Chapter Text
Live
That’s what Ava had asked of her. To live her life.
It seemed like such a simple task, in theory, but Beatrice knew it wasn't going to be that easy.
She’s never really had the chance to live a life for herself.
Still, she’s kept her word - her promise to Ava. She left the OCS, which is not something she regrets because that place held too much pain to stay. She feels bad, knowing the work ahead of them all to rebuild and Lillith’s warning of an impending holy war makes her feel like she’s running away sometimes.
But she knows, deep down, that they’ll be fine without her. They’ve survived losses before. Shannon and Mary…
Ava.
They’ll move forward without her too.
The only real question Beatrice has left to answer now is if she can move forward on her own.
So she takes a chunk of her trust fund, long stowed away and forgotten - meant for college or a wedding that would never happen - and decides to travel.
Beatrice knows so much about the world - but has only seen it through the guise of vows.
To travel without a mission, without a cause or a concern, was foreign to her. It’s freeing in a way, but she’s quite certain she has very little idea of what to do with all this free time.
That’s how she finds herself at a cafe near the river in Budapest.
She sips her tea and watches the boats pass over the river - it’s beautiful. This whole city is captivating and it encompasses everything Beatrice wanted to do with her travels. The kinds of wonders and cultures she wanted to experience.
So what if it doesn’t quiet the emptiness inside of her? The loneliness screams as loudly as ever despite being surrounded by people.
All of them are strangers. None of them are family.
None of them are her.
That’s not living, Beatrice. That’s grieving. You’re not grieving.
She’s not. She’s promised herself that she wouldn't grieve for Ava. She’s not dead. You don’t grieve for someone who could come back - who will come back.
Beatrice clings to that, she has for the last month. If Ava has a chance to come back to her, she believes she will. So she won’t grieve for her.
Thankfully, Beatrice’s wildly dissolving thoughts are broken through by the chime of her cell phone. She’s so terrible with these - she never used them in the church and even in her two month isolation with Ava in Switzerland, she would often forget to take it to work or leave it at work or not charge it and let the battery die.
Ava would tease her about it constantly.
She’s been better now, if only because it’s how she talks to her family.
Camila: How’s Hungary? I’d tell you how things are going here, but I’ve literally spent all day overseeing the repairs in the living quarters and it’s only by God’s grace that I haven’t strangled someone =)
Beatrice grins and takes another sip of her tea before typing out a response. She wishes she was better at explaining her thoughts, her feelings on what she’s seen. But the truth is there always feels like she has too much to say. Too many details she wants to include and thoughts she wants to explore.
So her answers generally come back fairly tame.
Beatrice: It’s lovely. The weather is very nice today and my absurdly expensive lunch will be here in a few minutes.
Even as she sends the message, she’s mentally scolding herself for bringing up the weather. It’s such a mundane topic - irrelevant to the question or the curiosity that Camila has in her life. The problem is that Beatrice doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know how to do this. To live her life for herself.
She’s here in Budapest, with enough money to do whatever she pleases and yet this adventure to the coffee shop is all she has planned.
Touristy things don’t really interest her. She has no desire to ride a ferry along the Danube or venture into one of their caves on an exploration tour.
The sad thing is, all of this adventure and travel she wanted had only really occurred to her when she was with Ava. Because Ava had this way about her to pull Beatrice out of her shell. So her vision of these trips across the world were of Ava and her endless desire to see the world - pulling Beatrice along with her every step of the way.
“ Waiting for someone? ” A voice calls to her in Hungarian. Beatrice knows a lot of languages, though Hungarian is not her best, it still gets her attention.
She sees a woman standing behind the chair on the other side of the table she’s sitting at. Soft, red hair and bright blue eyes, she has a soft smile and a pair of red sunglasses in her hand. She’s very pretty, so naturally Beatrice’s guard draws up a bit. Pretty girls don’t usually approach her out of nowhere.
Except that one in Switzerland, and Ava she supposes - but there were circumstances.
She would love to not think about Ava for five seconds. “Uh, I’m -” she clears her throat - remembering the language spoken to her. “ No, I couldn’t find a table for one. ” She adds a lightness to her tone, but the truth is she kinda hates how paired off everyone is around her.
Really drives home the fact that she’s traveling the world alone.
“English?” The woman asks, her perfectly manicured fingers draping across the back of the chair.”
Beatrice nods. “Yes.” She’s grateful, her Hungarian is not good enough to carry on a long conversastion.
The woman’s smile brightens. “Good, my English has become rusty the last few years.” She tilts her head to the side a bit, perfectly shiny hair falling across her shoulders. “You looked lonely here. I was lonely over there,” she gestures across the cafe. “Thought we could solve each other’s problems for a meal, at least.”
