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“Brandon,” Addam said from the doorway of the gym. Brand had known he’d been there for a while, watching him, before he decided to speak up. He wanted to blame it on the companion training, but he knew this awareness of Addam’s presence went beyond a simple awareness of his surroundings.
“Saint-Nicholas,” Brand shot back in greeting, wary of the serious note he hears in the other man’s voice. He does another rep with the weights in his hands, and then—
“What does a companion bond feel like?”
Fuck. So they weren’t just going to keep ignoring it, then. Brand set down his free weights and turned to Addam in the doorway, knowing this was likely going to become a longer conversation.
“It’s not a companion bond, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said, wiping his hands on a nearby rag and then sweeping it across the back of his neck.
Addam’s burgundy eyes widened, and he stepped into the room, pulling the door closed behind him. Brand tried not to read into that. “You do feel it.” The scion phrased this less like an accusation and more like relief, which made Brand’s stomach do a little jump that he pointedly did not choose to examine.
“Yeah, I feel it, but it’s nothing like a companion bond. Even at the beginning stages, when Rune and I were young, our bond didn’t feel quite the same as… whatever this is.” Addam nodded, looking thoughtful as he gazed across the gym at Brand.
Seeming to resign himself to something, Addam took a breath and then asked, matter of fact, “And what is this?”
Brand’s stomach, the stupid traitor, gave another little flip. He mentally shook himself. This was not the time to let his emotions, whatever they may be, drive his decisions for him.
“Frankly, I don’t know. It’s not a companion bond, I’m sure of that. The only other relationships that get bonds are, well…” he cleared his throat. This shouldn’t be hard. Why was this hard?
“Tallas,” Addam finished for him. Brand didn’t like the way he said it. Soft, and revelatory like what he’d just said was a confession. He looked down, absentmindedly using the rag he hadn’t put down to wipe the bench underneath him and stealing himself for what he had to say next. As much as some part of him didn’t want to, it had to be said.
“But we’re not,” he stated, without looking up at Addam. He tried to hide his grimace as he continued, “We can’t be, because you and Rune are… and we’re not…” he forced himself to breathe, “I think I’m likely just getting the aftereffects of whatever bond you have with Rune, and it’s seeping through my bond with him.
Addam was moving, and then suddenly he was sitting on the other side of the bench from Brand. “No,” Addam said, firmly, with a shake of his head.
Brand mentally reeled for a moment, confused. Some of the bewilderment must show on his face, because before he can voice the question on the tip of his tongue, Addam is speaking.
“I don’t have a bond with Rune, not like this. Obviously, I love him, but there isn’t any of this,” Addam tugged on the bond between them, harder and more intentional than anything Brand has felt from it yet. Brand almost gasped, partly from the feeling, and if he’s being honest with himself, partly from the truth he feels in Addam’s words.
“What? But that’s not…. that would mean….and we’re not…” Brand felt unmoored. His breath was coming faster and his heartbeat quickening, readying him in anticipation of something he couldn’t name.
Addam, oblivious to his panic, or maybe continuing despite it, said, “I don’t know where he is right now. I mean—” he held up a hand to stave off Brand’s interjection, “I assume he’s still asleep in bed, where I left him, but I’ve known where you were from the moment I woke up this morning. At any given moment, if I want to, I can feel you. Where you are, how you are. All of it.”
Brand felt like he was dying. Where was his training? He had countless hours of experience teaching his body how to separate emotions from action, how to not let what he was feeling impact what he did. He was supposed to be able to control himself in dangerous situations.
And yet…
The soft, squishy part of his brain that he didn’t let out of its carefully crafted box very often whispered that this was Addam. Addam who would never intentionally hurt Rune, hurt him. Addam who was literally a knight, who never did anything but with the best of intentions, not when it was someone he cared about. This conversation might be a lot, but it wasn’t dangerous. Nothing about Addam was dangerous.
