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Peter was having an ok day. Emphasis on the was.
Now he’s currently tied to a chair by his wrist and ankles with a blindfold over his eyes.
And, as the blindfold is ripped away, he realizes this wasn’t a joke kidnapping by Clint and Sam again (he bet them they couldn’t do it. He was wrong.). But it was an actual, proper kidnapping. They were in a creepy warehouse and everything.
Today just went from ok to great!
Peter hadn’t been kidnapped in ages. He’s happy to see he’s still desirable.
Now that he could see, he made eye contact with the 3 other people in the room. They were all wearing black ski masks covering their faces.
Cliché much.
The one closest to Peter grinned maliciously and started laughing.
“Well hi there kid. Don’t start screaming or we’ll gag you.”
“Uh huh”, Peter replied in a deadpan tone before yawing. He was tired, sue him. And the drive over, in the back of what was probably a white van, was incredibly dull.
The yawn clearly didn’t deter his kidnappers, as one of them let out what Peter could only assume was supposed to be an evil laugh. It sounded more like the guy was constipated.
The guy then held up Peter’s phone in front of his face to unlock it. “We’re just going to give your dad a little call and make a few demands.” Their companions laughed at that. “But don’t worry. We probably won’t have to hurt you too much.”
They clearly expected some form of begging from Peter, and when they only got some small blinks from the boy they just threatened, the kidnapper huffed and pressed call.
They but the phone on speaker, obviously hoping that if his dad heard him begging for his life, he would give into their demands.
What they did not expected was for Tony Stark to respond to the phrase: “Mr Stark, we have just kidnapped you son and am holding him hostage”, by saying “Good. Keep him.” And then promptly hanging up on the kidnappers.
Peter laughed out loud at that. The kidnappers did not.
They called him back, thinking maybe he was just in shock.
“Mr Stark if you do not give into our demands we will torture your son in front of you.” Kidnapper number 1 said, Turing the phone camera on and angling it so Tony could see Peter’s bored face.
“Hi dad!” He said, very cheerfully for someone who is currently tied to a chair in a random warehouse.
Tony grinned back at him. “Pete, how many times have I told you. You can’t get yourself kidnapped just so you don’t have to go to school.” He shook his head disappointedly but Peter knew he was joking.
“Hey! This time it wasn’t my fault!” He grumbled. “You follow someone into a van due to the promise of puppies one time and your dad never lets it go. What a bitch, am I right?” He looked at the kidnappers for help.
They didn’t seem to agree with his sentiment. Oh well.
“I know you like dogs kid but come on. Anyway I’m very busy right now so I’m going to leave you with these lovely kidnappers. Have fun on your playdate!”
“I will dad!” Peter said grinning at the phone. “If anything these guys did me a favor. I had a Spanish test I was not ready for today.”
At that his dad hung up the phone again and Peter looked back at the kidnappers expectantly.
They were just standing there in shock. Wow, clearly they didn’t have much experience kidnapping.
Finally, one of them started talking again. “What the fuck was that?!” He looked to his companions for help. “Playdate must be code for something.”
Peter laughed. He did use a code but that wasn’t it. Mentioning a made up spanish test was basically telling his dad: ‘I’m good, these guys are morons and I’m bored anyway so take your time rescuing me.’ Which gives Peter about 20 mins to mess with these guys before his dad bursts through the door.
This’ll be fun.
“Playdate is code for something. It’s code for deez.”
The kidnappers looked between themselves, worried that iron man was going to break in any second. “What does deez mean?”
Peter leaned forward like he was about to tell them a secret. “SUCK DEEZ NUTS!” Peter yelled falling back in the chair he was tied to, laughing hysterically.
One of them took a gun out from their pocket and pointed it at Peter’s head. The other two just stood there in shock.
“Ha! You really think that’ll intimidate me?” Peter questioned, cocking his head to the side.
“You know who my dad is. I’ve been kidnapped more times than you’ve… I don’t know… what do criminals do a lot? Smuggled drugs on planes?”
The kidnapper furthest away from him spoke for the first time: “I’ve never been on a plane.” They looked down at their feet, sounding kind of sad.
