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Kagura didn’t even realize it was a crush at first. She just liked Zura. He was Gintoki’s friend and he was both hot and pretty and he was sweet and he adored Sadaharu and he was funny and cute and also really strong. Why wouldn’t she like him?

When he’d disappeared and Elizabeth had come to them thinking he might have been killed by the Tsujigiri, she wasn’t worried at first because there was no way he’d die. But then Sadaharu traced his scent to that ship with the guy who smelled dangerous like she hadn’t smelled anyone smell who wasn’t a Yato, and Zura was nowhere to be found and maybe she started to worry. She liked him, after all. Why wouldn’t she be worried that he may have died?

But it turned out he’d just tricked them, and she was mad, because he’d made her worry. And Shinpachi was angry, too, because Shinpachi also liked Zura. Who didn’t like Zura? Aside from the government people since he was a terrorist.

So Kagura really didn’t get why Shinpachi and Gin got angry when they saw her tugging on Katsura’s hair. She’d never seen him with short hair, only with long hair, and it was cute. And while she was looking at him with short hair she also saw that his eyes were a really interesting color, not just brown but also kind of green.

But then Shinpachi was yelling and tugging her away, asking her what the hell she was doing, and Gin was yelling at Zura and prodding him in the chest and pushing him away, asking him what the hell he’d been doing getting that close to her, and Kagura was pissed. She’d just been looking at his eyes and hair, and he’d just been letting her. What was so wrong about that?

“He’s twice as old as you!” Shinpachi shouted at her. “He’s literally Gin-san’s age!”

“He doesn’t look that old,” Kagura said. “And what does it matter, anyway? No matter how old he is he’s still got pretty hair and eyes, uh-huh.”

“You can’t just get that close to his face like that!” Shinpachi shouted. “Don’t you realize how that looks?!”

“How does it look?” Kagura said. “Like I’m going to punch him?”

“Like-like—” Shinpachi stammered, his face red. “Like he’s going to kiss you!”

Kagura blinked at him. “He wasn’t,” she said.

“But that’s what it looked like!” Shinpachi shouted.

“So what?” Kagura said, picking her nose.

“It’s just wrong!” Shinpachi shouted.

“Nuh-uh, you’re the one’s wrong, uh-huh,” Kagura said. “Get outta my face, Shinpachi, you’re not as pretty as Zura and you don’t smell as nice.”

Shinpachi, his face red, stuttered, shook, opened and closed his mouth, struggled for words as Kagura looked on dispassionately. It was his problem, not hers, if he was getting upset over something stupid.

Gin stalked over, also flushed in the face, and said, “Come on, we’re leaving that idiot and going.”

Kagura walked up to him, reached up to tug on his hair and stare into his red-brown eyes.

“Not as soft or as pretty as Zura’s,” she concluded. “You and Shinpachi just jealous, uh-huh.”

Gin pushed her away. “Get out of my face, Kagura,” he said. “Your breath stinks.” But neither he nor Shinpachi freaked out saying it was ‘wrong’ like they had with Zura, so she concluded that they really were just jealous.

Really, Zura was nicer than them, too. Idiots.

Katsura had hated Amanto with a passion and with extreme prejudice. Until Elizabeth, of course.

But even before Elizabeth, there had been Kagura.

Kagura was the first one to make Katsura realize that Amanto weren’t all bad. Kagura was just a kid. She was cute, charming, guileless, impressively strong. Someone would have to have something seriously wrong with them to not like Kagura, no matter that she was Amanto.

She opened Katsura’s eyes, made him soften. He really couldn’t help but like her. She had great ideas and she went along with his in a way that nobody else did. Told him so confidently that she would the leader, like Gintoki had once told him that he would be the general so he should just be Zura.

She was a lot like a mini Gintoki, as if she were his little sister, and Katsura liked her.

When she tugged him down by his cut hair and told him he looked cute like that, he didn’t really know how to respond. But it wasn’t like he was going to hurt her by pushing her away. And it was sort of hard to look away from her blue eyes when she looked at him like that.

“I like having long hair better,” he told her. The short hair was really bothering him.

Of course then Shinpachi was pulling her away and Gintoki was in his face, prodding him back and asking him what the hell was wrong with him, she was half his age, stay the hell away from her, and Katsura was just confused.

