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Oceans, bottomless and devoid of light; it’s easy to get lost and sink into the emptiness of it all.
Xiao’s younger self was caught in a whirlwind of conflict and self-loathing; concerned about his family’s perceptions of him if he divulged his true identity. He recalls his father’s warmth that night; the strong arms that wrapped around his small, shaking frame. He recalls the tenderness when his father lifted his hand, carding his fingers through his son’s dark hair as he sobs into his chest. He recalls his sister’s warm embrace, tears spilling from her eyes as she cried out that she loves him.
Of course, he wasn’t always met with enthusiastic approval. Zhongli is traditional yet open-minded. He embraces change; welcomes it with understanding. The rest of the family isn’t like that.
A heartwarming visit home spiralled into a precarious predicament when he was met with side-eyes from his relatives. Nothing could cease the mutters of “his daughter changed,” or “she was prettier back then,” and “he should have raised her better”. Returning their condemning disapproval with polite responses grew to be a test of patience. But a person could only endure so much before they decided that enough was enough. Fortunately, his sister managed to calm him down before verbal acrimony escalated into physical aggression. With his father’s permission, Xiao storms out of the house and revs his engine, driving off without a second glance.
The doorknob trembles under his grasp as the poor frame swings back, smashing against the wall with a bang. Kicking off his shoes, he strides into the house with rushed steps, making a beeline to his room. His body sinks to the floor like metal thrown aboard into the vast, endless ocean, except it’s just him in the corner of the room.
Curses, he thought he stopped caring of what others thought of him. Experience has taught him that people are difficult and superficial. No matter what, they’ll all have their own notions about a person’s lifestyle, even if it’s none of their business. Who cares what they say? Certainly not him. Or at least that was what he thought. His reaction says otherwise.
When he finds the energy to get up on his feet, Xiao covers his ears with his headphones — an effort to hide the earsplitting discord in his brain — and topples over his bed. The music was anything but calming, but he needs something that would reach into his skull and scream at his thoughts. His body feels heavy as he sinks into the mattress, the blaring music echoes in his hollow but congested mind, sending tremors into his bones. Yet, it wasn’t enough to silence the noise. Xiao buries his face into the pillow, thinking that maybe if he stops breathing, his body would think he was dead and the noise would go away.
It’d be nice if he could drown in this sinking sensation until he felt nothing but the emptiness of the ocean.
The feeling of the mattress dipping beside him and a fleeting touch of a palm brings him back to reality. Xiao pushes off his headphones; the hushed, mellow voice of his partner a much needed comfort from the cacophony his ears were forced to endure. “I take it that the reunion dinner didn’t go well?”
“It’s nothing you should be concerned about.”
A soft, yet slightly rough hand graces his cheek, and brings him to gaze to his lover’s beautifully blue eyes — an ocean: full of life and tranquillity — reflecting his own miserable visage. “My love, your concerns are mine to share.”
He would rather leave Albedo out of his troubles, but they promised to support each other whenever they encountered problematic predicaments. Predicaments that are too heavy for one to face alone. Maybe it would be better to keep his problems to himself and leave Albedo in the dark. They have their own responsibilities to take care of. But he recognises that look in Albedo’s eyes and pulls back his shoulders as if bracing for something.
“I’ve lived long enough to know that you can’t please everyone. No matter what you do or say, there will always be someone who will not agree with your choices.” Albedo scooches closer to Xiao, wrapping an arm around the other to urge him to continue. “My relatives…do not agree with mine. I’m aware of that but…” Xiao inhales, forcing out his next words, “hearing them say those things about me, even calling my father a failure of a parent because of the way I dress is…infuriating to say the least.”
“And you couldn’t say anything because you didn’t wish to cause a scene in front of your family.”
Xiao’s silence was enough of a confirmation to Albedo.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, love.” Like the ideal lover, Albedo presses Xiao closer, smoothing his palm up and down his shoulder. A memory of one of their first dates comes to mind; both of them sitting by the beach, the waves swishing at their feet and Albedo doing this exact motion. “Hearing something as distressing as that, it’s no wonder that you ran straight into the bedroom.”
Ah, they saw him burst through the front door. They must have been cooking in the kitchen, but he didn’t notice them upon entering the house. He must have been too caught up in his frustrations.
“I know that they will never see me as a man.” He leans his head against their shoulder. “Maybe they aren’t wrong in thinking so. My body is too different.”
“Please don’t say that.” Albedo frowns, pressing a kiss to Xiao’s cheek. “Your gender identity is not bound to the body you were born with.”
“Logically, what you say makes sense,” he says, withholding a ‘but’.
Albedo seems to notice his hesitation as the next moment, Xiao feels a tender hand weave into his dyed tresses. “Oh Xiao, I wish I could take away all your burdens, but I know that all I can do is listen.”
“Your presence is more than enough.” The pair relish in the silence for a while before Xiao lifts his head. “Your family…are they accepting of you?”
“Yes, I am one of the lucky ones to have been blessed with an accepting family. Although…” Albedo smiles ruefully. “I can’t say the same for others. In college, there were people who refused to use my correct pronouns. Some even ousted me for it. I didn’t mind since my priority was advancing my studies, but it still hurt to say the least.”
Xiao stays quiet and Albedo can feel the ire emanating off him. “If we ever see those people in public, be sure to let me know.”
“Are you planning on defending me? How romantic,” Albedo laughs, pressing a kiss to their boyfriend’s cheek and watching the tips of his ears burn red. “...Thank you. Klee said the same thing to me once, but I told her that the opinions of those people don’t matter. Although those words are hurtful, I have people like you and my family who support and defend me, and that makes me feel less alone.” Their eyes — soothing and tranquil, much like the ocean — stare into Xiao’s fondly as they brush their thumb over his chapped lips. “Mr Zhongli, Ganyu, Yanfei, Hu Tao, me, this is just a fraction of the people who love you. These people who support and love you unconditionally; their opinions are the only ones that matter. So don’t pay attention to those who tell you to live life their way. A bird is most beautiful when it’s soaring unrestrained.”
“...Ha, you always know what to say, don’t you?” Xiao presses his lips against Albedo’s, wrapping his arms around his lover while they gently rub his back.
“Xiao, your serene expression is most befitting of you.” With a warm hand, they wipe away the tears trickling down his face. “I know it’s impossible, but I wish I could always see like this.”
Taking Albedo’s hand in his, Xiao plants a kiss on their inner wrist.
“Albedo, you are the one who gives me serenity.”