Chapter Text
Jeongguk is 15 years old when Bangtan Sonyeondan debuts.
He comes across their mv when he’s trolling through YouTube one evening. His mom’s already yelled at him for staying up too late on a school night, so Jeongguk pretended to go to bed, then snuck downstairs again to set up camp at the family computer. It’s a foolproof plan, obviously.
It’s a Wednesday.
That, he’ll always remember.
It’s a Wednesday and it’s 11:43 at night when he’s absently scrolling through dance videos. Minsoo at school was making fun of him for wanting to be a singer. Told him his dancing was crap. And Jeongguk wants to prove him wrong. Wants to find the coolest dance video and learn it and show that stupid shit how wrong he is.
“You’re such a mommy’s boy. She won’t even let you go to try outs for the dance team. What makes you think you could make it in Seoul?”
And okay it might be true. He loves his mom a lot and it kinda super sucks that she and dad don’t really think dancing and singing is a good idea. They’re worried, he knows. So many people don’t make it. Most people don’t make it. And maybe that’s a little too scary for him. And maybe his parents’ disapproval is also a little too scary for him. And maybe it’s a little too easy to just bow his head and say okay and continue on like dancing and singing doesn’t race through his blood. Like it’s not killing him to watch the dance team sweat and cry and laugh at their competitions while he sits on the sidelines before going home to study study study. And okay maybe he cries himself to sleep a lot because it’s just- everything is a lot. Okay? It’s a lot. The world is just so big and he’s so small and sometimes it’s hard to even breathe.
Because it’s- it’s not like he even really wants to make it big, you know? He just loves music. Loves to sing. Loves to dance. Why can’t he just do what he enjoys? Sure, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t fantasize about performing in front of thousands of people. Who doesn’t have the odd daydream? Who doesn’t think about who they are in an alternate universe? One where they have the guts and the gumption to go after what they want?
Jeongguk- he just wants to sing.
He just wants to dance.
It doesn’t really matter whether it’s in front of a crowd of thousands or just one person or alone in his room. As long as he’s doing what he loves and feels good doing it.
So.
Here he is. Sitting in front of his computer late on a Wednesday night, with fury shivering through his veins because he just wants to prove one person wrong. Just one.
It comes up along the edge of the screen. A recommendation. If you liked this video try out this one! kind of a thing. He squints at it with tired eyes. It’s from a channel called big hit. The preview is a boy wearing a snapback and huge chain around his neck standing in front of a school bus. Weird choice. It piques his curiousity. He squints at the title. BTS No More Dream Official MV. It doesn’t have a lot of views, posted just earlier today, but he might as well check it out. He’ll probably skip to a new video 30 seconds in like he’s been doing all night.
He clicks on the video.
--
You know when something just- resonates with you? Like- so much that you can feel it shiver right through your bones down to the marrow? So much so that it makes your hair stand on end? Your blood rushes through your ears, your heart just an incoherent thrum caught between your brittle, constricting ribs? How your focus narrows down to a single point of razor-sharp focus? Everything else around you gone hazy? Like- there’s echoes rattling in your skull. Something ancient and so terribly wonderful you forget to even breathe?
Yeah. That’s how Jeongguk feels when his mom finds him still hunched in front of the computer at 5am Thursday morning.
That’s how he feels as she yells at him.
That’s how he feels as he mindlessly tucks his toes into his shoes.
That’s how he feels walking down the foggy street, school bag slung over his shoulder. How he feels walking into homeroom. When Minsoo bumps into his shoulder and throws a nasty smirk. When the teacher opens his notes to today’s lessons.
That’s how Jeongguk feels as he stares out the classroom window, watching as the sun slowly breaks through the fog, dazzling rays of light peaking through grey clouds. Sweat starts to drip down his spine, making his uniform stick unpleasantly to his skin.
It’s almost the summer holidays and all he can think about is The Video. All he can hear is the echo of their words pulsing in his ears.
What were you dreaming to become?
Who do you see now in your mirror, I gotta say
Go your own way
Even if you live one day
Do something
Put your weakness away
“Jeon Jeongguk-ssi?”
Jeongguk blinks to the present with a gasp. The whole class is staring at him. The teacher peers through his glasses with a judgmental look. Someone’s already quietly snoring in the corner but the teacher doesn’t even bring attention to it. Just stares Jeongguk down like he’s the loser Minsoo says he is.
“Can you read from the passage on page 13 or do I need to ask one of your classmates?”
Cheeks instantly burning, Jeongguk scrambles to open his textbook. “N-no, sir. I’ve got it.”
Minsoo kicks the back of his chair, snickering. A few other people titter like it’s never happened to them. Like Jeongguk is the only stupid one.
After Jeongguk stumbles through the passage he slumps back into his chair, exhaustion and embarrassment making everything fuzzy and awful.
Still, those words echo in his ears, an insistent siren.
What is your dream?
What is your dream?
Is your dream just that?
Is your dream only that?
Jeongguk bites his lip, music thrumming through his veins, and thinks about six boys dancing across his computer screen, eyes so young and so, so hopeful.
--
The next couple years are bookmarked by both Bangtan Sonyeondan’s achievements and Jeongguk’s own.
Almost a month after their debut, BTS announces their official fandom name and Jeongguk spends the next couple weeks doodling ARMY over and over in the margins of his notebooks, on the backs of his hands.
