Work Text:
— Introduction —
Greetings, readers and Lord Harbingers. The Zapolyarny Weekly Newsletter welcomes you to our 45th issue.
Given the latest crisis that occurred in the Chasm, we offer our readers our condolences for the loss of their friends, family, colleagues, and loved ones who may have been affected. Rest assured, we trust that our Tsaritsa will ensure justice will be fairly served and Snezhnaya be brought to glory once more. Our diplomats and agents abroad also report of good news in ensuring peace between foreign countries.
We hope that you will find yourself intrigued and satisfied with this week’s content, including an article on Lord Columbina’s skincare routine, sparring tips from Lord Tartaglia, insights from pyro Agent Leo, and many more. Don’t forget to check out this week’s Miss Mirror advice column as well.
Tsaritsa bless,
Dmitri Zakharov
Chief Newsletter Administrator
Lord Dottore Proposes Hypothesis At Harbinger Meeting, Causes Fight
Dominik Smirnov
SNEZHNAYA– Earlier today when our Majesty, the Tsaritsa, called for a rare meeting of the Harbingers to update her on their current plans, Lord Dottore (un)suspectingly suggested a hypothesis for his new experiment that caused a ruckus in the Meeting of the Lords.
A guard named Igor, who wishes to remain anonymous, gives their story. “Lord Columbina had just finished telling the Tsaritsa of her own plans, and everyone seemed fairly satisfied so far. That is, till Lord Dottore began speaking. He proposed of a— of a, an experiment– where h-he—” (At this point in the interview, said guard would not stop laughing/sobbing uncontrollably, and we had to wait for them to stop before extracting the rest of the story.) “He wanted to experiment on some of the Skirmishers, and he said the way to do it was to replace their brains with something from Inazuma called ‘tamagotchis’. Lord Dottore said it would…I didn’t understand the science-y part, but from the looks of it, I think he just was curious. He said he planned, if the experiment succeeded, to conduct this experiment upon several of his coworkers to enhance their prowess in battle, or something.”
This proposal was met with outrage on the part of one Lord Scaramouche, who vehemently refused to be, quote unquote, “experimented on like a (redacted) animal with a (redacted) for a brain, and (he) can (redacted) it up his (redacted) with a (redacted)”. Meanwhile, Lord Tartaglia had allegedly agreed to Lord Dottore’s proposal, saying: – quote unquote – “If puttin’ these tama-whats-its inside my brain’ll make me stronger, then sign me right up!”
Other anonymous guards named Katya, Alexsandr, Anya, and Fyodor, also reported that Lord Pulcinella was attempting to calm the crowd; Lord Arlecchino had reportedly unsheathed her greatsword in an attempt to decapacitate Lord Dottore, Lord Columbina was egging her on, Lord Pantalone had dived under the table to save his head from dissection, et cetera.
“Lord Capitano was seeming rather unruffled by it all, but you know how he is,” says Anya, who wishes for her identity to be unknown. “After all, it’s not the first time Lord Il Dottore has proposed such an – how shall I put it – outlandish suggestion before. Certainly, it’s creative. But I do sympathise with Lord Scaramouche’s sentiments.”
At the site of the incident, several of Lord Dottore’s clones, sirs Theta and Omega, were also sighted in the fight. They had reportedly not engaged in the scuffle, instead preferring to watch from afar, until Lord Sandrone socked one in the jaw.
Our reporters found that Lord Dottore had allegedly eaten a dead muskrat found on Zapolyarny grounds in the name of scientific endeavour some months back.
Recruits who are interested in the purchase of such ‘tamagotchis’ may do so by contacting the newsletter staff to inquire about new shipments from Inazuma.
West Wing Dormitories: A Review
Anastasiya Zelensky
★★★☆☆
Last Tuesday, I had the privilege to stay in the newly renovated dormitories located in the West Wing as part of a ‘testing batch’ of recruits. It was around the House of Hearth, with Lord Dottore’s lab around the area as well.
The walk to the mirror maiden training site is a convenient 2 minutes, while the dorms are both spacious and empty for those who enjoy solitude. The drafts commonly felt in the Northern wing are also nearly nonexistent in the West wing dorms, thanks to the cunning architecture and the conveniently padded and soundproof walls. These walls do not conceal the screams coming from Lord Dottore’s laboratory, however.
