Chapter Text
It had never been difficult to speak to Eren before. They were best friends, after all. Eren had found himself privy to all of Mikasa’s deepest, darkest secrets since they were kindergarteners. But this time the words just didn’t come to Mikasa quite as easily as they had in the past. So they sat in a familiar yet awkward silence on a park bench, the sun slowly sinking beneath the horizon, light fluffy flakes of snow falling around them as they sat unmoving. Mikasa wasn’t personally opposed to sitting here all evening if it meant that they didn’t need to have this conversation; she quietly prayed that Eren would eventually grow tired of waiting for her to speak up and find an excuse to leave. But it never happened, Eren had always exerted his rare bouts of patience when it came to his best friend.
Despite the freezing temperatures, the burning fire of anxiety within her mind and body kept her uncomfortably warm. She tried desperately to collect herself and speak those two words that she had rehearsed over and over in front of her bathroom mirror between the inconvenient bouts of dizziness that dared to knock her to her knees and made her feel queasy. Yet all her attempts failed, even when Eren took her mittened hands in his, “come on Mikasa, you said it was important. The sooner you tell me the sooner we can go back home and get hot chocolate.” While Mikasa would have found his attempts to comfort her and coax the words out of her endearing in any other situation she wasn’t all too sure that this was the kind of conversation that would end quickly and end with them sitting happily in his bedroom with a cup of hot chocolate cradled in their icy cold hands.
“I’m…” Mikasa spoke barely above a whisper, the second word didn’t dare to leave her lips. It clung to the tip of her tongue, and simply refused to let go. It was almost as if the word understood that once it was spoken into existence between the two friends that it could not be taken back.
Eren took a deep, exasperated sigh and stood from his spot next to Mikasa on the bench, releasing her hands for just a moment before he stood before her. “Come on Miks, it is getting really cold,” every word that left his lips was doused with a disturbing amount of teenaged cockiness- he spoke like he knew it was going to be okay. He spoke as if he knew that whatever she was trying to say wouldn’t change a thing between them. She sure wished she had the same level of self-assuredness as he had. “I really doubt it is anywhere near as big of a deal as you are making it out to be.”
God how she wished that was true. As he took her hands and stood before her it suddenly dawned on her how much he had grown, how much he had matured over the past few years. He was looking much less like the boy that she knew so well and more like the young man that their female peers had been fawning over so much recently.
“I’m pregnant.”
The two dreaded words fell from her lips without much warning, whether it was the adrenaline that was pumping through her veins thanks to the raging river of anxiety that ran through her mind. But the words were out there and now hung unbelievably heavy in the air between them.
“Funny joke, Mikasa. Come on, what did you really want to tell me?” Eren was grinning at her declaration as if it was no more than a prank she was playing on him. He squeezed her hands, presumably in an attempt to coax out whatever he thought was the real thing they needed to talk about out of her.
“It isn’t a joke. I’m serious, Eren.” Mikasa didn’t need to be looking up at him to know that his face dropped from his cocky, boyish grin to an expression of pure shock, confusion and presumably fear.
“What? Since when?” his tone became accusatory, his touch no longer comforting- rather it was restricting, his grip on her hands tightened and he moved even closer. He crouched just slightly to stare at her through the curtain of her bangs. “Since when?” Eren repeated as if he were interrogating her for her crimes.
“I only found out on Monday, my period was two weeks late so I took a test at school.” Mikasa’s voice shook as she quietly and calmly explained the details of the news to her friend. Silence once again grew between them, it grew tense and it grew with a vigour that she couldn’t quite identify. Eren no longer crouched before her, he let her hang her head in shame and embarrassment as he pulled away from her.
“And you are sure it is mine?” Eren’s words cut through both the tension and Mikasa’s already delicate heart like a freshly sharpened knife. The emphasis he put on it was painful, it was spoken with an intense distaste that signalled to Mikasa how the rest of this conversation would really go.
“Of course I am. There is nobody else. You were my first.” The confession should not
have been as embarrassing as it was- she had most definitely told him far more embarrassing things in their decade long friendship. The silence returned, even with her gaze planted firmly on the ground she could see his anxiety and frustration as he began to pace leaving behind a well-trodden path in the fresh snow as he did so.
