Chapter Text
After several hours of tests designed to be failed by most trolls who weren't him, a few interviews that were so beyond uncomfortably scrutinizing of various private aspects of his life he wasn't even sure they mattered or if the interviewer was just a gossip hound, and a whole lot of waiting alone in a bright, pristinely clean room, Kankri Vantas had by now gotten his fill of the so called Fair Cull Association and wanted nothing more than to peel the skin free of his own face. Much more of this and he might just tell them to decide on their own what to do with him, his nerves already frayed from living with Cronus. But he couldn't leave things to the writ of her luminescence alone, because if he didn't push then he'd be pushed, straight into another "well meaning" coolblood's hive.
The stars above know his chances of surviving that were slim, if only in reference to his own mental health. To wait for a decision to be made about him he was given a small block with a window even tinier than the porthole he'd had on the ship. It was clean enough to set him at ease, neat and tidy, but empty. There was no life to this block, or to the moonlit yard outside. He sat down on the sleeping platform and pondered why they would bother buying sopor blankets instead of actual ‘cupes, then remembered how young some of the culled trolls could be. Right, wouldn't want any incompetent warmbloods drowning in their own sopor...
The moons whirled slowly around the sky as the hours passed with no response from anyone. He stared at the door, beginning to think perhaps they'd forgotten about him. Hunger scratched at his insides and spurred him into action, leaving the room to return to the head office where The Matron sat. A Jade as was traditional, though her workers all seemed to be blue or even a shade colder here and there, and she was dressed as simple and clean as the block he'd waited in. She didn't look up when he came to the open door, and when he cleared his throat she merely spared him a single glance before continuing to tap away on the husktop. Kankri began to feel offended that she would ignore him like this and strode into the block, leaning over her desk.
"Excuse me for interrupting what I assume to be extremely important business, but I believe you should by now have the results from my evaluation and I'm sure it's well beyond time for me to be given an answer. Will you allow me access to a new hive or shall I take another test of competence?" It was so difficult not to sneer and narrow his eyes when she looked up and sighed.
"My dear one, if you were going to be reassigned a hive you would already be gone. My suggestion is to go down to the nutrition hall and eat before going to bed, they'll be cleaning up soon and I'd hate for you to go hungry. In the morning you'll be entered into the system properly and given a medical check-up. Off with you." She waved him out while he sputtered, crossing his arms and sucking in a breath through his nose.
"I will not be treated like this, I'm a grown troll with the ability to care for mys-" She shook her head and spoke over him easily.
"You're hardly grown and certainly unable to care for yourself, the paperwork says you're belligerent, which is only going to land you in trouble and potentially a jail cell, and possibly delusional about your own abilities. I am /truly/ sorry but you're just not fit to be on your own. Beyond your mental capacity I don't think you're at a healthy weight, I'd like to keep an eye on your eating habits." The more words came out of her mouth the more kankri paled and widened his eyes.
"... Excuse me? Delu- I am most certainly not delusional! And given a proper allowance I'll be able to feed myself just fine, I-"
"Go where I have told you to go, Kankri. We are certified for this, we know what's best for you. If you continue to fight the help you need then correctional action will be unavoidable, am I clear?" Kankri's throat tightened up like he swallowed a rock and something cold and sick settled in his gut, but he did leave. And he did find the nutrition hall, though when he went to eat he found it almost impossible.
They didn't care, not about what he wanted at any rate. He had hoped they'd at least try, at least let him prove he could go it alone, but it seemed they knew he was staying before giving him those tests. He controlled himself-- he mechanically ate his food and walked back to the block he'd been given, and sat on the bed before allowing himself to react. At first all that would come were short breaths but after undressing and crawling entirely under the sopor blanket he managed to let himself weep. This isn't better. It isn't worse but it wasn't an escape.
Without realizing he'd fallen asleep, he woke up to a soft knock on the door and a gentle voice calling for him to come out and talk. His back and neck hurt from sleeping on a solid object but a quick stretch and the movements to dress loosened him up enough to open the door.
"please excuse my not being entirely presentable, there's no mirror in here." He shut the door behind him and eyed the tall blue-toned adult standing before him, the dim hallway placing her as either teal or cerulean. She wore a dress reaching to the floor with pinned up open sleeves, the pieces reminiscent of lily petals, and her hair was wound into a braid around the bases of her horns. Her expression was that of one looking at a particularly tiny cat and it turned Kankri's stomach.
