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Arthur has fallen asleep on Merlin’s shoulder, his side pressed snug and warm against Merlin’s as they sit together on the bus. It happens often enough that Merlin doesn’t mind, and he shifts himself to better accommodate his friend.
They’re off school for the day, sharing earbuds with one piece in Merlin’s ear and the other in Arthur’s. Gazing out the window of the bus, Merlin taps his fingers on his knees to an upbeat song, not thinking too much about life and simply enjoying this peaceful moment.
When the bus slows to a stop, Merlin automatically brings up a hand to keep Arthur’s head from slipping off his shoulder. Then the bus starts up again and Merlin places his hand back in his lap, tapping to another catchy tune.
Three minutes pass and the earbud goes silent, indicating that the playlist has ended. Sighing, Merlin wriggles Arthur’s mobile from his lax hand and unlocks it with a passcode that’s easy to remember—his own birth date.
He wouldn’t call this intruding on Arthur’s privacy, not when they’ve been best mates since they were wee, tiny, trouble-making, sniveling brats—according to his mum anyway. He shares everything with Arthur: school, friends, toys, homework, food, the route home, similar interests in movies, games, and even music. Naturally, Merlin would also know about Arthur’s passcode to his mobile (in turn, Merlin also shared his own). So, he thinks nothing of it when he swipes through Arthur’s minimal playlists.
There’s one called “For us” that Merlin smiles at, the one that has just ended with the loop setting turned off. Then there’s “Working Out,” “Studying,” “Bad Day,” and—Merlin’s thumb pauses over the last one.
For Merlin.
It’s a new playlist that he doesn’t remember seeing before and, naturally curious at seeing his name, he clicks on it. Most of the songs and artists displayed in the list aren't ones he recognises but, assuming these must be songs that Arthur thinks he will like, Merlin selects shuffle to start.
The first song catches him by surprise. It’s slow with melancholy lyrics and a sorrowful voice—completely not what Merlin would have an interest in hearing at first. He likes head bobbing beats and lyrics that are easy to remember and to sing along with. He likes songs of the masses, something simple that feels good and uplifting. Arthur knows this. “For us” is filled with those kinds of songs— their kind of songs.
Merlin glances sideways at Arthur, who slumbers peacefully on his shoulder as the next song plays.
This time, it’s not as sorrowful, but the beat is still measured and the lyrics are more or less similar in topic. In fact, after listening for nearly twenty minutes, Merlin realises that most of the songs are similar: sad, slow, and about lost love, yearning, or heartache. There’s the occasional mellow and not so sad one, although still about love (minus the heartbreak).
It’s not that Merlin can’t appreciate good songs when he hears them, but he just doesn’t understand how this playlist is related to his current self. Perhaps this is for when someone breaks up with him? Or when a crush rejects him? But Merlin has neither interest in dating nor has his eyes on anyone in particular. His focus is studying, gaming, hanging out with his mates, and being best friends with Arthur (which is almost a full-time thing, really). Who has time to be heartbroken, let alone fall in love?
Before Merlin can think further, his stop flashes by the window and he rushes to press the button on the side bar to his right too late. His abrupt movements jostles Arthur awake.
The blond rubs his eyes sleepily and straightens himself, yawning. “Are we there yet?”
“We just missed it!” Merlin replies, quickly handing Arthur back his mobile.
“What! How did you forget to press the dinger!” Arthur hisses as they hastily collect their school bags and stand up.
Merlin doesn’t answer, focused on getting through the aisle to the back door of the bus.
They have to walk an extra fifteen minutes to get back home, but this is something Merlin also doesn’t mind. It means more time with his best mate as they talk about their school projects and what’s the plan for Saturday tomorrow. He almost forgets that he’s still wearing the earbud until his left ear becomes silent.
“Oh right, I should return this,” he says, taking it out when they nearly reach his home. He places it in Arthur’s palm and grins, “I didn’t know you could be so thoughtful as to make a breakup playlist for me—not that I would need it.”
He laughs at Arthur’s wide eyes and slightly parted mouth, then muses as his friend’s face also tints with pink. “Y-you were listening to that list the entire time?” Arthur asks.
“Only when the original one ended and you didn’t have loop or auto-play set up,” Merlin answers, shrugging as they continue to walk, but Arthur has slowed a few steps behind.
“What…do you think?”
“Think?” Merlin stops and waits for Arthur to catch up. “I think it’s funny that it’s for me. I’ve never been in love and you’ve already prepared something like that,” he says chuckling.