“You are getting rid of it , right? You have to get rid of it, Mikasa.” His anger turned into confusion that was followed by further interrogation, drilling her on what choice she had made in regards to her body. She refused to answer, she knew he wouldn’t like the answer- yet he forced the wordless answer out of her with one more firm “please tell me you are getting rid of it.” Mikasa kept quiet as he processed the answer, grabbing her hands yet again to plead with her.
“Come on Mikasa, you have to. We are only 17. This is going to ruin my life. You have to.” he rushed and panicked as he pleaded with her, dropping to her knees to beg for her to change her mind.
“I can’t,” she spoke honestly as her eyes filled with tears. “I had made up my mind the minute I saw the test results. I can’t do that, Eren.” It was partially the truth, she knew her decision the moment she took the test and she desperately wanted to continue with the pregnancy. Though that choice could have easily been swayed depending on the reaction of both her uncle Levi and uncle Erwin, she did live under their roof and if they could support another child was a decision that required serious conversation between the two. Mikasa’s part time job was hardly enough to support herself let alone was it enough to support a child.
Her uncle Levi wasn’t a very personable nor reasonable man; their interactions over the past fourteen years were not the most paternal. In all honesty, the birds and the bees talk may have been the longest and most personal conversation the two had ever had prior to her breaking the news of her current state.
“You don’t have to be involved, Eren. I am having the baby no matter what you say,” Mikasa wished she could have taken those words and pushed them back down her throat.
“Fine,” Eren simply and stubbornly responded before he turned on his heel to leave her sitting on that damn park bench.
The world didn’t seem as bright as she watched him leave without even taking a second look back at her. Maybe it was because the sun had now retreated from the sky, no longer was it visible over the horizon. Maybe it was because there were no stars in the cloud-covered sky or maybe it was because the reality of her situation once again heavily dropped into the depths of her stomach. Maybe it was because her eyes were filled with tears and it was getting hard to see. Whatever the real reason was it didn’t really matter as she sat alone in the snow-covered park, listening to the heavy consistent crunch of Eren walking away
“Merry Christmas, Mikasa. Good Luck.” He called out from across the park without sparing her a single glance.
Mikasa should have got up and chased after him when she heard him speak again. Or maybe she should have done it when she heard his shit box of a car start, she shouldn’t have let him leave. But she did. She did let him leave. Frozen in place she mourned what could have been, mourning the overly ambitious daydreams where Eren supported her and stayed by her side. Tears trailed down her face, not that they got far with how cold it was- teardrops froze to her rosy cheeks and her teeth clattered. Whether her teeth clattered due to the cold or because of the sadness and grief that shook her body was uncertain.
Mikasa found an odd comfort in the lonely atmosphere of the park, she gave in to the peaceful yet heavy silence that engulfed her. On a night as cold as it was there was nobody who would hear her as she sat by herself, sobbing, wailing, and indulging in the isolating heartbreak that swallowed her whole.
It was in the sleepless, isolating early mornings that Mikasa found herself thinking back on that night with Eren. She wished she could resonate more with the crowds of people who were suddenly reminded of and haunted by an embarrassing thing they had done in middle school- instead, she was stuck with the haunting and forever gut-wrenching memory of the person she had thought to be her best friend turn their back on her and leave her with no more than the simple phrase “Merry Christmas Mikasa,” and the snappy, passive-aggressive “good luck.” The second most haunting memory was of the day she told Levi of her situation and he stood before her with his arms folded defensively across his chest, he displayed obvious disappointment- shaking his head slightly in disapproval before asking with his voice lowered “you better tell papa, Mikasa.”
Erwin was equally disappointed but did a much better job of hiding it in the moment where she announced her news with tears brimming her bloodshot eyes. “Papa, I don’t know what I'm doing,” she admitted through a shaky voice, her hands desperately trying to wipe away the tears that ran down her cheeks. Despite his disappointment, Erwin welcomed her into a comforting embrace. She knew it must have felt like a failure of parenting for both of them- sure she wasn’t biologically Levi or Erwin’s daughter but they had been the ones who raised her without a second thought from the moment a social worker and a police officer showed up on their doorstep the night of her parents’ accident when she was just three.
