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"Bard, I need some dating advice.”
“Just because I married your father doesn't mean I know how I did it,” Bard muttered, glancing up from his book at Legolas, who had unceremoniously let himself into Bard’s study through the open terrace window. Legolas waved his hand in a dismissive manner.
“Oh no. No no. Never once have I assumed or thought you knew how you did it.”
“...thanks.” Bard slapped the next page of the book over, his stare never leaving his stepson. “I was a bargman when I met your ada . There is no way anyone would think that I knew what I was doing.”
Legolas’s silence was tactful. Bard appreciated it.
“So. Dating advice, huh? Well, I’ll give it a shot.”
Now that it had come down to it, Legolas seemed at a loss for words. He gave Bard a look that would be described as 'beseeching' if it were on anyone else's face. This was out of character enough for Bard to start taking the situation a little more seriously. He responded by giving Legolas a dumbfounded look in return.
“You…ah…you know…the dwarves?” Legolas finally managed to choke out. He snapped his mouth shut, as if forcibly stopping himself before he could mangling his sentence even more.
Bard waited for him to continue, wondering why Legolas was suddenly hesitant to talk about dwarves, then froze.
“Are you saying you need dating advice in regards to dwarves?” Bard wheezed, his voice trapped by his frozen jaw.
“So, you know Glóin…?” Bard, somehow, froze harder. “...and his son, Gimli…?” Bard un-froze a bit, then immediately re-froze.
“Please, make this situation just a little less awful and end by saying ‘and his sister…’,” Bard gasped out.
“...we have been courting. In secret. Gimli and I.”
All the breath left Bard’s body. Along with his will to live.
“For how long?” Bard asked weakly, deciding to cut to the chase and just start being fatalistic now and get it over with. The wince Legolas responded with was not encouraging and really solidified his decision.
“Since right after the War of the Ring ended,” he hurried out, as if eager to get the other bad part over with. Bard vaguely wondered why he bothered. It’s not like there were any good parts to hurry to.
Bard, at this time, declined to answer in anything but a groan.
“You, an Elvish prince, have been secretly courting behind your father and King’s back, a dwarf from the family of your father's most hated rivals. For ten years. And now you need some dating advice. Considering the situation, I’m begrudgingly impressed that you haven’t needed dating advice before now.”
“Do you really think the biggest problem is Gimli's family?"
“Let’s not kid ourselves," Bard replied, hastening to put a stop to any thoughts that this situation could be salvageable. "He could be any dwarf and it wouldn’t matter.”
“Here’s what’s going on,” said Legolas, magnanimously steering them away from the insanity of continuing that conversation. “Gimli and I want to stop hiding our relationship. It’s gone on long enough that we know we’re both serious. We agree that this is not something that will cool once the novelty is worn off. And frankly, we’re tired of hiding.”
That, Bard could believe. Between Legolas and Gimli, Bard was surprised they managed to keep this a secret past the first day.
“I’m not hearing a question,” he said instead. Strange, that fatalistic feeling suddenly became stronger.
“I need your advice on how to tell ada .”
Bard had a feeling it was going to be something like that. The fatalistic feeling had been replaced by a smug feeling.
“Disarm him and take him to the middle of the woods alone.”
Legolas gave him a doubtful look.
“That way he can’t destroy anything but trees and can’t kill anyone but you.”
Legolas winced.
“I was hoping for something like advice on how to tell him so it doesn't come to all that.”
“If you think your ada will choose anything besides violence, then you’re stupider than you look.”
“Ugh.” Legolas bounced up from where he was crouching next to Bard’s chair and started to pace the room. Bard put his book aside.
“Out of all my kids, this had to happen with you,” Bard muttered. “Falling in love with a dwarf wouldn’t have been a big deal for three of them so of course , it didn’t happen to any of them . Am I being punished for something? Like something I did in a past life? Surely I’ve made up for my past heinous crimes by slaying a dragon. Why the continued punishment? I’m feeling a little over-charged here….”
Legolas threw him a glare. “If you’re not going to take this seriously, I can just go.”
“...did I kill kittens for fun or something? Hm? Oh, whatever. I am taking this seriously, but go if you wish.”
“What would you do if you were me? What do you do when you need to give ada news that you know will upset him?”
Bard’s face took on an odd look, somewhere between amused and horrified. “I’m afraid my tactics don’t translate to something you can do.” It was rather impressive how quickly Legolas’ face went green.
“I get the point. Please stop making it.”
He started to pace again. Bard sighed. He wasn’t shocked that Legolas and Gimli were courting. He had eyes, after all. He was, however, surprised that Legolas wanted to tell Thranduil instead of letting him sail off to the Grey Havens in ignorant bliss, none the wiser. While Thranduil seemed to have resigned himself to the friendship between his son and the dwarf, it didn’t mean he approved. Bard briefly wondered if some ancient evil could be persuaded to cause a distracting ruckus.
“Realistically,” said Bard, as Legolas continued to wear a path in the stone floor, “your ada probably will not take it well. I suggest telling him in a way that reduces the chances for casualties and allows for a quick escape.” While Thranduil had unfrozen slightly towards the dwarves in The Lonely Mountain over the years, those years were nothing compared to the amount of ones spent hating them. Or any other dwarf, to be fair. “I do suggest that after you tell him, you get out of the line of fire and make yourself scarce.”
Legolas nodded, pausing his pacing to look at Bard.
“I’ve already arranged to stay in Dale with Tilda until this blows over.”
Hiding behind Thranduil’s favorite child for protection. Bard could respect that tactical decision.
“Listen.” Bard crossed the room to stand in front of Legolas, putting his hands on his stepson’s shoulders and squeezing lightly. “Don’t tell him until tomorrow. I’ll do my best to keep him happy until you talk to him.”
Legolas was not easy to read, just by dint of being an elf. As time and circumstances matured him, he had lost the child-like scorn of hiding his emotions, but it was even harder to read him at this moment. But Bard could see relief in his eyes, now that Legolas knew he had an ally. Bard smiled and smoothed a strand of Legolas’ hair back. Unsurprisingly, Legolas had not relied on Bard the way Bard’s human children did. It had sometimes made Bard sad that Legolas’ problems were beyond him and it rankled his paternal instincts to not be able to help.
“The one time you come to me for help...couldn’t you have asked me to help with one of your other problems?” Bard asked wistfully. “Like that whole One Ring conundrum?”
Legolas managed to make his eye-roll look regal. It was probably hereditary.
“You’d rather fight in a war?”
“Bold of you to assume this won’t end with me fighting in a war,” muttered Bard. He started to gently steer Legolas out of his office. Using the door this time, like the Valar intended. “Go check your ada’s schedule for tomorrow. See if you can lure him out to the woods on some pretext between meetings and throne lounging. Preferably before his correspondence. I noticed a letter from Elrond arrived a few hours ago. If you talk to him after he reads it tomorrow, I fear a diplomatic incident.”
Legolas nodded gravely.
“Thank you. It means much to have your friendship and compassion.”
“And you’ll always have it,” Bard smiled.
Legolas was halfway down the corridor when he heard Bard mutter, “I should inform Galadriel just in case she wants to get out ahead of this thing and head to the Grey Havens now.”