This is the part where Beatrice is supposed to say something, but her voice fails her. She can't help but wonder how deeply she must have been frowning for a woman across the cafe to notice.
“If you’ve interest in being alone, that is okay.” The way she says it, Beatrice knows rejection wouldn't bother this girl a bit. She’s clearly not anxious about approaching strangers - taking risks.
Living her life.
Beatrice wonders what Ava might think of this. What she would want. She knows it’s silly to keep thinking about her, but it’s clear Ava isn’t going to escape her mind any time soon. So she lets the thought develop. Ava told her to live, so why not make a friend - even if just for one lunch in a foreign country.
“I wouldn't mind the company,” she finally offers, with a small smile and a nod to the chair. That’s all the invitation the woman needs as she slides the chair out and takes a seat. “Don’t you need to tell the waiter to bring your meal here?”
This earns Beatrice a grin. “I already did, I took a risk.”
It’s a bit forthright and Beatrice has to stop herself from telling this woman outright. She’s been on edge more than she’d like during her travels. It’s hard for her not to be - she’s spent so much of the last decade of her life fighting and running and being undercover.
So she allows herself to relax. This is nothing more than a meal with a stranger. “I don’t even know your name.” Beatrice offers, noticing the woman across from her relaxing as well.
“Kati,” she says, extending her hand.
“Beatrice.”
They share two shakes and a smile. “Good to meet you, Beatrice.
“Nice to meet you as well.”
Kati’s grin widens. “You’ve got a lovely accent. London?”
“Around there, yes,” she's not sure why she stays so vague. She hasn’t been back there in so long and she has no intention of returning. The details don't seem worth it. “But I’ve been away for some time.”
As their food comes, Beatrice notices Kati’s choice of a stew of some kind, with cabbage and potatoes, a far cry from Beatrice’s stuffed peppers and lángos. The size of their dishes alone is a bit jarring, but Beatrice’s body has always needed fuel for the endless work she puts it through. Even if she’s no longer a part of the OCS, daily training and exercise will forever be a part of her life.
Plus there is a war coming whether she is involved or not, if the world begins to end around her she will be fighting until her last breath.
“Traveling?” Kati asks, and it would be so easy to say yes. To lie and pretend she’s just a rich girl who wanders the world - perhaps that is what she’s pretending to be now - but that’s not who she is.
“No, I was a part of the church.”
Kati’s eyes go wide, spoon full of stew frozen in front of her lips. “The church?”
“The Catholic church, yes.” Beatrice can't stop herself from grinning a little. “I was a sister. A nun.”
“Oh wow, I - I did not know that was something you could be.” When Beatrice’s brow goes up, Kati rolls her eyes and laughs. “I mean, I did not know it was something you could stop being. I thought it was a lifelong commitment.”
“For some,” Beatrice answers after finishing a bite of her food. It’s absolutely delightful and she’s a bit upset that she's welcomed company because it is minimizing her time to eat. “It is not a prison, though. You are permitted to leave after a time or…barring circumstances.”
“Is that why you left? Circumstance or…” Kati lets the question linger, asking like it’s so casual - as casual as Beatrice brought up the weather with Camila.
This girl, who is kind and only seeking company, has no idea how loaded of a question that is
However, she must sense something because Beatrice struggles for some time to answer.
“I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped, I did not -”
“No, you’re fine. It…it was circumstance.” That feels like such an understatement. Yet, Kati nods and Beatrice is almost certain she would be happy to let the topic end there, but when Beatrice closes her eyes, she’s met with the memory of a warm smile and the feeling of Ava lying in her lap, slowly dying - it tears at the wall she’s put up to protect herself. “I fell in love.”
Just saying it makes the lump in her chest drop. It hurts because Ava should be here. She should be the one sitting across from her, talking about what they're going to do today and trying to get Beatrice to try her overly sweet dessert that she’s ordered as a meal for some reason. Then she would drag Beatrice to the boats to travel the river and make up names for all the things they see.
It’s so easy to get lost in the what ifs when it comes to Ava.
“Oh,” Kati’s voice surprises her, Beatrice had almost forgotten she wasn't alone. “So my endeavor to woo you was for nothing?” She has a soft smile as she says it.
Beatrice can't stop her jaw from falling open. “You…were…flirting with me?”
“Do you think I randomly walk up to strangers and ask to eat with them?”
“I’m not sure,” Beatrice shrugs, glad that Kati doesn’t seem upset but still trying to wrap her head around the idea that this woman came up to her with such intentions. “We do not have a great deal of flirt training in the church.”
