Archive of Our Own ^beta

It sounded like a good idea at first. 

Maybe not good, but at the very least bearable. It sounded like a couple of hours away from the house if anything, away from her parents and from Rin trying to rope her into watching a movie where half the cast ends disemboweled by the end. It sounded—not ideal, but at least better than any other option. Just get a drink, try not to vomit at the song choices and simply stare at the pretty lights from a quiet corner while everyone else embarrasses themselves on the dance floor. Easy enough.

Then again, there are some things you can just simply never account for. Like storms. Or a car breaking down.

Or Shidou Ryusei.

"Sae-chaaaaaaaan!!!"

It's like a glittery tornado just hit the middle of the club, whooshing across the dance floor bumping into everyone, face sweaty and smiling. Sae spins the glass between her hands, watches her approach. The way she can even walk in those platform boots is a mystery of physics.

"Hey, watch where the fuck you are going bitch!" 

Sae stares at the scene as it unfolds. Ryusei looks up at the words, stares at the boy who almost just spilt his drink all over her top—then just elbows him straight in the stomach without a blink. It must've been a hard one, too—the guy crumbles immediately, ass first on the sticky floor. 

The boy screams at her again, words lost in the slamming of music.

Ryusei just blows him a kiss before continuing her path.

"Sae-channnnn," she sing-songs when she’s finally close enough, like she's trying to wear out her name or something, like her ears have adapted to the booming of the music and now she keeps half-shouting as reflex.

Sae sighs. She could be at home watching a movie or something. Quiet and relaxed. It sounds like a better plan now than it did three hours ago. No hyper-saturated lights or cheap rat-poison disguised as gin or uncomfortable polyester sofas.

"You look so good tonight, Sae-chan," Ryusei beams, spills a bit of her drink on the floor in the process. "You're so pretty."

Sae looks at herself, stares at the very-basic blue halter top and jeans she's wearing, then looks up. "You are so beyond drunk."

Ryusei giggles, further proving the point. Her head tilts a bit, pigtails and heart-shaped earrings dangling a little, makeup glittering. Under blue lights her hair looks ice-white, sweaty strands sticking to her face.

"Sae-chan."

God. 

"What."

"Do you like my outfit?"

It's a ridiculous outfit. All baby-pink and flowy, a long-sleeved crop top tied at her chest with a matching skirt, shiny thick boots to match, like a fist-fight between cotton candy and a cowboy gone wrong. Sae hadn’t seen it before tonight—it must be new. It fits her skin tone though. There's also this stretch of stomach uncovered between the edge of her top and the waist of her skirt, sharp ab lines peeking through the— 

"I don't care about your outfit."

"Hmm," Ryusei taps her glass with her nails for a moment as in thought, then looks up again, back to smiling. "Sae-chan."

"What."

"Dance with me."

There it goes.

Sae sighs, raises an eyebrow. "Don't even start. First warning."

"Aw come on, don't be like that," she sulks. God, even her voice sounds unstable. Taking her home is going to be hell tonight. "Dance with me!”

Sae turns the glass between her hands slowly again, watches it catch the light. "Second warning."

Ryusei puffs out her cheeks, pouting. "Just one, I promise just one dance and then I'll leave you alone."

Just one. You could almost believe her.

Luckily Sae knows better.

"It would not be just one."

It takes a second. Then Ryusei just grins, this time vicious and wolfish, like she's known what she was trying the whole time. There it is.

"Of course it wouldn't be."

Sae looks up at her for a moment again, stares at Ryusei's grin. What does Ryusei think will happen now? Sae is not going out there—and she knows, which means she's just asking because—actually, Sae doesn't know why. She just asks. And asks. And Sae keeps saying no. And then she always asks again anyways.

It's so annoying. Insufferable. 

It really, really should be be.

"So?" Ryusei does a one-eighty again and pouts, palms pressed together as much as her drink allows her to. "Pretty pretty please?"

Sae pictures it for a second. Her own hand stretching out, Ryusei grabbing it immediately and then pulling her forward—towards the middle of the dance floor, because of course that's where Ryusei would want to be. The beat is hard, some techno shit. Ryusei would pull her close, would try to hold her waist. The lights would switch, orange, ice-blue, bubblegum-pink. She's so tall, taller now with the boots, taller than Sae who's just wearing flats so maybe she'd try picking her up which Sae would hate and then they would spin around and spin and Ryusei would laugh as Sae gets dizzy and—

"Sooo—"

"Third warning, dog. Leave."

The pout is hearable now, which should be nonsense except it's Shidou Ryusei, so of course it makes sense. Sae stares at the wall and resolutely ignores the slamming of her heart against her skull.

"Okay, whatever," Ryusei sulks, then places both hands on Sae's thighs and leans forward anyway, breaking into a sudden smile. "I can crash at your house after, right?"

Her hands are so warm even through the jeans. She smells of strawberry too, and smoke from a couple of cigs probably, and also of her.

Sae sighs. She regrets so many things in life right now. "Yeah."

Ryusei lights up instantly, then dives forward and before Sae can even fucking react she’s grabbing her head with both hands and kissing her forehead, sweat and all because she just can't understand fucking boundaries or behave like a normal person—

“Fuck, why do you always—”

Ryusei jumps away before she's caught and grins like she’s not hearing a thing, already walking backwards. "See ya later eyelashes! Don't miss me too much!"

"You're always around dog, you're impossible to—"

—miss, except she's already out on the dance floor again, making her way towards the zone where Sae knows the music is loudest.

The drink in her hand is slightly lukewarm when Sae takes her next sip, slowly, letting the bitterness of the gin sit.

When she breathes in, the smell of strawberry lingers.

It's somehow quieter with Ryusei gone. It should be ridiculous, because they are in the middle of a club but it just is, somehow. It’s like the music quietens, the lights switched lower. Like the energy drifts wherever she goes, which good because Sae likes being left alone with some peace and quiet, but also annoying, like her own brain is always measuring everything around her in its before-Ryusei and after-Ryusei states.

Then again it’s an inevitability of sorts. Sae notices things. She's meticulous like that, observant.

—and Shidou Ryusei is a very, very hard thing not to notice.

"One day she's gonna stop asking, you know."

Sae doesn’t jump. She doesn’t.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Aiku is a shadow in ice-blue lighting, black hair all slicked back, skin-tight dress—and she's grinning, which bodes well for nobody but herself.

"Oh, the days when she was just an annoying puppy that trailed after you everywhere. Long gone, right?"

Her stare is sharp. Too sharp. Dangerous. Sae is suddenly glad she had only one sprite-and-gin and called it quits for the night.

"She's still an annoying dog. And she still trails after me everywhere."

"Oh but there's a difference, baby," Aiku plops down next to her, then grins. "That dog? You are in love with it now."

Sae turns and stares away from Aiku, watches the lights swirl in colors. Her eyes roam towards the dance floor, search for glints of ice-blonde or glittery pink before she realizes what the fuck she's doing and then looks ahead again, straight at the wall.

Walls are nice to look at. Sturdy. Safe. They also don't wear stupidly short skirts.

"She likes you too, you know."

The drink in her glass is already all the way to lukewarm. Sae takes another sip anyway. "I said I don't know what you are talking about."

"Come on, don't play dumb."

Sae knows that voice, like Aiku is talking to a child. Her are-you-a-fucking-idiot voice. Great.

"Don't you have better things to do?" Sae asks, voice dry. "Like suck face with some disgusting critter in the bathroom?"

Aiku raises an eyebrow, then proceeds to ignore her words completely. "Sae, that girl is more obsessed with you than your average school-boy is with pussy. Also don't think I didn't realize you didn’t deny the part about you liking her."

"I didn't deny it because it's absurd."

Sae doesn't like her. God, Sae barely tolerates her as it is. Ryusei is noisy, chaotic, intense—she’s live wire and a full-wattage shock and she's every little thing Sae isn’t and will never be, every little thing Sae can't even bear. Sae won't ever take her sweaty hand in a club. Sae will never dance with her, will never go where the music is loudest. 

She could never be what Ryusei wants.

Aiku snorts. "You serious?" Sae doesn't answer. "For fuck’s sake girl, she flirts with you all the time, you can't be this oblivious." 

"She flirts with everyone. She thinks it's funny."