About a month after that, BTS releases their We Are Bulletproof Pt.2 music video. Jeongguk learns the choreo in less than a week, but he also gets a 2.5 on his latest summer class exam and his parents really aren’t happy about that.
On September 1st BTS releases their O!RUL8,2? Tracklist. Jeongguk obsesses over it on his Twitter stan account. It’s also his birthday, but all of his friends are busy and his parents are working late. His brother grabs him tteokbokki and a cupcake at the corner CU but that’s kind of the extent of the celebrations.
The N.O music video drops, then the album. Two weeks later, Jeongguk has a massive fight with his parents. They’re furious he’s been spending more time in his room blasting music and learning choreo than studying. He’s furious with them. With the world. He doesn’t want to get perfect scores and go to a perfect university and land a perfect office job. He’d rather do anything than that. But really, he’d rather just dance. He’s brought up his high school’s dance team more than once the last couple months. More than he’s ever brought it up before.
He screams at his parents that he’d rather dance until he dies than slowly wither away at a desk.
Jeongguk’s never yelled at his parents before. He’s never felt so angry. So helpless. But there’s just something about N.O that burns within him. Catches alight. Blazes bright and awful and searing. The pounding of the beat is the pounding of his heart in his chest. Rap Monster’s swift, sharp rap rushes in his veins like blood. He’s been told no all his life. Isn’t it time for him to put his foot down and say it, too?
He gets grounded.
They confiscate his phone. His CD player. All his CDs. His sketchbooks. He’s banned from the computer. They sign him up for more tutors, more study clubs. He starts ditching his after-school study sessions to spend his allowance at internet cafes where he’s free to catch up on Bangtan Sonyeondan content. His parents catch on way too quick. They cut off his allowance. His curfew is now 7pm, earlier if his tutoring lets out sooner. He isn’t allowed to visit his friends. They aren’t allowed over, either.
He fails three tests in quick succession.
He overhears his mom talking with other parents on the phone. Voice hushed and distressed. He’s heard the other moms bragging about their children so often. Maybe his mom just wants a chance to brag about him, too. But why can’t she be proud of who he is instead of who she wants him to be?
He taps out the beats to songs he forces himself to remember. He sits in class and taps his pencil to the memory of Suga’s spitfire rap. Spends rare downtime in Phys Ed running through J-Hope and Jimin’s complicated steps, sings Jin and V’s heartfelt lyrics under his breath. He takes the extra 45 minutes to walk home instead of taking the train. Tells his parents it’s because he wants to stay fit, but really it’s so he can sing up to the endless sky, practicing his pitch, his rap, testing how high his voice can go.
October rolls around. Jimin celebrates his birthday and Jeongguk misses it. He doesn’t even know it’s happening because he’s stuck in a stuffy, sweltering classroom sweating his balls off. His back feels crooked, bent out of shape from sitting hunched over his cramped little desk. The tutor drones on in the front of the classroom while hundreds of people wish Jimin happy birthday on Twitter. While Jeongguk scribbles down half-hearted notes and dies a slow, painful death.
On October 22nd, Adult Child is released as an mv. A few days later, SUGA releases the final mix on SoundCloud. A day after that, Jeongguk promises his parents he’ll commit to studying. Promises he’ll do the very best he can in school. More than the best. Just- please give him back his phone. Please give him back his CDs. His sketchbooks. He hasn’t even been doodling as much in his notebooks, he promises. Please. Just- please.
The relief in his parents’ eyes is awful and not startling at all. They give him back his phone, his CD player, his CDs, his sketchbooks. He’s allowed on the family computer for 20 minutes a day, and that’s if he finishes all his assignments.
He does not promise to stop dancing.
He wonders if he should worry that they don’t even ask.
--
Jeongguk learns to be more subtle in his rebellion.
He’s studious, finishing all his assignments early so he can stay up late to practice choreo. He learns to be quick and quiet on his feet. So quiet it’s like he isn’t there at all. He learns how to memorize dancers’ movements after just one, two watches. He’s only allowed 20 minutes of time on the computer a night, after all.
His parents have cut off the internet on his phone and he’s got a limited number of texts, but he takes to borrowing his friends’ phones at lunch. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes no. He gives up more than a few lunches and candy bars, bribes for chances to scroll through Fan Café and Twitter.
He’s made a few anonymous friends online. Most of them are casual. All of them seem to find it fascinating that he calls BTS his hyungs instead of oppas. More than a few of them ask if he’s actually a boy, when it’s apparently so clear he’s got it bad for the boys. It makes his breath stutter, ribs constricting painfully about his heart. Does it matter? Should it matter? Gender doesn’t really seem important when Bangtan Sonyeondan are just- right there. Doing their thing. Being themselves. All intense and goofy and- and wonderful.
So why should gender matter at all?
It upsets Jeongguk more than he expects. More than he’s prepared to investigate. So he removes his pronouns from all his profiles. Avoids using gendered terms at all. Even when referring to the boys. People stop asking, but it never stops bothering Jeongguk.
On November 14th, Bangtan Sonyeondan wins New Artist of the Year at the MMAs. Jeongguk is sitting on the couch with his parents and older brother when it happens. Sometimes his parents like watching things like this. It’s not that they hate music, it’s just that they’re scared of what it’ll do to Jeongguk. Scared of what it’s already done.
