Chapter Text
“I’ve got details on a new mission that would be perfect for you, Tobi!“
Madara narrowed his eyes on Hashirama suspiciously. Just earlier today they’d finally managed to con Tobirama into taking a break over the weekend, and now Hashirama wanted to settle him with even more work before then?
“Is it in need of your brother's unique skill set?”
“No, but-” Hashirama started but Madara cut in before he could present Tobirama with arguments in favour of taking the mission on a silver plate.
“Then I don’t see why the mission should impede his break,” Madara said with finality in his tone as he stared Tobirama down, daring him to argue. “If there is no one else available, I’ll do it myself.”
“But- uh,” their Hokage floundered. “It’s not, uh, your kind of mission, Madara.”
While the assessment was nothing but a surprise to Madara and Tobirama, it had Izuna seething in an instant. His little brother had always had a way too high opinion of him, and it didn’t temper as they grew older. It was as endearing as it was exhausting.
“What’s that supposed to mean?! Aniki can do any mission!”
“Ah, yes,” Hashirama backpedalled quickly, well aware of Izuna's fiery temper. “I’m sure Madara could if he wanted to. But your brother usually doesn’t do this kind of mission? Honeypots, that is.”
There was a moment of stunned silence before, expectedly, Izuna had to blurt his mind yet again.
“Hold up. You wanted to give a honeypot mission to Tobirama? In which world would the ‘White Demon of the Senju’ be perfect for honeypots, of all things?!“
“Well, he is the best at it.”
“Pfff. In his dreams, maybe. Who would want-”
“Izuna,” Madra interjected in a warning tone, bringing the argument to a stop before his brother put his foot into his mouth and said something that couldn’t be easily forgiven. Again.
As serenely as Tobirama watched him, he had Izuna’s demise already planned out and was merely undecided on how to dispose of the body. Even ever-foolish Hashirama looked miffed, and that had the potential to be more dangerous than anything Tobirama would come up with.
It wasn’t as if Madara couldn’t understand where Izuna’s disbelief was coming from. Tobirama was rather reserved and not exactly social. Even so, Izuna’s tone didn’t leave any doubt that the origin of his incredulity didn't stem from the same line of thought. It was unfoundedly rude. Especially since Madara, in all honesty, did easily believe Tobirama would be successful on honeypots. He was certainly attractive enough and since he could talk anyone in circles, it would be no hardship for him to entertain his mark for however long he needed to.
“All I’m saying is,” Izuna started reluctantly, and even without hearing him out, Madara knew he would have to fight the burning desire to strangle his brother. “I’m surprised he actually is aware that his tiny dick has other uses than taking a piss.”
Madara’s instinct had been right, of course. Kami, why was his brother like this?
“Aw, Izuna,” Tobirama tutted pityingly, and Madara shared a long-suffering glance with Hashirama. It was good they were at peace- as resistant as Izuna was to learn from his mistakes, Tobirama would have him killed in battle ages ago. As it was, he only eviscerated Izuna’s dignity. With sad but entertaining regularity. “For you to truly believe what makes or brakes a honeypot mission is your dick and nothing else… It’s quite saddening. My condolences to your paramours.”
“You ass! At least I can use my dick. Virginal scholar that you are, you’ve probably read one spicey book on accident and now you think you’re the expert on carnal pleasures without ever being able to get it up.”
“You’re right, I am quite the scholar,” Tobirama drawls, a slow smirk unfurling on his lips that gave him an even more fox-like appearance than usual. “Do you comprehend what that means?”
There was a brief pause, Izuna clearly not knowing what to do with Tobirama’s easy admittance.
“It means, that I possess excessive knowledge of the human body.“ A minor shift in position caused his robe to fall open just a tad wider than he usually allowed. “It means, that I have steady hands.” Huh. Playing with a strand of white hair were some long fingers, that Madara had never noticed before. “And most importantly-“ Tobirama tilted his head minutely and Madara’s eyes were drawn to the pale column of his exposed neck before he caught himself and met Tobirama’s knowing smirk. “It means that have absolutely no sense of shame.”
“If he's your clan’s best at honeypot missions, how come I never heard about it?”
“Oh, I had to take him off the roster.”
“Huh?”
“People kept trying to assign honeypot missions to themselves while asking for Tobirama specifically. My brother is a shinobi, no courtesan.”
“...”
“Madara? Are you alright?”