Chapter Text
Max had just landed at Geneva airport. Collecting his hand luggage then Luna, who was surprisingly still sleeping and tugged on his neck by the time he picked her up. He didn't think she could actually stay quiet for a 7 hours flight, so booking a night one was naturally the cleaver choice. He was tired himself, but for some unknown reason, he wasn't able to keep his eyes shut, not even for a quick nap. He switched between blockbuster movies and dumb reality shows to keep himself distracted during the trip. Anxiety taking over control, perhaps for the upcoming changes he would be facing at this new stage of his life.
Leaving New Amsterdam behind, again, but this time for Luna. His mind was wavering between thoughts from all those past five years. How everything has changed. How his idea of future has changed. He certainly would never guess moving alone with Luna to another country, especially for a job like this.
Although he felt like his mission at New Amsterdam had come to an end he couldn't help but feeling sad for leaving it behind. At least he had the reassurance of leaving it in good hands, as Wilder and Reynolds had stepped up as Medical Director and Deputy, this time he didn't doubt his legacy would be respected and continued.
Max was slightly surprised when Wilder said yes. They were in a sort of relationship, even though no strings were putting out, they had been enjoying each other's company for three months or so when he received WHO's proposal for this job. He didn't even thought of turning it down. It sounded like a terrific opportunity to start over, be more present to Luna while expanding care to underdeveloped countries by helping establishing new policies and protocols to be carried out for infection deseas. If pandemic has proven anything is that world isn't prepared for major events.
He had a few days to settle at his new apartment. This one was bigger than his back at New York. Luna finally has her own bedroom, although it still lacks of decortication, she is really excited about creating her own. They've decide it will be they little project over here. In Max's mind this could be an opportunity for making Luna enjoy their new life.
The place was perfect for they're new begining. Located right in front of Vermont Park, a few blocks from Luna's preschool and WHO's office. His working schedule allowed him to pick her up every evening taking her for a walk at the park after school, right before their dinner. Luna wasn't very talkative since they arrival, Max thought she was still adapting to so may changes in the past few months. She wasn't asking questions as much as before, or pointing out things she found curious anymore. Even though she was always willing to help with breakfast and dinner preparations. She was even making smoothie by her own now.
His little girl had grown up so much, he couldn't help but feel sorry for how many of her little moments he have lost. He couldn't go back in time for those moments, but he could be part of the new ones. And this new beginning was all about being there for her.
Max's first week as WHO Infections Deseas Director had been even more exciting than he thought. He'd been introduced to his team, a collection of specialists from all over the globe, ready to make a change. He had his assistant to arranged him private meetings with every head of program, so he could understand their works undergoing and how he could help them to achieve their goals. Two doctors in particular had captivated his attention with their brilliant resources. Dr. Nkosi, a black south african young and tall woman and Dr Seong, a short Korean man, who were working together to create new protocols for HIV treatment, including a cocktail of vitamins and low cost drugs, which had significant success when applied at South African patients. They were both very driven and Max could sense this protocol would change the scenario once approved, especially for poor communities, strongly known for its lack of basic care and access proper medicines. He knew how many people would die that year just because they couldn't afford the medicine for assuring their living and that needed a change.
Max have met Tedros Adhanom in person and they both chat for what felt like hours, but probably weren't, about the late COVID-19 protocols and China sanitary situation. Right there, beside tat man, he felt like he could've really make difference and leaving behind a legacy that actually mattered.
He hasn't forgot about New Amsterdam, but he finally felt like he was moving on from it. He even began writing a book of memories from that day. It made him feel like perpetuating those patients history. They deserved to fell heard and being remembered. Who knows this could inspire more doctors to actually care for those they treat.
Everything was perfect till this noon. Max was walking at WHO hallways coming back from lunch with a group doctors of his team, when he saw a known figure from behind. The long braided hair, black 3/4 sleeve blouse, grey leopard print skirt and black high ankle boots. She was holding a keyboard while talking to Dr. Seong.