Dormitories are equipped with traditional light fixtures and a good plumbing system. Each room has approximately 4 bunks. Recruits will have to bring their own toilet paper.
I took two stars off because several of my fellow recruits kept disappearing on the walk back to the dorms past Lord Dottore’s laboratory. Also, Lord Scaramouche’s private quarters are also located in the Northwestern wing, and his commands and orders could be heard from our location.
Not recommended for the fainthearted. I recommend laying out pieces of chocolate leading away from the dorms to effectively distract any of Lord Dottore’s clones.
The Flaws in Mondstadt’s Governmental System
Viktor Ivanov, MD Corr.
Speaking as a Snezhnayan delegate’s assistant who had been stationed in Mondstadt City for nearly two years before my transfer to Sumeru City, I have had a first-hand experience of the daily lives of citizens in Mond and their wildly varying worldviews.
Mond is known for its wind, wine, its unorthodox form of government – and freedom. They are headed by an organisation known as the Knights of Favonius, founded with the help of their own Archon to prevent aristocrats and tyrants from ruling the land, sticking to the overall ideals of freedom and free rule and so on. While the Knights and the Church are two separate organisations, the Knights help manage and organise the Church.
Since I was stationed in the Church of Favonius, I was able to observe the mannerisms and the tradition of the people there. I can say firsthand that most nuns are highly religious, and celebrate the gift of wind from Barbatos regularly with hymns and praise. Locals often gather in the Church to praise their Archon, who is almost always absent, unlike Her Majesty, the Tsaritsa.
Locals are assured of his presence in their daily lives, with most believing that he sends his blessings in the form of wind and drafts with a most childlike fancy – as if they don’t understand the concept of heat and pressure difference in the air. Unlike our Tsaritsa, who graces us with snow and blessed frost, I am highly skeptical of the Anemo Archon’s presence in Mondstadtian wind. There is no basis for belief other than pure whimsy and the religious fanatics who push their devotion down the throats of locals.
Going back to my main point, for some context: Mondstadt’s theocratic governance and politics has always been notoriously complicated. Those who have studied Mond history will know of the Lawrence period during the late aristocracy era, in which a corrupt clan seized control of Mondstadt, viewing themselves as ultimate overlords. Historians debate as to whether their governance falls under a monarchy or an aristocracy, but everyone will agree that they were tyrants.
In my opinion, such a crisis could have been easily avoided with the presence of the Anemo Archon. With this piece of history in mind, let us return to our current day and age.
The Knights of Favonius are led by a single Grand Master, Varka, who has been expediting for a lengthy period of time now. The state of the city has been left to an acting Master, Jean Gunnhildr; the current Knights on duty are lazy, often leaving their patrol duties neglected, instead preferring to play TCG in taverns or getting drunk in bars. I was appalled when I entered a tavern for the purpose of investigation and saw several knights in full uniform slumped in a pile, all reeking of booze. Tsaritsa bless! You would never see such behaviour amongst us Fatui recruits on duty. A shot of firewhisky or two does good to warm up the body, but they were slugging beer like it was water.
The Knights aren’t even properly trained. They are required to undergo a “vigorous examination” in order to enroll, but half the Knights I see on patrol can hardly lift a lightweight claymore. Citizens of Mondstadt are unable to tackle their own domestic problems, often seeking the help of the Knights of Favonius to rescue lost cats , amongst other things. The highly traditional ideals of Mondstadt hold them back from actually achieving progress.
Not only does this overall attitude reflect the laziness and petulance of Mondstadtians, it also wastes the already limited manpower of the Knights. Several of their companies are out in the field clearing camps of hilichurls that two legionnaires could easily wipe out, partly due to the fact that there is no proper field dedicated to research and technology, once again stemming from the overall lack of manpower and resources. True, there is a limited field of alchemy, but their few scientists are preoccupied not with expanding military technology nor advancements with weaponry but making sweets. A good Snezhnayan boy’s dream would be to become a Fatui recruit, but here I see Mond youth writing love poems and singing in the streets! Preposterous behaviour.
