Chapter Text
New York was a whole different ballpark for Finn, but that wasn’t saying much. His ballpark was a cult in Maine. You see, A square peg in a round hole always sticks out, no matter how you grind down the corners, slam your hand down against it, shake at it, scream, yell and press. It doesn’t fit. You can change out the looks of the circle hole, sometimes it may even be an oval, but it will never fit. Finn was a square. No, not like that. He was quite lovely and wholly good. He asked questions, daydreamed and stuck up for those around him despite whatever consequences there may be, so the cult elders hated him. He’d gone through what many others hear only from horrifying news stories or podcasts. Yet, the horrors paled in comparison to the real world. It’s a confusing and chaotic frenzied way of life that was incomprehensible to someone who’d lived their life in such a rigid structure.
Every day he woke up in his government subsidised apartment that he liked to think was an apology from the government and not a ‘sorry we got caught’ type, take nearly an hour trying to figure out what to wear, nearly letting tears slip down his face just looking at the piles of things around the room. Then he goes out and tries to accomplish whatever absurd goal he has sitting around in his head. Which he will inevitably freak out over and not do, then go home. Maybe go to Leia and Han’s for dinner so he doesn’t have to make that choice either. Today was no different. Just opening his eyes into the room he was jolted with fear, then the realisation that he wasn’t in the small cramped barracks of the church’s housing. That fear that shocked him awake would only turn to the dread that, he was out and he was in control.
Finn sat up, a thin layer of sweat covering his body. It wasn’t even that hot, but he still kicked the blankets off and away from him, letting them tumble off the bed before panicking to grab them. Actually, getting out of bed was simple enough, making the bed was muscle memory, smoothing the sheets with precision until his breathing calmed. For a moment the thought that they would find the contraband he’d hidden for Zero until the rest of him caught up and a flush of embarrassment spread through his face. He sighed, running his hand over the sheets, letting the fabric fold under his hand till small streaks ran across it. He smiled.
Getting dressed was the next monster. His room was divided into a couple of sections. The bed, the messy pile, the clean pile and the spot next to the door. He did his best every day to fold both the piles into something not as abhorrent, but by the next, they would be ruined. Mainly from his frustrations of just finding something to wear. Everyone outside wore such gorgeous things, bright colours, unusual textures and sometimes they would wear very little. Every time they would pass him by, he longed to reach out and touch the fabric that they seemed to wear too easily, what seemed to look so in place on them. He hadn’t even attempted to go inside a clothing store since his official freedom. He sighed, looking down at his clean clothes. Neutral, pale colours, t-shirts that pinched his under arms and pants that itched and slipped down his hips at any movement. He hated them, he hated wearing them. Finn clenched one of the shirts in his hand, twisting it around in hopes that it may rip and he’d have the excuse of not wearing anything at all, but it just bunched around. He put it all on, accepting defeat. No better were his shoes, there were too many of them, each with their own supposed purpose that he couldn’t figure out. Some were sneakers, some were boots but some were good sneakers that could be worn with anything, the good boots were for fancy things (what qualified as fancy he didn’t know), and the bad sneakers were for mud and the bad boots were for every day. That’s what they said as they bought them for him.
He stared at the row of shoes. Hoping it would get easier just to figure out what was what.
He just picked the white sneakers he’d gotten the first day as a hideaway at Leia and Han’s. The white, now shades of yellow and brown, no longer the clean pristine shoe he promised to keep them. Still, he put them on.
He checked the time. It was nearly nine already. He sighed, looking over at his door from his bed. He had a plan. Walk down to the corner store, buy a drink… his thoughts faltered on the plan. What drink would he get? What options did they have? Would he like any of them? Never mind, he’d just get the first one he saw. Then he would walk to the man behind the counter and pay. All he had to say was ‘good morning’ and ‘how are you?’. That was it and then he would be done. It was something he'd done all the time before. Mindless small talk.
He stepped out the door and already he was exhausted. Standing in the hallway. The pressure of his door to his back offering him the salvation of giving up and climbing back under the covers he’d meticulously messed up. He couldn’t do that. He’d promised Han and Leia he would try every day. He promised that boy who dreamed of this that he would enjoy every moment of freedom he could. What that boy didn’t know, is that freedom was paralyzing.
