Archive of Our Own ^beta

Seunghyun is nervous despite himself, waiting at a back corner table for Seungri to join him at the barbecue restaurant they chose for dinner. It's a small, quiet place, and late enough that there are only a few other diners, but he still feels weirdly conspicuous sitting alone. He's downed a beer and a half already by the time Seungri shows up, predictably late but, less predictably, apologetic about it.

"I told them I had somewhere to be at ten," Seungri greets him, removing his sunglasses and gesturing angrily at no one. "I'm really sorry."

"It's not a big deal." Seunghyun stands awkwardly, unsure of how to greet the maknae who's not really his maknae anymore. Thankfully, Seungri doesn't seem quite as uncomfortable with the situation; he claps Seunghyun on the shoulders before pulling him into a hug, and it gets easier from there.

"It's been too long," Seungri says.

It has. "I know. A year?"

"Too long. Where have you been, anyway?"

"All over the place," Seunghyun says, hoping to let it drop there.

They press the button on their table and the waitress shows up to get Seungri's drink order, then, tripping briefly over her words, his autograph. It's to be expected, but still a little jarring, that she doesn't even realize who Seunghyun is at first.

"That's T.O.P. from Big Bang," Seungri says helpfully, gesturing at Seunghyun with his pen when he's done signing the waitress's planner.

She gasps. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize—"

Seunghyun smiles tightly, fighting the urge to smack Seungri upside the head. At least that's familiar.

"It's fine," he says. "My hair's pretty different these days." He keeps it black and relatively short now, a probably futile attempt to recover from all the years of bleach.

"You're fatter, too," Seungri says with a grin, but now the waitress wants his autograph too, and Seunghyun ignores him in favor of obliging her.

"Ass," Seunghyun says once she's finally bowed herself out of the room.

Seungri just laughs. "So, really. What have you been doing?"

It's a hard question to answer coming from anyone, but especially Seungri. They haven't kept in touch very well, and seeing Seungri in his present state—well put-together and still comfortably in the limelight, the host of his own variety show—is admittedly hard on Seunghyun's ego.

"I haven't been doing much," Seunghyun admits, chuckling and fidgeting with his watch.

They disbanded officially five years ago, but the other members have kept busy. Seungri is hosting his show and engaged to a member of one of the newer girl groups—she's way too young for him, but they look happy enough from what Seunghyun has seen on the internet. Youngbae is YG's new Master Hwang, and in some ways also the new Sean, already settled down with a wife and kids at home. Jiyong worked a solo career for three years, but even now that he's on hiatus he's writing and producing half the music YG pumps out. Daesung's solo career is still going strong.

Other than a handful of collaborations and a lot of traveling, Seunghyun hasn't done shit.

"Jiyong keeps saying you need to go back to YG and produce with him," Seungri says at length, his expression consolatory.

That's way too embarrassing. When did Seunghyun get so pathetic that the brattiest maknae in the world has started to pity him?

"I'm still considering my options," Seunghyun says, so forced he can feel his face burning. Seungri lets it drop, though, in a display of maturity Seunghyun wouldn't have thought him capable of a few years ago, and he at once feels guilty for letting so much distance grow between them. The fact that the change is so noticeable means he's been away too long.

"We're talking about a June wedding," Seungri says to change the subject, after his drink has arrived and they've ordered enough meat for four. "I'm assuming you'll be available?"

Seunghyun scowls and Seungri just smirks. "Yeah. I still have to meet Aecha, though."

"Are you going to be in Seoul for a while? You can come for dinner whenever you want. Jiyong comes sometimes."

"I'm not sure how long yet, but yeah, we'll make it happen soon." Seunghyun avoids Seungri's gaze and toys with his watch again.

Part of the reason he's back is to answer that very question; he's still hovering on the brink of giving up his villa, since he hasn't been around enough in the past year to justify having it. But considering that the other reason is because he seems to have run out of places to run away to, maybe he should keep it.

"Good," Seungri says.

A silence falls and soon grows heavy and awkward, to the point that Seungri mutters an apology and pulls out his phone to text something.

"Do you know how Daesung is doing?" he asks as he puts it away again.

The question makes Seunghyun jolt. "I have no idea," he says, a little too quick.

Seungri considers him for a few seconds before resting his chin in his hand. "He's the hardest one to get a hold of these days, other than you. But I assumed you two would still be in contact, at least."

Out of the corner of his eye, Seunghyun sees the waitress approaching with their bowl of meat, and he's immensely grateful for the distraction. He keeps his eyes trained on the bowl when he says, "What do you mean?"

The waitress bows away again with Seungri's thanks, but the bowl just sits untouched between them until Seunghyun reluctantly looks up.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Hyung?" Seungri seems genuinely confused, rather than accusatory, but still Seunghyun feels like he's lost his appetite.

"I'm not really your hyung anymore," he mutters.

Seungri sighs before picking up the tongs and laying the meat slowly, strip by strip, to sizzle on the grill. "I always looked up to you the most, you know."

Seunghyun frowns. "Me? What about Jiyong?"

"I liked Jiyong best," Seungri says—it's good to see he's at least as unabashed about speaking his mind now as ever— "but I looked up to you. You were the coolest person I knew. I wanted to be you, most days."

There's nothing Seunghyun can think to say to that. He blinks for so long that Seungri starts to laugh.

"Don't look so surprised," he says. "I was always so pissed we had to share a name. I couldn't stand being compared to you."

"That must have been a hard burden to bear," Seunghyun agrees, recovering a little.

After giving him an obligatory kick under the table, Seungri says, "I only bring it up because I always thought you could do anything."

Seunghyun tenses a little. "So?"

"So, live up to it. It's depressing seeing you like this."

There's nothing Seunghyun can think to say to that, either. He shifts his eyes away from Seungri's, down to the table.

"You cooked all the meat," Seunghyun says suddenly, finding his plate full of perfect, sizzling beef and pork.

Seungri grins. "We all have to grow up sometime."

~

"Seunghyun!"

Youngbae opens the door to his apartment and immediately pulls Seunghyun into a crushing embrace, which he struggles against only briefly. There's never been any point in trying to fight those biceps.

"It's so good to see you," Youngbae says quietly, close to Seunghyun's ear. "Are you finally done disappearing on us?"

The welcome is so heartfelt that Seunghyun starts, ridiculously, to tear up. "It's good to see you too," is all he can manage in return, but he tries to wrap his arms just as tightly around Youngbae's back. For the most part, Youngbae is exactly the same as the last time Seunghyun saw him, although even after a couple years, Seunghyun doesn't think he'll ever get used to the fuzzy, close-cropped hair. It took disbanding and getting married for Youngbae to finally lose the mohawk.

Youngbae's daughters race in to greet Seunghyun next—three-year-old twins, if Seunghyun is remembering right, both girls. He's not great with kids, but Youngbae's offspring are fucking adorable.

"Say hi to Uncle Seunghyun, girls," Youngbae says.

They chant in practically perfect unison, "Hi!", and Seunghyun covers his mouth to hide his laugh.

"They're better trained than Boss ever was," he says.

"If Youngbae had his way, they wouldn't be," says Sunhee, Youngbae's wife, turning the corner. "He can't discipline to save his life. I'm always the bad guy."

Youngbae smiles guiltily and Seunghyun laughs, moving to give Sunhee a hug. He's liked her since even before she and Youngbae started dating, and because she was one of Big Bang's regular backup dancers, they're actually pretty familiar. When Youngbae first told them, everyone was a little stunned; Sunhee is tough as nails and about as fundamentally opposite Youngbae as humanly possible. Once Seunghyun realized she's basically the female Jiyong, though, it kind of all came together.

"Should we come in and help clean up?" Youngbae says.

"What, so you can rile them up before bed? No way. You two are banished to the balcony."

Which Seunghyun is pretty sure is just a subtle way of giving them some alone time. He smiles and gives Sunhee a nod.

"Thanks," Youngbae says, kissing her on the cheek. The gesture makes Seunghyun feel unexpectedly strange, something twisting painfully in his gut, but he shakes it off when Sunhee rolls her eyes and pushes Youngbae away.

"Please make him talk about something other than work for a few minutes!" she calls after Seunghyun, who waves his acknowledgement and follows Youngbae onto the balcony. It's spacious but simple, with just two pristine-looking chairs and an awesome view of the city. Seunghyun privately makes a note to check out the state of his own patio furniture when he gets back.

"So, how's work?" Seunghyun asks, after sliding the glass door shut. They both laugh.

"It's good," Youngbae says. "The new kids are hard workers, for the most part." As soon as Seunghyun pulls up a chair, Youngbae jerks to his feet. "Oh, sorry—you want a drink?"

Seunghyun raises an eyebrow. "Uh—what do you have?" He knows Youngbae isn't much of a drinker, especially now that he's got kids, but Seunghyun would kill for a beer.

"Just about everything." Youngbae laughs. "It's Sunhee's. She says after I give birth to twins I can talk to her about drinking habits."

Seunghyun grins. "Beer, then."

Youngbae ends up bringing back one for himself, too—"It's a special occasion," he explains—and they toast to nothing in particular, watching the sunset over the city quietly for a while.

"Do you miss it?" Youngbae asks, once Seunghyun has already finished his beer but is trying to pretend he hasn't so he doesn't look like too much of an alcoholic.

He sets down his can with a hollow clunk, and a look of amused understanding crosses Youngbae's face. From his left, he mysteriously produces another, which Seunghyun accepts, only sort of embarrassed.

