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When he was 11, Colin met Brian and Drew. They went to school together, and to training after school. Is is also the year Colin finally beat his older brother in a match in front of the house. When they played with the neighbourhood kids, Colin got picked earlier and earlier for the teams, because without really knowing it, he was becoming the best player.
When he was 12, Colin kissed a girl for the first time (he didn’t really like it, but his mom said your first kiss is never good). Colin was a quiet kid. If you had asked his parents, his siblings, his teachers or even his friends at this time, none of them would have guessed he would be the one to make it. To live the dreams of all the welsh little boys.
When he was 13, Colin beat up another kid because he was gay (Colin liked this kid, he thought he was brave, but Drew said they should).
When he was 14 years old, a coach came to see Colin and said he wanted him at the Football Class Academy. Colin hated school, it made him feel dumb, and football was the only thing he ever wanted to do. That night, Colin came home running, made his parents sign their names on 10 different pieces of paper, and started training with his new team the next week. Brian and Drew stopped talking to him, but it was okay, because Colin met Morgan, and Owen, and they all liked football better than school. His mom was worried, she said he was too young to be training so much, but Colin only saw it as an opportunity to get better.
When he was 15, Colin had his first drink. Morgan and Owen took him out for his birthday. They both were a little older but definitly not old enough to be in a bar. Somehow, they managed it. Colin doesn’t remember much from this nigt, but he knows he woke up in his family home with a terrible headache.
When he was 16, Colin scored a goal in the FA Younth Cup Semi-Final. They still lost the match 3 goals to one, but Colin was extatic. He went out to celebrate by himself, because Morgan and Owen were already focusing on the next match. Colin went to the only place he really knew, the place where he’s been going with Morgan and Owen for a year now. Colin wasn’t the only one there, he recognized Brian, from before. Brian said he didn’t talk to Drew either, and that he started working at his dad’s auto repair. Colin and Brian drank, and talked for a while, and somehow ended up in the bathroom together. Colin had kissed exactly two girls before, but this was nothing like it. Brian was sweet and charming, and he made Colin feel warm inside. They made out for a while, and Colin was sure he would die from happiness, when Brian’s phone rang. Brian checked what it was, and let a small exhale out, in Colin’s neck. Brian softly said something Colin didn’t quite hear, squeezed his hand and left with a shy look. Colin gave himself a moment to come down from his high, and started walking home. He cried himself to sleep and dreamed about Brian and Drew beating him up. When he woke up, he almost told his mom, but he was already late for training, and he knew she would tell his dad anyway. His dad who liked to insult players that were a little too skinny, a little too small. Players just like Colin.
When he was 17, Colin didn’t get to play a single match in the FA Youth Cup, because he wasn’t good enough. Owen was now captain of the team and didn’t really hang out with him anymore. The team lost in the Final. Colin got a medal he still thinks he doesn’t deserve. That night, he took his bike and went to see Brian. He had a weird conversation with Brian’s dad in the auto-shop, but Brian came running down some stairs and dragged Colin back to his bedroom. They talked even less than last time (they didn’t need to, Brian was at the match). Colin was the one to kiss Brian this time, and he was even brave enough to slip his hand in the other boy’s underwear before he freaked out a little.
He was 18 when they actually had sex for the first time. Colin still cried after, but Brian just held him. That night, Brian told Colin he was moving to Swansea for University. Colin didn’t even realize that was what normal people did at his age. They never talked again. To this day, Colin still thinks about Brian on really bad nights. Mostly, he thinks about his softess, his hugs ans his easy affection.
When he was 19, Colin got promoted to the adult team. He was now an actual professional footballer for Cardiff City Football Club. He got to play about half the matches, he was decent. He developed an important theory this year. If he blends him just enough, nobody could tell he was different. Owen was promoted the year before, but didn’t seem interested in being Colin’s friend anymore. Colin didn’t know where Morgan was, but hoped he was recruited by another club.