She was just a kid, and she’d been curious. It wasn’t anything to get so upset about. He hadn’t looked at her mouth or anything. She just had incredibly blue eyes that had been so genuinely intrigued. He tried to explain, but Gintoki jabbed him some more and accused him of blushing, and yeah, maybe Katsura’s face had heated a little, but that was just because he was uncomfortable being stared at that closely, wouldn’t anybody be? Especially with his hair short like he wasn’t comfortable with. It was embarrassing.

But, well, it’s not like he could blame Gintoki for being protective of her. She was like a little sister to him, after all. The misunderstanding of the situation just kind of irked Katsura. Gintoki should know him better.

Well, whatever. Gintoki would see that there was no interest like that between them. She was just a kid, and Katsura just liked her, like he would like the cute kid sister of his good friend.

The only thing that was weird about him liking her was that she was an Amanto, and he hated the Amanto. But not her.

Kagura really liked Zura. He had a kind of agelessness to him, youthful face but wise eyes, such that it suited him both when he acted like a kid and when he acted like a sage. Although he was the same age as Gintoki he neither looked nor acted anywhere near as old. His wisdom, when it showed through, was not that of an old man, but of someone noble.

He was mature, but he was also silly, in a way that was terribly endearing to Kagura. Like the way he called her Leader and gone along with her idea to be a curry ninja, even pretending to die when he spilled it, letting her pull him into her arms and pretend to mourn him.

Zura was just fun, and Kagura liked him.

Of course, it also didn’t hurt that he was nice to look at. Girls were always more attractive than guys, but Zura was the one guy who was right there with them. And of course it also didn’t hurt that he adored Sadaharu more than anyone except Kagura herself.

Really, aside from the princess, there probably wasn’t anyone who annoyed Kagura as little as Zura. She liked the way it felt like he would both always be willing to go along with her and also be able to keep up with her.

Shinpachi and Gintoki were like brothers to her, but Zura was like… well, someone older than her who she liked.

It was Princess Soyo who introduced Kagura to the word ‘crush’, and Kagura thought the word was weird.

“Have you ever had a crush on someone?” Soyo asked.

“Sure, I’ve crushed lots of people,” Kagura said.

“No, like, when you like someone,” Soyo said. “Like-like someone.”

“I like lots of people,” Kagura said. “But that doesn’t make me want to crush them. Except sometimes Gin-chan when he’s mean.”

“No, a crush is special,” Soyo said. “Like you really admire them, they make you feel warm and make your heart beat faster and you feel sort of shy around them and want to interact with them and have them look at you. It’s not that you want to crush them, but like, if they don’t pay attention to you, then you feel crushed.”

“I’m too strong,” Kagura said, “nobody can crush me, uh-huh.”

Or so she’d thought, until she sees Gin kiss Zura, and then she does feel crushed, and she doesn’t understand it.

Katsura really does like Kagura, despite her being an Amanto. It’s sweet the way she and Shinpachi care for Gintoki and Gintoki cares for them in return. It’s inspiring and heartwarming to see them all caring for each other like that. It helps Katsura believe that there are better ways to reformation than just destroying everything. The stark difference between the family that Gintoki has built and the kind of life that Takasugi has fallen into, sacrificing his followers without a care, wanting nothing more than to destroy everything.

But Gintoki will fight to protect, and so will Shinpachi and Kagura. They’re good kids, both of them. He just so happens to get along better with Kagura. She’s fun and wild and unrestrained, a real free spirit, and those are ever so rare in the world. He admires her as much as he adores her. She’s definitely worth of the title ‘Leader.’ He doesn’t mind letting her boss him around. It’s endearing.

If sometimes he notices her gaze on him, he doesn’t really think anything of it. He’s used to the stares, being someone who walks the appearance line between male and female. He knows he’s unusual but he likes the way that he is. If the stares made him uncomfortable he’d cut his hair.

Gintoki gets snappish and glares sometimes, but he’s always been like that. Katsura doesn’t understand what’s going on when Gintoki suddenly grabs him by the collar and kisses him. He’s too stunned to react and after a moment Gintoki pulls back.

“Gintoki-kun?” Katsura asks, frowning slightly. “What’s this about?”

“If you’re mine, then there can’t be anything between you and her,” Gintoki says. Katsura’s eyes land on Kagura, whose staring at them both with wide eyes, and then he looks back at Gintoki and says, “I don’t follow.” Any kid would be weirded out seeing their guardian figure suddenly kiss a guy they know.

