Work Text:
Seven || ilgop sal
Johnny was seven when he first met him. He was spending his summer at his grandparents' hometown, an airplane ride away from home. He was being an independent kid and decided he was a big boy enough to wander around behind his grandparents' house which is surrounded by the woods, the closest house a few hundred meters away.
He didn't stray off too far. He made sure he could still see the picket fence from where he is and traces back his steps when he loses sight of it.
He was drawing a cat with a stick on the dry ground when he hears a thud, followed by glass breaking. He looks around and sees nothing in his close proximity so he ignores it and went back to drawing whiskers on his masterpiece. He was inspecting his finished work when he hears sniffles.
The little voice in his head says he should run back to the house but his feet take him where the sound is coming from. His eyes grow wide when he sees a little boy crying in his shirt sleeve, trying to touch his bruised knee. A broken honey jar is a couple of steps away from him, a beetle slowly making its way from the scene.
“Are you okay?” Johnny asks in his small voice.
The other boy jumps a little at the intrusion but didn’t stop his crying.
He walks over to the crying boy and helped him get up.
"Does it hurt a lot?" He asks.
The other just looks up at him with a pout, tears slowly coming to a halt.
Johnny then realizes he's been talking in English so he tries to remember the Korean version of what he wanted to ask.
“Are you okay?”
The boy in front of him tries to smile a little before nodding his head, then frowns again when eyes the broken jar now.
“Beetle..”
Johnny, although not really understanding what the other said assumed he was talking about the harmless insect so he picks the beetle up and lays it in the palm of his hand before showing it to the other.
"It's fine. The jar is broken though. How are you gonna take this little guy home?"
The other just stares at him again as if he was an alien or something (perhaps the other kid thinks he does, considering how he might sound to the other speaking in a language different from his).
“Does it hurt a lot?" he asks as he remembers his mom would normally ask him when he hurts himself from playing.
The little boy bends down a little to look at his knee. It stopped bleeding, at least.
“Johnny? Oh?”
Johnny turns his head to see his dad walking over to them.
“What do we have here?” the elder asked.
“He hurt his knee, dad. Can we patch him up?”
His father looked at him fondly, nodding his head.
“Of course, we can, son.”
Johnny watched as his dad squats in front of the other kid and smiles softly at him.
“Do you think you can walk? We have to take care of that,”
The boy looks at the man with wide eyes, then at Johnny, then back to the man.
“It’s okay. I won’t hurt you. I’m a nice ahjussi. This is Johnny, my son. What’s your name?”
“Taeil..” the boy whispers.
“Taeil.. that’s a very pretty name,”
Johnny watches as a shy smile appears on the other boy’s face.
“Come on Taeil-ah. We’ll patch you up, get you and Johnny some snacks, and then we’ll take you home,”
“Ahjusshi knows where I live?”
Johnny can only watch as the exchange happens between his dad and the other boy. He would understand a few words but not enough to know what was going on.
His father smiles before he answers.
“You must be a Moon kid. Your dad is a friend of mine from a long time ago.”
Johnny’s dad carried Taeil on his back while Johnny leads the way back to the house. As promised, there’s a snack waiting for them after they took care of Taeil’s knee in the bathroom. Mr. Suh made sure to disinfect the wound first, Johnny rubbing Taeil’s arm when he hisses from the pain, tears rolling down his chubby little cheeks.
“Dad do you know where he lives?” Johnny asks when his dad instructed him to get Taeil’s things (a fanny pack, a baseball cap, and a new jar for his little friend).
“His dad and I were friends when we were your age,” the elder smiled fondly at him before securing the fanny pack around Taeil’s little waist.
The rest of the summer was spent looking for insects and bugs with Taeil. They don’t talk that much because of the communication gap but Johnny made sure he learns the Korean words for all the bugs and insects he could think of.
Ten || yeol sal
Johnny was ten years old when he went back to visit his grandparents. His father’s work has to send him abroad for the whole summer while his mom has to go back to Chicago until she’s done with the project she’s working on. His parents stayed with him at his grandparents’ for a week before they had to fly back separately.
