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Draco had been struggling to process the pain he’d caused Harry. He knew he’d gone through unbearable agony while he was away and imagined the pain had been so intense, it was indescribable. Coming to terms with it would likely be Draco’s largest battle healing from, if he even could.
Now though, visually seeing Harry experience some of that torment and trauma with his own eyes, understanding the extent of the damage he’d caused, anguish surged through him. He had to get up. He needed to get away. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight anyway, if ever again. Not after what he had just seen. Forcing himself to let go of his love, he rose from the warmth of the bed and dressed in the crumpled clothing he’d worn the day before.
Somehow, Draco found himself in the dark cemetery of Godric’s Hollow, directly in front of Eltanina’s grave. A rectangular headstone made of beautiful, orangish-tan sandstone laid on the ground in front of him in the dew wet grass. The grass had grown up around the stone, by now. It was evident it wasn’t newly placed. Quaintly carved into it was Eltanina’s name and the date she was born and died:
Eltanina Lily Malfoy-Potter
June 21, 2002 - June 21, 2002
Forever our brightest star
They had talked about coming here, to Elta’s burial place, but hadn’t yet. Uncaring that the grass was damp, he sat down next to her stone, pulling his knees to his chest. “Hi, baby girl.”
Draco looked up from the ground, to Eltanin in the sky and back to the headstone. “I don’t know where you actually are right now; somewhere glorious, I hope.
“I’m your daddy. Well, your other daddy. Your father, I suppose. You don’t know me. I wasn’t there for you when you were here on Earth. Turns out I’m as horrible of a father as I always knew I’d be. I’m the reason you're not here with your daddy, with us. I’m the reason he’s is in such agonizing pain.
“Sometimes, I see your daddy relaxing in his favorite chair and I imagine you curled up asleep against his chest, or him lying on the floor playing with you. You’re playing together happily, both looking at each other with adoration filled eyes. You’re everything he’s ever wanted; a family of his very own.
“Your daddy and I loved each other so much, it created you. Can you even imagine a love that grand? It’s as intensely powerful to feel as it sounds. It’s all consuming and the most beautiful thing in the world. When it hurts though, it hurts just as powerfully. It’s a gut wrenching, soul striping pain of the worst kind.”
Draco wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed from the deepest part of himself. The destruction of one’s soul was the worst pain he knew of.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry baby girl! I failed you. I failed your daddy. I failed our family. I’ve done a lot of horrible things in my life, I’m ashamed to admit, but failing in this way is without a doubt, my single greatest failure.”
Eventually calming a bit and glancing to the side, Draco noticed, for the first time, the headstones of Lily and James Potter.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Potter. I’m Draco Malfoy. I’ve met you here once before. Please, don’t judge me by the last name I was cursed with. I’m not a good person, but I’m not the evil my father was, at least, I hope not. Likewise, please forgive my current appearance. It is quite unacceptable, I know.
“I’m Harry’s boyfriend, or, I was. You’d be so proud of him. He is the most incredible man! You couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect son. He is strong, brave, admirable, determined and smart. He can be stupidly fearless but luck always brings him out on top. Mostly though, he is loving, so very loving. He has the biggest heart of anyone. He puts everyone else in front of himself and if there’s a chance to save you, he will. He sees the good in people and believes in them when no one else does.
“Harry forgives. He even forgave me, the evil Death Eater who bullied him relentlessly for years. He forgave me, he saved me and he loved me, because that's what he does. He taught me what true love is.
“I wish I could trade places with one of you. He could really use you here with him right now. He’s so broken. I broke him and it’s not the first time I’ve hurt him. It’s what I was raised to do, hurt people. Try as I have to overcome, I suppose it’s just been ingrained in me too far. Harry deserves all the love in the world. I wish I was the one who could give it to him.
“Is Eltanina with you? Harry likes to think she is. It offers him some peace to think she’s safe in your arms. He gave her your name, Mrs. Potter. Isn't it lovely?”
Sirius’ stone sat on the other side of the Potters’.
“I suppose if she is with you, she’s also with Sirius. That’s a bit concerning.” Draco chuckled lightly through his tears. “I’m only joking. Sirius, we’ve never met, but we’re cousins. I’m Narcissa's son. Harry adored you. You’d like what he’s done with 12 Grimmauld Place. He believes you would. We tried to keep your memory where we could.
“I’m sorry I didn’t take care of him like he deserves. I'm sorry I hurt him so deeply. I’m sorry for more than I can even think at this moment.”
Draco paused for a few moments, sitting with his thoughts, before turning back to Eltanina.
“Eltanina Lily, you have the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard. Although it may not seem like it, I love you. I love you unconditionally and unwaveringly, baby girl. I’m incredibly proud to be your father. You were as strong and brave as your daddy. Another lion, I suppose. I love you so much!”
With those final words, Draco let all the grief, guilt, pain, regret and sadness he’d held in since his return, wash over him. He pressed his forehead to his knees, pulled his arms over his head and let go. It wasn’t pretty, in fact, it was an ugly sight, but torment isn’t usually nice to see and it’s even worse to feel.
***
Harry startled awake with an urgency to get to Godric’s Hollow. The urgency was so all consuming, he didn’t even stop to think. With a pop, he Disapparated directly to the graves of his family, finding Draco. Harry’s heart skipped a beat at what he saw before him.
Draco was curled up on the cold, wet ground, crying and shaking in grief. He was so cold he could feel it deep in his bones. It was cold not brought on by the temperature, but by the regret, shame and helplessness that filled him. Harry ran to him in a panic, not knowing what was going on.
“Draco? It’s me. It’s Harry. I’m here.”
Harry bent down trying to lift Draco from the ground. At the sound of his voice, Draco turned to Harry and opened his. He couldn’t even look at him. He squeezed his eyes tightly and flinched away.
“No.”
“Draco, what’s going on? What’s wrong?”
“No, you should go.”
“I’m not going anywhere without you.”
Harry felt Draco finally stop resisting his touch and lean into him, muscles relaxing as he did. Harry moved to sit on the cold, hard ground with him, keeping him wrapped tightly in his arms. He’d let Draco cry into his chest as long as he needed.