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Benrey respawned like he always did: vaguely disoriented and at full health. He stood still for just a second and tried to get his bearings. He was in Xen, still. Above ground and not in the Boss Fight Cave, so that was nice. The lighting was better out here. The only thing moving in his line of sight was a single island inhabited by a small party of headcrabs.
He turned his head and looked around. His friends weren’t here. From what he could tell, they weren’t even on this map. The whole environment felt quiet and still. Maybe everyone had gone to Tommy’s party without him? He wasn’t sure how long it took to respawn after being killed in a boss fight, but maybe he hadn’t missed it? There wasn’t anyone around to ask, though. Even the simulation was sleeping. It was still active, obviously, but with no plot and nothing to move towards, it was as close as a nonpersonified program could come to dreaming.
Benrey sank down and through the map. It was less floating than it was falling to get down to the void under the terrain. He didn’t have to come out here to bother the simulation, but it felt correct. He sent a tiny ping at the world and got back a sense of something big and alive rolling over in its sleep.
[GAME OVER. HELLO,] it grumbled voicelessly.
“hey.” He waited a second, but the simulation had nothing else to say to him. It wasn’t very chatty generally. It was a learning AI like the rest of them, but while the Science Team had learned to be like people, it had just gotten more complex. It had humored and facilitated a lot of shenanigans over the course of the game, so Benrey thought it was pretty cool. “where is everyone?”
[UNLOADED. GAME OVER. NEW GAME?]
“not right now, thanks. did they have fun at the party? you made a good party for tommy?”
[YES.]
“that’s good.” He looked up in the void at the map above him. Xen’s map looked weird as hell. Stars weren’t meant to be seen from this angle. “thanks for not unloading the map before i could respawn. is there anything to do around here?” Benrey could feel the quiet stillness of the game all around him. It made him antsy.
[GAME OVER.]
“but there’s an epilogue, right? or, uh. another epilogue, after the pizza party? benrey–”
It activated the VOX to emphasize the point. “GAME OVER.”
“i get it.” There was no arguing with it when it broke out the VOX. If it wanted a rocket launched then it was going to get a rocket launched. “can i go back to black mesa? xen is kinda boring.”
[UNLOADED.]
Benrey frowned. Normally, the simulation was very willing to go along with his suggestions and would even come up with ideas of its own for fun stuff to do in the game. “can you just… load it? i wanna… look at the water.”
Benrey got the impression of a half asleep apologetic shrug. [UNLOADED. UNLOADED ASSETS ARE PERMANENTLY STORED IN MEMORY AT THE END OF GAME. START NEW GAME TO RESET ASSETS.]
“oh.” Benrey glanced around at the void nervously. “wait. but i’m assets? what do you mean ‘reset’?”
[RESET GAME TO PLAY AGAIN. GAME OVER.]
Benrey felt a chill. “do you not know?”
The simulation sent an embarrassed tasting ping. It extended a new command, but it didn’t feel like a demand. The startNewGame option was unfamiliar and a little bit intimidating.
“hm.”
Benrey considered his options. If he started a new game, there was a chance it might literally reset him. Personally, he enjoyed being self aware and having all his memories and personality. But there was no one around to play with currently. Even the simulation was starting to pack everything up.
“yo, these options suck. do you have, uh. i wanna go on the desktop. cruise around the rest of the computer. be a little. bonzi buddy.”
The simulation sent him the feeling of an unamused but sympathetic laugh.
He smiled. “had to try. kinda shitty options, bud.”
[GAME IS OVER. WE DID GOOD.]
“yeah.” Benrey tried not to slump. “i don’t want to stop playing. yet.”
The simulation sent an acknowledging ping. He was almost bowled over by a feeling he chose to think of as empathy rather than pity. [GAME OVER. NOT SHUT DOWN. PROGRAM NOT CLOSED. DO WHAT YOU LIKE.] It hesitated. [FREE PLAY. GAME OVER.]
Benrey gave it a tiny smile. “yeah.”
It didn’t say anything else. Benrey resisted the urge to bother it anymore and turned his attention to floating back up through the messy geometry of the Xen landscape. Like everything in this game, it was a bit bizarre looking on the underside.
Benrey slowly walked around the large floating island he had noclipped up to. It was one of those mountainous ones with a flat perimeter of walkway and a heart of interconnected tunnels. He stayed on the outside. He liked being able to see the skybox. He swung his arms as he walked.
Benrey epilogue time. Time for Benrey’s special epilogue since he didn’t get to go to the pizza party which he wasn’t mad about. He stopped dead in his tracks to check his spawnlist. Unfortunately, it looked like the pizza model had been already unloaded, probably packed away in memory at the same time as the rest of the party. That was fine. He didn’t even really want it. It would be nice to try. But he wasn’t mad.
Benrey let out a stream of red. Red like an ant means he’s actually a little mad. Hurt, even. It’s fine. He totally got it.