So it’s honestly a surprise that after dinner his dad turns on the tv and- there the MMAs are. Jeongguk doesn’t really expect to see Bangtan Sonyeondan. Though they deserve all the awards he sees how people bash them online. It turns his stomach, fury hot in the back of his throat.
So.
He really isn’t expecting the win.
While the six boys rush up on stage, bowing over and over and over again, Jeongguk sits frozen on the sofa, eyes burning and chest expanding out out out as his blood rushes in his ears. He isn’t sure if he’d call this happiness. Happiness feels- too small for what he’s feeling. Too simple.
Too fleeting.
--
While Bangtan Sonyeondan is releasing Skool Luv Affair, Jeongguk is busy losing his mind.
With the Lunar New Year his parents have become a little less strict, a little less demanding. Finals are coming up and Jeongguk has given them every reason to think that he’s going to pass with flying colours. His grades have been steadily crawling up, his tutors and teachers gave noticed an increase in notetaking. He’s been meeting all their expectations by running himself ragged and they’re happy.
If he gets excellent marks on his exams, they’re going to allow him a whole hour on the computer every night. They’ll even let him start playing video games with his brother again. He can hang out at his friends’ houses as long as he’s gets his homework done.
But the problem is, Jeongguk is running himself ragged.
He barely sleeps. When he’s not studying, he’s practicing choreography. Singing in whispers so his parents don’t hear. And when he’s not doing that, he’s thinking about Bangtan Sonyeondan Bangtan Sonyeondan Bangtan Sonyeondan.
It’s like- it’s like they’ve whispered a secret in his ear. A half-heard secret. And he’s burning with barely understood knowledge. Yearning for more, dying for more. They’ve opened his eyes to a world where he doesn’t have to mindlessly trudge along waiting to die a meaningless death. Bangtan Sonyeondan are fighting for something they love. They give Jeongguk the courage to fight for what he loves, too.
Just…he’s got to be smart about it.
He’s got to pick his battles.
His parents go back to giving him an allowance, so the first thing he does is beg a friend to buy Skool Luv Affair for him on the downlow.
And boy, does the new album make it far too easy to imagine going to school with them. It’s? Kind of insane? How good they look in their uniforms? Why are they shaking up his heart? It’s so- so stupid. The way he stutters the lyrics when they sound so- not confident. But demanding. Jeongguk has never really demanded anything in his life. Well, except for last September but we all know what that got him. And well- okay. Except for his older brother to give over his ice cream, but Junghyun’s always fought dirty and usually it’s Jeongguk who loses out.
Which is why, one night at dinner, when Junghyun casually suggests that Jeongguk might get ahead in his studies if he joins Junghyun’s study group, Jeongguk isn’t expecting anything except yet another thing added to his plate.
But the next day after school, when Jeongguk starts to trudge after Junghyun, his older brother stops him with a strangely gentle touch to his shoulder.
“I know a place you can practice.”
Jeongguk stares dumbly. “Uh- what?”
Rolling his eyes, Junghyun pinches Jeongguk’s arm. “Come on. You didn’t think you were that sneaky, did you? My room’s right next to yours. I know you’ve been dancing or whatever in the middle of the night. Those bags under your eyes aren’t just from studying.”
It’s kind of embarrassing how fear immediately paralyzes him. Its cold, sharp fingers claw their way straight through the slivers between his ribs to grasp his heart, tight and unrelenting. His breath stutters in his chest and- he really can’t draw in any air after that. Junghyun— he can ruin everything. He can tell their parents and their parents will take away his phone again. The computer. His CDs. His sketchbooks. They’ll stop him from dancing and he’s just going to study and study and study until he rots—
“Hey.”
Jeongguk jostles as Junghyun shakes him a bit. There’s a strange look in his hyung’s eyes.
“You’re really serious about dancing, huh? No matter what mom and dad say.” Jeongguk really can’t understand the tone of Junghyun’s voice. But…there’s something in him that just- can’t lie. Not about this. Not when no one’s ever asked him before. Not like this.
“Yeah,” Jeongguk whispers. “I- yeah.”
Junghyun studies him for a second, eyes sharp and discerning. But Jeongguk can’t even fidget. He won’t. He’s never been so serious about anything in his life.
Then Junghyun’s huffing a laugh, tension easing from his body like the surf washing the shore clean. “You’ve always been such a stubborn kid. I’m glad you’re still the same little brother you’ve always been, no matter what mom and dad say.”
Jeongguk’s ears burn hot. Scowling, he bats away Junghyun’s hand. “And you’ll always be the same stupid older brother.”
Junghyun laughs harder. “Not so stupid. Like I said. I found a place for you to practice.”
Heart jumping into his throat, Jeongguk grabs at his hyung’s sleeve. “Wha-what do you mean?” It- no. It can’t be true. It’s too good to be—
Grin bright, Junghyun ruffles Jeongguk’s hair. “It’ll have to wait until after finals when mom and dad are a bit less intense. And no more stealing my ice cream, okay? And you’re gonna have to call me the best hyung forever.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever!” Jeongguk lies, head bobbing frantically. Of course he’s always going to try to steal Junghyun’s ice cream. Why wouldn’t he? Jeongguk deserves all the ice cream.