"Don't worry about it darling, now come with me so I can show you around." She waited for him to come closer before leading him first towards the nutrition hall.
He wet his lips as he turned to her. "Refrain from any terms of endearment or pet names, they are unwanted and rather insulting since I'm almost at moulting age." She already had the coal skin of adulthood of course, while his genes clung to the dusky pupa grey he'd had for nine and a half sweeps. She giggled softly and pet his arm.
"you'll have to get used to it, I can't help myself. Besides, who doesn't enjoy being liked?" She ushered him into line just as he opened his mouth to explain to her exactly why the behavior was belittling and insulting, milling about as he sat down with his tray. Perhaps he could make a break for it while she was distracted, the possibility sped his eating and he got up when someone else passed by, watching her out of the corner of his eye as he went. He just cleared the threshold before she looked up and followed him out. It would be grubbish to run away so he heaved a sigh and waited for her. The scent of her perfume wreathed him as she came close and put a hand on his shoulder.
"You should have come to me, the tour hasn't even begun yet." Her smile would be endearing if they were friends, or if he were five sweeps younger.
"I don't plan to be here long so you needn't bother, though I appreciate the kind offer to help me get my bearings."
His response put a neat little crack in the show of sweetness when she huffed and held his shoulder tightly, physically pulling him towards a hall opposite to the one leading to his temporary respiteblock. The tour took him through every hall and floor and public block, to every worker be them troll or drone, and even out into the rather large grounds. The large, fenced in grounds. White paneling bordered the entire property taller than even his companion's horn tips. He was winded and silently nursing a complaining leg, unused to doing much more than cleaning the hive and it caused him to consider a workout routine sometime in the future.
Back in his block away from any workers or culls he began to plan. Sopor blanket shell-side at his back with his fingers linked atop his stomach he squinted at the swirled paint of the ceiling. Obviously he wouldn't be making a run for it, those panels were likely dug into the ground to prevent anyone going under and jumping them was preposterous for anyone lacking psi abilities. Talking to anyone about up and leaving on his own was met with various expressions implying his lack of foresight or otherwise unintelligence. Near the end of the night the lady from before came and brought him to the medical ward where he had to strip and allow measurements and swabs and parasite checks regardless of any physical modesty he would have liked to keep. The nurse changed his bandages on the ones that weren't yet healed enough to leave alone and the pitying look she gave him made his face burn.
"Alright Kankri you're clear of any pests or diseases, but you are underweight and malnourished and with your particular caste you'll need to be careful with those bones. You'll need to take vitamins with your evening meal." He put his clothes back on and figured she was done, turning to leave even before she spoke up. "Oh, and I'd like to speak with you in private about a particular medical procedure we feel someone like you should undergo."
That made him tense up, eying her as he pushed down his nerves. "What exactly do you mean? You said I'm perfectly fine."
She smiled sweetly and motioned for him to sit down, only continuing once he did. "You must be aware of how undesirable your position is, Kankri. It would be at best irresponsible to bring any more like you into the world." He could feel the air around him grow heavy and he sat very still.
"... You, ma'am I have no intention of having anything even resembling sexual Intercourse. I don't get those urges, I'm asexual." He though that should be clear enough but she still laughed quietly.
"/you/ may very well be, but you are not very strong and if some... Tragedy were to occur then where would you be? Because this is out of your control it is therefore not your decision. I've scheduled the surgery-" Kankri snarled and stood up.
"You will not be cutting me open or anything of that nature! I do not consent to this and I refuse to be forced into something so invasive!" She arched her brow and looked down at him, smile gone.
"Excuse me? That tone is unacceptable and I need you to sit down. This is scheduled already and the proper anesthetics will be used, you won't feel a thing."
Every cell in Kankri's body was filled with revulsion as he realized he didn't have any say here. He never did. The competency tests were a joke, something to sooth him into believing he deserved this. He. He. He could see the edges of the room and his vision narrowed in on the nurse, then slid down her dress to the floor before blank dark overtook everything.
*
The next week was like never waking up, the same routine but not his routine, food he gagged on and "vitamins" that made him feel dizzy and slow. Books that taught him nothing and Internet that was more restricted than a wigglers first huskpad. He knew the surgery was coming up but he never had the energy to ask about it beyond the initial question.