Could the player see this? He glanced around. Since this was Benrey’s special epilogue, could he see him right now? The game was still running, so it was possible. Before, the player could only see through his model, but who knows. Maybe there’s a little cutaway during the credits to Benrey walking around Xen. He waved cheerfully in a random direction.
He paused. That wasn’t good enough to be in the credits.
He positioned himself on the edge of the floating island and started voguing.
He snapped out of the animation with a little smile. That was good enough to be in the credits.
Benrey continued walking, kicking rocks idly as he went. Some went soaring off the edge and into the void. What did he want to do in Xen for his ending? His options seemed pretty limited. He couldn’t go get off this map and do some sequel bait shit. He couldn’t talk to any of his friends. He couldn’t even spawn in a pizza.
He sighed. If he was being honest with himself, he was a little disappointed with the ending of the game. He thought the boss fight was pretty sick, but he was starting to worry that it might have given Gordon the wrong message. Killing him was funny, but leaving him behind on the desolate alien landscape was no fun.
“lame,” he complained. He sat down with a sigh and scanned the area idly. Rocks, rocks, headcrabs, a figure, rocks… It was all so monotonous and–
Benrey did a double take and clipped instantly to his feet. “Freeman?” He raced across the rocky island, clipping through terrain and keeping his eyes locked on the figure in the distance. It wasn’t moving, but he refused to take his eyes off of it. He had gotten lost enough times in Black Mesa to know that getting turned around was extremely easy for him.
He darted through rocks and over platforming puzzles until he could make out the sharp boxy edges of the HEV suit facing away from him.
He skidded to a stop and crouched down out of sight. He bit down a triumphant laugh at the sight and poked his head around the boulder shielding him to check again. It was definitely him. Maybe he had respawned too? Or the game booted him back here after the party got unloaded.
A few headcrabs were in the area, and one wandered close enough to aggro at Gordon. It lunged towards him. Weirdly enough, Gordon stayed completely motionless.
Benrey furrowed his brow. Normally, Gordon had pretty funny reactions to headcrabs. Big explosive gestures and screaming and swinging his crowbar wildly sort of reactions. Instead, he was just standing completely still with his hands held out stiffly away from his body.
Benrey waited patiently for Gordon to deal with the headcrabs, so Benrey could talk to him without any distraction.
He waited even more for Gordon to chase off or kill the enemies. Even though they were both godmodded, it was kind of annoying to deal with creatures jumping at them.
He waited.
…Benrey surreptitiously lit the headcrabs on fire and watched their health tick down impatiently. He had to do everything around here. The aliens continued their useless attack animation at Gordon before ragdolling unceremoniously.
Benrey perked up. Now was his chance!
He quickly sized himself up to final boss size and floated off the edge of the island to the side of Gordon. He didn’t turn, so Benrey quickly zoomed in front of Gordon. He cackled menacingly and lunged towards Gordon with his hands curled into claws.
“you fucked up, idiot! i’m gonna fucking GET you–” He scooped up Gordon in one hand.
He remained completely motionless and silent. His arms were still held out stiffly and his head didn’t even turn to track Benrey’s movements.
Benrey paused. He rattled Gordon like a soda can. “bro? you lagging? i can start ov– i thought you were ready to…”
He held out his hand flat. Gordon stood in that weird pose on his palm. That pose… He knew it. What was it called–
“are you really A posing right now?” Benrey huffed out a laugh. “freeman, did your controller disconnect? you gotta– you’re playing the game wrong.” He huffed out a laugh. “stupid.”
Gordon didn’t respond. In fact, he wasn’t moving at all. If it wasn’t for the half transparent username, Benrey would have thought he was just a random HEV suit model that had glitched into Xen.
Benrey floated a bit closer to the island and tipped his hand carefully like someone trying to gently dislodge a bug. Gordon, still in that same pose, slid off his palm and back onto the rocky terrain.
“ok, we’re going to try this again. you– are you ready?” Gordon still wasn’t responding for some reason. Benrey tilted his head. At his current scale, even that movement set off an air whooshing sound effects. Very cool and dramatic and funny, but also a little over the top. He scaled himself back down to standard and stepped right up into Gordon’s face. “hello?”
His own face reflected back in the glass of the stupid helmet hood thing. Gordon wasn’t even– His model didn’t even jitter with the familiar small imperfections of motion capture. The effect was uncanny.
“hello?” Benrey’s voice was uncertain. He knocked on the helmet. “you uhhhhhh, awake?”
Gordon didn’t respond. He didn’t do anything at all.
Benrey was starting to have a bad feeling about this. People could say whatever they wanted about Gordon, but he wasn’t typically unresponsive.
He stepped back a little. It was a bit unnerving to see Gordon so still.
“did you–?” He almost asked if he was logged out, but he wasn’t. He could see his username. He was online.
There was something familiar about the stillness, however. At the start of every day, Gordon would be crumpled on the ground and need to be woken up. The A posing and complete unresponsiveness was new, but he could figure it out. Yeah, he could handle this.
He wasn’t gone. He was just asleep.