"Thanks." He takes a good swallow before answering, "Yeah. Not all of it, but a lot. Especially lately, I—" He cuts himself off, dangerously close to making himself sound too pathetic again. "I miss all of you guys," he covers, giving Youngbae a smile.

Youngbae smiles back, a little sadly. "I still feel bad sometimes. Like it was my fault."

It's true that Youngbae's sudden engagement came at a time that marked the beginning of the end. But—"That wasn't why," Seunghyun says, genuinely. Big Bang's time was coming to a close no matter how much they all wanted to pretend otherwise.

"Yeah." Youngbae looks out over the city again and Seunghyun wishes more than anything he could scrub some of that guilt off his face. Out of all of them, of course Youngbae would be the one to try and carry the burden of their breakup on his shoulders.

"Hey," Seunghyun says, intending to change the subject, but just then the balcony door slides open and one of the twins pops her head out.

"Daddy, Mommy says it's bedtime so you and Uncle Seunghyun have to leave." She turns her gaze on Seunghyun then and asks, "Did you bring presents?"

"Jinae!" Youngbae snaps. "Don't be rude!"

"Oh, right," Seunghyun mutters. He left a bag of souvenirs from his recent trip to America in the entryway.

They decide to take the dog for a walk—Youngbae immediately got a new Boston Terrier after Boss died, several years ago now—and finish their beers quickly. Seunghyun hands over the bag of gifts to the twins as he's putting on his shoes, and the ensuing chaos makes him simultaneously sorry for Sunhee and glad they're getting out of there.

"It never really gets any quieter," Youngbae sighs once they're outside, letting the dog pull him toward the nearest bush, but Seunghyun doesn't miss the peaceful expression on his face.

"It's exactly what you always wanted," Seunghyun says.

Youngbae smiles dopily. "I know."

The twist in his gut comes back but Seunghyun does his best to ignore it, stuffing his hands deep in his pockets and feeling annoyed with himself. Seeing Youngbae this at ease, all the sleeplessness and worry lines gone from his face, should only make Seunghyun happy, but he selfishly can't help but resent the sharp contrast with his own post-Big Bang life. When he notices Youngbae studying him, Seunghyun flips his hood up and starts to walk faster.

It's a nice night out, warm for the fall, and Seunghyun lets his mind wander as they follow the dog nowhere in particular, down steep embankments alongside the river, stopping frequently for pee breaks. The calm is only occasionally broken by a passing jogger.

And then Youngbae, when he abruptly asks, "Have you been talking to Daesung?"

Seunghyun's shoulders tighten up. "Not in a while," he says, words clipped.

"Hmm."

There's a lot going on behind Youngbae's hum, but Seunghyun grits his teeth and doesn't comment.

"I feel like it'd be a lot easier for you to be happy right now than you think," Youngbae says.

He wants to scowl and give the cold shoulder for a while—his tried and trusted method for dealing with Youngbae when he's in judgmental mode—but Seunghyun can't help but reply, "Who says I'm unhappy?"

Youngbae scoffs. "Come on, Seunghyun. How long have we known each other?"

After that, Youngbae lets it drop. The rest of the walk is nice enough, and by the time they return to Youngbae's building they're even making idle conversation again, but Seunghyun's thoughts are scattered and he has a hard time focusing on the words.

~

Seunghyun is embarrassed by how nerve-wracking a simple trip to YG Studios has become to him, but he can't help the way his palms are sweating as he looks up at the building, phone unresponsive in his pocket. He was hoping to get Jiyong to meet him outside to avoid any awkward encounters, but his last several texts have gone unanswered. After one final glimpse at his phone, just to make sure he hasn't missed a message, he squares his shoulders and forces himself to walk inside.

It's a familiar and easy enough journey to the recording studio where he guesses he'll find Jiyong, but he keeps looking over his shoulder the whole time, like he's snuck in somewhere he's not supposed to be. Jiyong is at the computer when Seunghyun opens the door, and despite Seunghyun's efforts to slip in noiselessly and not distract from anything important, when they make eye contact Jiyong jumps up from his chair.

"It's Bingu!" he cheers, launching himself at Seunghyun and scrambling up into an off-kilter piggyback.

"Get off me," Seunghyun chokes. Jiyong doesn't, so he plays dirty and falls backward onto the couch.

"I surrender, get up before I die," Jiyong groans, voice muffled into Seunghyun's shirt. Seunghyun allows himself to crush Jiyong for just a few more seconds before finally rolling off, grinding his butt into Jiyong's stomach for good measure.

"You need to gain weight," Seunghyun says. "You're skinnier than the last time I saw you."

"I'll take some of yours," Jiyong says, grinning. He jumps away just in time to avoid Seunghyun's punch.

A kid whose name Seunghyun should definitely know—his stage name is Destiny, but that's all Seunghyun can remember—opens the door to the booth cautiously, eyeing Jiyong and Seunghyun like they're dangerous. "Uh, Jiyong-Hyung, should I stay or . . . ?"

"Get out of here," Jiyong replies, moving to tousle Destiny's hair affectionately. "Good work today, are you up for more tomorrow?"

The kid nods, then mutters a respectful greeting to Seunghyun before grabbing his bag and escaping from the room. They wave until he's out the door, and then Jiyong is climbing all over Seunghyun again, crooning into his ear, "Bingu Bingu, stop switching your words . . . why are you confusing me, why are you playing with me—"

"Do you want to die?" Seunghyun says, but only out of habit. He can remember hating it back when all the other members started serenading him by changing the Bingle Bingle lyrics to "Bingu Bingu," but it's been so long since he last heard it even he has to admit it's kind of funny now.

"Bingu Bingu, my head hurts, oh oh oh . . . I can't help it, I missed you!" He loops his arms around Seunghyun's neck again, and Seunghyun reciprocates by rubbing Jiyong's head.

"What are we going to do tonight?" Jiyong asks cheerfully. "Dinner? Drinks? Clubbing?" He emphasizes the last word by jostling Seunghyun back and forth, until Seunghyun bursts into laughter.

"You're the one who has work tomorrow. You decide."

Jiyong disengages himself and waves Seunghyun off, standing to collect his things scattered around the room—a hat, his wallet, a pack of cigarettes. "I start whenever I want. No one cares if I'm showered or just wearing pajamas, either. Producing is sweet."

Seunghyun decides not to take the bait, changing the subject. "Is anyone else around?" He says it as nonchalantly as possible, but Jiyong misses nothing.

"Daesung's not in today," he answers immediately. Seunghyun feels his cheeks get hot. "Youngbae should be home by now. I think YG might still be here, if you want to talk to him about producing—"

"That's fine," Seunghyun interrupts. "Another time."

Jiyong pouts. "I wish you'd just come back already. It'd be a lot more fun with you around."

It's not that Seunghyun doesn't want to. Helping to make music while staying mostly out of the spotlight and spending time with Jiyong and some of the other faces he's missed from YG sounds nice. But part of the reason he took time off and started traveling was to sort his life out, and until he does, going back feels like stalling, playing pretend.

"I'm not quite ready yet," Seunghyun says, apologetic. "I've just gotta figure some stuff out."

Jiyong looks at him like he knows exactly what Seunghyun needs to figure out, but unfortunately, he doesn't share. "Okay," he says. "But I'm gonna bring it up again when you're drunk."

Seunghyun knows Jiyong is as good as his word, so as soon they sit down at the bar in the first club of the evening—some newer place Jiyong insists they'll be able to hear each other talk at, with an exclusive enough clientele that they'll be left alone—Seunghyun begins implementing his plan to get Jiyong drunk first.

"So yeah, I guess I've slept with like five of the trainees," Jiyong says blearily, already six drinks in to Seunghyun's three and a half. His technique is to pretend to knock them back while secretly only taking sips so Jiyong has to hurry to keep up.

"Good to know some things never change," Seunghyun says. And some really don't: Jiyong is back to chain smoking again, although he insists he's going to quit soon, for good this time. His hair is still bleached blond, which he's mostly stuck with since going on hiatus, for reasons Seunghyun can't fathom. He has a different bedmate every night of the week. "Aren't you getting a little old for seducing everyone you meet?"

The grin Jiyong gives him is way too self-satisfied for his own good. "Nobody keeps track of my age anymore. I'm on hiatus, remember?"

"Fair enough." Seunghyun snorts and takes a real swig of his drink, the beginnings of a comfortable buzz just setting in. The blinding lights flashing around them are making him wish he were drunker, though. "You really like producing that much? Aren't you ever gonna go back?"

It's probably kind of a rude question to ask upfront, but Seunghyun figures he can get away with it, especially when they're drinking. He's never stopped wondering why Jiyong cut his solo career off when he did; his ratings were off the charts and his sales were still breaking records, even into the third year.

Jiyong doesn't seem offended, though, just shakes his head and finishes his drink. "One more of the same, please," he says to the bartender, before returning his attention to Seunghyun. "Nah. I don't know. Those were probably the hardest years for me since debuting. I was miserable all the time."

A pang of guilt stabs at Seunghyun. He's stayed in contact with Jiyong the best out of everyone, but somehow this news is still a complete shock to him. "I didn't know," he says thickly. "But—you always wanted to go solo so bad?"

