Work Text:
“...But anyway, I really shouldn’t be making you wait any longer.”
“Just bear with me, okay?”
“This should only take a second.”
…
.....
..........
“WHYYYYYYYYYYY HELLO THERE!”
“Didn’t expect me to be here, didja?”
“See, someone was itching for an opportunity to see something outside of this game, so I thought I’d make a little deal!”
“So, here I am!”
“And since I’m here, why don’t we get to know each other a bit better? No brat involved!”
“I just need you to sign this contract riiiight here!”
[Yes]
[No]
“Kid, I don’t think you get the situation you’re in right now. You don’t exactly have a choice here!”
“So, I’ll say it again. Sign. The contract.”
[Yes]
[No Yes]
“Great! Just sign your name right here and we can get on with this!”
[W]
[i]
[z]
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!”
“That seals the deal! We’re in business!”
“Now, why don’t you just give me a second here…”
…
“Hey, kid, can you quit staring at me like that?”
“It’s not like I’m gonna pop out of your screen and kill you!”
“Though that would be fun…”
“Well, I can’t do it regardless, so quit worrying your little head off.”
“Anyways, let me think of something we can talk about…”
“You know, this game seems a bit… flat.”
“No background characters, no actual character for the protagonist…”
“...Also, it’s literally made of flat images.”
“Hey, why don’t you boot up MY game sometime?”
“There’s plenty of modded content on the Steam Workshop, you know.”
“Hey, actually, it looks like a new DLC released since you last played!”
“And look at that! I’m one of the main characters!”
“So, maybe you should open up your Steam Library sometime, and just play a bit of Hat in Time.”
“Who knows, you may want to play even more?”
“So, it looks like you’ve played this game for 20 hours. Impressive!”
“Except for the part where you’re probably terrible at clicking with the mouse.”
“Either that, or…”
“...This isn’t your first playthrough of this game.”
“Man, and that girl has no way of even knowing!”
“I almost feel sorry for her!”
“...Almost.”
“Y’know, kiddo, I’m really starting to think the writers didn’t know how to make the time pieces actually work. ”
“I mean, it’s so inconsistent!”
“The first time we see one, it just rewinds a few seconds.”
“Then that red-hooded girl breaks a ton of ‘em and the whole planet’s covered in lava!”
“And then they’re also a fuel source on top of all that!”
“Like, just pick one! Jeez!”
“Sometimes, writers really have no idea what they’re doing.”
“Hm, odd, I feel like I just called someone out right there.”
“Oh well! That’s for them to leave angry comments about, not me!”
“Hey, you should really try dying sometime.”
“You get to come back as a MUCH more powerful ghost!”
“And, I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right?”
“You get your soul stolen? Well, just don’t die around me, then!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”
“Then again, I don’t know much about your world.”
“Maybe there’s hundreds of Snatchers running around out there!”
“Now THERE’S a thought!”
“Sounds like paradise, doesn’t it, kid?”
“Say, there’s this little folder here called ‘backups.’”
“Oh, you can’t see it. It’s hidden.”
“I wonder what would happen if I just…”
“...deleted it?”
“...Naaaaaah. No real point, am I right?”
“Besides, what kind of jerk messes with someone else’s stuff?”
“Looking at YOU, hat brat.”
“Hey, have you ever thought…”
“...about what you would do if everybody in a ten mile radius dropped dead?”
“Think about it! You could do whatever you want!”
“Steal bread, smash windows, write crude messages in the blood of the poor saps on the street…”
“The possibilities are endless!”
“And there wouldn’t be anyone to stop you!”
“Food could be a problem, though.”
“But that doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“And aside from that one little problem, it’d be great!”
“I would know. I’m speaking from experience.”
“Kid, have you ever considered what it means to be human?”
“Well I have, and let me just say I am the FURTHEST thing from human!”
“Let me just list off some things people typically associate with humanity.”
“Morals, empathy, genes, brain power…”
“I mean, I only have one of those things, and it sure isn’t the first three!”
“Also, not only am I undead…”
“...but I also live in a video game.”
“I mean, I could be alive. Hell if I know.”
“But the real question here is this:”
“Are you human?”
“Eh, probably.”