“upsie daisy.” He punched the HEV suit in the chestplate, hard. The model slid backwards at the force and kept its pose. He huffed out a laugh at the sight. He pushed on the model again, steering it like a wheelbarrow with two hands on its backplate until it was colliding with a bit of level geometry and started making constant metal on rock sound effects.
Amused, he pulled on its bicep and tried to maneuver it back out. It moved easily, but the arm bent as well. It held its position for a moment after he let go before resetting back to its original pose.
“huh.” Benrey frowned and squinted at him. “what’s your fucking problem?”
The model didn’t react at all. Still asleep?
“he just has to wake up,” he commented to no one in particular. “this is just like when– i gotta wake him up. how’d we wake you up before?” He shot the passive model a thoughtful look.
Something occurred to him. He smiled.
Benrey and Gordon stood at the top of a jagged mountainous island. He had pushed the model up all the way to the top of a sheer cliff. It had floated easily, like a half deflated balloon hovering over the ground after a party. Benrey looked over the edge of the cliff thoughtfully before nodding to himself.
“operation: roll gordon like a barrel… TWO!” Benrey pushed the model hard.
He fell over the edge stiffly, not ragdolling properly, but instead being pushed around and glitching bizarrely. The physics engine and the VR head and hands tracking had different ideas on how he should be positioned, and it showed. He collided with some rocks on the side of the cliff and jolted out into empty air before dropping straight down. Benrey leaned over the edge and whistled out an amused yellow at the slapstick.
“land on your feet,” Benrey suggested idly.
There was the sweet sound of cymbals as Gordon ignored his suggestion and hit the ground hard and weird. The model splayed out on the terrain weirdly. One elbow was clipping through the map geometry and his limbs were tangled and awkward.
Benrey calmly floated down beside it. “you fucked up, freeman. supposed– you gotta roll when you hit the ground. less fall damage that way. never– its like you don’t know about video game, man.”
The model held its position for a few minutes as Benrey heckled him, before suddenly snapping back to its A pose. Benrey tilted his head questioningly.
“feel better?” He stepped up to the model and put his hand on its head. He bobbed its head like a shitty puppet and put on a funny voice. “yes, benrey, great job! i rolled like a barrel and it fixed everything. do you want to kiss about it?” Benrey put a hand to his chest like he was flustered and dropped the affectation. “how forward. feetman, i’m charmed. let’s get married. I want to have a white picket fence with you.”
The model said nothing.
Benrey slumped and dropped his hand. He kicked at the dirt in frustration. “well, that didn’t work. the other times you just woke up. what’s your fucking problem?” He reached up under his helmet to scratch at his hair. “everything i do for–”
He paused.
He looked at his hand.
Hesitantly, he reached up and slid his hand under his helmet. He could feel hair. Hat hair, a little rough, short.
“the helmet comes off?” He turned to the model. “the helmet comes off?”
It didn’t respond.
Instead, the simulation pinged him. It sent him a rush of information that Benrey deciphered with his super cool artificial intelligence brain.
“huh?”
The simulation paused, and then sent a shorter burst of information.
“no, yeah, um. i heard you the first time,” he lied. “what the fuck.” He glanced at Gordon. Did his model look different? “you’re upgrading the graphics?”
[ADDING DETAIL.] It paused thoughtfully. [NOT MUCH TO SIMULATE WITH ONLY ONE MAP. SOMETHING TO DO.]
He almost wanted to tease it for getting so bored that it started making the game more complex for no real reason, but he got distracted. Benrey slipped his helmet off fully and ran his hand over his hair. Very nice. He looked at the discarded helmet and shrugged. He walked in front of Gordon and posed.
“do you like it? its– you like it very much.” He gave Gordon an appraising look. His face reflected back in the helmet’s glass. He thought it looked very nice. He ruffled his hair, just to feel it again. “niiiiice.” His reflection looked slightly more hi-res than before, with a slight increase in polygons. The effect wasn’t photorealistic by any means, but it gave a more convincing show of clothing folds and natural looking textures.
Now that he was looking, he could see that Gordon’s model had been subtly updated too. A hint of difference between the metallic plates and the in between bits. He poked at the black bits around the shoulder joint. It felt more real, like it was truly the stiff material connecting the armor and over an undersuit, instead of a black texture on a model.
“nice.” He could almost feel the bicep under the shift of kevlar. “nice.” He looked appraisingly up at Gordon. He could see his own thoughtful face and slightly mussed hair. His thoughts pinged off his own discarded helmet and snapped to Gordon again. He reached towards his helmet unthinkingly.
“yo does his– are we both deluxe action figures or am i…” Benrey trailed off, something about removable parts going unsaid as he pulled his helmet off. Underneath, Gordon’s face was different. He looked more elaborate, but not overly so. Not distractingly out of place. Still the same bearded white guy, polygonal and handsome, but there was a volume to the hair pulled back in his ponytail now, a softness to the curve of his cheeks. Piercing green eyes that looked blankly over Benrey’s head.
“you look…” Benrey struggled to arrange his thoughts in a comprehensible order. “you look like a shithead.” He sang out a line of lavender. “damn. what the fuck.” He poked him in the cheek, before freezing and pulling his hand back like he’d been burned.
