Archive of Our Own

i. looking like a photograph

The road stretched out before them, all compact dirt and jagged rock walls, thick forest and sheer cliff faces, twists and turns and steady downwards slopes.

It was all there, months of hard work laid out under golden lights and the endless night sky, and yet—

“It doesn’t seem real,” Kojiro breathed, jaw slack as he gazed at Crazy Rock, the skating course he’d always thought would only ever be a dream— the far flung fantasy of teenage boys with nothing better to do.

He snapped his jaw shut after he spoke, realizing he probably looked like an idiot with his mouth hanging open and reverence dripping from his words, but a sideways glance at his companions revealed there was no point. They were just as awestruck as him, it seemed. 

Adam’s awe was subtler, showing only in the glimmer in his eyes and the upwards slant of his lips, but Kaoru’s—

Kaoru’s was something to behold. 

He seemed to be glowing in the light from the lampposts, the golden light catching on his piercings and the tips of his hair and making them shine like fire. A soft pink flush that matched his hair had risen to his cheeks in his excitement, and his eyes glittered wildly as his eyes roved over the course. He wished, distantly, that he had a camera so that he could take a picture of Kaoru like this, so beautiful and set alight. 

But then he noticed Kaoru’s left hand— the one not holding onto his skateboard— was shaking slightly where it rested by his thigh, and there was a bitter feeling in his gut. Because he knew that had Adam not been standing next to him, Kaoru would be twirling his hair or shaking out his hands to dispel some of his energy and excitement. 

He frowned, the knowledge that Kaoru felt the need to change himself to prove himself to Adam as sobering as ever, but then Kaoru turned to look at him, and just like that, the thought was a tiny thing in the back of his mind. Just like that, Kojiro was awestruck for an entirely different reason. 

Because when Kaoru’s eyes were on him and his smile was as bright as the sun, it was impossible to think about anything else except how he was the most beautiful person Kojiro had ever seen.

It wasn’t a new realization— he’d pretty much always had a crush on Kaoru, ever since the first time they tried skateboarding and Kojiro had face planted and scraped his knee and chin, only for Kaoru to come rushing over with bandaids that he put on Kojiro with gentle hands. But it was the first time he wasn’t sure that he could keep himself from blurting out the truth about things, right then and there, Adam’s presence and Kaoru’s own crush on Adam be damned. 

“We did it,” Kaoru breathed, the weight of his gaze pinning Kojiro in place. He couldn’t look away— couldn’t move— even if he wanted to. “We actually did it.”

Kojiro knew he meant the three of them— that Adam was included in that we— but with Kaoru’s eyes focused only on him, it was easy to pretend for a moment that he just meant them; Kaoru and Kojiro, the way it had always been before they met Adam. 

Before they became Adam and Kaoru, plus Kojiro because he’ll always be where Kaoru is. 

He shoved aside his bitterness, refusing to let his petty jealousy ruin this moment, and grinned back at Kaoru. “We really did, huh? All that work, and it’s… It’s perfect!”

“Don’t get too excited just yet,” Adam spoke, the first thing he’d said since they turned on the lights and saw the culmination of their work. “We won’t know it’s perfect until we skate it.”

Kaoru’s expression snapped to one of cold determination— and that was just another thing Kojiro hated about his and Adam’s weird thing they had going on, how guarded and cool he always was— and he finally looked away from Kojiro. 

(It was a hot night, but without the warmth of Kaoru’s gaze on him, Kojiro felt cold.)

“Well then, we’ll just have to skate it, won’t we?” He drawled. Though Kojiro couldn’t see him, he knew the exact face Kaoru was making— his lips pursed, an eyebrow raised, a challenging tilt to his head that dared anyone to disagree.

“My dear, I thought you’d never ask,” Adam grinned, sharp and predatory. His eyes flicked up to meet Kojiro’s over Kaoru’s shoulder, and he said offhandedly, “Do try to keep up, you two.”

Then he jumped on his board and was off, disappearing into the night already, and he could sneer out you two all he wanted, but Kojiro knew the truth— that snide remark was just for him. Which… Sure, maybe he wasn’t the best skater in the world, not like Adam or even Kaoru, but he didn’t care— he did alright. Besides, he didn’t skate to be the best. He did it because it was fun, and because Kaoru did it, and because Kaoru never smiled as widely as he did when they were skating together. 

So it hurt, but… Fuck Adam. Kojiro wasn’t looking for his approval.

Kaoru looked at him with wide, sparkling eyes, and grinned, “Come on, slowpoke, we can't let him win!”

And then he was hopping on his own board and disappearing around the first curve, and that—

That did hurt. Adam’s words were barely a poke— barely enough to make him falter— but seeing Kaoru laugh it off as though it were nothing and take off without him was like someone was ripping out his heart. 

Wait for me, he wanted to shout after Kaoru. Let’s do this together, like we always talked about.

He frowned slightly, watching Kaoru skate away with his pink hair fluttering around him, and he might have stayed there forever had Kaoru not looked back at him with his eyebrow raised and head tilted as if to say well, aren’t you coming with?

He also realized that, though Kaoru was steadily growing smaller as he skated further away, he wasn’t really gaining speed— he was waiting, and he was waiting for Kojiro.

Without a second thought, Kojiro slammed his board down hard and took off after him, a small glimmer of hope in his heart that maybe Kaoru wouldn’t abandon him after all.

“Took you long enough,” Kaoru scoffed when Kojiro finally caught up to him, their boards parallel to each other.

Kojiro would have been offended had he not heard the smile in Kaoru’s voice, so he just rolled his eyes and punched Kaoru’s shoulder lightly. “Yeah yeah, sorry to keep you waiting, princess. I was just thinking, that's all.”

“About what?”

About you, and the fact that you hide yourself when you’re with him, and how I’m terrified you’re going to follow him somewhere that I can’t go and leave me all alone—

“Nothing. School.”

“Bullshit,” Kaoru snapped. “I know you, dumbass, and I know when you’re lying. So what were you actually thinking about?”