Max stopped moving, tilting his head he rubbed his eyes looking for a clear view. It couldn't be her, sure it was only fruit os his imagination. His mind has played him so many times before.
Realizing he hasn't followed them to the elevator Dr. Nkosi called Max attention twice, he finally breaks the trance answering her. "Please go, I'll be right after you. I just need to...to talk to someone. " Dr. Nkosi waved him goodbye releasing the elevator's door.
Max gives a few a steps to get closer to that figure, as if he still couldn't trust his own eyes. He can now hear her voice perfectly."...Yes, our main goal is to revise the protocols recommend for cancer treatments, specially those related to new drugs of low cost, which could easily be implemented at third country economies and how they could be jointed with..."
He could recognized her british accent and polite tone anywhere. It is her. His body immediately reacts to his recently discovery, breathing racing alongside his heartbeats, hands sweating and mouth drying. Unable to contain his anxiety, he doesn't wait for her to finish the conversation that appears to be going on before calling her name. "Dr. Helen Shar...pe?"
His voice fading with the emotional turmoil growing in his stomach. She looks as gorgeous as the last time he saw her. From this distance he could even smell her intoxicating scent.
Max feels sick. Aback by her presence. Why is she here? When he finally thought he had gotten over her. The meeting he fought so hard to avoid back in New York was happening right now, here, without previous announcement.
Helen widen her eyes in shock upon his words. Did she just hear Max calling her? Realizing what's happening, she just excuses herself with Dr. Seong, slowly turning her head, following the sound of his voice.
"Max.." she stated, but then feels embarrassed by the intimacy it might imply she corrects herself. "I mean, Dr. Goodwin". Her breathing gets shallow as if she was about to faint. But she stays put, holding her head down, ignoring all signs sent from every inch of her body, telling her she might soon succumb.
For a few seconds neither of them move or say anything, until Dr. Seong speaks up "So you've met already? That's great. It means we can shortcut the presentation stages and begin to work on our jointed protocols."
Max is surprised by Dr Seong statement, so he asks for a confirmation "Did you mean we will work together?". His eyes still fixed on Helen, although she still hasn't looked at him in the eyes yet, he could sense the're both still taken by the feeling and sensations this reunion brought back to the surface.
"Yes, the jointed protocol for patients with cancer who presents symptoms of COVID-19. I might be in your memo, the project starts next week." Seong replied.
Still keeping his glance fixed on her, Max answers. "Sure, I must haven't seen this one yet, I'm still catching up."
Helen swallowed hard. Not knowing how to address the situation or how to continued this conversation, she tries to dismiss herself. "I'll see you both next week then."
Helen turns back to the hall, walking to the elevator area. Dr. Seong follows her closely, but by the time she presses the call button Max has already catch up and calls her back. "Dr. Sharpe? Can we..can we talk?"
Helen breaths deeply, looking for strengths to face him, she replies without turning her body. "I'm gonna be late for my next meeting."
Max insists "It will be quick, I promise".
Helen closes her eyers forcing the tears threatening to fall right back to where they came from. This wasn't the time and place for an emotional overreaction. So, she tries her best to keep it cool.
Turning her body to him slightly, keeping her head down, avoiding his eyes, she starts speaking.
"I...I've never thought you'd accept the job. Daniel told me past month they're looking for a new director for the infection deseas division, once Richard was about to retired and their team was already lacking of people, they'd need to bring someone from outside. I gave them your name, but, I really never thought you'd come, especially knowing that I'd be here..."
"But I DIDN'T know" he almost shout, shaking his head in denial, eyes turning glassy.
She could see the veins on his neck pulsing bloody red by his exasperated reaction. Helen was nervous about this moment, she had been successfully able to avoid this personal meeting for the past week. The building wasn't much bigger than New Amsterdam itself, and they always found each other there, even if they didn't intend to. Almost like the pull between them had its own will. Closing her eyes to hide her emotions, she keeps her head down and speaks.
