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Levi vaguely considered his options whenever they decided to travel, just in case he lost control. If they traveled on a ferry he would have the opportunity to distract the others with something and jump over the rail to throw himself into the sea. If they flew, Levi would be able to use the little strength he possessed to open the emergency hatch and throw himself into the sea. 

No matter how they were transported, both options ended in the same thing: the ocean. He knows how to swim, he has learned over time thanks to those endless therapy sessions to improve the mobility of his leg. But he wouldn't much mind drowning in the huge, endless salt lake.

Blue, blue, blue.

Erwin's eyes were like the sea. 

That was a lie. The sea was the color of Erwin's eyes. The ocean had tried to imitate him, to replace him. It was a cheap copy, an almost identical copy. The only difference was the life Erwin's blue eyes injected into Levi. 

Inject . 

Who was the one Levi didn't inject? Erwin. He didn't inject him with the serum, Levi didn't want to, and Erwin has been dead for a long time for that.  He knows he's having a panic attack. Everything was too vivid, the sunlight too bright. He could feel it in the way his chest felt too tight. The weight of the ODM gear hung heavy on his hips. He is on the rooftop watching Erwin take his final breaths.

His last breaths. His life is slipping away, he is dying and despair and anguish fill Levi, his throat begins to close, he begins to see white and he feels like he can't breathe.

"Levi, are you okay?" He hears someone in the distance. He doesn't recognize the voice, and he doesn't want to. It doesn't matter. In a matter of seconds Erwin will die, his heart will soon stop beating.

"He can't–, I can't let him die." Levi murmurs in whispers quickly. His palms begin to sweat and his mouth goes dry.

Erwin can't die but if he leaves him alive he will suffer, he will still be the demon everyone talks about. His blue eyes will lose their sparkle, his heart will wither. What can Levi do?

Someone takes his hand. Levi slaps it away.

" Levi ," They repeat again, taking him by his shoulder firmly. "Breathe, you're fine."

Fine . 

Obviously nothing can be fine when the light of Levi's life, his heart, his reason for existence, his Commander, Erwin is about to leave him.

In order to breathe, he puts his hand on the base of his neck violently tearing off his white cravat but the oval shape and hard, crystalline texture baffle him.

"Breathe in and out, Levi. Please." Falco orders him with assurance pouring from his voice.

Falco. What is he doing there? The previous anguish is replaced by a subdued puzzlement. Suddenly the roof of the house in Shiganshina vanishes beneath Levi's feet and all that remains is a jumble of memories in a black void. 

"Who are you, Levi?" Falco asks him firmly. Levi tries to regulate his breathing by following the sound of his voice and at all costs focuses his gaze on the boy. 

He frowns at the sight of him. He is not greeted by the sight of a chubby-cheeked teenage boy, nor the strangely combined childlike features at the point where one is neither a child nor an adult. Instead, in front of him is a young man with messy blond hair with sharper features watching him intently with hazel eyes. It is Falco, of course. His noble look gives him away. 

But Levi can't remember when he grew up so much. What's more, at what point did he meet him?

"Levi," Falco repeats to him with a soft insistence "Breathe, ok? C' mon, tell me, who are you?" His hand pulls back from Levi's shoulder to give his wrist a squeeze.

Levi swallows. He inhales and exhales a couple of times, as he feels a cut being made to his chest to let all the memories flow out like the raging current of a river.

"I'm Levi Ackerman," He says defeated. Each time he says it is a reminder of how much his lineage weighs on him. For so long he was ‘ Just Levi’ that to this day he still can't get used to his last name. A worthless surname now, because the mythical strength his blood gave him no longer exists. His last name is worthless. "I'm forty-eight." He mutters, snapping back to reality, realizing that what he ripped from his neck in his attempt to catch his breath was Erwin's bolo tie. Frustration bubbles up inside him because he wanted to wear this necklace the entire trip.

"And you're forty-nine this year, old man," Gabi approaches from the cockpit shyly and insecurely. Levi knows she's always been scared of his panic attacks. "Don't worry, I'll fix it later at the hotel." She says pointing her chin at the bolo tie.

Falco smiles slightly. "And you're with...?" He leaves the sentence hanging in the air for Levi to finish.

Levi sighs and stares at Falco's hand over his. He sees the ring on his finger. Every time he looks at it Levi wants to smile foolishly at Gabi and Falco's impending wedding.

"I'm with you, Falco. Also with Gabi and Onyankopon. We're in Onyan's plane." Specifically in the man's newly finished and brand new small private plane. 

Falco nods. "Right. And we're going to...?"

Levi bites his lower lip hard. His breath catches briefly. He feels the floor of the plane sink beneath him and above him hundreds of memories rise.

"To the island." Levi replies in a breathy whisper.

Falco looks at him patiently. "Yes. To the place where you were born, Levi."

Levi nods suppressing a groan. He wants to punch or destroy something. His stomach twists with anxiety. 

Oh, fuck. Why? Why is he going back to that shitty place? Worst of all, it was Levi who decided to go back. It was him who thought that after thirteen years he was over it all. 

Thirteen, fifteen, twenty, fifty years will never be enough to make him forget, to feel nothing in front of the past. 

"Are you sure about this?" Onyankopon, Gabi, Falco, Armin, Historia, Karina, his therapists, even himself had asked him that question dozens of times.

"Bullshit." Levi rolled his eyes at all of them. If he had his other healthy eye, he was sure his fierce look would have scared them. "I told you, I want to go back." He insistently claimed. 

He felt ready, he supposed. His mind was better and so was his body. It was something he'd had on his mind ever since they'd stopped the Rumbling, despite everyone he knew doubted him. 

Levi admits that those doubts, those worried looks they gave him, helped a lot in making his decision. It was something he wanted to do to annoy everyone, to show them how wrong they were. Something of that rebellious, impetuous soldier who pissed off all his superiors still lived on in him. Well, not all his superiors. Erwin was the exception. If Levi threw sharp, biting remarks towards Erwin, it was only because he wanted to later be fucked roughly against the desk between wet kisses and violent movements while drooling on the shiny mahogany. 

"Sit down please," Onyankopon cheerfully warns from the cockpit. "We're landing now guys." 

Levi can't believe the certainty he felt at his home in Marley declaring to everyone that he was going to set foot on the island again. 

The island. 

It's pathetic, isn't it? He doesn't even like to think about the name of the place because...he just can't. It's just too much. 

Paradis, for fuck's sake. Levi had the wonderful idea to return to Paradis. 

The plane begins to slowly descend, reducing its speed. Levi feels that fear will burn him. He has already been in the middle of the fire; in the middle of the embers of passion gushing from his belly and under flames that burned his body and face. This one he is feeling now threatens to reduce him to ashes.

Bile rises in his throat when they finally land. He hears nothing, it is as if his mind has blocked out all existing sound because now he is there . He is in the cursed land where demons were sent to purge their sins by slaughtering their own people. 

Levi forces himself to look at Falco and Gabi, who stand up while Onyankopon shuts down the engines of his plane.

He is in a kind of trance when they both put down what little luggage they are carrying and Onyankopon takes out his wheelchair. 

One, two, three, fourfivesixsixteesseveneight–

Falco helps him down. Levi considers clinging to the modern walls of the plane with his battered fingers. Some are crooked from past fights in the Underground and others poorly cared. Supposedly the hot steam from the titans' blood and the cool summer breeze didn't get along.

"Easy, Levi." Falco mumbles, intertwining his arms. 

He forces himself to breathe, to think clearly. He looks pleadingly at Gabi and she only replies with a calm look that terribly disguises her worry. He wants to cling to her light blue dress and beg her to please get the hell out of there this instant. However, they can't.

"Brats, do you love me?" Levi asked them nonchalantly a few weeks ago.

Gabi was busy making figures out of cookie dough in the kitchen while Falco was writing in his botany journal. Hearing this they both looked at each other in surprise. Levi was repulsed by how pathetically cute their timing was. 

"Why do you ask, huh? Are you going to give us something if we say yes?" Gabi scratched her cheek, smearing dough on her skin. 

"Do you love me or not?" Levi insisted. 

They had spent almost fifteen years together. It was easy to answer, wasn't it?

They turned to look at each other and then declared a confident: "Yes."

Levi nodded. "Then whatever happens, even if I beg you to get me off the island when we go, don't listen to me. Send me the fuck away. Pretend I'm a crazy old man."

There was a short silence in which Levi thought they had both accepted his verdict. It wasn't complicated, he simply asked them to ignore his pleas if he threw a tantrum on his home turf.

But Gabi blinked in disbelief. "Are you kidding?" 

Levi wrinkled his nose. "What?"

Gabi snorted, rolling her eyes. "Don't talk nonsense, Levi. I'm just saying agh-," She put her hands on her hips drumming her fingers nervously. "It's just - what if you get really bad? I don't want anything to happen to you. No matter what arrangements you've made with Historia, we could go back. We don't have to go. That 's all fine. It's all right. No one is forcing you, you don't have to go back..."

" Gabriella ," If Levi was calling her by name and with that begging tone it was something to be taken seriously. " Please . I know it's... risky. But just please don't listen to me while we're out there no matter what." 

Just as it was hard for Levi to deny things to them, it was the same for Gabi to deny him. 

Gabi looked at him with sad eyes and then sighed defeatedly, nodding slowly as she pretended to calmly go back to her own thing. 

Levi that day thought that whatever happened when they got to Paradis, that would be Levi's future problem anyway. 

Unfortunately, that Levi was already his present, and he strongly cursed the Levi who disobeyed Gabi like a spoiled child.

He walks next to Falco, his legs feeling like jelly. Despite the hours spent to improve his mobility with therapy, they still feel like they could break at any moment. 

With a knot in his chest, he continues to breathe through his mouth as he steps out of the plane and into the warm sunlight. 

The runway is the view that welcomes him, he blinks to adjust to the light. 

Falco patiently sits him in his wheelchair while Gabi stands beside him with the little luggage belonging to all four of them. Levi keeps his teeth clenched watching his surroundings all but empty except for them and a few soldiers, clinging with what weak strength he has to the arms of the custom chair Onyankopon built for him a few years ago. 

Onyankopon stands a few feet ahead, showing some papers to the soldiers with weapons sheathed in his uniform hideously decorated with the most horrible emblem he's ever seen.

Levi's eyes are irritated. He hears from his place the word 'Eldian' and grimaces in irritation. He would prefer ‘Paradisian’ in that case. He usually misses the times when there were no races; when everyone was simply human , the last remnants of humanity that the destruction of the titans left alive. Times where his people were everyone and not just a few. When the only fucking difference between people was money and the luxuries they kept in their pretentious homes. 

It was no life. They didn't have a shred of freedom living cloistered in stone walls so high they could kill dreams, but at least he had Erwin by his side. Erwin was alive then.

Levi looks for Gabi and Falco beside him so their presence can comfort him. Falco is behind him, ready to move his wheelchair as he holds Gabi's hand. She is to his right holding some suitcases, staring at the floor with a frown. Her wide-brimmed hat covers her face and Levi really considers how dangerous it was to bring her back.

Falco was not wanted by the Jaeguerists because he belonged to Marley's old army. But there were like more than ten reasons why they didn't want Gabi in Paradis. Levi really hopes her hat and grown-up face let her look unnoticed.

On an afternoon planning the trip, Onyankopon looked at him intently, leaning toward him. "We're not going to be able to take the two of them. They hardly want to accept you. I won't be able to go, they prohibited me. And you think Gabi and Falco —who were former Marley warriors—, are going to be welcomed?"

Levi clicked his tongue, flinching violently as he listened to Onyankopon trying to talk some sense into him.

Levi had been begged for years by the old recruits of the 104th and Historia to go to Paradis for events and conferences of the stupidest kind. So when Levi agreed to return on his own for a visit —he remarked dozens of times that he didn't want anything political involved when he went— Historia was quick to make arrangements for his trip. Unfortunately in the letter that arrived that day, she said Levi wouldn't be able to take Gabi and Falco back to Paradis. 

Levi drummed his fingers furiously on the table. "Good." 

" Good ?" The other man looked at him incredulously.

"Yeah. Well, screw it then," Levi staggered getting to his feet. "I'm not goin' any fuckin' place without my family. I want the three of you with me, no matter how shitty the place is." That sounded very selfish but, and what if it was? Under no circumstances Levi would be denied the presence of the most important people in his life right now.

He remembers Onyankopon's eyes and mouth opening wide in surprise at the appellation by which he called them three. During those days they were more cloying than usual, which meant that Gabi and Falco found out that Levi considered them his family.

He doesn't know what Historia must have done to get them to accept both children on that short trip to bring Levi's family to the place where his family, friends, comrades and lover died. 

The only condition Historia gave them was that they were to remain as discreet as possible, even though few members of the Paradis military were already aware of their presence.

Levi now admits that he didn't consider at the time that Falco and Gabi had their own history on the island as well. They also lost friends here.

"Come closer guys!" Onyankopon yells, running towards them and helps Gabi carry their belongings. Finally, Falco pushes his wheelchair, stopping briefly in front of the officers who extend travel papers to them. 

The soldiers make an annoyed gesture that Levi gladly reciprocates.

"Welcome to the nation of Eldia." 

Eldia . The hell with it, for Levi it will always be called Paradis. 

Levi rips the papers from their hands, after a polite 'Thank you' out of Falco's mouth as he pushes back his chair.

Levi is no longer strong, but he could shred the absurd travel papers his fists crumple with momentum. The sweat on his palms moistens them and perhaps that causes the inky letters to warp.

Paradis , then the whole world. 

Paradis , his homeland.

Paradis , his former home.

Paradis , the cradle and grave of many he cared for.

Cradle and grave of Erwin, who could never leave here.

The walls are gone, but Erwin will remain cloistered on this small island forever. Where all his dreams and hopes too big for this small piece of land were unjustly taken away from him.

Levi balls up the papers without realizing it. He hopes they won't need them anymore and that there won't be a problem with that. 

He sighs heavily, rubbing his eyes roughly with his left hand.

Oh, Levi , he thinks. Why did you come back?

***

"Besides the sea," Levi said, not looking away from the yellowing pages of Erwin's thick books. "What other things are there beyond these walls?"

Erwin looked up from some expedition reports that had kept him awake during those days. His frown dissipated and he cocked his head curiously, causing a few strands of his pomade-less hair to fall tenderly to his forehead.

Levi held back the urge to rise in the direction of the desk to run his fingers through the blond's hair to arrange and stroke it. 

"Why do you ask?" Erwin set the quill down at his side, leaning his arms on the desk with his shirt sleeves rolled up.

"Almost everyone talks about the sea." Levi disdainfully pointed to the books next to him on the plush couch in Erwin's office. "Is there a problem if I want to know which other damn thing is why I risk my life on every expedition?"

Erwin chuckled, rising from his chair to sit next to him. Back then, —when the bond of trust between Erwin and Levi was just barely being forged with incredible speed— Levi recalled that he continually had to force himself to focus his eyes on something other than Erwin's bare arms with rippling veins and muscles.

"For me it's an excellent reason why I risk my life. It' s said that the sea covers more than half of the world's surface. There are many legends about the animals that live there. Its vastness and mystery is what creates its greatness." 