Even with the unconditional support of both of her paternal figures, it didn’t stop Levi from telling her ‘I told you so’ the night that he had to come to collect a grief-stricken Mikasa in a freezing cold park. Mikasa understood now that he had long observed Eren’s immaturity and he had predicted his response the moment Mikasa had sat him and Erwin down to discuss her plan to break the news to Eren. Five years later she still hated admitting that her uncle was right. Her own immaturity blindsided her and led her to believe that Eren would simply come back- a foolish teenage belief that five years down the road was still proving to be no more than fantasy. She no longer found herself fantasizing about someone sweeping her off her feet and promising to unconditionally love and care for both her and her daughter; Eren had long been the star of this fantasy before it was overtaken by a man devoid of all personality and human characteristics.
The memory of that night in the park still stung all these years later but she had grown more and more numb to it over time; she was no longer reduced to tears and she no longer found herself paralyzed with anxiety and panic whenever the memory was triggered. Other memories were still tender- the level of hurt varied day to day, often these were memories where if things had gone differently they may have been some of Mikasa’s most treasured.
But now she had memories and people that she treasured far more than those of him . Photos that decorated her cozy two-bedroom apartment depicted some of her happiest. The two photos that were so delicately mounted in matching white wooden frames on her bedside table were amongst her favourites- the first one was of herself and Juniper, her daughter, on the day she was born. It was August 21st and they were in the middle of a horrific, oddly late in the season heat wave. She knew there were photos out there somewhere of Levi wearing a jacket in her hospital room because she had insisted that it be freezing cold .
In the photo Mikasa was grinning down at the little bundle in her arms, while she was obviously exhausted, the massive smile on her face said otherwise. Truth be told Mikasa could barely remember any of the hell she had gone through the moment the nurse plopped the crying baby into her arms.
The second photo was of Mikasa and a 10 month old Juniper at her high school graduation. In the photo, Mikasa wore a smile that practically stretched from ear to ear while Juniper planted a kiss on her mother’s cheek. She could distinctly remember Erwin behind the camera encouraging Juniper, “come on Junebug, Give your mama a kiss!” the lovable squish of a baby had obliged with much enthusiasm.
Mikasa was meant to graduate the year before alongside Armin and Eren but her pregnancy had thrown a serious wrench in that plan. She had made the decision to drop out of the winter semester of that year and return for the winter semester the following year. Mikasa was eternally grateful that her uncles supported her plan to return to high school for a final semester to get her diploma, her uncles agreed to babysit- well Erwin had gladly agreed to babysit and Levi reluctantly agreed.
Graduation. Mikasa still attended in support of Armin and her other friends but she took her leave long before Eren’s name was ever called. His last name starting with Y and Armin’s starting with A did make him much easier to avoid. She couldn’t stomach watching him waltz across that damn stage with his cocky grin as he prepared to move on with his life- a life that did not include her or her daughter. She still screamed the loudest for Armin and despite being heavily pregnant she had pulled him into a bone-breaking hug after the ceremony. Things had changed between the three of them since Mikasa had broken the news to not only Eren but to Armin. Armin was infuriated by Eren’s response and against Mikasa’s wishes attempted to fight Eren at school after winter break, a fight that ended only because Mikasa had placed herself between the two boys.
While Eren had been acting like an irrational asshole since that night, she also knew that he was sane enough to not dare lay a hand- especially not in her condition. How the two boys ended up being friends again was beyond her- Armin didn’t dare tell her and she didn’t dare ask.
Not everything got worse after that night with Eren. In fact, she had grown exponentially since that night both in the literal and figurative sense- shortly after Juniper’s first birthday she had started attending university and working towards a degree in kinesiology and health sciences. Her career beyond school was so close she could taste it and to her, it tasted a whole lot like freedom and financial independence.
While she had lost the companionship and support of Eren she had gained the companionship and support of many more as a result. She had found a new, loving community that rallied behind herself and her daughter. Most importantly she had met Historia- a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl that embodied the phrase “small but mighty.” The two had become quick friends, bonding over having unknowingly gone to high school together but also having had the shared experience of being teen moms and had quickly become joined at the hip. Mikasa was eternally grateful that Historia was in her life as she partially filled a void in Mikasa’s life that was left by Eren. Historia was the kind of bold, encouraging and overly confident support that Mikasa had unknowingly needed. On the rare occasions where the little blonde couldn’t singlehandedly talk Mikasa into whatever she had planned her much taller, much more tanned and freckle-covered girlfriend would playfully tease Mikasa into going along with whatever insanity Historia was planning.