For once, Brand decided to listen to that voice, and he took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart, and looked up into Addam’s bright, burgundy eyes. He wasn’t sure if he could feel Addam’s emotions across their bond, or if he had simply learned the other man’s expressions over the last year, but what he felt meeting Addam’s eyes was nothing but awe, and affection, and hope. Addam had never been shy about showing his emotions, it was something Brand admired about him. He was so open, so earnest, and so unafraid of the vulnerability that accompanied wearing his heart on his sleeve. As they looked at each other, Brand could see telltale moisture gathering in the corners of those eyes and could feel the matching burn at the back of his.
Brand took a breath (not a sniffle, thank you very much), and tried to make his voice work. “You don’t have a bond with Rune.” He stated, confirming he had understood what Addam was saying. Addam shook his head, seemingly holding his breath.
“And we do.” Addam’s lips quirked up at that, seemingly involuntarily, as he gave the slightest of nods.
“And it’s not a companion bond,” Addam added, voice barely above a whisper. Brand shook his head once in confirmation.
“So that means… that we’re…” Brand couldn’t bring himself to say it. Couldn’t put the thought to words for fear of breaking it, somehow. Fear of banishing the truth of it once it was out there.
Addam, it seemed, had no such concern. “Tallas,” he said in that reverent whisper, a smile beginning at his eyes, which Brand couldn’t look away from.
Suddenly, he was clinging to Addam, his face pressed into the taller man’s neck and his arms wrapped fiercely around his torso. His eyes were squeezed shut against the tears now leaking freely, and every sharp inhale came with the familiar, grounding scent of sandalwood, of Addam.
Brand must have been the one to initiate, because in his peripheral awareness he felt Addam’s surprise and then immediate, enthusiastic acceptance of the embrace as he wrapped his arms around Brand’s shoulders and buried his face in the shorter man’s hair. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity but was probably minutes. Addam moved first, withdrawing slightly and moving his arms from Brand’s back to his shoulders. Brand dropped his arms into his lap as he leaned away, sniffing slightly before raising his head. Addam’s hand moved from his shoulder slowly, projecting his movement with plenty of time for Brand to pull away, before gently on the side of Brand’s face.
It was too much. Brand squeezed his eyes shut and had to bite the inside of his cheek as Addam’s thumb swept tears out from under his eyes. This was all so delicate, so gentle, and he didn’t know how to handle it. He wasn’t used to gentle. It didn’t feel like something he could have, not anymore. But it was hard to think about flinching away from something that felt, through their bond and in his bones, so very, very right.
“Brandon,” Addam said, voice just as quiet as before, but this time carrying an undertone of purpose, of concern. Brand hiccupped a little laugh, marveling at how his name could seem to mean so much.
“You know, you’re the only one who I don’t mind calling me that?” He brought a hand up and wiped his nose before finally looking up to meet Addam’s eyes. He looked so earnest, so focused, like the only thing that matters right now is them, is this, is Brand.
“Brandon,” he said again, this time with just the barest edge of teasing in his voice, acknowledging the admission and yet undeterred from his purpose.
He wants to say something to break the syrup-thick tension in the air around them. Wants to tell him to fuck off, or make a joke, or to get him to swear not to tell Rune that he cried. But when he thinks about Rune, about what Addam means to Rune, what he means to himself, he can’t bring himself to do it. This moment, this conversation, deserves his attention. He can do that, at least. “Yeah?”
“I want, that is,” Addam suddenly looked uncertain, like he didn’t know how to go about asking whatever it is he was trying to say. Brand tried to make an encouraging sound, not trusting his words, and it must have broken whatever stalemate had occurred in Addam’s head, because he continued. “I know there are many kinds of tallas, and I just wanted to… clarify,” he said this like he was about to say another word, and thought better of it, “what it is you want, from this. From me.”
Of course. He was so foolish. Not all tallas were romantic, of course not. Just because they had acknowledged that they were important to one another, cosmically, didn’t mean that Addam reciprocated everything Brand had been trying not to acknowledge in his own heart for months. He had leaped to conclusions, so desperate for the validation of Addam’s affection that he hadn’t even considered that the other man didn’t feel the same. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Brand began to pull away from the hand on his face and the other on his shoulder, leaning away on the bench and out of Addam’s space. Addam’s eyes widened in surprise, but he let him go. Brand must have been imagining the edge of disappointment he thought he saw, or felt? This new bond was finicky, and he hadn’t learned the shape of it yet. It was nothing like his bond with Rune which by now was as old and familiar as the limbs of his body. He realized too late that if he was getting echoes of emotions from Addam, then that meant that Addam was getting echoes of emotions from him. He had been so focused on keeping his panic and elation and everything else he’d felt since Addam walked through the door out of the companion bond, that he’d somehow lost track of what he was sending across the other, newer one.
