara, “how long does this usually take?”
“What do you mean?” said Paimon.
“I missed both your friend’s duels with Her Excellency. Did they take this long?”
“Yeah, but... this guy shouldn’t be any trouble for Ei.” Paimon scratched her head, puzzled. “What’s taking them so long?”
“Your Excellency, I beg you, spare me, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry...”
Ei, who was holding Seigou up by the lapels, shook him agitatedly.
“You don’t understand, mortal,” she said, face red, “she heard all of that. She must think me such a fool! I can’t show my face to her. What do I do?”
The front door of the Kamisato Estate opened and slammed shut.
“So,” said Ayato, not looking up from his novel. “Did you have a good day?”
Taking long, brisk strides, Ayaka strode across the room and slapped him across the face.
“Heh...” said Ayato, rubbing at his cheek. “I suppose that was deserved.”
“You are a scoundrel, brother,” Ayaka seethed.
Ayato shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a brother’s duty to... wait a minute. Ayaka... are those bite marks on your neck?”
Ayaka flushed and snapped a fan open before her face.
“I’m telling Thoma you like him and you can’t stop me,” she said crossly.
Ayato sighed, but fine; he probably deserved that.