Historia’s most recent scheme involved helping Mikasa make a profile on one of those dating apps that childless people their age were so reliant on to find their soulmate. Historia swore by this specific one called Bumble since it was how she and Ymir had met just after she finished high school.
“Just go on one date, Mikasa!” the petite honey blonde woman urged her with the playful nudge of her elbow into Mikasa’s side.
“Fine! I will go on one date. Only to humour you,” Mikasa had fought tooth and nail with Historia throughout the entire profile creation process, cringing and answering “I don’t know!” whenever she was asked a question.
“Now, are you interested in men or women?” Historia had finally asked with a raised eyebrow- she already knew the answer to this question but still she asked it either to make Mikasa’s cheeks flush or out of continued curiosity.
“Both. Come on, you know this already,” Mikasa whined while pulling one of the couch cushions to hide her reddened cheeks.
“What about kids? Do you or do you not want more?” Historia continued to probe Mikasa for answers to complete the dating app’s never-ending list of questions. Before Mikasa could even process the question properly Historia’s daughter Frieda, who was honestly just a carbon copy of her mother, ran over and began pulling at her mother’s pant leg. “Mommy, can we go home? I’m hungry,” the little girl whined. Deep down Mikasa was thankful for little Frieda’s impeccable timing that kept her from answering Historia’s questions.
She had sworn to Historia that there was no way in hell that she would actually use the silly app but that ended up being a massive lie. Eventually, she caved and began to aimlessly scroll through the assorted selection of men and women that had been algorithmically selected for her. After wading through an uncomfortable number of profiles that consisted almost exclusively of photos of men holding up fish she finally matched with a few men and women. None of them were bad looking, all of them had an interest in eventually having kids and none of them looked like they may secretly be serial killers who used this Bumble app as a way of scanning through a catalogue of potential victims.
But that was how she ended up here, waiting patiently in a little cubby room that looked like a tornado had gone through it for her daughter to finish up her preschool activities whilst staring blankly at an empty chat log between herself and a man she would never admit aloud that she actually found to be quite handsome. He had lovely photos on his profile and he seemed incredibly charming.
The burden of starting the conversation was on her, according to Historia part of the appeal of this specific app was women were the ones who were expected to make the first move to avoid the usual predatory behaviour of men on these apps. It seemed like a great idea in theory but it certainly wasn’t the best idea in practice- at least it wasn’t for Mikasa. She had written out numerous messages and deleted them all before ever pressing that dreaded send button. This time she had crafted what she had decided had to be the message she would send to this dating app guy.
Sending a silly little message shouldn’t carry this much weight, Mikasa had done scarier things after all. She was more concerned that Juniper would catch on to the immeasurable anxiety that her mother harboured over something as ridiculous as a text message. Juniper was quite a sensitive little girl and could easily call Mikasa out for trying to mask certain emotions from her. It was both a blessing and a curse- it meant that Juniper would get extra cuddly and sweet when she knew that she was upset but it also meant that Mikasa had started uncontrollably sobbing in front of her daughter on multiple occasions. All it took was a simple “mommy? Are you okay?” when she was barely holding it together and she was suddenly a puddle of the strong mother she tried to be for her daughter.
With an exasperated sigh and the pitter-pattering of little feet racing towards her she hit the send button on her message of choice.
Mikasa: Hi! I just wanted to say that the little cat on your profile is so cute :)
“Mommy!” Juniper squealed as she came racing through the door to the cubby room and practically jumped into Mikasa’s arms, Mikasa quickly stuffed her phone into her pocket before she was pounced on and knocked off balance- she scooped Juniper up and covered her little forehead in kisses.
“Hi, Junie! Did you have fun today?” Mikasa began her usual spiel as she set Juniper back on her feet and watched as she slowly began to get dressed up in her little jacket and boots. While she was tempted to help Juniper, Mikasa had been shot with some seriously dirty looks for a four year old whenever she even offered to get in the way of Juniper’s burgeoning independence.