He wasn’t too happy at the thought of his parents leaving him but he was also looking forward to seeing the boy he befriended three years ago.
There was no way for them to get in touch directly, but his dad would show him pictures Taeil’s dad would send him from time to time. If there was anything good that came out of that encounter, it was their dads reuniting after decades of not seeing each other. There were a couple of times when they shyly said “hi” to each other when Johnny’s dad was talking to Taeil’s dad when he came home from school. Taeil’s family was in Canada for a short trip so their time zones were not that far off. Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop by Chicago as the trip will only last two weeks, and most of the trip is business-related.
An empty jar in hand, Johnny walks to the back of his grandparents’ home to where he first saw Taeil. He wanted to look for the other boy’s house but he couldn’t remember the way, especially when they drove him back. He spends his afternoon looking for beetles to pass time. As the clock ticks and the sky slowly turn dark, his mood changes with it. He counted the beetles one by one as he sets them back to the ground. He caught 8 of them.
The rest of the summer he spend moping, his grandparents didn’t know what to do with him.
Thirteen || yeolse sal
Johnny didn’t know what to expect on his next visit to Korea. He felt guilty thinking how he was such a killjoy the last time he visited so he intended to show his grandparents a better version of himself this time.
He offered to help his grandfather when he mentioned that he needs to fix the fence in the backyard. It was the third day when they started with the task, he was painting the newly fixed picket fence when he heard a thud, followed by glass breaking.
He slowly stood up from his crouching position and walked over to where he thought the sound came from. A small smile slowly formed on his face.
The sight is all too familiar.
A small boy is on his knees, but instead of crying over the broken skin of his knee, he’s readjusting his eyeglasses on the slope of his nose. He reached for the broken glass next and Johnny only made his presence known after he hears a hiss.
“You really should be careful walking around carrying something that could break,”
The boy looks up and squints at him.
“It’s me, Johnny. Hi, Taeil,”
His smile was bright as he watch Taeil open his mouth, then close them.
Johnny feels disappointment quickly wash over him when he realized the other probably doesn’t even remember him. Well, it’s been five years after all.
He was about to say something to divert the conversation somewhere else when the other spoke.
“You brushed up on your Korean,”
The smile he had before slowly made its way back to his face.
“Well, I had to learn it in the academy,” which is not completely a lie. He did learn it in the academy but the thought of this boy in front of him was the main reason why he decided to really learn the language.
Johnny extends his hand which the other gratefully took. He helps as the other dust himself off.
“Come on! We’ll get you a jar for your beetles.”
He was thirteen years old when he realized Taeil was older than him.
It’s on the third week of his vacation (the third week he’s been seeing the other boy every day) when his grandfather mentioned in passing that Taeil is going to be in the last year of middle school. Johnny asks him about it the next day.
“Yes. Aren’t you the same?”
Johnny shakes his head. “No…”
“Yah! I’m hyung then? You should call me hyung!” Taeil demanded, crossing his arms over his chest for effect.
The younger scoffs. “No way! Look at you! You’re tiny!”
The elder of the two glares at him before stuttering his retort.
“Y-you’re just huge! You’ll see! I’ll grow up to be taller than you!”
“You wish! I’ll even call you hyung if you grow taller than me and do your errands for you the whole summer!”
The elder only smirks at his promise. Johnny silently wishes it doesn’t happen for real.
Seventeen || yeolilgup sal
Johnny was seventeen when he decided to start university in Korea. The decision wasn’t all that hard to make. Chicago is a great city and he loved it there but he couldn’t shake off the feeling of wanting something new. His parents were supportive when he told them about his plans.
When he told Taeil about the news, the other was just as excited as he is. The two kept in touch although they’d never seen each other again since he was thirteen. Taeil’s family moved to Seoul when he started high school and Johnny only visited his grandparents once in the last five years.
