Chapter Text
Silence welcomed Chay as he walked into his house, locking the door (and gate) behind him. He observed the living room which was connected to the kitchen. Everything looked spotless as if the events of the morning never happened, like it was just a dream.
He hoped that it was a dream so that wouldn't have to live through the fear and anxiety he felt. A sharp pain washed through his body as he remembered the random men grabbing him and sedating him when Kim was still in the house.
Kim.
Chay closed his eyes as he slumped his shoulders thinking about the man he loved. The man who lied about who he was.
"Hia, what's going on? Why are you here? Why are we here?"
Porsche looked blurry as Chay looked up at him through the oxygen mask. His older brother was sporting bruises on his face and arms, he also had dirt smudged all over him but Chay assumed that he did too.
"Chay, I don't work as a bartender on a private island," Porsche began. Chay cut him off by snorting.
"Yeah no kidding."
He ignored the displeased look Porsche gave him as he continued. "I work for the Theerapanyakuns, they run the mafia in Thailand. I work for Kinn, he is the heir of the main family."
Chay drowned out the rest of what his brother was saying as he focused on the word 'mafia'. It was as if he was in a movie, a really bad, terribly produced movie. Because these types of things don't just happen to him and Porsche.
Chay wasn't paying attention until Porsche mentioned Kim.
"Wait what? Can you repeat that?"
Porsche sighed loudly looking over to see Kinn speaking with Arm. He turned back to his brother. "That's Kinn, the one smoking, he's the heir of the main family. I work under his detail. The oldest is Tankhun, and the youngest is Kim. He is the one who got you out of the warehouse."
Chay blinked up at his brother and dropped the oxygen mask in shock, which was quickly picked up and brought back to him by Porsche. Chay turned his face to avoid it. "Do you know what Kim looks like?"
Porsche looked surprised by the question but turned his head in thought. "He was dressed in all black, and he had longish hair, a little longer than Kinn's. He was tall and well-built but not too muscly." He shook his head. "I didn't get a good look at him, I was otherwise preoccupied and I wanted you out of there."
Chay shakily pulled out his phone, the one Porsche gave back to him earlier. His heart was racing and he was grateful that the paramedic wasn't checking up on him because he knew they would freak out. "Did he look like this?" He showed Porsche the photo that he has taken of Kim when he was at their house. He was quietly playing the guitar he gifted Chay and looked up just as the younger man snapped a photo of him. He was sporting a close-mouthed smile as he was looking so softly at the photographer who was beaming with absolute joy.
The way Porsche's eyebrows furrowed and then quickly raised up in surprise told Chay everything he needed to know. Kim was a Theerapanyakun, a mafia prince. Kim, Wiꓘ, was a mafia prince.
"H-he told me that he didn't have any siblings," Chay stuttered out, looking helplessly at his brother. "Do you think he knew who I was, if you are working for his family?"
Please don't be true.
Porsche looked uncomfortable yet angry as he nodded. "Yes, Kinn knew everything about me when we met," he left out the part when he was tied down to a chair. "So I don't doubt that Kim knew who you were too."
Chay laughed humorlessly, bringing the oxygen mask to his face once again, fighting the strong urge to cry. "He offered to tutor me for my practical exam," he explained when he saw the questioning look on his brother's face.
Chay hated the way Porsche looked at him, so full of pity as he cooed, "Oh Chay."
Chay shook his head, "whatever, I just want to go home." He added, "with you." He saw the way Porsche blinked at him and looked at Kinn, who was watching him with a soft smile.
"Why don't you come with me and Kinn?" Porsche offered, attempting a smile. Chay's heart dropped at what his brother was saying. He would rather stay with Kinn than with Chay. Porsche knew immediately what his brother was thinking because he said, "I just want you to be okay. If something happens to you, I don't know what I would do."
What a hypocrite. "And you don't think I feel the same? All we have is each other and you're telling me that you want to live this life? Where you can get hurt at any time?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Come home hia," Chay cried. "I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."
Porsche looked conflicted as he stared at his brother, reaching out his hand to run it through his thick locks. "I love Kinn, I can't leave him."
Oh.