He continued towards the stairs, shaking out his hands of their jitters as he descended towards the street. The corner store was only a minute away, the trip shouldn’t take longer than ten minutes and then he could retreat and have whatever breakdown was brewing. Standing out onto the street, his eyes fled to the sidewalk. Avoiding the look of people around him. Staring down, away from how far the street went on for and how big the sky was. If he kept his eyes down he wouldn’t be able to see anyone and they could ignore him.
He started walking. For a moment he looked up, catching a glimpse of a familiar face. He looked away, quickly swallowing the bile in his throat. When he looked back, he was just met with the reality. It was a stranger. He picked up his speed to the corner store, bursting through as the little bell jingled, alerting them to his presence. There was only one other person in the store. Finn let out the breath that had been stuck in his lungs. He flashed a smile at the clerk as he rushed to the drinks fridge, opening it and grabbing whatever he landed on. Now he just had to say good morning, how are you and pay. He turned to the counter and shuffled up, placing his drink.
“That everything?” The man asked. He was a large man, with a large beard with a cloth that covered his hair. Finn nodded dumbly as the man typed into his register. This was his chance. “That’ll be $2.50” Finn pulled out the coins he had kept in his pants, looking down at them for a moment. He was missing his chance. He just needed to open his damn mouth. The man was smiling at him. He seemed nice. He just needed to say the goddamn words. Just-
He handed the coins over without a word.
He took his drink and raced home.
Getting home, he kicked the door shut. Letting himself fall forward into his mattress, bouncing for a moment before sinking into it, face pressed into the sheets. Ruining his work. The drink was still in his hand. He turned to actually look at what he’d bought. He’d never seen it before, but it had an orange on it so he sat up. Opening it and taking a sip. It was awful. He grinned. He took another sip. Although this morning had been a failure, he could try again. The man looked friendly. Maybe he could go down and get a different drink. Then talk to him. Finn groaned into the can. Who was he kidding? He wasn’t going to say a word. He never had the courage to say anything, instead, he stood there looking like an idiot.
He pulled out his phone. It had been a gift from Leia, she was constantly worried about him getting abducted or lost whenever she wasn’t around that she had gotten him one. He wasn’t the best at them still, but he knew how to call and how to text and that seemed to ease Leia’s mind about his wellbeing. He texts her. Wishing her a good morning and asking how she was. Good enough.
“Hi Finn! I’m good, so is Han. Just wondering if you’re going to be over for dinner again?” He looked at the message, he thought that after getting an apartment he’d be able to live more independently. It only made him come to the painful realisation that he was anything but.
“If you want me, I’ll be there.”
“Of course, we want you here,” He grinned.
He never ended up going back to the corner store, instead, wasting his time surfing the internet in groups for things he’d had sort of an interest in. Mainly Tv shows, as it really was the only thing he knew he liked, but the pages for that were confusing and overwhelming. By the time he’d looked through forums and posts, long enough to get overwhelmed and frustrated by how much there was out there, he turned off his phone and decided he’d go to Leia and Han’s early. They wouldn’t mind. They could sit and chat, he could help with dinner, something to ease the presence of another.
Stepping back onto the New York streets, he kept his head low. Weaving through the foot traffic, dodging those who hadn’t bothered to look down at the thing crawling beneath them. He knew his way there like the back of his hand. Finding himself at their doorstep more times than not. Arriving at the building, he quickly pressed the buzzer, quickly doing a sweep of the street. Out of the corner, he could see someone walking toward him. He pressed the buzzer again, pulling himself closer to the door. He looked up, they were staring right at him. Panic surged as he pressed the buzzer again. It was a tall man, only a couple of feet away. He couldn’t make out if he knew him or not. He tore his gaze away. What was taking them so long? His hands shook, staring at the door, not looking at him and hoping he’d go away. No answer, he peeked over his shoulder. Jumping as the man was right next to him. Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he stepped back, shutting his eyes and waiting for something to happen.
Nothing happened.
Slowly he opened his eyes. The man wasn’t looking at him, simply opening the apartment building's door and entering. He was being an idiot. Again. He sharply slapped the side of his face, leaving a sharp sting across his face, calming him down. Finally, the door buzzed open for him. He took a deep breath to stop whatever his chest was still doing and stepped into the building.