“Brandon, I’m not. This isn’t,” Addam paused and took a breath, “Maybe, I shall start?” Those burgundy eyes were looking at him with timid hope, and he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t say yes either, so he just nodded. Once Addam’s intentions were out on the table, maybe he could find a way to spin his previous reaction into something decidedly less than what it had been.
“Brandon…,” Addam paused, and seemed to cast about for a moment before holding out his hand. Before he’d realized what he was doing, Brand was reaching towards him, reestablishing a portion of the contact they’d had before he’d pulled away. He tried very hard not to read too much into the fact that Addam wanted to touch him. Addam was a touchy guy, it didn’t mean what Brand wanted it to mean.
With his point of contact established, Addam added his sigil hand to the embrace and held Brand’s hand in both of his, looking intently down and decidedly not at Brand. That was fine, probably better to avoid eye contact for…whatever this was about to be. Rejection, probably.
“I love Rune.” Of course. Brand knew that, he knew that. And he would never forgive himself if he came between Rune and the best thing that had happened to him in years. Addam’s place in their lives was firmly established, Brand had no right to suggest changing it.
“I am going to tell you the same thing I told him. We are a people who share our love. I have understood from the very beginning that in choosing Rune, in choosing this family, I was also choosing you. But that’s not enough for me, Brandon. You are more than just a consequence. You are more to me than the companion of the man I love. You are already poised to be in my life for the foreseeable future, but, if you’re amenable, I would like to pursue something else. Something of a more… romantic persuasion. If you’d consent, of course.”
Brand couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. He couldn’t begin to process what the other man had just said, because here was Addam, in front of him, holding his hand, proposing everything Brand had wanted for so long like it was easy, like it was simple, like he could just have this, if he wanted. And that was so against everything Brand had come to accept. So alarmingly simple that it just didn’t compute. So instead of getting lost in those words, he latched onto the ones that had made sense, and in this moment where it felt like everything hung in the balance, all he could find to say is, “You’ve talked to Rune about this?”
He doesn’t mean to make it sound like an accusation, but the words come out harsher than he intends. Addam, a man with infinite patience, more than Brand deserves, doesn’t even flinch at the fact that Brand didn’t answer. He takes the other man’s reaction in stride, and simply nods, saying “Yes. Not in as much detail as I will need to, as we will need to, if you agree, but enough to know that it will not cause him any distress for me to ask.”
No, this isn’t real. This can’t be happening. Not only does Addam want him, but Rune is okay with it? He’s being brain-fucked. That’s the simplest solution. Someone cast something on him that’s playing out his fantasies in hyperreality and he’ll come out of it any minute now.
Except…
Except Brand knows what that feels like, and this wasn’t that. This was real, palpably so. The feeling of Addam’s hands, warm flesh and cool metal pressed against his, the smell of Adam’s cologne under the smell of the gym, and the feeling of the bench underneath them. The pounding of his heart and the ringing in his ears. This was all real. Which meant what Addam has said must be real too, because if he knew anything about Addam, it’s that he’d sacrifice himself for Rune’s happiness, just as he knows Brand would. Which means that if Addam was sitting here, in front of him, telling him he wants this, it must mean that Rune is okay with it.
And if Rune’s okay with it, and Addam’s okay with it, then everything Brand has been telling himself to keep his feelings in check is suddenly just gone. His carefully built walls evaporated upon this realization, and suddenly he was feeling everything he hadn’t let himself feel for months. How much he cared about this man in front of him, not just as a fellow protector of his scion, but as himself. And how much he wanted to be with Addam, wanted to touch him, wanted to hold him, wanted to kiss him, and has for so long.