Kati’s grin doubles. “Seems like you did alright for yourself anyway. So where is your special someone?”
There was never a question more loaded than that one. “She’s gone,” Beatrice says, suddenly feeling dizzy as the words slip out of her mouth.
“Beatrice,” Kati’s voice is too soft, too comforting. “I - I’m sorry…”
“She’ll come back,” Beatrice can't stop the frustration in her voice. “I’m just waiting for her to come back.” Suddenly Kati looks entirely uncomfortable, her fork discarded and her eyes tentatively on Beatrice. “I apologize,” Beatrice offers, her appetite suddenly gone. “It’s a sensitive subject for me, but you didn’t know that so it’s fine.”
Kati shakes her head. “I should be the one apologizing. I press too hard, my mother has always told me this. I should go back to my table - leave you be.”
“No, please stay. I could use some company. Tell me about yourself.”
Thankfully, Beatrice hasn’t ruined this moment entirely. Kati stays, she talks about herself - something about real estate - Beatrice isn’t entirely sure. She only half pays attention, but it’s something. It’s an hour of her life not spent alone and even if her mind is now stuck on Ava - she feels like she’s living just a little.
Keeping her promise.
------------------------------
The next month is a blur of travel.
She spends four days on a boat. It’s chaotic and lively, with shows below deck every night and five star food served each day. It’s luxurious and she feels so very out of place - but Beatrice allows herself to indulge.
It’s a rule she’s set for herself. She can hear Ava’s voice in her head each time, telling her enjoy herself. It’s something Ava would do back home (she wonders if she’ll ever stop thinking of Switzerland as home) - of course then it was getting extra pepperoni on her pizza or taking a sip of Ava’s beer.
Still, Beatrice imagines it would be more of the same if Ava were here telling her to order the crab legs and that fancy chocolate dessert.
It’s lonely, of course, so much so that there are times Beatrice feels completely foolish for the money she’s spending and the things she’s seeing - all of them alone. She takes pictures, dozens and dozens and sends them to Camila (who adores each one) and Lillith (who hasn’t responded and may not even have her old phone anymore), even asking them to show Mother Superion. As phone use is limited in the church, Camila responds when she can.
But it’s enough to make her feel not so alone on this journey.
After the cruise, she spends a full week on a beach so warm and beautiful that it feels almost unfair to the rest of the world. They are lazy days where she tries to sleep in and fails, but finds herself near the water earlier enough that she has large amounts of sand and shallow tide to enjoy in peace.
Beatrice knows Ava would love this. Ava has told her that she went to the beach the first night she had the halo - had gotten her life back.
It was something Beatrice always wanted to experience with her. To take her into the water and teach her to swim.
She did that, in another life, back in Switzerland. Only that was in a local pool with kids all playing on the other side.
At the time, everything was so new to her that Beatrice didn’t fully appreciate just how wonderful their isolation was. She was too busy trying to train Ava, trying to adjust to a life working at a bar and not having to be so rigid with her schedule.
When they were first sent there, Beatrice worried her crush might get the better of her. That she might slip up and say something she shouldn’t. Or that her jealousy - which reared it’s ugly head a bit more than she liked, would give off the wrong impression and drive Ava away.
It didn’t, it never did Ava never seemed to disapprove of her in any way. If anything, Ava had a way of making Beatrice feel special that no one else in the world ever had.
Those two months in Switzerland changed her life, and her idea of the future. It was the dinners and the walks home from work and the late nights where neither of them could sleep and they’d lay awake talking for hours - that was when she fell in love with Ava Silva.
When the beach becomes too quiet and she needs a change of pace, Beatrice remembers Ava’s constant mentions of pizza and how she wanted to try every famous pizza imaginable.
Beatrice tried the pizza in Naples, but according to Ava, New York was better.
That didn’t really seem possible given its origin in Italy, but apparently there were four turtles who said New York pizza was best.
So that’s where she went next - a few days delay in customs later, she found herself in the United States’ most crowded city - a far cry from the beach she’d been in only a week ago.
She’s more tired than usual during her stay, but doesn’t let that stop her from picking up her workouts again. She intends to stay a bit longer here, long enough to rent out a motel for three weeks.
The pizza is good, the bagels are better and Beatrice finds herself enjoying the city more than she expects. It’s crowded, but in a way that makes her feel less alone. Everyone feels a little anonymous around her and that’s a comfort.
There’s plenty to see and do. She takes in a few movies and even a show on Broadway (that blew both the movies she saw out of the water). Then spends her nights taking wine tastings and having lovely conversations with a young aspiring actor who is living out of the hotel room down the hall from her.