"So what?" Levi scoffed. " It sounds overrated. As immense as it is, I don't care now that I've read the word 'sea' many times," Levi couldn't even read well. That's why Erwin lent him his father's books so he could practice and also be amazed by the wonders of the world. The pages surely didn't mention the sea so numerous times and Levi wasn't in a very good mood to read slowly through each paragraph in order to understand everything. This was all because he wanted Erwin to talk to him about more , to both see the vanilla-scented pages while he explained everything with the twinkle in his eyes making everything more incredible. 

Levi wanted to feel Erwin next to him. He wanted him to leave his fucking desk (which he managed to do) and for wonders to come out of his mouth far from the walls. 

They had only known each other for a few months when Erwin lent him his books, his most precious childhood treasures. Knowledge forbidden to all but not to Levi. That was one of the greatest displays of trust he had ever seen. So what did it matter if he sat next to him that night? Him handling them a little more wasn't going to hurt them.

"Let's see," Erwin picked up a book and flipped through it slowly as he muttered to himself things like 'Volcanoes you won't like much. Neither would the savanna.' Levi took that short time to admire it through his eyelashes. 

"You're going to like this," Erwin snapped him out of his reverie and placed the book on his thighs so Levi could admire the image of mountains and ripples above them. "The Aurora Borealis."

"What is it?" Levi wrinkled his nose without seeing much shape to the drawing.

Levi thinks he remembers Erwin chuckling again, settling better in the armchair. He said that in the northern part of the world, aurora borealis were colorful streaks of light in the sky that rippled mystically above them. They were said to be the souls of the dead ascending to heaven. Or, the heavy, dazzling armor of ancient warrior women —Onyankopon told him long ago that they were called Valkyries. 

Erwin also gave a more logical and sensible explanation brimming with science to which Levi did not pay much attention because he liked the fantasy behind the phenomenon better.

"When we're done with this, I'd like to see one," Erwin said.

When we're done with this. 

With the titans and death, that's what he meant. Levi nodded that night, because he knew it was one of those times when the dreams were big and bright enough to dwarf the reality that loomed outside the office. 

"Wouldn't be bad," Levi shrugged.

Erwin lifted his eyes from the pages glaring at him "Would you like to come with me?"

Levi clicked his tongue so as not to respond so quickly, to not look so anxious.

"I'll have a lot of free time when the fuckin' titans are gone," Levi crossed his legs nonchalantly. "So yeah, I guess I'll go with you." 

"That sounds perfect." Erwin sighed satisfied and content.

Maybe Levi's memories are exaggerating because back then Erwin and he hadn't known each other long and it was impossible for them to already have absolute trust in each other. Maybe it was just as he remembered it, because it was easy to fall prone at Erwin's feet just as it was extremely easy for Levi to get Erwin on his knees. 

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Levi." Erwin was muttering against his chest after a disastrous expedition, crumpling his shirt as he clung to Levi's body trying not to fizzle out in the throes of defeat. When Levi was holding Erwin's humanity.

That sounded like they both had each other at their mercy, didn't it?

Either way, that night was one of the first times Levi and Erwin dreamed and imagined a world being just them. 

Not Captain and Commander. Just them, in a free world where they would leave their footprints while they lived properly. Just as they deserved. 

Just as they wanted.

But this world has never been theirs. And it would never be bound to their dreams and whims.

There was never going to be a happy ending. They were never meant to have a normal life, a domestic life, the life Levi longed for, where they could love and cherish each other well and freely at last.

Levi looks through the train window with a frown, admiring with obvious disdain the gradually changing scenery as the train speeds along the tracks.

He steadfastly refused to take one that had stops because he didn't want to go through Shinganshina —at least not yet. So they have been hours on the train that was taking them from Paradis airport to Mitras. 

"Falco! Take a picture of that," Onyankopon points to a pasture overflowing with sheep leaning forward.

"Give me a second." Falco replies quietly holding up the camera, turning around in the train seat to photograph the landscape. The camera is Levi's, but he honestly didn't feel like taking pictures right now, making him leave the task to Falco to photograph his trip to Paradis.

The camera was a Christmas present. He could say birthday too, but the three of them retorted that it deserved two or more presents because it was a doubly special day. At first he hated the gift because he didn't know much about technology. It only took a long explanation from Onyankopon for Levi to learn how to use the innovative device and from that day on he took at least five pictures daily: of Gabi, Falco, Onyankopon, of the sky, of what he ate that day, of his two pets —Canela his dog and his newly adopted cat that they had not named yet. Pretty silly stuff basically of which he already has four thick albums.

Ever since Levi learned of the existence of pictures, he has strongly longed to have some of Erwin and his other friends (but especially Erwin). Even more so now that the memories of his face are vague enough to cause Levi's breath to catch in anguish. And though he remembered him perfectly, his fragmented memory would never do justice to the real Erwin. 

He constantly thinks he could have photos of him sitting at his desk, or watching the horizon, from the ramparts with those beautiful blue eyes that were the sea. An unsuspecting picture of him smiling radiantly or asleep which was when he looked younger. Levi has been photographed a few times without him noticing and in several he looks pretty bad. Erwin would never look like Levi did in those photographs. He was Erwin, perfect in every way. 

"Look at this sweetheart!" He imagines Erwin would say, looking at the pictures in some album, sitting on the couch at home. "When we barely had gray hair." 

Levi would walk over from wherever he was and peek over Erwin's shoulder. He would analyze the image for a couple of seconds before frowning. "I dunno what you're complaining about. You don't have them showing through your hair, Blondie." 

Erwin would laugh, adjusting his glasses and kiss Levi on the cheek. Afterwards, Levi would take a seat next to him, resting his head on the softness of Erwin's chest and they would look at each photo as nostalgia came to them. 

Those were Levi's dreams, clearly. Because Erwin and he would never complain about gray hair. To have silver hair was a gift, it was to prove that they had won against the odds in their shitty world where generally adolescence was the most anyone could ever live. 

There are no photos of Erwin, only numerous portraits that he has commissioned over time and cherishes deeply. There are a few hanging on various walls in his house, but in his room there are dozens. Some hung, some framed and pasted in notebooks. His favorite paintings he has reserved for his room are the ones where Erwin is just Erwin: laughing happily framing his dimples, slouching in his leather chair with the sunset outlining his body, lying in a sunny meadow with flowers in his hair and a look of desire in the middle of warm nights. 

They would never look like the original Erwin, and yet Levi's heart leaps in love every time he looks at one of those pictures. He feels safer having the memory of his Commander's image in something solid. He doesn't feel that he will slip even more the memory of his beloved if he has those portraits by his side. 

Levi purses his lips trying to chase away the stinging in his eyes. He watches through blurry vision as Gabi snatches the camera from Falco and snapping a picture. 

"Hey! Gabi, I was just going to do it I–,"

She interrupts him and crosses her arms, "You were going to do it when we were already going to get to Mitras." 

Falco makes a very childish angry grimace and she smiles.. 

"Listen to me, Falco. After all," She pauses, leaning closer to him " I'm your fiancée."

Falco blushes heavily and Gabi leans on his shoulder laughing. She scoffs at the blush on his cheeks as if she hadn't stumbled into Levi's room on the verge of fainting when Falco asked her out for their first date.

Levi leans into Onyankopon's shoulder, as he silently watches the young couple in front of him.

They have grown too big. Something throbs inside him every time he thinks of the annoying brats who stuck to him in his tent while his wounds were being treated. The little kids who wouldn't shut their mouths and tried to put their endless energy into something, which at the time was helping him in any way they could. Levi once questioned them as to why they stayed by his side and they were silent for a few moments.

"We had nothing to do." Gabi broke the silence shuffling the colored cards. "The Alliance, I mean your–, more like our only known ones, went away to do their own thing. We weren't assigned anything because 'we were too young." And they still were. They were barely fifteen on that occasion that Levi asked them. "We knew you and we saw you alone." 

Alone and wounded. Almost dead . Levi had thought.

"Did you feel sorry for me?" Levi asked with his voice exuding disgust. He'd never tolerated the pity of anyone, not even if he was in his bones starving to death. That the relationship with those children who were already in his heart was on that basis was horrifying.

"No." Falco replied quizzically, frowning, reaching out to take the cards Gabi handed him."Why would you say that?"

Gabi snorted. "Don't make a big deal out of it. It was a camp with thousands of people where we had no idea who was who. Nobody wanted our help for anything and you were there all alone. We wanted you company and that's it."

After the answer he received, Levi felt relieved. Seconds later, he threatened both boys that he would hit them over the head with his cane if they cheated at the card game by pretending they no longer had one when there were twenty shoved up their asses.

It had been wonderful watching them grow up. Levi is... proud, in a way. One could say that after a decade by his side, it was the closest thing to having children. He is grateful that the duo had the foolish idea to join him in the tents of the refugee camp.

They are his family. Just as Farlan and Isabel came to be. 

Levi's stomach twists. Gabi and Falco are older than Isabel was then. In two years they'll be Farlan's age. Soon they’ll surpass even that, they both getting older. Fuck , if he put together the ages at which Isabel and Farlan died they wouldn't even add up to Levi's forty-eight years. 

It's a tragic and horrible thought that causes Levi's heart to stop for a few seconds. But it's also something that fills his chest with a relief he knew he shouldn't feel. And yet, there it is. The strange calm that at least Gabi and Falco will live . No one will give them back the childhood and loved ones they've lost, but they were granted the chance to continue their lives just in time.

Levi has tried to honor them both. Enjoying the sunshine and cool breezes they dreamed of together, giving love and affection to every animal he can and telling stories about them to Onyankopon, Falco and Gabi. There are even times when Levi is lost in his memories and inadvertently calls Falco by the name Farlan. He doesn't like calling the boy by the name of his friend who died almost twenty years ago, but damn , there are too many similarities in their looks and mannerisms. It's not from his grace to admit it, but Levi sometimes takes Falco's face as a reference to remember Farlan.

Fortunately for Levi, his thoughts are interrupted by the muffled laughter of Falco and Gabi, who look around to see if their little scandal hasn't bothered anyone yet.

"They really are soul mates, don't you think?" Onyankopon whispers to Levi.

He nods in response.

"And how nice," Levi folds his arms trying to give himself warmth. Damn air conditioning. He used to be able to take any temperature like it was nothing. A cold day now hurt in every bone for days and the blistering heat leaves him as dry as a fucking raisin. 

"It's a good thing they're right for each other. Because I can't imagine anyone else putting up with her snatches." He says to Onyankopon pointing his head in Gabi’s direction.

Catching that something was said about her, Gabi leans towards them.

"Onyan, what is he sayin’ about me?" 

"Nothing bad, don't worry Gabi."

"It's just that I should worry because you never know anything with Levi."

"Leave Onyankopon alone," Levi replies. "I told him it was a miracle you took a bath. You don't do it at home, but to come out you usually show off."

Falco chuckles, while Gabi makes an indignant noise. "That's not true! I shower every day. Besides, imagine if I didn't, Levi, our cleaning princess, will suffocate in less than three days."

Onyankopon smiles agreeing with Gabi. Falco laughs at her funny (as it always tends to happen) and Levi grimaces in disgust.

It sounds like one of their typical conversations at their Marley's house or those talks they have when they've gone on vacation and join Onyankopon on his business trips. It's domestic and familiar. Comforting. 

Levi feels more at ease being with the presence of the three of them. He doesn't know how he would be having a hard time if they weren't by his side. Good thing he refused to come to Paradis alone.

The affection and comfort they have for each other in their strange family continually reminds Levi that there are a few things that motivate him to keep going. Few, but they are there and they are enough.

***

During their stay on the island they will stay in a hotel east of Sina. Well, Stohess actually, because Sina no longer exists. The walls are gone, Levi has to remind  himself several times. The inns Levi remembered in the district are now fancy hotels with neon-lit signs that glow even in broad daylight.

Stohess still retains much of the architecture Levi knew for so many years, though on every block a tinge of modernity can be discerned; women no longer wear long, pompous dresses and there are too many stores with only black and white colors trying to adapt to the fashions of the world. At least the falseness and hypocrisy of the rich pigs has not changed.

On the drive over, Levi tried not to recall in which building Nifa's brains had been blown out or on which walls his ODM hooked up in the chase to retrieve Eren and Historia. He tried but he remembered everything —wish he had that same good memory for remembering faces.

Occasionally, they passed uniformed officers with their army's logo and Levi was heartily grateful that nowhere to be seen anything with the Wings of Freedom. it was quite a relief to know that they haven't commercialized and sold them with a completely opposite meaning — it was enough with the 'Devote your heart' already. 

After settling into the hotel, Levi had to go and visit Historia. That was one of her conditions: 'The moment you arrive, I want you to come and visit. Mikasa will be with me.' Not that Levi was in a position to refuse when this trip was made possible by many of her arrangements.

Historia's house is in the countryside; a rather nice wooden building, painted in pastel yellow with a white roof. Levi had only gotten to see it once during the queen's pregnancy and didn't remember it much until he saw it now. 

With the car they rented, Gabi, Falco, and Onyankopon accompanied him only to drop him off at the house, because it was one of the things Levi wanted to do alone. While Levi was with the 'queen', they would go to the acclaimed restaurant in Mitras of Niccolo where they would meet with Sasha's family. 

It wasn't that they were going to talk about topics Levi didn't want his family to hear about; it was just that having the three of them in the same room as Mikasa and Historia didn't sit right with him. He knew his mind would fragment and he wouldn't decide who to be: the strongest soldier in humanity and Commander Erwin's war dog or Levi Ackerman, the man who listened intently to Onyankopon as they drank tea on the porch or the one who helped Gabi and Falco with schoolwork they didn't understand.

Even if that man no longer existed, he didn't want to be Captain Levi in front of them. 

Levi approaches the door after he was sure Onyankopon and the children were no longer around. With a sigh, he knocks on the door and waits patiently.

The door opens a few seconds later, Historia appearing cautious on the other side.

Levi watches her huge blue eyes sparkle as she realizes who was standing in front of her door.

"Levi!" She says and her smile wide. She opens the door fully and walks over to him. He knows she is hesitating to hug him or not, but in the end Historia gives in and quickly pulls him into her arms. 

When Levi helped her build the orphanage, a certain bond of friendship was born between them. They became very close, to the point of knowing about the existence of the girl who would become Historia's eternal lover: Ymir. Even though years had passed from that —because after recovering the Wall Maria they still saw each other, but not as often as before since Levi's depression and mourning didn't help him to relate to people —it was comforting to know that Historia still considered him something of a friend. 

"I'm so glad to see you," She breaks away from his embrace and looks him over from head to toe affectionately. 

He nods, holding back his excitement at all costs because if Levi considers himself anything, it's that he's very sentimental about seeing as adults those children he got to fight side by side with years ago. 

"Hmph, you've grown up." Levi says, not exactly knowing how to say hello. He doesn't know how to make this not so emotional but not so dry either. He never was and never would be someone polite. Oh , he remembered the times Erwin would play with him threatening him to be a good boy to the nobles or later in his chambers Levi would get a well deserved punishment. Well, maybe that's why he didn't like being polite or having good manners with people. 

Historia laughs and pulls Levi out of his musings of his past nights of rough sex. "Let's just say yes. But you're no slouch yourself."

She invites him in by offering her arm so Levi will lean on her and be eased into walking. For a few seconds, Levi feels his chest constrict from needing that kind of ridiculous help. Years ago it was he who offered his arm for the queen to walk among her subjects. 