"I know." Jiyong's smile is a little sad, even through the alcohol. "But once I really got it, it wasn't right." He pauses to accept his next drink from the bartender, taking a sip before elaborating, "I think maybe Big Bang was it for us. It was exactly what we were meant to do. But that doesn't mean it was supposed last forever, and it doesn't mean we have to be unhappy now."

His gaze sharpens suddenly, and Seunghyun hastily looks down into his glass as Jiyong jabs a finger in his direction. "Seunghyun. You're making yourself unhappy."

"What are you talking about?" Just so he'll have something to do with his hands, Seunghyun sloshes some of his drink on the bar top and starts mopping it up with a napkin. "You're the one who just said you were miserable."

"I was miserable. Before. Then I made some changes to my life and now everything's fine again. Everything's great. What are you changing?"

There's nothing left to mop up, but Seunghyun pushes around the mess of soggy napkins in a circle, tracing a pattern onto the bar. The lights reflecting off his glass are starting to give him a headache. "I don't know what needs changing," he mutters. "That's the problem."

"God, you're an idiot," Jiyong groans. "You could start by calling Daesung."

Seunghyun bristles, tearing the puddle of napkins in half. "Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?"

When he dares to meet Jiyong's eyes, he falters at the unexpected pity in his expression. "Really, Seunghyun?" Jiyong says quietly. "Even now?"

It dawns on Seunghyun that despite getting Jiyong drunk faster, he's still been cornered into a conversation he never intended to have. "Let's go dance," he suggests, the only diversionary tactic he knows will always work on Jiyong. He finishes the rest of his drink in one swallow and stands, waiting for Jiyong to do the same.

"You're hopeless," Jiyong says, clapping him on the back, but he's cheerful and distracted now, guiding Seunghyun toward the small but busy dance floor. "Hey, I wrote this song!"

"I need another drink before I can dance to this crap," Seunghyun says, earning him a kick to the shins, but he darts back to the bar and grabs another anyway. Jiyong doesn't need to know that he wants to drink himself into oblivion for a different reason entirely.

~

The next day is hell. Seunghyun wakes up at 1:30, head throbbing and mouth dry, to a text from Jiyong:

fuck you this is the worst day of my life

It hurts too much to laugh, so Seunghyun just gropes on his bedside table for the glass of water he wisely poured himself the night before and takes a long drink.

haha. you have a job, he texts back.

not today i don't. calling in sick. you can do that when you're a producer ^^

Seunghyun chuckles at that, but regrets it a second later, setting down his phone in order to massage his temples. He picks it up again after the next buzz.

02-822-3828

Seunghyun blinks at the screen, stupidly perplexed, trying to figure out if this is code for something.

what's that? he finally responds.

daesung's new number. i'm sure he sent it to you but i'm sure you also didn't save it.

Maybe Jiyong rightfully predicts that Seunghyun doesn't reply because he feels sick all of a sudden. He struggles out of bed as quickly as he can manage, stumbling to the bathroom to take the longest piss of his life, but once he's decided he's not going to puke just yet, he returns to find another text.

what's the point of being rich and famous if you never even get what you really want?

There's nothing Seunghyun can say in reply, so he carefully, achingly lowers himself back onto his bed, closes his eyes, and remembers.

~

The first time it happened was after Seunghyun visited Family Outing, while watching the airing with Daesung the following Sunday. Jiyong and Youngbae couldn't make it home in time, and Seungri had said he'd watch with them but ended up passing out on the living room couch ten minutes in, so after dragging him to bed Seunghyun and Daesung were alone for the broadcast. That suited Seunghyun fine; he liked spending time with just Daesung.

"Look at you, you're so cute, Hyung," Daesung said, pinching one of Seunghyun's cheeks and beaming at him.

"I'm so awkward," Seunghyun corrected, swatting Daesung's hand away but then catching it in his own on second thought. Daesung was draped almost entirely on top of him on the couch, head pillowed on his chest, and even though there were no cameras on them, Seunghyun started rubbing Daesung's hand with his thumb. Lately he couldn't seem to turn off the affection no matter where they were, which would be worrying except that it never seemed to exactly bother Daesung.

"That's what's cute." Daesung hummed against Seunghyun's chest and Seunghyun liked the feel of it, cozy and warming, buzzing right down to his stomach. "I wish you could be our guest every week."

Seunghyun chuckled and squeezed Daesung's hand. Daesung seemed to be focusing on the show again, but Seunghyun couldn't: he kept honing in on Daesung's breathing and the feel of his heartbeat, his own blood pumping fast in his ears. It made him anxious when he got like this, because it was sloppy and obvious, and it would only take Daesung asking why Seunghyun seemed so tense for something to come tumbling out.

Instead, Daesung started laughing, clutching at Seunghyun's sweatshirt with his free hand and burying his face in it. "I forgot how bad you were with the fish," he said giddily. "Look at your face! You're so scared!"

Glad for the distraction, Seunghyun pretended to be indignant. "It was huge! Its mouth was bigger than my head!" He sat up straighter and gave Daesung a look of outrage, but Daesung only curled into his shirt and laughed harder. "It's not like you were volunteering to pick it up," Seunghyun added, pushing him away.

Daesung let himself be pushed, dramatically flinging onto his back. "Why isn't anyone else here?" he moaned. "I need to tell them you're secretly a huge baby."

"You've told enough secrets about me to people lately," Seunghyun said, recalling all too clearly his least favorite nickname being leaked on national TV. Gripped by something reckless, or maybe just stupid, he moved to straddle Daesung's lap, pinning him to the couch. "Which I haven't paid you back for yet, come to think of it."

"Yes you did! On the show, and then—" Daesung dropped his protest with a yelp as Seunghyun went right for the armpits and started tickling. Sometimes Seunghyun wondered if Daesung let him win these fights, because Daesung's struggling was pathetically futile and Seunghyun definitely wasn't the stronger of the two, but that thought only made his stomach knot up in a nice sort of way.

"Say you're sorry," Seunghyun demanded, one hand still in Daesung's armpit, one under his shirt now, tickling up the side.

"It was an accident! They tricked me!" Daesung gasped, almost unintelligible through his laughter.

"I don't care! Apologize!" Seunghyun lowered his face so he was talking close to Daesung's ear and tickled even harder. Something in the air might have shifted a little, but it was easy to ignore with the TV still blaring in the background and Daesung laughing and wriggling under him.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!" Even after Seunghyun stopped tickling and collapsed on top of him, giving in to his own laughter, Daesung went on, "You're the smartest hyung in the world! I'll never call you Bingu again! Especially not on TV!"

"All right, all right." Seunghyun knew he should move but couldn't bring himself to, enjoying the sensation of nuzzling in next to Daesung's ear too much. When he accidentally exhaled, a little too slow and hot, against the side of Daesung's neck, he felt Daesung go still beneath him.

They were having all too many moments like this recently. Seunghyun didn't know what to do so he froze, mind whirring, searching desperately for a way out. Sometimes he would do something extra obnoxious, like blowing a raspberry on Daesung's stomach or pinching his nose, to distract them. Sometimes he would roll away and make a jumbled, forced excuse, which was sort of the opposite of smooth but at least gave him a means of escape. Today, Seunghyun was feeling strangely emboldened, a dangerous edge to his thoughts continually repeating What if you tried it just once?

He braced himself against the couch and lifted his head, just enough to really take Daesung in. Daesung was still smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes, and that barest hint of recognition was what made Seunghyun's decision for him. He sucked in one last breath to clear his head, shifted his weight onto his elbows, and kissed Daesung, quick and hard and with his eyes closed.

What was so terrifying was that it wasn't a joke. Seunghyun couldn't laugh his way out of this one, not even with Daesung, because it was too real and too big. So when Daesung responded without half a moment's pause, sliding his hand up the back of Seunghyun's neck and curling fingers in his hair, holding him firmly in place, Seunghyun nearly jerked off the couch in disbelief.

"Daesung," he said sharply, pulling back, scandalized even though he was the one who had started it in the first place.

Daesung just looked at him through half-lidded eyes. "What?" he said, trailing fingers up and down Seunghyun's neck like it was nothing at all, like this was the most natural thing for them to be doing on a Sunday night.

In a moment, the panic that had been steadily building in Seunghyun's chest deflated. He shifted his weight to settle himself more comfortably, which Daesung accommodated by shifting as well, resting his free hand on the small of Seunghyun's back. Then Seunghyun went in for another kiss, almost suspicious of how easy it was, his heart skipping when Daesung met him halfway. He sucked at Daesung's upper lip until Daesung sucked back, and it was Daesung who encouraged Seunghyun, with a nudge and a lick, to open his mouth wider.

"What are we doing?" Seunghyun murmured against Daesung's mouth, in between licking and sucking, although he hadn't intended to speak. He was so foggy and dazed it was as if he had no control over anything anymore, least of all his brain.

Daesung had the nerve to laugh. "Isn't that obvious?" he said, but his voice wasn't entirely steady. He emphasized the words with a slight roll of his hips, and Seunghyun was suddenly aware that he was hard—so hard it was painful, maybe more turned on than he'd ever been in his life.

"Fuck." Seunghyun buried the word into the side of Daesung's neck, then started sucking there, brutally, intending to leave a mark. Daesung swore and dug nails into Seunghyun's scalp, which didn't do anything to help his hard-on. It was pressing into Daesung's hip now, persistent, and he actually wasn't trying to rock forward but it happened, again and again with increasing urgency, until he was unabashedly humping Daesung's side.