It’s all so different from what her life was just six months ago - just two months ago. Running and fighting, trying to stop Adriel and worrying about demons and watching people she loved leave her one way or another.
The weight of that only ever hits her when she’s back in her hotel room. She tries, oh how she tries to stay distracted. Long bubble baths and late nights watching bad sitcoms - anything to keep her mind occupied.
Then she turns the lights out every night and wrestles with her heart.
She sees Ava in the dark. Sees her when she closes her eyes. She swears, sometimes, she hears her whispering I love you right before she drifts off.
In her dreams, she always says it back in time. Every single time she relives that moment, she says it back and Ava smiles at her - hears her.
It’s late at night in her hotel room where that feeling of doubt hits her. That she’s a fraud, a liar, pretending to be something she’s not. Pretending she’s enjoying this empty journey across the world. It’s life, it’s living and it’s all she can think to do, but she so hardly feels alive sometimes.
Yes, she’s enjoyed things everywhere she’s been, but she’s so alone. She feels it constantly - it takes the joy from the things she sees. She isn’t living, she’s moving. She’s racing as fast and as far as she can in hope that one morning she’ll wake up and have a life.
But how can she when her mind is still so filled with Ava? How can she move on - move forward.
All we can do is move forward .
She hears it in her own voice, but has no idea how to do it now. It was so simple before - with the structure of the OCS and her family at her back. Then Ava Silva came into her life and shattered everything in the most beautiful and chaotic way.
Ava’s presence in her world destroyed everything Beatrice ever knew. Then she put those pieces back together with flicks of gold - making it more beautiful than ever.
It’s her thirteenth day in New York City when the feeling overwhelms her. Like the pull of a moth to a flame, Beatrice longs for Switzerland. For that small apartment they shared and that little bar they’d spend their days in.
One dream is all it takes. A missed chance. Saying yes that day Ava asked her to run away when things seemed destined to end in pain.
She wonders a lot what might have been if she had. She knows deep down it would have ended the world - Ava was the only one with the chance to stop Adriel - they made the right choice. But what if she had said yes?
What if they had run and spent the last few months of the world's existence as they knew it in blissful oblivion?
She knows that it won’t be the same without Ava there, but she misses their bed and the path she’d take her morning run on. She could never get Ava up to go with her, but on nights when they didn’t have to work late, they would walk it and see the lights in the sky.
There’s no reason to believe going back there would make her feel better. In fact, she’s avoided it out of fear that it would be too painful.
But on the thirteenth day in New York, she checks out of her hotel and buys a plane ticket.
---------------------------
Beatrice doesn’t get their old apartment back, but she does manage to get her old job.
Hans was surprisingly thrilled to see her. She had always assumed he didn’t really like her, given how quickly she took the place over despite working there for such a short time. Her time management skills (and prickliness according to Ava) were not something she expected to matter so much, but apparently the bar had become a little disjointed after their abrupt exit.
The bar owner, Olivier, asked her four times if she was truly committed to this place. She promised she was, he seemed to take it to heart that it was only her this time. He asked only once where Ava was.
She only offered him a simple ‘away right now’ and hoped her tone conveyed how much she wished not to talk about it.
The apartment Beatrice gets is about the same size as the one she shared with Ava. It’s ully furnished and close to work. After putting in her down payment, she decides to leave her trust fund alone. The fact that her parents haven’t put a stop to her spending yet just proves how little they pay attention to anything related to her.
She really was the biggest disappointment of their lives.
It’s taken her a long time to not only accept that that wasn't her fault, but understand the feeling goes both ways.
When she gets her first paycheck from the bar, she decides that she’ll never think of them again. She won’t spend their money or dwell on their hate - or the way their treatment of her has affected every choice she’s made for the last twenty-five years.
How her fear of what she felt for Ava held onto her like a vice grip all the way to the end. Stopping her from telling Ava that she loved her in time before Ava fell away from her.
Beatrice still isn’t sure why she’s here. That first night she takes a walk on their old path home and catches herself staring at all the things Ava used to enjoy. It hurts so much that she’s crying before she makes it back home. She lays in her bed, feeling so empty and alone that it is almost overwhelming.
But when she wakes up in the morning, the sun still rises. It’s bright and beautiful glow passing through the shutters on her bedroom window is enough to scare off her demons. She fights through the desire to stay in bed forever and makes it to work.
She’s going to live. For Ava, for herself, for what they had and what she continues to pray for every night as she falls asleep.
If Ava comes back, when she does, Beatrice will be here. Doing her best.
With faith in her heart that Ava will know where to find her.