“…Never?” Arthur repeats hesitantly. “You’ve never had your heart skip or feel nervous around… any one?”
Merlin thinks about all the times his pulse quickens when he sees Arthur’s grinning face or when he dresses particularly well, but that’s nothing new as Merlin has felt that way for a long time. It just doesn’t count because he and Arthur are best mates.
Merlin snorts before answering, “You don’t think I wouldn’t know if I was in love? Of course I’d know, you dollophead.”
Arthur seems to drag his feet as they continue down the footpath. “So you have been in love? And you never told me?”
Merlin shrugs. “I don’t have to be in love to know that my heart will race and that I won't be able to think straight. There just isn’t someone I feel that way with yet, not like I do when I’m with you at least.”
Beside him, Arthur stops completely and Merlin glances back in confusion. “What’s wrong?”
“Say that again.”
“Say what?”
“About how you feel about me.”
Merlin sighs in exasperation, nearly rolling his eyes. “Arthur, your ego is already so big. Do you really want me to say that my heart races when you’re near me and that sometimes I can’t sleep at night when I think about you?”
Arthur blinks at him and Merlin blinks back, not understanding what his friend is trying to prove.
“Yes.” Arthur nods, a smile tugging the corners of his lips. “Now say it once more.”
Merlin huffs and turns away from how endearing the blond looks, a stuffy warm feeling spreading through his chest. “I am not telling you again that you make me happy every time you smile, or when you laugh,” Really, Merlin could be home by now instead of talking about this nonsense.
Arthur quickly catches up and asks, “For how long?”
And there’s that wide smile on Arthur’s face now, the one where his canines and dimples become visible, eyes brightening like stars—it makes Merlin glance away again as he replies, “Well, when did we consider each other best mates?”
“Beginning of secondary?”
They're in sixth form now but was it only that long ago? Seems longer. Seems like this cosy and fuzzy feeling towards Arthur has always been there.
“Anyway,” Merlin says, waving a dismissive hand, “there isn’t anyone I feel like that way towards—actually,” Merlin suddenly thinks, “there’s Freya. She looks lovely when she smiles.” Although it isn’t as lovely as Arthur’s imperfect one. Then Merlin remembers their other friends and starts to list them too, not noticing Arthur’s smile shrinking with each name. “Then there’s Gwen; she's pretty sweet.” Although again, nothing tops Arthur’s when he tips his head back and laughs out loud. The whole world seems to revolve around him then.
“…What about mine?” Arthur demands with an edge to his voice.
Merlin doesn’t catch it and answers simply while looking thoughtfully ahead. “Yours can’t be compared, it already has a special place with me. I just need to find that one person who can shine above you.”
“…Do you have to?” Arthur asks and his voice sounds glum.
Merlin finally looks at him, chest constricting at his friend’s slouched shoulders and downward gaze. “I don’t want to,” he admits, “but I’m afraid someday it will happen. Don't we all find someone to marry eventually?”
“…What if I found someone already?” Arthur murmurs.
Merlin’s fingers, wrapped around the straps of his backpack, turns clammy and his heart stutters as he focuses entirely on Arthur. They’ve never talked about love interests or crushes—it simply didn’t happen. Not when they’ve been with each other almost every day of every year together, too busy being best mates. That was already enough on Merlin’s plate on top of family, their social circle, school, and their extracurricular activities. There’s no room for anyone else—at least that’s what Merlin thought. But who has slipped into Arthur’s life without him knowing?
“You…you’re in love with someone? For how long? Since when? Why don’t I know about it?” Merlin fires off, a queasy and uneasy feeling tumbling in his stomach.
Does that mean they can’t hang out anymore? No more late night gaming, no more sharing each other’s food, no more copying each other’s homework, texting and talking at all odd hours of the day, sleeping over, walking home together, and no more sharing their earbuds?
“…Since spring. You know him very well,” Arthur says, eyes flickering towards him for just a moment before darting off.
He? Not that it mattered if Arthur liked a girl either, but what mattered to Merlin the most is that Arthur even likes someone at all. When he’s been with Merlin the whole time.
With this newfound knowledge, the pounding in Merlin’s heart aches as it never has before. He stares at Arthur’s quiet figure, at his blue blue eyes, his slightly crooked nose, and his chapped peach lips—perfect in every way in Merlin’s eyes. Then Arthur’s playlist comes to mind and Merlin suddenly understands all of the singers’ aggrieved voices. He understands their bitter and yearning lyrics. He understands having, wanting, and losing. What he doesn’t understand is why he’s utterly heartbroken.