Chay gulped, wincing as he felt the painful lump in his throat, and sent a small smile to brother. "I understand hia." Chay pushed himself up from the gurney as he placed the oxygen mask next to him and got off. He gently pushed his brother aside as he walked around the ambulance and away from Porsche. He heard his brother yelling after him but not running to come and get him. The old Porsche would have run after him, threw him over his shoulder if he had to, drag him to where he was going and sit him down to communicate properly.
He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, turning around to see a bodyguard with glasses smiling at him. Chay noticed that it was the same bodyguard who was talking to Kinn. "Hello Porschay, my name is Arm. I have been told to take you home."
So that is how Chay found himself alone in his living room.
If Porsche was telling the truth, if Kim really did find him, why would he just leave him to have him wake up alone?
Did offering to tutor him after he declined Chay the first time have anything to do with knowing who he was? Every single moment they spent together flashed through his head, making him feel sick and slightly dizzy. Tell me it wasn't a lie.
Chay was on his way to his room when an object on the dining table caught his eye. It was the plate of eggs and rice he made for Kim, sitting cold whilst it remained untouched. His eyes moved to the sticky note next to the plate.
Sorry, got to go.
Chay stared at the writing as he tried to comprehend what was happening. Obviously, Kim wrote that when Chay went to the gate, so he was planning on leaving when Chay was gone.
He needed to sit down.
Chay shakily sat down, wincing from the bruising on his torso, where Kim sat earlier, trying to process everything that had happened. Kim was planning on leaving, no sneaking out, and then he also left after he found Chay in the warehouse. Chay sighed, picking up his phone to see that he hadn't received any messages from anyone.
Wanting to get some answers, he opened up his messages to text Kim.
P'Kim
Are you okay?
He sent it, hoping that it didn't seem too pushy nor cringey. He didn't want Kim to know that he knew who he was, at least not yet. It would be better if they talked in person.
Not wanting to be that person who checked his phone for a text every few minutes (or seconds), Chay thought that it would be best if he went to sleep. Turning off his phone, he went up the stairs to his room. He took a shower to wash off the dirt from the day's activities before heading to bed. He must have been more tired than he thought because he was out like a light.
The next morning Chay woke up to the largest headache of his life. He groaned, stretching his limbs out in a starfish position. When the throbbing slightly decreased, he got up and trudged his way over to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Chay noticed how the swelling around his cheeks and jaw had increased though he knew it was a part of the healing process so he wasn't so worried.
As he made his way downstairs, he had to push away the constant urge to turn his phone on and see if he received any messages from Kim. He told himself that he was going to do it after he had his breakfast, took ibuprofen and took a shower, trying to leave it to the last possible moment.
Of course the process of his phone turning on felt so long that he nearly jumped when the screen showed his lock screen: a selfie of him and Kim. They were nestled together on the very same couch Chay was sitting on, smiling at the camera. Chay was absolutely beaming whilst Kim sported a smirk.
Chay pouted in disappointment when he saw that he didn't have any new messages.
Maybe he's just tired. He did have a long day yesterday.
The next time Chay reached out to him was in the late afternoon. He tried distracting himself by watching the drama he needed to catch up but not even Jang Jae Young could halt his thoughts for more than five minutes at a time. He looked at his phone and against the commonsense part of his brain, grabbed the device and called him, pressing the screen against his ear. He heard the ringing until it abruptly went to voicemail, almost as if his call was denied right away. His chest ached and tears ran to the surface of his eyes that he couldn't even leave a message. He just sniffled and hung up.
Chay looked up at the ceiling blinking away the tears. He didn't understand why Kim just abruptly stopped speaking to him, was he embarrassed now that Chay knew of his true identity? But if Kim knew that Chay knew who he was, then wouldn't he want to talk to him about it?
His head hurt.
For the rest of the day, Chay did his best to not think about Kim: clean his room, cook a dish from this new recipe he found, write a new song. But everything he did always went back to the older man that made Chay's heart race.
It was almost nine in the evening when Chay messaged Kim again. This is the last time, he told himself. If P'Kim doesn't message or call me by the time I wake up, then that's it.
Chay took a deep breath before typing his message.
P'Kim
Do you think we can talk about what happened?