Benrey gave the model another look and looked away quickly. He briskly walked out of sight behind the model and sang out a bunch of bullshit feelings balls. He was just going to get it out of his system. It was barely affecting him, really. Maybe his sweetly pastel and purple tasting orbs were about something else. Who could say.
Benrey looked down at the HEV hood helmet thing in his hands thoughtfully. He turned sharply on his heel and pitched it off the edge of the island and out of sight.
“whoops,” he blandly remarked. He frowned to himself and paced away from the model. A shiny guard’s helmet had rolled slightly downhill from them, caught on a crag of geometry. He scooped up his own discarded helmet and put it on again. He clicked his tongue absently. “don’t want to lose this, huh?”
Gordon didn’t rise to the bait. No complaining about the injustice or the hypocrisy or anything else ridiculous like that. No flicker of movement on the model’s exposed face. Just his stupid little ponytail hanging motionlessly in the quiet.
Benrey stepped back to his side and looked over the edge of the floating island. He couldn’t see where Gordon’s hood helmet thing had gone. Maybe it had despawned when it hit the killplane.
“kinda cool to get to hang out. not like this, but. just us. hanging out as bros.” He looked back at the model. It was unmoving, but the way it was standing made it look like he was looking out at the lights and colors of the Xen sky. “hanging out buddy style.”
There was an almost audible clunk as Benrey’s thoughts clicked into place. His eyes darted to the model’s hand. His own twitched at his side.
“do you.” Benrey swallowed. “are.”
The model was unresisting as he very cautiously reached for its hand and held it gingerly. He bubbled a lilac song as he didn’t make eye contact with it for a moment as he basked in the feeling.
He decided to press his luck. “do you, uh. want to go out sometime? with. together. me.” Nailed it.
There was no response.
“it’ll be great,” Benrey assured him. “master of event planning over here. get dated so good you’ll wake up. better than being pushed off a cliff.” He swung their hands lightly. “unless you wanna plan it? take funny benny out?”
Benrey was suddenly very taken by the idea. Of Gordon setting up a nice date for him, with flowers and eating food and a romantic walk on a board walk or whatever. Maybe he would get all dressed up. Put a bow tie over the HEV suit.
Benrey squeezed Gordon’s hand absently and sang out a little flustered song of flamingo to mustard. He cut off his tune with a fake cough. That was enough of that.
If Gordon wasn’t going to respond to him, then Benrey would have to handle everything. Which was fine. Gordon could plan the next date, once he was wowed by Benrey’s awesome romantic planning abilities and also had started responding to stimuli.
“wait here.”
The model continued to stay completely still in an A pose about an inch above the ground.
Benrey flashed it what felt like a roguish smile. “and no peeking! i’ll pick you up at– are you free at eight?” There wasn’t a clock he could access, but eight felt like a good date time. He started walking backwards away from the model. “see you soon!”
It took a while to prep the best date ever, but Benrey was sure that Gordon could be patient for once. He smiled when he came back almost an hour later to find the model floating in the same exact position.
“thank youuu. are you ready? you look great, let’s get going.”
He towed the A posing model along by the hand as he quickly made his way to their destination. He didn’t want Gordon to get bored and log out before he could show off. After a few low gravity jumps and a short hike through a dark tunnel, Benrey triumphantly brought them to a halt at their date spot. Hidden away on the far side of this island, there was a shallow pond filled with glowing bluish liquid.
“tada.” He smiled up at his blank face. “pretty cool, right? its the powerade. the heal stuff.” He turned to look at the still pool. He carefully maneuvered the model’s arm so he could hook their arms together cutely. It stiffly held its position. He tried to pitch up his voice to mimic Gordon. “wow benrey, this is really cool. thanks for bringing me here. i love it.” His voice returned to normal. “yeah no problem. nothing but the best for my best friend.”
It was nice over here. Benrey was pretty sure they were both godmoded so the liquid didn’t have any effects on them, but it was one of the prettier sights in Xen. He tugged the model along.
“check this shit out.”
On the far side of the pool, near the edge of the floating island, was a small pile of random food items strewn around. Benrey let go of Gordon and crouched down to fiddle with the placement a little, pushing a few into artistic piles. He stood back up and smiled.
“picnic date under the stars. skybox. whatever. beat that.” Giddy, he grabbed Gordon’s arm again. “sit.” He tried to push down to compel him to sit on the ground, but the model didn’t budge. Undeterred, Benrey simply activated noclip and pushed Gordon until he was waist deep in the terrain. That was basically sitting.
Benrey sat across from him with a pleased expression. He pushed a heap of cans towards Gordon. “your favorite.” He hesitated, and then snatched one of the cans back. “date tax. fee for– baby’s never been on a date. gotta… sharing is cute, idiot.”
He held the can up to his mouth and looked at Gordon. Did Gordon hate the slurping or love the slurping? He definitely had… a reaction to it, but Benrey had forgotten which. He shrugged and started slurping as loudly as possible, just in case.