Aiku turns her head a little and Sae already knows she won't understand. She wouldn't want to explain it either. Aiku knows Sae, has orbited her life somewhat-closely for a couple of years now: she doesn't know Ryusei. Ryusei is Sae's to know since they were fifteen and Ryusei latched onto her, wonky pigtails and sharp grin. No one is going to understand her the way Sae does.

Aiku sets her glass on the table slowly. She must be staring at Sae now. Sae is too busy still staring at the wallpaper instead.

"Be serious now. Are you really this fucking dumb, biphobic or just in denial?"

"Leave it, Aiku."

"Also she has actually hooked up with girls too, not just flirted with them so your argument is bullshit but—"

"What—When."

The look Aiku gives her is enough for Sae to feel caught, and caught for what, exactly? 

There's nothing to catch. There's nothing here. 

Now if her heart would just fucking settle down.

"Sae—"

"Don't."

This was getting absurd. 

Aiku sighs, pinches her eyebrows. She sounds like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, because from the two she was always the one with the penchant for the dramatics.

"Sae, listen to me. That girl is obsessed with you. She'd give you the fucking moon if you asked. You could ask her to marry you and she'd just take a hairtie from her wrist and make a ring with it just so you can marry on the spot."

Sae doesn't dignify that with an answer. She wouldn't know how to make Aiku understand this either. Ryusei just—she just does this. She gets enamored with things, chases them like a dog would a car for a brief while, adores them with an intensity known to no one—and then she gets tired of them, each and every time, forgets them as soon as they are out of sight. Sae has seen it happen countless times: the martial arts, that boy from third year, graffiti, boxing, watercolors, parkour.

Nothing lasts. Nothing is important enough. 

No one is.

She can't say any of that. She makes do with the easiest version.

"I said leave me alone."

Aiku plays with the straw of her drink between her fingers for a moment, then looks up. Sae resolutely keeps staring forward, catches it all by the corner of her eye.

Aiku sighs. "The only thing in the way of you two is yourself, Sae. I suggest you get out of the way."

She stands up then, walks in the direction of the bar. Sae doesn't follow. She stares towards the dance floor instead, catches Ryusei jumping messily among the throng of bodies, all loose and grinding to the beat of one god-awful song. They are sweaty, and gross, and dancing is stupid and still there's a rattling inside Sae, shapeless maybe, or maybe in the shape of how Ryusei's sweaty, warm fingers would feel holding hers as she guides them both towards the dance floor, bodies sticky under neon lights.

Something thrashes inside her chest, wild and sharp but Sae lets it echo, lets it rattle until it's easy to pretend it's not there at all.

The bass thumps loud. Sae lets herself feel that instead, watches Ryusei become a beam of multicolor light on the dance floor, bright and electric and forever untouchable.

-

[three years ago]

"Stay away from Takamura, you fucking weirdo."

Sae raises an eyebrow, patting down her skirt. 

This was ridiculous. It had only been one month since the beginning of high school: usually it took longer for someone to want to bash Sae’s head in, and usually for different reasons than a stupid boy.

"Maybe you should tell him to stay away from me instead."

One of the girls—basic-bitch number one, Sae decides—snarls at her, gets closer. There’s four—no, five of them. Great. So was this coming to the hands or what? She hadn’t even had time to go pick up her books—

Basic-bitch pushes her out of nowhere, makes Sae stumble back. 

"You think you can just come here from Spain after two years and do whatever the fuck you want? You're not special, you know."

Oh, this one was easy. Sae switches to Spanish. "I think I could give less of a fuck about what you think."

The girl stills. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"I think you can take a guess."

“Fucking bitch," the girl spits, getting closer. "You are so gonna regret ever coming to this—”

"To this what?" a voice says behind Sae, sharp and funny.

The girls all freeze, eyes wide. 

Sae turns to see what they are staring at. 

The first word that comes to her is tall. The girl is so tall, her skin so tan. She looks foreigner but then not, like something between the two. 

Basic-bitch frowns, lip pulling up. "Go away, freak. This is isn’t your conversation."

Tall-girl just grins, then steps forward. 

It’s kind of amazing, how easy she makes it look. Tall-girl throws one kick and the next second basic-bitch is on the floor coughing dust, uniform dirty, the rest of the girls either on the floor trying to help her up or a healthy ten steps back.

“You—you fucking freaks! ” basic-bitch looks up, expression twisted. “Stay away from us! Both of you!”

Sae raises an eyebrow. “You’re of no interest to me. It won’t be a problem.”

For a second it looks like basic-bitch is about to launch again, but a stare in tall-girl's direction stops her.

Her lip pulls up, aiming for menacing probably, landing on desperately pathetic in the end. “Weirdos.”

That seems to be the last of it, at least. The girls leave as the pathetic flock they came after that, huddled together like cowards.

“Wow, that sure was fun!”

"I had it handled."

Tall-girl turns, hands on her hips, then grins. She's so weird-looking. Sae has never seen skin so tan, specially paired with that hair. So blonde, like the American girls in the movies. Also her looks. That pink choker just spells detention, just as much as the dyed tips of her hair.

She also doesn’t even look winded: the only sign of a fight are the state of her pigtails, one wonkier than the other. Or maybe it was already like that from the beginning.

"It still was fun to kick their asses!"

Sae just points in her direction. "Your hair."

"My hair?"

"Yeah. You fucked it up."

“Oh, okay, I’ll—fix it—"

It’s like watching a child. The girl frowns and then starts pulling from the elastics on her hair, cringing when she pulls too hard, just making a worse mess of the whole thing. God. And here was Sae a second away from thinking the girl could even be kind of cool.

“Fucking stop. What are you, a dog?”

The girl looks up, eyes wide, hands still on her hair. 

Sae sighs and gets closer. Her hands part one of her pigtails, pulling from both ends carefully until they are leveled one with each other again.

The girl looks up, grinning even more now. 

"I’m Shidou Ryusei!” It's such a big grin. Pretty weird-looking too, like it's about to spill from her face. Like a hyena. "And you?"

Sae raises an eyebrow. "I'm gonna leave now."

"Hey, no! Wait up!"

Sae keeps walking, ignores the girl as she starts trailing after her. She really is like a dog after all.

It’s okay, though. She'll get tired eventually. Sae doesn't need any of this.

Things are already fine the way they are.

-

"This class sucks so bad. God, like so fucking bad."

The ring of the bell almost drowns Aiku's words.

Sae hums. History not as interesting as Math, not as tidy or precise in its nature, but it could be worse. Then again she’s never been as bad as Aiku is at school. It’s a nuisance, but it just has to be done. No use in pointless complaining. 

"Hmm."

"I think that party last Saturday killed all my remaining braincells, I swear.”

"What braincells?"

Aiku stills, then sneers at her before going back to walking. "Ha ha, so funny."

Sae lifts an eyebrow. "It wasn't a joke."

Aiku snorts. "Fuck you. Not as much as that fucking assignment though. Like, who even cares about the Restoration, which—"

Sae tunes her out, stares instead out from the window of the corridor as they walk towards the stairs. Spring is settling in, cherry blossoms spilling from the branches. She may switch from tights to socks soon, if the weather keeps mellowing out. 

Her eyes roam. There's a little carpet of students making their way out of school already, catches—

It’s just because she looks so different. It’s impossible not to notice her among a crowd, pick her apart from the bunch of generic girls who all look one exactly like the other, all different shades of the same neutral color, hair dark and skin pale and short. Ryusei just—sticks out. She's impossible to miss.

Her uniform looks just as misplaced as always: the too-short skirt, loose leg-warmers, the sparkly sneakers instead of shoes she has gotten a thousand detention tickets for and still she won't stop wearing because what's the point of stupid uncomfortable shoes if they are also ugly, Sae-chan. She's wearing her hair in two low braids today, loose strands on her face, singing to something on her earphones and she looks so ridiculous singing so carelessly like that and—

A boy stops her. 

Ryusei looks surprised, but instantly pops out one of her earphones and cracks a grin with a speed that could give anyone whiplash. Sae knows that grin: teasing, sharp—half-lazy and half-predatory, animal-adjacent, like you are about to become her next fresh meal if you're not entertaining enough. Unsettling enough to turn away ninety percent of the student population.

The boy sees it and—blushes.

Something in Sae wakes up lazily, starts bumping against her ribs. The window pane is cold when she presses fingers against the glass. 

