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"Why are ghosts so bad at lying?" asked the child on the radio.
Alison and Mike had gone out for an evening together at the Christmas markets, leaving a 'Holiday Special' on for the ghosts to listen to. They were sitting in the lounge; Julian and Robin playing chess again; Thomas, his eyes closed, composing no doubt; Humphrey, lying in Kitty's lap, in deep discussion with Fanny, while Kitty petted his hair; and Pat and the Captain reminiscing about their best conkers.
"Because you can see right through them!"
The radio hosts laughed and applauded the child, before introducing the next Christmas song.
"It's true," said Julian. "You lot couldn't lie to save your lives."
The Captain took personal offence at that statement. So, apparently, did Pat. "Oh give over," he said. "Like you can do better."
"I never lie," said Kitty sweetly. "That was a lie," she whispered to Humphrey, who grinned.
"Should have competition," said Robin. "Find best liar."
"That's preposterous," said Fanny. "How could we possibly have a lying competition?"
"Well," said the Captain. "Back when I was a cadet, there was… a game we used to play at the expense of our Commanding Officer."
The others looked intrigued, so the Captain continued. "We would tell him the most outrageous fabrications, and earn points when he believed them. At the end of the exercise, the winner would get first pick of the rations."
Excited muttering broke out.
"But who will be the judge?" asked Thomas.
A spirited discussion ensued.
"It's decided, then," announced the Captain. "I shall keep score, and we shall all lie to Alison. Of course, there must be rules…"
oOo
Rule 1: Fabrications must be of little consequence, and must not cause harm.
"Marvellous drug, Laudanum," said Fanny. "I used it every month in my youth."
"Really?" asked Alison from where she was curled up around a hot water bottle on the sofa.
"Oh, yes, 20 drops and I would be right as rain. No pain, and the most restful sleep."
"Wow," said Alison. "I almost wish…" she trailed off.
The Captain stared at Fanny, unsure if she was taking part in the game. 'One point to me', she mouthed, when Alison looked away.
"Laudanum was all the rage in my time," said Thomas. "Though I preferred to smoke my opium. It rendered me capable of my finest poetry; images of my childhood would spring to mind in glorious detail, and my perception of the present would be magnified beyond belief. Oh, such pleasurable sensations–"
Alison groaned.
"Yes, yes," said Thomas, flapping his hands to shush her. "Of course, there were some drawbacks, too. I once smoked a Turkish variety and dreamed I had performed my finest work to an adoring audience at Drury Lane."
"That doesn't seem so bad," said Alison.
"But," continued Thomas, "when I woke up the next day, I realised it had all had some basis in truth. Judging by the stains on my trousers, and feathers on my coat, I had in fact performed the whole thing to the cemetery ducks."
Alison blinked.
"Oh–okay," she said. "Thanks for sharing that."
The Captain marked a point down for Thomas too.
oOo
Rule 2: No ghost may contradict the fabrication of another ghost.
"I was just… going… to the toilet," said Julian, making a quick exit and probably bee-lining straight for the gift room.
Pat looked down at his feet and pulled his "I'm being very serious and definitely not laughing" face. The Captain felt his lips twitch in response.
"You guys go to the toilet?" asked Alison in disbelief.
There were nods all round.
"Still get the urge," said the Captain, straight-faced.
There was a pregnant pause as the ghosts looked at each other, and at Alison's growing horror.
"It just, err. Turn to dust," said Robin.
Fanny grimaced, and the Captain bit hard on the inside of his cheek, valiantly containing any trace of his amusement.
Points for everyone. Extras for Julian, Robin and himself.
oOo
Rule 3: Any fabrication which Alison repeats to Mike as fact will get two bonus points.
"Mike," said Alison, bursting into the bedroom. "You were right. The ghosts can fly!"
Mike gave her a puzzled frown from the bed.
"Robin and the Captain explained it all to me," she said, waving her arms in her excitement. "Robin's friend Clarence could float."
Mike opened his mouth, and then closed it again wordlessly, eyebrows drawing together.
"You know how the ghosts can walk through walls, right, but they can also sit on things. Well they can't actually sit on things."
Mike nodded slowly, putting his phone to one side.
"So what's happening is that they hover above the chair because they think they can sit on it, and Clarence worked that out and convinced himself he could fly and it worked!"
Mike blinked a couple of times, absorbing the information.
"So," he said. "Can any of your ghosts fly?"
"No, they don't believe in themselves enough."
In the wardrobe, Robin high-fived the Captain.
oOo
Rule 4: Bonus points may be awarded for particularly egregious fabrications.
"When I died," said Humphrey, "there were two swords above the mantle."
Alison turned on the couch to look at Humphrey, who had been propped up on the coffee table with a French travel guide.
"And– well," Humphrey explained. "My head wasn't quite cut cleanly off."
Alison's nose wrinkled.
"There was a little sliver between the two blades, you see– a slice if you will– which also became a ghost."
Alison covered her mouth.