“Really? You should go on one. Go to Italy it’s lovely this time of year. My dad takes time there all the time.”
The kidnapper’s friends gestured widely at their comrade to stop talking but they continued.
“My dad never took me on holiday. He never had time for me.” There was definite sadness in his voice.
Peter continued the conversation, wanting to see where this would go.
“Wow that’s sad. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know, he was always too busy for me. He never told me he was proud of me. I’m not sure he even loved me.”
Peter could hear sniffles from behind the man’s ski mask.
One of the other kidnappers put their head in their hands.
“That reminds me of my friend Joe”, Peter continued. “He went through something similar with his dad. But he’s good now. In fact I think you know him.”
“Really? Joe who?”
“JOE MAMA!” Peter said, laughing so hard he felt tears leaving his eyes. He almost broke the back of the chair off with his super strength due to how hard he was laughing.
The kidnapped sniffled some more and looked to their companions for help. “That was so mean…”
Peter just continued laughing, just about managing to speak between his giggles: “Hey! Hey! Who wrote that song ‘Believer’?”
One of the kidnappers looked to him like they were about to answer however the one holding the gun at Peter’s head started speaking first.
“No one answer him!”
They sounded exasperated and a little bit baffled. But mostly angry. Maybe Peter shouldn’t have antagonized the person holding a gun to his head. Oh well. Too late to stop now.
“Hey don’t be mean to me, I have ligma.”
“Whats-“
“I said no one answer him!”
Ok they were definitely angry now.
They looked to Peter, pure rage dripping from their voice. They held out a piece of cloth to their friend. “Can someone shut it up please!”
Wow. How dare they.
“Uhhh that actually goes against my human right to free speech.” Peter helpfully told them in case they didn’t already know.
“WE JUST KIDNAPPED YOU WE CLEARY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU HUMAN RIGHTS!”
“Well there’s no need to yell. I just thought you were stupid and didn’t know. Also, my pronouns are he/they. Not it.”
Peter could see the kidnappers face turning dark red from anger. They should go and see a doctor about that.
“I mean I can excuse the kidnapping but not using my correct pronouns is taking this too far. I’m gonna cancel you.”
The 3 of the looked to each other in bafflement, then back at the kid they have tied to a chair and are threatening with a gun. And he doesn’t seem to care very much. What the fuck is wrong with this kid?!
Peter just continued, relishing in the amount of anger floating in this one room.
“In fact, I’m gonna tweet about his right now and get twitter to cancel you.”
And that’s when he finally broke out of his bindings using his spider strength; walked up to the kidnapper with his phone; took it back and started tweeting.
All with the kidnappers standing there in shock.
And when they finally broke out of their collective stupor, all hell broke loose.
-
Tony was having a good day. Even considering his son was currently kidnapped and being held in a warehouse.
Peter gets kidnapped all the time, and he used their code so Tony knew he was fine. He was going to finish what he was doing, before slowly making his way over to where Peter’s phone was.
Did those morons not think ‘The Tony Stark’ couldn’t track a phone?
If they were really that stupid, he couldn’t imagine what hell Peter was putting them through right now.
In fact, a few kidnappings ago, they actually let Peter go because he was so annoying and they couldn’t take it anymore. Tony found him knocking on the door to their headquarters, singing Sweet Caroline at the top of his voice and asking to be let back in.
The kidnappers were cowering inside.
So it’s safe to say that Tony wasn’t worried. Peter could easily break out of the rope they tied around him at any time.
And evidently, he already had, as Tony’s phone chose that moment to buzz.
And sure enough, there was a tweet by his lovely (slightly moronic) son:
-
Peter ✔️ @miniStark
just been kidnapped and they aren’t using my correct pronouns :( 2/10 kidnapping would not do it again — please cancel them for me twitter
Posted 6 seconds ago
23k replies 16k retweets 67k likes
-
Tony grinned at his phone, reading the replies which ranged from “Huge L, imagine being kidnapped”- Shuri to “OMG PETER WHERE ARE YOU ARE YOU OK?!”- most of the general public.
After spending a few minutes reveling in the twitter chaos that Peter has caused- like father like son- Tony finally stop up, donned the suit and flew out the window to rescue the kidnappers from his son.