She can’t tell what they are talking about. The boy keeps blushing but he doesn't back down, almost like he knows that displaying roll-over behavior will get Ryusei bored in the blink of an eye. He raises an eyebrow instead, half-smile and then he's asking Ryusei something, something Sae can't tell what it is from this far up but it must be quite something because it's not easy to catch Shidou Ryusei by surprise, get her to do that wide-eyed thing she does right before she laughs, and Ryusei laughs—not the one that slashes her face when there's murder on her mind but the one that Sae knows from dry jokes and raised eyebrows, the one that's not vicious but actually loud and child-like.

The one she only laughs when Sae is around.

The boy stares at Ryusei's laugh and blushes harder, and then he's suddenly picking up one of Ryusei's earphones and plugging it in like it's nothing, like he's not afraid Ryusei will bite off his hands like everyone else is and Sae steps back from the window like it’s a ledge, like it's the roof of a building, like it's the skip in the heart when you're going down the stairs an you were already expecting the floor but there's actually one more step left.

One, two, three.

One, two—

“Hmmm. I wonder what that was about.”

Aiku looks smug, one eyebrow raised, like she knows something Sae doesn't and fuck her, actually. 

"Anyways, I don't think—hey—Sae !"

The amount of students in the corridor help with the escape. Once at the stairs Sae slows down, then makes herself take the stairs down the building one at a time.

The day feels warm outside, tickly on the skin. Sae chases the main path until she spots blonde and tan and constant jittering. She’s alone now, so the boy must have fucked off somewhere else. Good. Or not. Who cares anyway.

“Sae-chaaaan~!”

“What did he want?”

If Ryusei is surprised by the question she doesn't look it. She just breathes in and—beams. It's not just a smile. Sae knows those eyes, that posture, the little tilt of her mouth. Sae knows everything. 

“He—he just asked me out.”

Sae stills. The thrashing in her chest does too, frost-solid for a second.

"Asked you out."

Ryusei giggles, scrunching her nose, oblivious. “For a second there he thought I was gonna eat him for lunch I think. He seemed fun though!”

He seemed fun. It checks out at least. Fun in Ryusei's words probably means pathetic. Idiotic. Absurd. Carefree.

Fun is everything Sae can't ever—

"Anyways, I guess we'll see this Friday!" Ryusei finishes with, smiling, hands pressed together. The hairties on her braids have little glossy cherries. "He said he knew an arcade bar or something like that."

Something sticky clumps itself together in Sae’s stomach. Friday. "You said yes."

Ryusei stills, looking up suddenly. The glittery powder on her cheekbones and eyelids shimmers when she tilts her head. "It's okay right?"

Time stops. It’s all so ridiculous that Sae is stunned out of speaking.

Ryusei is asking her if it's okay that she says yes to a date—which of course it's okay. Why wouldn’t it be? Sae doesn’t own her. She’s not Ryusei’s mother or, or—point blank she isn’t. This is so stupid, so fucking stupid—

"It's my first date, you know Sae-chan,” Ryusei says, suddenly fidgety. “Well I've sucked face with a lot of people but you know what I mean!"

Sae doesn’t know what she means, but it all gets her thinking about Ryusei sucking face with random people and if people includes girls and then what sucking face with Ryusei would feel like, so she instantly hates everything about it.

“You’ve been out with people before.”

Ryusei tilts her head, shrugs. “Yeah, but—it’s different right? A date. Someone like, wanting to know me right? It’s never like that.”

What can Sae even say to that. That's ridiculous? You are being annoying, shut the fuck up?

I'm here and I know you better than anyone?

"Anyways," Ryusei keeps rambling, "he asked and he's—he's hot right, isn't he? What do you think, Sae-chan?"

Sae should say it now. I actually only like girls. If there was ever the perfect moment, this would probably be the one. 

Ryusei is staring at her in a way Sae can't decipher. It's like—like she's waiting for something but Sae doesn't know what it is, which—Sae always knows. It's what makes this thing they have even remotely kind of work. Sae always knows what’s going on in Ryusei’s head, can tell even the dumbest of thoughts before they happen, except Sae can’t even tell what’s going on in her own head right now. 

It’s all just—static. There’s nothing. Nothing at all.

"Yeah." It sounds clinical even to her own ears. "He is hot."

Sae can't even remember what he looked like.

Ryusei fumbles a little, plays with a wrinkle of her shirt. "So you're—you're okay with it? Nothing you want to say?"

The sun is hitting Ryusei right from the front, making her scrunch up her eyes a little. Her skin looks gold like this, like it’s giving off its own light.

"Hey, if—"

"Don't be dumb," Sae interrupts. "Of course I'm okay with it."

Ryusei's shoulders drop, and when the fuck did that happen? God, her head hurts. The day’s been too long, strung out like gum. She just needs rest, some shuteye, and then by tomorrow she will be fine and everything will be fine and that's all there is.

“So you okay with it? For sure?”

“I just said it. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Okay, so you don’t—”

This was getting ridiculous.

“I’m late," Sae interrupts, starts walking towards the school entrance. 

“Late for what?" Ryusei frowns, keeping up her pace. Great. "Didn't know you had something today."

It’s news to Sae herself too, actually. Her voice is going miles before her head apparently, too cottoned to catch up.

“Just—something at home." Sae stops at the gate, checks for cars before crossing. "See you tomorrow.”

“So you’re not—” Ryusei starts, stumbles until she's in front of her, blocking the view. “You’re not going home with me then?”

You’re not going home with me?

For a moment Sae hates her so much it’s white-hot, blinding, like fingers to a wire exposed, and what does that even mean. What even—

"I can't." Sae dodges, starts to make her way down the crossing. "I'll text you later."

"Okay, but—" Ryusei extends a hand to grab her sweater and fuck, can't she just—

“Fuck, stop being so fucking clingy, Shidou," Sae bites, brushing her hand off. "Can’t you find anyone else to fucking bother?"

Like that guy. The rattling inside her grows stronger, strong enough to bite.

Everything stills.

"Oh. Oh, I—okay. Okay. I just—" Ryusei laughs a little, looks down, nervously pulling from one of her braids. "Okay. It's just. Well—I just really wanted to be with you today."

She's so honest. Sae has never met a person with Ryusei's ability for it, the recklessness. Her eyes are wide, round and she was so happy before Sae came barging in five minutes ago and managed to fuck it all up with—

I really wanted to be with you today.

I really wanted to be with you today too.

"Tough luck. Get some friends maybe and bother them instead."

Sae leaves without looking back, focused on putting down one foot after the other, one foot after the other and nothing more.

Ryusei doesn't follow. It's kind of new.

It should feel relieving.

Sae hates that it doesn't.

Aiku’s words bounce in her head as she walks her way out towards the station, the sun still bright.

One day she’ll stop asking, you know.

Sae turns up the volume of her earphones on the bus back, louder, until she can pretend she never saw that last look in Ryusei's eyes. 

-

[after the party, a week ago]

A human body weights sixty kilos on average.

Well, sixty—fifty if you are a girl, Sae supposes. Then again Ryusei is tall enough, has enough muscle to beat the Japanese average. Those clunky glitter boots of hers must also add the weight of a baby elephant to the combo plus her pigtails could rival a golden retriever's coat—but even then, it all has to be in the ballpark of seventy, seventy-five kilos overall. Nothing crazy. Doable. Technically.

As Sae carries a half-dead Ryusei on her back from the station and towards her house, she thinks she'd like to revisit that judgement.

"Sae-channnn," Ryusei sing-songs next to her ear. Her breath is so hot it tingles. "Did you have fun tonight?"

She did not. "If you puke on me I'm dropping you right here, I don't care about your ankle."

Ryusei giggles, legs rhythmically tapping against Sae's hips. "You're so silly. I'm fine!"

Sae considers that statement. She's not slurring anymore at least, but there's no way she's already fine after all the drinks Sae saw her down tonight. She's still drunk—or maybe not drunk, but definitely tipsy. Definitely not sober. Sae feels a little unsteady on her feet too, a little untethered and flying. She shouldn't have had that extra drink. Fucking Aiku.

"Just shut up and let me get us home."

God, she's so heavy. Sae takes a peek down. Ryusei's swollen ankle is at least not turning any more purple. Small mercies.

"Sae-chan is so nice to me," Ryusei sighs, voice soft, head resting on Sae's shoulder.

"One more word and you're walking all the way home in those boots."

That seems to shut her up at least. Sae stops for a second, hauls Ryusei's body better so her hands are gripping her thighs more firmly. Ryusei wraps her arms tighter around her neck as an answer, warm, and Sae tries to think of anything else but how kind of not-horrible it all feels.