All in all, I can hardly understand why Mondstadt holds such socioeconomical power in the political sphere. They supply the world with wine, daydreams, and fanciful religion. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if another Lawrence period happened. With such a lax, traditional, government, it’s bound to happen sooner or later.
Make Your Skin Glow Like Celestia!
– or, Lord Columbina’s skincare routine for that fresh, angelic look!
At the crack of dawn:
- Wash face with water taken from coldest lake in nearby forest to moisturise
- Rub powdered skulls (similar to dust) into cheeks (obtain essence of life)
- Open all 12 eyes and rub antioxidant serum on face
- Apply blood of newborn babies as toner
Before sleep:
- A̴̡̮͚̼̯͇̣͚͌͜ͅb̶̨͎̲͙̅͂͑̏́̌́͘͜͠a̶̡͎̭̻̤̦̋͊̀ş̷̧̣̞̭̣͓̰͔̼́̏͂h̸̰͚̤͖̯͉̘̩̰̍̎́̽̽̔̒ͅe̴̡̢̧̪̞̱̙͙̐̽̏̓̋̔̓̕ͅd̵̨̝͚̖͔̥̿͐͒̔̉͋͋̏̕ ̵͇̔̂͆̎̅̉t̶̡̨̨̺̻̣̉͐̓͜h̶̢̨͕̳̜̖͍̭̿̓̎̈́́͆̍̌ę̶̡̛̱͎̬̼̗̘͚̰̽͂̎̉̏̅͗̒ ̶̦͎̤̳͉͐̑̽̌͊͊̈́͘̕͝d̸̳͖͎͉͓̼̘̦̺͑͌e̶̯̫̹̼̤͖͑̓̄̐̋͘͘͝v̵̧͉̲͂̾̇͛̈́͑̽̍͛i̵̫̺̟͛̎͝l̵͇̥̅̆̓̏͛̃̕ ̶͈̓̈́̓͒͒̔̿s̸̨͚͂ẗ̴̺̜͎͍͒̃̊͆o̶̡̮̣͒̅̋̔ǫ̵̢̺͙̙̗̞͉͌͌̍̃͆̐̽̒͆͝d̷̩͕̰̽̈̒̕ ̸̰̲̬̀̓̓͝ȁ̷̱͈̈́͗̊̉̆n̷͚̟̈̅̇̋d̷̡̜̝͕͔̖̺̑̀̽͌̕ ̶̨͖͕̺̰͆̔̉f̴̡͎̣̺̱̝̈̊͐̉̀̇́͘ĕ̵̩͇̉̿̅l̴̥̜̮̝̣͎͌̄t̷̡̳̹̬̠͈̫̂̑̑̈́̌̀̆̉ ̴̛̥̮̭͎̠̞̟̋̓̈́͋͛͝ȟ̸̫̽̐̔̐͒͌̏̕ơ̶̡͚̻̌̔͆̂͛̊͘͝͝w̸͖͗̉́ͅ ̸̧̦̘̗̥͈̪̤̍̒a̴̘̺͎̦̪̍̽̀̂͐̎͗̌̉͜w̵̘͍̫̖̥͉͉͖͂̋̒̉͊̊f̴̖̝͔͙͔͂̈́̂̆̀̍͋û̶͇̽̅̔́͝l̴͙͆͒̊͘͘͝ ̸̪͍̪̭̳̅̿ģ̵̢̦̱̙͈̻̏̄̀̔̚̚͜ǫ̵̢̖̫̹̻̥̤̋̎̑͛̈́͘͜͝͝o̸̡̨̩͇͙̻̹͇̜͝͝d̸͕̳̈́̂̈̊́͝n̵̖̘̬̺̱̞̥͗̂̽̾ë̸̙̰͚̪̹̦̓̀́̍͊͆̅̕͝ṣ̸̢̨͉̻̪͕͎̌͒̇͗̐̃̚͝s̵͖̯̩̥͚̉̀̽̅̈́̓͠ͅ ̸̢̧̩͎̿̓̉͌̀̈́́ỉ̸̜͓̟̮̤̟̝̗̼͍̃͑̑́̋͑͘s̸͕̀̏̅̋̉̇̇̾̓ͅ ̸̫̤͎̻͈͇͖͕͈̰͂͋̈͠ȧ̵̧̯̩͎͚̈̏̌́͆̈̚ͅn̴̰̳̓d̵̨̤̘̠̝̹͖̆̓́̏̓́̂̒͗͜ͅ ̷̥̳̎̍̾̓s̴̨͍͚̬̼͇̈̂͆͊a̶̠̦͖͋̔̅͊̔̌̑̕͝ͅw̴̛̛̫̥̟̜̰̮͝ ̷̒͜V̵͙̈́̆̎́͆͒̚ḯ̴̞͉͕̓̈́̾͐̏̍͝ř̷̢̡͉̖̼̳̰͛̓t̸̲̖̲̭͚̹͐̇͊͆̐̋́͐̚u̵̜͑̔ę̵̙͇̳̊̏̏̋̌́̋̏̓͜ ̶͕̭͐̿̓͒͋̌͐̐̕i̸͇̩̯͓̮͖̩̱̿̀͗̒̔̏n̸̛̹͖͎̖̑̃͂͐͌̈́̑͘͝ͅ ̷̻̝͚̄͘͝ḩ̴̺̞͉̥̱͙̬̊͠e̸̼̯̬̰̘͚͎̺̤͇̋͗̍̓͋͛͗͐ŗ̸̛̼̥͖̲̮̖̋͑̄͑͌̚ ̴͇̟̦̼̔̏̈́͒͒̓͝s̷̜̮̼͇͆͜h̸̡̬̘͓̪̰̖̫́̊̓͋͆̓̃̍̈́ḁ̵̢̹̖̝̜͔̀̾̉̄̚͜p̶̫͎͔̣̯̝̾͋̓̚ȅ̵̫̬̽̿͝ ̴̧̥̗̻̥̞̘̭͈͋̔̾͐h̴̗̫̻̗͈̩̯͔̦̗͌͂̎̄̈o̸̢̝̤̤̥͙̳̼͆͌͗͠w̸͉̜̖̗̠̬͛̓̐͘ ̷͉̯̪̤͎̟̤͌̒̈́̅̈́̓̆̑̏͝ĺ̵̮̻̹̂̄̊̀̔o̶̝͈̭̭̘̮̯̣͆̊͒̐͊̓v̴̥̪̄̅̚͠ĕ̴̻͈͓̙̣̤͕͖̼͒̑̚ľ̷͕͈̠̹͙̯̿̌͝y̴̧̝̥̬̼̝̑̍̇͆̑͌͂̚̕:̷̨͓̭̪͐̏̅̄̇̉̅̊̕͠ ̵̲̼̓́̽a̴̗̫̝̳͐̊̈́̔͝n̵̨̟̪̯̞̠͇̤̫̺̓̒͂̚͝d̵̨̼̜̥̦͔̭̹̃̑̔̆̀ ̴̢̩̠̜̪̦̬̞̽͜p̵̭͎̋̃̓̂́͒͘͘͝i̵͖̠͎̲̰̓̈́͐͑̏̀n̷̨̛̜̣̞̯͇̬̙̫͒͑̚͜ȅ̸͇̰͋̎ḑ̷̼̗̬͈̤̪̩̝̈́̒̊͐̌͐̐̿̈́͝ ̷͎̰̣͓̝͍̤̗̟̓̃̅̒͂͋̀̍̉́h̶̻̜͇̼̣̓̏̾̎͒̎̀̊͛i̴̼͈͇̳͂̋́̐̕ş̶̫̩͚̭̗̞̯̼̦͂̿̂͝ ̷̡̗̭́̎̓̈́̃̑͆̕͝ļ̶̮͕͕̩̍̅̃̂̀͒͐̐̍ȯ̷͓̞͈͇͖̩̹̙̝̀̄̊̃̈́͝s̸̨̠͉̼̪̱͔͐s̸̡̢̡̛̱̦̟͚̯̔̑͛͂̊.̷̢͓͚̭̣̎̏̈̽̕ͅ
- Remove makeup and cleanse skin with warm water.
- Apply face mask and eye treatment to depuff eyes. Happy sleeping!
Editor’s note: Who put this article in? Nobody else has access to this finalised copy. I don’t wish to delete it without consent, but to whoever put this in, please add byline asap.