Levi takes advantage of this little tour to stretch his legs while he observes the warm rooms of Historia's house. She shows him the entire downstairs which consists of a modern kitchen, a dining room with four chairs, a backyard bordered with a wooden fence, the living room and a bathroom. On the other hand, the upstairs consists of three bedrooms with a small bathroom each. In one of the rooms Historia's daughter is lying on her bed. 

"Ymir," She says to her, "I want to show you someone." 

'Princess' Ymir slowly turns from her place and with a bored expression stands up and curtly greets Levi as her mother glares at her. 

"Behave, Ymir." Historia hisses under her breath. 

Her daughter rolls her eyes and lies back down on her bed. "Yes mom." 

Historia sighs defeatedly and looks with a huge apology at Levi. "Sorry, lately she's been like that with everyone–," 

Levi interrupts her with a hand gesture downplaying the issue. "Don't worry, I know they're at that age. You shouldn't worry." 

The blonde gives him a tiny smile and patiently leads him back downstairs. Levi almost trips on a step with his cane when he sees who is watching him at the bottom of the stairs. 

Mikasa watches him with that usual serious expression as they slowly descend each step. Levi doesn't know why he is so surprised to see her when he already knew she would be there. Mikasa helps him down the last two steps by holding his arm and lowering his cane. 

“Hi Captain." 

She greets him as she usually does in her letters. Her hair is clutched in a long ponytail and she is dressed in a yellow above-the-knee skirt and a white blouse. Levi hardly notices the red scarf hanging harmoniously around her neck.

"Hey brat," Levi responds not knowing what to say (again) because unlike Historia with Mikasa he feels like there are no words to say. He can't think of anything. His mind is blank, automatically blocking out any topic of conversation. Over the years, Levi has wanted to relate in some way (other than letters) to Mikasa, but has never known how . Maybe it's because they're too much alike or because two people forever hurt don't know what they could talk about without bringing up the past.

All three sit in the dining room, in the closest chairs to each other so they can chat. Historia and Mikasa serve tea and several chocolate chip cookies. The ease with which Mikasa moves around the house going back and forth gives Levi an idea of how much closer Historia and Mikasa have become during this time. 

Fleetingly Levi is thankful that their meeting was in their rustic and comfortable home and not in the palace. If that had been the case, he would have remembered the parties where he and Erwin conveniently disappeared when no one was paying attention to them anymore.

Levi sees them out of the corner of his eye as Historia complains about a pest in the backyard when he realizes something and internally scoffs: Historia, Mikasa and he have lost the loves of their lives. It's a reunion of widowers practically. A pretend queen and two former soldiers who lack strength. 

Ruined widowers with a torn chest that will mourn for eternity.

"Mikasa, tell Levi what have you been up to." Historia says excitedly, leaning her arms on the table. 

Levi looks questioningly at his relative.

"I'm a teacher," Mikasa says while eating a cookie. 

Levi frowns. "You?" He asks in surprise since none of the letters they had sent each other over the years mentioned that. It could be because in part their messages only included information from the other members of the 104th and nothing personal from them. She didn't want Mikasa to feel bad or angry with the typical 'are you okay?' questions.

"Me." She states. Levi can see a trace of mocking laughter on her lips. "Not a lot of time has passed since then. I helped Historia one day with the kids at the orphanage. I just liked being there and that's it. It's nice to spend the day with them."

It may seem like a simple story with no backstory, however, Levi can read between the lines that she needed to do something on this shitty island that Mikasa refuses to leave. She had to find another purpose no matter how minimal so she wouldn't be dragged down by the past.

"And you, Captain?" Levi tenses at the name. He's not strong anymore, he's a wimpy old man whose bones ache from the cold. Why does Mikasa call him that? Is it a way to get closer to the past? Or does she just like to tease him? Wouldn't that last one make sense because Mikasa and he were the strongest for the same reason. "What have you done with your life in Marley?"

Crying every day to my lost love as my memories fade in my head. Fighting to live each day in honor of my Commander.

Levi clears his throat still making the thought go away. He's done that quite a few times (cry and suffer), yes, but it's not the only thing.

"I–, uh, I–," Levi hesitates. "I have a small tea shop. Gabi and Falco help me run it. I don't open every day but it's usually full." Although they probably already knew that. The other guys in 104th had probably told them about the shop of the wounded and sad Captain Levi because they visited it a couple of times.

"That sounds really nice," Historia’s smile and her eyes are now escorted by tiny wrinkles, "What's it like? Does it have a name?"

"Tsk, no. It doesn't have any name other than 'Tea shop'. Onyankopon usually brings back different tea leaves from his travels. That's what makes it different from other stores."

"Someday we must go there, no?" Historia jokes with Mikasa who nods quickly. "Sounds like a nice place." 

Obviously it is nice. In fact Levi is in love with the rustic, vintage decor (Gabi has called it that but Levi doesn't understand what that word refers to). 

He loves his tea store, but there's something heartbreaking about having it that makes Levi feel the bile rise in his throat. That was always a childish dream even though it wasn't something he longed for and wanted with all his soul, what he wanted most in the world was to have Erwin alive, not a business that he used to use as an escape to avoid the main answer when he was asked about the future. 

As well as talking about his shop, Levi hesitates whether or not to tell them about something else because it embarrasses him in a way, but he does it anyway, because at the end of the day it's also something he's proud of. 

"I also recently got in college." He says without taking his eyes off the wood of the table. There is a hint of shyness in his tone.

After a few seconds of thunderous silence, Mikasa speaks. "Really?" She asks in amazement. "Congratulations then."

Levi nods as Historia seconds her congratulations with words of encouragement.

"What are you studying?" Mikasa rests her arms on the table.

Levi clears his throat. "Math."

Four years after the war ended, when they settled in Marley and the world was trying to move on, Gabi and Falco were not required to go to school. The Marley government gave them both a monthly allowance as a reward for screwing up their childhood so they were not obligated to work or study. Clearly that didn't matter a damn to Levi, who eventually got sick of seeing both kids by his side every day of the week. 

"We like being with you!" Gabi yelled at him one morning. "Why so insistent that we go to school? Onyankopon likes us to be here!" 

"Yes, but right now, do you see Onyankopon anywhere? As far as I know he is on a trip. Besides this is my house too and if you are gonna be under my roof at least you''ll do what I tell you to do." He said firmly crossing his arms. 

Gabi stifled annoyed complaints thanks to Falco's calm words about that they shouldn't worry and that there was nothing wrong with trying once to shut Levi's mouth. Later that day, Levi heard from his room Gabi's anguished retorts. 

"Falco, I don't want to go." She murmured to him from her room that Onyankopon personalized for her. "I don't know how you look so at peace." 

"I'm scared too, Gabi. But I think it would do us good, you know? Not for nothing Reiner, your aunt, Onyan and Levi have been so insistent on us." 

"Yes, yes, it will do us good, they've already said so. It's just that... For God's sake, Falco. What makes you think we'll... fit in ? That they'll accept us. We don't know anything beyond that little room in the Warriors' barracks." 

There it was. That was the reason Levi to send them to school.

Gabi and Falco were practically children and didn't live with anyone their own age. Their families were too much in the past for the kids to want to stay with them. Reiner and Pieck were not around. Onyankopon was more youthful but was usually away. Which meant that the only solid and daily presence they had was Levi. And he was a grown man with great sorrows creeping sonorously and somehow felt like he sucked the youth out of them.

And for the world he didn't want them to miss out on the chance to be normal students at last. Without worrying much more than passing their exams and not falling asleep in class. Without walls to enclose them, limiting their knowledge that could be as great as the concept of freedom. 

So at Levi's (obligatory) invitation, they went to school. When they returned, Falco couldn't deny that he liked the environment and as the days went by it was obvious that Gabi's pouting when she came back was feigned. Then, they started going to school; sometimes they missed it since they had their bad days where the past aggressively caressed their heads, but their presence at school was persistent. More often than not, both kids asked for Levi's help with their homework. Most of these involved numbers. 

"Can you add mentally with three digits?!" A surprised Falco exclaimed one afternoon.

"No," Levi shrugged, outlining the rim of his cup. "I can add, subtract, multiply and divide with three figures. Mentally, just to clarify." Every once in a while it was good to show off. 

It was the first time he'd ever heard Falco curse.

Since they wanted to include him in anything they did, one day the kids ended up taking him to their school to get a feel for the place. It was strange. Levi had never been to a school before (Erwin's nightly lessons in reading didn't count) and the simple atmosphere was so foreign and endearing at the same time. On his simple visit he stayed for three classes with Falco and Gabi. Returning home and days later, the rough feeling of the bench and the beautifully crowded blackboard of operations never left him.

Onyankopon noticed that and expounded his thoughts. "You should enroll, you know? You'll be accepted right away to college." 

Levi scoffed. "Me? Why should I?" 

Could I do it? Do I even deserve it?  

I only know how to kill, fight and survive. I've killed for more than one life, I can't fight anymore and I don't need to survive anymore. He thought to himself, since he didn't know how to do anything. 

Onyankopon laughed. "You are better than many of my peers. And you don't have any formal education, Levi. You should do it, you'd do wonders with that knowledge. Plus, it would help you grow as a person. There's nothing stopping you."

Levi grunted in mock pretending he hadn't thought that for the last seventy-two hours. "I'd be an old man around so many brats. When I finish I'll be about, what? Forty-six years old?"

Onyankopon sipped his coffee with a shrug. "So? Whether you do or not you're going to be anyway. It wouldn't hurt to add something different to these next four years, don't you think?"

He didn't have adolescence. He lost almost all of those innocent stages of his life in being able to continue to live and kill and he would continue to lose more if he continued to think about the limitations of his past. If he didn't let go of thoughts of his inability and inferiority for everything, he would never achieve anything ever again. Onyankopon and the children supported him, the only one who put up barriers was himself out of fear. 

Levi felt he didn't deserve the chance. After all, he was not the one who wanted to learn more about the world. That was for others, for worthy people. Not for a vile rat survivor of the Underground. Later, however, he reflected on it and realized that he was alive and should take advantage of it. To take generously whatever was put in front of him. Live for those dreams that belonged to so many of his dead friends. 

Like so many times before, Levi had to be brave and thanks to that he was able to enroll to study Mathematics; a science where he had a natural born agility —not for nothing he knew how to use the ODM so well—. And losing his fear he gradually enrolled to learn several languages (he wanted to know where his mother's melodious whispers came from and German and French were very much like what he remembered of her) and strangely he joined a literature club. 

"What are ya reading for this week?" Gabi asked interestedly, leaning over to look at the cover of the book as Levi read on the couch. " The Iliad ? Wow, that's funny, Onyankopon says you are similar to one of the characters."

"Who?" Levi frowned.

"Achilles," Falco replied sitting in the dining room. "The one who goes mad with revenge for wanting to kill the one who murdered his lover. I think his name is Patroclus–?"

"Falco, shut up," Gabi interrupted him with a murderous look. "Levi barely started the book."

Falco opened his eyes wide in fright, turning to Levi.

"Really? Hell, I didn't know that, sorry–,"

"You're going without dessert for three days, Falco." Levi declared, closing the cover of the book tightly.

In the end Levi did finish reading it and honestly liked it. It left him thinking for quite a while about violently dragging Zeke's corpse through the dirt wouldn't have given him any satisfaction.

"When you graduate don't forget to tell us please." Historia enunciates as she watches him fondly.

Levi clicks his tongue. "I'll try not to forget."

Historia is about to open her mouth again when her daughter's call upstairs interrupts her.

"Give me a minute," She apologizes with a tiny smile, standing up from the chair.

Levi watches her until she disappears up the stairs and for the first time in years feels truly sorry for Historia. 

He clearly remembers the relief of having Historia with the crown on her head; the night of her coronation was one of those nights to remember. Erwin and him made love with such passion, they simply couldn't get enough of each other that day. His groin still vibrates with warmth and arousal at the memory. 

For him and the corps to have her as their queen was a miracle, a step closer to freedom. But for Historia becoming monarch of the walls ruined her. 

He knows about her past because she told him about it years ago and now he thinks it was totally unfair to her that when she had finally accepted her history and nature with all and flaws, when she started to live with pride, when she started to be Historia and not Krista, her whole future was decided by others. Literally she was back to where her sad story began all thanks to the crown.

"Captain," Mikasa calls out to him, pulling him out of his musings about the blonde. He looks at her and just by the lack of sparkle in her eyes, Levi knows that now that they are alone she'll say what they have both been avoiding saying to each other for years for fear of hurting each other even more. "Why did you come back?"

Mikasa, always so blunt and direct. He doesn't forget the time she threw him out on his ear with the others about having dinner with Erwin after every expedition.

Levi folds his arms. "Why are you still on the island?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"Nor you mine."

The corners of Mikasa's lips stretch subtly. "I didn't remember you being so stubborn."

Levi arches an eyebrow leaning back in his chair. "Look who's talking." Sadly they were always so alike, which is exactly why Levi thinks it's the reason they've never been able to get along so well.

Noble and miraculous knights, effective executioners, unjustified fugitives and unfair victims because a bound by love. For Levi, that was being an Ackerman. People permanently tied to their other half, connected by a bond stronger than their very strength. What a blessed curse it was.

He often wondered who Kenny's special person was (if he ever had one). Maybe Kuchel's person was her only son. 

Mikasa watches him and Levi quickly wonders if she always had such a stare. He feels like she's baring his soul to know e it's was as broken as hers.

He sighs defeatedly with a downcast look rubbing his temples avoiding being abrupt in his touch. "I... I came to–, I mean–," Levi nervously passes saliva. This is the first time he will say it out loud stating the reason why he came back to the island. Admitting it hurts. "I came to visit."

Mikasa falls into a deadly silence. He curses her mentally because he knows she wants it to come out of her mouth.

"I came to see him." Levi declares in a whisper. "Erwin."

Seconds pass in a deafening silence in which Levi can hear the screams of his ghosts. 

"You didn't answer my question," Levi mutters. 

Mikasa sighs wearily, slouching slightly. "I've been gone several times. With Armin and the others, I've accompanied them. But in the end, I always come back here. It's like I can't leave." She says quietly. Levi knows it's not that she can't, she just doesn't want to leave Paradis, not at all. Everything she knows is here in this place. "But...I think–, I mean… I've moved on. I feel good. I could say I feel happy." 

Levi's eyes widen in surprise. "Really?" 

She nods slowly. "At first it was...horrible, you know? I couldn't feel my days and most of them were spent lying down or sleeping. I didn't even feel alive," Levi understands completely. He didn't know if it was worse the mourning or the immense, devastating emptiness after finishing with the Rumbling. "But suddenly one day I completely broke down. I cried for what seemed like weeks," Mikasa laughs dryly. "And I don't know how but the next morning I felt like doing something, anything. I started knitting, fishing, and exercising again. As I told you, I often go with Armin and the others on their trips. Most of my days are spent here, with Historia. I like being with her."

Mikasa gently scratches the wood of the table, and takes a deep breath. 

"There's a mutual understanding," She says, "We both lost someone important and here on the island, she's the only one who understands. We know there is no way to take this pain away, but we learned to live with it." 

Levi wants to hug her. 

"I don't know how I did it, Captain. But I moved on. It was in my own way, but I did."