When they finally make it to the house, even the key jangling into the door sounds as loud as a bullet shot. 

"My parents are gone as usual but Rin is home," Sae explains. Ryusei just giggles again. "You heard me dog? Be quiet."

Ryusei shuts up immediately; Sae catches her from the corner of her eye mimicking a zipper on her mouth. Such a fucking idiot.

The house is dead silent when Sae finally manages to get them both in. The way upstairs is an endless struggle, Ryusei giggling every time Sae stumbles a little.

"Ooof," Ryusei whines when Sae finally drops her on the floor in front of her room, making sure she's stable enough to stand with all her weight on one foot first. Finally.

Once she's free, Sae goes straight towards her wardrobe and pulls a set of pajamas from it, then closes it and turns.

"Into the shower. Now. I'll take a look at your ankle after."

Ryusei whines instantly. "I don't want toooo—"

Sae goes towards her quickly, presses a hand to her mouth. "Be quiet I said. Also you are not stinking up the bed just because you're lazy." Sae presses the pajamas against her chest. "Here. And wash your face properly."

"But—"

Sae presses a hand to her mouth again.

"What did I say, dog?"

Ryusei stills for a second then half-closes her eyes, like she's calculating something— 

Sae pulls her hand away just a millisecond before Ryusei tries to lick it.

Ryusei huffs, clicking her tongue. "Damn, I had it!"

"Go. Shower."

There's a moment. Then Ryusei looks up and suddenly grins, edges sharp. Not good. "I have a better idea actually."

"Actually I don't care."

Ryusei tilts her head, teeth glinting. "How about you come in with me?"

Time halts, bends sideways.

Sae swallows. "What—"

Ryusei steps closer, close enough to touch. She's still grinning. "Get in the shower with me, Sae-chan," she whispers slowly, words dripping melted, eyelids halfway to closed. "I promise not to miss one spot." 

There's an instant. An image. Steam-fogged glass and Ryusei's warm, golden skin slippery on Sae's body, chasing stray drops down Sae's stomach, going further down until—

Sae looks up. Ryusei's grin has melted, now spoilt and teasing. This is a joke to her—of course it fucking is, god, wake up.

Not like Sae even wants it. Each and every word sounds straight up from a cheap porno, for god's sake. It's ridiculous.

"So?" Ryusei insists, tongue poking through her grin. "You up for some fun with—?"

As answer, Sae just pushes her and shoves the door of the bedroom closed on her face.

She takes a moment just to fucking breathe. Just—too much alcohol. That's it. That's all.

I promise not to miss one spot.

Sae sits on the edge of the bed, breathes in. At least the exhaustion is on her side this time, the tiredness battling it out against her heartbeat. Sleep drags itself out of nowhere and takes over her limbs, turning them into lead. Times fractures itself between blinks. Sae blinks herself awake a couple of times, tries to stay awake at least until Ryusei comes back but it feels like being pulled under, under, like grit in her eyes, eyelids heavy—

The door opens. 

"Ta-daaaa," Ryusei sing-songs, because fuck whatever Sae said about not being loud. "All fresh!"

Sae stares. Ryusei has completely forgone the pants that Sae had set apart for her and is just wearing the loose t-shirt, hair wet and sticky, face bare. The tips of her hair look almost purple.

"Come," Sae says, and Ryusei does, limping a little.

Ryusei sits on the bed and then Sae picks up her leg, sets her ankle on top of her thighs. It's still swollen, but the bruising hasn't gone beyond. It's probably just inflammation, back to normal in two days.

Good. The thought of dealing with an overexcited-but-unable-to-move Ryusei for a week sounds like something out of a nightmare.

"It doesn't look bad. I'll get you an ice bag from the kitchen after I shower." Sae sets Ryusei's leg back on the floor. "Don't burn my room in the meantime."

Ryusei pouts. "You are really gonna leave me here alone for so long?"

She's so ridiculous, god. "A tear for your suffering," Sae deadpans, voice dry, then closes the door behind her.

The water is sinfully good against her skin, washing away all the grime and sweat from the night. The smell of moisturizer when she washes her face settles her stomach somehow. By the time she's already in her pajamas, Sae feels a fraction more stable, a fraction more grounded. Even the packet of frozen peas from the fridge feels sobering in her hands.

Then she goes back up to the room.

It's a mystery for the ages if Ryusei does these things consciously. Occupy the maximum space possible at any given time, like the world belongs to her, or if she's just out to make Sae's life that bit more miserable. 

Sae's bed isn't huge, but then again there's no need for her to just settle in the fucking middle of it.

"Move."

Ryusei doesn't even look up from the ipad—Sae's ipad—resting on her legs, just pats the tiny stretch of empty bed next to her. Her skin looks almost blue under the moonlight. "Hey Sae-chan, what do you think of aliens?"

The t-shirt has ridden up her body, underwear and lower stomach visible. Sae's underwear, soft green, which should be nothing special but there's alcohol in her bloodstream so for some reason it just really, really is. 

"I think," Sae says, "that you need to move. And also that next time you just take my things without permission I'll throw you out."

Ryusei pats the bed again, eyes stuck on the screen like she didn't hear a thing.

"I've been watching this series. It's like, crazy, they're doing a season now on — "

Ryusei stops when their eyes finally catch, eyes widening. Sae feels absurdly self-conscious for a second because what, did she forget to wipe all her moisturizer in or something?

"A season on what?" Sae prompts, trying to get the conversation flowing again, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Ryusei still doesn't answer. She keeps looking at her, eyes fluttering over Sae's face just to finally stretch out her hand slowly, brushing fingers over Sae's fringe and—yeah, she hadn't styled it back for the night, that's right. It must look so childish all sticking to her —

"It's just unfair," Ryusei whispers, still staring at her with wide eyes.

Her fingers dip, fluttering now over Sae's lower lashes, brushing them from side to side. It tickles. 

Sae lifts an eyebrow. "What is?"

"How beautiful you are."

It sounds—soft. Sae freezes, stares into Ryusei's eyes, then tries to fucking reign herself in.

It's just a game, god. Again. It always is with Ryusei.

Don't get roped into it.

Sae swats Ryusei's hand away.

"A season on what?" Sae prompts again, trying to get the conversation back to where it was.

Ryusei blinks, like she's dazed, then looks away.

Sae pretends it's all fine.

"It was on, uhm—" Ryusei stares at her again, blinks, then looks away, "—on like, paranormal stuff. This one's on—uh—like. Aliens?"

She's stammering, for some reason. Shidou Ryusei stammering.

"You're asking me?"

Ryusei stills—then sticks her tongue out, nose scrunching up. Is she blushing? "You know, it's not nice to tease me about it, Sae-chan."

Sae wants to ask when is she supposedly teasing her for, but decides to just—let it go. It doesn't matter anyway.

Instead she just settles a little more on the edge of the bed, takes a peek at Ryusei's screen. "That looks horrifically boring."

Ryusei pouts, childish again. Better. "It's not! There's some cool stuff about the universe too. I think you'd like it, Sae-chan."

"I think I would not."

Ryusei grins, lifting her chin. "Bet."

Sae looks up. Ryusei is patting the space of bed next to her again.

"Watch with me the rest of this episode," Ryusei whispers, "and then you can go to sleep if you want. Please?"

She's pouting, puffed cheeks like an idiot chipmunk. She looks ridiculous. She looks—

Sae can't under any circumstance let Ryusei even suspect that she's susceptible to this kind of idiocy. In fact, any other day Sae would just push her off the bed—but tonight there's gin in her blood, and ice-blue light, and something soft that quivers at the sight of blonde hair and a grin sharp enough to rival a quarter moon.

"Just this episode," Sae sighs, already climbing onto the bed.

Ryusei instantly beams, and Sae makes the huge mistake of relaxing and forgetting who she's dealing with.

The pull around her waist is strong, sudden, making Sae fall right straight onto the bed, legs tangled with the sheets.

"What the fuck—"

Ryusei brackets her body with her thighs before Sae can react, pulling from her waist until she has Sae's back against her chest, then pull the covers up to both of their waists. "There, perfect. Isn't this cozy, Sae-chan?"

It's the alcohol. It must be. Ryusei's made of angles, all hard muscle and sharp bone but the night is cold and Ryusei's thighs are firm on Sae's sides, and it all feels so, so warm.