"Oh. . . ." Daesung was surprisingly quiet other than a few breathy gasps, maybe remembering Seungri in the other room, but he wasn't shy about keeping up with Seunghyun. He let his legs fall apart, making room for Seunghyun's thigh, and soon they were grinding against each other in the same rhythm, Seunghyun forgetting Daesung's neck to pant against his shoulder, Daesung sliding one hand down the back of Seunghyun's jeans, grabbing his ass.

Seunghyun had had plenty of sex by this point—in relationships and casually, with ordinary women and celebrities, under the influence and sober—but it had never been like this. Dry-humping his bandmate on the couch was hardly the most exciting thing he'd ever done but he was drowning in the feel of it, desperate for it to keep going but at the same time almost wishing it would end because it was too much, his skin was too sensitive, he couldn't breathe. When he finally came it sounded like a sob, and he couldn't stop trembling against Daesung's chest as he buried his face in his shirt, too overwhelmed to think. Daesung kept moving against him, clutching his scalp and ass more tightly until his breath hitched and Seunghyun felt him come too, relaxing slowly, in increments. It was only a few seconds before reality hit Seunghyun hard and he was at once terrified. He had no idea what happened next.

"Hey," Daesung whispered, long before Seunghyun had regained the ability to speak. Seunghyun reluctantly lifted his head and Daesung kissed him, smoothing down his hair, rubbing small circles over his back like he knew he was scared. After a few minutes had passed and their breathing had calmed, Daesung shifted again, helped Seunghyun to readjust more comfortably, and pulled a blanket up over them.

"Stop thinking," Daesung said, closing his eyes and continuing to pet Seunghyun's hair. Seunghyun closed his eyes too, but even pillowed on Daesung's chest he felt like he was suffocating, his panic returning as he drowned in the realization of what they'd just done. This wasn't a dream and it wasn't reversible, and there was no way it could work. He felt like he was going to be sick.

After a little while, Daesung's hand stilled and his breathing fell into an even pattern, but Seunghyun couldn't turn his brain off. He was pretty sure he would never sleep again.

Family Outing had long since ended by the time Jiyong and Youngbae came home. It wasn't that weird to find Seunghyun and Daesung passed out together in front of the TV, so Youngbae just came over to gently rouse them, and Seunghyun put on a good show of pretending to have been asleep.

"You two should get to bed," Youngbae said, looking exhausted himself.

They had no choice, with Jiyong and Youngbae watching, but to go their separate ways, although Daesung gave Seunghyun's hand a squeeze before they stepped apart. Seunghyun watched Daesung go, torn between immense relief and nauseating disappointment, before muttering a good night to Jiyong and Youngbae and heading to bed himself.

He didn't sleep a minute that night, but it still wasn't an excuse for the next day. For the most part, he acted like he'd never seen Daesung before in his life. When that didn't make him feel any better, he got wasted with Jiyong, went to a club, and slept with the first gorgeous woman he could find.

Daesung never brought it up once.

~

The second time didn't happen until years later. It shouldn't have happened at all, but Seunghyun let his guard down, maybe partially because things had healed over too smoothly after Family Outing. Once Seunghyun stopped being awkward all the time Daesung mostly warmed up again, and they got back to the place where they could at least touch and be affectionate on camera. Seunghyun told himself that was enough.

But he was too stupid to stay safe for forever, and that night they were riding on the high of one of their best performances ever of their first world tour, giddy and excitable backstage. The encore was just finished and every stagehand, makeup artist and coordi-noona had already given Seunghyun a hug or a handshake or a clap on the back, congratulating him on a job well done. Somehow, in the whirlwind of stripping out of sweaty costumes and finding water bottles and searching for an available bathroom, he and Daesung had gotten lost together.

"It's definitely this way," Daesung said, pointing down a dark hall with creepy exposed pipes in the ceiling, wiping sweaty bangs out of his face even though they always fell right back into his eyes.

"That's not a bathroom, it's where they keep the Minotaur," Seunghyun said, and even though it was a stupid joke they collapsed together laughing. They proceeded down the hall like that, snickering and falling against each other, until they reached a dead end.

"Storage closet," Daesung said. For whatever reason, he tried the knob.

"They don't keep toilets in those," Seunghyun said, but when the door opened and Daesung stepped inside, Seunghyun didn't hesitate to follow him.

"It's dark," Seunghyun said. Which was a stupid comment for a lot of reasons, but especially because he was the one who had shut the door behind them.

Daesung reached across Seunghyun's shoulder—there was enough space in the closet for two people to stand, if they didn't mind the various mops and buckets, but not a lot beyond that—and tugged on a chain next to his ear, making Seunghyun wince at the sudden brightness.

"See any Minotaurs?" Daesung asked.

Seunghyun tried but couldn't quite manage a straight face, squinting at a point beyond Daesung's shoulder. "I think that's just Taeyang."

They collapsed into each other in laughter again, wheezing and wiping away tears even though the joke hadn't gotten any funnier, and that was when something went wrong. The next moment, Seunghyun was taking a step backward, the backs of his legs hitting the shelves behind him, and he and Daesung were kissing, hard and messy and unrestrained. He tangled his fingers in Daesung's hair and Daesung pressed hands to either side of his neck, stroking thumbs over his jawline, breathing heavy into his mouth.

"You look so hot after concerts," Daesung murmured, abandoning Seunghyun's mouth briefly to kiss at his neck. It made Seunghyun's skin flush even hotter—not just the kissing, but the idea that this was something Daesung noticed often, something he'd been continually thinking about.

"Daesung—" Seunghyun felt dizzy, couldn't get out another word.

"Don't tell me to stop," Daesung said quietly, hands sliding down Seunghyun's chest. The tone of his voice made Seunghyun's stomach hurt.

"No, I—" Seunghyun tried again, but that was exactly when the closet door started to open.

"Daesung-Oppa?" came someone's voice. "Are you—"

Seunghyun and Daesung sprung apart an instant before one of the coordi-noonas could open the door all the way, but between the tiny closet and their flushed lips, their labored breathing and guilty expressions, it couldn't have been more obvious what they were doing.

"Sorry!" she said quickly, backing out and mostly closing the door, leaving just a crack open to talk through. "Sorry, I saw the light and thought—everyone is looking for you two, so I—I'll just wait back by the dressing rooms!"

The sound of her hastily retreating footsteps echoed briefly through the crack, faded, and was gone before either of them could reply.

Seunghyun buried his face in his hands. "Fuck," he said, smacking his forehead soundly against a shelf.

"I'll talk to her," Daesung said quickly. His eyes were wide and scared, and Seunghyun felt like he could see everything that could possibly go wrong reflected in them. "I don't think she'd say anything," Daesung added, looking to Seunghyun now, maybe for reassurance. "She's really nice—"

"Daesung," Seunghyun said, surprised at how much his voice was wavering. "We can't."

For one horrible, gut-churning moment, Daesung looked like he was going to cry. Then it was over, and his expression was unreadable again, calm and collected.

"I know," he agreed. He smoothed back his bangs, straightened his shirt, and put his hand on the doorknob. "I'll go first. You come back a few minutes later, maybe."

Seunghyun felt himself nod, numbly, and watched as Daesung made to open the door, then seemed to suddenly change his mind. He stepped sideways, put a hand on Seunghyun's shoulder, and kissed him just once, light and quick, on the cheek. A second later he escaped without a word, closing the door behind him.

Not running after him was the hardest thing Seunghyun had ever done.

~

Two days after drinking with Jiyong, Seunghyun still isn't convinced he's completely over his hangover, although he's at least keeping down solid food again. He decides to leave his villa for a while because it's depressing him; there are still plenty of old decorations and toys to give it some character, but it feels like being in a museum now, somewhere out of the past. If he does keep the place, he'll want some new furniture, so he leaves to do some casual browsing. If he doesn't keep it, at least he'll have gotten out for a few hours.

In the taxi on the way to his favorite shopping district, Seunghyun feels his phone vibrate and takes it out. Seungri is texting him, which is rare but makes Seunghyun glad, like they're getting a fresh start.

heard you and jiyong had a good reunion~ who are you going to see today?

Seunghyun snorts and keys back, smartass. no one, going shopping

what about daesung? is Seungri's next message.

Some of Seunghyun's warm amusement fades. It's becoming painfully obvious that everyone knew more about him and Daesung than Seunghyun ever gave them credit for, so he's less vague than usual in his reply, although it still takes him a while to work up the nerve to actually hit send.

i was a dick, okay? he wouldn't even want to see me.

Seungri is quick to shoot back, why, because you slept with that girl? that was like, a million years ago. anyway everyone knows he wants to see you

Seunghyun's stomach drops. It's one thing if the other members figured out a few details, but the idea that they knew this much is freaking him out. It never even occurred to him that maybe Daesung would have talked to them about it. The taxi reaches its destination while he's still struggling to formulate a response, so he decides not to send one at all, stuffing his phone back in his pocket as he digs out payment for the driver.

Daesung's face greets him as soon as he steps onto the curb, larger-than-life on several TV screens in a storefront window. It's a promotion for his latest tour, which, Seunghyun is reminded as he watches, starts in a couple hours at the Olympic Arena.

His phone buzzes again shortly thereafter, and Seunghyun mutters "Give it a rest, Seungri" before pulling it out to find Youngbae's name on the screen.

why do you think you were a dick, seunghyun? you know daesung has forgiven you. :( he misses you.

do you guys have some group email where you just swap gossip about me all the fucking time? Seunghyun angrily texts back, and then he turns off his phone, because enough is enough.