(Please edit (& possibly delete) before publication, don’t want to make Lord Harbingers mad)
ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡ note: teehee
How to Spar Like A True Snezhnayan: Tips from Tartaglia
Lord Tartaglia (edited by Luke Pavlov)
So you recruits think those few hours in the gym will convince your superiors to send you on expeditions? Well, if you don’t want to get knocked over each time a skirmisher brushes past you in the halls, here are some tips to hold your ground in a sparring match! I, myself, follow these essential tips and tricks so my good pal Lord Capitano always has a worthy opponent!
1. Always keep your head up
A common mistake I see in anemoboxer melee sparring is keeping their heads down. What, you can’t meet the steady, awesomely unreadable gaze of that abyssal mask? (By which I mean the masks of other recruits.)
2. Defend well
Most recruits are used to elemental combat and not blunt fighting up close. Work on blocking, head movement, and footwork. In the field, you never know when you might be left with counterreactive elements that leave you vaporised or frozen.
3. Don’t forget to breathe
Remember to breathe once at least every 120 seconds. (Editor’s note: for those without delusions or other powers Lord Harbingers may possess, short exhalations will do.) Whatever you do, don’t tense yourself up, especially if you’re fighting in rocky Liyuean terrain or slippery marshes.
And there you have it! Keep on training so you can fight for our cause. If these don’t work – well, would you rather head down to Lord Dottore’s lab to become ‘enhanced’?
Lady Signora Cooks, Melts Hearts!
Andriy Adamovich
ZAPOLYARNY– Literally. In Lord Arlecchino’s first major campaign Monday to actually take care of and nourish the orphans, Lady Signora was cooking hot dishes and food for the children, burning down a large portion of the Northern wing in the process.
Others involved included Lord Sandrone, Lord Scaramouche, and Lord Pulcinella, the latter overseeing the overall process. Lady Signora was meant to be using her Pyro powers to more efficiently cook borscht, but Lord Scaramouche had allegedly been “annoying” her and fanning the flames – both figuratively and literally – with his Anemo vision and caused a fire to break out.
“Thank god none of my children were hurt,” says Lord Arlecchino, whose orphans were safely evacuated in time by Marionette’s ruin machine. “I mean, we have little Pyotr who had to have a leg amputated afterwards, so he’s basically useless as a soldier, but otherwise I’m positively grateful that everyone else was perfectly preserved.”
Lord Scaramouche gives his account: “So basically, that bitch [LORD SCARAMOUCHE’S LANGUAGE DOES NOT REFLECT ZAPOLYARNY WEEKLY’S PERSONAL VIEWS ON THE LORD HARBINGERS] was trying to, I don’t know, burn some shit for the kids? Like they haven’t suffered enough? And Cap gave us some tomatoes he harvested, and she just– chucked them into a pot. I’m pretty sure some of her fancy-ass nails chipped off into it. So I was like, motherfucker, I think some of your caked-on makeup is flaking off into the soup! So the bitch is like, get the fuck out of here, Scaramouche, so I – you know, I gave her a little lighthearted sock in the arm. And then it escalated because Signora’s a cunt and so I activated my vision and her stupid dress caught on fire. Serves her right for wearing every piece of silk known to man on her shoulders.”
Lady Signora has suffered no casualties, since Lord Pulcinella was the only one who thought of grabbing a fire extinguisher and dousing the flames. He was last seen making sure she had a ‘trauma blanket’ wrapped around her shoulders. When she was asked for her report, she simply flipped our reporters off and told us we could “shove our stupid newsletter up our [REDACTED]”.
When Lord Sandrone was asked for her thoughts, she said: “It was so funny I was half-contemplating to hide the fire extinguishers until the old man got to them first.”
Being A Pyro Agent: It’s Not Really What It’s All Cracked up to Be
Leo Alexeyev
You know, most people tell me, “Leo, you look really scary as an agent!” or “Gee, Leo, you’re good with a blade!” or “Please don’t hurt my wife and kids, I’ll pay you next week!”, when really, I’m just your average Snezhnayan fellow working to serve my Queen and country.
I’ve been running on missions and debt collection coming to easily 3 years now. My experience has been positive, overall, with ups and downs, but most people seem to think that my life is basically a diluted version of a Harbinger’s – which I can tell you firsthand that it’s not .