"Just shut up and play that stupid show."

Ryusei grins. Sae can't see it but—as with everything Ryusei related—she just knows. 

The episode is, as Sae could've expected from her seasoned perspective after being subjected by Rin to every and any horror theme under the sun, extremely predictable. Haunted houses, dark rooms, the whole ordeal. Sae gives up on trying to follow the words, lets it all wash a little over her.

It takes Ryusei a grand total of three minutes before she speaks again.

"Do you believe in aliens, Sae-chan?" Her voice sounds thoughtful.

"There's no believing. They either exist or they do not. It's a pointless thing to discuss."

"So sciency, Sae-chan. So booooring", Ryusei huffs. "Anyways, do you think they can feel? That they'd understand us? Do you think they live in the stars?"

No one can live in the stars. Their heat is beyond comprehension, giant plumes of helium and hydrogen bundled up as plasma. You'd burn. You'd disintegrate before you could even realize where you are, until nothing is left but energy flickering adrift.

"I think you should shut the fuck up and sleep."

"I think they'd like it there. The stars," Ryusei insists, voice sticky. She must be tired. "I think it'd be warm."

Warm. Sae doesn't answer that, just watches the episode and fights the steady pace in which her body is growing heavy, fighting the way in which her weight falls against Ryusei more and more each minute that passes.

The next episode rolls, an ad droning about the newest thrifting app on the market. Too loud. Too white.

"If you're making me watch this skip the ads at least," Sae mutters. There's no answer. "Hey. Dog." Sae jostles her a little. No answer still. "If you don't—"

Sae turns a little, then stops right in her tracks.

She'd never own up to it even under torture, but catching Ryusei asleep is like catching a hyena asleep sometimes. Jaw slack, eyes closed, chest rising in slow intervals, an animal which always bares its fangs and grins, unsettling, now completely peaceful. 

She checks Ryusei's breaths even then, slow and steady, before allowing herself to snuggle a little back onto her chest. Just—not much. Enough. Her back posture is just better like this, is all. Ryusei's hands wrap tighter around her waist, palms pressed to Sae's stomach and that—

Sae looks back, stares at her face lit up by the deep-blue of the screen.

There's a trail of glitter smeared still on her cheekbone, subtle but shimmering when the light shifts just right. Sae brushes a finger over the path, then realizes what the fuck she's doing and—

Pulling away is instinctive, heart jackrabbiting, throbbing on her throat.

Still, when she untangles herself from Ryusei Sae does it slowly, tries not jostle anything too much. She doesn't know if she's being this gentle for Ryusei's sake or for herself. 

The sheets on her side are cool when Sae wraps them around her body, pulls them around tight to make sure none of their skin touch during the night.

It's better now. Bearable. It doesn't burn. 

It's also not warm.

That night Sae dreams of space, cold and indifferent, and of streaks of glitter speckling the night sky like stars.

-

"What is this."

Sae had just left the room for five minutes, gone to make some tea. Five minutes.

Somehow, a tornado had attacked the room in the meanwhile.

"This one, you think?"

Ryusei twirls in front of her, hair still in a bun, then strikes a pose. 

The pink is offending. At least the skirt is short, so there's not much pink to look at. There’s a lot of leg instead though, which—Ryusei has long legs. Toned too, because she's been exercise crazy forever, taekwondo and then boxing and then climbing and parkour. That's a fact of life.

Sae is gonna stop staring any minute now. 

Any minute now.

"What do you think?" Ryusei insists, pouting. "This one?"

"I don't care."

"Aw Sae-chan, help me out here! It’s my first date!"

Sae plops herself down on the bed, takes a sip of the tea then leaves it on the floor, crossing her legs. It burns her tongue. "This is stupid." 

"Maybe I should drop the pink," Ryusei walks towards the wardrobe again. "Maybe—"

"Don't."

Ryusei turns, head tilted. 

"Why?"

Because you like pink. 

"Because I'm not staying here for another thirty minutes while you look for something else."

Ryusei still grins immediately at the words like she's hearing beyond, like Sae is a book that someone can actually read. 

"Wait," Ryusei turns suddenly, eyes wide. "Wait. I think I have an idea—"

She disappears again inside her closet, and Sae releases a breath she hadn't even known she'd been holding the whole time.

It's like the air is charged. Or maybe Sae is the only one feeling this way. It's like it never happened, whatever it was that thing outside school a couple of days ago. Like Sae never hurt her—and Ryusei has always been quick to forgive, even without Sae ever explicitly saying the words, that's not the thing. They'd never be friends if it weren't the case.

Still, at least some conversation tends to at least take place. This is just like—like it never even happened.

Maybe for Ryusei it just didn't. Maybe it didn't matter to her enough to care or hold a grudge. Maybe she's moved on already. That's probably it.

Maybe—

"Ta-daaaa! How do I look, Sae-chan?"

Sae stares.

The jeans are high-rise and tight, sticking to her like skin, little bejeweled patterns sewn onto the front. 

"Also look!"

She turns around then, shows off the glittery back-pockets, sequins stitched onto them in wavy patterns.

God, the ass on her. Sae hates her a little just for that.

"Those jeans are hideous."

Ryusei snorts. "But they make my ass look great, right?"

"I think everyone will be too busy staring at the glittery everything instead."

That's a lie. Her ass is gonna have people staring at her the whole night. Sae still remembers the whole pool-party situation two months ago and that bikini-thong Ryusei had worn, bright pink and with so, so little fabric. That had been—

Sae picks up the mug from the floor, takes another sip.

"Also I just know what’s gonna fit this perfectly”, she starts, “just—wait—”, then turns towards the wardrobe as she starts adding clothes to the pile on the floor, like she doesn't care about the mess she'll have to clean after. 

"Ta-daaaa! What do you think?"

The crop-top is baby blue, straps crossed over her chest and tied at the back of her neck, but it's not only that. Sae somehow recognizes the particular shade, and the pattern, and the neckline, and—

"It's mine."

Ryusei grins, clapping her hands. "Right? You left it here a couple months ago. I don't have your tits but I think I can make it work like this! Also it's the color of your eyes."

It's the color of your eyes. God, what does that even mean.

Sae stares. Baby blue has always been a comfort color for her. It’s soothing, calm, it blends in. Even then, she thinks it looks better on Ryusei—or maybe it’s just that it’s hers. Sae’s. Her brain conjures the image of Ryusei on a date wearing her clothes and Sae takes another sip from the tea immediately without blowing, burning her tongue again, digging into the roughness. 

"How do I look then?"

"If you tear the top I'll kill you."

Ryusei grins. "Even if there's a good enough reason to do it?"

"What could ever be a good enough reason for that, dog?"

Ryusei cackles and then winks, and—

Oh. 

It's—it's obvious. Of course it would go that way. Sae has heard enough retellings from Ryusei of what sucking dick feels like to know that Ryusei likes sex. No big deal. Even if it's not a random hook-up in the back of the school this time but a silly arcade bar date that will end in a bed—maybe even Ryusei's bed, right here where Sae is now sitting, legs crossed. It's all cool. The boy will probably treat her better than any other boy before anyway, if he truly likes Ryusei.

He will probably make it good for her. Will worry about making her feel good. Will make sure that everything feels right. That she laughs during sex. That she doesn't frown or do the fidgety thing she does when she's nervous but instead he will just blow on her stomach before he goes down on her and get her to laugh at the same time she whines. That's what Sae would do at least. It's all good. It's how it should be.

It's all—

"—hellooo, earth to Sae maybe?"

Sae looks up. What had Ryusei just said? She can't recall. Her brain feels—stuffed. Numb. Filled with white static.

Ryusei smiles, eyes crinkled, oblivious. "Can you do my hair?"

Sae should say no. She doesn't have the slightest idea why. She just somehow—she knows.

She still pats the bit of bed in front of her as her only answer, and Ryusei beams. 

It takes her no time to get settled just where Sae told her, back against the side of the bed with a satisfied sigh. Sae sits down back again after grabbing the brush, lets Ryusei’s hair loose from the bun in a careful movement. In a body filled with scars like hers, her hair is always so surprisingly soft. Soothing. Sae digs her fingers in and brushes down her strands, presses in a little to dig into her scalp, tries to think of nothing at all.

"You know Sae-chan, I'm actually kind of nervous."

Sae looks down, catches only the top of Ryusei's head. It’s better like this. For some reason she doesn't want to be seen right now.