Despite the brevity of her story, Levi can't refute her. She looks calm and peaceful. That's all Levi needs to know that she hasn't given up, that contrary to everything that has happened to her, Mikasa is still standing. 

She is young and has the world open for many possibilities even though much of the time she remains in Paradis. Mikasa accepted her reality, her new life. Levi couldn't be prouder. 

However, (although he is no one to judge the problems of others) Levi believes there is a reason why Mikasa was able to make peace with her demons. 

Because there is a difference between Mikasa and him. 

She decided to kill Eren to save the world. 

On the other hand, Levi... he made the chose to 'kill' Erwin to doom the world. 

"I'm happy for you," Levi says, and dares to reach for her hand. He squeezes it gently, and she holds on to him tightly.  That could be the beginning (finally) of affectionate displays between them. 

Maybe they both never know what to talk about when it's just Mikasa and Levi, but perhaps that's because besides being similar there are no words that are enough to describe the familiar condemnation, the innate devotion and above all the heaviness in their hearts. 

Mikasa tucks her other hand under the scarf, tenderly caressing the fabric that covers her chin. In the past he constantly questioned how often that grimy piece of cloth was washed. 

"Levi," Her voice sounds so young that for a moment who is in front of Levi is the brat who after Shiganshina brought him tea in the lonely afternoons. "Will it ever stop hurting… Do you think we'll ever stop missing them?"

The birds trilling from the courtyard and the distant voice of Historia is all that is heard. How was it possible that the world continue to move without Erwin in it? 

To be an Ackerman is to be a loyal slave to unconditional love. It is a raw, savage, uneasy pain that consumes you. 

Levi inhales the air in the room that exudes sadness. "No Mikasa. They' ll never stop being missed. "

***

Shiganshina hasn't changed much. 

If Levi squints, he could tell it's identical to the way he knew the town so many years ago; the winding streets, the reddish roofs, the dozens of little houses lined up one on top of the other. The place retains its old and rural feel and he doesn't know how to feel about it. 

The day before, after spending much of the day in company with Historia and Mikasa, his family had come to pick him up and on the way back. Onyankopon told him about the museum in the capital. 

"Mr. Braus said it was very nice. Nice and sad," Onyankopon said through the loud sound of the wind as the car windows were down. It was hard to hear him even if he had his hearing device in his left ear —his eyesight and fingers weren't the only thing the blast ruined. When he was really annoyed and Gabi and Falco's voices were extremely loud for his liking, Levi used to turn it off and ignore the distant, muffled noises. 

"They have things and artifacts used by the SC. He says it's amazing to see them because it's like they don't believe they lived and saw all that stuff firsthand." Continued Onyankopon with his eyes straight ahead. 

Levi nodded. He honestly doesn't believe he's lived and seen that much either. He's the only member of the original Corps left. The only one who was around before the fall of the Wall Maria. Feels like he's lived a thousand life times. He constantly wonders if all of that has been his life.

"It's a relic, Cap–, I mean, Levi. " Reiner told him once when he was visiting. "How do you handle it? You've seen the world change so many times." 

Gabi gasped. "You're telling Levi he's a decrepit?" She asked, pretending to be  offended. 

Reiner's eyes widened in fright. "What? No Gabi! I didn't mean that–," 

"Are you telling him that his wrinkles hang to the floor? That he smells old? That–," 

"Gabi," Levi interrupted her/ "I got your hints, thank you. So shut up please." 

She paused and then laughed apologetically. She walked up to Levi and gave him a kiss on the cheek, claiming that it was all a joke and that if it were true, he would still be her favorite old man. Levi smiled not at Gabi's kind words but at Reiner's puzzled expression who didn't seem to get used to seeing him so soft with his cousin. 

Even though, he sometimes thinks that the life of humanity's strongest soldier belonged to someone else.

Levi, being in this town, travels to the past without being able to differentiate it from the present.

How many times did he walk these streets before leaving before expeditions? How many of his comrades didn't return from them? How many times did they return 'triumphant'? 

And how many damn times did they return with the stench of death fiercely covering their uniforms while the crowd insulted them loudly as if they hadn't already enough with the screams of agony?

Needless to say, it was the place where he had the shittiest day of all because he made the decision to let Erwin die two fucking times.

No matter which way you look at it, Shinganshina was a land of death. For Levi, at least. 

Mikasa the day before told him about the folk legends that had been spread over the years. Some tell that on nights when the moon is full, the footsteps of titans are heard. Shrieks of pain and fear are also heard at midnight. In the gloom one can make out the terrifying silhouette of a titan. And hours before the sun rises, in a certain street, you can hear the gallop of dozens of horses accompanied by war cries. 

He reiterates it. This town is death everywhere you look. A cemetery disguised as a town with trees that are scythes and houses that are tombstones.

And it is disgusting. It is horrible how people make what Levi lived in his own flesh only history for them. Heroic history worthy of a fairy tale. 

"Are you okay, Levi?" Falco says quietly and crouches down to the height of his wheelchair.

Nothing is okay, I want to scream. I want to cry. 

Levi grunts in response, squeezing the arms of the chair tightly until his knuckles turn white. His breathing clogs every so many seconds, an indicator that he has to use his inhaler weighing down his pocket —yes, the damn explosion fucked up his lungs too, leaving him with asthma.

"Let him," He hears Onyankopon say firmly to Falco who withdraws from his side. "Let him feel." 

Oh, thank you for your understanding Onyankopon. Of course he wants to feel.  Over the years Levi learned —thanks to his psychologist, who exasperated with the vein throbbing fervently in his forehead repeated it to him a thousand times— that it wasn't good not to let emotions flow. The best thing to do was to let it all out; with screams, tears, and laughter. Right now, what else would Levi want than to take a sledgehammer and smash to pieces the statue standing imposing in front of them. 

He wants to destroy it, to ruin it again and again until his arms ache from holding the sledgehammer so long. 

Although he clearly won't. Because first of all, he's a decent enough person (at least he thinks he is) not to look like a madman. And secondly, who knows how long his frail body would endure hitting the stone over and over again. 

In front of them, in the alley where years ago Erwin told him about his plan to ride to his death with the recruits, there is a statue of his lover with his hand balled into a fist over his heart as he rides his stallion. The figure is at least ten feet of pale gray polished stone. At the base was an engraved description: 

For those who gave their hearts.

Year 850

Reconquest of the Wall Maria 

Below is a summary transcript of that battle that took from Levi what he loved most.

The statue is beautifully cared for and polished. At its feet were dozens of flowers and candles.

It is magnificent. Levi abhors it. It repulses him. He hates it for that. 

"He looks like a prince." He hears Gabi mutter bitterly. 

He can agree with her in a way. The bearing, Erwin's scowl, the strong build of his horse and the static movement of his clothes give him an enormous air of grandeur. However, that is not his Erwin: his eyebrows were thicker, the dazzling arch of his nose was more aquiline, his lips were not as thin and above all that was not his expression when he gave himself up to death. There are more than ten things wrong with the beautiful statue. 

Levi drums his leg hard. His fingers begin to scratch the leather arms of his chair avoiding at all costs to bring his hands to his face because he feels like he's not even close to scratching himself. Rather, scratching the scars on his face in order to take it out on something  —a frequent habit since the war ended. He would do it in moments of sudden madness and despair in which Levi would tear his skin hard until the blood started coming out of the reddish marks since he thought he didn't deserve to live and that it was best to hurt himself because only he survived and it wasn't fair.

He was no fool, he surely knew that he would find something of this kind in Paradis. People's affection for Erwin increased when he died. Just how many people in the last decade had gone in search of Levi to gather as much information about the Commander as possible.

"Commander Erwin is very much loved here," Historia commented to him the day before, laughing dryly, "He's like a saint. At least the bastards have respect for him."

Yesterday Levi nodded agreeing with the blonde but now anger suffocates him, knotting his stomach.

Everyone at the time hated Erwin. Cursing him, calling him ruthless, screaming demon at him and now it turns out the bastards are hailing him, worshipping every surface where Erwin supposedly stood when he was alive —at the Mithras museum there's a draft of a fucking bust of Erwin they plan to finish next year. 

He's heard rumors that when people talk about the Rumbling one of the constant comments is "I'm sure if Erwin had been alive, he would've prevented that catastrophe." Those are the times when Levi is happy with the decision he made. For those people it is fortunate that Levi was never present when they say that, because he would have told them to go fuck themselves. Of course Levi wanted to prevent the Rumbling but if one of the alternatives would be at the cost of Erwin's well being he would never allowed it.

Levi feels nauseous to think of how many people in these very streets were shouting profanities at Erwin to now worship a goddamn stone shaped like him. The living will only feel appreciation for you when you stop breathing. 

Remember the mourning the population of the Walls had when their relentless Commander lost his life in the battle of Shinganshina; the filthy ceremonial events where Zackley listed a long list of Erwin's contributions to mankind, the sad apologies of the market ladies every time Hange or Levi went shopping and the sorrowful comments of everyone.

They wept bitterly for him for months. Years perhaps. They had a mourning similar to Levi's only directed at completely different people. 

The people of Paradis sigh sadly for the Thirteenth SC Commander. They comment mournfully about his brave and daring exploits. Of the handsome man who had monsters and humans at his feet. About the hero who refused to leave his soldiers behind and nobly sacrificed himself. They are unhappy not to have alive on this earth the man who even with a maimed and bleeding arm was able to face the Armored Titan. Who looked into the eyes of many titans and didn't retreat, on the contrary, he hardened his gaze and made them tremble. 

On the other hand, Levi weeps eternally for his lover. For the man who took care of his books like babies and who almost cried when he accidentally spilled ink on one of his pages when he lost his arm. He cries for the man who took so long to add and got stuck doing mental arithmetic. For the man who became so enraptured with random objects that Levi had to snap his fingers in front of him to get him out of his trance. For the one who every time they returned from an expedition his nose and cheeks were dotted with very faint freckles. 

Paradis and the whole world remember Erwin Smith with a fierce look and a serene expression. Levi remembers him with a smile. 

Everyone thinks Erwin died for a good cause. Fuck it. He wasn't the god, the devil disguised as a hero that everyone imagines. He was a man with the soul of a child who thought he was always alone. 

No one exactly remembers Erwin. Not even Levi. And it hurts, it hurts so much to know that only ill-made glimpses remain in his memory. His chest burns when he thinks that the last time he saw Erwin was the time Levi went for his body lying in this same damn town.

It was before winter set in that Levi went on his journey to retrieve his lover's bones. 

He left before dawn without warning, accompanied by a sad wagon and cleaning supplies. All the way he was tense because he was sure of the sight that would greet him. After all, he had already witnessed it with his mother's corpse, why should it be any different with Erwin? 

During the short walk from the stairs to that room where he was waiting for him, his heart had never beaten so thunderously but slowly at the same time. 

At this point, Levi is amazed at his willpower because he never broke down when he reached Erwin's body. That time, as soon as he removed the cloak with which he had covered Erwin —or what was left of him— the weight of the pain of reality hit him hard for the hundredth time since the recapture of the Wall Maria. 

There was nothing that screamed Erwin. Yes, there were the books left in the dust, the incomplete sheets of paperwork, and yet that stillness betrayed that the one they were waiting for would never return. It was the same with his clothes, from which his scent slowly faded. All that remained of Erwin were his bones lying on Levi's cloak.

Erwin was gone forever. 

Bones. That was all that remained of Levi's everything. 

And even though Levi felt like he could scream and sob until he was voiceless for days from having Erwin's fucking bones in front of him, he suppressed his emotions. He had an easy time with it anyway. 

Levi held in the agony, the disgust and the urge to leave with Erwin from this world and leaned over the dirty bed to whisper. 

"Come on, Blondie," He murmured in a slurred voice, biting his lip as he saw blurred "It's time to take you home." 

He cleaned every bone, every part of that body he worshipped with care. Every part that had once been wrapped in flesh and that Levi kissed lovingly in the nights escorted by the stars. He carved the fingers that had previously known, admired and loved every scar and relief of Levi's body. 

Only that the body of Erwin he remembered was warm and comforting and in that disastrous moment it was cold —Erwin's skin was naturally warm, not that deadly gelidity—, but knowing he would be taken from there was comforting in a devastating way. 

Being near those cold bones was like coming home… but to a lonely, dark house in the middle of nowhere. 

"I've been busy," Levi mumbled from time to time, when the silence made his ears ring. "I'm sorry to leave you alone." 

Oh, and how Erwin hated being lonely. He thought he always would be and that no one would ever miss him, even though he daily craved Levi's company to have a hand to hold on the darkest days. 

Despite having covered his mouth and nose with a rag, Levi is certain that the foul, putrid odors wafting from the entire room were overlooked by the huge lump in his throat that wouldn't let him breathe. His eyes burned not from the stench of the dead, but from the restrained tears he refused to shed. 

Against all odds, Levi superhumanly resisted shedding any tears, taking solace in the fact that the last time he saw Erwin on the roof —handsome and strong, with skin and flesh, with soft golden hair when he had no pomade— he looked at peace. After all Erwin loved to sleep, silently complaining about the few hours of nap time he got for being the Commander. He liked to sleep and now he would do it forever.

And well, it's also a comfort to know that at least Onyan, Gabi and Falco know who the real Erwin was.

"You say he also supposedly didn't move when Annie's arm almost fell on him, right?" Gabi asks squatting down to be at Levi's height and takes his hand gently. 

Levi mumbles in affirmation without looking away from the statue feeling an itch in his eyes that he deliberately ignores. 

He hears Falco hiss at Gabi to leave Levi alone although she ignores him as she remains by his side. 

"Well, I'll never tire of saying it," She says thoughtfully, lifting her head up because her wide brimmed hat covers part of her view. "Your boyfriend had the biggest balls in the history of humanity." 

Levi opens his eyes dumbfounded and rests his gaze on her who is still looking at the stone figure. He knows that Onyankopon and Falco must be tensing up behind him because of the sudden comment that interrupted Levi's meltdown. 

Levi blinks for a few moments and then snorts, stretching out a hand. With his fingers he gently brushes the long braid resting on Gabi's neck. 

"The biggest ones, brat. And I can assure you that, I saw them with my own eyes. They were also beautiful and very soft." 

Gabi freezes at his statement and turns to look at him blushing. "Levi, what the hell? Did you hear that?" She asks Falco and Onyan. "You don't say that so lightly." And it was the last thing she said before breaking into laughter that was seconded by relieved sighs from the men behind them.

For the hundredth time on their journey Levi was grateful to have taken them with him. That calmness Onyan conveyed, Falco's incredible patience and kindness and Gabi's illuminating fire were the anchors, the supports Levi needed.

Gabi still laughs at his comment and Levi finds it hard to believe that she was the girl who burst into tears one day because she feared Levi's perception of her.

After the war Gabi had wanted to fit in. She tried to be a normal teenager constantly accompanied by Falco's support. However, her life was like wanting to force the wrong piece into some part of a puzzle. Levi inadvertently overheard one day while Gabi was at her appointment with the psychologist that she often felt that any object in her hands was a weapon. 

As much as she tried to mimic the behavior of girls her age, Levi knew she still saw things from a military perspective: how far away she could shoot someone cleanly, what place served as a hiding place in case of ambush, what shoes were useful for her to make a run for it in case of danger. While Falco and Levi dragged their own weight with them on a daily basis, Gabi pretended that this weight belonged to her own body. 