Kojiro was saved from having to respond as they approached a curve, and he dug his heels into his board and leaned into it harder than necessary. He shot ahead, the pressure speeding him up, and as he continued on with the wind whistling in his hair, he searched for something that he could say. It had to be both true enough that Kaoru didn’t know he was lying, and enough of a white lie that he wouldn’t know the full truth of what Kojiro was thinking about. But after being friends for over a decade, the line between those two things was about as thin as a stray thread on a well worn t-shirt. 

“Kojiro!”  

His name rang out through the night air suddenly, and Kojiro blinked a few times as he was pulled back from his thoughts. 

He looked back up the hill towards Kaoru, only to realize that as lost in his own mind as he’d been, he’d pulled far more ahead than he’d meant to, and was rapidly approaching the next turn while Kaoru was just finishing the last one. Without thinking, he brought his left foot to the back of his board and stepped down, skidding to a stop in the middle of the road. 

Kojiro winced, already knowing he would be upset; sure enough, when he caught up and stopped next to him, red faced and breathless, Kaoru snapped, “What the hell is up with you, just ditching me like that, huh? Whatever you’re thinking about, it definitely isn’t nothing.”

He sighed, looking away— if he kept looking at Kaoru, with his hurt eyes and downturned mouth, he’d cave and tell him everything. “I’m sorry, okay? I just… There’s a lot going on in my head right now.”

“Is this about Adam?”

He blinked at Kaoru; he hadn’t realized he had picked up on Adam’s insult, or the fact that it might have hurt him more than he pretended. “I— A bit, I suppose.”

“Look, I’m sorry about him and how he spoke to you. It was a real dick move of him. But you shouldn’t listen to him— you’re the best skater I know.”

Kojiro couldn’t stop the smile that tugged at his lips. That wasn’t true, and they both knew it, but it was nice of him to try. “Thanks, Kaoru. But it wasn’t really that. It’s mostly…” He paused, thinking about how scared he was of Kaoru leaving him behind, and knew what he was going to tell Kaoru. “I want to cross the finish line together. We did this— made this— together, and I want to cross the finish line for the first time with you at my side.”

The words spilled out of him, quick and clumsy but earnest all the same, and Kaoru blinked once before a fond, barely visible smile came across his face.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that? Of course we’ll do it together. I wouldn’t want to cross the finish line any other way.”

Kojiro’s heart soared, and he beamed as an invisible weight suddenly fell off his shoulders. Kaoru wasn’t abandoning him. He wasn’t leaving him for Adam, not yet. They were going to do this together. 

“Oh. Okay. That’s… That’s good to know.”

“I’m still going to race you down,” Kaoru warned, already shifting his grip on his board so that he was ready to go. “But in the end, we’ll do it the way we’ve always done everything.”

“Together,” Kojiro finished, heart singing from Kaoru’s words. He was freer with his affection and vulnerability when he was around Kojiro, but still often reserved, and hearing him be so open filled Kojiro with warmth.

Kaoru nodded, sharp and to the point, and Kojiro got the unspoken message— he jumped on his board at the same time as Kaoru, and just like that, they were off, side by side.

When they finally reached the end, their wheels crossing the finish line at the same time after a vicious race where they each pulled every dirty trick in their arsenal, Adam made a snide comment, something about him starting to push daisies while waiting for them, but even that couldn’t burst Kojiro’s bubble.

After all, they did it together, the way Kojiro wanted them to always be.

ii. cause you been cheated before

The day Adam left for America, it rained, because of course it did. Adam was gone, and of course even the sky had to cry.

It was miserable outside, the sky as dark as the well of anger towards Adam that sat in Kojiro’s heart and the windows shaking with the force of the rain hitting them. Really, no one should be going out in weather like this, but as the clock hit ten p.m., exactly fourteen hours since Adam’s plane left, Kojiro found himself hopping on his motorcycle to drive to Kaoru’s house. Because it had been fourteen hours, and Kaoru hadn’t called, and Kojiro was worried.

And if there was one thing that Kojiro knew about himself, it was that nothing would keep him from getting to Kaoru. Especially when he knew Kaoru had to be hurting.

The drive wasn’t long, but the rain made him take twice the amount of time to get there as he usually did, and by the time he pulled up in front of the Sakurayashiki house, he was soaking wet and shivering. Not that he was thinking about it, though, preoccupied as he was with the fact that not a single light in Kaoru’s house was on.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he cursed under his breath, turning off his bike as quickly as he could and sprinting to the front door. 

He fumbled with his keys, searching through them frantically until they slipped in his wet fingers and he dropped them, and he cursed again. He swiped them up quickly and finally found the right one, and burst through the door.

He didn’t bother turning on any lights, simply toed off his shoes and then took off running down the hall— he knew this house as well as his own, after all. He didn’t need light to get to Kaoru’s room. As he reached Kaoru’s room he slowed down, not wanting to scare him, and flipped on the hall light before knocking lightly.

“Kaoru?” He called, trying to keep his voice soft and not desperate like he felt. “It’s Kojiro. Can I come in?”

There was a noncommittal grunt from the other side of the door, and Kojiro took that to mean yes. Carefully, he slid Kaoru’s door open and peaked in. The hall light cut through the darkness in his room, reaching in far enough that Kojiro could see a heap of blankets in the middle of the bed, which he knew was Kaoru. With his heart aching for him, Kojiro walked forwards slowly.

He paused when he reached the bed and asked, “Can I sit?” 

The blankets moved in what he could only assume was a shrug, so he went ahead and sat down gently.

“Hey,” he said quietly, speaking to the blankets. “I would ask how you’re doing, but I think it’s pretty obvious.”

There was another grunt, and Kojiro sighed.

“I know, Kaoru. I’m sorry. You deser—” He stopped himself, knowing that’s not what Kaoru needed to hear. “Do you want to talk about it?” Another shrug and he nodded to himself, looking around the dark room idly. “Well, I’m here if you want to. You’re not alone.”

They fell silent after that, Kaoru buried under his blankets and Kojiro buried under silent rage, cursing Adam’s name in his head. 

He desperately wished there was more he could do for his heartbroken best friend, but he knew better than to pry; Kaoru would talk when he was ready, and pushing him would only make it worse. And so, they sat in silence, until finally Kaoru’s muffled, scratchy voice spoke from next to Kojiro’s knee.