“She had a good day, but do you mind if I speak to you just while she is getting dressed?” The preschool attendant, Petra, was a lovely lady, short with auburn hair and a smile that Mikasa assumed must have hurt to keep up all day.
“Yeah of course. Mommy is just gonna talk to teacher Petra before we go, can you be patient and wait here for me?” Mikasa took Juniper’s little hands despite the grumpy look that she knew would be thrown in her direction. Juniper simply nodded and gave Mikasa a kiss on the cheek before wiggling out of her mother’s touch to continue her daily challenge of getting dressed to go outside. The preschool attendant still stood on the threshold of the door when Mikasa approached and her smile suddenly dropped, as if a switch had been flipped in the woman’s brain.
“We just wanted to let you know that today one of the student’s dads passed away and we made the student and their family a card to send our condolences. We are letting all the parents know about this since we know little ones will have so many questions- we also sent out an email to all the parents so they can talk about it to their kids if they have questions.” So far it seemed like only the usual kind of conversation that the preschool attendants would tell parents about- death was a scary but very real thing that surrounded them. Mikasa knew it very well and vaguely remembered being a year younger than Juniper and having a very nice stranger that she now knew had been a social worker explaining to her that her mommy and daddy weren’t going to be coming back home, not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week- they were never coming back. As Mikasa began to nod and opened up her mouth to respond with the usual, polite response to hearing such sad news she was interrupted by the preschool attendant.
“But we have another additional concern for Juniper.” Of course, they did. It was the same concern at her last daycare as well- it was always about him. It was always about that bastard that Historia had once called a “sperm donor,” after five years he still snuck up on her and sent a spear sailing right through her heart-piercing her and leaving her defenceless, anxious and broken once again.
“She was asking where her daddy is today, she kept asking if everyone has daddies and if her not having one meant that hers was dead as well. She wasn’t accepting ‘all families are different’ as an answer either. We figured you deserved to know that she was asking these kinds of questions.” Of course, Juniper was asking these kinds of questions. Mikasa had avoided them for so damn long with the same bullshit spiel- the ‘all families are different and ours is extra special because you have mommy but you also have Opa Erwin and Poppa Levi!’ kind of spiel that Juniper had long accepted as a valid answer to her questions about her “daddy.”
“Thank you for letting me know, Petra,” Mikasa offered a faux smile to deter any further questions. The timing of the conversation’s end seemed a little too perfect, Juniper began to tug at the leg of Mikasa’s pants to get her mother’s attention but not interrupt the grown-ups’ conversation. Mikasa had nothing else to say to Petra, at least nothing else that wouldn’t end in Mikasa being both humiliated in front of a bunch of preschoolers or her being a sobbing mess that made a scene in front of a bunch of preschoolers. Juniper held her hand and turned only to say a quick “Bye-Bye Teacher Petra!” before crossing from the warmth of the cubby room and into the crisp, early spring air.
Juniper remained quiet on the drive home, with no questions and no babbling about her day- for once Mikasa was happy that this was the case as it allowed her to sink into the ever familiar sting that consumed her whenever she was reminded of Eren in such large ways. Perhaps claiming that she had evolved to be numb to the memories and seemingly constant reminders of him was a bit of a stretch. Being numb to the constant reminders of him would mean that she was numb to Juniper- that she was numb to her daughter’s vibrant green eyes that looked just like his , it implied that she was numb to her daughter’s feisty nature that reminded her so often of him . Perhaps she wasn’t numb to the memories and reminders of him but rather she had come to cohabitate with them.
Once upon a time, Mikasa had truly been numb to each and every thought, memory and reminder of Eren- she spent her days on auto-pilot whilst in a constant state of dissociation, when she wasn’t dissociating she was curled up in her bed sobbing and praying that Juniper would sleep for just a little longer so she didn’t have to face her for just a little while longer. With the help of a therapist and some medication, Mikasa had made great strides to undo the thinking that had tainted what should have been the most precious moments of the first few months of Juniper’s life. But in good time she had come to love Juniper’s bright green eyes because they were Juniper’s and not because they were Eren’s.