Also, in the past —not to make anyone's trauma any less— Falco witnessed the end and chaos of massacres that lingered in the form of ruins and distant screams. On the other hand, Gabi witnessed with her own eyes the death of her friends: Udo, Zofia, Galliard and Colt. 

Pretend, deny, pretend. Gabi's new armor. 

She thought that the more she denied and the more she kept silent, the less the pain would be.

But like any dam that can't stand the overflowing and heavy amount of water, Gabi did too.

It was one day when the children insisted on helping Levi by cleaning the cupboard shelves. By accident Gabi had knocked over a cup that came with others. It was a gift from Hange, Nanaba, Moblit and Mike. Seeing the pieces of porcelain on the floor made Levi yell at Gabi. He yelled like he hadn't in years. And tough and unyielding Gabi who usually would not put up with Levi's frustrated screams, broke down and  cried. 

Watching her sob something inside Levi began to crack and his heart broke like his cup when Gabi bawled about how everything she touched was shattered because of her. 

"You'll never forgive me! For your cup and for Sasha."  She said, gasping for breath. Then Falco cried too. Seeing them cry made Levi cry and when Onyankopon at the uproar came down from his room and saw them so broken he cried too. It was glorious to share the burden with other people. It one of the first times Levi felt more relieved. They cried for being alive, cuddling on the couch until it was impossible to get any more tears out. 

From then on Gabi started to move on. Onyankopon and Falco followed him. Although at first glance they both looked fine and normal, it was obvious for Levi that they were equally broken and tormented (if only Levi noticed the same with Hange, who appeared to be fine but left them out with a punishment he imposed on them). 

And that's why he's here isn't it? His family has already made their passes with the past. They've exorcized their souls with their demons and now it's Levi's turn. He has to uproot that darkness in order to move on, in order to live in peace at last.  

Levi thought that in Marley the stench of the Underground and the blood spilled by titans and humans would not reach him. That it was all far away, thousands of miles away in Paradis. 

How wrong he was!

That there wasn't a war didn't mean he didn't have his own in his head. Because for Levi, weakness, fear and terror only lead to one thing for sure: death. And only less than a year ago, Levi didn't want to believe that the fears he hid inside him became more terrible the deeper and longer they went.

For as long as he can remember, Levi understood that being afraid, admitting it, was like putting a knife to your neck in hands that wouldn't hesitate to kill you. Literally and metaphorically. And now it turned out that exposing his fears would save him from himself. 

To return to Paradis was literally to return to the source of his pain. To his heaven and hell. Not that the island was a piece of cursed land as he had thought over the years, but it was the power Levi had given him to terrify and drown him with panic. Besides there was the fact that he couldn't spend what was left of his life sulking about everything. 

Why did you come back, Levi? 

To uproot the fear, touching and stepping on the land that chases away his peace. 

To create new memories with his new family, showing them his homeland in another way.

How he told Mikasa to visit him. To see Erwin again. He has missed him so much that he feels his heart will burst with grief. 

And why not, to forgive. 

Not his enemies. Not the Jaegerists, and certainly not Zeke. 

Levi returned to Paradis to forgive himself and get out of the prison he shares with the ghosts, and the darkness that devours him every day.

***

"You know something?" Falco says, between bites of his slice of pie. "Sometimes I find it hard to imagine that places like this exist."

Onyankopon who is lying on the plaid blanket where they are eating, nods.

"It's a beautiful view."

Gabi finishes her slice of cake, shaking invisible crumbs from her pink skirt. Then she grabs her fiancé by the elbow urging him to get up.

"C'me on Falco. Let's go exploring!" 

The boy hurries his food and rises to Gabi's hurried pace as she drags him past the green of the field.

"Tsk, don't go too far!" Levi shouts to them seeing them walking away.

" Levi ," Onyan says. "They're not kids anymore, let them be. Besides, what could happen to them?"

Levi pretends to think about it humming "Hmph, I don't know," His right hand starts plucking bits of grass absentmindedly. "Either one of them could catch a strange bug that could bite them and kill them in minutes. Or they could trip which would cause them to fall on a rock that would split their heads open."

"They are twenty-five years old. They're not kids anymore, they know how to take care of themselves."

Levi shakes his head. It doesn't enter his head that they are no longer his children who sat beside him on stormy nights. "Do you really know them, Onyankopon? You know that they're the kids who stuck a glass in the oven, don't you?"

"They were kids, and the microwave was new. How could they know how to use it?"

"With this conversation I'm noticing who of us has cleaned up our messes the most."

Onyan laughs again, and makes the corners of Levi's lips stretch. Onyankopon was in battle with them, but still, he is like the fresh, pure air that paints Gabi, Falco and Levi's lives.

Lifting his face, Levi squints and lets the delicate scent of flowers in the distance and the warm sunlight caress his face. 

The sky is impossibly blue adorned by giant, beautiful clouds with soft, fluffy edges. There is green everywhere, the distant trees and on the small hills dotted with flowers of a thousand colors. The breeze is cold but the sunlight makes it seem less so.

He missed this about his island. Nature had always predominated in his old-fashioned way of life and he was greatly relieved that the claws of humanity had not rested on these ethereal places. 

Levi loved running through these fields alongside Erwin. If they had enough energy, they would leave their horses somewhere not so far away and race off, playing a game of who would catch who or who would get there first. Usually Levi always won, but there were times when he would get caught and they would both end up rolling in the grass. When that happened, Levi liked to stroke the bridge of Erwin's nose admiring his face, while Erwin put a flower in his ear. Afterwards, they used to have a picnic where they would eat a dessert that Erwin said was not purchased with SC funds.

It was one of the few good places Levi wanted to visit voluntarily to share with Onyankopon and the children. It had been enough with the dreary visit to Shinganshina that brought back so many dreadful memories that gave him goose bumps. 

Now, Levi took them to see this idyllic landscape on horseback. All along the way, Gabi challenged him by shouting "C' mon, old man! I know you can give more!" 

Old man. He used to call people that. 

It was nice but also terribly tiring. Though there was something satisfying about that tiredness and labored breathing because Levi felt alive again as he galloped. Maybe he would never feel the incredible adrenaline and happiness of using the ODM again (Oh, how he missed that weight on his hips and the ease with which it maneuvered as if it was just like breathing) but riding was the closest thing to that feeling.

Occasionally Levi would go to riding lessons. He had a hard time relearning to ride again because of his injured leg but, it was nothing he couldn't overcome. It was more than worth it. Because no one was going to take away the joy of having his wings again even if it was in a different form.

"So, are you been having a good time, Levi?" Onyankopon asks and does nothing to hide the slight concern in his tone.

"I haven't felt like letting myself go downhill in the wheelchair," Levi continues to pluck grass and shrugs. "I guess that's something, isn't it?"

Onyankopon doesn't laugh at his comment. Instead, the man sits up and seeks Levi's gaze.

"You know you count on us." He says, and Levi rolls his eyes.

"I know. That's why I brought you here."

Both remain silent, interrupted only by the buzzing of insects and the occasional but distant laughter of Gabi and Falco. Seriously Levi prays that humans never ruin this field and the many wild places still intact in Paradis.

Out of the corner of his eye he catches Onyankopon open his mouth and Levi doesn't let him speak. "If you say I don't actually have to do any of this–,"

"Actually," The man interrupts him, "I was going to say don't worry about anything. I was going to tell you that this," He points around him opening one arm "It's just a place and it can't hurt you. This island is not a curse, think of it for what it is: land surrounded by sea."

Levi doesn't look back at him but he is very moved. Levi knows he doesn't have to let the place of his losses ruin him but it's so good to hear it from someone other than his nagging mental voice. 

Onyankopon sighs and takes from a tiny plate one of the cookies they bought at a bakery in Sina. They were good but not as tasty as the ones Gabi baked at home.

"I may have been opposed to you coming back at first. However, I think it was for the best. After all, you have unfinished matters with Erwin." The way he pronounces Erwin's name is in such a familiar manner that Levi finds it hard to think that Onyan has never met him. He has always known him through stories. Hange talked about him a lot and Levi did the same at his home in Marley. 

The wind blows softly and it gives coolness to Levi who moistens his lips with some nervousness as he looks down. "You will come with me there, won't you?" 

Onyankopon nods. "If that's what you want, we will." 

"No–, I mean yes, but–, I…," Levi pauses hesitantly stroking his calloused hands. Aside from the numerous scars, there are a few burns on both (as on his entire body) and as often happens to him, he fleetingly misses when the only marks were hickeys and bites. The now healed wounds give a strange relief to his body that for a while he hated with his soul. 

Levi sighs playing with his thumbs. "I want you to go. I need you there with me because I know I won't stand to be all alone there. Also, I want you to meet them. Just..." He swallows and whispers apologetically. "I was going to ask for some time alone with Erwin. That's all." 

The weight of a reassuring hand causes him to lift his gaze from the plaid blanket, meeting Onyankopon's sheepish expression. 

"Of course. No problem." Onyan says with a smile that rubs off on Levi.

Levi knows that healing doesn't erase anything. His scars are proof of that; no matter how much treatment, layers of clothing or blind eyes pretending not to see them, they will never go away. Healing is not about removing the many wounds, it's about appreciating the scar. 

Levi is... nervous, yes. He is less than a day away from visiting Erwin as a completely different person than the last time he saw him. 

Licking his chapped lips, Levi's fingers play with Erwin's bolo tie hanging around his neck. Gabi was able to repair the pendant so that he could wear it for the rest of the trip. With that, he doesn't feel so unprotected from the memories that subtly threaten to pull him under.

"Aw, look at them," Onyan says. 

Levi follows his loving gaze and sees in the distance Gabi and Falco holding hands and circling around the flowers. The skirt of Gabi's dress moves harmoniously to the sound of her hair and Falco's sack. 

"Tch," Levi complains. "I hope they don't step on any flowers." How hypocritical of him to say so because he would push Erwin to the ground and his huge body would crush numerous flowers –lucky flowers. Getting crushed to death by Erwin Smith? That was an honor. 

"Let's hope not. Anyway, this moment deserves a picture. Can you hand me the camera? It might come in handy for the gift you're giving them, " Onyankopon stands up with a groan ready to go capture the boys' romantic moment. 

"Shh. They might hear you," Levi hisses cautiously peering sideways extending the camera. 

"Levi, they're too far away to have heard me. Besides, don't you hear their laughter? They must be too focused on themselves to have paid attention to me."

Levi hums unconvinced. "I'll believe you. But don't let me hear you tell them about my wedding gift." 

Onyankopon fakes a military salute with the hand not holding the camera. 

"I won't, don't worry." 

Onyankopon walks toward the younger but after five steps turns back to Levi. 

"You may be broken, Levi. But for your good fortune, just because something is broken doesn't mean it's not beyond repair."

Levi nods and gives him a wry smile. "Just my luck." 

Onyankopon laughs and walks off at a brisk pace to frame Gabi and Falco on camera. 

Levi watches them and laughs softly when Gabi notices Onyankopon and quickly takes him by the hand and the three of them walk around together among the flowers. 

Watching them, Levi knows of his two worlds: the one he can leave behind and the one he can build. 

He takes comfort in knowing that he is almost completely abandoning the first. 

***

"Levi, what is your favorite color? Green is set aside by Onyan, brown by Falco, and lilac by me." 

Levi hums playing with the petals of the numerous flowers in the basket on his legs. 

"I mean," Gabi clears her throat, reconsidering her question. "Other than blue."

Levi snorts. "Then none."

"Oh, c' mon!" She leans over from the back seat, resting her chin on the passenger backrest to look at Levi. "You must like another one. At least think."

"Then let Falco change his color too." Levi turns to her with a frown. "Falco only likes brown because of your eyes." 

Gabi blushes furiously and snorts. "Well, Falco likes red and light blue too, don't you baby?" 

"Yes." He replies loudly and somewhat dulled. Levi is sure that the boy's face is completely red thanks to Gabi's nickname. They have been boyfriend and girlfriend since they were sixteen and these displays of affection between the two are so weird because of how embarrassing they can be. 

"So Levi?" Gabi urges him to answer. 

He grunts, "I don't know, maybe... Yellow. Not garish yellow because that one gives me a headache, but the one that looks like gold." 

"Very good choice, Levi. Erwin's hair sure was pretty," She says knowing in advance why he chose it. "Although for next time you could say that all the colors Erwin had on his body you like." 

"Okay. I'll play along," Levi mumbles. "Because the pink on his cock was the cutest." 

Gabi pokes him in the shoulder "Ugh! Why do comments of yours that have to do with sex come so matter-of-factly? It's how if–, Onyankopon don't laugh!" 

"Sorry." He apologizes, stifling his laughter. 

Gabi folds her arms. "Literally Levi is kind of like my dad and imagining him in those situations is… weird." 

Levi's chest tingles with warmth. Every time his name is in the same sentence as the word father, something in him twists, giving him insecurity but not in a suffocating way; one way or another he likes to be thought of with that term. It gives him some pride and happiness to be thought of as a good father figure —and it's not like Kenny was an excellent guide on how to be one. 

He once even imagined faceless children running around a nice garden or annoying teenagers yelling at him for his constant, protective presence. How he said, he just imagined it. Because a life with children was practically impossible and besides that was Erwin's dream not his. Levi only included himself in Erwin's impossible dreams. 

He finds it the weirdest thing in the world how he ended up caring for (and they for him) Gabi and Falco. Their fates were intertwined in their cruelest experiences. It's a serendipity he has come to appreciate.

"Let's play, I see, I see!" Falco says with sudden enthusiasm.

"Okay, I see, I see something... blue." 

"The sky?" Onyankopon asks Gabi, who congratulates him with a fleeting round of applause.

The topics of conversation have remained this trivial and silly for the entire ride. In another time and place Levi would have turned down the volume of his hearing aid or nodded off for a while lulled by their loud voices. This day, however, he tries to listen to them with full attention because he knows the chatter is banal enough to keep him distracted and entertained with something other than his troubled head.

Visiting Historia and Mikasa? Check it out. 

Return to Shinganshina to close cycles? Done. 

Ride horses and go to his favorite meadows? Already done. 

Go to the ruins of the SC headquarters? They went the day before (by the way, thanks Eren for ruining with your damn Rumbling a place where Levi had good memories and a few belongings of his lover). 

Strolling through the cities Levi knew as towns? Done, done, done .

He knew he couldn't put off the visit to the cemetery any longer and since the night before Levi's heart has been hammering violently in his sternum because of the anguish growing in him with every second. The road has certainly changed, but it has recognizable aspects (buildings, trees and certain angles) that scream to Levi that he is meters away from so many dead friends.

With every meter the car moves forward, he has no idea how just minutes ago he was able to carry on a coherent conversation without his mouth feeling dry.

The car turns a corner and Levi's body freezes at the sight of the black gate topped with pinnacles at the tips that surround the site and beyond it dozens of gray tombstones lined up evenly one after another. His eye does not look away from the graveyard at any time until the noise of the engine dies down and the car stops.

His throat whistles from his agitated breathing. The air does not circulate in his body and the walls of the car shrink little by little until Levi's body is a quivering mass. 

Onyan and Gabi's voices fade and he is acutely aware that all three pairs of eyes are on him. Levi focuses on the flowers and bites the inside of his cheek. He wants to make fun of himself when he feels his eyes watering. He hasn't even gotten off and he's already starting to feel this ruined. Why did he ever come to think this would do him any good?

