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The problem : You, a rank-and-file Fatui soldier, have just witnessed your boss, the second of the Fatui Harbingers, scream at the sky and drop dead. You have a week until your ship arrives back at Zapolyarny Palace and you have to explain to the Tsaritsa how you managed to let one of her most precious Harbingers die.
The solution : You pretend he’s alive for as long as possible, so that when he is found dead later, it will be considered entirely unrelated to the time you were supposed to keep him safe.
The method : Lie. Like. A. Dog.
Step 1 : Figure out how many witnesses need to be handled. There are three Fatui soldiers on the ship (a Cryo Cicin Mage, an Electrohammer Vanguard, and a Pyroslinger) and one ship captain. Gather said witnesses and plan with them. If they disagree with the plan to save your own ass, throw them overboard.
“Wait, Molniya, why can’t we just throw the Doctor’s corpse overboard?”
“Because they’ll wonder why we didn’t come back with him!”
“But–”
Be very careful to not throw your coworker, Motylek, overboard. She is on your side and you will need her help. Even if her constant questioning of your ideas stresses you out, do not throw her overboard. It wouldn’t even kill her. She’s got a cryo delusion and she would chase you down across the water all the way back to Snezhnaya.
Once all witnesses agree to the plan to not get turned into human sorbets, you may proceed to step 2.
Step 2 : Evaluate the corpse. None of you have any medical knowledge, so the responsibility will fall on Iskra, who did three weeks of training in the Fatui’s medical course before he realized he was too squeamish around corpses. Yes, this is an issue. But it must be handled with the strength and bravery of a Snezhnayan winter.
“No! No no no no, I’m not touching his corpse!”
“It’s fine! There isn’t even any blood!”
“But – what if he’s not even dead and he suddenly springs awake and kills me for touching him?”
“Then we’ll be sure to give a good speech at your funeral.”
When eventually Iskra is able to handle the corpse (with three shots of fire-water under his belt), do not panic when you see that the body has shown no signs of decay and seems less and less human the more you look at it. Do not think too hard about who – or what – you’ve spent the last few years of your life working under.
Instead, focus on the good news! You won’t have to find a way to disguise the smell of rotting flesh!
Step 3 : Morale and camaraderie is a necessity. Pat Iskra gently on the back as he empties the contents of his stomach into the ocean. He is doing his best.
Step 4 : It’s time to get creative! This ship moonlights delivering cargo back and forth between Sumeru and Snezhnaya. This means you have many raw materials to work with on your next art project.
You now need to work together with your coworkers and the ship’s captain to rig up some complex puppetry in order to pretend your boss is still alive. After all, if you just drag his corpse off of the ship, who will be fooled by that? Remember to be very careful and gentle, as the ship is still out on the open sea, and–
“Oh no, oh shit, oh – ISKRA, CATCH HIM!”
“I’M TRYING!”
“LODKA, HELP–”
“NO!”
Proceed to step 5.
Step 5 : So you have lost the corpse of your boss into the ocean. That’s fine, corpses float, right? Except you must remember that apparently your boss is a godless freak of nature with a body that exists beyond human definition. He sinks like a brick of lead. You lost him.
But this is not the end of the world. Hopefully.
Iskra is around the same height as the Doctor and of a similar build. His hair is more gray than blue, and his eyes are more orange than red, but if you dress him up in one of the Doctor’s spare coats and mask, maybe someone will fall for it.
“Oh archons, we’re so fucking fired.”
You are about to lose your job.
Step 6 : Iskra has not stopped crying in the past two hours. He is still very drunk. The good news is that his eye color now matches the Doctor’s a bit better. The bad news is that it doesn't matter at all, because the mask would hide it anyways.
When all hope seems to be lost, the solution is to be creative and think outside of the box. Motylek can use her cryo delusion to freeze Iskra’s hair into being a light blue. Everything is fine.
Yes, the shock from the cold made him pass out, but he’ll recover.
Step 7 : Share a bottle of fire-water with your fellow witnesses and commiserate for several hours. Iskra is still unconscious, so you need to take an extra shot in his stead. Because that’s how that works. Plan your own funerals, just in case.
Captain Lodka suggests turning the ship around and starting a new life in Fontaine. Motylek starts sobbing because she hates baguettes and cheese. You ponder sinking into the ocean.
You will arrive in Snezhnaya in three days.
Step 8 : Step off of the boat and be greeted by the grinning face of your boss, who is alive and not your coworker in a costume. Realize that you have died and gone to hell. Iskra is crying again. Your boss compliments his taste in fashion.
Motylek teleported away when nobody was looking. Lodka is faking amnesia.
You are definitely going to lose your job.