Nineteen || yeolahop sal
Johnny was nineteen when he started living alone. Sure he missed his mom’s cooking and playing basketball with his dad but he quite liked his new independent life. It wasn’t until his third week in university that he saw his childhood friend again by accident. They both knew they were going to the same university now but they never really had the time to catch up. Johnny likes to think it’s because it took him time to adjust to everything new, but then again, he wouldn’t really mind making time if it’s for Taeil.
He was getting his morning coffee at the university cafe when he saw the elder seated at a corner table. He was too excited to say hi that he didn’t notice the other guy Taeil was with.
“Johnny!”
He welcomes Taeil in his arms and gave him a tight hug. It’s been years but it was never awkward with the elder.
“Hey! It’s so good to finally see you again,” he says when he lets go of the smaller guy, a smirk playing on his face, "Taeil."
“That’s hyung for you Johnny-“
“Ah ah ah…” he answers wagging his index finger “you’re still little” he teased.
“I’m regular-sized! You’re just a giant,” the elder’s protest went in one ear and out the other.
The two were teasing each other when someone clears their throat. Only then did Johnny notice the guy now also standing on the other side of the table.
“Oh! Johnny, this is Jackson. Jackson, this is Johnny, my best friend.”
Johnny feels a sense of pride overcome him. He didn’t think Taeil considered him his best friend. They mostly talked thru text messages and sometimes would call each other so he didn’t even consider the thought of the elder seeing him as more than an acquaintance. He didn’t tell him that of course because if he’s being honest with himself, the elder has become more than just an acquaintance to him too. He tells him his innermost thoughts, some things he wouldn’t dare tell the people he spent most of his time with.
Jackson offers him a hand which he gladly shook.
“I’ve heard lots about you,”
Oh? Taeil spoke of him?
“Nice to meet you. You’re not from here too?” he asked, taking note of the other’s name.
Jackson shook his head, smiling. “I’m from Hong Kong,”
Johnny sat with them after he got his coffee. He finds the other guy pretty cool. He’s fun and he likes making fun of Taeil too but he couldn’t help but notice the fond look he throws at his friend. It was an hour later when they all decided to leave the cafe when he realized what all those looks are for. He was walking behind the two and saw how Jackson reached for Taeil’s hand, how he opened the door for him and how he didn’t let go of his friend’s hand when they were waving him goodbye.
It bothered him for a bit. He didn’t think his friend is gay.
“Well, if it’s what makes him happy then I guess it’s fine,“ he mumbles to himself, smiling.
Johnny was also nineteen when he got dumped for the first time. Seulgi is a great girl! They dated for six months but he doesn’t get why she would always pick a fight with him when Taeil is involved.
She’s always in a sour mood whenever Taeil’s name is brought up.
He hangs out with Taeil because she’s too busy? She picks a fight with him.
He mentions his best friend’s name in passing? She frowns.
It made him upset not knowing what the deal was! He would ask her why she hates him so much, but she wouldn’t give him a valid reason. It’s always “you spend too much time with him,” or “ you like him more than you like me”, all of which do not make any sense to him at all.
Why is she so jealous of Taeil? He’s his best friend! He has a boyfriend who’s always around too but he didn’t think they ever fought about him- Jackson is always so nice to him! And most of all, Johnny doesn’t even swing that way!
Twenty-one || seumulhan sal
Johnny was twenty-one when he went on a trip with Taeil, Jackson, and some of their friends when Taeyong brought up setting him up with someone he knows.
“Dude, I appreciate your concern about me not getting my dick warmed up but no thanks,” he answers incredulously when the topic came up.
“Just give her a try. She’s really nice and I know for sure she likes you!”
“Yeah Johnny, why not give it a try again? It’s been more than a while since you and Seulgi broke up. I didn’t realize you were that hung up on her,” Jackson backs Taeyong up as he runs his fingers thru his sleeping boyfriend’s hair.