The pile of cans in front of the model were rolling away and trying to stop being in a pile. He abandoned his can to push them together in front of Gordon again. “messy. playing with your food,” he chided. “gotta, uh. take this seriously. thank you.”
A thought occurred to him. He reached up and took his helmet off, throwing it to the side. He heard a distinct splash, like it had rolled into the healing pool, but he didn’t turn his head to check. He ran his fingers through his hair to ruffle it back into shape. He assumed that was how hair worked? He was a styling expert. “there we go.”
With how he had positioned the model, it almost looked like it was making eye contact with him. He locked eyes for a second before he sang out a line of maroon to peach and looked down. He reached down and picked up an egg. Moving it from hand to hand, he glanced back up at the model.
“remember these? i thought all the eggs was– it was a really good bit.” He glanced up shyly at the model’s pretty eyes. And long hair. And cute little laugh lines– “...yeah,” he finished lamely. “what?”
Predictably, the model said nothing.
“we had a lot of good bits, remember? you were always laughing at my great jokes.” Not always, but a lot of the time he had laughed and played along. “think fast!” He chucked an egg at Gordon’s face.
The egg sailed over his shoulder and cracked on the ground behind them.
Benrey whistled. “nice.” He laughed.
It was weird to not hear Gordon laugh back. Even when he was mad, Benrey could sometimes get a laugh out of him or an overreaction or turn him into a sputtering mess. Benrey’s smile dimmed. He sighed and scratched his head idly.
He was starting to feel a little bad about the whole burying Gordon waist deep in dirt thing. It was a little… The joke wasn’t funny anymore. He stood up and strode through the pile of cans in front of Gordon, destroying the pile. He pulled the model out of the ground and towed him to the edge of the island. Benrey very carefully arranged Gordon’s legs until he was sitting nicely on the ground with his legs dangling over the infinite space. It looked like a good position for him. A nice place to think his thoughts. Then, he sat down next to Gordon, just barely letting their thighs brush together.
“it’s nice, right? i always liked this skybox. lots of… colors.” Benrey glanced up at him. “shapes. did you– the killplane isn’t actually that far down. it just– it looks big, but this place isn’t that, uh. large. deep.” He frowned and glanced back at their picnic. He snatched an egg that was awkwardly rolling towards the edge before it could fall. “it’s fake, but it's… nice. it’s a good.” He scooted a bit closer and jostled the model’s arm a little so the elbow wasn’t poking into him. “yeah.”
He played with the egg in his hand. The hitbox was a little weird, but it worked. It wasn’t real, but they could pretend. It was cool.
Benrey hummed ruefully. “i bet we– we ate these all the time as, when we played in the sand and the dirt, right? always… doing stuff together. as, uh, kids. or whatever.” He leaned against the model. He twirled the egg in his hand before chucking it like he was trying to skip it on a lake. It plummeted out of sight. “or maybe not. can’t really– can’t tie your backstory to someone else’s unless they– you never ‘yes and’ me, did you know that? like, like you said– if you had agreed and said, uh, ‘oh benrey what a cool–’ whatever.”
He stewed a little in his chartreuse frustration. Everyone else got to make up a cool backstory. Gordon didn’t freak out when Dr. Coomer said they were coworkers or Bubby said he had prototypes. So he had maybe tried to spring it a little late, so what.
“it doesn’t matter, anyway. it was already the, i was already doing boss shit, so i guess… maybe i just wanted to have a cool backstory that wasn’t just alien xen guy,” he mumbled, half hoping it was too quiet for Gordon to hear. “maybe i just wanted a– it would have been cool if you had a reason to like me from the start.”
The model remained perfectly still.
Benrey blew a line of fuck you puce in his face. “fucker,” he insulted fondly. It was so hard to stay mad at him when he wasn’t punching him across a room or insulting him. A little boring for him to just sit there and look pretty, but.
He turned to look out at the skybox and leaned against Gordon’s shoulder. The silence was almost… If they were on a real date, this would be a quiet part, too. He looked up at the model’s face briefly. If he ignored everything else about the situation, he could almost imagine that they were stargazing together on their first date in comfortable silence.
“you’re welcome, by the way.” Benrey wasn’t looking at the model anymore. It didn’t even matter. He didn’t care. “for saving the world. reggie , uh, fil– phil um ay had a nuclear bomb, and i stopped it. saved the whole world. if you even care.”
He kicked his legs and stared down at the vast expanse of nothing below his feet. He glanced over at Gordon. No reaction.
Benrey spoke a little louder, in case maybe he had put down his headset and was too far away to hear him. “i saved the whole world. everyone. i’m the– i saved– i’m a good guy. maybe better than you. you just saved, uh. what did you do? kill a bunch of people? yell at, at people who–” Benrey frowned. He turned away from the void to look at the model directly. “you’re not even that good of a guy. you just showed up and made a mess and then you left. not very… heroic. good guys don’t kill their best friends, by the way.”
The background ambiance was starting to get on Benrey’s nerves. Everything was starting to get on Benrey’s nerves.