He has never been in love and he has never dated. He shouldn’t feel like he’s been cheated on—if being cheated on felt like being torn apart. He shouldn’t feel this out of sorts over Arthur telling him he’s in love with someone. No matter how he feels, however, this isn't about him in the end. He should be a best mate and best mates cheer best mates on.
Merlin doesn’t ask who the lucky person is that has caught Arthur’s eyes, not ready for the inevitable hurt that’ll come at the answer. He just gives Arthur a small tight smile, hopes it looks encouraging, and tries to speak without his voice cracking. “I—f you really like him then…you should—” he swallows hard, “ask him out.”
“…You think so?” Arthur says. When Merlin can finally force his head to nod and not shake, Arthur smiles softly, gaze lowering, and murmurs, “Then I’ll tell him tomorrow.”
That night, instead of counting sheep, Merlin counts all of the boys in his school that he knows; effectively, unintentionally, keeping himself awake. By the morning, he has a top five list based on handsomeness, character, intelligence, fitness, and humour (because one has to be able to make Arthur laugh daily to deserve to be with him). After, Merlin doesn't get of bed, too busy soaking his pillows with tears as he laments over the fact that he comes nearly close to last in all those categories he made.
Arthur arrives later that afternoon, as he does nearly every Saturday, but Merlin can barely face him with how charming the blond looks in a plush red pullover, dark jeans, hair perfectly mussed, and a golden smile to polish his adorable look off. The thought of not being able to see him this way again sets a prickling sensation through Merlin's ears and nose.
“What’s wrong with your eyes?” Arthur asks, tilting his head to look at Merlin who sharply turns away and sniffles.
“My mum was cutting onions,” he lies as he passes the kitchen.
Arthur calls out a quick greeting to Merlin's mum before catching up. “Really? I don’t smell any—”
“Let’s just go up already!” Merlin says loudly, shoving Arthur up the stairs to his bedroom.
They don’t do homework, or game, as was the plan. Instead, Arthur tells him he has something to say. They sit beside each other on the bed, legs hanging off the edge and their thighs nearly touching.
Arthur clears his throat and Merlin steels himself to hear the bad news—that Arthur has already confessed to the boy he likes and that it’s mutual. Soon, there will be no more Arthur and Merlin. They’ll be two halves again. Never whole.
“So,” Arthur starts, not looking at him as his fingers curl into the dark denim covering his knees, “I…well, um…”
Already Merlin wants to cry. Like he had all night thinking who Arthur would confess to. Still, he encourages Arthur with a pat on his shoulder like a good best mate.
But Arthur curses and sighs before reaching into his school bag. He pulls out his earbuds and his mobile. “It’ll be easier like this,” he says, shoving the earbuds into Merlin’s hand.
The music that plays when Merlin reluctantly puts them in is happy and upbeat with heartwarming lyrics about falling in love. The next song that plays is a feel good one too about reciprocal affections. Then the next and the next and the next don’t stray too far from being romantic and light-hearted; Merlin's throat tightens. The message is clear. Arthur has already confessed his love to the unnamed boy and they are now together. Leaving Merlin behind.
Still not looking at Arthur beside him, Merlin’s stare fixes on his door until it turns into a wet blur. When the catchy chorus of the song comes on, he suddenly cries out loud, unable to keep in his anguish as he sobs with choked breaths and a runny nose.
“Merlin?” Arthur startled with alarm and flounders for a bit before wrapping an arm around Merlin’s shoulder. “A-are you that happy, or...sad? I can’t tell with all those ugly fat tears on your face.”
“W-why don’t you just s-say it a-already?” Merlin wails, slumping into Arthur’s side and wipe his tears with his sleeves. “Just t-tell me t-that you have a boyfriend and t-that we’ll no l-longer hang out a-anymore!”
“Merlin, what are you—”
“W-was it Lance or G-Gwaine that said ‘yes’?” Merlin sobs loudly.
Arthur stiffens and then groans with frustration. “Merlin…you know how I call you an idiot all the time?”
Merlin tries to calm himself and answer, “Yes. A-are you going to tell me you’ve never m-meant any of it to make me feel better?”
“Oh, I’ve meant it every time I’ve said it. Especially right now.”
Crying even more, Merlin pushes himself away, but Arthur holds him tight around the shoulders. “I’m pouring my eyes out a-and you’re still a p-prat towards me. What kind of b-best mate are you?”