"Sometimes," said Kitty sagely, twirling her skirts in her hands, "you can hear it slithering around in the night."
The Captain shuddered. Double points to Humphrey and Kitty.
oOo
Rule 5: Any ghost who is accused of lying by Alison shall lose points.
Rule 6: Any ghost who tells Alison about the game shall be disqualified.
"Question nine," said Pat. "One of us, in this room, has a third nipple."
The Captain woke up with a start.
"A: who is it, and B: where is it?"
That certainly wasn't one of Pat's normal questions.
Most of the others were staring at Pat, making the appropriate noises to signify the nipple wasn't theirs, without contradicting the original lie.
Alison looked around at them all, then dutifully wrote her answer down.
"And finally, question ten. What is the Captain's full name?"
Well. He'd missed almost the whole quiz.
The first eight answers were much the same as last year's– favourite colours and the like.
"The extra nipple," said Pat, "belongs to Kitty, and is located below her left breast."
"How could you even know that?" asked Alison dubiously.
Pat's eyes widened behind his glasses and he pulled at his shorts. His eyes darted to Kitty's, and she shrugged her shoulders at him.
"Well– I– Er– We've– ah– we slept together?" he squeaked out. "Repeatedly," he said with slightly more conviction.
Kitty covered her laughter with her hands. Fanny just looked scandalised.
"I– I don't believe you," said Alison, eyes narrowing. "You're lying."
The Captain made sure Alison wasn't looking before sending Pat a thumbs-down and mouthing 'one point'. Pat's shoulders slumped.
"Oh all right, fine, you've caught me out. I'm lying. But Cap started it!"
The Captain blustered wordlessly for a few seconds, pulling a look of surprised confusion.
"He made you lie to me?" asked Alison doubtfully, gesturing towards the Captain, who did his best to look innocent.
Pat nodded vigorously. "We've been lying to you all month as part of the Captain's competition."
"We certainly have not," said Fanny. This was backed up by a cacophony of dissent from the others. Points all round.
"I really didn't expect this from you, Pat," said Alison, crossing her arms.
Pat looked down at his shoes, face flushing.
"Moving on then," Alison said after a few seconds of silence. "What is your full name, Cap?"
"Oh. Well, it's Edmund Theodore John-Richard Rogers the Third. Junior. It was always rather a mouthful. I prefer Captain."
"That's a lovely name," Alison said with a small smile. "Very long though, I can see why you go by your rank."
"That's not even true!" whined Pat. "His name is–"
"Who do you think I'm more likely to believe here, Pat?" interrupted Alison, raising her arms in disbelief.
"But– but–" Pat stammered out, opening and closing his mouth.
The Captain waited until Alison had turned away before smugly mouthing 'disqualified'.
Pat glared.
oOo
Rule 7: Points totals will be calculated at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day.
Alison and Mike had more than a few friends over for New Year's Eve. The Captain and Robin were neck and neck, points-wise, with only a few hours to go, which was unacceptable.
He hadn't been able to catch Alison alone to tell her about the tank he had blown up with his hand grenade on the North Africa front, and Humphrey had just informed him he had overheard Robin telling her about the worms in his ears.
Damn it and blast it to hell.
It was time for drastic measures. He would have to tell the biggest, most outrageous lie in order to beat Robin now, and he only had a few hours. It would have to have some basis in truth, or she would never believe it, but he couldn't think– Julian would help him, if he agreed to split the prize, he was sure of it.
"Tell her we're fucking," said Julian.
Well, that was decidedly unhelpful.
"That's not– I couldn't– She didn't believe Pat," he finally said.
"Pat tried to tell her he had slept with Kitty."
"Yes, well," said the Captain, shuffling his feet. "She might believe you were– you know– but she'd never believe I would–"
Julian gave him a scathing look. "I've seen you staring at my legs," he said.
The Captain swallowed, ears heating.
"I– I'll tell her we're courting," he compromised.
Finding Alison was the next challenge, now that he knew what he was going to tell her. And even when he found her, getting her to listen was proving to be problematic.
"I have something I would like to tell you," he shouted over the music in the lounge.
"I need you to know–", he said, as she was dragged past him down the corridor, arm-in-arm with a friend.
"It's about a romantic entanglement," he tried to explain through the bathroom door.
And now they were out on the lawn, waiting for the fireworks to begin, and he was going to lose.
"Ten. Nine."
The countdown had begun, and he was out of time.
"Eight. Seven."
He turned, wide eyed and panicking towards Julian, and grabbed him by the tie.
"Six. Five."
He pulled him in, planting a firm kiss straight onto his warm lips. Julian froze against him.
There was whooping all around them from the other ghosts.
"Four. Three."
Julian began to kiss him back, moving his hands to bracket the Captain's hips.
"About time," he heard Alison say.
"Two. One."
He pulled back and grinned up at Julian, who looked somehow both shell shocked and extremely smug.
Cheering broke out as the fireworks went off.
And that was the win.