But…maybe Junghyun is the best hyung.
Now and forever.
--
On J-Hope’s birthday, Jeongguk is officially done with all his exams and he celebrates both by hooking his phone up to the practice room speaker. Hunched on the hardwood floor, he scrolls through his music for a minute before settling on some G-Dragon. Bopping his head, he taps his toes for the first few lines before bending in half to start stretching. He takes two whole songs to carefully stretch out his muscles. As eager as he is to dance, he doesn’t want to have to explain to his parents how he pulled a muscle.
When he feels loose-limbed enough, he flips to his feet. Popping his limbs to the beat without having to worry about how loud he’s being is…a relief. Such a massive relief that he can notice an immediate difference in himself. He hasn’t been so relaxed in months. Possibly years. It’s been so long since he danced without worrying about what anyone else thinks.
It's nothing short of a miracle that a friend of a friend of Junghyun’s goes to Busan Arts College. It’s even more of a miracle that she’s a senior in the dance program and more than willing to let an eager kid into one of the studios while she practices next door.
Jeongguk has no idea how Junghyun did it but he’s gonna owe him all the ice cream in the world for years. Maybe even three years. That’s how much Jeongguk loves his brother right now.
As the last chords of G-Dragon fade, Girls’ Generation rattles the speakers so loud Jeongguk can feel the vibration right down to his bones. It’s easy enough to switch from popping to swishing his hips. Girl’s dances are always so fun, and right now it’s the perfect warm-up.
He spends the next few songs building up a sweat, every so often catching his own beaming face in the large studio mirrors. It’s crazy how his face already aches. Maybe he’s been unhappier than he thought. Maybe…maybe Junghyun noticed.
But he doesn’t want to think about that right now. Not when he’s got the whole studio to himself for a couple of hours.
So, he doesn’t think about it. Instead, he sways with the beat over to the speakers and grabs his phone. Muscle memory has him flipping through his music library and landing right on BTS.
It’s tempting to go straight to the new album, because that’s all he’s been listening to for the past couple days but he doesn’t select it. Instead, he presses play on No More Dream. The beats rattles through his bones, rises up through him until he feels so fucking light it’s insane. He slides straight into Rap Monster’s pose, breathes through the memory of watching them for the first time, back what feels like ages ago on his clunky home computer.
“What is your dream?” Rap Monster asks, and as Jeongguk tilts into Suga’s choreo, he can’t bear to answer.
Not even in his own head.
--
Just a couple weeks later and it’s March 9th. It’s Suga’s birthday, and Bangtan Sonyeondan also announces their first fanmeeting. A concert in Olympic Hall, Seoul. It’s going to be at the end of the month. A Saturday. Jeongguk will have school.
Tentatively, he brings it up to his parents.
He gets shot down.
“You want to go all the way to Seoul for a- a concert? For a boy band?” His dad’s voice is incredulous, eyebrows thunderous.
Jeongguk can’t help but shrink in on himself. “It’s not a boy band,” he protests, voice thin and reedy. His eyes burn.
His mom sighs, shaking her head. She cups her cheek, eyes weary. “The school year just started honey. You can’t miss class. You just got back on track.”
“But- I’ll do all my homework!” Jeongguk desperately tries. “I’ll finish everything early! I’ll- I’ll get perfect scores on my first exams!”
“But you already do all that, sweetie,” his mom consoles, eyes awful and pitying. “And there’s no telling what scores you’ll get if you miss class.”
“But—”
“It’s a lot of money, son. A train ticket to Seoul and a ticket for the concert. Plus a room for the hotel. And you can’t go alone, one of us would have to go with you. We work, Jeongguk-ah. It’s just too hard to do. You aren’t going.”
There’s an awful, heavy pit in Jeongguk’s belly. A deafening rush in his ears. “But…I won’t ask for anything for my birthday…For Chuseok.” His eyes burn burn burn. “Please.” He hates that he sounds so quiet. So pathetic.
“I’m sorry, Gukkie. We just can’t.”
Jeongguk spends the rest of dinner utterly silent, picking at his food. He doesn’t even stay for dessert, just shoves his plate at Junghyun and rushes upstairs before his parents can protest.
Curling up in bed in the dark is a depressing relief, the hot tears less so. Sobs raw in his throat, Jeongguk imagines a fairer world. One where he gets to sing and dance openly, without fear of ridicule and consequences. Imagines a world where he gets to stand face to face with people he admires so so much. Meet their welcoming eyes, watch as they smile right at him and open their arms in an embrace.
A couple weeks later finds him right back where he was on March 9th, body shaking with sobs as he tries not to think about six boys dancing their hearts out on a stage that feels far more than just 200 miles away.
--
“Gukkie.”
It’s May 14th. Skool Luv Affair has been repackaged into a Special Edition album. Jeongguk can’t stop listening to Miss Right and Like (Slow Jam Remix).
“Girl you want my kiss, right?” Rap Monster croons in Jeongguk’s ear as there’s a knock at his door. Startling, he drops his pencil and immediately shoves his earphones off his head. They dangle awkwardly around his neck as he spins in his chair to face his bedroom door.