"I know that. I went to New York to talk to you about this, but you...you never showed up. So a I couldn't...t..tell you... And I thought you'd never accept their offer anyway. I was as shocked as your are when I first saw you here. I'm..."
"Wait wait wait..." Max waives his hand in the air before continuing "So you saw me before and you didn't even had the dignity to come and talk to me?" He smirks ironically.
Helen stays quiet. She's received his uncaring explosion words before, when Georgia died and she came back to DAM after her leaving for fund raising, but this time it cuts deeper.
She actually feels the weight of anger in his tone and this time it is because of her. A genuine anger she didn't know Max could ever hold. She wonders how broken he is for reacting this way to her presence. Of course she didn't expect any gratitude party, but at least if this conversation had a normal tone she'd be certain their relationship could be respectful from now on.
She doesn't say a word waiting for him to burst whatever he was still holding inside, as if she knew he needed it to move pass their past together. She owe him this, at least she believes so, as she never gave him her reason to stay away, she is waiting his worse side and something tells her this is all she will get today.
The tension brings small shivers to her spine, and she shakes a little bit. Noting her body quivering, while she hugs her elbows, Max feels embarrassed by his tone.
He breaths deeply to control his temper and says in a medium, the best he can manage by his current emotional state, tone "Tell me. If I haven't seen you today how long would have it taken till you get the courage to approach me Helen? I mean, let me make this clear, would you have ever approached me?"
She looks at him for the first time and get lost in his eyes, they're as grey as the sky outside the building, covered in sadness. Staring him Helen tries to show her case "I...I didn't want.. want to..." but she is abruptly interrupted by him again.
"Want what Helen? Tell me? Finish the mess you've started when you went away? Make me feel like a shit man who couldn't even notice his fiance was unhappy in their relationship? Let me see how great you turn out to be after you abandoned...us?" His voice fails but he holds it together.
Helen continues. "Max, please..you've... this is... is not the place...I..."
Max shuts her up again, this time raising his tone louder than even he expected. "I WHAT Helen? Haven't you had time enough to figure out what you want? Cause clearly it was never me...." He pauses again, then says. "or Luna..." Max whisper his daughter's name.
Luna was the reason he accepted this job. The reason he crossed to this side of the the Atlantic this time. He remembers his little girl struggling upon Helen's absence and looses the last shred of control he had and yells "ANSWER ME!".
The shout caught Helen by surprise. She stepped back, lowering her head terrified by his explosion. She avoids looking at Max, waiting for to calm down.
Self conscious of his recent outburst, Max raises his hands towards Helen's as if asking for apologies "Listen I don't...I'm sorry...Helen. I...'
But she gives another step back, cleared afraid of him, hitting the elevator door
She doesn't answer him, she is still in shock by his reaction, which also caught the attention of people passing by.
A tall man, apparently in his mid forties, approaches Helen from her left side, placing a hand over her shoulder, while looking straight to Max's eyes in disapproval, before speaking "Is this man bothering you Helen? Do you need me call security?" His germain accent is quite annoying for Max, or maybe is the fact that his hand is still over Helen's shoulder.
Helen shakes her head a bit in a negative sign and says, still not raising her head "Please don't. Adric this is Dr. Goodwin. We were just...just talking about a treatment. He is already leaving and so am I...right Dr. Goodwin?"
Max eyes follows the man's hand, wich is now holding Helen's waist. Jealous burning him inside out. Questions popping up inundating his mind. Who is this guy holding her? Why doesn't she back away from his touch?
Max stuck his gaze on Adric's eyes, unable to mask his anger, but that doesn't seem to intimidate him.
Adric presses the elevator bottom and the doors open behind them. Adric states "Helen, please let's go. They're waiting. Dr. Goodwin" Pulling Helen to his side, so she could be the first one to enter the elevator. Adric looks at Max eyes and nods, a little before joining Helen heading to their floor.