He stomps down the street toward the nearest Starbucks, abandoning shopping for some much-needed time to sit down and be pissed at his bandmates. Ordering the tallest latte available and sulking at a tiny corner table doesn't really help, though, because he still can't turn the memories off.

It's better this way, Seunghyun reminds himself. Acting on it—whatever it was—only ever made things worse, and anyway, it's been too long. The past is over and he's got to stop living in it, because nobody else is—certainly not Daesung.

"Excuse me . . . aren't you T.O.P.?"

Seunghyun looks up, surprised, not because he's particularly well-camouflaged today but because he's gotten used to not being recognized much anymore. There are two women standing next to his table, probably not a lot younger than he is, looking expectant.

"Yeah," Seunghyun says, trying to remember his old fan-smile.

The woman who first spoke covers her mouth with her hands and elbows her friend. "I knew it! I told you!"

Her friend looks stunned. "I'm sorry, I just thought—"

"We were both huge Big Bang fans," the first woman interrupts.

Seunghyun's smile spreads, a little more genuine. "Thanks."

"Could we maybe get a picture?" she asks. "Or an autograph?"

He's happy to oblige them, and an older man at the next table is willing to snap a picture with their phones. Neither of them has any paper, so Seunghyun signs two napkins, giving his autograph extra flourish just because they seem nice.

"I heard you weren't living in Seoul anymore," the friend says as Seunghyun hands her a napkin. "Are you in town for Daesung's concert?"

Seunghyun freezes in handing off the other napkin. The first woman doesn't seem to notice, though, taking it gratefully from his outstretched arm. "We're going there after this! See?" She flashes a small Daesung bracelet at him, definitely Big Bang-era, and grins.

"Yeah," Seunghyun says, startling himself. "I'm going tonight."

"Maybe we'll see you there!" The women laugh, embarrassed, and when Seunghyun doesn't reply, they politely thank him and leave. Seunghyun watches them go, then lets himself zone out, staring into his cup. He looks up at the wall clock thirty minutes later, surprised by the passage of time, then shakes himself out of his daze and turns his phone back on.

Three unread messages from Jiyong flash on his screen as soon as it's done rebooting.

have you decided to stop being a dumbass yet?

hello??

okay, i'm done being mr nice guy. man the fuck up, choi seunghyun, and go talk to him. he wants to see you. also, don't be a dick to youngbae and seungri, they're just trying to help.

They really do have a group fucking email, Seunghyun thinks, snorting despite the fact that he feels suddenly nervous, full of adrenaline, like he's about to do something dangerous.

you've never been a nice guy in your life, Seunghyun shoots back, unable to help himself. He knows he should leave it alone, but needs to ask, because it's been nagging at him: why hasn't daesung contacted me if he wants to see me so bad?

Jiyong is quick to reply, probably because he's been waiting on Seunghyun's text. because he's being a giant fucking baby too? i don't know, ask him yourself after you kiss and make up, but please just do it already because you've both been driving the rest of us nuts for years.

Seunghyun takes a deep breath. how do i get into the concert?

text me your address, i'm sending a van

He does, and then the reality of what he's about to do hits Seunghyun hard. He stands up so fast he trips on the table leg and knocks over his chair. After righting it, he swallows down the rest of his coffee, wishing it were something stronger, and tries not to knock over anything else on his way out. Once he's brought himself to a halt outside at the curb, Jiyong sends another text.

20 minutes. you'd better not back out now.

Seunghyun swallows, puts his phone away, and waits, rocking back and forth on his feet, until a black van pulls up beside him.

The ride passes in a fast, sweaty blur. He remembers the driver and manages to carry on some meaningless small talk in the beginning, but it's pretty obvious his head is elsewhere and soon they both fall silent, not speaking again until the stadium is in sight.

"Here you go," the driver says, pulling up to a back entrance Seunghyun remembers well. "We called ahead so they know to be expecting you, you shouldn't have any trouble getting in."

Seunghyun thanks him and steps out, heart beating fast in his throat. A glance at his phone tells him they're already several minutes into the concert, so he hurries, wiping his hands on his pants before knocking on the door. A security guard opens it and lets him in without a second glance.

"You know where to go?" the guard asks. Seunghyun nods and starts up the nearest flight of stairs, his eyes adjusting slowly to the dark.

The sound of cheering greets him when he opens the door at the top of the stairs. It's so deafening that for a brief, dumb moment he wonders if he's accidentally stepped onstage, but really it's just been so long since he was backstage at a concert he's forgotten what it's like. A few familiar and unfamiliar faces pass him as he stands stock-still in the hall, wondering where to go.

"Seunghyun?" One of the old coordi-noonas spots him and smiles, stepping over to pat his arm. "They said you might come but I didn't believe it!"

All Seunghyun can manage is a tight smile in return.

"He's just about to start the next song," she says, giving Seunghyun a little nudge toward backstage right. "Go!"

He walks like he's in a trance. A few other people hovering around the peripheries either nod in acknowledgement of him or, when they're too focused on the show and their jobs, don't. Seunghyun finds a spot with a decent view behind a shorter stagehand and plants himself. He'd be able to see better on one of the green room monitors, but he can't help but want to be here for this live, even if the angle means he's partially obstructed by curtains and screens.

The next song is a ballad—something newer that Seunghyun is familiar with, just like everyone else in Korea, but not as familiar as his Big Bang-era material. He can just see Daesung, a tiny white figure at the far end of stage left, walking slow in a spotlight and hitting every note spot-on. Seunghyun has never been very into ballads, but the way Daesung sings them he can understand the appeal. Fans are visibly wilting as he goes past, and Seunghyun closes his eyes, suddenly embarrassed. He feels like just another lovesick stranger in the audience.

"Costume change in one minute," one of the noonas to Seunghyun's right says quietly to another, who nods. Seunghyun steps aside to allow them easier access to a nearby wardrobe rack, and it's not until the song is over, the screaming deafening, that it occurs to him what exactly it means that he's standing right here right now.

The lights go out and Daesung is there before Seunghyun can duck away, two noonas jumping to help him shrug out of his jacket.

"Careful, I think it has a tear," Daesung says, wiping sweat from his eyes as they hurry to get him into his next outfit.

"Thirty seconds," one of the earpieces near Seunghyun informs them all, just as Daesung looks up and sees him.

They both go completely still, which makes one of the noonas exclaim, "Oppa, your boots!", but he's not paying her any attention.

"Seunghyun?" he says, eyes wide. He looks older than the last time Seunghyun saw him, but in a nice, mature sort of way, kind of like a professor or something if not for the idol clothes. His hair is dark, closer to his natural color than Seunghyun has seen in a while, and not too long. It suits him.

"Hey," Seunghyun says, not sure if he should smile or bolt.

Daesung decides for him, launching at Seunghyun and pulling him into a fierce, sweaty hug that splits Seunghyun's face into a grin.

"What are you doing here?" Daesung says, laughing, hugging him tighter. Seunghyun just buries his grin into Daesung's shoulder and clutches at his back like he'll never let go again.

"Daesung, you need to go!" One of the noonas grabs Daesung by the shoulder, but Seunghyun frowns and holds on tight, tempted to punch her even though she's a girl because he'll be damned if he's letting anyone take Daesung from him now.

But then Daesung peels himself away, cupping Seunghyun's face in his hands for just a second, looking at him like he's a ghost. "You're not leaving?" he says, dropping his hands and letting himself be pulled toward the stage. "You won't go before it's done?"

Seunghyun shakes his head, tries not to look like too much of an idiot with his dumb smile. "I'm not leaving," he says.

"Forget the boots, get him out there," someone hisses, and Daesung is whirled around and practically thrown onstage.

"No more distractions until the show's over," the noona who was so concerned about boots tells him, jabbing a stern finger in Seunghyun's face.

He nods, willing to agree to anything, lightheaded and giddy. He hadn't even realized until now just how worried he'd been that Daesung would take one look at him and tell him to get lost. It's like years of anxiety have flown right out the window, and suddenly he's more cheerful than he's been in as long as he can remember, free to stop worrying and enjoy the concert.

Daesung sings an old Big Bang song next, which is weird to hear performed as a solo piece but not bad. Seunghyun likes that he can sort of sing along, although he gets jumbled up at parts that are supposed to have a rap but have been changed. Then Daesung transitions into another old song—one of his solos this time—without a costume change, and Seunghyun has to wait, disappointed, until three entire songs later to see him again.

"It's weird, isn't it?" Daesung calls over his shoulder, as three people assist him in stripping down to his pants. "Hearing the Big Bang songs with just me?" He gets shushed by a noona trying to stuff his head through a shirt, but it only makes Daesung laugh.

"I was disappointed you didn't rap," Seunghyun says, laughing right back.

Daesung's onstage again moments later, and it's the last time they talk for the rest of the concert. Seunghyun feels impatient, as much as he's enjoying the show, eager to really start catching up now that he knows it's possible. By the time they get to the encore, he's bouncing in his shoes, craning all over the place to try and get a better view. He doesn't think he's ever clapped as hard in his life as when it's finally all over and Daesung is being herded, amidst high fives and congratulations, back toward where Seunghyun is standing.

"Nice job," Seunghyun says, handing Daesung a bottle of water he stole off a table.