Junghyun lingers in the doorway, hand still raised. He raises a brow at Jeongguk’s weirdly disheveled appearance. Hey, it’s not his fault the two new songs are just…so…good. Yeah. Good. They don’t make Jeongguk’s heart race at all. Well- they do. They make his heart race in excitement because they’re so good and not—
Cheeks blazing hot, Jeongguk clears his throat. “Y-yeah? What’s up, hyungie?”
Now it’s his brother who looks awkward, shuffling his feet as he scratches the nape of his neck.
“Hey, so uh…” His brother trails off. Clears his throat. “I know you’ve been more down than usual since. Um. You couldn’t go to the concert.”
Jeongguk’s heart plummets. He watches as his brother nervously peers into the hallway, then shuts the door behind him. When Junghyun speaks again, his voice is hushed, like he doesn’t want their parents to hear. Tinny laughter blares from the television downstairs.
“I want you to be really really real for me,” Rap Monster’s voice floats up from his headphones, barely discernable in the quiet of his room.
“You know I’ve got a job down at that restaurant near school, right?”
Frowning, Jeongguk nods, confused about where this is going.
“Well, I think we can convince mom and dad to let you get a job, too.”
Jeongguk blinks. “What?”
Junghyun scowls, nose scrunching. It’s startling, sometimes, how similar they look. Jeongguk’s seen that same expression in the mirror plenty of times.
“If you get a job,” Junghyun says slowly, “then you can save up for train tickets. For concert tickets.” He raises his eyebrows meaningfully.
Jeongguk swears his heart stops. “But—” he starts, breathless, still too crushed to dare to hope. “But school—”
Junghyun rolls his eyes. “You don’t even know when their next concert is going to be, do you? What if it’s not a school day? But if it is, I can try to cover for you, or something. Even if you get found out, at least you’ll have gone, right?”
Jeongguk gapes. “Why- why are you helping me?”
When Junghyun raises his eyebrows this time, it’s incredulously. “I helped you get into the studio didn’t I? You’re still going, aren’t you?”
Ducking his head, Jeongguk shrugs awkwardly. He goes as often as he can, even if it’s only once a week. Junghyun covers for him every time.
His hyung’s voice is soft when he says, “It’s because you’re my brother and I love you. I hate seeing you so- so sad.”
And just like that- Jeongguk bursts into tears.
Junghyun is across the room in a second, bundling Jeongguk in his arms as he cries. He runs his his hands down Jeongguk’s back, through his hair. “Hey hey hey, it’s okay. I know things have been tough. It’s gonna be okay, Gukkie. It’s gonna be okay.”
“O-okay,” Jeongguk cries, sniffling. His headphones squish uncomfortably into the crook of his neck, folds one of his ears over.
“Oh god, I’m like the wind that is led by the weather that is you,” J-Hope singsongs so sweet in his ear. “You’re a flower, I’m a bee, I’m only going toward you.”
--
By Bangtan Sonyeondan’s first anniversary, they’ve released several Japanese songs, more YouTube videos, been on a radio show, and posted a bunch on Twitter and Fan Café. They’re also about to have a mini concert.
Jeongguk himself has been working at a CU a couple neighborhoods over for two weeks now. It took a little bit of convincing, but his parents are happy that he wants to be more responsible. They were wary at first, concerned that it’d take away from his studying, but in the end he convinced them that joining the workforce was the best way to get ahead of the rest of his classmates.
Working early mornings before school and after tutoring (or dance practice) means he’s more exhausted than usual, but at least he’s saving up. Sure, the morning rush before work and the after work rush isn’t so great. People tend to be grumpy and exhausted, just like Jeongguk, but the manager lets him play his own music, which means he’s playing BTS more often than not. Occasionally, he even gets to study in the lull between customers.
So even if he can’t make the mini concert for Bangtan Sonyeondan’s first anniversary, he still gets to blast No More Dream and sing along to his own little concert while he restocks the shelves.
--
The summer passes. Bangtan Sonyeondan releases their first full studio album. They gain even more of a following.
Jeongguk does so well in school that his teachers keep praising his parents for raising such an intelligent, studious child. It doesn’t make him hate school any less.
He also happens to catch the eye of a noona at the University.
“Wow, you’re good.”
Jeongguk chokes, stumbling a step in the choreo. He’s been trying some Mamamoo lately. The new group has really caught his eye and he hopes they go far. They’re such cool noonas.
Just like the noona now standing in the doorway to the practice room. She’s got bright scarlet streaks through her long hair. It falls in cascades around her shoulders as she watches him fumble with the speaker, hastily shutting off the music. He’s still sweating, panting a bit from exertion. He’s been in the practice room for almost two hours now. Soon it’s going to be time to meet up with Jyunghun and quickly go over his notes from the study session.
“Ah, sorry.” The young woman covers her mouth and bows slightly. “I didn’t mean for you to stop. I was looking for my unnie. I’m supposed to meet her in one of the practice rooms.”
“Oh.” Jeongguk’s still panting a bit. He’d been singing pretty hard while dancing. “Daeun-noona?”
The woman’s eyes light up. “Yes! You know where she is?”
Chucking a thumb at the wall, Jeongguk wipes the sweat from his brow. “Yeah. Noona’s next door. She just- um. Let’s me use this one.”
The smile on the woman’s lips is so soft and fond it almost hurts. He wants someone to look like that when they think of him, too.
“That unnie of ours is so nice, huh?”