“Don’t play the fool, Zura,” Gintoki hisses. “You know that she likes you. Stop playing with her heart.”

Katsura’s frown deepends. “It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” he says. “And I really don’t know what you’re talking about."

Gintoki growls and leans in to kiss him again but Katsura pushes him away. “Don’t disturb your kids, Gintoki,” he says. “And I’m not a woman. If you’re feeling horny, go to Yoshiwara.” There’s a bitter darkness curling in his gut. He hadn’t thought that Gintoki, of all people, would be like this.

“This isn’t like that,” Gintoki says.

“You shouldn’t kiss someone without permission, Gintoki,” Katsura says. “No matter who they are.” He turns to leave. Bitter, bitter, dark.

It’s not right of Gintoki to play with his feelings like that. Katsura knows that he has a tendency to fall for his friends, but he’s been far more careful since Takasugi. He knows that he’s never let it show that he ever has such thoughts about Gintoki. And he knows that Gintoki doesn’t feel that way about him.

Damn it, he just wants to keep his friends and not lose any of them again.

So even though Gintoki carelessly kissed him, Katsura will be back, he knows.

Damn him. And damn Gintoki and his kids, too.

“I’m crushed,” Kagura says to Soyo.

“What happened?” Soyo asks, brown eyes concerned. They don’t have green like Katsura’s, they’re deeper, darker.

“Gin-chan kissed Zura,” Kagura says. She feels upset, sick and like crying and she doesn’t understand it.

Soyo looks at her, pursing her lips. “Are you jealous of Gin-chan, or jealous of this Zura?” she asks.

Kagura frowns. “How should I know?” she says. “And whoever said I was jealous? I just said that I’m crushed.”

“Well,” Soyo says carefully, “are you crushed from Gin-chan kissing Zura because you wish that Gin-chan had kissed you, or because you wish that you were the one to kiss Zura?”

“No way would I want Gin-chan to kiss me, that would be gross,” Kagura says, pulling a face. “That would be like getting kissed by Shinpachi or my brother. Ew.”

“So it’s Zura, then?” Soyo says.

Kagura furrows her brow. “I’ve never thought about kissing him,” she says. “But I guess… I mean, I like him? And his lips look soft, like a girl’s, so. He’d probably be nice to kiss, unlike Gin-chan. But it’s not like I’ve ever thought about it? I just… didn’t like that Gin-chan kissed him. Is that what it means to have a crush? Because I don’t understand why I feel crushed, otherwise.”

Soyo is quiet. “That sounds difficult,” she says finally, “realizing your feelings in such a way.”

“I don’t even know what I’m feeling,” Kagura laments. “I just don’t think it’s fair that Gin-chan should get him when Zura obviously likes me better. He doesn’t call Gin-chan ‘Leader’.”

“This Zura must be very cool, if you like him that much,” Soyo says.

“I guess,” Kagura says noncommittally. “I mean, he’s just kind of everything, y’know?”

“That sounds like being in love,” Soyo smiles.

“You’d know?” Kagura asks, looking at her.

“I have a crush, too,” Soyo says, holding her gaze, but her brown eyes seem sad.

“Who?” Kagura asks. “If they make you sad I’ll beat them up for you.”

Soyo just shakes her head, smiling slightly. “I don’t want to say,” she says. “And it’s okay. They don’t deserve to be beaten up.”

“Anyone who makes you sad definitely deserves to beaten up,” Kagura states. Soyo just smiles.

“Thank you, Kagura,” she says. There’s an impish light in her brown eyes. “I’m still not telling you, though.”

“Meanie,” Kagura says. “I told you mine.”

“I don’t know who Zura is,” Soyo points out.

“Well, since you’re keeping a secret from me, then I’m gonna keep a secret from you, too,” Kagura says.

“That’s fair,” Soyo agrees.

“A crush, huh,” Kagura murmurs to herself. “No wonder they’re called that.”

“Do you have a crush on Zura, Gin-chan?” Kagura asks him.

“Huh?” Gin says, not looking away from his JUMP.

“You kissed Zura,” Kagura says. “Is that because you have a crush on him?”

“I kissed Zura because I wanted to,” Gin says. “Simple as that.”

“He didn’t look happy about it,” Kagura says.

“Yes, well,” Gin says. “Apparently you’re not supposed to kiss someone without their permission. Remember that okay, Kagura-chan? If you want to kiss someone, ask them first. And don’t let anyone else kiss you without asking, either.”