He knew they were drugging him, and he knew why, but trying not to comply resulted in them being forced down his throat and the feeling of hard hands forcing his jaw open and then holding it shut made his heartbeat jump and his skin prickle. So he took his pills and ate his meals and went to bed ahead of time. Sleep was restless and disorienting but it was better than being awake. He didn't even hesitate when they told him to go to the medical ward, then to the operation block. His hands shook but he was staring down from somewhere between his horn tips, heart beating hard in his chest as he laid down on the cushioned table. The doctor, who didn't even work here and had been called in from a city over, smiled down at him like a grimace.
"How are you feeling, Tr. Vantas? I'd like you to relax while I hold this over your mouth, okay? It'll put you to sleep for the duration of this procedure, you'll wake up later and be given appropriate pain medication." Kankri nodded and breathed in deep when the mask engulfed his maw. The medical assistant walked into the room. He
Was...
The wind was chilly against his bare skin, sand creeping up between his toes. The moon was too bright, so bright the pink was faded pale and sickening. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt the sand between his toes and looked around while hands rubbed his arms, then stomach.
"Hey chief, got a nasty feeling about this one." Kankri's brow furrowed and when he turned, cronus had moved away.
"What?"
The moon bathed cronus is phantom light, pale pink and radiant and holding bandages.
"you're falling apart, babe."
Kankri woke up sweaty, shivering under a plastic blanket with his nose filled with the tang of cleanser. An attempt at righting himself shot pain through his abdomen and his yelp brought one of the matron's underlings in with a cool glass of water and a hand at his shoulder. "You must relax, the anesthesia is wearing off and you’re too small to risk more. Drink."
The water went down like a benediction and bless the stars the pain began to subside. Of course they'd drug his water instead of letting him swallow medication, likely didn't want another 'vitamin' tussle, not with how vulnerable he was at the present moment. Kankri chose to believe it didn't matter, so long as he didn't have to feel it. He still didn't feel like he was in his body, and the sensation didn't go away even after he was allowed to return to his block roughly a week later. Only once he was surrounded by his own smell again did the room begin to feel too real and he had to pull the blanket tight around his head, sopor pressing warm against his skin and soothing straight to his blood.
They ripped out his organs and now they would place him in some highblood's care and he wanted nothing more than to /go home/. Any home that he could call his own, that he didn't need to share. The mattress met his back and his head spun, breaths coming in fast and face flushing. He was tired of feeling helpless, so much so he couldn't stand the idea of ending up with someone like Cronus or worse.
With that in mind, the sopor dragged him to sleep.
*
The first troll to 'court' him was a homely looking teal, slow enough in the pan that she didn't truly realize what he was saying to her for a solid half hour. She left in tears and he was made to eat his dinner with the Matron.
"Kankri, you cannot be so rude to people that come here with the intent to care for you. Not only does it lower your chances of leaving, which I might remind you that you were once keen on, but it reflects on us." her daffodil scleria shown brightly in the comfortable dim of the office and he didn't bother to repress a snide chip of laughter.
"Oh excuse me for not being on my best behavior while trolls come to ogle and prod me, should I save the big words until I've gone home with a prime candidate? Have them spend the money first then bring me back?" He took a small bite of tuber mush, cracking small season-bugs with his teeth. The Matron scowled.
"Absolutely not, you must behave yourself at all times like a respectful cull. This is for your benefit, gratitude should be forefront in your pan."
"My mistake, I seem to have missed the line in my binding contract stating that I absolutely must enjoy being sold as a lap-" Her growl cut him off and sent his heart into his throat, face neutral save for widened eyes. Her skin had begun to glow in warning.
"Do you need to be put into behavioral therapy? You'll never find a good culler if you continue to be so arrogant and thoughtless."
Kankri forgot his instinctual fear and set his tray aside, standing up quickly. "Behavioral therapy?! First you don't think I'm smart enough to live alone, then I'm not strong enough to avoid /sex/ so you sterilize me, now you want to turn me into a sweet little invalid?!" the room got very bright and it was hard to look right at her, which proved inconvenient when she leaned right into his face.
"I want you to act like a civilized troll, Kankri. Since you seem to not have been raised with any manners whatsoever, I'll be scheduling daily therapy for you that will last until it works. Am I clear?"
Kankri was anything but stupid, hardly eligible for being called rash, and even afterward with his hand stinging he couldn't have begun to explain himself. The slap didn't seem to affect her beyond pupils shrinking to hair-width. He flushed and jerked back as if to run away but she grabbed his shirt with iron fingers. She pulled him around the desk, ignoring how he stumbled, and yanked him down to sprawl over her lap. The pressure on his abdomen hurt and he gasped in shock when she pulled his pants down. Kankri grabbed her knee and snarled up at her at an angle that made his neck complain.