Silent, Jeongguk nods, waiting for her to turn on her heel and leave. But she doesn’t.
The young woman tilts her head, studying him. “Was that…Mamamoo?”
Jeongguk blinks in shock. “Uh, yeah.” He starts bracing himself for a derisive word. He’s always gotten shit for dancing to girl’s songs.
“They’re so pretty,” the girl says instead. “And their songs are so catchy! I can’t stop listening to Mr. Ambiguous!” She laughs, bright and airy. “I might even sing it at our final showcase.”
“You sing?” The question is out of his mouth before he can stop it.
Her smile widens into a full-on grin. “I’m a Vocal Performance major. Singing is what I do.”
“That’s so cool…” Jeongguk gapes, awestruck. Daeun-noona is always so cool because she dances, and he’s met a few other dancers when she lets him in and out of the building. Sometimes she even lets him watch her group practice. Sometimes, if he’s very lucky, Daeun-noona even teaches him a few moves. But he’s never met anyone who loves to sing.
“You’re a pretty good singer, too, you know.”
“Wh-what?” Jeongguk ducks his head, cheeks so hot. “Uh- what? I’m- I’m okay.”
She raises a brow, mouth tilting crooked in amusement. “Uh-huh, and I’m just dabbling in music. I’m serious. You’ve got a good pitch. Nice and steady, full. You ever think about singing professionally? Or has dance consumed your heart like it’s taken over my unnie's?”
“N-no! I mean- I really like both.” It’s just that dancing has always seemed so much harder to do in secret. His parents don’t mind if they overhear him singing the occasional song here or there as long as he isn’t saying any profanity. But dancing… If they catch him dancing then they know he’s serious. They know he cares. Singing is easier to hide when everyone does it. When he’s just one in a crowd.
The girl hums thoughtfully. “What’s your name?”
“J-Jeon Jeongguk.”
“Welllll, Jeon Jeongguk, I’m Sun Binna. Want a singing coach?”
--
Jeongguk’s spends his birthday with Junghyun, a couple of Junghyun’s friends, Binna-noona and Daeun-noona.
It’s a school night but Jeongguk and Junghyun have been doing so well in their studies that their parents give them some money to go out to eat together. They’re busy working again so their sons are free to eat wherever their budgets allow.
They end up crowding around a table at a gogi-gui joint. At first it’s just Jeongguk and Junghyun and he’s about to ask why Junghyun grabbed a spot much too big for just the two of them when Binna-noona and Daeun-noona barge through the front doors with twin screeches of congratulations. It’s a bit embarrassing when Junghyun’s cool best friends show up because Jeongguk is still crying, but he’s just- so happy. So so happy. He doesn’t remember ever being so happy in his entire life. Except for when he was like, four. He got an ice cream cake for his birthday. He still dreams about it sometimes.
And he may not be four anymore, fingers sticky with melting ice cream and chocolate, but he is 17 years old. And he’s surrounded by people he doesn’t have to pretend around. Binna-noona and Daeun-noona are holding hands while Junghyun gets into a slap-fight with his friends for a good piece of pork which, as the birthday boy, it is only Jeongguk’s right to steal.
While Jeongguk stuffs his face full of juicy pork, Binna leans in to whisper in Daeun’s ear. The girl nods and hurriedly digs through her bag. Jeongguk nearly chokes when he sees the prettily wrapped package in her hands. It’s even got long, curling bows.
“N-noona?” Jeongguk gasps when he manages to swallow successfully.
“Just a little something from your favourite noonas,” Binna says, winking. She carefully takes the package from Daeun and presses it into Jeongguk’s shaking hands.
“You- you didn’t have to—”
“We wanted to,” Daeun-noona says, tone brooking no argument.
She’s always been such a cool noona, level-headed and intelligent. The way she dances is so elegant and full of passion. She’s one of the most dedicated people he knows. He’s so so so lucky that Junghyun got in touch with her. So incredibly lucky to have her in his life. He doesn’t know what he would have done without her, let alone without the practice room. He- really doesn’t want to think about what it’d be like without that outlet. Without the ability to freely do what he loves in private.
So he’s just a bit choked up when he carefully plucks the tape up and unravels the pretty wrapping.
It’s—
“The Summer Package,” he breathes, eyes wide. “How did you—?”
“We may have some insider knowledge.” Binna winks at Junghyun who sticks his tongue out at her.
Jeongguk hurriedly wipes his hands on his pants before opening the BTS 2014 Summer Package. He runs gentle fingers over the slogan, the edges of the pins. Then he quietly flips through the photobook as everyone peers over his shoulder.
“Wow, they really are pretty, huh?” one of Junghyun’s friends mutters. “I didn’t really get it until now, to be honest. Their music is kinda cool, but…”
Binna slings an arm around Jeongguk’s shoulders. Her hair is gathered high into a ponytail, revealing her buzzed undercut. The ends of her hair tickle the nape of his neck. “Soooo? Who’s your favourite? This one’s a super cutie.” She points a finger at Suga, careful not to touch the paper with her grease-stained hands.
Jeongguk’s ears burn. “Um—” he stutters.
Daeun sighs, pinching Binna’s cheek. “Hey now. Don’t you go lusting after Jeongguk’s boys.”