Leia opened the door with a knowing smile, smells of dinner already on the way. Finn stood there dumbly for a moment as she opened her arms. Immediately he careened forward, melting into her. The stress of the day already slipping away as he kept his head buried in her shoulder.
“That bad?” Han joked from the couch.
“Do you need help?” Finn asked, mostly muffled by his face being pressed against her nice shirt. It was soft, caressing his face gently.
“Never need it, but I’m happy to accept your offer,” Releasing his hold on her, her arms lingered for a little longer, holding him close. Just to look at him, she could probably sniff out every thought he’d had that day. Her eyes narrowed for a moment before relaxing and letting him go. “If things get too much, you can always take a minute away. You don’t have to add the stress of behaving perfectly when you’re struggling,” she said as if it were the simplest thing. Perhaps it was. Leia just turned to Han who was busy lazed across the couch, dog in lap as he read the paper. Chewie had barely lifted his head to greet Finn, but that wasn’t anything out of the usual. The big pooch barely did anything without Han by his side.
“I don’t suppose my husband would be inclined to help?” She said, staring down at the lump that was Han. Slowly, he peered up over the paper. Eyebrows raised in panic.
“Perhaps,” his words cautious. Leia said nothing for a moment. Han immediately got up and fled towards the kitchen where the most delicious smells came from. The kitchen in The First Order never smelled as lively, or as homey as Han and Leia’s. Never did he expect the kitchen to become a place he genuinely wanted to spend, maybe with a tea, or while doing the dishes as he talked to his companions. The kitchen, even in the apartment was bright, home to most of the eclectic collection of plants and pots to hold different kinds of sugars. Some shaped like houses, some spaceships that lined the counter. It was much smaller than the old house. No longer a room for him. No longer a preserved space for Ben in case he ever came back to them. It was just for Han, Leia and Chewie.
“I finally met the man who lives across the hall,” she said as she walked towards the kitchen, Finn in toe. “Unusual, but a charming little bastard,” Leia continued once she knew he was latched onto her words. “Quite attractive, I swear I stood there for fifteen minutes as he rattled on. Forgot why I was even in the hallway in the first place. Which wasn’t great because I was going to a lunch meeting,” Finn grinned, making himself useful as he began slicing the already peeled potatoes. Han seemed to be ‘making himself useful’ by staring at the pan with meat in it. The pan wasn’t doing much. Leia leaned over, simply twisting a knob before continuing to prep the beans. The pan began to sizzle.
“I’m too good at this,” Han grinned, gesturing to the pan.
He sat across from Han and Leia at their dining table. He knew that it was mashed potato, pork, beans and gravy on his plate. He’d helped make it. He’d helped make it before, but somehow it felt so foreign on his fork. Leia looked up from her plate.
“Are you okay kiddo?” Han asked.
“I just… feel lost? I feel like I’m getting worse, this,” he waved his fork around, gesturing to Han and Leia’s apartment. “feels like too much,” Leia sighed.
“You’ve only been out a year and a half, I’m surprised you’re adjusting as well as you have,” she says as if it’s the most obvious thing she could’ve stated, not that he’s dumb for it, but it’s all too easy for her to say. It doesn’t feel that way.
“Are you sure?” She gives him a look.
“Have I ever been wrong?” She grins and he can’t help but smile back. He takes a mouthful of food and it’s even better than he remembered. They ate in relative silence until Han began to regale his story of great adventure as he apparently had dealt with an asshole from Wall Street. Finn laughed, somewhere in the back of his head niggling in wonder at how he hadn’t been charged with some form of assault in all these years. It of course ended with his daring escape. How he was still pulling the same antics at his age. He’d been told many, many stories of his escapades during his asylum at theirs. Knowing the man now, he couldn’t believe how shocked he’d been to learn that the man had actively taken cops on a goose chase during a riot, just for the hell of it. Now it was just another Wednesday.
That’s how they met. Leia had been his lawyer after finally getting caught after taunting officers, then proceeding to get caught with a small baggy of weed. Leia got him off and he’d been smitten, nearly trying to get arrested again for her attention before she realised the idiot of a man was serious about how he liked her.