“You know, he didn’t even say goodbye?”

“What?” Kojiro blanked, heart dropping.

“Last night, I asked him to meet me at the skatepark before he left this morning, and he said he’d be there at six. So I got there at five, just to make sure I saw him. But,” Kaoru let out a humorless laugh, followed by a sniffle, “he didn’t show up. I sat there in the rain for four hours, and he never fucking came. I checked the phone when I got home, thinking maybe he called me, but there was nothing. He didn’t fucking say goodbye.”

“Kaoru—”

“I should have fucking known. He never cared about me as much as I did him. The fact that I thought he could possibly love me… I feel so stupid!”

“You’re not stupid,” Kojiro objected quickly. “You just… You have a big heart, and you see the best in people. The fact that he let you down is his fault, not yours.”

There was silence for a minute, then the blanket shifted and suddenly Kaoru’s face appeared. His eyes were puffy, his cheeks were red and splotchy, and Kojiro could see dried tear tracks running down his face in the dim light. He scowled and snapped, “Well, I feel plenty stupid. Spending all day crying over that… That… That dickhead!”

Kaoru’s face wrinkled suddenly as his rage slipped away and he began sobbing, slumping forwards so that the crown of his head was pressed against Kojiro’s knee and his face was buried in his comforter. He sobbed hard for several minutes, heavy, choked out cries that broke Kojiro’s heart into more pieces than he knew was possible, until he tired himself out and they faded into tiny gasps and shaking shoulders.

Desperate to help, Kojiro’s hands fluttered over Kaoru’s back, wanting to smooth a hand over it to soothe him but resisting since he knew it would only piss Kaoru off. He wished there was more he could do, something he could say that would make Kaoru smile or laugh or mend his broken heart, but he was powerless— all he could do was let Kaoru cry. Finally, he settled on clenching his fists and setting them firmly at his side. Quietly, he asked, “What do you need me to do?”

“You don’t want to say you told me so?” 

Kojiro’s brain short circuited, and he stared at the tangled mess of pink hair pressed against his knee incredulously. “What? No. Kaoru, why would I say that?”

“Because you warned me,” came the muffled, bitter response. “You tried to tell me he was bad news and he wasn’t who I thought he was, but I didn’t listen. I was so caught up in the fact that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance he cared about me half as much as I cared about him, and I refused to see the truth. So come on, tell me you told me so!”

“I’m not going to do that, Kaoru.”

There was a growl, and suddenly Kaoru pulled himself up to his knees and leaned in close to Kojiro, yelling into his face. “Come on, say it! I know you want to, I know you never liked Adam and the fact that I liked him. So come on, tell me the truth! Laugh in my face, make fun of my sorrow, tell me that I was an idiot and that you tried to warn me!”

Kaoru’s anger was like a crashing wave, violent and churning and relentless as it beat against the shore, but Kojiro refused to back down— if Kaoru was the wave, then he would be the rock, standing firm and steady under the onslaught.

“Is that what you want?”

Whatever Kaoru had been expecting, it wasn’t that, because he visibly faltered and sat back on his heels. “I— No, you dimwit, of course it’s not what I want! But I know that’s what you want, so it’s fine. Give me all you’ve got. I can take it.”

Kojiro studied Kaoru silently for a long moment, taking everything in from his matted hair to his rumbled clothes, from the furious twist of his mouth to the helplessness in his eyes that betrayed his sorrow, from the hard set of his shoulders to the way his clenched hands shook at his side.

And suddenly, he realized… He was wrong. Kaoru wasn’t a crashing wave. He was a seashell, rough in his beauty and complicated with his ridges and resilient even as he was tossed around by the stormy ocean.

Gently, he grabbed Kaoru’s trembling fists in his, as though that would make him see how much he was worth, and used his thumbs to persuade Kaoru to unclench them.

“All I want,” he said softly, making sure he was gazing into Kaoru’s eyes with the utmost sincerity, “is for you to be happy.”

Kaoru’s lips parted, his surprise evident in how his breath caught, and suddenly, all the fight went out of him. He slumped into Kojiro’s chest, falling against him as his shoulders began to shake again— though no tears fell— and his arms wrapped around Kojiro’s waist loosely.

“Thank you,” he gasped weakly. “Thank you, Kojiro.”

Kojiro smiled sadly, smoothing Kaoru’s bangs back from his face. “You deserve happiness, Sakurayashiki Kaoru. And whatever I can do to help you achieve that, I will do without question. That is what I want.”

It was as close to an admission of his feelings as he’d come, and as close as he thought he’d get for a while, but he found he didn’t mind. He meant what he said, about doing whatever Kaoru needed to be happy, and he knew that didn’t include being in love with him right now. Which… He could do. He would do.

And so he just did his duty as a best friend and held Kaoru tight, until his shoulders stopped shaking and his breathing evened out. When Kaoru finally pulled back with dry eyes and a slight smile on his tear stained face, Kojiro knew he was doing the right thing.

“You know what would make me happy right now?” Kaoru asked, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“What?”

“A grilled cheese? I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving.”

“Well, we both know you’d burn the kitchen down making yourself one,” Kojiro teased and got to his feet, sticking his hand out to help Kaoru up. “Luckily, I’m here and can take care of it… Tell you what, I’ll even throw in some soup.”

Kaoru took his hand, a real, genuine smile on his face. “Sounds perfect.”

He’ll be okay , Kojiro thought later, as he watched Kaoru comb through his messy hair with a disgruntled expression. In the end, he’ll be okay.

iii. out of my head

Kojiro had come to learn, over the years of being friends with Kaoru, that he really couldn’t study with him. Kaoru was just too distracting.

Not because he couldn’t stop talking, or anything like that— Kaoru, for all that his demeanor and appearance suggested otherwise, was a very good student, and took his studying seriously. So it was always silent, other than the scratching of pen on paper and the shuffling of notes. 

Honestly, it would probably be easier if Kaoru wasn’t such a good student, if he wanted to joke around and talk to Kojiro while they worked. Because the problem was that when it was like that— quiet, still, Kaoru folded over his notes without an ounce of attention being paid to the rest of the world— Kojiro had far too much time and opportunity to just… Look at him. 