Binna laughs. “I know you think Jin is handsome. Weren’t you just talking about him earlier today? ‘Wow, Binna-yah. If it wasn’t for you, I think I would have fallen for that handsome face. Do you think Jeongguk-ah will lend me a CD?’”
Eyes wide and cheeks very red, Daeun shushes Binna, pulling her away from Jeongguk to slap her hands over her girlfriend’s face.
Jeongguk watches them with a strange ache in his heart. The first time he met Binna he’d- kind of suspected. Just- from the way Binna spoke about Daeun, eyes so soft, voice so loving. When he finally got to see them interact- the way Daeun brushed Binna’s hair over her shoulder. The way Binna tidied up Daeun’s things as the dance students wrapped up their practice. And then:
The way their fingers brushed. How Binna nuzzled into Daeun’s throat. The soft kisses Daeun placed on Binna’s shoulder.
It all kept adding up until Jeongguk caught them kissing at the door to the dance studio, so casual and quick like it was a habit. It probably was.
And okay, Jeongguk isn’t dumb. Binna’s made some very casual comments over the summer. About how Jeongguk loves Bangtan Sonyeondan more than any other band. How he seems to hang onto their every word, whether spoken or written. How Jeongguk is so cute for loving someone so much as he does.
She’s never said any of it judgmentally, just…like she understands. Like she’s giving him an in, if he chooses to pursue it.
But he hasn’t. He’s got too much on his plate. What with school and dance and now singing practice with Binna and keeping everything a secret from his parents. It’s just—
Too much to think about.
So he doesn’t.
“I- uh. Like all of them, I guess,” Jeongguk mumbles.
Junghyun laughs, but it isn’t mean. Just that he finds his baby brother adorably amusing. “You’ve definitely gone on about Rap Monster more than anyone else. You think he’s so cool. What about your hyung, huh? Aren’t I cool?”
“But he is cool,” Jeongguk grumbles. “The coolest.”
It’s a good night. Possibly the best night. Certainly the best birthday Jeongguk’s ever had, if he doesn’t count the ice cream cake from when he turned four.
Daeun gives him a hug goodbye and Binna kisses his cheek. Junghyun’s friends ruffle his hair and talk about how grown up Jeongguk is now. How soon he’ll be off to university like them. Too be honest, the comments stress him out a bit. It’s Junghyun’s first semester in uni and already he seems so stressed, as if he wasn’t before when he was just trying to get in to university.
But at least Junghyun’s quick to shove them down the street, laughing about how if they don’t get to bed now they’ll be falling asleep in class tomorrow.
The two of them walk the rest of the way home in comfortable silence, present clutch in Jeongguk’s arms and Junghyun’s arm slung over Jeongguk’s shoulders.
Before they head inside, Junghyun pulls Jeongguk close for a hug.
“I’m really proud of you, baby brother,” Junghyun murmurs.
But, as wonderful as this birthday is, nothing beats the Bangtan Sonyeondan tour announcement the very next day.
Privately, Jeongguk likes to think of it as their own birthday present for him.
--
“You have your phone?”
“Yes, hyung.”
“Your charger?”
“Yes, hyung.”
“Your tickets?”
Jeongguk gives a full-on scowl at that. “Are you serious?”
Raising his hands, Junghyun sighs. “I’m just- trying to make sure everything’s gonna go smooth, okay?” He runs a hand through his hair, foot tapping all jittery-like.
They’re standing outside of the train station, hoods pulled up in case any of their parents’ friends are around and recognize them. Busan is big, but it’s the train station so you never know.
“If Sungho calls you answer, you got that? Mom and dad think you’re staying with us at his place, but if they call me and want to talk to you—”
“Then Sungho will put me on speakerphone, and we hope they fuckin’ believe it.”
“Hey!” Junghyun swats at Jeongguk’s hair. “Who taught you to swear?”
Jeongguk sticks his tongue out. “You.”
A world-weary sigh caves in Junghyun’s shoulders as Jeongguk laughs. Then his brother is looking all serious again.
“You be safe, okay? Text me when you get on the train. Text me when you get to Seoul and when you get to the hotel. And then when you get to the concert- and after, too! Call me if anything happens. Seoul is big. Who knows—”
Jeongguk wraps his arms around his hyung and squeezes as tight as he can. “I’m gonna be okay. It’s just a concert.”
He can practically feel Junghyun roll his eyes. “It’s just a concert,” his hyung mocks. “You’ve only been talking about it nonstop since they announced it. I can’t believe you got tickets.”
Jeongguk pinches his hyung’s side, ignoring the startled yelp. “You’re the one who told me to get a job to save up! What did you think I was going to do?”
“You little punk.” Junghyun pinches Jeongguk’s side in retaliation and they scuffle for a minute before breaking apart, panting a bit.
Jeongguk stares up at his brother. He’s almost Junghyun’s height now, but his brother has always seemed so much older. So much wiser. Jeongguk kind of loves him a lot. A lot a lot.
“I love you,” Junghyun says softly.
“You’re so embarrassing.” Jeongguk shoves his brother away, snatches up his backpack and turns on his heel. He rushes up the giant staircase, fumbling with his ticket, too energized to take the escalator. But before he makes it to the top, he slows down. People jostle past, grumbling as they weave their way around him.
Jeongguk turns again. His brother is watching from the foot of the steps, hands in his pockets, expression anxious.