My daily routine goes something like this: I wake up each morning at 4 and commence my workouts. Then I eat breakfast (vodka) and that keeps me going for the rest of the day, aside from field rations and such. I’m stationed in Sumeru, so I mainly go from village to village collecting debt for the Fatui and exterminating liabilities or my targets. You might say, “hey, Leo, that sounds pretty fun! The adrenaline and those adventures must be pretty exciting!”. I can tell you that it is not.
Firstly, the standard-issue Pyro agent uniform is perfect for Snezhnayan weather, but not deserts and rainforests. The air is hot and muggy in the marshes and swamps, and the desert is scorching hot. I thought I was going to die out there in the heat: the hood is lined with fur that keeps frost away, but it suffocates you and traps heat. Also, the compulsory mask really sucks when you’re sweating buckets under your hood, and the Pyro doesn’t help, either.
Secondly, being an agent means you’re the number one target for Lord Tartaglia’s sparring sessions. Whenever he’s itching for a fight (i.e. all the time), and the Harbingers are all away, he’s turning to the agents because the cicin mages and mirror maidens are smart enough to avoid him. It doesn’t matter if you’re bruised and battered after a mission, he’s going for your ass anyway.
Thirdly, there are adventurers that can and will hunt you down for rewards. Quite recently, my comrades and I were forced to flee after a blond traveller from the Adventurer’s Guild attacked our camps out of nowhere, despite us being Fatuus. It was uncalled for and we all emerged pretty battered – only to face 5 Rishboland tigers pouncing on us because they thought we looked like prey.
All in all, would not recommend the Pyro agent experience. 3/10.
Weather
Monday – SNOW
Tuesday – SNOW
Wednesday – SNOW
Thursday – SNOW
Friday – SNOW
Saturday – CELESTIA’S RECKONING
Sunday – SNOW
*forecasts may not be accurate, reports taken from Lord Pierro’s interview with Lord Columbina whilst she was high on sugar.
Is Lord Pantalone Gay?
Ekaterina Romanova
Last week, the palace was abuzz with rumours that our esteemed Lord Pantalone was homosexual. This otherwise baseless rumour has been circulating around for a long time, ever since Lord Pantalone was caught curling his hair in his quarters by a recruit who had accidentally walked in.
“There’s nothing gay about being effeminate. These rumours just perpetuate stereotypes,” comments Lord Pierro. “For example, I am from Khaenri’ah and I do not feel any hilichurlistic tendencies. Homosexual urges are perfectly normal.”
Lord Scaramouche surprisingly voices his agreement: “Nothin’ wrong with wanting to look good. Eyeliner rocks, by the way.” Lord Scaramouche was reportedly putting on black eyeliner and black nail polish at the time of his comment.
However, other Lords seem to disagree. Lord Signora says: “It’s not just the hair curlers. It’s his whole image that’s undeniably camp . It’s the sluttish waist. It’s his way of speaking. I am so certain that Regrator likes men that I would bet all my Mora on it.”
Reporters approached Lord Dottore in his laboratory whilst he was dissecting a recruit, and he gave his opinion, saying that Lord Pantalone ‘displayed highly homosexual behaviour’. Sir Alpha says: “Have you seen his rings? His demeanour? What other conclusions could you draw from that?” Later, sir Prime clarified on behalf of all the rest of the clones that they were not homophobic – simply disdainful of Pantalone himself.
“It’s because he’s from Liyue, isn’t he?” deadpans Lord Arlecchino. “Everyone is going ‘ohh, Pantalone is gay’ just because he’s a native Liyuean. And it’s true, look at them. I’m not one to stereotype but Liyueans are just…flaming homosexuals. On the topic, you know who else is gay? Tartaglia. Don’t cut this part out, everyone needs to know . This part goes out to you, Childe. I know what you fucking are.”
Lord Columbina, who was laying on Lord Arlecchino’s lap at time of comment, was sleeping, so we did not manage to get her opinions.
When reporters finally asked Lord Pantalone whether he was homosexual or not outside his quarters two nights ago, he opened the door wearing a nightgown and nightcap with his hair in rollers, and said, “Do I look like I am?”
