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The Vampire Residence
Erik is sitting alone in The Fancy Room. He is surrounded by many, many, many candles burning alarmingly all around him. Did he light them all himself? And how long did it take him?
“I have been teaching Nadja to sing,” he says, with infinite sadness. His yellow eyes are brimming with tears.
He looks down.
There is a very long silence
He does not look up.
Will he ever speak again? A person behind the camera clears their throat.
“She is my only failure,’ Erik wails. “THE ONLY ONE.”
Nadja’s club - 1am
The club is heaving.
Laszlo is at the bar. He has a large and gaudy blood cocktail with a parasol and a straw. He says to the camera, “Since Erik became Nandor’s seventeenth guywife, he’s been much happier. Can’t say I like him any more but he’s calmed down a lot. Less weeping and wailing, and less all of that dramatic opera shit. It turns out that he’s quite the connoisseur of the vintage porno - especially the ones I made in twenties Berlin - he says they remind him of some friends of his. They’re a saucy lot, the Germans, and I should know because I rogered half of them!
“Anyway, he started to give my daaaarling wife, Nadja singing lessons, as they say. She was very enthusiastic. At first, I thought this was because she likes a bit of weird in the sack - but - it turns out - he’s been giving her actual singing lessons!”
Guillermo is on the street outside Nadja’s club. Behind him is a line of vampires waiting to get into the club.
He addresses the camera. “I’ve been helping Baby Colin Robinson with his musical numbers for the club. His taste isn’t quite as sophisticated as mine, but - we’re getting there! Really - it’s been such a thrill to be able to enjoy musical theater with him. Of course, what I would really like to do is perform songs from the European musicals - Elisabeth das Musical, Der Meister und Margarita. And not forgetting Tanz der Vampire.” He pauses and looks wistful. “Yeah, I’d love to do that one.” He comes back to himself and continues, “Nandor’s husband doesn’t help at all. But I chose the song Nadja and Baby Colin are going to sing especially for him. I think he’ll love it.”
Guillermo smiles wickedly.
Nandor is at the club, somewhere backstage. The thud of the music can be heard. He looks very pleased. He says to the camera, “After we discovered that the creature that crawled out of our dead friend Colin Robinson’s chest cavity is so good at giving the musical turns, Nadja’s club has been buzzing. My newest guywife, but biggest pain in the ass, the delectable Erik, did not want anything to do with the Little Baby Colin Robinson’s performances. He said they were an affront to all that was musical, and then he cried, which was very insulting to Baby Colin Robinson, if you ask me.
“But! For after the singing I have prepared for him this evening a very special surprise!”
Suddenly, Nadja and Baby Colin Robinson join Nandor. Nadja is wearing a large turquoise 18th century dress with a long blue cloak, she is grinning widely and looks extremely excited. Baby Colin Robinson is wearing a tuxedo and a top hat.
Nadja tells the camera, “I have been receiving singing lessons from Erik! Ugh - he is sooo sensual and sexual, so commanding and authoritative.” She raises her shoulders in imagined carnal pleasure. “He is a dark fuck lord - no wonder Nandor finds him so irresistible –”
“Hey!” Nandor interrupts, “Remember the Little Baby Colin Robinson is here –”
“I don’t mind,” says Baby Colin Robinson, “I’ve seen you all at it –”
Nadja pulls a face. “This tiny little pervert and I are going to sing a duet. It will be a glorious culmination of the many wonderful hours that Erik has spent - tutoring me - as they say.” She winks, lewdly. “He has done marvels for my voice! Not only am I now a glorious soprano, I can now talk to the bats with echolocation!”
“Guys! Guess what!’ drones Baby Colin Robinson. “The song that we will be singing tonight is from the longest running musical on Broadway, and has been seen by over 140 million people in 33 countries worldwide –”
“Shut up, Baby Colin Robinson, nobody cares!” snaps Nadja.
The stage of the club is in darkness. A chandelier above the stage suddenly fizzles into life, its lights coming on apparently at random. The crowd of vampires is expectant. The piano starts playing and is suddenly lit up, to reveal Lazslo. He is playing the introduction to All I Ask of You flamboyantly and with many additional musical flourishes.
Nadja and Baby Colin Robison run onto the stage as the rest of the lights go up. They stand in the centre of the stage, facing each other, holding each other’s hands. In between them is a microphone which is at Baby Colin Robinson’s height.
Baby Colin Robinson starts to sing, his face earnest: “No more talk of darkness…”
The vampires all hoot and start clapping. Nadja looks out at them and beams.
He continues: "Forget these wide-eyed fears, I'm here, nothing can harm you, My words will warm and calm you…”
One of the lights on the lighting rig above the crowd begins to wobble, making the lights on the stage chaotic. Nadja laughs nervously.
Undeterred, Baby Colin Robinson sings on.
When it comes to her part, Nadja grabs the microphone on the stand and holds it unnecessarily close to her mouth. She turns to face the audience and warbles operatically: “Say you’ll love me every waking moment…”
The chandelier above the stage flickers wildly and the stage lights start to shake.
Baby Colin Robinson reaches up to take the microphone from Nadja, who is reluctant to let it go. He has to sing quickly to catch up with the accompaniment: “Let me be your shelter…”
Nadja snatches the microphone back. She sings with more passion and vibrato, going up an up octave for dramatic effect: “All I want is freedom…”
The chandelier starts swinging. A disembodied, but gorgeously rich and lustrous, male voice moans as if its owner is in pain. Laszlo continues to hammer at the piano.
Baby Colin Robinson does a little twirl, a little tapdance and then sings, above the noise: “Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime, Let me lead you from your solitude…”
The fabulous and sexy male voice suddenly shouts, “Stop, stop, STOP!”