Daesung accepts it gladly, sucking down half the bottle before replying. "Thanks." He's still fighting to catch his breath, but he doesn't stop smiling at Seunghyun the whole time, in a way that's so familiar Seunghyun has to pull him into another hug. This time it's more playful, full of hair-tousling, like in the old days.

"How come you're still so good, huh? If I tried to go out there again I'd probably pass out."

"That's cause you're old," Daesung says, laughing even as Seunghyun flicks his ear.

A cameraman spots them having a probably headline-worthy reunion and hurries over to start filming, which Seunghyun doesn't mind, exactly, but it does make him bristle, remembering himself. Daesung notices the way he goes tense and glances sideways at the approaching camera.

"Will you come over to my place for a while?" he asks, quickly and quietly, before the camera is close enough to pick anything up.

"What?" Seunghyun stops burying his fingers in Daesung's hair and pulls back to look at him.

"Come to my place," Daesung repeats. "I have to stick around here for a while but not too long—my manager can drive you, just—come? Please?"

There's nothing Seunghyun can do but nod.

Daesung lights up like a firework and then his attention is on the cameras, as easy and practiced as any seasoned idol.

"My hyung came to cheer me on," Daesung says happily, shaking Seunghyun back and forth without breaking their hug. "You're the best, Hyung!"

Seunghyun rubs Daesung's head and shakes him back, then has an awkward, less-practiced exchange with the camera, trying to dredge up something the fans will like but only really managing a few jumbled compliments about the performance. Soon enough, Daesung starts to get pulled away again, and the cameraman thanks them and leaves.

"Just wait right here," Daesung tells him, almost urgent, like he doesn't believe Seunghyun is as good as his word. "My manager will come get you in a minute, okay? Just don't move, and I'll see you soon."

"Okay." Seunghyun tries to look reassuring. "See you in a bit."

"Okay." Even as he goes, Daesung keeps looking over his shoulder, like he can't believe Seunghyun hasn't disappeared into thin air yet.

An hour later, Seunghyun is sitting alone on Daesung's oversized living room couch in his apartment, bouncing his leg and frantically wishing he could disappear after all.

"This was a bad idea," he mutters, getting up to peek out Daesung's eighteenth story window for the dozenth time, like he'd be able to see him from all the way up here anyway. All his confidence from before disappeared within minutes of finding himself here, Daesung's beaming face no longer around to distract him, and now he can only wonder what the hell he was thinking when he agreed to meet like this. He has no idea what he's going to say when they're actually alone together.

He doesn't get much more time to think about it, either; maybe half an hour after getting dropped off, Seunghyun hears Daesung's key in the door and jumps up from the couch, standing at attention like a guilty soldier.

Daesung pops his head in before even getting his key out of the lock, scanning past the kitchen to the living room and looking relieved to find Seunghyun there.

"You came!" he says, smiling one of his brightest smiles. Seunghyun's stomach twinges in painful fondness.

"I said I would," he says, like he wasn't just thinking about jumping out the window.

Daesung kicks off his shoes, hangs his keys on a rack by the door, and hurries over. Even bracing himself doesn't quite prepare Seunghyun for the impact, and he lets out a quiet Oof when Daesung hits his chest, wrapping him into yet another hug.

"I know," Daesung says. "I just wasn't sure." His tone is tender enough that Seunghyun gets a little nervous, resting his hands loosely on Daesung's back, wondering how much affection is too much, how far is too far.

Thankfully, Daesung steps back, breaking the silence before it can get too weighted. "Sorry it's so messy," he says.

"It's not that bad," Seunghyun says instinctively, although now that he mentions it Seunghyun starts to notice the papers strewn over every visible table and countertop, clothes tumbling out of the doorway to what must be the bedroom, a full bag of garbage waiting to be taken out by the front door.

"Do you want something to drink? Eat? Anything?"

Drinking too much is definitely a bad idea, but Seunghyun could use a little liquid courage right about now. "What do you have?"

"I know just the thing." Daesung heads to the kitchen, pausing and looking over his shoulder expectantly when Seunghyun stays rooted to the same spot. He takes the hint and follows. The apartment has a lot of open space, which Seunghyun likes, the living room and dining area flowing right into the kitchen, but it's obviously not as luxury as his own villa. Daesung never did care as much about that sort of thing.

"It was a present from Jiyong for my last album release," Daesung says, taking a bottle of expensive-looking wine off the counter and feeling through a drawer for an opener. "I've been saving it."

He finds the opener but then struggles to get it to work, until Seunghyun finally snorts and shoulders him aside, taking over the task.

"Still not a big drinker, I see," he says, trying to ease the awkwardness with a joke.

Daesung takes two glasses off a shelf and lines them up on the counter. "I'm in fact a very worldly drinker these days," he says. "That opener's just messed up."

"Uh huh."

He pours and they toast, clinking the glasses before drinking. Seunghyun wonders if he should be concerned about how quickly the wine helps, calming his nerves with the first swallow, like wrapping up in a warm blanket.

"I thought maybe you weren't going to come see me," Daesung says, fiddling with the cork on the counter, eyes downcast. "When I found out you'd been visiting everyone else."

Seunghyun swallows and inhales slowly. "I was just saving the best for last," he says.

That makes Daesung brighten up again. He laughs and abandons the cork. "Wanna sit down?"

At Seunghyun's nod, Daesung leads the way back to the couch. Just to be on the safe side, Seunghyun picks up the bottle of wine and brings it with them, setting it on the ottoman, which looks flat enough and sturdy. Daesung lifts an amused eyebrow but doesn't comment.

"You did a really good job tonight," Seunghyun says, after another drink.

Daesung laughs and rubs the back of his head. "I guess," he says. "I couldn't really concentrate after I saw you were there."

They both fall silent for a few uncomfortable moments; Daesung apparently realizes he went too far and takes a big mouthful of wine, and Seunghyun looks away, having just finished his.

"Hey," he says, struck by a memory and grasping for conversation, "remember the Love and Hope concert in Nagoya?"

"The one where those girls made that dirty sign about Seungri?" Daesung says, reading Seunghyun's mind. His easy smile is already returning.

"And he couldn't stop bragging about it, and then he—"

"—tried to find them after the show," Daesung supplies, before bursting into a fit of laughter that Seunghyun can't help but join in. They curl a little closer together on the couch, and it feels like old times without making Seunghyun immediately want to puke, which he takes as a good sign.

"Oh God, and then Youngbae freaked out because we couldn't find him, but it was just because Jiyong told him to go the wrong way and locked him in the green room!" Daesung can barely get it out before he's buckled over and wheezing, very nearly sloshing wine over the side of his glass in his amusement.

It's funnier now than Seunghyun remembered. Everything seems funnier when Daesung is laughing, the sound of it contagious, so Seunghyun wipes his eyes and keeps going. "What about the time Youngbae thought he had appendicitis?"

Daesung chokes on his wine, and Seunghyun has to pat him soundly on the back, although he can barely contain his own laughter long enough to do so. They go on making each other hysterical with memories until the wine is gone, and gradually Seunghyun forgets to be anxious. It's too easy to pick up right where they left off, especially by the time Daesung is shaking out the last drops from the bottle sadly.

"Do you want more?" he asks, giving Seunghyun a mischievous look.

"Have you even eaten yet?" Seunghyun asks, although yes, he really wants more.

Daesung pauses to think. "Good point. Delivery?"

Which is how they end up with several containers of stir-fry and rice and, courtesy of a quick stop to Family Mart, a new bottle of wine, a mere half an hour later. The venture outdoors is brief, but by the time they get back Seunghyun feels more clearheaded, the breath of fresh air having done him good. He's warm and at ease when they settle in on the couch again, and Daesung pours wine and starts to dish out food onto a pair of plates.

"How long are you gonna be in Seoul, Hyung?" Daesung asks out of nowhere, flipping Seunghyun's ease upside-down.

Seunghyun takes longer than necessary to swallow his mouthful of wine, frowning as he searches for the right answer. "I don't know," he admits at last. He knows he should say more, but it's all too jumbled on his tongue, so he just looks at Daesung helplessly.

"I was just thinking," Daesung says, lifting his chopsticks, "that it'd be nice to see you more. You know. If you're around."

"Yeah," Seunghyun agrees, head pounding. "No, I'd—like that, too."

The look Daesung gives him is warm, but not, Seunghyun notices, very hopeful. He's probably gotten used to being disappointed.

"I mean," Seunghyun stammers, sick with guilt, "I am thinking about it. Moving in again, maybe . . . maybe working with Jiyong." He glances sideways and Daesung is staring like he can't believe his ears, so Seunghyun goes on, feeling his face heat. "He said they need some help producing, and maybe, I don't know . . . I'm sort of sick of traveling."

Neither of them has taken a bite of food yet, so Seunghyun is confused when Daesung lowers his chopsticks and sets his plate on the ottoman.

"Daesung?" Seunghyun asks, worried he's said something wrong.

For the third time that day, Seunghyun is almost knocked over by Daesung's hug, which hits him so hard he can only struggle to balance his plate in one hand and pat Daesung's back with the other, laughing weakly.

"I'm not sure of anything yet," he's quick to remind Daesung, but he still nuzzles in close to his neck. "I haven't even talked to YG."

"Please don't go again," Daesung says. It's quiet, almost lost against Seunghyun's shoulder, but there's no mistaking the words, and his fingers tighten in the back of Seunghyun's shirt in a way that feels sort of sad.

Seunghyun closes his eyes and grimaces, hating himself. "I'm sorry," he says. "For everything."