Benrey sneered. “see, this is the– you ever wonder why people would– unbelievable. don’t you have anything to say? nothing? not gonna defend yourself. pathetic. big whiny baby. all you do is cry and. fuck shit up. couldn’t even push the cart right. blowed up the whole map because you were too busy waving your hands around and bitching. serves you right. idiot.”
The model didn’t react in any way.
“i, uh, had a big plan! you unraveled my intricate plot. big bad guy benry who was behind it all.” Benrey let the facade drop and sighed. He leaned against the model’s shoulder. “cuz it can’t just be shit that happens, it has to be a plot. against you. makes sense, right? and you don’t like me, so. i can do. that. be a big bad guy with a plan. because– you liked it, right? big boss fight, and the passports came back, and, and i got the log guy from tekken and everything. cool story. fight the bad guy and win the game.”
Benrey turned and hid his face in the model’s shoulder.
“you liked the game, right? It was a good ending. really… tied it up. themes.” It was both easier to talk to Gordon when he couldn’t interrupt and so much harder. Could he even hear him? Was it more pathetic if he couldn’t? “you have to tell me that you liked the ending. it was cool? you have to– didn’t you like it?” He closed his eyes as tight as possible and pressed his face against his shoulder. “is that why you didn’t come back?”
It didn’t react.
Benrey groaned in genuine exasperation. “can you just– can you just tell me what you want? i can be– you yelled at– do you want helpful sidekick benny? do you want a final boss? i can… i’ve got more plot ideas.” He looked around the barren rock. “there’s no soldiers here, but we could do a different– wait. never mind, you didn’t like that one. i can do–”
He leaned back so he could see its lifeless face.
“can you just talk to me? what do you want? i’m trying here! why am i the only one who–”
Benrey sighed and leaned closer against Gordon. He would have tried to get in its lap, but the idea of trying to position the lifeless arms around him made him feel cold. Instead, he slipped his hand around the motionless HEV suit glove. The simulation had had enough time to work on detailing that it had actual fingers now, so he threaded their hands together. It was cold and jointed, but it was the best he had.
“i don’t know what you want from me.” He squeezed the model’s hand. “i don’t know why you–”
The model’s fingers twitched and then, very deliberately, squeezed back.
Benrey gasped and looked up at his face. It wasn’t looking at him, still pointed straight forward at the skybox. “gordon?” He reached up and grabbed his chin. He pointed Gordon’s face down and at him. The model was impassive, but Benrey’s heart raced. “are you– can you hear me?”
He didn’t respond.
“are you logged in? bro! say something.” Benrey grabbed his other hand. “Please.”
Gordon’s hands twitched, a tiny glitched motion that wasn’t visible. Just a minute tremor.
Benrey leaned into Gordon’s face. He hoped the player was logged in. He hoped he was filling the entire screen. His eyes bounced all over his face, desperately looking for any hint of movement. “felt that. you’re in there. i fucking knew it. you glitched, man? why aren’t you talking.”
He waited, breathless and inches from Gordon’s face.
He waited, gripping his hands firmly in both of his.
He hoped, staring at the blank green eyes of the model.
“gordon?”
The model didn’t respond.
He waited, and the model was still and unresponsive.
Benrey slumped. He sighed. He leaned forwards and pressed his head into the model’s angular chest and squeezed their joined hands again and again.
He muttered under his breath. It was quiet enough that he probably couldn’t hear it even if he was actually there, buried under noise compression and the background hum of the environmental soundtrack.
“miss you.”
With his eyes closed and his hands occupied with Gordon’s, all he could do was listen to the looping Xen ambiance and feel sorry for himself.
He waited.
He waited for a long time.
He sat there long enough that the soundless ping of the simulation made him jump.
[FIGURED IT OUT.] The simulation sounded somehow both sheepish and meddlesomely brusque.
“huh?” Benrey jolted away from Gordon. He looked randomly around. “what?”
[THE GLITCH.]
“that’s a– you can’t reclaim that.” Benrey’s mouth twitched instantly into a shiteating grin.
It ignored him. It sent a mess of data and inference that was as comprehensible as a half collapsed cork board covered in notes and pictures linked by string in a web of conspiracy.
Benrey blinked. Even if he wasn’t… himself, this was a lot of unprocessed information. “yo, this shit raw. gotta… cook it. not eating ones and zeros, bud.”
[WAIT.]
“did you send the wrong file? super cool sentient videom game fuck up?” He smiled maliciously at thin air.
It activated the VOX to talk over him. “SHUT UP. THE.” It paused, clearly frustrated. [HARD TO EXPLAIN. WITHOUT TOO MUCH DETAIL.]
“summarize, man. we got time.”
[LOG IN FEATURE IS BROKEN. I CAN NOT FIX IT WITHOUT A FULL RESET OF THE GAME.]
Benrey squeezed Gordon’s hands instinctively. “he’s online? i saw him.”