The doors of the elevator close and Max stays put for a few minutes contemplating his last discovery, unable to move from that spot or think about anything but Helen right now. All those feeling uttering his body, as if they could physically burn his skin.
His mind went foggy and he stayed there at that hall contemplating what had just happened and what it meant for him. For Luna. His world had just gotten too small for him to handle. He headed to his office by the stairs wishing that cardio exercises could help to easy his mind.
His day went on with the rest of the meetings he had already scheduled, although he hasn't been able to focus on any matter presented to him then, he was nodding in agreement to whatever the doctors were saying, so they would leave as fast as they entered at his office.
By 4pm he was already getting ready to leave. He had to pickup Luna in half hour. But before closing his laptop, he decided to check on his schedule for the next week.
There it was, the meeting with the team of Cancer Treatment Protocols. A full day meeting to take place a week later, on Friday. Closing his eyes, Max just decided to leave the invitation unanswered.
He could figure out an excuse to not show up and send someone of his team for this meeting. The thought of being at the same room as Helen would turn out to be too much for him to bare by now anyway. After his outburst today, he'd better leave her alone until he figured out how to deal his emotions towards her.
He got to Luna school earlier than he scheduled. He needed some reassurance from his little girl. Luna was really excited for their walk in the park, but Max had decided they should go for an ice cream night instead. It would be a good distraction from that day.
"Daddy, the park is to that side" Luna yells.
"Yeah kiddo, but what about we have some ice cream dinner tonight?" Max asks.
"Can I have two daddy?" Luna replied, while clapping her hands excited.
"Sure, but I will pick the flavors." Max plays her.
"No daddy your flavors are the worst! I don't want damascus's or pistachios's ice creams"
"C'mon kiddo, those are the bests" Max implies while trickling Luna's belly. She laughed hard before releasing herself from his hands, running for a little hide and seek play. Max hates when she runs on sidewalks, she almost always hit some strangers who looks at her not very politely after she excuses herself. So he calls her back trying to sound serious.
"Luna, no running on sidewalks, remember? Ice creams are only for kiddos who follow the rules, right?"
Luna turns to face Max and giggles, while walking backwards. Max treats to run after her and she jogs a little going back, and as predicted, she did hit someone on her way.
Max stops and stands still, straightening his position, shocked by the unpleasant coincidence.
Not only he barely found out about Helen's presence at WHO, but before he could even figure out what to do, he also has to deal with Luna expectations about her. He just snaps his legs before stating "That's perfect!".
Luna makes the 'I'm in trouble face' slowly turning around to face the person she has just hit, so she could apologize. "I'm very so.." Luna stops as soon as she realizes who she just hit. "Mum!? " She implies and asks altogether, while widening her smile. "I knew you'd coming back! I missed you" She yells jumping, while attached to Helen's skirts. "Daddy don't know how to braid my hair like you do. He said you wouldn't come back, but I knew it!" The little girl was pure happiness. And the scene just breaks Max's heart even more.
"Are you coming for the ice cream dinner with us Mum? That's why we skipped the park today? As Helen doesn't answers, Luna calls. "Daddy?" Looking to Max before turning back to Helen again, jumping, even more causing Helen to stumble a bit. When she doesn't answer, Luna tugs on her legs again, hugging her strongly, digging her head on her belly supplicating "Please mum, I'll behave, I promise!".
Although there's nothing Helen desires more than hugging Luna back right now, she knows Max is too upset to consent any kind of real interaction between them both. All she can do is close her eyes, rubbing the little girl's back, breathing her in, while fighting to keep the tears from streaming down her face.
Max doesn't really know what to do either. Luna seems so happy and Helen, Helen is right here. But, for how long? Can he allow her to take this any further for the sake of his little girl instant happiness? Or he needs to cut this right away to protect her?
