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i’ll put a spell on you
you’ll fall asleep
and when i wake you i’ll be the first thing you see
and you’ll realise that you love me
Thor Odinsson is golden, bathed in light. His smiles are wide and bestowed upon all who pass him by.
Loki Odinsson is silver, draped in shadow. His smiles are few, reserved only for the older brother who chases away his nightmares.
Thor is bold and brash, confident that the attention he commands is naught but his due. Loki is small and slight, oft unnoticed next to an older brother whose presence outshines all around him.
Thor loves his brother as he loves everybody around him, generously and without guile.
Thor is the only thing that Loki is certain he loves.
~
you’re slipping slowly from my reach
you grow me like an evergreen
you’ve never seen the lonely me at all
Loki lives in shadow. His aptitudes lie with knowledge and magic, rather than might and weapons. His brother lives in the sun, Asgard's golden prince, whose hammer Mjölnir can defeat a hundred men or beasts in glorious battle.
In ages past, Thor would spend his days rapt and attentive as Loki spun worlds and adventures with his words. Now he chooses the raucous company of his Warriors Three as they embark upon adventures of their own.
Loki spends his days alone. Thor cannot understand when Loki would prefer to read than wrestle.
Loki watches, invisible, as his brother slips his grasp.
~
so you came like a missile
falling on my head with the black sky
think you’re giving but you’re taking my life away
There are whispers in Asgard of Loki's power.
His mastery of magic is unparalleled, his skills in shapeshifting like no other; his tongue is coated with silver.
Loki can freeze an opponent's heart with a look; can create a thousand doppelgangers to confuse in battle; can sow dissent among his enemies with a whispered suggestion.
Thor sees nothing of this; sees only a younger brother, slight and defenseless. He would step in to protect his brother without a second's hesitation. He is heedless to Loki's protests that this is unnecessary; an insult.
There are whispers in Asgard of Loki's weakness.
~
i love you
i hate you
Thor's golden presence has long since eclipsed that of his brother. On occasion, Loki knows, people almost forget that Asgard has two princes.
When he looks at his brother, Loki is crushed under the weight of expectations he can never hope to meet.
Sometimes Loki can forgive Thor for this. He looks at his brother and sees only the love of his youth; wants nothing more than to bask in Thor's sunlight.
Sometimes, Loki can be unforgiving.
When he looks at his brother he wants only to rip out Thor's heart, to prove to the world that he can.
~
i grew up blind, just like everyone’s child
in the warmth and the milk and deceit
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne," the All-father said when they were but children. "But both of you were born to be kings."
Loki remembers those words; has carried them with him all these years, and feels them like the bitter twist of a knife when Thor is named as Odin's heir. 'My firstborn', Odin says, as though that somehow qualifies Thor to rule.
Loki grits his teeth and smiles and congratulates his brother, who is foolish & reckless, with no grasp for the nuances of diplomacy or the necessity of compromise.
Loki was born to be a king.
~
do you want to know that it doesn’t hurt me?
do you want to hear about the deal i’m making?
Loki sabotages his brother's ascension to the throne, and he does it with ease; without regret.
He has studied Asgard's defences. He knows the chink in the armour that will allow the Jǫtnar access; knows well enough that access is all they will gain.
Loki knows his brother as only one who has loved him can. He can predict Thor's actions with a ruthless accuracy.
If Thor were to discover this betrayal, his anger would be mighty. He would not be forgiving.
Loki recalls the love he once held for his brother and considers it a small price to pay.
~
i will battle for the sun
and i won’t stop until i’m done
you are getting in the way
and i have nothing left to say
Loki watches Thor’s face fall, and feels nothing.
I am the monster parents tell their children about at night.
The words crawl unbidden up his throat and he swallows them down. Thor holds no love for the Jǫtnar; no love then for Loki.
A lifetime spent fighting to be his brother's equal, to prove his worth, and it turns out he has none.
But Odin is sleeping, and Loki is king. He has never had another chance like this to show his strength.
"This is goodbye, brother," he says, but the word feels alien on his tongue.
Loki has no brother.
~
could you please
help me understand why
you’re giving in to all these reckless dark desires
Thor stares at the imposter wearing his brother’s face, and cannot understand. Something inside his brother has broken, shattered, but through the insensible rage Thor senses the fear and desperation, and it pains him to know that his brother is suffering.
Loki is all he’s ever known, and though the creature in front of him spilling poisonous bile is not the brother he has loved through the ages he cannot believe that Loki is gone forever.
He cannot bring himself to do him harm.
He fights to defend himself only, though it seems that Loki wields Gungnir with far darker intent.
~
you can’t hide
i remove from you every tiny strength from every single thing you do
and i’ll kick you down
i’ll break you with a tender touch
Loki struggles to breathe beneath Mjölnir’s immovable weight and tastes bitter defeat. He had fought to best his brother, to prove his strength against him, and to realise that Thor had seen him only as an inconvenience to be humoured chokes him. The insult of Thor’s casual dismissal serves as a stark reminder of his inadequacy and he burns with impotent rage.
He sees Thor wavering on the bridge and feels some satisfaction; in this, at least, he has won.
“Look at you,” he sneers. “The mighty Thor, with all your strength.”
And then Thor brings Mjölnir smashing down, and Loki’s victory with it.
~
now i’m trying to wake you up
to pull you from the liquid sky
'cause if i don’t we’ll both end up
with just your songs to say goodbye
“No, Loki,” Odin says, his voice heavy with grief. Thor watches as the naked hope fades from his brother’s face and cold fear trickles through him. He is angry, not yet ready to forgive, but he loves his brother still, despite everything. He clings more tightly to Gungnir lest his fragile hold slip and Loki is lost to him forever.
Loki’s eyes come to rest briefly on his own, and Thor sees despair etched plainly across Loki’s features, a single tear track shining silver against his skin. His brother’s grip loosens.
“Loki, no!” he cries, desperate; but he is too late, and his brother falls.
~
this is how an angel dies
blame it on my own sick pride
“No, Loki,” Odin says, his voice heavy with disappointment. The swirling panic of Loki’s mind coalesces into a pinpoint certainty: all his plans were for naught. Destroying Jötunheimr cannot make him other than what he is; cannot turn the ice in his veins to blood and make him truly Aesir, cannot prove to Odin that he truly belongs.
Loki can feel the abyss at his back. He sees forgiveness written in Thor’s desperate grip, but how can he return home when the only home he has ever known is a lie greater than any ever spun from his own tongue?
He lets go.