The fall of his bangs around his eyes, the glint of his lip piercing as he toyed with it with his tongue, the wrinkle in his nose when he got stuck on something. 

He was captivating, and Kojiro’s own work often went ignored as he took the opportunity to admire Kaoru without receiving a raised eyebrow or snide see something you like, gorilla?

So no, he couldn’t really study with Kaoru, but it never stopped him from doing so anyways. 

He was watching him even now, studying him instead of the chemistry notes in front of him. Wishing he could reach across the table, press his thumb to the wrinkle between Kaoru’s eyebrows, and smooth it away. Wishing he could lean over and kiss Kaoru, and finally find out if that metal ring on his lip was as cold as it looked. Wishing he could—

He tore his gaze away as Kaoru shook his bangs out of his face, chest burning with want and guilt. That was the problem with these stolen glances— he only ever felt guilty afterwards, because he knew Kaoru was still hurting from what Adam did. He didn’t need Kojiro helplessly pining after him right now; he needed a friend. 

It’s just so hard, Kojiro thought as his eyes slid back over to Kaoru, tapping his fingers against the table and making Kojiro want to lace their fingers together, when he’s so beautiful—

He ground the heel of his palm into his forehead, as if the thought was a bug he could squish, and sighed heavily. 

Kaoru looked up at him with an eyebrow raised, clearly not impressed by the disruption to his peaceful silence. “Are you alright?”

Kojiro froze a little, not having meant to have alerted him to the fact that anything was wrong. “I’m fine,” he said quickly. “I— I can't focus.”

It wasn’t technically a lie; he couldn’t focus, not when Kaoru was right there. The problem would be if Kaoru asked—

“Why not? Is something bothering you?”

And, there it was.  

Kojiro floundered, wracking his mind for some believable reason, something he hadn’t told him yet. But there was nothing, because Kaoru was his best friend and he told him everything as soon as it happened, except for— Oh. 

Well, there was one thing he’d been wanting to ask, but hadn’t because he wasn’t sure what Kaoru would think, but if it got him out of this awkward silence then… Maybe it was time. 

“I want to get a tattoo!” He blurted out. 

Kaoru's eyebrow rose impossibly higher on his forehead. “Oh? Of what?”

“A uh… The sun. Right here, on my shoulder.”

He hoped Kaoru wouldn’t ask why a sun, hoped he wouldn’t have to explain that it was because he wanted to always remember all those late nights that had turned into early mornings together, the two of them sitting down by the ocean as the sun rose. He hoped Kaoru wouldn’t ask why there, hoped he wouldn’t have to explain that it was because Kaoru would lean his head against his shoulder as the sky turned orange and pink above them. 

Instead, Kaoru teased, “Kojiro, Kojiro, what will your parents say?”

He snorted, relieved to have avoided having to explain its meaning. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them… And I can't imagine it’s much worse than me sneaking out at midnight to go skating.”

Kaoru tilted his head in agreement. “Or being friends with me.”

Kojiro rolled his eyes. “They like you perfectly fine! They’re just distressed by the fact that you put holes in your face.”

“Right, because it’s not like I can take them out,” he said dryly. “Anyways, why is that distracting you so much? You seem to know what you want, so you must have been thinking about it for a long time.”

Kojiro knew they’d get to this point eventually, where he actually had to ask Kaoru what he’d been meaning to for months, but now that it was time, his palms grew sweaty. Still, he had to ask, because if he didn’t, he’d never get the tattoo. 

“Well, I’ve been meaning to ask for a while, but I was hoping… Will you design it for me?”

Kaoru blinked, lips parted. “You… You want me to design your tattoo?”

Kojiro shrugged with one shoulder. “Well, yeah. I mean, you’re my best friend. It wouldn’t be the same if anyone else did it.”

He wondered if Kaoru was picking up on everything that was going unsaid; if he understood that in asking Kaoru to design his tattoo, Kojiro was asking him to put his mark on him forever.If he was thinking the same thing as Kojiro— that this tattoo was the clearest claim of devotion he could make without actually admitting anything to Kaoru. If he realized that by putting the sun he and Kaoru watched rise, on the shoulder that Kaoru leaned against, designed by Kaoru himself, he was making Kaoru a permanent part of him.

“You trust me with this?” Kaoru asked, breathless, and Kojiro thought maybe he did understand, after all. 

“Kaoru, you’re the only one I trust with this. The only one I want to trust with this.”

Kaoru studied him, gaze intense and searching, and finally he nodded. “Then I would be honored.”

Without another word, Kaoru reached for a pen and a blank piece of paper, and started drawing.

iv. promise land

It had been seven months, fifteen days, and nine hours since Kojiro had seen Kaoru, and he thought his heart was going to crack in half with the force of how much he missed him. 

He’d enjoyed Italy, and he knew he was lucky to be able to go to such a prestigious culinary school, but being away from Kaoru for so long hurt. Missing him was like… Was like he’d lost a rib, and now each breath hurt. 

They made due of course, finding time to call each other everyday despite the seven hour time difference— typically while Kojiro was getting ready for bed and Kaoru was just getting home from work— and they’d each flown out to visit for the weekend a few times during the two years he’d been gone, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same as getting to hold his boyfriend in his arms, as getting to flick Kaoru’s hair out of his eyes to annoy him, as getting to hear his voice without the distortion of a phone line and six thousand miles between them.

So Venice had been good, and he’d learned more than he ever could have dreamed, but he was glad when his program finally ended and he could go home to Japan.

Technically, he was supposed to be heading straight for Paris, to go on one last trip before he handed his life over to the food service industry, but… He missed Kaoru. So Japan for a few days it was, then he’d head to Paris, hopefully with Kaoru in tow.

He didn’t even bother going home to drop off his luggage, simply had the taxi take him straight to Kaoru’s apartment, and each mile that brought him closer to Kaoru helped him breathe a little bit easier.

When he was finally dropped off outside Kaoru’s apartment, he almost teared up, just from the sheer relief of being home; the only thing that kept him from doing so was his eagerness to see Kaoru. He bounded up the stairs as quickly as he could with two suitcases and a backpack, and pounded on Kaoru’s door a few times, hard.