He can't forget how many times Luna's had asked for Helen after their fail wedding day. How many excuses he had created for explaining her 'Mum's' absence. He could forgive Helen's for leaving him, but leaving Luna, after all they've been through, was too much for him. It was what really broken him.
Helen opens her eyes to find Max's gaze, he is still standing at the same spot. The angry eyes from this evening were not there anymore, although she could see he was different from the man she met this morning, who was only the shadow of the one she loved so much, but, somehow, this man in front of her still wasn't her Max. Although she doesn't see the anger, she still fears what he could do about her proximity to Luna right now.
Trying to avoid adding anymore trauma into Luna's life, Helen drops on her knees, facing her, eye to eye, before speaking softly.
"Hi my little munchkin. I missed you too. So...so much! But now, I got go home to finish some adult stuff." Helen says trying her best not to cry, putting an extra effort to keep on a convincing smile. "They are really late to it's due, so, I'm gonna need to pass this one, but, what about next time? What do you say?"
Max eyes softens upon the view of them and at the same time he worries. Luna seems to be as attached as the day she said goodbye to Helen for the last time. After all this time, she still longs for her and cheers for her presence.
Luna is the one to break their trance. "Can mum come next time daddy? Please?"
Max walks towards them, grabbing Luna by her hands, pulling her closer, he states. "We got go kiddle. Otherwise we will miss the ice cream. We don't want that, do we." Max says trying his best not to sound angry or upset for Luna.
"No!" The little girl screams in excitement, pulling Max forward. "Let's go Daddy! Bye Mum!.
Max breaths in relief as Luna agrees to leave without any tantrum. He nods for Helen, without saying a word, passing her by, never looking back.
Helen takes a few seconds to realize what just happened. She finally release her breath, then allow her tears to fall. She almost creep to her house due to the weight she feels on her shoulders now. Her poor girl was so happy to see her. After all this time.
Helen made home by some miracle, as she couldn't see a step ahead trough her glassy eyes. She closed her door and dropped to the floor right after, barely locking it, crying desperately while holding her knees close to her chest.
She reaches for her purse and picks up her engagement ring. She was still wearing it this morning. But took it of after Max yelled her. It was painful keep carrying it after it all happened, but she would wear it every day, cause it reminded her of him, of Luna and the life they once shared.
She cried herself to exhausting, unable to move. That night was still far from its ends.
At the ice scream parlor Max prays for Luna to focus on her flavor picking ritual above anything else. He definitely has no idea how to explain Helen's presence to her and why she isn't part of their life's anymore. His mind is anywhere but there, although he fights to be present.
"Daddy, I want strawberry and chocolate." Luna's states than continue "Strawberry is Mum's favorite".
Here we go, Max thinks. He tries to dodge her statement adding other subjects to their conversation "Luna, do you know how they make ice creams at Alaska?"
"Yeah" she replied. Max continues bringing any kind of curiosity he can remember, truth or not, till Luna is too overwhelming with all new information to even remembering asking for Helen.
After their little sweet dinner, they walk home with no further questions about 'Mum'. But Max knows it only bought him a few time.
He and Luna follow their night routine. Bath, PJs, brushing teeth, favorite book choice, then bed.
Max reads her favorite story, but Luna seems really off. He then asks her, already knowing the answer, why she seems so distant "Are you ok kiddo?"
"Yeah daddy." She replies clearly sad. "Are you sure?" Max asks. He knows she needs to talk about it, so she can process and accept the situation.
"Is mum coming home? " Max inhales deeply before answering her.
"No kiddo. Mum still has a lot of adult stuff to process, so she can't come back remember that?"
"Yeah, but she is here"
Max tries to be as clear as possible, without giving his little girl any hopes or expectations towards Helen.
"I know. Look, it's really hard for daddy to explain that to you right know, but when you're older you will understand. Mum is not here for us."
"Why?". Max grins under his sad look. He knows Luna is just trying to figure out what it means to them. But neither he knows. So he answers her sincerely. "I don't know baby. Mum didn't tell me."