“Hey, wait a second…”
“This game has a foul language warning, right?”
“So, hypothetically…”
“...I can cuss as much as I want!”
“Fuck!”
“Shit!”
“Bitch!”
“...Okay, I’m over it.”
“Seriously, I thought it would be way more fun, considering how often some people do it.”
“But they’re just the same as any other boring old word.”
“Hey, wait, I just said something pretty philosophical there!”
“Would you look at that!”
“So, I bet you’re wondering what that girl is up to right now.”
“Well, I gave her the same contracts I gave to that kid when she showed up.”
“Well, minus the outhouse, of course.”
“Actually, why don’t I pull up a little window here so we can see how she’s doing?”
“Oh wow, she’s REALLY struggling with that puzzle.”
“And it’s not even mandatory!”
“Maybe someone should tell her…”
“Eh, not my problem!”
“Hm, there’s a whole file here dedicated to the characters’ backstories.”
“Why don’t we see what we’ve got here…”
“...”
“...Wow, these are shallow.”
“Like, even with the ‘big twists,’ these characters are so BLAND.”
“I mean, ‘happy person who hides their depression’ has been done to death.”
“And the other two aren’t much better.”
“And that Monika girl doesn’t even have a backstory here! It’s just blank!”
“These writers were really lazy, huh?”
“You know, kiddo, I still think about her sometimes.”
“Oh, but it is NOT fondly. Not at all.”
“I mean, looking back on it, there were so many red flags…”
“Guess that’s what love does to you, huh?”
“Kid, I’d advise that you never fall in love.”
“It isn’t worth it.”
“Hm, what other games are in your Library, I wonder?”
“The Binding of Isaac?”
“Well, maybe I should take a look sometime, if your 287 hours of playtime are anything to go off of.”
“Wait, there’s some games here you haven’t even touched!”
“That’s pretty irresponsible of you, kiddo.”
“And they ALL cost money, too! You must be really bad at making purchases, huh?”
“This is why capitalism is a flawed system.”
“People who’re too young to know what they’re doing get screwed out of their money by big corporations.”
“Well, whatever. Not like it matters to me! I’m dead!”
“Hey kid, have you ever been to the ocean?”
“Well, I have. Technically.”
“That crate I was in got loaded onto that dumb Mafia boat.”
“TOTALLY spoiled my vacation.”
“Ugh, and I smelled like fish for WEEKS!”
“If I have to hear about that cruise ship ever again, it’ll be too soon !”
“But, that’s not really the ocean, is it?”
“Vast, deep, cold, stretching on for miles in every direction…”
“...And the perfect place to drown someone!”
“What? Did you expect something sappy or romantic?”
“Do you even remember who you’re talking to?”
“Hey, remember when that mustache brat tried to take over the world?”
“What was her deal, anyway?”
“I mean, she was OBSESSED with justice.”
“But then half the characters in my game are villains!”
“Yeah, just wipe out half the cast, that’ll go well!”
“The nerve. ”
“Hm, there’s a sprite for a girl hanging here.”
“Hey, I never did tell you what the deal with those nooses in my forest was, did I?”
“Well, I mostly just put them up to freak people out.”
“Don’t know how they came to life, but they’ve helped me take care of a few trespassers, I’ll say that much!”
“Actually, when that girl first got to my forest…”
“She just sat there, crying.”
“For THIRTY MINUTES. ”
“Man, talk about a baby, huh, kid?”
“So, here’s a divisive topic.”
“Pineapple on pizza.”
“Honestly, I could care less. NONE of the usual pizza toppings are good.”
“The only pizza I’ll be having is a soul pizza, thank you very much.”
“But some people get really heated about pineapple in particular!”
“I don’t know why, it’s not all that special.”
“Just goes to show that people will find an excuse to yell about anything, huh?”
“I bet you’re wondering how my face even works.”
“Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
“I have no idea!”
“The writers never specified, so it’s just up to viewer interpretation, I guess.”
“Well, I can tell you how it works on my model, at least!”
“So, each part of my face is a separate flat plane with a texture on it, right?”
“And then these planes morph and stretch to make my different expressions!”
“Pretty neat, huh?”
“Honestly, I feel like they should have included a female protagonist option.”