And even though he wanted to knock until Kaoru came to the door, he knew that would only serve to irritate him, so Kojiro stepped back, rocking on his heels as he waited.

Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long— Kaoru had probably been in the living room working on Carla, if Kojiro knew him at all— before the lock turned and the door opened.

And as they laid eyes on each other for the first time in seven and a half months, Kojiro swore the world ground to a standstill. All he could see was Kaoru, with his hair piled up in a messy bun on top of his head and his glasses perched on the end of his nose, swamped in a hoodie and a pair of basketball shorts that Kojiro knew were both his, his mouth open in surprise and eyes welling with tears.

“Hey Kaoru,” Kojiro greeted softly, helpless to do anything but smile at him.

“Kojiro,” he breathed back, before launching himself at him.

Kojiro caught him easily, wrapping his arms around him tightly and burying his nose in Kaoru’s hair. He smelled like cherry blossoms and sandalwood— like home— and Kojiro felt that missing rib slide back into place.

Kaoru repeated his name softly, pulling back slightly and looking him over as if he couldn’t really believe it, and Kojiro smiled even wider. He brushed a thumb over Kaoru’s cheek softly, drinking in the sight of him after so long, and said honestly, “You look beautiful.”

“Oh, shut up you,” Kaoru muttered and rolled his eyes, before he grabbed Kojiro by the collar and hauled him in for a kiss.

They’d shared all sorts of kisses— from their frantic first kiss at the old bridge when Kojiro told Kaoru he was going to Italy to teary goodbye kisses to lazy morning kisses to quick pecks as they headed out the door— but this might have been his favorite. It wasn’t necessarily good or skilled, they were both smiling too much for that, but it was sweet and warm and they were together, and Kojiro couldn’t imagine anything better.

When they finally broke apart, with Kaoru pulling away first and Kojiro chasing him for one more quick peck, Kaoru looked at him in a daze, still not quite believing he was there.

“Kojiro, what are you— How— You’re supposed to be in Paris!”

“I missed you,” Kojiro said simply. “I finished my program and got my degree, and I was thinking about heading straight to Paris and not seeing you for another month, and… I couldn’t. I had to see you, sweetheart.”

“I missed you, too,” he confessed softly. A second later, his face flickered and he asked worriedly, “But what about your trip? What about all the Parisian cuisine, and you have those pastry classes you’re so excited for, and you were going to dine on top of the Eiffel Tower— You’ve wanted to do all of that for years, you can’t just give it all up just for me!”

“I’m still going,” Kojiro soothed him. “Don’t worry, I’m still doing all of that. I have a ticket to fly to Paris on Friday. Well,” he amended, thumb rubbing a circle on Kaoru’s arm, “I actually have two tickets.”

“Two—?” Kaoru’s brow furrowed, and Kojiro raised an encouraging eyebrow at him. “You mean—”

“I want you to come with me,” Kojiro interrupted, unable to hold it in any longer. “To Paris.”

“I— You want me to—” Kaoru seemed stunned, and Kojiro slid his hand down Kaoru’s hand to tangle their fingers together.

“I know it’s a lot, and you don’t have to answer right away. But I’ve really missed you, Kaoru, and the thought of being away from you any longer kills me. This trip… It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, but the thought of doing all of this without you was unbearable, so I changed my reservation and bought another ticket for you. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. But at least think about it?”

“Kojiro,” Kaoru said, staring at him in a way that made him want to wipe his face, just in case there was something on it. “You— You really want me to go with you?”

“Uh…” Kojiro said eloquently, shifting. He’d thought it had been a good idea at the time, but maybe it had actually been horrible, because why else would he be looking at him like he’d said the stupidest thing in the world? “Well, yeah. I do. But like I said, you don’t have to, or you can take your time deciding, or—”

“Of course I’ll go with you,” Kaoru interrupted, a wide smile on his face, and Kojiro realized that hadn’t been him looking at Kojiro like he was stupid, but rather in awe, like he couldn’t believe he really wanted him to come along.

“Really?” Kojiro smiled, heart swelling with excitement. “You will?”

Kaoru leapt at him for another hug. “Of course,” he laughed, kissing Kojiro again. “I have some stuff to sort out, I’ll need to clear my schedule and make sure my clients are taken care of, but. Yes, I’ll go with you. I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” he beamed, incandescently happy. “Paris it is, then.”

“Paris it is.”

v. all these holy ghosts

Kaoru had never once looked small to Kojiro.

How could he, when Kaoru was all heavy brushstrokes and bristling insults, tight hugs and fierce skating, consuming kisses and wild inventions?

He knew others saw him as small, especially his clients who met the polite but reserved master of calligraphy, but he had known Kaoru too long— loved him through too much— to not know how much of Kaoru there was.

Now, though— now, looking at him laying in a hospital bed, eyes shut and head wrapped in bandages and pink hair fanned out around his head— he looked small.

His hands weren’t busy making beautiful brushstrokes or tinkering with Carla. His mouth wasn’t busy shooting off teasing insults or kissing Kojiro like it was the most important thing he’d ever done. He wasn’t flying down S or wrapping himself around Kojiro like an octopus.

He was just… Still. Quiet. Small.

Kojiro exhaled shakily and rested his head against the edge of the hospital bed, though he didn’t dare close his eyes. He knew if he did he’d just see the moment Kaoru went flying backwards, hair unraveling and mask tearing and Carla clattering away. He’d just see him lying on the ground, Adam standing above him, taunting him, mocking him—

He pinched the bridge of his nose and tightened his hold on Kaoru’s uninjured hand.

It was okay, he had to remind himself, two fingers sliding up to rest against Kaoru’s pulsepoint on the inside of his wrist, just so that he could feel his heart beating steadily. Kaoru was away from Adam now, and he had a broken wrist and a concussion but the doctors said he’d be fine in a few weeks, and Kojiro wasn’t going to budge from this chair until the day Kaoru was cleared to go home.