We are unsure as to what his answer meant. Later on, Lord Pantalone clarified in a meeting that in his sleep-deprived state he had misheard the question as ‘are you slay?’. He has not entertained any further comments about his sexuality, so for now, whether Lord Pantalone likes men or not is a question yet to be answered. In the meantime, male recruits are encouraged to 'shoot their shot', especially with how gorgeous our Lord is.
Top 10 Sexiest Celebrities in Teyvat Ranked!
- Tianquan Ningguang
Aside from being the most powerful political figure in one of Teyvat’s most prosperous trading hubs, she’s also the most eligible for a sugar mommy! Yes, please!
- Kamisato Ayato
The head of the Kamisato clan and the Yashiro commissioner, this elegant Hydro-wielding man is sure to get us wet in one way or another.
- Pyro Archon Murata
The flaming hot Pyro archon sure can wage war on us anytime.
- Lord Tartaglia
Our very own Lord Tartaglia ranks seventh for his flirtatious personality and slim waist. He may be ginger but he deserves a spot here.
- Guuji Yae Miko
The head of the Grand Narukami Shrine in Inazuma, this foxy lady riles people up in no time. We volunteer as shrine maiden!
- Diluc Ragnvindr
A smoking hot, brooding, bachelor who also dominates the wine industry…you know what else we’d let him dominate?
- Acting Grand Sage Alhaitham
Not much is known about him, but his sudden rise in power has given him – and those juicy abs – a whole lot more attention. Suddenly, we want to enrol in the Akademiya…
- La Signora
Another Lady Harbinger ranks third this time on the list! She won’t hesitate to have you hung, drawn, and quartered, but she could kick us anytime.
- Il Capitano
That’s right, folks, another Lord Harbinger – this time ranked second! Is one of the criterion to become a Harbinger sexiness? Whatever it is, it’s not just his leniency that makes him such a popular leader…
- Geo Archon Rex Lapis
If this is treason, at least it’s sexy treason. Have you seen those Statues of the Seven? He should be Archon of Pyro instead!
Ask Miss Mirror!
Dear Miss Mirror,
If I’m being honest, I only subscribed to Zapolyarny Weekly for your advice column. Your weekly advice is always the best and I’ve never imagined that I’d have the opportunity to write here one day!
I’m having a big problem. I am a male pyro agent working under the East Wing under the 3rd company, overseen by Lord Capitano, and occasionally we work with the vanguards and legionnaire. I have had the great pleasure of working particularly closely with a geochanter bracer who henceforth I will address as “V”. We have been working together for about 2 years now, assisting each other in combat and debt collection, and I hope to say that he enjoys my company as much as I his. Many times, he closely saved me from near death and injuries and always makes sure to head to the medical wing with me after missions together.
I will now come to the bigger situation. Recently, our platoon has announced that they will be sending a small batch of soldiers, one of which is V, to accompany an important shipment through a specific region of Inazuma. Based on my prior knowledge of that area, I soon grew concerned about V’s welfare and have been unable to sleep for some time now.
Before this, I was unconcerned with the idea of death in serving my country, but now I am selfishly hoping for V to somehow withdraw from the mission. I am highly confused by the emotions churning in my gut. It’s human to shy away from death like a coward…but I’ve never felt this strongly before. What is this? What should I do?
Yours,
Shaken Soldier
Dear Shaken Soldier,
It seems like you’re having a crisis that stems not just from V’s mission, but your own feelings towards him as well.
Based on your letter alone, it seems you’re harbouring some particularly intense emotions towards V. From my perspective, it sounds quite akin to love of some sort, whether platonic or romantic – though I feel more inclined towards the latter. I understand the grief of losing a loved one and I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else.
Of course, V’s priority should be serving our country and the Tsaritsa. But if the mission truly is a treacherous and dangerous one, I am certain he has the skillset necessary to cope with such dangers. It’s natural for one to be worried when someone they love leaves them, too. I suggest for you to come clean to V and settle all prior matters before he goes – namely, your affection towards him and your anxiety.
Take some time to calm down. It is always important to prioritise self care while V is away. Consult other trusted friends and loved ones on the matter too. Whatever happens, always be prepared and know that V is a brave man.
All the best!
Tsaritsa bless,
Miss Mirror