"This is like, a date. A date-date," Ryusei continues, sniffling. "No way I'm good with those."

Sae starts parting her hair, picks up the brush and combs strands softly, tugging softly at the knots. Methodical, habitual. This is good.

Ryusei wiggles a little. "I know I'm—intense is what I mean," she continues. "I know I can like, be too much sometimes but—"

Sae stops brushing.

"Whoever thinks that is a fucking idiot."

It comes out sharp, and steel-like, and it takes Sae a second to process she has actually said it out loud.

The room is quiet for an instant—the world, it seems.

Then Ryusei lets her head fall backwards against the bed, face upside-down, eyes wide and vulnerable. "Yeah?"

The sharp pink of her eyes is mottled with gold. 

"Yeah." Sae brushes a strand of hair off her face, then tucks it behind her ear. "You are just fine the way you are."

She doesn't know what she's expecting. Sae doesn't know but still Ryusei blooms into a smile, and isn't it ridiculous that Sae hadn't understood a week ago how measuring things on their before-Ryusei and after-Ryusei states could be a thing. Of course it's a thing. 

Of course it's been a thing for a long while now.

"Okay," Ryusei accepts, smiling softly, still looking into her eyes. "I trust you."

I trust you.

Sae tries not to think about it, focuses on the current task instead.

Tying Ryusei's hair takes little time, a familiar motion. Ryusei jumps up a moment later, looks at her. "How do I look?"

Tight jeans, glittery makeup, trademark pigtails. Sae's blue top. She looks—

Sae motions her to come closer again. Ryusei walks to the edge of the bed then dips her head, and Sae slightly pulls from one of her pigtails so it perfectly matches the other. "There."

Ryusei's smile could blind the sun. Sae swallows.

"Don't be in a rush to leave after me." Ryusei keeps smiling. "Just leave whenever you want. I finally got hbo the other day. Also I have those weird nuts you like, stole some yesterday."

Stole some yesterday. Of course. "Cashews."

Ryusei grins. "Yeah, those ones. Anyways, you can stay."

Sae shakes her head, playing with the brush still in her hands. "I'll leave soon too. Told my parents I'd be there for dinner." She could watch some netflix at home after. There's this new tv show about lawyers—she could watch that. Make some popcorn too, or maybe buy some candy on the way home.

Ryusei grins again. She's so close. "Wish me luck?"

"Good luck," Sae parrots back unconsciously, throat tight—and when did that happen.

Ryusei smiles shakily, then breathes in and walks towards the door, pigtails swinging a little. Her hand goes for the doorknob —

"Ryusei."

Ryusei stops. She looks back at her, tilting her head with curious eyes, and Sae—Sae doesn't know what happens next, actually. She hadn't even realized she had called Ryusei's name until it had left her mouth.

"Sae—?"

"Don't go."

A car alarm blares in the distance.

If Sae focuses on that maybe she can hear that, and the washing machine downstairs, and nothing else.

Ryusei stills with her hand on the doorknob, then fully turns, eyes widened and confused. "What?" 

They stare at each other. 

"Don't go," Sae repeats. Is that her voice? It doesn't feel like it. Her ears are buzzing. It doesn't feel like anything. "Stay here. With me."

The room is so silent. Sae's heart throbs once, painfully, and it's like the gates have flooded open. 

Ryusei has stopped jittering, the room now in complete silence. Sae's body is locked, limbs and joints lodged in place. The only thing she can do is keep breathing in and hope the world may end before she has to look up because what the fuck did she just fucking do.

What the fuck did she just—

"Sae?"

Her name in Ryusei's voice feels like a band snapping back. Sae focuses, realizes Ryusei is no longer on the door but kneeling in front of her—and when did that happen?—looking up, hands warm on her knees—too warm, too real. Sae could swear they burn. 

One, two, three.

One, two— 

"Sae—" Ryusei insists, dipping her head so she can catch Sae's eyes this time, but Sae—can't. She physically can't do this right now. "Sae—"

"Don't."

Ryusei pauses, like she's considering something, then gently teases the brush out of Sae's fingers. It's funny, how it takes that little action for Sae to realize her own hands have been shaking this whole time.

Pathetic. Just—pathetic—

Ryusei is holding her hands now. Are hers shaking too? "Eyelashes. Hey, come on—"

"Just don't—" Sae tries to pull back, get away from fucking everything but—

Ryusei's hands are warm and sudden on her cheeks, making her still. Like whenever she does Sae's makeup, fingers warm for support as she pats on eyeshadow. 

It's too warm. Too real. Sae’s hair falls like a curtain around them, covers both of their faces from the world.

"Did you mean it?"

The fog is thick, hard to work through. This is stupid, so fucking stupid and she just ruined everything—

“Sae-chan,” she insists, voice soft. “Did you mean it?”

Sae has the no ready on the tip of her tongue, to control-damage, and then she makes the mistake of looking Ryusei in the eye.

Her stare is so open, glassy. Vulnerable, like it was not Sae the one who just knifed herself open in half for Ryusei to see all the pathetic bits.

Did she mean it?

Sae can't say she didn't. She can't say she did. 

It's too much. Everything. She wants to crawl out of her skin, tear it off, not fucking exist—

Sae can't say shit, so she leans down and brushes their lips instead.

It's not her first kiss. Sae has kissed boys throughout her life, here and there, has had plenty of reasons. She has kissed boys to get her way, to pass the time, to chase away ghosts. She has kissed them because she needed something, to play a game.

This is the first kiss she gives because she wants.

It's just a brush at first. Awkward, trying to slot their mouths, face angled sideways. Just—just to see what it feels like. That's all. Then Sae can lock under key this very memory and live off it and never need it again. 

Sae's going to pull away, she's going to go upright any minute now, any minute now—

Ryusei whines and grabs her by the neck to pull her down more firmly, then kisses her back.

It's—it hurts. It churns her heart, spills it through the cracks. When their lips slot, it hurts. It hurts when Ryusei teases her mouth open with her tongue, when their lips slide and Sae can't hear anything but the slamming of her heart and the sticky noises of lips gliding. It hurts, like warm light hurts when it's freezing cold. 

No one told her it would hurt.

Boys never hurt like this.

Ryusei presses harder on her nape, pushes her down more firmly, kiss getting wetter. Fuck. Sae's head swims, tries to stay afloat.

“Wait—let me—,” Ryusei starts, quickly standing up to get rid of her jeans with little jumps because they are tight and she's such an idiot, but then Ryusei climbs up her body, settles down on Sae’s lap and attacks her mouth again, and the laughter stops. 

There's so much bare skin, god. Sae is still wearing her clothes but there's a lapful of almost naked Ryusei on top of her and her blood boils to the point of painful, just burning to touch.

Sae slides a hand up Ryusei's calf and feels the tawny hair there, soft under her fingers, then just keeps the path up, up the curve of her thigh to her ass and just—grabs, hard enough to hurt, lace tangling on her fingers.

Ryusei shivers, hands grasping at Sae's shoulders, digging her nails.

"Fuck, I knew it," Ryusei moans, then laughs breathlessly, "you so have a thing for my ass."

It's so ridiculous Sae just kisses her silent, one hand on her jaw and Ryusei—god, of course Ryusei fucking answers. 

It's crazy how she kisses. All that heat, all that energy pointed straight in Sae's direction. Sae should've expected it but it's still hard even keeping up with her, not letting her head tilt back from the pressure. It's so wet too. There's so much tongue, so much spit. There's barely air. Sae needs to—

She places the pad of her thumb on Ryusei's bottom lip, denies her for a second.

Her eyelids flutter slowly. Then Sae watches as Ryusei just sucks on her thumb, not breaking eye contact.

Sae is—fuck, she just digs her thumb in harder, pushes against the back of her bottom teeth, pries her mouth open. She lets the pad of her thumb slide over Ryusei's tongue, circles around until saliva pools. 

"What about the guy."

It shocks Sae to realize she hadn’t even bothered learning his name.

"What?"

Ryusei looks gone. The air thins. Something inside Sae feels about to snap.

"The guy," Sae repeats, eyes locked. "What are you gonna tell him."

Ryusei stutters a little and looks at her, Sae's finger now resting on her lip. Her eyes are glassy, blown wide, cheeks flushed red.

"You—" she stops, amazed of all things, and that answers nothing at all. "You really aren't getting, are you?"

"Getting what."