He didn't want to beat around the bush anymore. He now knew who Kim was, Kim knew that Chay knew who he was. He just wanted to understand why Kim never told him, that if he already knew who Chay was, was there a reason he offered to tutor him after he said “no” the first time? He just wanted answers.
Shaking his head, Chay threw the phone on the couch before going to his room to sleep. It was quite early for him but he thought that he deserved a few extra hours of rest.
Chay woke up to zero messages and missed calls.
He stared at the dark screen that sat on the dining table next to his plate of breakfast. He swallowed the large lump in his throat, suddenly losing his appetite.
Porschay got ghosted.
And at once, everything made sense.
It made sense at how Kim called him without Chay giving him his phone number. Why Kim was asking him so many questions about Porsche during their first tutoring session, why he showed up to his house without Chay giving him the address. It was because Kim already had information on him and knew that Porsche worked for his family.
It made sense as to why Kim wasn't responding to him a few weeks back, after he asked to write a love song for him. Why Chay randomly showed up to his studio because Kim wasn't talking to him. Why Kim was planning on leaving after he spent the night.
Chay gasped when he thought of that morning and groaned, covering his face in his hands. "Oh no," he mumbled as he thought about how he told Kim that he loved him. "Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing. I am never leaving my house again."
Now he understood why Kim never said he liked him back the day he confessed in the studio, why he never said that he loved him back. He probably only kissed him to shut him up and Chay's chest ached at that thought. Kim only saved him that day because of moral obligation.
Chay couldn't help the sob that came out, he really couldn't. Everything just hit him at once. He found out that his brother was lying to him the entire time and he only found out the truth because he got kidnapped. Said kidnapping opened the door to him finding out that his brother worked for a mafia family and the man Chay was in love with was the one of the sons of the mafia family. The man who also used and lied and ghosted him.
And at once, he was left alone. Again.
He was only eighteen, he was too young to have gone through all of this.
Ultimately, the tears did stop, which Chay wiped away and had forced himself to finish his breakfast. Sitting there and feeling sorry for himself wasn't going to help him, only do worse.
The doorbell rang once he put the dishes on the rack to dry. Chay's heart stuttered in his chest as he peered through the window to see who it was. He juggled through all the possibilities of who it could be. Obviously, it wasn’t going to be his brother since he had a key. Deep down, he hoped it was Kim but the rational part of him knew that it wasn't going to be him. He let out a calm breath when he saw that it was just his friend, Ohm, that was waiting patiently for him.
Chay forced a smile as he made his way to the gate, letting his friend in. To be honest, he didn't want to talk to anyone, too emotionally tired to interact but hey, maybe being around his best friend would help him feel better.
"Hey bro!" Ohm beamed as he pat Chay on the shoulder. Chay laughed as they walked into the house.
"What are you doing here?" Chay asked as they sat on the couch. His friend shrugged against the cushions, looking at him.
"What? I can't visit my best friend?" Chay let out a laugh, shaking his head. "We haven't hung out in a while, so I stopped by. I hope I'm not interrupting anything, like your tutoring lessons."
Chay's smile fell at the mention of the tutoring lessons. Now that Kim stopped speaking to him, he had to count on himself to get through the practical exam.
"...Chay, Porschay!" His eyes snapped up to his friend's. Ohm was looking at him with concern flooding his features.
"Hey man, you okay?"
Chay sighed, "yeah I guess. But to answer your question, no you're not interrupting anything. I won't be getting tutored by P'Kim anymore."
"Oh?" Ohm frowned, "why not?"
At the question, tears flooded his eyes and they fell when Chay closed his eyes. Immediately, Ohm sat up and pushed himself closer to Chay and wrapped his arms around him, having Chay lean his head on his shoulder.
Once his crying subsided, Ohm asked, "what happened man? Do I need to fight someone?" Chay laughed at the thought of his friend fighting Kim, who was most likely trained with all kinds of fighting techniques since he was young.
"No, no fighting," he chuckled, sniffing, "it's just you know I had a crush on P'Kim." His cheeks flushed knowing that his friend knew of the many pictures of the older man in his room. He would be mortified if Kim ever saw it, which was a good thing he never had Kim in his room.
His friend let out a laugh, "yeah I know," causing Chay to playfully push him and snuggle him right after.