Jeongguk hefts his backpack a bit over his shoulder, anxious too but unwilling to admit it. He raises his hand and waves. Shouts, “I love you!” then runs all the way to the top of the steps like he can run away from all his problems as well as Junghyun’s disbelieving laughter.
--
The train ride is long. Jeongguk spends most of it watching the countryside and listening to BTS on repeat. Occasionally he gets enthusiastic texts from Binna and Daeun, who are so proud of him for going to Seoul all on his own to see ‘his boys’ as they like to call them. He also gets a few messages from Junghyun and Jeongguk fights the urge to ignore them since his brother is the one covering for him after all.
Then he’s in Seoul.
And Seoul….is big. Way bigger than in the movies. It’s- kind of terrifying to be honest. But Jeongguk isn’t going to be honest. He doesn’t want to worry his brother or his noonas. So he sends them an I’m alive selfie and scurries off to his cheap hotel.
Jeongguk is so so lucky that today is one of his school’s rare Saturdays off. Officially, he’s spending the night at Junghyun’s friend’s, studying to make up for the lost school time. Unofficially, he’s here.
In Seoul.
In just a few hours’ time he’s going to be AX-Korea, watching as Bangtan Sonyeondan dance their way across the stage while Jeongguk screams his lungs out.
He can barely believe it.
He checks into his hotel in a daze. Pays in cash. The room is small and the bed springy, but Jeongguk doesn’t really care, it’s the concert that matters. The concert is everything. He flings his backpack to the floor and himself onto the bed. He bounces with the momentum and turns up the volume on his BTS playlist.
The concert looms and looms until finally—
He’s standing in line.
He splurged at the merch line and bought a Rap Monster Red Bullet t-shirt. He can never wear it at home but what matters is that he has it. It’s tugged on over his stark white tee and it smells too new. A little plasticky. He wrinkles his nose even as he smoothes the shirt down in awe.
There are a lot of girls.
Like.
A lot of girls.
They crowd around him, backs and shoulders pressing awkwardly into him as they chatter, occasionally glancing up at him in curiousity and giggling. His cheeks haven’t stopped burning since he got here. It’s- sort of embarrassing. Being a guy and all alone at a concert where there’s a lot of women. He shouldn’t be embarrassed but he is. It’s hard not to remember the judging comments from Twitter whenever people found out he was a boy. And Jeongguk is notoriously bad for getting stuck in his own head.
He clutches at the lightstick he grabbed from the merch booth, too. It’s a simple thing, so generic. But the hard plastic in his hand grounds him. He clutches at his shirt, too. Thinks about how he’s wearing the same shirt as Rap Monster. How he’s going to see Rap Monster and everyone else in person in just a couple of hours.
He can’t believe it.
Time passes in a strange blur.
One second he’s standing in line and the next he’s getting rushed through the doors. His ticket gets scanned. He’s pushed and prodded and stepped on as he’s fighting his way through the pit. Tries not to think about how he might end up obscuring someone’s view. Tries hunching down and decides he’ll do that as long as he can until it starts hurting too much.
There are a couple guys maybe twenty feet to his right. They’re here together. He makes eye contact with one of them and they exchange a short nod before the two go back to conversing. They’re both wearing concert tees but Jeongguk can’t read the lettering to even guess who their biases are.
The lights go down, there’s a hush, and then the crowd is screaming, it’s roaring. Jeongguk has never felt so much energy. So much excitement.
So much love.
The VCR starts playing and everyone around him laughs and screams.
And then—
N.O
For years, Jeongguk will remember the concert both in vivid detail and as if it was a hazy dream.
Only one hundred feet away and yet he’ll still remember the exact angle of Jimin’s body as he pulled off a crazy twirling flip. He’ll trace the memory of J-Hope’s heart-shaped smile, the echo of his laughter ringing in his ears. He’ll remember how V asked the crowd to shout his name, and then smiled sheepishly as he said No, my name! He’ll remember Suga’s growling rap, the wildness of his movements, drunk off the energy of the crowd. He’ll remember the ethereal cast of Jin’s profile as he leaned into his mic, voice full of passion as he glowed in the light.
And of course, he’ll always remember the high, golden crest of Rap Monster’s hair. His earnestness. The joy in his eyes as he talked to the audience, to his fellow members. The way he led his friends with grace and kindness and decorum. There was an intelligence to him that Jeongguk will always find attractive, in every way, shape and form. There was never a doubt in his mind that Rap Monster is the best leader anyone could ask for, but that concert will forever cement it.
He screams all the fan chants. Loses himself in the beat. There are tears on his cheeks but he hardly notices.
It’s the best night of his life.
When he returns home on Sunday morning, he’s exhausted. Overwhelmed. Filled to the brim with a kind of joy and pride he’s never experienced so intensely before.
His hyung meets him at the station and Jeongguk falls into his arms, rambling a mile a minute as he cries. Daeun-noona and Binna-noona demand play-by-plays of the concert when he sees them two days later. He keeps his concert tee and the lightstick tucked away far beneath his bed, where even his mom doesn’t go.
A week later he passes two exams with flying colours.
Their parents never suspect a thing.
--
Then, on April 17th 2015, Bangtan Sonyeondan disbands.
Jeongguk is 17 years old.