He sighed again, looking back up at Kaoru’s face. It was a small mercy that he looked peaceful, the pain medication the doctors had given him clearly doing its job— Kojiro would almost believe he was just asleep if it wasn’t for the bandage around his head, blindingly white. A few strands of his bangs had fallen over his eyes at some point, unruly as ever, and Kojiro chuckled fondly. Gently, he reached out with his freehand to brush them back.

At his touch, Kaoru stirred slightly, eyes fluttering a little as he tried to gain his bearings. He made a muffled grunt, and Kojiro quickly stood so that Kaoru could see him, though he didn’t let go of his hand.

“Hey sweetheart,” he said softly, brushing back Kaoru’s hair again. “Sorry I woke you up.”

“K— Kojiro?” he asked thickly, and Kojiro realized he was probably thirsty.

“Yeah, it’s me. Do you need some water?”

“Yes,” Kaoru rasped, wincing when he tried to nod with his injured head. “Please.”

“Uh-oh, you’re saying please,” Kojiro teased lightly, reaching over with his free hand to grab the cup of water the nurse had left for him. “You must really not be feeling good.”

“Fuck off,” Kaoru scoffed harmlessly, going to reach for the water but frowning when he realized his right wrist was broken and his left hand was currently being held by Kojiro.

“Oh. Right.” Reluctantly, Kojiro let go of his hand and let Kaoru tilt the straw towards himself, taking a few sips just to clear the dryness from his mouth. “Good?” He asked when Kaoru pulled away.

“Yeah, that’s good. Thank you, love.”

When the cup had been set back down, Kaoru reached for Kojiro’s hand again.

Somehow, that gesture— that little show of affection that said Kaoru wanted Kojiro to be there, to hold onto him and to comfort him— made Kojiro’s eyes water. Quickly, he covered it up by pressing a kiss to Kaoru’s knuckles. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got my ass handed to me on a skateboard.”

“Yeah, I thought you might say that. That was…” He saw Kaoru flying backwards, laying still on the ground, going unconscious in his arms, and swallowed. “That was a dirty trick he pulled. But hey, you skated well.”

Kaoru rolled his eyes at the ceiling. “Tch, not well enough. I doubt I would have won even without him playing dirty.”

“Hey, you know there’s more to skating well than just winning.”

Kaoru hummed, tapping his pointer finger against Kojiro’s palm. “I suppose.” He was quiet for a moment, then, “You were right.”

“Huh? About what?”

“About him. All those years ago, you tried to warn me about him and I…” Kaoru’s eyes slipped shut, and he sighed heavily. “No matter how much time goes by, I’m always so blind when it comes to him. I thought maybe I’d learn something new from skating against him, some other explanation for why he’d ignored us— me— all these years, but no. You heard him; he just doesn’t care. He never has.”

Kojiro’s heart ached— he’d never really liked Adam, not since he first entered their lives and tried to drive a wedge between the two of them, but this wasn’t the sort of thing he wanted to be right about. Anything that caused Kaoru pain, he didn’t want to be right about. 

“I wish I wasn’t,” he confessed quietly. “I wish you’d been able to find what you were hoping for. I wish the answer didn’t hurt you so badly. But Kaoru… If he doesn’t care about you, he’s a goddamn fool.”

Kaoru cracked an eye open and rolled his head to smile wryly at Kojiro. “Okay, flatterer.”

Any other day, Kojiro might have laughed, might have thrown a wink and made a crack at being guilty as charged! 

But it wasn’t any other day, and Kaoru looked so small in his hospital bed, and no matter how hard Kojiro tried to make a joke come out, he couldn’t. 

He squeezed Kaoru’s hand tight and said fiercely, “I’m not joking, Kaoru. You’re the best person I know. That he doesn’t see that, that he doesn’t realize how incredible you are—”

He cut himself off, humiliated to find that there were tears tugging at his eyes, the ones he hadn’t let fall since he first took Kaoru’s limp body in his arms and carried him to Hiromi’s car. He wiped them away roughly, but new ones quickly rose to replace them, and he sniffed in frustration.

It was ridiculous; Kaoru was the one in the hospital bed, put there by someone he once considered a friend, and yet Kojiro was the one fighting off tears.

“Kojiro?” Kaoru sounded alarmed, his grip on Kojiro’s hand tightening.

“I’m sorry,” he waved aside Kaoru’s concern. “I shouldn’t be crying when you’re the one who’s injured. Just give me a second, and I’ll be fine.”

“No, don’t do that, don’t try to protect me right now,” Kaoru scolded, as perceptive and familiar with his habits as ever. “Talk to me, what’s going on?”

Kojiro didn’t answer for a long time, choosing his words carefully while the heart rate monitor beeped out a study beat— Kaoru’s steady beat, because he was here and he was safe and he was holding Kojiro’s hand.

“I thought he was going to kill you,” he finally confessed into the stillness of the room. “When I saw you hit the ground and not get back up, I thought—” He choked on fresh tears. “I thought you were dead. I thought I was going to finally reach you, and it wouldn’t matter.”

“Oh, love. I’m sorry to have scared you. But I’m fine—”

“You’re fine now,” Kojiro interrupted. “But I didn’t know that. All I knew was that he hit you in the face and sent you flying backwards, and then you hit the ground head first and didn’t get back up. And I couldn’t— I wasn’t there, I was all the way at the start, and you were on the ground and he was there saying horrible things to you and I couldn’t—”

He took a ragged breath, unable to wipe the image of Kaoru fallingfallingfalling from his mind. But Kaoru wasn’t falling anymore, he reminded himself; he was right here, holding his hand.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly, voice barely rising above the monitor’s beeping, “what I would have done if it had been worse. If I’d gotten there and you had been… I don’t think I could live without you, Kaoru.”

“Oh, you needy gorilla,” Kaoru said, but there was no bite to it— just a warm fondness and a sad undertone. “There’s not much I can say right now, other than that I’m fine. A little bumped and bruised, and a little sad, but that will all heal in time. And it’ll heal because I have you looking out for me. So thank you, Kojiro. And,” he added thoughtfully, “I don’t imagine I could live without you either. Not after two decades of putting up with your obnoxious ass.”