"Well, I started to like him, really like him. And I thought that he liked me too but out of nowhere, he stopped talking to me."
Ohm had a lot of questions but he didn't bother with them, not when his best friend was looking and feeling so upset. Over a man, not on his watch.
--
Over the next week, Chay allowed himself to wallow in his sadness as he continued to attend school and practice his song for his upcoming exam. He would burst into tears at the most random times, like when he was at a cafe and saw a lemon tart and cried because Kim liked sour things.
It was quite embarrassing and he never wanted to think of that moment ever again.
Every waking moment of every day all Chay thought about was Kim. If he was okay, if he got hurt in the warehouse, if he was eating or sleeping properly. Most of all, if he missed Chay as much as he missed him. If everything was real to him.
But once that week was over, Chay was met with Ohm standing at his front door with a large garbage bag in hand. "Let's go," he said, rushing to Chay's room without any explanation with Chay running and yelling after him.
"You allowed yourself to grieve but now you need to allow yourself to move on and forget about him," his friend said as they sat on Chay's bed. "I know emotionally it will be hard and take time, a lot of time for you," he smirked as Chay pushed him. "But at least we can rid of everything that reminds you of him, anything that belonged to him, so that way at least physically it'll be easier."
Chay nodded reluctantly. It made sense it really did, but the idea of getting rid of everything that reminded him of Kim made him sick. He remembered the polaroids they took that were shared between each other, the photos on his phone, the songs they wrote, they were all memories they made together and it hurt Chay to forget about him, to forget about Kim.
But you know what they say: "out of sight, out of mind". Chay took a deep breath to mentally and emotionally prepare himself before walking to the wall with the photos of Kim and taking them down, one by one. He did have to admit that at first it was like pulling teeth, he would grasp onto the photo that was stuck to the wall but not remove it before he ultimately separated it from the wall.
After he pulled every photo from the wall, he would stop and look at it for a few seconds before moving onto the next photo. Eventually every single photo of Kim was in a pile on his desk which he then put in the bag that Ohm held out.
Next Chay moved on to his uniform shirt that Kim signed for him at the open house. He heart stuttered as remembered their first meeting and how Chay could have never in his life predicted the events that took place after. He closed his eyes and opened them after a few seconds, he never would have known that he would be here right now getting rid of the shirt his idol, his love, signed for him.
He shakily raised his hands to remove the shirt from the hanger and folded it as small as he could before putting it in the bag along with the photos.
"Want to take a break?" Ohm softly said. Chay was so grateful that he was there, that he had patience of a saint, because he would still be moping and feeling sad for himself if he wasn't.
"No," Chay shook his head. He really wanted to move on from Kim and start fresh. He looked at the box laying on the desk and brought to him as he walked back and sat down next to Ohm. He opened the box which held the polaroids of the photos he and Kim took together. This was going to be painful, he was sure. The photos on the wall, Chay had those even before he met Kim, but these, they were memories they made together.
"Do you want to tell me about them? Will it make it easier for you?"
I doubt it would make it easier. But Chay wanted the chance to talk about Kim, he hadn't had the chance to tell any of their friends.
"This," Chay held out the first photo, "was during our third tutoring session. We were at the studio and I randomly took a photo of P'Kim. I thought he wouldn't notice." He sighed, "he did." Ohm chuckled as he glanced at the photo. Kim didn't look particularly happy at Chay taking a photo of him.
Time went by as they looked over the photos with Chay telling the backstory of every single one of them. As they were going through more, Ohm was able to see the change in Kim, having met him only once when he was standing next to Chay during the day of the open house. He noticed how indifferent the older man looked, how guarded he seemed. It showed in the first photo but as Chay kept showing him more and more, some with just Kim or just Chay and some with them together, he was able to see how much softer he looked. How he was slowly becoming unguarded by the way he was looking at Chay and the way he seemed around him.
"This one was taken when P'Kim came over and we got distracted from actual lessons and just started hanging out." Chay giggled at the memory. "We were just talking about school and I don't know, it felt like I was getting to know him more. Not Wik the singer but Kim the university student. It was nice." He smiled softly as he looked at himself softly leaning his head onto Kim's, both of them smiling into the camera. The picture soon got blurry as he got teary eyed.
