Work Text:
The hot water of the shower does not wash the feelings away, but the distance is helping him compartmentalize them and get his head on straight. There’s no way in hell he wants to stop being physical with Iwaizumi, and if he can’t deal with the feelings part of it then he’ll just ignore the feelings part of it!
That always works, right?
He stays in the shower too long – he knows he stays in the shower too long. He doesn’t want to hurt Iwaizumi by hiding, but it just takes a while for him to get himself sorted.
He wants to keep doing what they’re doing. He doesn’t necessarily need to be emotionally vulnerable to keep having super hot sex with his muscly best friend! He’s never needed to be emotionally vulnerable to have hot sex before! If anything, the fact that it’s Iwa-chan means he doesn’t even have to worry about the emotional side of things, because Iwa-chan already knows him.
His heart doesn’t throb at the idea of Iwaizumi knowing him completely.
Honestly, the reason this shower is taking so long is because now he has to deal with the mortification of figuring out what to say after basically running away like that. He could try to brush it off, but Iwa-chan knows, Iwa-chan always knows, and if the last week is any indication he’s going to want to talk about it.
And Oikawa doesn’t know what to say in that conversation. He doesn’t know how to explain the roil of feelings that have taken up residence in his chest, and he’s entirely unwilling to explain his jumbled thoughts on the matter that just go in circles and refuse to come up with an answer.
He can’t catch feelings for Iwaizumi. He can’t lose his best friend. He doesn’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t want to hurt him with his indecisiveness and his inability to be vulnerable. He doesn’t want to hurt him by just breaking it off. He doesn’t WANT to just break it off. He doesn’t want to stop what they’re doing. He doesn’t want to lose Iwaizumi on top of him and under him, and he desperately still wants to fuck him, to be held by him, to receive those incredible kisses. He wants everything Iwaizumi will give him. Iwaizumi deserves to get everything back. He can’t give him everything back – he can’t catch feelings for Iwaizumi! He can’t lose his best friend. He doesn’t want to hurt him.
It’s entirely too much, and he can’t think about it anymore. And he’s NOT going to tell Iwa-chan any of that. But he also can’t stay in here until the water runs cold and leave nothing for Iwaizumi, so he (mostly) successfully pushes his unhelpful thoughts away to think.
How can he deflect the conversation Iwaizumi’s going to try to start? Without making it super obvious to the person who knows him too well that he’s deflecting...
Iwaizumi kind of knew what he was in for. He thought. The whole ‘not friends with benefits but still the kind of friends who have sex’ thing – he thought he was prepared for it, he thought he mostly knew what it would be like. It would be just him and Oikawa fooling around. It would be hot, and comfortable, and temporary, and maybe he might have to deal with new feelings for Oikawa.
He just didn’t expect it to get so goddamn confusing so quickly. One minute Oikawa is begging him to fuck him, and the next he’s stiff and awkward and hiding in the shower for forty minutes.
The longer the shower lasts, the tighter the lump in Iwaizumi’s throat gets. He fights against the urge to pace nervously by twisting at the hem of his shirt and picking up his phone for a few seconds at a time only to toss it aside again because he can’t focus.
He keeps trying to come up with an explanation.
Did he do something? Was it too much? It wasn’t anything new, but this time they were naked – but Oikawa was the one who demanded they remove their clothes. Even so, Oikawa has a habit of biting off more than he can chew, so maybe seeing his best friend naked was going too far, and Iwaizumi just didn’t think to stop it because he was so turned on.
His mind keeps suggesting maybe Oikawa stiffened up like that because he was thinking about someone else. But he keeps turning that thought down because Oikawa always tells him when he seeing someone new, or crushing on someone new, or when he sees someone hot walking down the street. He can’t help himself, it’s like a disease. He always tells Iwaizumi, so it’s not even worth thinking about, no matter how much his brain wants to make him worry.
Maybe he hated it. Maybe he doesn’t want Iwaizumi anymore. Maybe seeing Iwaizumi naked turned him off. Maybe it was too much too fast. Maybe he’s having second thoughts about fucking his best friend. Maybe… he just hated the feeling of come on his bare stomach even more than he hated it on his shirt.
He could think about it for days and not know why. The only way he’s going to get any peace of mind is if he asks Oikawa directly. And, he’s scared. He’s scared it’s something that’s a big deal. He’s scared Oikawa won’t tell him what it is and he’ll just worry forever. And mostly, he’s scared he’s going to lose his best friend.
An exorbitant cloud of steam follows him through the bathroom door.
“Whew! Sorry, Iwa-chan, I think I used most of your hot water. Your shower is going to have to be shorter than mine, which is unfortunate because that was a very nice shower!”
He stops and a pit settles in his stomach when he sees Iwaizumi’s face. Instead of impassive, or angry, he looks… worried. Sad. Nervous.
Fuck, he knew he stayed in the shower too long.
It’s all out the window.
He’s next to him in an instant, sitting too close, pulling one of his hands into his own.
“Oh, Iwa-chan, no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I shouldn’t have stayed in the shower so long – I just, had some thinking to do.”
Iwaizumi breathes for a moment. Doesn’t really look at him.
“...What about? Was it… bad?” Did I do something?
“No, Iwa-chan, you were perfect. I just…”
Fuck, what can he tell him that is true without revealing everything?
“I, I just, sometimes, after… sex… I get kind of in my head about stuff, and I just need a minute. Alone. To, uh, to get back out of my head. It’s not you, it wasn’t bad, I have no regrets, I just… I just… sometimes I just need a minute.”
He sags his head against Iwa’s shoulder in defeat. Even that admission is, frankly, fucking embarrassing. He’s never tried to explain this before. The things he does for love Iwaizumi.
Iwaizumi lets the silence hang between them for a long moment. Oikawa fucking hates it when he does that, it sets his anxiety on high alert, but after so many years he’s learned that Iwaizumi doesn’t use silence to keep him talking. Sometimes even Iwa-chan just needs a minute before replying. So he tamps down his growing anxiety and tries not to let his hand shake where it’s still intertwined with Iwa’s.
Finally, Iwaizumi takes a large breath and actually looks at him. Gives him a little smile – genuine, not sad.
“Okay, Tooru. I can give you space when you need it. But, just, remember that you can talk to me? Even though this time it’s me you’re... with... you can still, talk to me, like you always do. We’re best friends. I’m here for you.”
Fuck Iwa-chan. Those words are bringing all kinds of emotions to the surface that Oikawa Tooru JUST decided he was not ready to handle! But if he starts to think about it at all right now he will cry and it will makes things even more complicated.
Iwaizumi is fucking lucky that Oikawa is so goddamn good at this.
He hesitates for only a moment, blinking to keep back his tears, his emotions. Then he does what he always does and plasters on a bright smile, hugging Iwaizumi’s side and snuggling his face against his arm. “Awww, thanks Iwa-chan! I’m so lucky to have such a manly and understanding best friend!”
Iwaizumi snorts and shoves his head away, and the tension is broken. “Shut up, ’kawa.”