Baby Colin Robinson does not stop, but takes a deep breath and sings, even louder: “Say you need me with you, here beside you, Anywhere you go, let me go too, That's all I ask of you…”
Before Nadja can sing her part, a light falls from the lighting rig directly onto the head of a vampire in the crowd. The vampire is felled in a crumpled heap. Everyone starts screaming and laughing. Perhaps it is part of the show? The camera returns to the stage.
Nadja is gesticulating at Laszlo. She wants him to continue to play. Unseen by her, the chandelier is now swinging wildly above their heads.
Nadja grabs the microphone ready to sing her last, climactic, lines. To the sound of maniacal laughter, the chandelier shakes bizarrely and then drops. It does not fall onto Nadja and Baby Colin Robinson because whoever has cut it from its hanging has neglected to cut the safety wire. It dangles anti-climactically, at an odd angle above their heads.
The maniacal laughter stops.
Everyone in the crowd goes wild. At last, Laszlo stops playing the piano.
Nadja looks up with disgust at the precarious chandelier, and then bellows into the crowd, “What the fuck is going on? Who did this?”
There is a commotion at the back of the room. The camera follows the noise. The crowd parts and the lights mysteriously go red. There appears in the midst of them a very tall figure wearing a huge and flamboyant red hat with feathers, a long red cloak, and a red velvet suit, with breeches. He is wearing a skull-shaped mask. The crowd falls silent at this majestic sight. On the stage, Nadja and Baby Colin Robinson are open-mouthed in wonder.
The figure laughs again. It is now clear that this is the person who was previously doing all the moaning. He steps slowly into the crowd, regal. He raises his left hand and points imperiously at the stage. “Naaaadja,” he booms.
Nadja presses her hands to her chest. She looks around the club, utterly thrilled and cries, “Ooooo,” in a way that suggests she is on the verge of orgasm.
“Nadja,” the figure in red continues, “Why do you continue to TORMENT me so? Not since the terrible spring of eighteen eighty-seven have I been so tormented by a woman’s voice!”
Nadja gasps in horror.
Suddenly, Nandor rushes onto the stage. “No, no, no!” He shouts. “This isn’t meant to happen! Erik –” he shouts to the majestic figure in red, “What are you doing? I said to you that you shall not make an appearance until later on –”
“How –” Booms Erik, in red, “How could I LISTEN to this woman and that abominable man-child for a moment longer? That song ABUSES my ears, ASSAULTS my senses –”
“Was that you with the chandelier?” Nandor demands, horrified.
Erik chuckles, “It was a mere coincidence, Nandaroga. That chandelier is very old and worn.” He folds his arms, triumphantly. “It came down entirely of its own accord.”
Nadja shouts, all outrage, “What do you mean the chandelier is very old and worn! It was only put up last night - for this performance!” She slaps her hands on her skirt with impatience.
Baby Colin Robinson intones into the microphone, “Eric you should have come on dressed like that before me and Nadja sang. In the original musical the song Masquerade is performed before All I Ask of You, so technically you’ve come on stage at the wrong moment –”
Laszlo stands up from behind the piano. “Boy - be quiet. No one wants to hear about the plot of an overblown musical by that poisoned clown, Lloyd Webber.” He turns to face Erik. “Did you just try to end my good lady wife by dropping this very fine chandelier upon her head?” He jumps down athletically from the stage, sparkly cape flying out behind him. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
But before Erik can respond, the Djinn arrives on the stage, looking flustered. He is followed by a small but furious-looking blonde woman in a deep blue Victorian dress. “Listen,” the Djinn says, “I am not paid enough for this - can someone please deal with this woman –”
Both Nandor and Erik scream at once.
Erik leaps from the club floor up onto the stage, throws off his enormous hat and falls to his knees in front of the blonde woman. She holds her hands up to her face, whether in shock or joy, it cannot be told. Erik embraces her legs so tightly that she almost falls over. He presses his masked face into her crotch and sobs. She very tentatively puts her hands on his head, leaning forward as if she is about to kiss him. But she pauses and straightens up, as if she has had second thoughts. She slaps him, first with one hand and then with the other, and then beats him faster and faster, shouting, “Vous êtes un homme terrible! Qu'as-tu fait?”
The crowd of vampires whoops and cheer.
Vampire residence - 3 weeks later
Guillermo is standing in the hallway. Beyond him, some way down the corridor can be heard a soprano voice singing ecstatically. It is clearly not Nadja.
Guillermo says to the camera, “So Nandor asked the Djinn to grant him a wish. For some reason he asked me what he should wish for. I suggested that he get Erik’s wife, Christine Daae, brought back.” He pauses, an extremely guilty look upon his face. “Erik wept and wailed so much about Christine. I said it would make him happy. And, I thought it would bring Nandor - well, you know - back to me.” He sighs.
“But no, they have invited him into their marriage. The fact that Nandor and Erik murdered both Christine and Raoul has been conveniently forgotten.” He raises an eyebrow and purses his lips in disapproval. “They don’t tell you that in the musical. Anyway. Erik and Christine and Nandor have been getting along very well ever since. As you can hear. He turned her, of course.” Guillermo sighs, sadly. “So I am still the only non-vampire here. But –”
The singing has stopped. Behind Guillermo can be seen Christine and Erik, walking arm in arm down the corridor towards him. Guillermo turns back to watch them. Nandor follows them, a little way behind. After they pass, Guillermo returns to the camera.
“ –I think that Nandor is a little too cosy with them both. So - I am going to suggest that he asks the Djinn to bring back Raoul.”
He smiles broadly and wiggles, delighted.