“Then why’d you do it, then?” Kagura asks.

“I made a mistake, okay?” Gin says, finally lowering the JUMP he hasn’t actually been reading to look at her with tired red-brown eyes. “But hey, since I’ve made the mistake already, now you don’t have to.” He raises the JUMP back above him and moves his gaze to it again. “You’re welcome.”

Kagura grabs the JUMP out of his hands.

“Oi!” Gin yelps, sitting up and reaching for it. “Give it back!”

Kagura keeps the JUMP out of his reach. “This is what it feels like to have your crush stolen from you,” she informs him, and rips the book apart with her hands, flinging it so that the pages flutter everywhere around the room as she stomps out.

“Look,” Gin tries to tell her, “you can’t have a crush on Zura, okay? He’s twice as old as you.”

“So what?” Kagura snaps. “I’m at least twice as strong as him. What does it matter? I can’t like someone just because they’re older than me?”

“You’re fourteen!” Gin says.

“So I’m too young to like someone?!” Kagura demands.

“It’s not right—” Gin starts.

“I just liked him!” Kagura shouts. “You’re the one who went and kissed him, Gin-chan! And now he hasn’t come see us again! I never did anything but like him!”

“But if he took advantage—” Gin starts.

“I know how to take care of myself,” Kagura says darkly. “And Zura’s a good person.” She turns on her heel. “A better person than you, idiot.”

Katsura pretends that Gintoki kissing him never happened. He stays away for a while until his emotions have been successfully brushed under the rug, and then he turns up again acting the same as always. Gintoki, mercifully, also pretends that it never happened.

Kagura, though, is looking at him different and addressing him in a different tone, and there’s some kind of tension between her and Gintoki, and it all makes Katsura feel uncomfortable. He laughs it off and pretends he doesn’t notice anything.

Maybe he’d really better not go to the Yorozuya unless absolutely necessary.

Eventually the tension more or less fades and it’s easier for Katsura to ignore and not think about. Which is good, because he has enough to deal with as it is, trying to take down the Bakufu. And then there ends up being everything with Utsuro. There really isn’t time to think about other things.

Katsura still likes Gintoki and he still likes Kagura, despite the way that the things he refuses to think about hurt.

It really is hard to hold onto your friends.

Kagura is nineteen when she comes back to Earth from her bounty hunting in space and encounters Zura again. He’s in his thirties, but he doesn’t look that old.

“Zura,” she greets.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” he returns. “Kagura.”

She smiles slightly.

Even now, she still likes him. Even traveling the universe as she has, she still hasn’t found anyone who both went along with and kept up with her the way Zura always had.

She steps close to him, and he looks down at her, olive green-brown eyes impassive.

She and Gin really messed things up with him. She still feels bitter about that. It wasn’t like it was his fault that she liked him.

“Can I kiss you,” she asks him, “just once?”

He gazes at her for a long moment, and then he relents, “Just once.”

So she stands up slightly on her toes, places a hand against the side of his delicate face and kisses him, and he kisses her slowly, softly back.

It is not really love, but it is a kind of understanding. A request for forgiveness and the giving of it.

They pull back and her hand slips from his face, his from her waist.

They share a few words, more or less inconsequential, and then they go their separate ways, their paths not likely to cross very often again.

It was just feelings, what they had for each other. Not necessarily romantic or sexual, but feelings.

It was just feelings.

In all his avoiding thinking about things, Katsura did eventually figure out more or less what had happened. That Kagura had had a crush on him and Gintoki had gotten protective and ended up making things more awkward.

It’s not like they would ever have ended up in a relationship. A bit of puppy love was more or less harmless, although Katsura has certainly experienced his fair share of pain from loving people he shouldn’t. Wondering why it is he always had to fall in love with his friends. Why couldn’t he ever have fallen in love with a stranger? It surely wouldn’t have hurt so much, then.

Kagura is different, when he eventually sees her again. She’s not the kid he knew, but has grown, become a woman. He doesn’t feel like he knows the person she is now, and he understands that there is nothing between them even as he kisses her; he has never fallen in love with a stranger. But still he does not hate her, despite her being an Amanto.

She asked to kiss him, just once, so he lets her, for the memories. As a form of closure.

He’d always liked her. It had never really been anything more than that. Just fondness, and gratitude for saving him from a blind prejudice.

He does not know this beautiful Amanto stranger, but he can look at her with open, nonjudgmental eyes.