Kojiro laughed wetly. He knew Kaoru loved him— after so many years of friendship and seven years of being together, it would be hard not to. But he tended to be more reserved with his words of affection than Kojiro was, preferring to show his love by making him a cup of coffee in the morning or sitting at the bar at Sia La Luce and watching him cook for hours. So hearing Kaoru say he meant so much to him, hearing him say that he needed Kojiro as much as Kojiro needed him, never failed to make Kojiro teary eyed. 

“Who knew pain meds made you sentimental?” He ended up saying finally, wiping the last of his tears away and fixing Kaoru with a grateful smile. He could still see Kaoru flying backwards, and maybe he’d forever be haunted by it, but… Kaoru’s words had helped. He still felt guilty that Kaoru was having to comfort him when he was the one in the hospital bed, though he didn’t seem bothered, so maybe it didn’t matter that much.

Kaoru hummed, smiling fondly at him, before his jaw split in a massive yawn. “Apparently they also make me tired.”

“Right, okay,” Kojiro said, immediately fussing over him, tugging his blanket up and making sure he was comfortable. “We can talk later, for now you should get some rest. I’ll be right here if you need anything, okay?”

“Rest sounds good,” Kaoru murmured, eyes already slipping shut as the pain medication tugged him back into sleep. “But you don’t have to stay, you know. I’ll be fine here on my own.”

Kojiro leaned up to brush a kiss to his cheek, and his heart fizzled with warmth when he saw Kaoru’s lips twitch upwards in a sleepy grin. “Yeah, I know you would be. But I want to stay.”

“Okay. Thank you. Love you.”

Only once Kaoru’s face relaxed and his breathing evened out did Kojiro whisper back, “I love you, too.”

+i. i love you the most 

Kaoru had never been the best with words.

Which was maybe a funny thing to say, since his entire job revolved around words, but… He wasn’t exactly the one coming up with the words. Someone else picked what they wanted to say; he just wrote it all down. 

But he’d always struggled with that sort of thing, himself: knowing the right thing to say, and when the right time to say it was. 

It had given him a bit of a reputation throughout high school, his classmates often seeing him as cold and calculated and odd— no doubt made worse by his preference for loud rock music and his tight skinny jeans and the piercings in his face. Honestly, the only reason he’d been able to get through school with any sort of friend group had largely been because of Kojiro; Kojiro, who always knew what to say, and how to say it, and when to say it. 

He was a people person, through and through, and his ability to charm a room was just one of the many reasons Kaoru loved him.

It was also irritating sometimes, though, like when he was trying to figure out how the fuck he was supposed to ask Kojiro to marry him, all the while knowing Kojiro wouldn’t have any trouble with it. But Kaoru could barely even make small talk with a stranger; how was he supposed to ask the man he loved to spend the rest of his life with him?

Not that his delivery of it would impact Kojiro’s answer— Kojiro would probably say yes even if Kaoru texted him the question. But Kaoru… Kaoru wanted it to be perfect for him, because he loved him, and god knew Kojiro had done enough for Kaoru over the years to deserve a perfect proposal.

Now if he could just get the words right—

He groaned in frustration, looked down at the horrible, rambling draft of a proposal he’d written, and crumpled it into a ball.

“Garbage,” he muttered, throwing it over towards the trash can, where a dozen other identical paper balls were scattered on the floor.

If he just had someone he could ask about it… But the person he usually asked for advice on what to say was the person he was trying to find the words for. There was Hiromi, he supposed, but he was a little too much of a romantic for either Kojiro or Kaoru. There was Reki and Langa, but they were just kids, and they were still trying to figure out their own blossoming relationship, so he doubted they’d have much idea on how to propose. And Miya would just tell Kaoru he was overthinking— they’d be right, of course, but Kaoru didn’t need to hear someone else tell him what he already knew.

So, he was unfortunately stuck, and at this rate he’d never find the right words, and he’d never get to propose, and he’d have to life the rest of his life knowing—

“Kaoru? You home?” Kojiro’s voice came floating through their apartment.

Kaoru, despite his irritation with himself, grinned at the sound of it. “Yeah, I’m in the office!”

In the office, where there were a dozen crumpled up proposals on the floor— 

He leapt out of his chair and had just scooped the last of the papers into the trash can when Kojiro opened the door.

“Hey,” he greeted, leaning against the doorway. Kaoru took a moment to appreciatively eye the strong line of his body, and Kojiro winked at him as he asked, “What are you up to? You look flustered.”

Curse Kojiro, and his stupid ability to read Kaoru like an open book.

“Oh, just cleaning up,” Kaoru waved a hand through the air. “I was practicing a commission, but I couldn’t get the brushstrokes just right. What about you? You’re home early, did something happen at the restaurant?”

Kojiro gave him a strange look. “No… It’s an S night, so we closed early. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

Kaoru mentally kicked himself— how could he have forgotten it was an S night? “I feel fine, I just forgot. I must have been more distracted by this commission than I thought.”

“Do you want to skip tonight?” Kojiro crossed the room to stand in front of him, brushing Kaoru’s bangs back from his face. “If it’s that big of a deal then—”

“No, I want to go,” Kaoru said decisively, catching Kojiro’s wrist in his hand when he started to bring it back down and tangling their fingers between them. “We haven’t been in a while. It’ll be a nice distraction.”

“Oh, good,” Kojiro seemed to collapse in relief, grinning brightly. “Because I was going to challenge you to a beef tonight.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Oh, really? What’s the occasion? We haven’t raced in ages.”

“No occasion! I just miss beating you.”

“It’s cute that you think you’ll win… Fine then, I accept. What’s on the line?”

“Oh, good to see you’re feeling competitive tonight,” Kojiro grinned at him roguishly. “If I win— and I will— I get to take you to dinner.”

Whatever Kaoru had been expecting, that hadn’t been it at all, and he looked at him in confusion. “That’s it? Kojiro, we go to dinner together all the time. We live together.”

“Yeah, but not like this. This would be a special dinner, somewhere we don’t usually go. Somewhere that gives me an excuse to see you in something nice.”

Kaoru rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t fight the smile that came to his lips. “Oh, I see what this is really about. You just want to see me in a suit, don’t you?”

Kojiro shrugged, not the least bit guilty or ashamed. “Maybe. You look good in them, and I’m a simple man. What else can I say? Anyways, what do you want if you win?”