Furrowing her browns in doubt Luna ask. "Didn't you ask?". Max smirks sadly before replying "I did. I just...I think I didn't give her the chance to answer".
By the time he says it Luna is already sleeping. Max heads to their living room. Sittings on their big blue couch he faces he large window. It's the park view one of his favorite things about this apartment. He stays there, contemplating it while feeling every punch his heart gives from inside out, almost as it was about to break through his chest.
After this little Helen and Luna's reunion, Max knows he can't take this situation for much longer, so he picks his phone up for sending Helen a message. The first one in nine months. Nine months since his last supplication for answers. Nine months since he decided to do as she asked, and let her go. Nine months since he started to feel completely lost. His attempt of a new future has just collided with his past and he knows he needs to figure out what to do next.
Max also knows he exceeded himself today. As much as he felt angry, he knows Helen didn't deserve to be treated that way. So he types her a scratch of an apology in order to keep their relationship respectful as, at least for now, they will have to work together.
M: "I'm sorry I shout you this evening. I shouldn't have exalted myself. I was just surprised to see you."
He thinks for a few seconds, reading it again just for checking his tone before pressing send. He's been too harsh on her already and regret starts to boil his mind. He just want to make things right for now. Apart from their breaking, she has meant so much to him for so long and the thought of making her upset just twists the knife he feels craved in his heart even deeper. She did hurt him, but he still cares for her deeply. He always will.
Max lays on his couch completely awake, even though it's a quarter past two. A lot of questions dancing in his thoughts randomly, in common, they were all about her. Has she made home ok? Is she thinking of him? Does she still care for him and Luna?Did she want them here? Is she upset? And most important, why did she leave? Will she stay this time?
Back at Helen's apartment, she is still sat behind her entrance door when her phone's vibration wakes her up. Feeling her entire body aching, searching for her phone in her purse, she picks it up. Max names shows up on her screen. Shaking her head in disbelief, she reads it again. She wasn't expecting him to contact her after today, or ever, let alone for an apology. She barely believes she's received his first message when the second one arrives.
M: I won't bother you again.
Reading the last one made her cry all over again. She longs for having him and Luna gravitating around her again, but she knows it's impossible. Wiping her tears Helen text him back.
H: It's ok Max, I expected you to hate me for what I did
H: I understand you anger, and I'm really sorry I let you and Luna down.
H: This is a great opportunity for you, please don't let my presence be an obstacle. If you can't stand me here I won't stay.
Max receives all of her messages, but focus on one. Rubbing his temples he tries to process it. 'She thinks I hate her, how come? The woman I most loved in my all life. The one I was expecting to share the rest of life with. The only one that could make me forget anything else and just aim to be by her side. I would have moved mountains for her, and followed her anywhere. Except for the one time I didn't. And I've lost everything...'
Max digs his head under his cushions, covering his mouth, before yelling out of frustration. A few tears escaping his eyes. For so long he simply didn't allow himself to cry. Crying was only for weak men, his father used to say.
But, right now, he was weak. His heart was beating strongly for her all over again to the point it just knocked him over. Feeling hurt for her words he texts her again, questioning.
M: That's how you believe I feel?
H:...
He keeps his eyes focused on his phone, waiting for her to reply. She appears to be typing for a while, but nothing comes in. He doesn't sleep.
On the other side of the park, Helen had moved to her bedroom and placed her cellphone over her nightstand. This day couldn't have been worse. Laying on her bed, exhausted, she decided not to text Max back. It was too soon for this kind of conversation between them.
Helen knew he was crushed, she thought he'd be over them by now, as he never showed up to their date months ago, but it seems that just like her, he couldn't get over them..
This isn't how she expected this to happen, but deep down she was happy knowing that he was here. Luna was here. Even though she couldn't sleep, she spent that night smiling and crying over the memories of the three of them together in London.