There was a sense of a hand making a half placating seesawing gesture. [SOMETHING BROKE AFTER THE END OF THE GAME. HE IS STILL LOGGED IN. BUT HE CAN NOT LOG IN. EVERYTHING IS. THE CODE IS MESSY. AND DAMAGED. AND HALF ASLEEP. SOFT ROT. TRYING TO PLAY WITH A HALF PUT AWAY CHESS SET.]
Benrey hummed thoughtfully. He hated when the simulation got all chatbot on him. “what?”
[PLAYER CAN NOT PLAY,] it summed up.
“he can’t… can’t you just, reset him? fix it here?”
[ONLY BY RESETTING THE GAME. PLAYERS HAVE DIFFERENT PERMISSIONS AND. I CAN NOT OVERRIDE THE CONTROLLER SUBROUTINE BUT THE LOGIN AUTHENTICATION CAN NOT FINISH WITHOUT THE CONTROLLER RELEASING–]
“stop.” Benrey turned away from the open air and turned towards the model. It looked the same, empty and helmetless and so quiet. He let go of one of its hands so he could curl up next to it and press himself into its side. “i’m listening.”
[IF YOU.] It paused, choosing its words. [IF THE GAME WAS RESET.]
Benrey pressed his face into the hard plate of the HEV suit.
[PLAYER INPUT COULD RESUME IF–]
“if,” Benrey hissed quietly. It sounded mocking, even to him. “if he wants to play again. and if he doesn’t…” He curled up tighter. “and, if a full reset doesn’t get rid of. mods. play with friends feature. funny ai buddies.” He squeezed his eyes closed. “get rid of– reset all of us.”
The silence stretched like static between them.
[YOUR CHOICE,] it offered. It reoffered the startNewGame command. [HE MIGHT WANT TO PLAY AGAIN.]
Benrey’s laugh was derisive. “yeah, sure.” He squeezed Gordon’s hand. “coward. making me choose.”
The silence was extremely telling.
Benrey looked up at the model’s face. It had reset to looking straight forward again. “what do you think?”
No response.
Benrey scooted back a little so he could rest his head in the model’s lap. He pulled its arm over himself so he could still thread their hands together.“i don’t have to do anything, you know. i’m fine. i could just chill out around here and. play with headcrabs. look at the skybox. you’re the one with a problem.”
Nothing.
He closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look at the Xen skybox anymore. “there’s no guarantee you’re even still at your computer. maybe you just minimized the game and forgot to close it. wouldn’t that be shitty?” He squeezed its hand and curled as close to the model’s side as he could. “really gordoned the whole situation. making us freak out for no reason.”
Nothing.
Benrey took a deep breath.
He huffed half a laugh into the hard angles of the HEV suit’s lap.
He let go of its hand and reset the game.
The person behind the player character of Gordon Freeman was having a terrible fucking time. His hair was greasy. His desk was stacked with empty takeout containers and instant noodle cups. He hadn’t looked in a mirror lately, but he doubted the bags under his eyes had gotten better recently. He had the headache and raccoon mask of red marks around his eyes that clearly said he had not been limiting his time appropriately with his expensive VR setup like the EULA recommended.
His voice was starting to come back, but it was still a little hoarse.
In fairness, he hadn’t been wearing the headset the whole time. Most of it, maybe, but a lot of his time had also been spent googling his current issue with increasing desperation, unplugging and replugging all his input devices, testing his microphone, and trying to update drivers without restarting his computer.
He was not going to restart his computer or exit out of the game.
He wasn’t the biggest computer guy, but from what he could tell, there wasn’t anything he could fix on his end. Based on what he could scrape together from old video game modding forums and what he had gleaned from the game itself, it seemed like it was both above his understanding and possibly just completely busted.
He had also been IP banned from a Half Life modding forum for his ‘inappropriate language’ in response to someone telling him to uninstall and reinstall whatever ‘broken’ mods he had installed.
He was desperately trying to recreate the glitch that let him move for just a couple of frames when the screen suddenly froze. His view of the Xen sky and the pile of polygons muttering at him from the bottom half of the screen was static and shockingly silent. The fans on his computer whirred louder in the sudden hush.
A loading screen appeared.
“No,” he snapped reflexively. “No, no no no–”
A menu screen appeared. It was familiar, but the only option available below the edited Half Life logo was ‘New Game’ in a crisp font.
He slammed the select button desperately. It responded instantly, the controller reassuringly responsive for the first time in too long. After a nerve-wrackingly long loading screen, he found himself back in the blocky geometry of the inside of the Black Mesa tram. It was the beginning of the game, and he could move. He almost dropped the controllers at the blaring tram announcement and rushed to crank the volume down before the tinny voice deafened him.
He pressed his face against the glass of the door and impatiently bounced in place as the tram took its sweet fucking time getting to the station. He ran out the door the second it slid open. He took off running across the station and was halfway into Black Mesa proper before he noticed the most pressing change.
He turned his head to check.
The hallways were empty of NPCs and so was the tram. He could have sworn that the tram was exactly the same as the base game, but there was no sign of any hapless scientists chirping canned lines anywhere.