“Dude, chill. I’m not hung up on her. I wasn’t even that hurt when we broke up. I just don’t really have the time anyway. I don’t want to lead her on it won’t feel right. I don’t mind getting distracted thinking of someone I actually like but it would weigh me down knowing I’m not being sincere with a girl,” he explains half the truth. He would never mention that bit where Seulgi hated Taeil for whatever reason. “I’m totally comfortable with my single ass, thank you.”
He was also twenty-one when he moved to the same apartment building where Taeil lives with Jackson. The three would hang out often and everything seems to be falling into place for him. He invited the two and their other friends to his place when he got a call about his application for the internship of his dreams telling him he passed.
Twenty-two || seumuldu sal
Taeil and Jackson broke up when he was twenty-two. Jackson had to go back home and he didn’t think they could sustain a long-distance relationship. He saw Taeil cry for the first time since they were kids.
“You must think I’m pathetic for begging..”
Johnny felt his heart squeeze in his chest. That heart-breaking look on Taeil’s face is something that shouldn’t even be there. It felt so wrong seeing him like that that he felt compelled to do something about it. What it is though, he isn’t really sure.
After two months of the elder mostly just going back to his apartment to shower and sleep, Johnny asked if he’d like to move in with him.
“It’s practical. You’re barely home and you’re paying full price. Yuta is moving in with Taeyong and Jaehyun soon so I’ll have extra room in my apartment.”
That way, he can also keep a close eye on his friend.
Twenty-three || seumulse sal
Taeil dated a lot. He dated so much that Johnny wasn’t really able to keep tabs. There were two weeks in a row that Johnny woke up to find three different guys leaving his friend’s room. When he mentioned this to his friend in passing he thinks Taeil took offense since he stopped bringing guys home. That didn’t mean he stopped going out though. He would even invite him often to meet his new “friend” but he always declined.
“Let me know if you need me to pick you up, though,” he would say instead.
Twenty-four || seumulne sal
If somebody comes up to Taeil and confronts him about sleeping around because he got dumped, he wouldn’t even try to deny it. Jackson is the love of his life. All his university years were spent with Jackson by his side. He was the happiest when he was with the Chinese man. But he left and took a big chunk of Taeil’s heart with him. He feels so empty he spends most of his time with different men hoping to forget.
At least that was the excuse. But it's been two years already and he's pretty sure he's moved on but he didn't stop anyway.
“Taeil I know you’re hurting and I really wish I could take away at least some of the pain but you’re not helping yourself heal by hanging out with different guys. Stop abusing your body that way. Please Taeil, I’m worried about you. Johnny’s worried about you,” Taeyong tells him when the younger had to get him from the bar one night, drunk out of his mind.
Well, Taeyong wasn't exactly wrong but that may or may not have been a wake-up call.
“Aren’t you going out today?”
Taeil looks away from the TV to see Johnny putting his wristwatch on. It’s the first Saturday that he decided to stay in. He woke up from his afternoon nap still feeling tired and he just knew his body was not in the mood to party.
“You’re going out?” he asked instead of answering his friend’s question. He hopes the shock is not too obvious in his voice.
“Yeah,” the younger answers him while taking his coat off the rack. “I’m meeting someone…”
“A date?” he couldn’t help but ask.
He could tell Johnny tensed up a little before bringing his hand up to scratch at his nape.
“Uh… Yuta cashed in a favor,”
“I see,” Taeil answers nodding his head slowly, “have fun, I guess?”
It shouldn’t bother him. Johnny dating, that is. His friend hasn’t dated in a long time so it truly is a mystery why instead of focusing on the movie, his thoughts are filled with how Johnny’s date was going.
Taeil watched as the clock ticks. It’s almost midnight. He was about to reach for his phone when he hears something beeping at the main door. Alarm bells ring in his head, his heart all of a sudden beating hard in his chest as he hastily got up from his lying position on the sofa.
“Fuck,” he releases a (exaggerated) sigh of relief after seeing his friend come in.
Johnny stood there, looking confused at the elder’s pale face.
“You okay there?” the younger asked.
Taeil lays back down on the sofa, bringing his arm up over his eyes, too embarrassed to look at his friend.