When he was 20, Colin was put back on all the starting lineup for most matches. He was scoring goals, but not enough to be the star of the team. Just like he wanted. He just got his first appartment that he didn’t know how to furnish. Exept for his mom, no one ever stepped foot in it, because Colin didn’t know how to be friends with his teamates. And because he was scared. Scared of being different, scared of being hated, scared of being outed. He still thought about soft, kind Brian, and cool, funny Owen. He thought about all the boys he liked, and the ones he didn’t, and maybe he cried a little when he couldn’t understand why they didn’t like him.
The next season, when Colin was 21, Cardiff City Club lost the FA Cup, and got relegated. They kept their two best scorers to try to come back the next year, but not Colin. His dad was so angry Colin thought he would hit him. Owen hugged Colin for the first time in years, wispering ‘good luck’ in his ear, and that was when Colin understood he wouldn’t stay on the team. That night, Colin curled up in his big bed by himself, but didn’t shed a single tear.
When he was 22, Colin signed with Richmond. They were barely better than Cardiff, but they were the only ones who wanted him. He got there during the pre-season, found a house to live in (is was furnished, and Colin was glad he didn’t have to worry about that). He met Roy fucking Kent, and couln’t even tell him a whole sentence without flushing. Colin decided it would be safer to just not talk to him. Exept, fucking Roy Kent was the captain of their team and if Colin didn’t talk to him, nobody talked to Colin. That was fine. Colin trained hard and patiently waited to play an important match.
Little by little, Colin lost everything he loved about football. The camaraderie, the friends, the feeling of owning a win -or a loss- together. He had to remind himself everyday that it didn’t matter. He still got to go out on the pitch and play. He was payed an insane amount of money to play a game. He’s always loved playing, and it doesn’t matter if he’s 10 years older and hasn’t felt fun in a long time.
When Colin was 23, Isaac joined the team. Colin was still perfecting his theory, trying to find a way to be the most average footballer out there, and Isaac just saw him. He asked him about his favorite color, and what number he would have wanted on his jersey if he could have chosen, and why he didn’t have any pictures in his house. Colin freaked out, just a little bit. Isaac was kind, and funny, and reminded him of Brian. Isaac kept asking if Colin was okay with a frown, and Colin had a hard time lying to him.
It took a year. Colin was 24 when he finally let Isaac in. He told him how tired he was of this job that was literally his dream. He told him he didn’t think he would last as long as Roy fucking Kent. He didn’t tell him why though (he still had dreams and little Drew and little Brian beating him up). He thought of the version of him who used to run home after school and waited for hours in front of the house for one of his neighbours to play with him. He thought about Brian, leaving. He though about his Nan, dying after a year and a half of silence. He thought about his dad, ans his mom, and his siblings, who he saw once a year, and never really knew what to tell them. He tried to articulate his thoughts without sounding too pathetic. When Isaac just smiled sadly and nodded, he even told him how much he hated their coach. George fucking Cartrick, calling him a pussy after training. He told Isaac about the loneliness, and sweet, sweet Isaac started to invite Colin along with other players out every week. Colin hadn’t really gone out with anyone since Owen and Morgan, and it was really different to be underage drinking in a Cardiff pub, and to be in a club with 10 other grown men. It was everything Colin thought he was missing.
When Colin was 25, Manchester City decided to loan their prodigy to the club. Colin remembers tinking, if this kid is this good, why don’t they just make him play for them ? Jamie fucking Tartt. Jamie Tartt and his attitude, and his handsome smile and his terrible hair and ugly clothes, Jamie Tartt who’s only 20 years old and better than Colin will ever be. Most of the team seem to instantly like him. Colin doesn’t really get it, because he’s been here 3 seasons, and he’s never seen a player welcomed as easily. Colin is maybe, maybe a little bit jealous. But Colin has Isaac, who turns out to be the best friend he ever had, and an absolute killer at Mariokart. Colin can’t be jealous, because he has exactlywhat he wanted. He is in a Premier league team with Roy fucking Kent, he has a Isaac, he is in the strating line of almost every match, he gets clapped on the soulder multiple times a day by guys who might be his friends (Colin is still unsure about what makes someone a friend when he’s still hiding such a big part of his identity). He has everything he wants, and not too much attention on him. Life is great.