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Of course.
Of. Fucking. Course.
It just had to be the fifth kettle in Cephalon HQ.
It just had to be kettle number 26.
It just had to be fucking Paradise Lanes to, somehow, steal another zapfish and gain back power. Four was convinced the universe hated her.
Not only was it the agent's least favorite kettle, it was the worst kettle. Ever. Marie agrees. Say 'hi' Marie!
"Your anger amuses me."
Cod fucking dammit.
"Don't h-ehheh-do- don't you hiss at me!" Agent Four hasn't the faintest idea of what Marie is talking about. Four doesn't hiss at people. That would be rude and unbecoming of her.
"Uh-huh. Sure." Did she say that out loud???
"Anger."
"Pff-haawhahat??"
"ANGER. A. N. G. E. R. ANGER."
This sends Marie into a very rude laughing fit.
"As your girlfriend, I highly disapprove of you laughing at my suffering." Four says, as she is immediately smacked in the head with a stupid fucking BALL into the stupid fucking water below. This makes Marie laugh even more.
"You-you're really- really ha-having trouble there!"
"Your witty remarks don't help, Marie." Four practically growls.
Marie scoffs, "What if I was just completely silent? No helpful insight into the rules of the battlefield, no expertly crafted, tasteful puns, and no blatantly obvious tips that I've told you a thousand times already."
"That is infinitely worse."
"Then shush, my little agent, you're lucky it's only this kettle and not Octavio for the fourth time."
"I'd rather fight Octavio 80 more times than spend half an hour trying and failing to clear this kettle." Four hops down and practically throws an octarian soldier down into the water.
"You sure about that?"
"Deathly." The Agent bobs and weaves between octoballers, up and over spinning platforms. Her ink tank felt heavy on her back, her hero suit clung to her sweat and enemy ink.
"I'm so gonna take a shower after this." She felt disgusting.
"Oooo~ Can I join?" Marie asks in a teasing tone.
Four immediately imagines standing in the bathroom, the sound of running water filling her mind as Marie pinned her against the wall of the-
"Ahsbsjhshso- Don't distract me on the field!" Her face felt like it was on fire.
"I've always wondered what you use to make you smell so strongly of blueberries…"
"And you never will if you distract me and I fucking die out here."
Marie pauses for a moment.
"Fair. What will you do after the shower?"
Four thinks. Shes got some leftover cookies and cream ice cream in the cabin freezer, hmmm…
She smirks, "Eat ice cream and make out with you on the couch."
It was Marie's turn to make incomprehensible sounds that can only be described as key smash. Four giggled to herself as she just barely dodge-rolled past a kingpin octoballer.
"Its the stupid moving platform part-" Four had stopped to catch her breath.
"Which one?"
"The- the platforms that have the spinny things that I have to shoot to move the things-"
"Very descriptive." Marie snarked. "Have you tried: getting good?"
"Very helpful, thank you Marie."
"You're welcome, my little agent~" the idol replied in a sultry voice. Four immediately felt heat rush to her face and many, many gay thoughts appear at the forefront of her mind.
"Marie-"
"Yess~?"
"Stooopp-"
"No."
Four scoffed. "Fine. You're not invited to that shower I was talking about."
Marie seemed to have paused for a moment, allowing Four a moment to finally throw a bomb at the zapfish module and garb the zapfish. She held the little guy up in triumph.
"Counterpoint: couple's shower." Fuck, that is a good counterpoint.
The agent puts on her best interpretation of a fancy voice: "You have me intrigued by this proposition. But unfortunately, I will require further convincing."
"Uh-" Marie began, but she was immediately cut off by Callie's voice.
"Bathtime cuddles instead! Ow- Marie-! AAUGH-" This was followed by the sound of a slamming door.
"Ahem," Marie cleared her voice, "Bathtime cuddles."
"Do you have bath bombs?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
Hmm. On one hand, going through with this would be sacrificing Agent Four's pride and possibly open up to more bribes of this kind in the future. But. On the other hand: gay.
"I agree to your terms. But next time, you're clearing this coddamn kettle." Four said as tucking a newly acquired zapfish snugly into the hood of her jacket.
"You drive a hard bargain Four, but it's one I'm willing to make."
"It's a deal then." Four set out back to the cabin, the horrid kettle faded in her mind, overtaken by thoughts of a lovely shower with her girlfriend.