And then that voice, that stupid, annoying, sweet little voice that Brand is suddenly so thankful for whispered you can in his mind. Before he made the conscious choice, he was leaning forward, reaching out, his hand released from Addam’s in favor of the other man’s arms wrapping around his waist as he had just enough time to see Addam’s brilliant smile beginning to form before he pressed his lips to Addam’s, closing his eyes and just finally, finally letting himself have and feel and do everything he’s been holding at bay.
Brand may have miscalculated as his surge of momentum to connect their mouths carried the rest of his body with him, and now he realized that he was more or less in Addams lap, leaning up and over him in his haste to get here, to this. Addam didn’t seem to mind. Brand felt his hands on his hips, squeezing gently and encouragingly even as his smile was preventing Brand from kissing him properly. But he didn’t care. How could he care? This was perfect; as awkward and messy and imperfect as it was, he wouldn’t trade it for the world.
After a few fumbling moments he pulled back, but he didn’t move very far as he pressed his forehead to Addam’s, breathing shakily and not opening his eyes quite yet, wanting to savor this moment. He felt more than heard Addam’s small huff of laughter that precedes his quiet, “So, am I to take that as a yes, Brandon?”
Brand can’t help the small laugh that escaped him in turn. “Yes, Saint-Nicholas. Yes, I want… that. With you.”
Addam leaned in to peck him on the lips quickly before leaning away just enough to say, “I am glad to hear it, talla,” and then it’s all over. Brand made a sort of growling noise as he leaned forward again, taking Addam’s mouth in his with far more intent and heat than the previous time, and Addam responds in kind, opening his mouth for Brand and yielding all control as Brand winds his hands into his hair and leans more intentionally over him, settling into his lap fully. Brand lost himself for a few moments to the feel of Addam’s mouth, of tongue and teeth and hands on hips, before the unintentional movement of said hips against Addam caused the other man to make a rather obscene noise and inhale sharply.
It takes more willpower than Brand would care to admit to pull away, moving his hands to Addam’s shoulders and leaning far enough back that he’s not rubbing anything too damning against Addam’s torso. He gave them both a second to catch their breath, before meeting Addam’s eyes. “Before we get carried away, I think we need to talk to Rune.”
Addam sighed good-naturedly, saying “Yes, I’m sure you’re right. Shall we go find our boy?”
Brand had to take a moment to recover from Addam referring to Rune as theirs, but he managed to extricate himself from Addam and stand, offering the other man a hand.
Once Addam is vertical, Brand went to take his hand back but was stopped by Addam’s grasp tightening on his. Brand looked up into Addam’s eyes, a question on his tongue, before he is stopped short by Addam lifting his hand to his lips and pressing a feather-soft kiss to his knuckle. Brand flushed, unable to control the furnace-like heat he can feel spreading from the tips of his ears down his chest in a matter of seconds.
“Brandon,” Addam said against his knuckles where his mouth still rested, and then he moved to the next knuckle, bestowing a kiss to that one before whispering, “My talla.”
Brandon felt a full-body shiver forming, and he wants to snatch his hand back. But he can’t because Addam hadn’t looked away from him once, and he was trapped in the floodlight of affection in his gaze. He thought his mouth might be open.
Addam bestowed one last kiss before gently returning Brand’s hand to his side, a twinkle of mirth in his eyes betraying that he knew exactly the effect his little demonstration just had on Brand, and fucking fuck the bond. Brand really had to get a better hold on what he was letting through, or Addam would just be flooded by sappy feelings and waves of lust at inconvenient moments. As he went to try to dampen some of the love he was putting out, he realized only half of it was his, and then before he could consider the wonder of that, he felt his other bond begin to stir as Rune woke up.
Seeing an out, at least for now, and needing desperately to find a moment for his heartbeat to slow down, Brand said, rather more gruffly than he intended, “Rune’s up. I’ll grab coffee and meet you there?”
Addam must have seen his need for space, or maybe he felt it, because he leaned in, gave Brand a sickeningly sweet kiss on his forehead, and said “As you wish,” before heading towards the door.
Brand waited until he heard the door close behind him before he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, taking a moment to collect himself before heading towards the kitchen to make good on his promise of coffee.