"I'm sorry," Chay wetly mumbled, causing his friend to sigh and crush him in a bone-crushing hug.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You're upset, it only makes sense for you to cry."
"I don't mean to be insensitive or invalidate your feelings," Ohm began, his voice being slightly muffled by Chay's mop of curls. "But do you think he ever felt real feelings for you? Because judging by the photos, to me it looks like he does.
Chay shook his head, "no there's no way. If he actually liked me, then he wouldn't have disappeared on me. And he never directly told me his feelings either so it makes sense to me. Anyway," he pulled away from his friend, "it's time to get rid of these."
Ohm bit his lip, holding onto Chay's wrist to stop him. "Are you sure you don't want to wait? You don't have to get rid of everything now."
Chay frowned, "no," he shook his head. "It's better if I get rid of it now so I don't keep looking at it later."
Before his friend could interject, he dumped all the polaroids in the open garbage bag. He had more important things to worry about, like passing his practical exam.
---
Chay bounced his leg as he anxiously waited in the studio for Aim, Kim's friend. The younger man had texted him a few days ago so he could give him the guitar Kim gifted him for him to pass it onto Kim.
"Hey Nong," Chay looked up to see Aim's smiling face. Chay managed to give him a small smile back as he stood up to greet him.
"Good morning P'Aim," he wai'ed as the older man cooed at how polite he was being. "Here is the guitar that P'Kim lent me. Thank you for returning it for me."
Aim took the guitar case with a smile. "No problem Chay, are you sure that you don't want to give it to Kim yourself? He's coming to the studio in an hour, I'm sure he would love to hear about your interview coming up."
Chay tried not to grimace at the suggestion, he would very much not like to be in the same room as Kim for a very very long time. Being in the same proximity as someone he was in love with who didn't love him back was humiliating and he would very much not like to go through that.
"No thank you P', I actually have plans after this, so I must leave now." The only plans Chay had that day was to go home and practice for his upcoming interview for university, but no one to know that but him.
He waved to the older man before turning around and leaving. Once he made it through the doors of the studio, he rushed out of the campus as fast as he could, because there was no way he was going to try to see Kim.
---
"I was thinking of changing my number," Chay announced suddenly causing Ohm to almost drop his phone onto his face. His friend sat up from the bed with a surprised look on his face.
"Um you want a new number? Really?" Chay nodded, ignoring the tone of disbelief coming from his friend.
"Yeah why not? Think about it, it could be a new start. We're starting university soon and it would be nice to start fresh," Chay voiced, trying to defend his choice.
"You do realise that you will have to give everyone your new number, right?"
Chay shrugged, "I literally have two friends and Porsche, I don't really think it'll affect me that much."
Ohm looked at Chay for a few moments before shrugging, "okay, let's go."
The two teenagers made their way to the store of Chay's phone company and took part in the process of changing his phone number. He was pretty sure that Porsche would be notified but he was planning on telling him anyways, even though the last thing he wanted to do was speak to his brother.
Chay texted Porsche a little after Ohm left. The latter recited their other friend's number and Chay knew Porsche's number by heart. So right now, he only had three contacts in his phone, talk about embarrassing.
Hia
Hi, this is Porschay, I changed my number so here is my new one.
Porsche hardly ever texted him or called him since he started working for Kinn and Kim's family so Chay wasn't really expecting a response. He was surprised that not even a minute after he sent the message, Porsche called him.
"Hello hia," Chay greeted as he rested against the couch cushions. It had been about two weeks since he last spoke to his brother and it was weird. It was weird because although they haven't spoken much in the past months, it was under different circumstances.
"Chay? Is everything okay? Did something happen for you to change your phone number?"
Porsche was asking him questions like he normally did, which Chay supposed was good. But Chay wasn't exactly in the mood to have a heart-to-heart. "Yeah everything's fine, just thought I needed a change."
Porsche stayed silent on the other line. "Is it about Kim?" he eventually asked.
Chay's heart clenched at his brother's question. In all honesty, changing his phone number had very little to do with Kim and more to do having a fresh start and having total control over the people he let in his life. He knew that if Kim really wanted his new number, he would find a way to get it. After all, he was the one who called Chay when he didn't even give out his number. Chay knew that he didn't have control over that. But Chay wanted to move on, and if getting a new number was a way to do that, then so be it.