Then suddenly Sae is pushed back, head hitting against the mattress with a thud, and the world tilts.

Ryusei climbs up her body so they’re eye-to-eye, pushes her hand inside Sae's t-shirt and slides fingers up her sternum, cups one of her breasts and that—

One, two, three. Breathe, fuck.

"Do you remember that day at the pool?" Ryusei whispers against her earlobe. Her breath tingles. "A couple months ago?"

God, like Sae can ever forget. "Yeah."

"You rarely wear low tops, you know. Then you came out in that green bikini, the one with the little bow in the center."

Sae hums, eyes closed, trying to breathe. She remembers.

Ryusei laughs, gives her a sticky kiss before following, now with their eyes locked. "God, your fucking boobs in that. Had to keep staring dumb idiots off the whole day. Had to hold myself back from just begging you to let me touch you."

Ryusei brushes the pad of her thumb over one of her nipples, catches the breath in Sae's throat. Ryusei takes the chance and licks into her mouth, tongue sliding against the roof of it. 

"I fingered myself two times that night just thinking of it," she confesses on her mouth. Her breath is so warm. "Just—taking that top off from you and sucking and biting until you were wet and looking—" her eyes are blown wide, "—just like this."

Just like what, Sae wants to ask, but her mind is stuck thinking about Ryusei with fingers inside her, thinking of—of Sae of all fucking things. 

Ryusei twirls one of her nipples between her fingers beneath the shirt. Sae's spine crackles, a beam of heat. 

"Does that answer your question, eyelashes?" Ryusei says, finger brushing Sae's lower lip. "Do you even know how many times I've dreamed of this?"

Her eyes are dark. Sae swallows, stares right into her eyes anyway.

Their noses brush. "You've been all the sex dreams I've had since the day we met."

"That's a lot of days."

Ryusei smiles, unashamed. "There's been a lot of dreams."

Then she dives back down on Sae’s neck, and Sae has just to close her eyes just in order to breathe.

"Off, off," Ryusei mutters, pulls from the edges of Sae's t-shirt. "Just—"

Sae lifts her arms, helps Ryusei pull the t-shirt over her head. It's—she's so exposed. She still has her sweatpants on but the air is chilly and it makes everything more sensitive, that more alight. 

Ryusei pulls back a little and stares, chest rising and falling. Sae resists the need to cross arms in front of her chest, raises an eyebrow instead.

"You're so beautiful," Ryusei drops down and whispers against her sternum, messily drops wet kisses down its length, "You're just so fucking—"

Sae's legs jerk when Ryusei sucks hard on one of her nipples, her belly contracting. God. She needs to—to fucking move or pull Ryusei away except she doesn't want to but it's too much and—

Ryusei bites down. Not hard, but still—Sae pants, pulls from her hair until she lets go. 

Ryusei smiles—cheeky, sweet, then dives down for another kiss.

The kissing is long, deep, goes on for longer than Sae had imagined Ryusei being capable of. It feels somehow more intimate than anything else too, thick, sticky, the air getting dense and hard to breathe. The pain rearranges itself slowly, softens its edges until it spills all over, until warmth feels like warmth. Ryusei presses with her knee up between Sae's thighs in a slow motion, sends shocks down Sae's spine that almost feel like they could make it snap. It builds, and builds, and Sae feels every bit of heat in her body pool on her lower belly, every single muscle melted and hot.

Ryusei messily kisses up her shoulder, licks behind her jaw and earlobe, then looks up. Her pupils are blown wide, her mouth all wet and shiny. "I'm gonna eat you out." 

It's like she's shifted gears, like she's more animal than girl. Sae has seen it happen a thousand times: the moment Ryusei stops playing with her food and hones in for the kill, ready to strike—except Sae's the food today. She's the one getting hunted.

Sae freezes for a second then nods, bumping noses in the way. 

Ryusei's grin feels anything but safe.

Ryusei pulls her sweatpants down slowly, messily kisses Sae's thighs as she goes. Shivers rock Sae's spine, make her limbs tremble, unconsciously trying to wiggle but there's nowhere to run to, nowhere Sae would want to be but exactly here.

Ryusei wastes no time climbing back up instantly, hand between Sae's legs. Her hand is firm against her pussy over the underwear, pressing up with her fingers parting her lips and—

Her stomach flips. Sae's legs jerk again, pulling away—pushing forward. Fuck. Ryusei won't stop kissing her too, prying her mouth open with her tongue. She kisses Sae like she wants to eat her and just the thought of that tongue all slick and hot somewhere else has Sae's heart about to jackrabbit out of her ribcage, clit throbbing. There's no way she can take it. There's no way.

Ryusei parts their mouths with a slick sound, smiles down smugly at what she sees on Sae's face. "Don't pass out on me already, underlashes. We haven't even gotten to the best part yet."

Sae kicks her on the side before Ryusei cackles, going down her body, hands and lips sliding down her belly and Sae is suddenly too busy trying to hold back a gasp.

It happens so slowly. So quickly. Ryusei pulls down her underwear from her ass slowly, fabric scratchy against Sae's thighs, until it’s all off and then just—she just pushes Sae’s thighs open, settles between them stretched out on her belly, keeping them open before Sae can close them back.

It's a weird feeling, the chilliness of the room. Being—exposed. Nowhere to hide.

Sae has barely a second to consider proper shaving etiquette before Ryusei dives in and licks a stripe up between her thighs, and words stop being a thing that exist.

Her brain scatters, back arching instantly. It's so warm. So wet. Ryusei circles her clit with the tip of her tongue, then digs broad strokes in and it's so slick, so — It feels impossible to take. The way tickling feels, the way you feel on the verge of passing out, maxed out with sensation and you can't and it still goes on and on and on. 

Sae can't help the little circles of her hips, pressing up to Ryusei's mouth. Fuck, it feels—

Ryusei brushes two fingers up Sae's pussy, spreading the slickness, bracketing her clit between them before sucking.

"You're so wet, Sae-chan," she hums, grinning. "You like me this much?"

She's so—fuck, she's so bratty, so—

Ryusei circles her clit slowly with the tip of her tongue. Sae falls back against the pillow, tilts her head up just to breathe. 

It's hard to keep track of time like this, everything swirling together, time melting and spreading into that one spot beneath her belly that's starting to boil. She slowly gets settled into it, the tickling, the slickness, the deaf, deep heat in her lower belly, just for Ryusei to do something with her mouth and send her all over the knife-edge again, having once again to find her breath and keep it steady. It's torture. It's bliss. It's—

Sae looks down, stares at Ryusei's face nose-up, eyes closed, tries to mentally pair up the slick sounds in the room with Ryusei's mouth on her, tries to process that it's all from Ryusei eating her out.

A strand of Ryusei's bangs suddenly gets on her face. Sae stretches her hand and tucks it behind her ear.

Ryusei looks up at the touch. For a second they stare at each other — then Ryusei just smiles softly, mouth shiny, before kissing her thigh messily in thanks and diving right back down. Sae's back arches again. It's all so filthy and so rottenly sweet her heart churns painfully, a beat away from flying out from her chest. 

A body shouldn't be able to hold in this much. About to burst, filled to the brim. 

Ryusei shuffles between her legs. Sae looks down again, just in time to catch Ryusei sucking her own fingers and god, she knows what's coming and still—

The first finger makes her clench her thighs, slick and smooth. Ryusei keeps them open anyway, starts fingering her deep and god, Sae's not new to this, she has done it plenty of times to herself but it's still so different. Ryusei pushes in, presses in and up with two fingers now as she circles her tongue against her clit and that—

The sounds are so much louder now. Wet, slick—if Sae could get embarrassed, it would happen now. Ryusei climbs up her body as she keeps at it, and Sae can't see and —

Ryusei circles her tongue around one of her nipples and sucks.

"Hnngh—"

"You look so pretty whining on my fingers, Sae-chan."

Sae hadn't—she hadn't even realized but now that she has it burns on her throat, the pressure of keeping it all down.

Ryusei kisses her. Her mouth tastes of her and Sae's just glad this moment is sealed, only for the both of them to have.

"You feel so good inside, fuck—" Ryusei pants against her chin, kissing it messily, "you are so perfect."

Ryusei speeds up the fingering, grabbing her jaw with the other hand so they can kiss and it's so much and so good and—

"Can't wait to see you come," Ryusei whispers on her mouth, urgent, "can't wait to see you come again and again and again—"

She's pointing every word with her fingering, hitting in hard, fingers all the way in.