"Levi." 

Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand he slowly turns to Falco. Gabi stepped back to give Falco a chance to stroke Levi's arm trying to calm him down.

"You'll probably ignore me and think I'm lying like the stubborn man you are. You well know it's no secret that we refused several times to have you come here because we were afraid to think about what and how you were going to deal with things." Falco's hands run up and down his arm until they stop firmly at his elbow. "However, you have to believe me when I tell you that in these few days you've looked more… " he pauses, looking for the right word. "More enlightened than in all these years. You look more alive. Cured to be exact."

For about ten seconds, all Levi hears is his blood rushing through his ears. 

He distinguishes that Gabi opens her mouth twice hesitantly. Falco squeezes her hand and it seems to be enough to give her the courage to speak. "Old man," She stirs in her place, moving closer as well. "Are you not the strongest of humanity?"

Ah , how Levi has repudiated that fucking nickname forever. He hated being called that because it was horrifying to watch others die helplessly when he was still around. Now, that hate is heightened because it reminds him of what he once was. 

He purses his lips and frowns in exasperation because that's the last thing he wants to remember now. "Are you fuckin' shitting me Gabriella? I'm a damned cripple, blind in one eye–,"

"Shh, let her talk." Onyankopon orders her.

"Yes, shut up." Gabi seconds his order firmly contrary to her brown eyes that exude gentleness. "We knew of you through stories: Levi Ackerman, the man who could defeat the nine titans with only two blades. I know you are no longer the savior of mankind that everyone knew. As you say, yes, you are a crippled man blind in one eye with asthma and half your body burned. But who says you are no longer the strongest soldier? I think the four of us here know that battles are not only physical."

Gabi hesitantly brings a hand up to Levi's face. She pulls it away for a couple of seconds but seems to send her hesitant thoughts to hell because pulls her hand close again. "I'm sure that's what all your comrades loved about you," She brushes a few strands out of Levi's face. "They didn't worship you for the titans you killed, but for the hope you gave them. Your greatness isn't the strength of your body, Levi. It is your heart." 

Falco nods fervently. "That's what everyone admired about you. That's what we appreciate about you. And we're sure it's one of the many things Erwin loved you for." 

"Your strength lies not in what you can kill. It's what you can overcome." Gabi assures him by resting her hand on Falco's which is over Levi's. 

Onyankopon stacks his hand on top of theirs. "All your life you have fought. And this fight is the last one that awaits you. We can go home if you want. But you have two choices, you can live to avenge the past or live to enrich the present. Since you have come so far, I would advise you to go for the second option."

Levi stubbornly forces himself not to cry. At least he doesn't want to yet. 

Treacherous tears slide down his cheeks in scarred relief. His past continually haunts him, but it also soothes him. And there's no doubt that going to the cemetery will do the same, it will be painful as hell but it will take a weight off his shoulders that he's definitely tired of carrying. 

"Damn it," Levi sighs and throws his head back. "I love you." 

Gabi nudges his shoulder. "Don't get so sentimental yet. You'll have us forever, save those tears for your friends." 

"We'll be there for you, Levi." Falco assures "As you were on our visit to the graves of Udo, Zofia and my brother. We'll leave you only when you ask." 

Levi drums his leg in a nod. He glances sideways at the cemetery. "God, I'm so nervous. I feel like I'm going to shit myself." 

"If it reassures you, I'm nervous too." Gabi crosses her arms warming herself. "I'm getting cold." 

"Why?" Levi asks her quizzically. 

" Why ?" Gabi repeats "You've told us about them for over ten years and we're meters away from all of them. Isn't that a good reason?" 

"Also, we're going to be in front of Erwin Smith !" Falco exclaims "He's the one who has given you the most happiness in your whole life. We have him to thank. Plus, I've always wanted to meet him." 

Levi snorts derisively, wiping away the lonely tears that left their sad trail down his face. He squeezes the handles of the flower basket tightly. 

"Brats," He says, knowing there is no turning back. "Pass me my cane please." 

"Sure, you don't want your wheelchair?" Onyankopon questions him for what seems to him like the third time in the day. 

"No." Levi replies. He refuses to visit Erwin in a wheelchair if he can still stand. 

In minutes they get out of the car that is parked in the fortunately almost empty parking lot. Gabi takes the basket overflowing with flowers from Levi's hands at the same time as Falco offers him his arm for support. 

"Thank you."  Levi murmurs, sweeping Falco up and down. Occasionally he is puzzled by how tall he is —Erwin was taller than Falco just by two inches.

Levi always had it in the back of his mind that someday he wanted to return to Paradis to visit everyone. And every time he thought about it, he imagined that the day he went to the graveyard would be cloudy; with an icy wind that would freeze his bones, that the branches of the trees would shake furiously at the scourge of the air and that the sky would rumble from the lightning that was coming. Contrary to that, the day is brilliant . The clouds paint the sky blue with their creative shapes and the sunlight warms their unclothed skin. There is no breeze to move the leaves on the ground. It is a beautiful day only overshadowed by the hurricane of emotions inside Levi. 

At the entrance to the cemetery there are several stalls with flowers and wreaths to adorn the graves. The sellers look askance at the flowers in the basket Gabi is carrying but the four of them don't care as they stride into the place. Under their feet the concrete is replaced by a stony path when they pass the gloomy gate. 

And it is like entering another world because the noise of the distant traffic and the voices of the crowd going about their daily lives does not reach here. It's like being inside a bubble because of the totally different aura that unfolds around you. 

Fuck, Levi seriously considers shitting himself from the nerves. 

The past comes rushing back to him and he quickly recalls the dozens of times he went through this same walk, each time regretting more and more people. Fewer and fewer were those who accompanied him and more were leaving. 

"Levi," Onyankopon clears his throat. "Where do you want to start?" 

Inevitably his gaze travels further into the background where he knows it is where Erwin is calling out to him quietly. Still, he ignores that baritone tone —mostly because he wants to save it for last— and Levi nods another way. 

"Let's start with what's closest." 

They pass by graves with names unknown to Levi because it is one of the places where soldiers who died before he joined the Corps are buried. He is not religious, but mentally prays for them. Any dead person is important. 

Levi sighs and pauses slowly when they reach the graves of his first family.

What would they say to him? To the person he became? Would they make fun of why Levi ended up sleeping with Erwin Smith? Would they laugh about how he was rarely cold in the Underground and now a blizzard is freezing his bones? Would they cry with happiness at how far he's come? 

It's hard for Levi to believe he was ever twenty-something. 

Falco bends down to read the names and makes a sound of surprise.

"It's Isabel and–,"

"Yes." Levi interrupts him abruptly. "You didn't read it?" 

"Right, sorry." Falco watches him carefully. "It's just that I thought it was odd to see them here. You told us their bodies were left outside the walls." 

Levi rubs his right temple. He was needlessly angered by a curious question. He must calm down. He has to . No need to take out his sadness with anger. Because, yes , he had to accept years ago that he had regrets for their deaths. 

No regrets was a nice strong life motto but, would he be human if he had no regrets at all? 

"It's true, there are no bodies. These are mostly honorary." He explains leaning on the cane. "I was too shocked to think about taking their remains with me."

Gabi gets down on her knees to carefully place the more exotic flowers she carries in the basket. Neither Farlan nor Isabel had the opportunity to see many flowers. Not even the most common ones. They deserved ones they never imagined.

"Their remains were left in the open," Onyankopon says. "But think that in what was left of Farlan, over him is a beautiful, healthy tree. And that upon Isabel blossomed the most beautiful flowers."

Levi always thought that some scavenger ate them or that they just rotted, but that thought is prettier so he nods with slight conviction. "Hmph, I wish they were Magnolias."

Isabel's fuzzy, lively voice echoes in his mind with that annoying nickname she used to call him by. 

Remember when you used to call me big brother? Levi thinks, I became a cranky old man who is something of a father to two brats who are almost Farlan's and my age when we met you. 

If Farlan saw me now, you'd scoff at how corny and emotional I've become.

Minutes later they leave to go to their squadron. To get to them, they have to cross six years of deaths thanks to the Titans. 

Titans . How strange the word sounds now.

Levi recognizes many of the names and it's like having lived a hundred lives.

Son. Nephew. Thief. Murderer. Soldier. Comrade. Captain. Friend. Cripple. Father. Lover. 

He met so many in such fleeting moments and each one embedded itself no matter how minimal in Levi's soul. So many versions of him, so many lives and it's the same pain. In a second anyone of his mates could be standing there, and in the second it took for Levi to blink they were already dead. 

With Gabi's help he leaves small bouquets of flowers on the graves of Eld, Oluo, Gunther and Petra. Internally, he regrets not feeling as sad as he did a few moments ago with Farlan and Isabel. 

"You were like their mama duck." Gabi says, arranging the bouquets in the granite vases next to each headstone. The four graves are too close together, a result of the many who perished at the hands of the Female Titan. "Both for your squadron and for the guys in 104th."

"Don't talk nonsense." Levi replies aghast, passing him another bouquet. Erwin also went so far as to comment to him that those teenagers followed him around like ducklings in the Mitras' palace pond hurrying their short steps to catch up with their mother. 

"It's true. We had Reiner, they had you. They weren't to blame for you taking them so nicely under your wing."

Levi hums. "Whatever you say."

They finish arranging the graves and Levi is silent for a while. He doesn't feel as bad as he does for Farlan and Isabel but it's good. He remembers that after a disastrous expedition in which several friends from his young squadron had died, they didn't want to mourn —at least not much. 

"Because it's not bad at all." Eld replied holding back tears, after Levi had enough of their choked sobs demanded that they at least have a good cry.

"Yes, Captain." Gunther replied with silent tear marks. "There's no need to feel sad. We need to be comforted."

Levi frowned. "Why?"

"You know, Captain." Petra sniffled through her snot, hugging Oluo who couldn't speak because he was crying so hard. "It hurts that they are gone because we want them by our side. Still, we always say they are in a better place, so why aren't we comforted? We must not die with the dead. We must live for them." 

They were words that stuck forever in Levi's mind. Difficult to put into practice since of how uncertain they were. 

About twenty paces away are other veterans. Among them are Mike and Nanaba. Nothing remained of any of them. They considered Mike dead but also missing. There was no trace of him, which gave Erwin terrible nightmares. 

"I would rather have seen him torn to pieces than have this uncertainty of what happened to him." Erwin muttered in his office one night with deep dark circles under his eyes.

For months, Levi wondered internally what Mike's last moments were like. Would he have died quickly or slowly and painfully? How did he die? He was so good, how could he have died so... like that ? They searched the last place he had gone several times and there was nothing. The unknown became a question in the back of his mind as time passed until Zeke nonchalantly commented on the description of the man he had taken the ODM from. Zeke said he was sorry for letting that man alone with a bunch of titans. 

"I hope they didn't make him suffer too much." Zeke said with a sad look in his eyes. 

Levi's hatred for him became inhuman that day.

On Nan's tombstone he leaves a garland of jasmine. Levi always tries to remember her with that strong smile and her quiet but powerful presence. He will always try to silence the stories of how she died, screaming in agony as she was devoured and crying out for forgiveness. 

As they walk to the memorial tombs of the Battle of Shinganshina, Levi notices Onyankopon looking nervous. His eyes glisten with tears.

"They would like you to greet them shouting with happiness," Levi tells him, searching with his eyes for Moblit's grave. Onyankopon laughs quickly.

When Levi finds it, Onyan helps him decorate the gravestone with flowers. Just below where Moblit's name is read, small letters are crudely carved: 'H.Z '.

Hange cannot have a proper grave on the island because they are considered traitors, so Armin and Jean arranged for them to have a discreet one next to the one who was probably the love of their lives.

Onyankopon remains kneeling for a while muttering prayers. Levi sits next to him with Falco's help.

First, he mourns for the good and noble Moblit. He was good company. The silence between him and Levi was never awkward as many thought. He did not think much of his death after recovering Maria and regrets it very much.

On the other hand, with Hange, Levi had planned to tell them that he was surely a pain in the ass wherever they were. Contrary to that, the only thing that can come out of his mouth is a tiny prayer.

"Forgive me, Hange."

He's sure Onyankopon was more and better friend to them than he was since he met them. Since Levi's decision made Hange Commander, they went almost everywhere together, but that Levi and Hange were together didn't mean much. Nothing, really. During those four years there was a tension between Hange and Levi that nothing could erase. Hange confronted Levi and yelled at him a few times for his foolish decision and Levi, instead of giving them some kind of support or an apology just kept quiet, preferring to drown in his mourning without thinking that he wasn't the only one suffering. 

He finds it a shame that the first honest moment with them after Shinganshina was up to the forest. 

The only consolation he has is that Hange died the only way they ever wanted to: the classic way in the Corps, at the hands of the titans. 

It is curious that Mike and Nanaba died the same way, as well as Moblit and Hange. One were eaten alive and the other two were burned.

After a while, Levi and Onyankopon stand up and to tell by Gabi's tense body, she knows where they are going. 

At first glance they notice the difference between the previous graves. The stone that reads Sasha's name is much newer and there are fewer riotous tombstones. 

Levi lets Gabi put the flowers in the granite vase. Onyankopon and he keep Gabi company, who does not cry but looks so small in the face of what she considers her great sin. He killed many people before Sasha but it was her, her death and her family that showed Gabi another reality.

Levi always liked Sasha. He once called her a potato girl and her frustrated expression was enough to make him never want to call her that again. He recalls that at her funeral some cadets called her that and Jean sharply demanded that they never do it again.

"It was much more than that anecdote." Jean whispered angrily to Levi looking at the cadets. "She was my friend. Silly at times, but stupidly brave,"

Levi nodded. "Think of those memories as sacred. Yours alone. And Connie's fool too."

Falco squeezes Gabi's shoulder giving her comfort. She looks at him and sighs, returning her eyes to the grave.

"I feel bad that her death made me a better person. I mean, that the consequences...." Gabi moistens her lips nervously. "That I killed her. Everything that happened took a blindfold off my eyes."

"Gabi," Onyankopon tells her in warning. So far Levi notices the dried tear marks on her face. "It's not your fault. We were all victims of circumstance, don't ever forget that."

Gabi nods scratching the grass. "I know. But it's one of those things that never goes away." She sighs again and mumbles a ‘Sorry and thank you’ before standing up which ends her visit with Sasha.

Levi opens his eyes and in terror directs his gaze to the nearly empty basket were it not for a bouquet of Edelweiss. Oh God . They'd visited everyone so quickly? Was there really no one else missing? He mentally goes over every name and the only one missing is Erwin Smith.

Part of him doesn't want to go, because it's like letting go. Another part of him needs to go because it was also part of a promise. 

"I promise never to leave you alone." Levi assured him, how many times? The night he discovered how lonely Erwin's life had been. When he was on bed rest for the loss of his right arm. In moments of pure sincere love. On the night before Shinganshina. When he went for his bones.

There were so many promises to Erwin. 

"No one will take you away from me."

"I will kill and bring you the head of the Beast Titan."

Intangible oaths. Levi kept his part. Erwin did not.

"Let's save humanity together, Levi."

"Stay with me forever."

Promises, promises. One thread, one connection, two hearts beating in the same harmony. 