"No hia," it wasn't necessarily false but not true either.
"I just wanted to let you know of my new number, that's all," Chay mumbled, wanting to hang up.
"Wait, you should take Kinn's number just in case," Porsche offered, his voice becoming hopeful.
Chay thought about it for a few seconds before replying, "no thanks," and hanging up.
---
Chay smiled and waved as he saw his friends sitting on the table outside the building of their next class. "Good morning guys," Chay beamed at Macau and Prem and hugged Prae as he sat down next to them.
When Chay first started university, he was nervous out of his mind even though he technically wasn't going to be alone. During the freshman orientation, Chay ran into Macau, who went to same international high school as him and who was also attending the same university, Mahidol University; he just a part of a different major. It was his first time attending a public school and he was nervous for all of the changes.
Everything was so different, he even dormed! He knew that Kinn's family was the one who paid for everything, but it's not like he could afford everything on his own so he didn't complain. The last time Chay spoke to his brother was when Chay received a scholarship and needed to talk to Porsche about other university expenses. Porsche told Chay that he would take care of everything and he supposed he did. Soon Chay moved his belongings to the dorms and he was pretty sure that his dorm was not a regular dorm room. Prem's dorm as well as Prae's, and many other students', looked like a studio apartment with a bed, desk, square table for eating and a small kitchenette with a bathroom. Chay's dorm, on the other hand, looked like a full one-bedroom apartment. It had a living area and a real kitchen with a real dining table. It also had a separate bedroom with a decent sized desk and a connected bathroom. His bedroom also had a television. He was also sure that had to do with Kinn as well. Macau still lived at home with his brother and father.
"Are you ready for lecture today?" Prem asked, putting his arm over Chay's shoulder.
"Yes I am!" he beamed happily at them, causing his friends to laugh. For their first class of the day, Foundation of Technology in Music, their professor had sent out an email stating that four senior students of their major were going to speak to their class about the different technologies in music and how it helped them make and produce their own music.
Chay really liked the idea of producing his own music one day and he was looking forward to seeing how their courses helped frame his seniors in having their own careers.
"Well," Macau looked at his phone, "I have to leave now if I want to get to my class on time. Chay, do you want to meet me at my building?" to which Chay nodded. He, Prem, and Prae waved at him as he left to go to the Faculty of Science where he studied mathematics.
They soon headed to class and Chay wasn't surprised to see how crowded the lecture hall. It seemed that, just like him, people were looking forward to the lecture. However, it was so crowded that there weren't enough seat available for the three of them to sit together. Prae took a seat behind them and Chay and Prem sat next to each other, in the second row.
Soon the professor walked in with four seniors tailing behind him. Chay perked up, with wide eyes, as he looked at them. There were three guys and one girl, they looked quite friendly, Chay supposed but he would get to know for sure when they spoke.
"You look like a freshman," Prem whispered in his ear. Chay turned to see him teasingly smirking at him. "You look so excited, only a freshman would be excited about a lecture." Chay pushed his forehead as he quietly giggled and reminded Prem that they, in fact, were freshmen. He was still smiling when he made eye contact with a pair of very familiar eyes. Chay's smile fell the second he realised that Kim was one of the seniors participating in the lecture.
He cleared his throat as he opened his bag and reached for the notebook and pen so he would be able to write notes. Because Kim may be a jerk but he was an intelligent jerk and Chay was going to learn from him whether he himself liked it or not.
The lecture followed through as each senior, one by one, introduced themselves. Kim introduced himself by his stage name causing some of his classmates to squeal. "P'Wik is so handsome," he heard one student whisper to her friend, causing Chay to clench his fingers around his pen. When he realised what he was doing, he immediately released it.
What are you doing Porschay? You can't let him affect you.
The lecture followed and Chay was pleased to say that he learned a lot, but that was to be expected considering Kim was one of the lecturers.
The professor dismissed the class but allowed questions for the speakers, and Chay took that to heart, quite literally grabbing his belongings and weaving through the students to leave. Kim's eyes followed the first-year student as he walked through the exit, his friends following behind him.