Sae hears herself mewl. Fuck, it's—it's so—

"yesyesyesyes yes—that's it, baby—" she kisses Sae's jaw, her chin, her ear lobe, "don't stop—"

It spills out like water from her mouth, the sounds, like they are getting punched out of her throat.

Ryusei doubles down at the sound, fingers her harder. Sae should probably be embarrassed by the way she's opening her legs, the way she's grinding her hips against Ryusei's hand, the grip she has on her hair but she can't and she's— she's—

The orgasm hits her hot-white and blinding, gets ripped off straight from her lower belly, vicious and all-consuming. She contracts around Ryusei's fingers, wonders how it must feel for her for a second before it all hits her, body spasming and then she can think of nothing at all.

It takes a while. Seconds. A minute. Sae doesn't know. There's just champagne-fizzle on her veins, every muscle melting.

Ryusei kisses her jaw, her chin, her neck, keeps going down as Sae tries to catch her breath back.

Sae shivers. Ryusei keeps going down her belly, licks a stripe down between her thighs, digging her tongue in for a second and that's—

No.

"Ryusei."

It’s a warning. Her thighs are still shivering. She can’t.

"I told you I'd eat you out, Sae-chan," Ryusei sing-songs. It sounds muffled against Sae's thigh. "I am a girl of my word."

She looks so wild. Hair messy, jaw sticky, eyes blown.

Then she lets a string of spit dribble on Sae's pussy and dives down again, and Sae can only see white.

This one's slower. Ryusei eats her more than sucks, fingers inside her at the same time and it all feels like the tide pushing and pulling right at the bottom of her stomach—so slick, the sounds getting sloppier, the sucking, the fingering. It feels melted and deep, sticky and numb.

"I— " Sae starts, can't even keep up with the sentence as Ryusei circles her clit, chokes her out.

Sae pants. Ryusei doubles down, digs her tongue in and fuck—

The second orgasm doesn't hit but rather rolls off from her in waves, achey and seemingly endless, making her body shudder out of her control.

Ryusei keeps digging her tongue in even after the aftershocks, keeps lapping it all up. Sae's toes curl after a second, veins filled, and—

"Hey —!" 

There's a string of saliva connecting Ryusei's tongue to her pussy. Or maybe it's not saliva. Maybe it's—

"Enough," Sae rasps, pressing her foot against Ryusei's shoulder. She hopes it sounds less shaky than it feels. "Come up here." 

Ryusei peels herself off her top before she slides back up, now only in her underwear, boobs out. Sae stares—small, cute, nipples dark. She has seen them before but it's so different now. Sae can touch. Sae can lick and bite and can drag fingers down her sternum and can press her back against them when they sleep.

Ryusei lets her body fall sideways against the bed and grabs her ass, pulls Sae's leg over her hip.

She somehow got rid of her pigtails at some point, hair now loose. Sae can't even tell when that even happened.

"How was that, eyelashes?" she grins. Her jaw is all messy, shiny and all mixed in with glitter. "It was my first time doing it you know."

It was my first time. Something flutters in Sae's stomach, soft and tickly.

"Gotten it done to you before?"

Ryusei just shrugs, shakes her head.

Good. Sae will be her first too, then.

"Anyways," Ryusei insists, grinning, "how was it?"

Sae doesn't trust herself with words, so she just raises an eyebrow and lets Ryusei work out the rest.

Ryusei cackles. "Damn, no words then. That good huh?"

"It was fine."

"Fine," Ryusei snorts. "Weird word for the way you were pressing your pussy up to my mouth so hard I could barely breathe—which we should try more of by the way. You up for riding my face later?"

Sae breathes slowly, then simply brushes a finger over Ryusei's face, cleans her up a little. "Seems like a good way to shut you up."

Ryusei grins and crushes their mouths together, and it's so warm. 

It's not only warm, Sae realizes as they kiss. It's dangerous. No one warned her of how dangerous this could be. This untethered-ness, cotton-brained, filled to the brim with the most embarrassing feelings anyone walking the Earth has ever had to cope with. It all smells of sex and sweat and Sae doesn't even know how Ryusei feels. She just—sex is good. It doesn't have to mean anything more. Maybe this is all Ryusei expects.

"I can't believe I've been thinking you were straight this whole time."

Sae breathes in, eyes still closed. She's—she's coming back. She just needs a moment, that's all.

Just a moment.

"Pretty stupid, yeah."

"Didn't stop me from shooting my shot every time though. Actually, mind telling me why it never worked?"

Sae's eyes fly open. Ryusei looks relaxed, soft grin on her face.

"What are you talking about. There was no shot."

"Wow, you for real?" Ryusei's eyes widen. "Not even a week ago?"

A week ago. After the party. So then—

"The shower thing."

Ryusei smiles, brushes fingers down Sae's fringe. "The after-shower thing more like."

The after-shower thing. Sae remembers parts, moonlit fragments, Ryusei's hand on her hair just like this—

It's just unfair.

What is?

How beautiful you are.

Wait, but then—

Ryusei snorts at whatever face Sae's making, just snuggling closer, peppering sticky kisses to her neck. "Yeah, that tracks."

Sae closes her eyes again, sighing, and just lets Ryusei keep at it. Clingy puppy.

"I guess we are even in stupidity right now," Sae mutters. 

Ryusei snorts again. "Yeah you think?"

Sae rolls her eyes. "I know you like sex. Should've joined the dots that you'd want to have it with me too."

Ryusei stops.

"Not just sex." She looks up, brushes the tip of their noses together. "Not with you."

Sae's heart picks up instantly, racketeering all over her chest, spilling everywhere. It's the worst fucking feeling in the world.

"No?"

"No." Ryusei shakes her head, scooting her head closer on the pillow. "More. I want more."

"More."

"Jesus christ, eyelashes," Ryusei snorts. Her hand on Sae's jaw feels so safe. "you must have realized by now I'm so in love with you it hurts."

Ryusei is so good at words. At feelings. Sae's heartbeat skyrockets. She just—She can't say anything, and when she does it's always so wrong. She feels things but they get stuck and—

"I—"

"Shhh," Ryusei starts, smiling, eyes closed. "Don't. I don't need it." she just shakes her head. "Just—just be my girl."

Be my girl. 

God. Sae wasn't—she didn't plan for this. 

"Your girl."

Ryusei grins. "Let me take you out. Let me hold your hand and kiss you in the corridors and ditch class just to finger you in the bathroom."

Fuck. Sae feels—

"I —" Sae starts, then stops. She doesn't really know where she's going with this. "I'm not nice."

"I don't care about nice."

Sae ignores her. "I'm selfish. I lash out. I never say sorry." Like last week. "I won't dance with you in the middle of a club."

"Sae-chan—"

"Maybe you should find someone who will."

And isn't that bullseye, Sae thinks. This doesn't fix any of that. Sae can't be any of it, any of what would make Ryusei happy. She would—

A finger lifts her chin, makes her stare Ryusei right in the eye.

Sae expects confusion. Doubt, maybe. Instead Ryusei just—grins, eyes crinkling.

It's just as annoyingly pretty as ever.

"See, there's a problem in your logic there, though, eyelashes," Ryusei muses softly, still holding her chin. "I don't care about anyone else when there's you."

Sae stares at her face. The labored breath, the blush, the sticky and shiny lips. It's all so stupid. She's so stupid, she's—

"Also who needs dick when I've got you and a strap-on." 

Sae should sigh, roll her eyes maybe but then something inside her curls at the idea. Ryusei naked, golden-skin all bared and face buried on a pillow, ass-up and mewling and begging as Sae presses in and—

It’s easier than Sae had expected. Ryusei has great reflexes but she’s not prepared for it; Sae manages to push her down against the bed effectively, keeping her down by the shoulders so she can't move.

"What—"

"I'm not done with you."

It takes a second.

When she catches it, Ryusei grins. "Yeah? You sure?"

Sae just slides Ryusei's underwear off her legs as an answer. Sae stares at her. Her hair falls against the pillows in strands, abs clenching, narrow hips, little scars dusting her skin everywhere and god, she’s so—She just is.

Ryusei lets her legs fall open at the nod, knees bent, and it's absurd but Sae feels so tethered. So warm. Just where she's supposed to be.

"Go ahead then, Sae-chan," Ryusei says, pulling her back to the present, grinning up at her.

"Do your worst to me."