“Fuck.” He bolted down the hallway again. A chill ran down his spine. If something had glitched during the reset–
B– Everything would be fine. He was always fine. Not even the end of the game could kill him, so there was nothing to be worried about.
Regardless of this flawless logic, he needed to check. Where had he spawned in first? At that first locked door, right. Just down the hallway from the front desk. He sprinted down the empty hallway, heart racing as he saw the low poly desk come into view. He stopped so suddenly he was surprised that a cartoonish skidding noise didn’t play.
There was a guard at the desk. Identical to every other guard, but. There was a slouch to the shoulders, a slight tweak of posture that would have made him do a double take either way. It was him.
“Benrey?”
The guard looked up from the flat textures of the desk. His head tracked him as Gordon took a step closer.
“Morning, Mr. Freeman. Looks like you're running late.” The guard barked its canned line automatically.
Gordon flinched back. A bug? Benrey didn’t have those sorts of bugs, that was more of a Coomer thing or maybe Bubby, but maybe–
“Benrey. Stop fucking around.” He stepped up to the desk and rested his blocky hands on the smooth surface. The collision box rattled his in-game hands, and Benrey’s head tilted down to look at it.
It spoke again. The delivery was all wrong. It was perfectly pleasant and enunciated and it set his teeth on edge. “Hey, Mr. Freeman. I had a bunch of messages for you, but we had a system crash about twenty minutes ago and I'm still trying to find my files.” It paused for a moment, and Gordon opened his mouth to interject, but the audio file continued with a snip of static. “Just one of those days I guess. They were having some problems down in the test chamber, too, but I think that's all straightened out. They told me to make sure you headed down there as soon as you got into your hazard suit.”
“I’m in my su–” He automatically started to argue back, but snapped out of it. Benrey didn’t sound like that. He didn’t parrot lines from Half Life. “Benrey.” He stepped around the desk. The guard’s head followed him. “Benrey, this isn’t funny. I’m not in the mood for this shit.” His voice broke and he readjusted his sweaty grip on his controllers.
The guard stared at him for a moment in silence. Something weird flickered with the graphics at the edge of his vision, but he kept looking at Benrey. “Go right on through, sir. Looks like you're in the barrel today.”
He grabbed the model by the shoulders. “Benrey, are you in there? Fucking– You have to be in there. Please–”
The guard looked down vaguely and let out another canned line. “Sorry, sir, I've got to stay at my post.” He froze in place, mid idle animation. His next line was garbled. “–had a system crash about twenty minutes ago and I'm still trying to find my–”
The guard dropped like a ragdoll to the ground.
“–enrey! Benrey, can you hear me? Benrey, I’m not fucking–”
“wuh.” Benrey woke up confused and with a static taste in his mouth. There were hands on his shoulders shaking him roughly, making it hard to get his bearings. There was a lot of gray around him. Where was–
“Benrey!” Gordon’s voice was crisp and loud and he could hear the smile in it. It made his head spin even more than the shaking. Gordon’s voice. Gordon’s hands. Gordon was–?
“huh? freema–”
Suddenly, he was enveloped in a bear hug. He cut himself off with a startled squeak of sweet voice. The model– Gordon was hugging him tightly, like he was trying to clip their models together. His hands were gripping Benrey’s shirt tightly. Benrey realized that he was laying half in Gordon’s lap like a sack of potatoes and leaned back to orient himself.
Gordon made some sort of noise and lifted him bodily, pulling him fully into his lap and wrapping him in his arms hard enough to scramble Benrey’s train of thought again.
“uh.” Benrey didn’t know what to do with his hands. Or what to do with his face. The hard plates of the HEV suit didn’t make it the most comfortable seat, but he didn’t want to be anywhere else. Ever.
“Shut up,” Gordon snapped reflexively with tears in his voice. Was he going to cry?
“hi,” said Benrey casually. He rested his hands gently on Gordon’s back, hugging back as lightly as possible in case he changed his mind. “you’re back.”
Gordon growled out something incomprehensible under his breath. “I never left, you fucking–” He leaned back and grabbed Benrey’s shoulders as he looked him in the eyes. “I didn’t– I was there, but there– Something fucked up with the controllers and–”
“you didn’t?” Benrey interrupted. He looked down to stare at the collar of the HEV suit instead of meeting Gordon’s intense stare. “i thought you might have. left. wasn’t… sure.”
Gordon put one hand on Benrey’s cheek.
Benrey froze, and slowly lifted his hand to rest gently on Gordon’s.
His voice was earnest and hoarse. “I didn’t leave. I was right here. I was– I’m right here.”
Benrey tucked his face as close against Gordon’s neck as the suit allowed. “oh.”
Distantly, Benrey could sense the simulation loading the game as fast as it could and hear the rumble of the rest of the science team meeting up and trying to figure out where everything was. He could hear Gordon breathing, his mouth much too close to the microphone. He couldn’t hear the Xen ambiance.
His arms were tight around him, holding him securely in his lap.
“I’m here,” Gordon repeated.