Leaving dinner was a sad occasion that he wished he didn’t have to do. He secretly hoped he’d fall violently ill and just be let to lay on the couch. As they hugged, he gripped both of them tightly. The stress was still there even as they let go. Finally, after the goodbyes, the door closed behind him. Still, he stood there. Unmoving. Just staring at the door. He didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want to walk the new York street alone, he didn’t want to end up in his apartment alone and he didn’t want to do this all again the next day. Finn groaned, letting himself crumple on the wall.
“You good there?” a cheery voice asked. He whipped around, eyes wide and staring at the stranger. A couple of feet away stood a man who by all accounts was gorgeous that any panic in Finn’s brain short-circuited. He stood there, smiling wider than anyone he’d known, even flashing the gaps where many others would be self-conscious. Then he noticed that the man was carrying multiple bags and a huge thing of cat food propped up on his hip.
“You need help?” Finn offered, instead of answering him. The man gave him a look. The teeth weren’t the only thing that stood out about him. Scarring trailed along his temples, disappearing into his lush dark curly hair that framed his classically handsome face.
“Were you at Leia and Han’s? You must be Finn!” He said, ignoring Finn’s confused face. He solved the how when he continued towards his apartment door which was immediately across from him, letting his bags crash to the floor.
“Oh! You’re the charming little bastard!” he said before his brain could catch what he was saying. He didn’t seem phased, seemingly proud as he cocked his hip. His wide friendly smile turned into more of a grin.
“Well it’s Poe, but I’ll take it,” Finn laughed, attempting to hide the embarrassment tickling the back of his neck.
“I didn’t mean to say that,” he muttered, attempting to rub the feeling away.
“Hey, I’m proud of my status. I’m a gorgeous, charming, bastard. If there was a badge I’d wear it with honour,” Poe said, placing his hand on his shoulder and giving him a little comforting shake. It was odd. Noticing the lack of a couple of digits. He wanted to ask, but luckily he caught himself.
“Wow, never met someone so sure of themselves,”
“If you want to get somewhere in life, you gotta be buddy,” The words shot an icy pain through his chest. He smiled, hoping it wasn’t obvious, but the man seemed to catch on.
“I’m sure you’ll figure out that stuff. It’ll happen,”
“I can’t even do the simplest things without freaking out,” Finn laughed, Poe gave him a good look. What was it with people reading him so easily?
“Like what?” it was clear there was something going through Poe’s head and Finn was cautious.
“… like today, going to the store and making small talk to the clerk when I get something,”
“Wait wait wait,” Poe made a gesture of stop with his hands, which confused him even more. “You just gave me three things. Did you go to the store?” he stared at Finn.
“…Yes?” Poe’s face lit up. Like it was a marvel.
“Did you have to get dressed to do that?” Finn just looked at the man who was clearly insane.
“Yes, unless that’s a thing you can do that I was unaware of?” Poe just waved him off.
“Doesn’t matter. Did you leave your place?”
“Of course!”
“Did you buy anything?”
“What is with these questions, man?” Finn sighed, albeit a little annoyed with Poe already.
“So, the only thing you didn’t do was small talk?”
“Yes! That was what I wanted to do!” Poe broke out into laughter, head reared back. His hand firmly on Finn’s shoulder. He’d been talking to a mad man. Finn just stared, waiting for the man to give him any clue as to what he was on about.
“Finn, buddy. What I’m hearing is you managed to do four things, missed one because you’d already done four stressful things and then came to Han and Leia’s and then talked to a complete stranger in a hallway! Buddy, you’re on fire,” Oh. He really hadn’t thought about it like that.
“But…”
“Nope, shush. No buts. I’ve just met you and I’m proud of you,” a burst of warmth spread through his body.
“Oh, thank you,” Poe smiled.
“No problemo. If you need any help with anything at all. Do not hesitate to call me up alright? Even if it’s coming with you to a store and chatting up a clerk so you feel comfortable saying something too,”
“Really?” Poe was already pulling out his phone, tapping a couple of things before handing him a contact with his number on it. Finn pulled his out and put Poe’s number in it.
“Alright, I’d love to keep talking but I’ve got a hungry cat and a place to be. Text me when you get home though,” Poe just winked as he turned to let himself into his apartment.
“Yep, bye,” dazed, he moved towards the elevator. Only once he was at his apartment did he realise he’d made it home.