Kaoru hummed— he hadn’t been prepared to run a beef tonight, so he didn’t actually have anything in mind. “I’m not sure,” he said honestly. “I’ll think about it, and have an answer for you later.”

“Yeah, just tell me what you want before we race, so that I know what I’m fighting for,” he teased. “Now, dinner and then we’ll get ready? I didn’t eat at the restaurant, and I assume you haven’t eaten either, if you’ve been holed up in here all night.” As if on cue, Kaoru’s stomach grumbled, and Kojiro laughed. “Alright, I’ll go cook something real quick.”

Kaoru pecked his cheek in thanks, and as he watched Kojiro walk out of the room, a glimmer of a plan began to form in his mind.

He thought about it all through dinner and getting ready, and by the time they arrived at S, side by side on their motorcycles, he knew exactly what he was going to do when he won.

For so long he’d been searching for the perfect way to propose, when all along, it had been this simple. He didn’t need a big speech, or flashy words; he just needed to tell Kojiro what he wanted.

Now that he knew what he was going to do, there was an itch under his skin, an eagerness that hadn’t been there before, and time seemed to crawl by before their beef. Distantly he knew that he watched the other races, that he teased Reki and Langa for tying their own beef that they ran, that he watched Miya on the halfpipe with Shadow and Oka cuddled up together next to him, but he couldn’t really focus on anything other than the weight of the ring box in his pocket (zipped in, of course, so that he didn’t lose it).

And then finally, finally, Kojiro was tapping on his shoulder and letting him know it was time for their race.

They stood together at the starting line, and while the announcer introduced them and the crowd went wild, Kojiro stepped up close to him.

“So, did you figure out what you’re putting on the line?”

“Yes. When I win, I’m going to tell you what I want.”

Kojiro cocked his head to the side curiously, and Kaoru couldn’t help but think he looked a bit like an overgrown golden retriever when he did. “Aren’t you supposed to do that now?”

“No, I mean that’s what I’m skating for. If I win, I’ll tell you what I want. If I don’t, I won’t tell you what I want.”

He studied Kaoru for a moment, then shrugged and adjusted his grip on his board. “Alright, I trust you. So, dinner or something you want?”

“Dinner or something I want,” Kaoru confirmed.

Just then, the announcer called for the start of the race, and there was no more time for talking.

As the first light turned green, Kaoru let himself slip into the moment. The roaring of the crowd faded away and the lights dimmed, until all that existed was him, the course ahead of him, and Kojiro at his side.

The last light flashed green, and he took off.

He didn’t know that he’d ever raced so fast, that he’d ever pushed so hard— not even when he raced Adam.

Then again, there’d never been anything as important as telling Kojiro what he wanted on the line before.

Still, even as determined he was to win, he let himself have fun, because there was nothing like racing Kojiro. It made him feel like he was seventeen again, like they had their entire future ahead of them, like the entire world was at their fingertips. When he looked over at Kojiro, so effortlessly beautiful with the wind rushing through his hair and a breathtaking grin on his face, Kaoru thought maybe he felt that way too.

They both raced hard, Kojiro giving Kaoru a tough time by playing dirty and jostling him around, but in the end Kaoru’s determination won out, and he crossed the finish line a half board length ahead of Kojiro.

Around them, the crowd was cheering, the Joe fangirls crying while the Cherry fangirls screamed, but Kaoru only had eyes for Kojiro.

They were both breathless, chests heaving as they fought to calm their racing hearts, but Kojiro had a wild glint in his eyes— the sign of a good race— and Kaoru was grinning happily, and as he pulled his mask down, he knew. This was it.

“So,” Kojiro said, as if on cue, “what do you want?”

He had expected to be nervous when he finally asked, but as his fingers wrapped around the box in his pocket, he just felt sure. All the history between them, all the things they’d been through together, all the love they shared— it had all been building to this.

And so Kaoru, who had never been very good with words, looked at Kojiro and said without an ounce of hesitation, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Kojiro’s mouth fell open, his left hand flexing at his side as if he was imagining the weight of a ring there and something like hesitant hope in his eyes. “Kaoru, are you—”

In one fluid motion, Kaoru dropped to one knee and pulled out the ring box. “Kojiro, will you marry me?”

The crowd fell silent just in time for Kaoru to hear Kojiro gasp, and next thing he knew, he suddenly had an armful of sweaty skater. 

Kojiro was shaking slightly, his nose buried in Kaoru’s neck as he murmured, “Yes, yes, of course I will, I love you,” and Kaoru’s heart was pounding against his chest so hard he thought it might just break through his ribs.

He’d known Kojiro would say yes, but he still felt a deep ache of relief at actually hearing the words, at knowing for sure that Kojiro was his just as he was Kojiro’s. At knowing that they wanted the same thing— each other, forever.

“I love you,” he whispered against Kojiro’s ear, pressing a kiss to the shell of it. And then that wasn’t enough, and he had to pull back so that he could kiss Kojiro’s temple, and his cheekbone, and his nose, and his cheek, and the scar on his chin from when he’d face planted while first trying to skateboard, and then Kojiro was shifting and his next kiss hit his lips, and it was—

Perfect.

It was perfect, and Kaoru didn’t care that they were surrounded by other skaters, that there were rocks digging into his knees, that they were both sweaty and gritty and dusty after a tough race.

He just cared that Kojiro was with him.

Finally, when they’d both grown too breathless to continue and Kaoru had slid the ring into place on Kojiro’s finger, Kojiro hugged him again, and said, “You know, I was going to propose at the fancy dinner I was going to take you to.”

Kaoru shoved him back, looking at him incredulously. “Seriously?” At Kojiro’s nod, he jabbed a finger into his chest. “You’re taking me to that dinner. And proposing.”

Kojiro threw his head back and laughed, and Kaoru felt a sudden thrill of elation with the realization that he was going to be hearing that sound for the rest of his life. 

“Whatever you want, sweetheart.” After a second, he added, “Whatever you want, forever.”

And— well, Kojiro always knew the right thing to say, didn’t he?

Kaoru kissed him again, just because he could.

Just because he wanted to.