Levi is afraid and nervous. Yet, he can do it. He can go to his Commander. Previously if it was with Erwin, he could do anything. If it was for Erwin too. And Levi has always been faithful, loyal and devoted. 

Wetting his lips he says. "I think I'll go by myself."

Levi assumes they already figured that out but still at his statement Falco gives him a quick hug. "Of course, take as much time as you need."

"We'll be there waiting for you." Onyankopon clarifies without referring to any specific location. To make it easier for him to walk, they just hand Levi the bouquet instead of the whole basket. 

"Yeah, okay." Levi hinges shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

Falco and Onayn nod, turning around. Gabi squeezes his hand before following them. "Good luck."

They start to walk away and Levi knows he has to do the same. With a defeated sigh he turns around, immediately finding a few yards away the spot where he knows Erwin is buried. He is not next to the previous Commanders in the mausoleum in the cemetery, but is buried next to his soldiers in a tombstone just like all the ones around him. 

Levi knew that Erwin's name would become famous and everyone would make his grave a museum. He heard a rumor that they wanted to place him in the crypts of the palace in Mitras which to Levi meant they wanted to make his bones a damn attraction so Levi wanted to bury him in a secluded and secret place. 

To this day, Levi doesn't know who the hell told Nile that he went for Erwin's remains. Either way the two ended up fighting over where they would bury him.

"I wanted him too! I love him!" Nile yelled at Levi, who was breathing heavily from the anger he was carrying. "And I understand your reasons. But please bury him here, with his friends and comrades. If you bury him somewhere unknown and alone, I won't stand for it. And I imagine you won't either."

And so for the first time Levi and Nile agreed on something. He buried him in the graveyard in an ordinary tomb inconspicuous enough among so many dead. He only agreed to Nile's proposal because Levi didn't want Erwin to be alone for the rest of eternity.

Catching his breath and ready to stop stalling for time, Levi tightens his grip on his cane and clutches the Edelweiss. Okay, here goes. It's time to decide whether he will live on the memories or live with the memories. So he starts walking. 

His heart pounds slowly but his beats are thunderous. His stomach empties and his body breaks out in a cold sweat.

Every step steals a bit of his breath and every second he is closer to him. Levi's chest expands and contracts continuously. Teeth clench his jaw tightly. Eyes look straight ahead. And his mind plays back every moment, every second, every smile, kiss and hug he had with Erwin. All the love, all the laughter and all the despair of those six years he was by his side.

Six years. The shortest of eternities for Levi. 

***

"Erwin," A haggard Levi hissed at him in warning in the middle of the night. "If you snore again, I swear you will go without sex for a whole month." 

Ever since that night the blond had been trying with all his might not to snore. Levi allowed him to do it again just because he looked tender asleep. 

***

Erwin hated to lose. He'd fuss like a damn spoiled brat, grimacing unpleasantly which made Levi chuckle. 

***

"What's up with that cut?" Levi approached Erwin worriedly who was barring the way to his room and nervously covering his forearm which was dripping blood.

He blond shifted nervously hiding his wound, "It's nothing." 

"Erwin," Levi inhaled, holding back his anger. "Who did this to you? Tell me the truth, nothing's wrong. I swear I'm going to kill who–,"He fell silent when Erwin removed himself from the door and showed that inside the room, on the table where two plates with food and two wine glasses plus candles warmly illuminating the room. 

"I wanted to surprise you," Erwin explained, "But as you can tell cooking is not my forte," He scratched the back of his head. "And I cut myself by accident and I think it was a very–," Levi interrupted him with a chaste kiss on the lips. 

"Shut up. Let's go inside to fix you up before you die or somethin'."  

***

Erwin liked to draw. Levi found sketches of him. 

***

"Is it for me?" Levi asked, stunned feeling the heat rise to his face when Erwin held out a bouquet of flowers. 

The blond laughed. "For who else? Here Lee, they're Edelweiss. They mean eternal devotion." 

That time, Levi wanted with all his heart to shout to the world how much he loved Erwin Smith. His chest flared uncontrollably with love that day. But he decided to keep quiet. They could not afford to express it openly. 

***

Erwin liked cardigans in autumn colors. 

***

"C' mon, get up." Erwin stood up from his chair which squeaked against the floor.

Levi strained against the back of the chair at the other's enthusiasm. "For what?"

Erwin drew his eyebrows together in amusement "We're going to a gala..."

"You forced me to go to a gala." Levi corrected him.

"And less than a minute ago you admitted you can't dance," He said ignoring the complaint. " Let's go, stand up."

"Erwin I don't want to–," Levi grumbled not because of some makeshift dance lessons but because he was embarrassed that he didn't know anything in front of Erwin.

The blond didn't give a shit about Levi's annoyed grumbles and hisses, however these vanished as soon as Erwin held him by the waist and guided his hand to his shoulder. Levi could clearly hear both of their heartbeats. 

"Just follow me." Erwin whispered, caressing his hand. Levi bit his lip blushing because, since when did he not follow Erwin? What kind of order was that? 

He stepped on him a few times, but didn't care much. None of them really. They were locked in their own world, their bodies glued together swaying in a silent dance to Erwin's humming and compliments. 

***

Erwin had moles. Eight on his face and seventeen on his chest. Ten on the right arm and thirteen on the left. Two on the buttocks, one on the sole of the foot and twenty on both legs.

***

"I know you don't like your birthdays, but you're not going to deny that you enjoyed this one." Levi said, hugging him from behind. 

"Yes, it was a beautiful day, Levi." Erwin said with a smile without taking his eyes off the little chocolate cake. "Since you woke me up, the horse ride, the visit to the fields and this dinner. I can't think of a better birthday." 

"And so be it, Blondie. Because I did my best with everything."

Erwin kissed the back of his hand "You made it the best, of course." 

Levi put a tiny candle on the cake. Then he kissed Erwin's cheek. 

"Happy birthday, Ervy ."

***

Erwin who had supposedly already smoked. Liar. The time Levi gave him a cigarette Erwin choked back tears and a coughing attack from the taste. Levi kissed him laughing.

***

"Take that face off, Levi." 

"I won't, asshole," He replied disgustedly, "Not until you take that thing down and put it on the floor." 

Erwin continued to play with the bug between his fingers. "It's a beetle–," 

"I don't care what it is!" Levi mumbled. "Just put it down." 

Erwin snorted but left the bug in a potted plant. 

"When I was a kid I collected them," he recounted wistfully. "The bodies of dead insects that were intact I kept and sorted." 

Levi grimaced in disgust. "If you liked them so much you would have gone to the damned Underground where there are nests of those things." 

Erwin froze and from then on never held another bug in front of Levi. 

***

Erwin liked sour things. 

The man who made the cutest pouts in the world. He curved his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. Everyone found that expression frightening. Levi thought it was the cutest thing. 

The Commander who was afraid of the dark. If Levi was not with him at night, there was always a candle burning. 

One day while kissing, Erwin tripped over Levi before reaching the bed, knocking them both down on the wooden floor. They both laughed uncontrollably at how dumb they looked.

The man who constantly hated the way he looked for reminding him of his father. 

Who laughed with the force of a thousand suns.  

He would roll up his shirt sleeves to help him clean up. 

Who wrote an 'E' and an 'L' on any surface that could be written on. 

The light, the reason for the continuous beating of Levi's heart and the owner of his soul.

Who was, is and will be his eternal love. 

Erwin. Erwin. Erwin . 

Levi doesn't know how to breathe when he has him in front of him. When he has him under his feet.

There's a little metallic taste on his tongue and he knows he's been biting the inside of his cheek since he started walking here. He doesn't blink and he doesn't breathe because he feels like he doesn't have permission to do so after accomplishing this feat of making it this far when he thought it was impossible. Yet, unbelievably, the world keeps turning. Nothing has happened. Everything keeps moving forward as it has been doing for eighteen years.

Levi bites his lip and can't see anything but vague figures with blurred edges. Even now he notices how blurred his vision is by tears.

Because he is finally standing next to his Erwin. 

The gasps increase in volume when Levi tries to speak.

"Hey, Ervy," He croaks the nickname by which Erwin's father and Levi called him between indistinguishable words coming out through the lump in his throat. "You look like shit." Says in a broken voice before bursting into tears, collapsing carelessly into the grass oblivious to the likely pain in his knees later.

Kenny once told him that men don't cry. And true to his uncle's word, Levi followed his rule most of the time. He didn't when Erwin died, when he went for his bones, when he was afraid and when it was necessary to do so. It took him time to understand but he already knows that crying is liberation . 

Since Erwin died, Levi only mourned him silently only a couple of times blocking out his feelings. At his home in Marley it was the same most of the time, breaking the habit of quiet crying a few times, bawling and sobbing until his throat burned and he couldn't articulate words.

His chest is wracking with the sobs of pain that burst from his lips. He's not being loud but he feels his pitiful moans shake the trees and the ground anyway. 

His life ended with Erwin. The life Levi knew ended the moment he wanted to let him rest in peace. For many years Levi was a living dead only kept sane by anger. Revenge, hatred blinded him, being his only constant after Erwin's death. The promise was the only thing that kept him afloat. And after fulfilling it, he was completely empty. 

"Erwin..." Levi says between sobs that barely allow him to catch his breath to speak. "I–,"

It's unheard of, it's impossible that the world could have kept moving forward without Erwin in it.

Levi buries his fingers in the grass hard, feeling the earth dig into his fingernails. A fact that has him careless, because he wants to dig his own hands into the earth until they are raw to touch Erwin because the pain is as fresh as if not a day has passed since he left.

More than ever, Levi understands the importance of truly mourning a person you loved with everything you have. It's heartbreaking to have your mind and heart clouded with grief. It's a raw pain that burns and sweeps everything away.

Before, the thought of Erwin leaving his side never crossed his mind. Levi had always thought he would die under Erwin's command. Not exactly because he asked him to or ordered him to die, because he was no fool, Levi knew his Commander would never do that. But Levi had thought it would be for him, dying in a battle where his fall would favor the others and help Erwin go towards where he always imagined. Clearly nothing of the sort happened, since it was Levi's order that sent Erwin to a certain and agonizing death. And it was Levi who went beyond, who breathed the fresh air outside the walls and who saw the sea.

In these years with no fights but his own in his head, Levi had another view of life. Just as death was painful, unjust, and snatches away what is most precious, there was also life. Joyful, beautiful and why not? Painful too at the end of the day. Life and death were the same. Whenever there was one there was the other and that was what made them both so special.

Levi takes a breath of air as he feels the tears slowing in quantity and coming out more controlled along with the rhythm of his sobs. 

"Hello, Ervy." He greets again in a slurred voice but clearer than a while ago. "Did you miss me?"

Finally there Levi was, in front of the sun that could never go down.

"You gave me the world. Now I bring it to you." Levi lovingly (also carelessly, because the aftermath of crying had not stopped) places the Edelweiss bouquet in the granite vase. "I bring you the world I have built without you by my side."

And that, once as impossible as immortality, Levi was able to achieve it. How? He thinks about it and finds no answer that fully describes how he was able to continue. 

Freedom, the end of the war, didn't feel right without Erwin. He had to create new dreams, new hopes and purposes as the world Levi used to know was so radically distorted that even in his moments of dim lucidity he doubted if he ever lived in the harshness of the Underground. 

"There's so much I want to tell you," Levi says, stretching his bad leg out on the grass. It feels slightly damp but he cares little. "I was never good with words and you knew that–, I mean, and you know that better than anyone." He corrects himself since he doesn't want to allow himself to talk about Erwin in the past tense in front of him. 

"Sorry if I stole this from you," Levi apologizes, stroking the bolo tie with his thumb. "But I knew I'd feel worse if I didn't take something of yours." The moment he left Erwin's body in that Shinganshina house, after Levi sang his favorite song to him he delicately snatched the pendant from him. "Anyway, I compensated you by giving you my cravat so that you won't be left with nothing." 

The cravat he always wore around his neck belonging to one of his mother's nightgowns, he wrapped it around Erwin's bones so he wouldn't forget Levi's scent. 

"Tch," He clicks, resuming the conversation. "Did I tell you about how much I hated it when we each got one just like yours?" Levi asks the air, nodding at the emerald object. "I acted like a jerk after the ceremony. I scowled at everyone —in that way you said was cute— who wore it. I'm not lyin’ when I tell you that on a day when I woke up in a shitty mood I came within an inch of ripping them off the necks of the kids and Hange. But I didn't and that was only thanks to the fact that I didn't feel like doing anything since..." Levi hesitates, biting his lower lip. "Since... since you left." 

After Erwin's death, it went unnoticed how much of an empty shell Levi had become. In fact, Reiner told Gabi that when he saw Levi again in the Rumbling he was surprised to see how much older and thinner his former Captain had become. 

Shaking his head Levi shrugs it off. "Whatever, I'm just stalling to avoid getting more sentimental than I already am. But can you blame me, Blondie? You can't blame me for being a crybaby when you'll always be my fucking happiness."

How was it possible that someone could be someone's motive and reason for existence? Love would always be as mysterious as it was heartbreaking and beautiful. 

Levi sighs smoothing the fabric of his pants. "I was empty for so long, Erwin. There are days when I still feel just as hollow. Bad days, days so shitty that they slowly consume me until I feel like I'm nothing. That I wander in existence without being nothing ."

Oh, and how Levi hated the concept of nothing. Nothing to do for the dead, nothing to do to stop Erwin from going to Shiganshina, no strength in him. Nothing, nothing, nothing . 

"But..." Levi continues’ "I couldn't get stuck. I had to move forward somehow. You know, get ahead like I've always had to do." Ever since his mother died he's been doing that: getting ahead in spite of all the people who left him behind. 

Levi lifts his chin haughtily because it's the least he can do to show the self-pride that comes from being able to carry on and exist in a 'peaceful' world completely unknown to him. 

"So I opened my heart to all that exists." He declares with the light breeze gently moving his hair. "Erwin, I learned to have regrets and I think it's the best thing I could have done.

"I'm not saying that what you taught me was wrong or that you had shit on your mind. I'm not saying that. No regrets was the best way of life in the world back then. But, in a world without fighting and without war, the only thing that lived in my mind were the regrets I wouldn't allow myself to feel." Levi swallows. His mouth went dry for his words. "And yet I don't think I'll ever fully heal. But I've healed a lot. Can you believe that for a while I became afraid of needles? I used to get panic attacks at the sight of them."

He is so embarrassed to remember the day they took him to the hospital for blood tests. His blood pressure had dropped or something like that in the morning and while in the hospital, when the nurse approached him with a needle to inject him in the arm, Levi made an unimaginable fuss. He screamed, kicked and almost hit Onyankopon in the face with his cane. When he returned home no one said anything at all, but Levi trembled because he understood that his panic attack was never due to the needle, but to the memory of the choice he had in his hands. Memories of the day he became a judge and murdered his great love.

Does he regret it? Sometimes. He regrets having done it when the pain burns in his chest and panic covers his mind. However, if he could go back in time and change anything about that morning in Shinganshina, Levi would leave everything the same. 

How many times Levi watched him knowing that a part of Erwin wanted to die even though Levi tried with all his heart to be everything Erwin wanted and needed so he wouldn't feel that way.

Floch might be one of the most hateful sons of bitches Levi had the misfortune of meeting but he was thankful the fucker had opened his eyes. It was horrifying how Floch first stated that he was going to kill Erwin but then demanded that he wanted him alive so he would suffer more. How many more people wanted that from Erwin? They wanted Erwin to lead them to freedom but along the way they would not allow him to have a second of peace from all the people who had died at his command.