“Yeah, yeah.. it’s just… I heard beeping from the door and it threw me off a bit,” he explained hoping Johnny wouldn’t ask more.
How can he explain to his friend that he didn’t know their door makes that beeping sound when the security code’s being entered from the other side since he seldom stays in to find out?
“How was your date?” he asked before Johnny had the chance to say anything.
“Oh, it.. it was okay, I guess?”
Taeil thought the scrunch on the younger’s forehead was cute. Looking at Johnny now, just standing awkwardly by the door in his plain white shirt and washed jeans, leather jacket tucked in the crook of his elbow he realizes just how attractive his friend is.
“Good, then. You don’t go out much,” he isn’t sure what he meant by that.
The way Johnny raised his brow slightly had him feeling something in his stomach.
“You go out a lot,” the younger countered.
Taeil forced his eyes off of Johnny to stare at the TV. He didn’t want to entertain a certain thought. Johnny is straight, after all.
Twenty four || seumulne sal
Taeil was still twenty-four when he realized he was paying more attention to his friend for his liking. He would notice the most trivial things Johnny does that he never noticed before. Like the way he would bite his lower lip just because. Or how he needs to be doing something with his hands when he talks. The way he plays with his hair, and how his pinky seems to have a mind of its own. Taeil notices everything now and it’s just too much.
“You’re crazy, Taeil,” he mumbles to himself after another episode of thinking about his friend out of nowhere. It’s been three months since Yuta cashed in a favor and he’s been going out a lot lately. Taeil also went back to his old habits of dating random people but it was never the same. Every time he went out with someone he finds himself thinking about a certain someone that none of those dates turned into a second one.
“What did you do now?”
He almost jumps off his seat at the question. He didn’t realize how far off his mind had been that he didn't even realize his friend is back from work.
“U-uh.. n-nothing. I.. I gotta go. Y-yeah… I’ll probably be late, so… yeah..”
“Hey, are you okay?”
The worried look on Johnny’s face is something he doesn’t need right now. So he just shrugs his shoulder before practically running to the door with nothing but the clothes he's wearing.
With no actual place to go, he found himself walking to the park cursing under his breath for not taking even his wallet with him. It’s past 8 PM and he’s kinda hungry but he thinks it would be weird if he goes back to the apartment after running out stuttering after only ten minutes so he just sat on a swing, kicking the ground a little.
“There you are,”
Fuck.
“What are you doing here?” is all he could come up with.
“I was looking for you,” Johnny answered as he took the swing next to him. He would find it funny how the other had to fold himself just to sit on the swing. They’re on a kid’s playground after all.
“Why?” he asked without looking.
He didn’t have to see it to know Johnny shrugged his shoulders. It’s another one of the little things he noticed about Johnny.
“You ran off without bringing anything so I thought you couldn’t have gone far and I was right.”
Taeil turns to see a smug look on his friend’s face as if his guess was an accomplishment or something.
He hates how handsome the other is and that he’s looking at him too.
He took a deep breath and exhaled a little too loud before he got up and started to walk away hoping the other wouldn’t follow him. But of course, the universe isn’t done messing with him for the day.
“Where are you going? Is everything okay? Did I do something?”
He thought Johnny sounded a bit desperate and he doesn’t know why but he knows it could be his ears and his mind playing tricks on him so he ignored him and just continued to walk. It took him only a couple more steps before he felt the other grab at his arm, stopping him.
“Taeil.”
He jerks his hand back and didn’t miss the confused look on his friend’s face and maybe his eyes are also playing tricks on him because he thinks he saw hurt on his friend’s face when he did that.
“What’s wrong? What did I do?” Johnny asked again, confusion written all over his face.
“Nothing,”
He doesn’t know what came over him but he’s feeling overwhelmed. He feels his chest start to constrict, his whole body feels warm, he has goosebumps everywhere and he just has this huge need to get away from the other.
“Bullshit Illie! It can’t be nothing! You don’t think I notice you’ve been avoiding me this past few months?”