"How fucking dare you-eep!" Her palm came down with a ringing slap and he flushed hotly, shame turning his face bright red.
"Mind your language." She slapped his rear again, which made him jolt and feel queezy.
"This is sexual harassment and you had better stop touching me or I'll report you!" Her hand came down twice, harder than before and his breath caught, eyes stinging.
"To whom? I'm the Matron here." by the tenth slap he had tears dripping off his chin and nails dug into the chair and her knee, legs kicking and teeth gnash tightly together. She pulled his pants up and tapped his chin without gentleness.
"Return to your seat and finish your dinner." Kankri got to his feet while refusing to wince, doing the same for sitting down. It stung his pride much more than his ass to have been punished like that, but it did still hurt and she didn't deserve whatever satisfaction might come with seeing him behave differently. He wanted so badly to dump the food on the ground and storm out but she sure as hell wouldn't be cleaning it up, and she might /spank/ him again like he's a wiggler.
He ate his dinner, and organized some files for the Matron before being walked to his block and forbidden from leaving until the evening. So of course he made extra ablution trips, just to be difficult.
*
Behavioral therapy was nothing more than being grubsat with a bunch of mentally... Inhibited individuals. Some spoke abnormally, some seemed to have physical issues, a lot had tics. Where they'd flail or shout or rock or turn their head and look at him, away, at him, away. He felt so out of place he could barely stand it, but he wasn't the only one placed here as a punishment, there were a few trolls who seemed perfectly normal.
He stayed near them mostly. One of them, a girl with horns that spiraled straight up in gentle curves, had a tight smile as he spoke to her.
"-... So I believe it's safe to say we've been put in here as what some might believe to be an insult about our mental capabilities, but you seem fine to me and really if we all made a concise effort I'm sure we could all just never come back here again." He waited for a response, and saw her smile flicker.
"I look fine... Because I'm making a continued effort not to rip your arms off and beat you with them. I have stood here and listened to you talk like a FUCKER about all these people and YOU JUST KEEP GOING! YOU GOT NO OFF SWITCH!" She took one step towards him and he leapt backward towards the door, narrowly missing her reaching, filed down claws. Two 'trainers' grabbed her and one took kankri into the private block reserved for one-to-one sessions. His blood pressure spiked further and he flared his nostrils.
"I've done nothing, what seems to be the issue n-" the trainer shooshed him, thumb actually touching Kankri's lip for a moment. He was so flabbergasted he fell silent.
"You need to learn how to simply stay quiet." The trainer's voice was soft and smooth, something about it made Kankri's gut tighten while his nerves sung. "I believe the first step to you accomplishing a more open and pleasant demeanour will be if you learn, well mostly when to speak. The rule will be not to until the appropriate moment presents itself."
Kankri stared at him before scoffing and moving to leave until the trainer pulled him back in. He shoved the hands away and looked down his nose at the troll almost an inch taller than him. “Excuse you, I didn’t give you or anyone else permission to touch me, and i believe you need to learn when to touch people, which is absolutely never unless invited-”
“-Kankri this is not good behavior-”
“-And further more I don’t at all appreciate being pulled aside and admonished directly after someone tried to cause me harm-”
“-Kankri-”
“-You call yourselves /the better cull association/ what a joke honestly-”
He was caught off guard when a hand made contact with his face and his lids drooped. then another and his jaw went slack. His brow furrowed and he took an unsteady step back just after another soft slap had his joints untensing. “What.... what are you doing to me? Stop that.”
“This is just a calming technique my hue is capable of, don’t be afraid it will wear off.” He was lowered into a chair and the sensation of hands smoothing his hair back almost made his throat rumble softly. Almost, the idea was too embarrassing so he crushed it, fought it down.
“I don’t....” His tongue felt heavy and when the troll stopped touching him he just sat there and stared at the far wall. An eternity of this, an eternity of sitting and staring and drifting took place before things began to stop feeling fuzzy and ethereal.The trainer had sat with him for the duration.
“Feeling more cooperative? Do you think we might now continue our talk from before?” Despite the bile pooling in his throat he nodded, eyes narrowed in distaste. The trainer smiled and allowed him to at least get up and stand at the far wall, arms crossed. “Now, let’s discuss how best to help you overcome your oppositional attitude, and help you develop better ways to interact on a social level.”