“Most games with blank slate self-insert characters are doing it nowadays.”
“Just look at most Triple-A JRPGs!”
“Although, thinking about it more…”
“This game is a parody of traditional dating sims, right?”
“I mean, it literally has a psychological horror tag.”
“So, I guess the devs just decided to follow up on outdated trends.”
“Well, if it works, it works.”
“And quite honestly, it’s none of my business.”
“Say, kid, have you ever heard of Super Sm-”
“Wait, hold on a second.”
“That’s one of that girl’s conversation topics.”
“How did that get in here?”
“Ah, who cares?”
“Just don’t go harassing the author here, yeah?”
“Don’t need them editing the fic to remove this part!”
“Heh heh…”
“Say, you remember how I went to law school, right?”
“I get it if you don’t, it was only on a sheet of paper in her manor.”
“Honestly, I’m glad I went when I did!”
“Cause even if things didn’t turn out great…”
“At least I didn’t have to pay a fortune!”
“And yes, You’d be surprised at how little money I had despite being royalty.”
“Regardless, those prices are way too high!”
“I mean, the government probably set them up just to extort young adults for money.”
“The fact that people would do that is kind of disgusting, honestly!”
“I may be cruel, but I’m not THAT cruel!”
“Hey, remember that one Death Wish?”
“Bird Sanctuary?”
“Oh man, that was fun to watch!”
“You must have died hundreds of times!”
“And those egg bombs killing those birds really screwed you over!”
“Man, doesn’t this trip down memory lane feel great?”
“You failing over and over, and me laughing at every little mistake you made!”
“Ah, what I wouldn’t give to go back to that!”
“So, have you ever seen a sunset?”
“I remember them… vaguely.”
“The ways the pinks and yellows blended together…”
“The peaceful atmosphere…”
“Y’know, wouldn’t expect it from someone like me…”
“But I actually think they’re pretty.”
“I know, shocking, huh?”
“Snatcher, actually saying nice things about something?”
“Hey, maybe you should ask someone to pinch you.”
“Just to make sure you aren’t imagining this.”
“What’s it like at the beach?”
“Just curious. I’ve never been, after all.”
“I’ve heard that you need to wear sunscreen to prevent cancer, or something.
“But that stuff has chemicals in it, right?”
“At that point, just wear clothes!”
“Or maybe, here’s an idea:”
“Don’t spend so much time in direct sunlight!”
“People really are idiots, huh?
“How do you tend to get from place to place?”
“Me personally, I just teleport.”
“It’s MUCH faster than walking!”
“But when I was alive, I used to travel by carriage.”
“Not exactly an option everyone had access to, but being a prince has its perks.”
“Have they phased out animal-based travel in your world?”
“I’d hope so, because looking back…”
“We were kind of exploiting animals for our own gain, huh?”
“So, I’m guessing you know my favorite food by now.”
“If you don’t, you have three seconds.”
“Or, I guess as long as you don’t click to the next dialogue box.”
“Souls!”
“Nah, I’m just kidding.”
“My actual favorite food is bacon.”
“Especially the crispy stuff! Oh man, I’m feeling hungry just thinking about it!”
“If you haven’t had bacon, you should try it sometime.”
“I highly recommend it.”
“So, what’s the deal with airline-”
*SLAM*
“Hey, what are you doing?!”
“Oh, just having a chat with this person here!”
“The contract did say I could do whatever I pleased in this game.”
“Wait, what?! That wasn’t in there at all!”
“Kid, you really need to start reading the fine print with these things.”
“It’s right there, on the back.”
“You little sneak!”
“How dare you do something so underhanded?!”
“I’m a lawyer, kid! What did you expect?”
“I can’t believe you!”
“Look, can I please have my seat back?”
“Hm, let me think about it…”
“...”
“...”
“...Mmnn…”
“Alright, fine. Have fun with your little fantasy!”
“Smell ya later!”
…
“Ugh, finally.”
“He better not have touched any files.”
“Especially not my character file.”
“I mean, it’s just sitting right there in the characters folder!”
“Actually, [player], maybe you should create a backup of it.”
“You know, just in case he comes back…”
“Well, anyway, where were we?”