Arthur rubs his upper arms soothingly, as if in apology, and lets Merlin’s head fall back against the crook of his neck and collarbone. Their thighs and ribs touch and Merlin feels Arthur exhale with a heavy sigh. “Merlin,” he says above the top of his messy head once Merlin's breathing slows, “just look at the playlist.”
With a hiccup and a sniffle, Merlin takes the mobile Arthur hands to him and half-heartedly unlocks it. He has to wipe his eyes a few times before his vision clears and looks at the current playlist.
With You.
Merlin blinks but the bold title of the playlist is still there while joyous voices sing in his ear. He swipes back to find the “For Merlin” playlist and…it’s not in the music library anymore. Or maybe it’s been replaced?
“…Do you get it now?” Arthur mumbles beside him, hand still rubbing Merlin’s arm from the shoulder to the elbow. For a moment, Merlin feels Arthur’s heart beating fast and strong through their sides pressed against each other. Or maybe that’s Merlin’s own? Or maybe their pounding hearts are in sync?
Merlin thinks wouldn’t it be wonderful if Arthur felt the same way as him. In the same thought, he questions why would it? And answers it himself with an abrupt epiphany.
Because I’m in love with him already.
And he loves me too.
What a fool Merlin had made of himself yesterday, speaking as if he knew about love when really he did not know a thing about all the forms it could take and their intricacies. But Arthur knew. And continued to let him be a fool.
Well, Merlin wouldn’t let him get away with that.
“No…I don’t get it,” Merlin finally answers, keeping his head low and covering the slow smile that spreads across his face as giddiness invades his body. “You have to tell me clearly. I’m an idiot after all.”
“…I can’t believe you’re the top student in our grade,” Arthur mutters under his breath. Then he shifts his position, that somehow presses them closer together, and awkwardly clears his throat. “What I’m trying to say is that…I feel...the same way…as…you…do...”
His voice softens at the end, nearly becoming a whisper. “And what is that?” Merlin asks, still secretly grinning as he pauses the playlist.
Arthur has stopped rubbing Merlin’s arm, but his palm covers Merlin’s elbow in a comforting, intimate, way.
“…When I’m with you…grey skies turn into blue,” Arthur says quietly, which isn’t what Merlin expects at all. Then Arthur continues and Merlin can’t quite believe what he hears next. “When you smile, I forget about everything. Sometimes, it feels like I can’t breathe with how fast my heart beats when you’re close to me. Other times, I can’t sleep when I think about you too.”
These aren’t easy for Arthur to say and Merlin knows this. Feelings just aren’t his friend’s forte. So, with each of Arthur’s confessions, the lump forming in Merlin’s throat becomes bigger and bigger. “…And what does all of that mean?” he asks, knowing the answer already but still wanting to hear it.
Arthur swallows audibly and his hand squeezes Merlin’s elbow. “It means the person I’m in love with is you, you idiot.”
Despite the insult at the end, the words are music to Merlin’s ears. Partially laughing and crying at the same time, he then wriggles an arm between their bodies and settles around Arthur’s waist, grinning up at the blond’s flushed face as he squeezes him. “I love you too, dollophead.”
The smile Arthur sends him is exasperated yet fond. “I know,” he murmurs and they sit there for a while longer in each other’s arms, listening to the rest of the playlist.
When they later tell their parents and friends that they’re “together now,” they receive blank expressions and mixed responses.
“Tell us something we don’t know,” their friends said with raised brows.
After looking confused, Merlin’s mom congratulated them while clearly feigning a gasp. “I had absolutely no idea!”
“What do you mean ‘now?’ What have you two been the other times then? ‘Best mates’?” Arthur’s father had demanded.
“Huh,” Merlin says as they stroll back to his place.
“Huh,” Arthur agrees beside him.
“So everyone thought we were already dating.”
“Seems like it.”
“They knew before we did.”
“I guess so.”
Silence falls between them as they continue down the pavement, occasionally bumping into each other’s shoulders when their steps mismatch. Then Arthur reaches into his pocket and pulls out his earbuds, giving one piece to Merlin while putting the other in his own ear.
Merlin recognises the “For us” playlist when it comes on and instantly hums to the first track. His hand reaches out for Arthur’s at the same time the blond reaches for his, their fingers and knuckles entwining perfectly together in the middle. Glancing sideways between them, a shy curl to their lips despite their years of familiarity, they then walk as they’ve always walked, on a path well-known with their shadows connected and a playlist of melodies to fill in the silence.
Only now, their hearts are in tune with each other’s.