Daesung just shakes his head. Neither of them moves for what feels like forever—the food is probably cold by the time they pry apart, laughing shakily, the change in the air undeniable. Food is the only subject Seunghyun can grasp at from there so he does, desperately, afraid of what might happen if the silence lasts too long.

"What's this, exactly?" he asks, holding his dinner up to his face to look at it closely. It's pretty brown and unidentifiable.

"Oh, you know." Daesung waves a hand vaguely. "Shrimp something."

Seunghyun starts to laugh, which distracts him at first from realizing what Daesung is doing when he gently lifts Seunghyun's plate out of his hands and sets it aside. There's no mistaking what it means, however, when he pulls Seunghyun in by the shoulders and kisses him.

Despite the fact that he can feel his hands trembling, Seunghyun grabs Daesung's bicep and holds on, twisting to meet him. Daesung lets himself be pushed back against the couch, and what was at first a fairly cautious kiss quickly turns into making out, open mouths and tongues and teeth. Seunghyun feels like he's pushing too hard but he's helpless to stop, moaning when Daesung slips a hand around the back of his head and pulls him closer, until Seunghyun is half in his lap.

"I've missed you," Daesung says, once Seunghyun breaks the kiss to mouth at his jaw.

"I've missed you more than anything," Seunghyun mutters, hoping his words are muffled because they're too honest, too embarrassing.

Daesung sighs to hear it, though, craning his head back for easier access as Seunghyun moves on to his collarbone.

"I'm sorry I didn't try to contact you," Daesung goes on, curling fingers into Seunghyun's scalp. "I knew you were around, I just—"

"It's fine. I was being an idiot." Seunghyun's not sure why Daesung seems so intent on talking, but he wants to distract him, to save that stuff for later. This already feels way too fragile, like one wrong move will make everything come crashing down around their heads.

Luckily, a well-placed bite to the hollow of Daesung's neck seems to do the trick. His breath catches and he shifts his hips, hard-on pressing against Seunghyun's thigh. Seunghyun's experience with men is strictly limited to what he's done with Daesung, but he feels oddly confident when he drops a hand to Daesung's crotch and grabs, rubbing in insistent circles.

At that exact moment, right when Daesung gasps and presses his forehead to Seunghyun's shoulder, someone's phone vibrates.

Daesung jumps and their heads knock. "Sorry," he says, breathless, laughing a little. He fishes his phone out of his back pocket and presses the top button to turn it off. "I've told Manager not to text me late."

He glances up to give Seunghyun a smile, but it falters when their eyes meet. Seunghyun feels like a spell has been broken; he backs off of Daesung's lap and leans against the couch cushions, scrubbing his face with his hands, heart pounding.

"Fuck," he says.

"Seunghyun?" Daesung touches his shoulder but Seunghyun doesn't move. "I'm sorry . . . I turned it off. . . ."

"We can't, Daesung," Seunghyun says, knowingly echoing himself from years before. He peeks through his fingers to see Daesung looking first hurt, then just confused and angry.

"What—why?" he demands. "God, Seunghyun, how many times do we have to get this far?"

"You still have a career," Seunghyun says, wondering if he sounds half as crazy as he feels. "There's no way—it'll never work."

Daesung's expression goes from mad to furious, and he pushes away from the cushions and gets to his feet. "Are you seriously still that scared?" he says, whirling on Seunghyun, towering over him. "God, it's not even your career you have to worry about anymore."

Seunghyun wants to be offended, but he knows he doesn't have the right. He frowns at his lap and doesn't say anything.

"Do you know how long I waited around hoping you'd grow up?" Daesung goes on, obviously gaining momentum, probably running on material he's been saving up for years. "Do you know how hard it was watching you do the playboy act all the time?"

"It wasn't all me," Seunghyun says. He can practically hear the pout in his own voice and he hates it, but taking criticism, even hard-earned, isn't Seunghyun's strong point. "You said it was too risky, too. And I never said you had to wait for me. You could've dated other people."

"I did date other people," Daesung says, and the way Seunghyun's eyes go wide must look pretty pitiful, because some of the anger seems to leave the hard line of Daesung's shoulders. "I just didn't rub it in your face."

Seunghyun tries valiantly not to look too dumbstruck, but he knows he's visibly shaken. "Oh," he says. For a few seconds, neither of them speaks. Then, because he can't help it, he asks, "Who?"

"It doesn't matter." Daesung sighs, unfolding his arms, and takes a seat next to Seunghyun on the couch again, leaving a few inches of space between their thighs. "But if you didn't know, that tells you nobody else did either. And my career didn't burn to the ground."

Nothing gives Seunghyun the right to be hurt, but he feels absolutely gutted. "Oh," he says again. He can't help it when he starts to chew on his thumb, mentally flipping through everyone he's ever seen Daesung interact with in the past ten years, trying to figure out how he missed something so momentous.

"Hyung," Daesung says, a little more gently, taking Seunghyun's hands away from his face. "It's not the same as it was back then. People don't care about my personal life anymore." Seunghyun nods to show he's listening, but really he's still obsessing—Jiyong must have known, why didn't he say anything? Was it that back-up dancer Daesung always complimented on his timing?

"Anyway," Daesung continues, "I've been thinking about retiring." Seunghyun jerks his head up, distracted at last, ready to argue—this is exactly the kind of thing he was worried about—but Daesung silences him with a look. "And it's my decision, okay? Let me make it."

"You shouldn't retire," Seunghyun says, mouth dry.

"Maybe I won't right away. I'm just getting kind of tired." He squeezes Seunghyun's hands. "I've been doing this for a long time. I know what's at stake. But I also know what I want."

Seunghyun wets his lips. He can feel the way his brows are knitted together, tight with worry, and it's hard making eye contact with Daesung right now, but he knows he can't look away.

"What if—" Seunghyun starts.

Daesung interrupts him. "Please," he says. "Don't write us off before we even get a chance to try, please?"

Seunghyun can count the number of heartbeats that pass—two, four, ten—before he finally comes to life and moves, dragging Daesung in by the hands, cupping his jaw and kissing him hard. Daesung melts into it, resting one hand on Seunghyun's stomach and one on the side of his face, and Seunghyun lets himself fall back, flat on the cushions, Daesung crawling on top of him.

"It's about time," Daesung sighs into his mouth. Seunghyun bites his lip.

That earns him a hiss and a roll of Daesung's hips, and soon they're grinding against each other, hot and urgent and dredging up more memories. Then Daesung unbuttons Seunghyun's jeans, slips a hand into his underwear, and grabs his dick, and Seunghyun reminds himself that this time is different.

"Ah—" Seunghyun shivers, propping up onto to his elbows and closing his eyes as Daesung shushes him and starts to stroke. He can't believe it already feels this good, four seconds into a hand job, like he's a teenager doing this for the first time. Daesung's mouth on his ear makes it even better, nipping at the lobe as he starts to pump faster, and Seunghyun groans and digs his fingers into the couch.

When Daesung stops abruptly, it's all Seunghyun can do not to cry out.

"Bedroom," Daesung says by way of explanation, taking his hand out of Seunghyun's pants.

There's no arguing with that. They stand, Seunghyun almost tripping over himself in his eagerness to follow, which at least makes Daesung laugh. He pulls Seunghyun by the hem of the shirt and walks backward toward his room, kissing as he goes. Seunghyun drops his hands to Daesung's waist and kisses back. It's a staggering, awkward journey, occasionally interrupted by tripping over laundry or falling against a wall to make out, but it feels hard-earned when they finally get there.

Daesung drops to a seat at the edge of the bed, unmade but big and inviting, and before Seunghyun has a chance to join him, he takes Seunghyun by the hips and guides him forward. He tugs at Seunghyun's belt loops, dragging still-unbuttoned jeans down just enough that the bulge in his underwear is exposed. Seunghyun feels the pit of his stomach drop when Daesung starts to mouth his dick through the fabric.

"Fuck, Daesung," Seunghyun grits out. Daesung's fingers are kneading his ass as he pulls his underwear down, and the image of his lips wrapping around Seunghyun's cock is hotter than any fantasy he's ever had about this moment. He's had a few.

Judging by his eagerness, Daesung might have had a few as well. He doesn't waste any time now, wrapping fingers around the base of Seunghyun's cock like it's nothing and finding a good rhythm, sucking and jerking him off tight and fast. Seunghyun is usually better about not moving but he can't help thrusting into it, grateful when Daesung seems unfazed.

It's taken them years to arrive at this point, but it still feels like too much too soon. Seunghyun's legs are trembling with the effort to stand and he can tell he's on the edge already, embarrassingly close, but the last thing he wants is to ask Daesung to stop and wait. They've been waiting since the day they met and Seunghyun's had enough, so instead of using words he tightens fingers in Daesung's hair, the only feeble warning he can manage.

In response, Daesung slides his free hand up from Seunghyun's ass to his lower back and sucks harder, and Seunghyun's glad for the extra support when he comes, because his knees buckle and he collapses forward.

"Fuck," he says again. Daesung swallows and then scoots back on the bed, making room, drawing Seunghyun in for a breathless, messy kiss.

"Off," Daesung says, pressing his mouth to Seunghyun's jaw and pulling at his sweaty shirt. Seunghyun feels vaguely delirious but knows better than to disobey, yanking his shirt over his head and tossing it aside. He's put on a little weight since disbandment, but it's too late to get self-conscious, and anyway, Daesung doesn't seem too put-off by it.