He wouldn't change anything as long as the world would stop wanting to use Erwin to their advantage while still calling him a demon. 

He chose Armin's life so that Erwin could rest and be free of his pain since he loved him too much. He gave Erwin death and in doing so saved him, choosing his happiness and peace over his own.

There are times when Levi regrets as well the consequences of his decision. And anyway, there is no better thing than knowing that he took Erwin from them because they didn't deserve him. No one deserved him.

Yes, Levi felt like his wings were being ripped off when he died. Yet, there is the peace of knowing that Erwin went in the purest way possible, he died as the child who was forced to disappear from his soul too soon.

Levi gifted him with peace and Erwin bestowed his last smile.

"Levi, thank you."

His great treasure and the only one who knows of its existence.

It was always predicted that one of the two would suffer. Levi decided that it would not be Erwin,

"There are times when the past blocks out the present," Levi bites his lip, pausing, his fingers stroking the wood of his cane, " When I start to wonder if you really loved me the way I loved you. Yeah, I sound like a selfish bastard, don't I?" He laughs dryly "How could I think of that when you left everything behind because of my words? How could I think of such garbage when it was me who knew you better than anyone else?"

Levi laughs. "You don't find it hard to believe that we were everything as well as nothing? For God's sake, you gave me your last name! We were like... " He wants to say husbands but the word dies on his tongue. "You know what I mean. We were almost like that , just without that name.  We never concretized what we were specifically somethin’ so big and intense. Because between the two of us we were always more about actions than words." 

In his heart his real name is Levi Smith. In his Corps documents to which only Erwin had access, he was listed with that last name. 

Erwin and Levi Smith.  

It sounds nice, precious and beautiful, and that's why it's something he's not willing to share. It was a secret between Erwin and him on a cold October night and he wants to keep it that way forever. And even if he wanted to call himself that, he can't since those papers no longer exist and have no value other than to have it tattooed on his soul.

Beyond names, they were husbands. 

One night when the crickets were the orchestra, the fireflies were the chandeliers and their uniforms were expensive and elegant suits, Erwin proposed to him in the language that only the two of them understood. 

 "Would you like to be by my side forever, Levi?" Erwin asked with shining eyes tugging at him, holding Levi's hands in his heart. 

And he, blind with love with a heart about to explode, only nodded murmuring, "Yes." several times before pulling him to his lips in a kiss with desperate movements and warm breaths. 

"And I know it's absurd to be asking you so many questions if I know you'll never answer me. You'll stay silent like you've been silent for over a fucking decade." It's been so silent that Levi always has to concentrate to bring Erwin's deep, beautiful voice into his head. 

Levi scratches the short hairs on the back of his neck. "I talk to you every day, but I don't know if you hear me from my house. Anyway I'll tell you," Levi clears his throat shyly. "I'm not alone, I live with people who love me. Y'know, Onyankopon, Falco and Gabi. I've known them almost twice the years I've known you."

“You'd love them all. You would talk politics and science with Onyan on the porch and Gabi will love to play board games with you to see if she can beat you. And I don't know how, but my gut tells me you'd have favoritism for Falco. They could never get enough of you because they'd be thrilled with your presence which has always been fucking brilliant. After all, with you too much is too little. You've always had that power."

Oh, and the power Erwin held to make Levi the happiest person in the world. He looked at him with devotion, love and affection like he was the most beautiful fucking thing on the planet.

Levi snorts knowing he's going to change the subject to something less pleasant.

"You know that I killed Zeke, but the hatred for him is still in me. It's normal, I guess. Some things you just can't forgive. I get it, he was a victim of circumstance like we all were but I don't care." 

Levi exhales looking at the sky. "However, you must know that the hatred wasn't just for him. It was also hatred for myself. I'll say it again, I know what you're goin’ to say. Some bullshit about how nothing that happened is my fault but I feel that way."

"Killing Zeke didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse because there was something about him that bound me to you. It hurt me to kill him for breaking the last thing tangible between us. It took me a few years to understand, though, that killing the Beast Titan gave meaning to your death. Not your life." 

Levi starts to pull as best he can the dirt from his fingernails that got under his fingernails earlier. "Revenge was easier than forgiving myself. I wanted to heal but, how could I if I wouldn't let myself feel any of it?" 

His eyes begin to water again, only now the tears flow peacefully. 

"Every day that passes I forget you more and more. It's one more day without your presence in this world. It's unfair that I have to remember you for longer than I knew you." It will forever seem impossible to him how only six years was enough to forget what life was like, what it was like to live without Erwin. 'Forever' was relative. Sometimes they could last an eternity and sometimes only a second. "My head may forget you; from how you looked to your smell and voice. But my soul never will, because my heart loves you more every day if possible."

"You fell in love with the Levi you saw flying in the Underground. The man with inhuman strength and speed and the one they called the strongest of humanity. The one who could hug your hips with his legs and could carry you without complications. Would you love me as I am now? My guess is that you would, but I will always have the wish that you could see with your own eyes who I have become."

Levi had become a domestic as Erwin said. And he wished that wherever he was he could see it in his daily life: while knitting and embroidering the tablecloths they had at home, when he helped Falco water the plants and tend the small vegetable garden in the backyard, the times he baked cookies and decorated desserts with Gabi, and the afternoon walks with Onyan and their pets in the park. 

That Erwin knew Levi never misses a sunset and that he started wearing glasses. That Levi recently started to comb his hair backwards highlighting his gray hair even more and that he likes to hum when he is concentrating on something.

As well as Levi sleeps more. He has compensated a lifetime of insomnia in recent years with the very long naps he takes. His body is no longer firm in some parts and his skin has softened. Wrinkles have appeared on his face and hands. Things Levi will never witness in Erwin. 

With the back of his hand, Levi wipes his watery eyes that don't see clearly. "Knowing that I am older, that I have lived longer than you existed always makes me cry. It is so unfair that you are as much my weakness as my strength." Levi whines with a pout on his anxiety bitten lips. 

Taking a deep breath, Levi says, "It's always terrified me to think about what you saw last or what you thought." His stomach shrinks whenever it occurs to him that the last thing Erwin's eyes caught were rocks. what was the last thing he thought about? More than hoping, Levi wishes Erwin hopefully thought of him. In their kisses, smiles, looks and hugs. In the happiness they both brought each other.

Just as he wishes the last thing Erwin heard was Levi's voice. Not even that he heard his words, he just wishes he left with his voice in his ears.

"Tsk, I think I've been much of a downer like this in a while. I hope you haven't been bored because I didn't travel all this way for my meaningless words to bore you." He mocks himself. "I'll tell you about something else I know you'll like. You've always liked weddings. Guess what, Blondie? There's going to be one in the spring and it's Gabi and Falco's. Can you believe it? My brats, our kids, are getting married."

And for a while Levi talks to the grave about everything he can think of. He tells her about how disappointing the sea was after the impression at first sight because for six years he had seen a more beautiful one in Erwin´s eyes. He tells about his therapy sessions, both physical and mental. He mentions everything he has learned in school and about all the beautiful scenery he has seen in his various travels.

He talks until his mouth feels dry and the words are gone from his head because he has said everything that could be conveyed in words. There is still more he wants to say but the only way to tell it is through his eyes and feelings.

Levi really doesn't know how much time has passed since he arrived at Erwin's grave. Not much less than two hours by the position of the sun in the sky. If Levi stares at the clouds, he can detect the constant movement of them without stopping for any second. It is the same with his existence, full of unknowns in which he debates and imagines what would have happened if things had been different. Does it matter? Not at all. Imagining the possibilities of the various alternatives will not help at all. The only thing that matters is the decision Levi can make now. Now he has made the pass with the only thing that was missing: with the memory of Erwin and himself.

Since he has done it he feels that the air is fresher and the colors shine brighter. Inevitably, his lips curl into a tiny smile.

With a soft chuckle, Levi half-crawls over, lifting his butt slightly off the grass to reach Erwin's gravestone less than three feet away from him. He doesn't think twice before chastely brushing his lips against the granite. Tears paint the stone darker in color. 

Slowly, he pulls away with a tiny smile as he continues to cry, tracing with his fingers the letters of the name of the man who changed his outlook on life. 

In a way, this feels like closing a cycle, a stage of his life. And Levi knows that the only way to do that is to say those words. 

"I love you." Levi says silently, just moving his lips. 

If anyone were to ask him how many times he and Erwin said those words to each other, Levi would simply say not once. Erwin probably said them the same way he did: mentally, when the other was already asleep and behind his back. It was too dangerous to say it out loud. It would be like breaking the spell of their fantasies and falling into harsh reality. Besides, it was something they both already knew. 

Still, how Levi longs to ever see the movement of Erwin's lips as he said those powerful words. Erwin is gone now, but Levi won't let that take away the pleasure of telling the air how much he loves him to shake off that fear and sense of protectiveness. 

"I love you." He repeats louder and more confidently. "Thank you for everything . For setting me free and giving me purpose. I hope that letting you go was as great a gift as your presence in my life. I love you Erwin, my Erwin Smith." 

The absence still hurts but now it feels like a slight itch in his chest. It no longer suffocates him or makes Levi want to rip his heart out. There will be bad days when it will be like a freshly made wound that stings every second but it felt good to finally make contact with the earth that hurt him too many times. 

He won't willingly forget anything. Levi will try at all costs to make the best of all the bad experiences to be a better person. It doesn't matter that it will take him the rest of his life. He's still here for a reason; it's not exactly the one he always hoped for and yet he knows that if it were in his power he wouldn't leave Gabi, Falco and Onyankopon alone. They love him and Levi learned to love with his broken heart.

He must do it for and to them. For the living by his side and for the dead waiting for him on the other side.

Unable to stop smiling, Levi reluctantly gets up with some complications and grumbling murmurs. 

Standing up, he catches a glimpse out of the corner of his eye as Onyankopon approaches along with Gabi and Falco towards him. He hopes they have eaten something while he talked to Erwin.

"Levi!" Gabi runs up to him and looks him up and down quickly. 

"What?"

Gabi stares at him for a few seconds. Then, she shakes her head nonchalantly, "Nothing. Nothing's wrong."

Falco arrives along with Onyankopon at his side.

"Are you okay?" they both ask almost at the same time examining Levi.

Levi rolls his eyes at their clear concern. He's not sure if they saw him break in front of Erwin. But their concern warms him all the same. They don't do it out of pity after all. It's nice to be held in such esteem. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You better be." Gabi says taking him by the hands.

"I am, believe me," Levi repeats. He clears his throat shortly. "Kids, I want to introduce you to someone," With his cane pointed at the headstone in front of him "This is Erwin Smith. Erwin, this is Falco and Gabi. You know Onyankopon, Hange introduced you to him years ago."

Onyankopon bows his head. "Nice to see you again, Erwin."

Gabi and Falco just stare at the tombstone.

"God," Falco mutters. "This is so surreal."

"Why?"

"You've talked about him so much that we always felt like we knew Erwin at some point," Gabi explains "But now in front of him, —well above him—, we realize that we practically never met him. We don't even know what his voice was like."

"Wow," Levi clicks his tongue. "What a great discovery." He comments sarcastically.

Gabi rolls her eyes at him. "Shut up, Levi."

"Ehm," Falco clears his throat. Levi first thinks he shut them both up, but then realizes the boy is about to introduce himself. "Hello, Mr. Erwin. I'm Falco Grice, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"I'm Gabi Braun, sir. My pleasure."

"I'm sorry that we have to meet like this," Falco continues "First, I want to thank you for being at Levi's side. You most likely already know this, but you completely changed his life."

"That's right," Gabi nods fervently, "He's talked about you so much that we even know your whole love story backwards and forwards."

"For God's sake..." Levi says pretending to be annoyed. Inside his heart is exploding with love because for Levi it's as if Gabi and Falco are meeting their other father, the one they never knew. As soon as he thinks that, Levi is ashamed of himself and swears to himself that he will never tell the brats that. If he did, he would die of shame.

For a little while, Gabi and Falco talk their heads off telling Erwin about everything, who unfortunately can't shut them up.

"By the way!" Gabi exclaims blushing and holds Falco's hand between hers. "Mr. Erwin, we invited you to our wedding!" 

Again, Levi starts to cry. Onyankopon notices and with a smile hugs him.

"Yes," Falco says fully flushed. "You can sit next to Levi."

"Listen," Levi suddenly interrupts them without trying to hide the tears. Gabi and Falco frown sadly when they see him cry "When I die, I don't care how but I want my bones to be next to Erwin's."

For a few seconds no one says anything.

"Oh, Levi," Gabi complains. "Don't say that, you'll make me cry."

Falco intertwines his fingers with his fiancée's. "Yes, Levi. It's okay. As long as you don't leave before the wedding it's fine."

Amazingly, Levi laughs, "Don't worry. I wouldn't miss that for the world."

Moments later they have to leave. Levi would like to stay here all the time in the world but it's no good wanting to keep the dead alive for too long. Onyan, Falco and Gabi say goodbye with sweet words.

Levi doesn't say goodbye. He doesn't want to. Firstly, because he doesn't feel like it and secondly because he has done it too many times already. Instead, he just kisses his fingers and places them on the granite of the grave.

There are pieces of Erwin that he left marked in Levi's soul and that is why he has peace. The world has been cruel and foul but capriciously intertwined their stories, finding what they both needed giving meaning to their existence. Their story did not end well, and yet, no better thing could have happened than meeting each other.

Levi and Erwin created such a strong bond based on promises, love, devotion and trust. So it's practically impossible that they won't meet again if they built such a thing.

Levi undoubtedly knows that somehow they will end up together again. He knows that their paths will unexpectedly meet again. These are banal and foolish hopes, but doesn't that make one human? To believe in something fervently to the point of taking it for granted that it will happen? It doesn't matter what Levi believes in, though, since now that he has come face to face with Erwin he knows that when his time here is over, he will be reunited with the love of his life.

My heart will keep beating for you, love. Levi thinks as he walks forward. It will always be you Erwin.

Levi notices several people around him living their day to day lives realizing that right now he is living and it is his responsibility to know how to do it.

Anger and guilt are better than tears and grief. However, isn't it better to let them flow? To stop them is to stop you from going on, cloistering your existence in a cell because the fear of what lies beyond stops life. 

The memories will always hurt him as well as save him. There is that nostalgia and memories that are part of him whether he likes it or not because life stole as well as gave.

Decisions, promises and oaths. Intangible and irreversible. Levi knows he can't change anything, and he can't blame himself continuously for things that were not in his hands. He does not have the power for that, but he does have the power to decide how to go on, how to live now. 

He has existed in fear of being happy for years. It is time for him to get out of that prison he built for himself to forbid himself to live without existing.

When he reaches the exit, he knows that he has broken down the walls he wanted to stay in for so long. For Levi, to love has always meant letting go. He had done so with all the people he'd ever cared about and the most essential one was missing: himself.

Before passing through the entrance gate of the cemetery, Levi debates whether to look back or not. In the end he decides yes and turns his gaze in Erwin's direction. 

He mentally repeats to him again how much he loves him before moving on. 

Then Levi smiles and follows in the footsteps of his waiting family ahead.

It is a beautiful day.