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When Dean came back, and he and Lisa had sex after so long, when they were lying in the bed, naked, Dean spoke of how much his brother mattered to him.
When Dean did his parenting work with Ben, he talked about Sam, talked about how he and Sam did things, how Sam was little and he took care of him like the way he is taking care of Ben at the moment.
When Dean and Lisa were just talking normally, and Dean made a joke that only he and Sam would understand, Dean cried, and it was Lisa who would have to comfort and hug him.
Then Lisa realized, Sam was the center of Dean's world, there wouldn't be a moment that Dean's focus wasn't focused on Sam, even after Sam's death.
Lisa realized from the moment Dean set foot back inside her house, that Dean depended on, wanted, and loved his little brother Sammy, and that there wouldn't be a moment for her. It didn't bother her, it was Dean who was depressed over the death of a loved one, not just a loved one, but his little brother, his everything.
Then one day, when Dean was sleeping peacefully at 7 o'clock at night, an early time to sleep, but Lisa didn't care, she lay there looking at the man she was sleeping, the man she was giving her body, her home, her soul.
Then she heard something come out of Dean's mouth.
"Sammy..."
Lisa at first thought it was more of one nightmare with Sam's death, that Lisa would have to help Dean while he screamed Sam's name and sweated cold in bed, that Lisa would have to comfort him in some way, not just in a way, confort him with consolations and lots of sex. At last, she couldn't bring Sam back.
"Sammy..."
But it wasn't a nightmare.
"Oh..Sammy..all..mine.."
They were murmurs that she heard from Dean's mouth, but she understood perfectly what he meant by that, it wasn't a nightmare, it was a wet dream, it was Dean rubbing himself in the blankets calling Sam's name.
Lisa realized that there was no chance that Dean really loved her as deeply as he loved his little brother Sammy, she knew, she knew from the start that she din't have no chance against Sam, the dead brother of her boyfriend almost husband.
She believed, with every inch of her soul, that Dean loved Sam so deeply that that love couldn't just be described as "brother love" or "incest".
Dean could wake up talking about Sam and go to sleep talking about Sam, and he could also dream about Sam. Oh God, she knew the story of Sam going to Stanford and Dean calling him for all those freaking (as Dean described it) 4 years and not even getting a good night or happy holidays text. And Lisa assumed that was how Dean felt now too, always calling Sam and not getting any response. And Lisa however, was sure that Lisa could be in this "Sam & Stanford Drama" story, one of the girls that Dean just had a one night case, because his focus was totally on Sam and his job, because it was always this, Sam and his job were his priorities, and it was Dean's job to take care of Sam.
Lisa wanted Dean to get better, to move on, but she knew that his little brother wouldn't leave his mind for one moment.
She also didn't mind when Dean went to the "next step" of showing more evidence to Lisa that Sam, his dead little brother, was the love of his life. He din't done it intentionally, she knew, but he hadn't made any attempt to hide it either.
And she would finally confess something to herself, she felt pain and she continued to feel pain.
They had anal sex in the middle of the night that Dean woke up from a nightmare, and in the small subtext of the night, wind coming from the window, came a "Sammy..." when Dean came inside her ass.
Lisa, oh Lisa was willing to help Dean with this, she wanted to avoid confusion, she wanted to help the man she potentially fell in love with after he had sex with her and he moaned his little brother's name. It hurt, Lisa's chest hurt every time she remembered why Dean was here and why they still kiss and had sex.
Lisa didn't complain, she didn't want to complain, Dean helped with the household bills, did his job as Ben's surrogate father, and even introduced Lisa as his wife to others.
She believed, she supposed, she imagined several times a scenario of Sam coming back and Dean running into his arms without even questioning nothing.
And then Dean started to look like he was getting over his little brother's death, but Lisa knew he wasn't, Lisa knew what Dean moaned when they were having sex, and he never mentioned when they were naked and lying on the cold mattress, and Lisa, never asked anything.
She was not fine with Dean fucking her ass (never her pussy) and cumming inside her, moaning a loud "Sam!" and gripping her hips tightly, or a low "Sammy.." with him placing tender kisses on her neck and saying how perfect and beautiful she Sam was, that Sam she was made for him.
And Dean? Lisa didn't know what he felt deeply about her, she seemed to know everything about what he felt deeply about Sam, but not about her. Even taking pictures as a family, calling her wife, acting like a happily married couple satisfied with their sex life and a child that they love.
Lisa wanted Dean, she really did, she wanted Dean to want her like he wants Sam.
Lisa watched Dean being a good father to Ben, and felt happy about it. She fantasized about spending her whole life with Dean, even if she didn't admit it.
But she wasn't Sam, and she knew it, Dean knew it too, but he pretended that not.
She would never be Sam, and she wished it didn't hurt as much as it did.