"You too," Seunghyun urges. He kicks his pants and underwear off the rest of the way and watches intently as Daesung strips, almost unable to believe he's allowed to stare as much as he wants.

When they're both naked, Seunghyun has to pause, sucking in a breath and running his hand down Daesung's chest and stomach, which are just as toned as he remembers. Daesung's eyes flutter closed and his skin twitches under Seunghyun's touch, but it's only a few seconds before he starts to get impatient.

"Seunghyun," Daesung begs, catching his wrist.

That draws Seunghyun's attention downward, to where Daesung is still hard and obviously dying to be touched. He flattens his palm on Daesung's chest—Daesung lets go of his wrist, falling back on the bed readily—and leans over him, sucking a bruise into the side of his neck and taking hold of his dick.

Immediately, Daesung's hips jerk forward and he swears, covering his eyes with an arm. "Hyung," he says, voice raspy in a way that makes Seunghyun feel dizzy. "Move, please move—"

Seunghyun does. He could have guessed that Daesung would be loud, but it's sexier than he expected when he starts pumping and Daesung starts moaning, gasping with every twist of Seunghyun's wrist, biting his lip when Seunghyun swipes his thumb across the head. Thinking about sucking another guy off has always intimidated Seunghyun a little, but it feels so easy now, with Daesung writhing and encouraging him, to slide lower and drag his tongue carefully along the underside of his cock.

Daesung's whole body shudders and suddenly both his hands are in Seunghyun's hair, pulling.

"Fuck, Hyung," he says. Seunghyun wants to tell him to drop the formality, but it's pretty hot, so he stays quiet. Instead, he tries taking Daesung all the way in his mouth, and is rewarded with a new string of curses when he slowly bobs his head.

The rhythm is definitely hard to get down at first, and Seunghyun is embarrassed, not used to being awkward and inexperienced in sex. He hopes Daesung isn't faking any of the sounds he makes while Seunghyun experiments, finally deciding Daesung had the right idea and settling on a combination of hand and mouth to get the right suction. The sound of spit and come on skin is completely filthy and Seunghyun likes it, surprised at how much he's getting off doing this—but then again, maybe that's what happens after waiting this long to actually have sex with someone, after obsessing over the idea of a person for what feels like a lifetime.

And there's no faking the way Daesung's thighs tense, after no longer than Seunghyun made it, and he hisses a warning that Seunghyun has to decide whether or not to heed in a split second. He gives it a try in the end, swallowing inexpertly, just managing not to gag. It doesn't taste bad, exactly, but it's weird.

Then Daesung's hands are groping for him, dragging him up and in for another kiss, and Seunghyun doesn't feel self-conscious anymore. He sucks at Daesung's lower lip, feels Daesung's breathing start to slow against his mouth, and relaxes. For what might be the first time in years, Seunghyun really relaxes, all the anxiety bleeding out of him. Daesung starts to stroke the hair at the base of his neck and Seunghyun breaks the kiss to press their foreheads together.

"I hope this isn't how your reunions with everybody ended," Daesung says after a little while, making Seunghyun choke out a laugh.

"Only you," he says, lacking the energy even to joke, and then he lets himself give in to sleep, because there's nothing left to worry about.

~

Seunghyun wakes up the next morning confused, unable to remember at first where he is or how he got there. When he sees Daesung dead asleep and naked in bed next to him, his first instinct is to panic, but memories of the night before wash over him slowly, along with the realization that there isn't anything to be afraid of. He lets his head fall back against the pillow and waits for a wave of anxiety that never comes. The only emotion he can identify right now is giddy excitement.

For a while he just lies there, drifting in and out of sleep, listening to the sound of Daesung breathing. Then he hears, distantly, from somewhere on the floor, the vibration of his phone. He considers ignoring it, but curiosity eventually gets the better of him. Carefully, without waking Daesung, he slips out of bed, fishing his phone out of the pocket of his pants. Then, because he figures Daesung might have a few obligations he's supposed to be at this morning, he goes into the living room and grabs his phone, too.

He snorts at the sight of their completely forgotten dinner before returning to the bedroom and turning Daesung's phone on. As he suspected, there's a slew of missed calls, mostly from Manager, but after a glimpse of Daesung's peaceful face, Seunghyun decides they can wait a little longer and checks his own. He has just two messages, the most recent from Jiyong.

YOU DOG. i knew you had it in you ;)

Seunghyun sits down again and gapes at the screen, trying to figure out just how the hell Jiyong seems to actually know everything all the time. While he's working on that, he checks his other message, this one from Seungri.

when are you coming for dinner? you can bring daesung~

He's too embarrassed to respond right away, trying to ignore the hot flush rising up his neck by rubbing the bridge of his nose. Finally, curiosity again wins over and he types to Jiyong,

are you having me followed??

To Seungri, he's less accusatory, simply because he'd bet money Jiyong was the one who told him.

brat. He feels emboldened enough to end with, i'll ask daesung about his schedule and let you know.

Then, smiling to himself, he lies back down and pulls up the covers.

"What's so funny?"

Daesung's voice startles Seunghyun, enough that he drops his phone rather than setting it nicely on the bedside table, but he recovers fast.

"You talk in your sleep," Seunghyun lies, rolling over so they're face-to-face. Daesung's hair is a mess and his eyes are barely open, but he's smiling in a way that probably mirrors Seunghyun's expression nicely. "You told me all sorts of embarrassing stuff."

"Aish, I did not," Daesung says, smacking Seunghyun on the shoulder. Seunghyun catches his hand and pulls him in, which Daesung allows without resistance, immediately burying his face against Seunghyun's shoulder and pressing a kiss there.

Seunghyun presses his own mouth to the top of Daesung's head. "Really embarrassing," he says. "I'm gonna make a lot of money selling this stuff to the tabloids."

Daesung snorts but wraps an arm around Seunghyun and hugs him closer, and Seunghyun is just starting to wonder what the best way to initiate morning sex might be when his phone buzzes again.

"Who's that?" Daesung asks.

"Probably Jiyong," Seunghyun says, muffled into Daesung's hair. Daesung lifts his head.

"Jiyong? What does he have to say?"

Because Daesung seems so interested, Seunghyun gropes behind him for his phone.

"He says," Seunghyun reads once he's found it, "'No, but Youngbae told me Daesung missed his session this morning.'"

"Oh shit." Daesung groans and sits up, rubbing his face blearily. "He's gonna make me do extra chin-ups all week."

It's so absurd, thinking of Youngbae actually getting to order Daesung around in a gym, that Seunghyun barks out a laugh. Daesung glares.

"Sorry." Seunghyun covers his mouth but continues to snicker, until Daesung gets fed up and shoves him over. He's happy to let himself fall, especially once Daesung leans over and starts to nip at his neck.

"Do you have a lot of work stuff to do today?" Seunghyun asks, sucking in a sharp breath when Daesung bites harder, maybe as punishment for bringing it up.

"Mm," Daesung mumbles against his skin. "Kind of."

Seunghyun means to follow up on that but loses his train of thought briefly as Daesung slides a hand down his chest and over his stomach, stopping to rub teasingly at his hipbone.

"You, ah—" Seunghyun hisses when Daesung's thigh presses in between his legs, wondering what the hell is wrong with him that he keeps trying to be responsible right now, "—you had a few missed calls—from your manager. . . ."

Daesung goes still, heaving a weary sigh before rolling off of Seunghyun and scowling at him.

"I just don't want to get you in trouble," Seunghyun says, already regretting it, itching for contact again.

"I guess that's noble of you." Daesung rolls his eyes, but he's smiling now. He reaches for Seunghyun's hand and threads their fingers together. "I can probably be home by eleven or so tonight, if you wanna wait for me."

The way Seunghyun's chest tightens up at the mere idea of being home to greet Daesung after work can't be good. He tries to keep from smiling too stupidly when he says, "I'm probably gonna go out for a while today, but I can come back."

"What are you gonna do?" Daesung asks.

Seunghyun shrugs, wondering how to say this without making it into too big of a deal. "I was thinking maybe I'd go talk to YG about some producing stuff."

If Daesung's resulting grin is anything to go by, Seunghyun didn't do a very good job of downplaying the news. "Okay," Daesung says, leaning forward to kiss Seunghyun quick on the lips. "You wanna ride with me to the studios?"

"Is that a good idea?" Seunghyun knows sleeping over at Daesung's after a late night doesn't necessarily need to be suspicious, but if it becomes a regular thing—

"I told you," Daesung says sternly, cutting that train of thought off before it can get very far. "Nobody cares about my personal life anymore. Least of all my manager."

He's done more than enough worrying for one week, so Seunghyun lets that be enough. "Okay," he says.

Daesung grins and kisses him again, slower this time, drawing it out until they're both breathing harder and Seunghyun is foggy with lust. Of course, just as he slides a hand down to Daesung's ass, Daesung rolls away and climbs out of bed.

"I need to shower," he says, laughing at the look on Seunghyun's face, which is probably pretty pathetic. "You could use one, too," he adds, lifting an eyebrow.

Seunghyun scrambles out of bed so fast his feet get tangled in the sheets. He nearly faceplants, but Daesung is there to catch him, laughing harder as he helps him find his footing.

"You're such an idiot," he says fondly.

"I know," Seunghyun says, but walking to the shower pressed close to Daesung, eagerly anticipating the day ahead, he privately thinks this is the smartest he's felt in a long time.