There he goes again, gesticulating as he speaks, biting his lip when he’s done.
Taeil didn’t know what to say to that. Well, he does. But he didn’t think speaking his mind would be a good idea.
Johnny took a careful step closer to him, slowly reaching out to touch him again, the way someone would approach a scared animal. And maybe that’s what he looks like right now, in front of his friend, a scared, pathetic, lost little animal.
“Taeil, tell me what’s wrong please?”
It may have been the pleading tone in his voice that did it to him.
“You’ve been going out a lot lately… you used to not go out much,” he answers in a small voice he knows it’s pathetic. Everything about what he said is pathetic but that’s all that slipped out of his mouth despite the hundreds of words he wanted to say.
Johnny looks more confused now than ever.
“What do you mean? I… I have to go to work, and so do you but I didn’t think that would be a problem-“
“That’s not the problem, Johnny!” the scared, pathetic, lost little animal in him is still there but it’s more desperate now.
“I, I think I’m in love with you. Don’t ask me anything about it and I don’t want you to say anything about it either! I don’t need you to say anything I know it’s pathetic I know you won’t ever feel the same for me and I really don’t want this to ruin what we have but,” he chuckles bitterly as he tried to breathe, “I may have done that anyway. I tried Johnny. I tried so hard to stop thinking about it, to stop whatever this is I'm feeling for you but I see you every day and I-“
Twenty-four || seumulne sal
“You don’t go out much. You used to go out a lot,”
Johnny was also twenty-four when Taeil confessed his feelings for him, although unintentionally. He knew the other guy has been avoiding him and he’s been meaning to ask him what was happening but he never, not in a million years thought this was the reason for it. He has to admit he would sometimes catch the other looking at him but Taeil is often in a daze for him to give it any meaning.
“What?” the elder asked, confused at his words.
“You don’t go out much. You used to go out a lot,” he repeated.
“Well, it’s not for the lack of trying I can assure you that. I just couldn’t stay out for so long, not when I’m thinking about you when I’m out with someone else,”
Johnny’s head was filled with so many thoughts he doesn’t know how to string his words. All he knows is that some of the words that kept repeating in his head were the ones Seulgi told him when they broke up. You spend too much time with him. You like him more than you like me.
Could that be it? Was he unconsciously in love with Taeil all this time? Was that the reason why it didn't hurt much when Seulgi broke up with him? Because he wasn’t that invested with her anyway? Was that why he was comfortable being single all this time? Because if it’s not Taeil then he doesn’t want anyone else?
Was that the reason why seeing Taeil cry endless tears when Jackson broke up with him hurt him too? Because he used to only tend to the elder’s scraped knees when they were younger and then some fifteen years later his friend would come to him with a broken heart instead of just a broken skin because of someone else?
All these thoughts are overwhelming him but he thinks it’s making sense too. Taeil has been in his life for most of his life now that he didn't even realize the difference between having him as a close friend and as someone more than that.
“Look, I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I didn’t know when it happened or how it happened but I’ll be fine, I promise. I just… I just need time to fix myself and get over you and we’ll go back to normal if you think you can still accept me as a friend after this-“
“No, Taeil. I don’t want to be your friend.”
He watched as his friend’s face crumble at his word. When tears started to flow uncontrollably in his friend’s beautiful eyes. The elder brought his hands up to cover his face, shaking his head, saying I’m sorry over and over and it hurts. It hurts Johnny so much seeing the other cry his heart out and that he was the reason for it. Because his words came out that way.
Johnny grabs Taeil by the shoulder and wrapped his strong arms around him afterward.
“I’m sorry, Illie that did not come out right,” he whispers in the smaller man’s ear, kissing his temple.
Taeil continues to sob in his arms, shaking his head, his whole body shaking too, from crying.
“You can still come to me with your bruised knees and broken jars. But not with a broken heart..." he soothes Taeil by running his hand over his back.
"What I'm trying to say is... I don’t think I just want to be your friend anymore.”